rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight
Replies
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I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.
I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.
Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.
FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.
Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.
This is so incredibly mean!
You shouldn't be bragging about your relationship to someone going through a break-up. You're rubbing it in her face, putting salt on a wound.
There's nothing she's written to indicate she needs any mental help. In fact, it's 2014, I bet most of us here on MFP have gotten really excited to meet someone they have chatted with online only to be terribly disappointed.
I think you need a mental help professional, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not to be mean. Please don't take that the wrong way. I truly think bragging about your relationship to someone reaching out after a loss is indicative of psychological issues.
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^^^^^^^^ That's the best response I could come up with in regards to your post. I would suggest evaluating your own mental health situation if this is how you perceive the post that you responded to. I realize that you will probably not understand as it's been my experience that crazy people don't realize that they're crazy.0 -
Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself.
You don't even like yourself? How would you expect others to like you as well? You need to work on that part first.0 -
Everyone is upset when a relationship ends, even if it was an online relationship. No one needs to go seek therapy for that.
If the upset doesn't pass in a few months, maybe then worry about whether professional help is needed.
Life happens, ups, downs, good feels, sad feels, break-up feels, if you want to go running to a therapist every time something happens because you can't handle reality go ahead, but it's not normal or necessary.
Being upset over a break up is NOT a mental illness!
It's normal!
If she needs any professional it's a professional mani-pedi and professional bartender at girls night out!
But it sounds like she's headed in the right direction by going towards exercise.
Unfortunately, this is the stigma that follows mental health. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. It doesn't mean you're crazy or that you can't cope with life. All it means is it's someone who will listen to your problems and try to guide you through them, just like your friends will. The only difference is unlike your friends, you can say anything to a therapist without worrying about burdening them, or offending them, or having them inject their opinions all over the place, or having them say "i know how you feel, once, I...", etc.. Friends are great to use as a sounding board to vent to and I'm not trying to say you shouldn't talk to your friends. Just that a therapist offers a special service that most of our friends can't fulfill the same way and there's nothing wrong with that, because most of us aren't trained in providing real therapy.
When I was trained as a hospice nurse, we actually took a course on how to provide counseling and support to people and I was VERY surprised to learn that all of the platitudes that we instinctively spit out when someone is going through a rough time, 99% of the time it's not a helpful thing to say.
All a therapist is is a doctor, but for your mind. It's like having a cold. Some people get a cold and just let it run it's course at home. Others go and see the doctor, even if the doctor's answer is, "just let it run it's course and come back if it gets worse." This is the same thing. It's nothing shameful if you see a therapist, even if your reason is a 'small' one. It's just a chance to sit down with someone and ugly cry, without having any fear of whether they'll respect you when you're done.0 -
Oh those online relationships... think about it, one year from now you won't feel this pain... the reality is you don't even know him, he might have been in a hurry because his wife and 5 kids are waiting for him somewhere 4 hours away. You're just too trusting. It was not about you or your weight. Don't beat yourself up. When a man REALLY wants something, he goes and gets it, not emails for months. It was comfortable for him, and now it's getting real, and it might not be in his plans. Try to concentrate on yourself now, on achieving your goals, on loving yourself. You should always put yourself on the 1st place. Before, when I was feeling emotionally down I'd take antidepressants. Now, I go to the gym, and work out to the point I can't think anymore about all that bad stuff.
"i don't deserve your love" - damn, he's right!
btw, read this book: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/He's_Just_Not_That_Into_You0 -
You cannot know whether there is chemistry and a real connection until you meet face to face. This is one of the harder aspects of online flirtations and dating. People put so much of themselves into an avatar and into the words of someone else on a computer screen that it clouds the real personality of the person on the other end. Everyone does it. It's human nature. Reality clouded by one's biases can be very different from actual reality.
If he had only seen photographs of you when you were 40 pounds lighter, he had associated that person with the words on the screen. If you didn't tell him about the weight gain, then he probably felt like you were being dishonest with him about who you are. Who knows, he could have felt like you didn't trust him enough to make that decision for himself, and it could have hurt him. That silence just might have been him brooding over the "lie" as much as any perceived disappointment. That kind of dishonesty can be very damaging to a budding relationship. If you had told him first, or sent him recent photos, then who's to say how he would have reacted to you. You didn't give him the opportunity to even make that decision.
The shoe could have very easily been on the other foot. Imagine if you had met him and he had horrible personal hygiene and reeked of cigarette smoke, or some other odor you find offensive. Would the words on the computer screen and the images he sent you have been enough to overcome what you could have perceived as deception?
Agreed. Reality is always more complicated and messier than what's on the screen.
Yep.
I also find it disconcerting that the guy is being bashed on for being honest and the OP is being treated as if she did nothing wrong and it's all this guy's fault. Truth is, she lied to him for several months. If anything, that would bother the hell out of me.
Starting any relationship, whether online or face to face, based on a lie is usually not going to end well.0 -
I will follow up more after work when I can be at the computer. But I want to continue thanking everyone, this is so helpful. Its also scary how many people are saying the same thing, I am still stuck in denial and delusional land concerning him. What's worse is that my family knows his grandparents and we come from the same ethicnical community where everyone kinda knows one another. It makes it harder to accept because we figured out this amazing life together based on all our uncanny connections which are just really uncanny and rare. For instance, I have photos of myself with his grandfather when I was a child. And we met randomly online. But I know these are excuses to justify behaviors. I also know I'm hiding behind my fantasylabd behavior too. I know I need to work on myself for myself. Then I can be happy and maybe he can experience that. But I'm not holding my breath
a huge part of me wishes I should have waited to meet until I felt good again. I really do. He even said, I wish we met earlier as in, I wish we met when you were fit and happy. Ugh 0 -
Maybe a wake up call, like oh wow, you are unattractive right now and you tricked yourself and him into thinking you were the old, great you.
Seems you're putting a whole lot of emphasis on your weight gain as the reason for things not working out when you met. As many others have mentioned it could have been that he felt you weren't honest. It could have been that he wasn't as physically attracted to you in real life as he was online. It could've been due to a lot of reasons but it certainly wasn't because you became a hideous beast after gaining a little bit of weight.
You also are missing the point that no matter how good things were before, it wasn't rooted in reality. Now you know the reality - his feelings just aren't there now. And THAT'S what matters most...not online lovey dovey feel good promises.
You would do well to just stop talking with him because it's getting you nowhere.0 -
You cannot know whether there is chemistry and a real connection until you meet face to face. This is one of the harder aspects of online flirtations and dating. People put so much of themselves into an avatar and into the words of someone else on a computer screen that it clouds the real personality of the person on the other end. Everyone does it. It's human nature. Reality clouded by one's biases can be very different from actual reality.
If he had only seen photographs of you when you were 40 pounds lighter, he had associated that person with the words on the screen. If you didn't tell him about the weight gain, then he probably felt like you were being dishonest with him about who you are. Who knows, he could have felt like you didn't trust him enough to make that decision for himself, and it could have hurt him. That silence just might have been him brooding over the "lie" as much as any perceived disappointment. That kind of dishonesty can be very damaging to a budding relationship. If you had told him first, or sent him recent photos, then who's to say how he would have reacted to you. You didn't give him the opportunity to even make that decision.
The shoe could have very easily been on the other foot. Imagine if you had met him and he had horrible personal hygiene and reeked of cigarette smoke, or some other odor you find offensive. Would the words on the computer screen and the images he sent you have been enough to overcome what you could have perceived as deception?
Agreed. Reality is always more complicated and messier than what's on the screen.
Yep.
I also find it disconcerting that the guy is being bashed on for being honest and the OP is being treated as if she did nothing wrong and it's all this guy's fault. Truth is, she lied to him for several months. If anything, that would bother the hell out of me.
Starting any relationship, whether online or face to face, based on a lie is usually not going to end well.
The lie that came was from recent visual exchange. I never lied about me gaining weight, being sick, feeling down or expressing my worries and fears to his reactions about that. I told him I was insecure and scared about meeting because of how I looked. I told him I looked awful and nothing like myself because of the problems in my life right now. He said he would support me and love me, he was there for me and I had nothing to worry about. I know I should have just taken a photo of my entire body without any angles in a bathing suit or something and sent it. But it'd still sting, hurt and make me feel the same way. The immediate jump from hot to cold is what got me. Because he did kiss me and say he loved me when he first saw me. That changed through the night0 -
Hello everyone
Its me the op, I've been following this thread through out the day at work and its been helping me so much, all of your opinions, stories, advice and views. I can't even begin to express how grateful I feel that people are so supportive and understanding, this truly makes a difference in my perception of the situation.
I believe that we are both to blame, and I do believe he felt duped and shocked. It is a strange situation because as soon as he came through the door. He embraced me and said he loved me and we kissed. That connection was there, temporarily. Over the night it started to fade for him and I felt like in the air, a change in energy. Needless to say he said I didn't look like my pictures and I didn't have the courage to say he didn't as well, granted he is attractive but even so. I am in shock over how quickly it went downhill. I made the error of contacting him and asking him to not tear this apart because he knew the deep me and our connection. I feel foolish and while yes, I am insecure, I do not think I am a hideous monster. To people asking me why I don't have my.photo, it has nothing to do with appearance, I prefer to be anonymous in this personal and hurtful matter. It is hard for me to open up without feeling embarrassed and sick to my stomach about what happened. I am still reeling, my feelings were pure. I think about if he showed up big and puffy, not like his pictures, how I'd react. I can be judgmental too, but considering what I felt, I would have given him a chance. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable out of the blue and run off. I am beginning to see reality here through these posts.
I am recognizing that maybe I was delusional and living in a dreamland where I haven't come to terms about my weight gain. This is like a realty check, slap in the face. Maybe a wake up call, like oh wow, you are unattractive right now and you tricked yourself and him into thinking you were the old, great you. I know how that sounds, people will think I am beating myself up. I think its understandable at this point. After such a hurtful rejection.
The worst is coming to terms that he didn't love me unconditionally, and now I can't even bear to hear that Katy Perry song without feeling like I am going to vomit. That was our theme song or so I thought. We are sparesely communicating, as though things are normal like how was your day, etc. But it feels different and forced, polite.
He tells me he still cares for me. But what kind of caring is that, when the person can't even be a friend, to just ignore the past several months of deep deep connection and openness. Yes I did tell him I gained weight and that I hated how I looked. I told him all my insecurities including how I was treated in past relationships, how many times I've been **** on. I made no fantasy when it came to my emotions and my illness. He knew allllll of that. The mistake I made was being delusional about my own appearance. I was still living in the past and figured I could change quickly. Wrong. It isn't until now that I got medication in which I can propel my weight loss. I am 27 years old by the way.
I will be seeking therapy and trying to become the best and happy me, that I was when I first started talking to him. It seems unfortnatue that he had to experience me spiral, but I honestly thought we would survive it. He was my rock and really offered a lot of support. I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since. Things are still fresh but I'm hoping over time I will heal and love myself. He knows this because he recognizes that I'm self aware, I told him its not fair to him.to experience me this way. However, there is nothing coming from him that would seem supportive or understanding or kind or compassionate. I must have really really turned him off.
OP, I am so glad you came back and responded to all of this!
Honestly you sound a lot more "together" than I originally would have thought! I hope that doesn't sound rude because you sounded like an intelligent woman in your original post. But you sounded so far down, emotionally, and I was concerned about you as many others here are as well.
I think as time wears on you will gain a lot of perspective, and come to see this as the learning experience it is. To me it sounds like you are already coming to terms with some realities about yourself AND importantly, about this "dream guy" who isn't so perfect either.
I am also really happy to hear that you are 27. Sorry if that comes across weirdly. But I originally worried that you might be decades older and feeling as though this was your "last chance at love"...I'm in my thirties and still feel quite young and full of hope for the future...so I truly hope that you, at a young age, will realize that you have so many more chances at love and health ahead of you.0 -
I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.
I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.
Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.
FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.
Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.
This is so incredibly mean!
You shouldn't be bragging about your relationship to someone going through a break-up. You're rubbing it in her face, putting salt on a wound.
There's nothing she's written to indicate she needs any mental help. In fact, it's 2014, I bet most of us here on MFP have gotten really excited to meet someone they have chatted with online only to be terribly disappointed.
I think you need a mental help professional, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not to be mean. Please don't take that the wrong way. I truly think bragging about your relationship to someone reaching out after a loss is indicative of psychological issues.
There is nothing mean about what the above user posted. It sounds more like maybe you took this really personally..too personally. And what does that say about those that do seek out counselors and such? It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know. I would highly recommend it to you too.0 -
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hi everyone
i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".
so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.
i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.
Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.
while I agree that this man was a jerk....I am sorry you kind of were one too
What were you thinking ? Penpals do not lovers make
Words are only a very very small part of attraction
You were lying to yourself
At least admit this?0 -
I am honestly shocked at how many women here are demonizing the guy in this. He may not the the hero, but he is hardly the criminal he is being made out to be. He liked this girl, but did not like her physical appearance. He gave it his best and could not get over it, don't you even dare act like this has not happened to you in one way or another. Being physically attracted to each other is every bit as important in a relationship as mentally attractive and chemistry.
Not ONE of you here knows this guy, you don't get to judge that he does not deserve her either. You got her side of the story, and the emotions along that she felt. She her self has admitted a page ago that is NOT the girl she once was and it took this to get her to realize this. Is it possible that she was unconsciously lying to him about her appearance? Taking those few pounds off in her description, or sending him nothing but older pictures? Am I saying SHES a horrible person, no, not at all, but don't be so quick to jump to blame the man. This happens FAR too much in threads like this where a woman had her feelings hurt and it's 100% the guys fault. We should accept all women just as they are and princess disney princess perfect world with flowers.
Sorry sweeties, but you need to work every bit as hard as we do. Relationships take work, they take attractiveness to the other person on all levels, and just hoping all will be well is not always good enough.
In this, I think the guy was shallow, but he was honest. It sounded like he gave it a shot and it just was not going to work out. He told her why, both attitude (negative) and her weight. He did so quickly, did not string her along, offered to continue to be a ear etcetc. No one seems to be yelling at her for calling him a bunch after, crying on him, or guilt tripping him. We will just ignore that little part.. man evil!
Stop the witch hunt and negative he's not good enough for you baby, you both don't know him or that, and as far as I can tell she was not good enough for him, and he let her know if the nicest way possible. How about you concentrate on her feelings being mended, getting her back some confidence and getting her life in order, and leaving the sexism at the damn door.0 -
Also, there's no doubt in my mind that telling your relationship success story is intended to be a positive motivational thing, but trust me, as someone who's spent over 13 years single, it does not come across that way.
Imagine if you had a puppy die and someone was trying to cheer you up by talking about their fun walk at the dog park and game of fetch with their puppy?
No so much, eh?
She's going through a time of loss... let's not describe in graphic detail what it is she is losing.
Actually, I disagree. I think it's helpful to know that there are good situations out there, even if you are going through a hard time. I'm single and it doesn't bother me. If it bothers you when other people talk about their happy relationships, then maybe you should look internally as to why that is...
Also, therapy after a break up is always a good idea in my book. After the last really tough one with my cheating ex, it was the first thing I did.
There is no pedicure or booze fest on Earth that will help someone love themselves if their self esteem has taken an enormous hit.0 -
hi everyone
i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".
so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.
i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.
Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.
while I agree that this man was a jerk....I am sorry you kind of were one too
What were you thinking ? Penpals do not lovers make
Words are only a very very small part of attraction
You were lying to yourself
At least admit this?
Yes in my follow up posts I mention that I was probably delusional and not coming to terms about how I looked so I weaved a fantasy. But I truly believed he meant what he said. My pictures weren't fabricates or of someone else. They were me, just a lighter me. I recognize that I should have sent me a very recent one of my body without angles. The weight probably changed my face too. However I never lied to him about how I felt the weight gain and my illness. I regret it. But I saw the true him, while it hurts because I still love him. So much. Yet I know, he is done and will move on quickly. It makes my stomach turn to think of him with anyone else.0 -
Hello everyone
Its me the op, I've been following this thread through out the day at work and its been helping me so much, all of your opinions, stories, advice and views. I can't even begin to express how grateful I feel that people are so supportive and understanding, this truly makes a difference in my perception of the situation.
I believe that we are both to blame, and I do believe he felt duped and shocked. It is a strange situation because as soon as he came through the door. He embraced me and said he loved me and we kissed. That connection was there, temporarily. Over the night it started to fade for him and I felt like in the air, a change in energy. Needless to say he said I didn't look like my pictures and I didn't have the courage to say he didn't as well, granted he is attractive but even so. I am in shock over how quickly it went downhill. I made the error of contacting him and asking him to not tear this apart because he knew the deep me and our connection. I feel foolish and while yes, I am insecure, I do not think I am a hideous monster. To people asking me why I don't have my.photo, it has nothing to do with appearance, I prefer to be anonymous in this personal and hurtful matter. It is hard for me to open up without feeling embarrassed and sick to my stomach about what happened. I am still reeling, my feelings were pure. I think about if he showed up big and puffy, not like his pictures, how I'd react. I can be judgmental too, but considering what I felt, I would have given him a chance. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable out of the blue and run off. I am beginning to see reality here through these posts.
I am recognizing that maybe I was delusional and living in a dreamland where I haven't come to terms about my weight gain. This is like a realty check, slap in the face. Maybe a wake up call, like oh wow, you are unattractive right now and you tricked yourself and him into thinking you were the old, great you. I know how that sounds, people will think I am beating myself up. I think its understandable at this point. After such a hurtful rejection.
The worst is coming to terms that he didn't love me unconditionally, and now I can't even bear to hear that Katy Perry song without feeling like I am going to vomit. That was our theme song or so I thought. We are sparesely communicating, as though things are normal like how was your day, etc. But it feels different and forced, polite.
He tells me he still cares for me. But what kind of caring is that, when the person can't even be a friend, to just ignore the past several months of deep deep connection and openness. Yes I did tell him I gained weight and that I hated how I looked. I told him all my insecurities including how I was treated in past relationships, how many times I've been **** on. I made no fantasy when it came to my emotions and my illness. He knew allllll of that. The mistake I made was being delusional about my own appearance. I was still living in the past and figured I could change quickly. Wrong. It isn't until now that I got medication in which I can propel my weight loss. I am 27 years old by the way.
I will be seeking therapy and trying to become the best and happy me, that I was when I first started talking to him. It seems unfortnatue that he had to experience me spiral, but I honestly thought we would survive it. He was my rock and really offered a lot of support. I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since. Things are still fresh but I'm hoping over time I will heal and love myself. He knows this because he recognizes that I'm self aware, I told him its not fair to him.to experience me this way. However, there is nothing coming from him that would seem supportive or understanding or kind or compassionate. I must have really really turned him off.
Wait....hold the phone...."overnight?" I'm sorry to pry but, did you sleep with him? If so, then it's a whole other story.0 -
Yep.
I also find it disconcerting that the guy is being bashed on for being honest and the OP is being treated as if she did nothing wrong and it's all this guy's fault. Truth is, she lied to him for several months. If anything, that would bother the hell out of me.
Starting any relationship, whether online or face to face, based on a lie is usually not going to end well.
One person even commented "You are too good of a person to be treated this way." or something along those lines.
How do you know? Because of a post in an internet forum?
You have to take people for what they are worth online, which is not much at all.
In a month's time, I saw a 55 year old man create a girlfriend online. He made a fake facebook for her...used a lady's picture who he didn't know. I found the original person's online profiles...blog, pinterest account, twitter account, her real facebook...by doing a reverse image search. In that month, this man created the girlfriend. Became engaged. Her parents were flying them to Hawaii and paying for a wedding there. Flew her in to his hometown from several states away (and oops! conveniently they missed meeting up with his twin brother that weekend, even though they live in the same town). Then the night after she got back to her hometown, he killed her off! She died in a car wreck. He had 50+ condolences on his facebook status about how she passed.
Why did he do that? WHO KNOWS.
I digress...
OP, I do believe you can make connections with people online, but until you meet in person, you really...I mean REALLY don't know that person.
And I'm with the people who doesn't fault him for not being attracted to you. It happens all the time. That doesn't mean anything is WRONG with YOU. It would been an a-hole move if he had sex with you then bounced, knowing he wasn't attracted well enough to have a relationship. It's not shallow to be physically attracted to someone or to need that attraction.
You do need to work on your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-pride. I literally cringed when I read you sat with him in the dark for 2 hours crying, then he left. I know you were sad, but gosh, when he told you he wasn't attracted because of weight you should have said, "sorry you feel that way. I guess we don't need to see each other again...or ever talk again for that matter." and told him goodbye. THEN you can cry it out or vent to whoever.
Learn and appreciate your self-value before trying to find someone who compliments your life. You will be SO much better for it!0 -
No you need to lose weight for you and not anyone else. If you do this you'll start living and making decisions based upon what other people want and you will never live your own life. Now most people might demonize this guy for rejecting you, I don't because he has the right to be attracted to who he wants to and SO DO YOU. There are many other men out there who will love you for you so don't worry about the small fish when there is more big game out there.0
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To people who are cringing that I cried for two hours.... First of all, I had zero emotional control let alone could say those words to him without bawling and breaking down. My heart literally broke, it felt like a suction in my stomach and chest. It physically hurt. I felt broken and shattered and cry was all I could do
It was his decision to stay and hug me and say things and hold my face in his hands, etc. But he left. Its easy to say you should have said oh that's fine you don't like me I'll get over it, when you aren't in the actual moment
Problem is, we had discussed the depths of ourselves to one another, we literally had the most open communication. Me crying was not something that would have shocked him as a response, it was a raw and honest response. I still cry Noe when I think of our communication and plans and shared experience and love. This is what feeling deeply and rawly for someone is like, its not a switch I can turn off0 -
best advice is hop on tinder. get attention from tons of players that look like me instantly and then move on-because there really are tons of people out there.
bonus points if you let one of us studs tinder ya from behind ;PPP
seriously I prob get to date 10 different ppl a month and 6-7 come from that app. Some will become friends and then introduce you to your friends.0 -
best advice is hop on tinder. get attention from tons of players that look like me instantly and then move on-because there really are tons of people out there.
bonus points if you let one of us studs tinder ya from behind ;PPP
seriously I prob get to date 10 different ppl a month and 6-7 come from that app. Some will become friends and then introduce you to your friends.
And this, my friends, is why I was hesitant to get on Tinder.0 -
To people who are cringing that I cried for two hours.... First of all, I had zero emotional control let alone could say those words to him without bawling and breaking down. My heart literally broke, it felt like a suction in my stomach and chest. It physically hurt. I felt broken and shattered and cry was all I could do
It was his decision to stay and hug me and say things and hold my face in his hands, etc. But he left. Its easy to say you should have said oh that's fine you don't like me I'll get over it, when you aren't in the actual moment
Problem is, we had discussed the depths of ourselves to one another, we literally had the most open communication. Me crying was not something that would have shocked him as a response, it was a raw and honest response. I still cry Noe when I think of our communication and plans and shared experience and love. This is what feeling deeply and rawly for someone is like, its not a switch I can turn off
as I guy, I can relate about this concerning a 4year+ relationship.. incredibly tough.. literally googled too make sure you can't die of a broken heart.
good news, after 6 months and many new partners the individual will still bring a smile to your face, but you'll notice your dates have improved drastically and you as an individual have evolved into a better person.
the worst times give you the most material to make the best changes on yourself the fastest.0 -
To people who are cringing that I cried for two hours.... First of all, I had zero emotional control let alone could say those words to him without bawling and breaking down. My heart literally broke, it felt like a suction in my stomach and chest. It physically hurt. I felt broken and shattered and cry was all I could do
It was his decision to stay and hug me and say things and hold my face in his hands, etc. But he left. Its easy to say you should have said oh that's fine you don't like me I'll get over it, when you aren't in the actual moment
Problem is, we had discussed the depths of ourselves to one another, we literally had the most open communication. Me crying was not something that would have shocked him as a response, it was a raw and honest response. I still cry Noe when I think of our communication and plans and shared experience and love. This is what feeling deeply and rawly for someone is like, its not a switch I can turn off
as I guy, I can relate about this concerning a 4year+ relationship.. incredibly tough.. literally googled too make sure you can't die of a broken heart.
good news, after 6 months and many new partners the individual will still bring a smile to your face, but you'll notice your dates have improved drastically and you as an individual have evolved into a better person.
the worst times give you the most material to make the best changes on yourself the fastest.
OR, you can work on the things that make you feel stronger and not let your self-worth be determined solely by men and sex.0 -
best advice is hop on tinder. get attention from tons of players that look like me instantly and then move on-because there really are tons of people out there.
bonus points if you let one of us studs tinder ya from behind ;PPP
seriously I prob get to date 10 different ppl a month and 6-7 come from that app. Some will become friends and then introduce you to your friends.
And this, my friends, is why I was hesitant to get on Tinder.
Hey! I treat the ladies like little queens, I pay for the meals, open the doors and give them a wonderful time, being witty, the shogun of sarcasm, and the king of glib.
However I see your point because- its typically just samplers though! ;PPP0 -
To people who are cringing that I cried for two hours.... First of all, I had zero emotional control let alone could say those words to him without bawling and breaking down. My heart literally broke, it felt like a suction in my stomach and chest. It physically hurt. I felt broken and shattered and cry was all I could do
It was his decision to stay and hug me and say things and hold my face in his hands, etc. But he left. Its easy to say you should have said oh that's fine you don't like me I'll get over it, when you aren't in the actual moment
Problem is, we had discussed the depths of ourselves to one another, we literally had the most open communication. Me crying was not something that would have shocked him as a response, it was a raw and honest response. I still cry Noe when I think of our communication and plans and shared experience and love. This is what feeling deeply and rawly for someone is like, its not a switch I can turn off
I don't think you were completely honest with him (as I said a post back you probably sent him older pictures), and I think it was a little more than he was prepared to take. Don't let that phase you though, it sounds like you are a great person if you were able to keep him that interested sight unseen. In my book that is the hard part to have.
Get your health issues sorted, get some self respect and dignity back, hit that gym, and never look back. maybe you guys are still possible, nothing wrong with that, lose that weight and keep rocking. Be happy with you before you worry about anything else though.
Feel free to add me for encouragement, and no bs lies or anything advice if anything I said at all works for you. Take care of number #1 (YOU!) and #2 will follow.0 -
To people who are cringing that I cried for two hours.... First of all, I had zero emotional control let alone could say those words to him without bawling and breaking down. My heart literally broke, it felt like a suction in my stomach and chest. It physically hurt. I felt broken and shattered and cry was all I could do
It was his decision to stay and hug me and say things and hold my face in his hands, etc. But he left. Its easy to say you should have said oh that's fine you don't like me I'll get over it, when you aren't in the actual moment
Problem is, we had discussed the depths of ourselves to one another, we literally had the most open communication. Me crying was not something that would have shocked him as a response, it was a raw and honest response. I still cry Noe when I think of our communication and plans and shared experience and love. This is what feeling deeply and rawly for someone is like, its not a switch I can turn off
as I guy, I can relate about this concerning a 4year+ relationship.. incredibly tough.. literally googled too make sure you can't die of a broken heart.
good news, after 6 months and many new partners the individual will still bring a smile to your face, but you'll notice your dates have improved drastically and you as an individual have evolved into a better person.
the worst times give you the most material to make the best changes on yourself the fastest.
OR, you can work on the things that make you feel stronger and not let your self-worth be determined solely by men and sex.
hear hear! not arguing with you, you can work on improing your character and the relationships with current friends and family.. and even tell your family and friends about your struggles... I mean its family so they will act as a support group.
-_- .. jeez paige tough on dudes much?0 -
hear hear! not arguing with you, you can work on improing your character and the relationships with current friends and family.. and even tell your family and friends about your struggles... I mean its family so they will act as a support group.
-_- .. jeez paige tough on dudes much?
Actually, no. I'm not that tough on dudes. I like men. I'm even on Tinder.
I just don't think that having a bunch of casual relationships with a variety of different men is what the OP needs right now. I think she needs to build her self esteem and her worth beyond what men think about her.0 -
I think she needs to build her self esteem and her worth beyond what men think about her.
Yes this. Get her stuff sorted out, health, heart, weight... then worry about the other stuff after. You can't build a house on half a foundation.0 -
hear hear! not arguing with you, you can work on improing your character and the relationships with current friends and family.. and even tell your family and friends about your struggles... I mean its family so they will act as a support group.
-_- .. jeez paige tough on dudes much?
Actually, no. I'm not that tough on dudes. I like men. I'm even on Tinder.
I just don't think that having a bunch of casual relationships with a variety of different men is what the OP needs right now. I think she needs to build her self esteem and her worth beyond what men think about her.
hey, I said bonus points referring to the casual relationships. - I see your point though, your entirely right, but tinder is great for just meeting new people, and the girls I end up repeatedly dating never turn it over in the first 3-5 dates.
OP could use it as a tool for networking to get her mind off the heartbreak, its not healthy to focus on one problem, and new relationships even if it is just as friends is super healthy.0 -
You remind me of myself.. I've been in nearly the same situation before and it hurts like hell.
Online dating can be a *****, and you will get hurt, sometimes more so than regular dating because online dating can go on for months even years before you can truly meet depending on circumstances. That's a long time and you really can fall in love hard during that time.
But, seriously, **** that guy, he's a jerk. 40 pounds isn't that much weight and he's clearly shallow. You need someone that loves you for more than just your appearance.
You should not use him as your motivation, you should use yourself and you should definitely not try and win him back when you lose the weight. He clearly isn't worth it.
I meet my current bf online, and we've been together for nearly 4 years now, we live together and we're quite happy and have made a decent life for ourselves. So it does get better, and online dating isn't all bad, you just need to weed out the bad ones.
Feel free to add me if you need someone to talk to.0
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