rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

wilsoje74

I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.

A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.

i have to agree. People are saying he's a jerk, so what should he do? Pretend he's attracted to someone he's not. Even if you were 120 lb he may not have been attracted to you? Happens all the time. I'm guessing he probably wanted to be but just wasn't. He's not the one.

LassoOfTruth

I would lose the weight, for yourself though. Even if you lost the weight, and he came back, I'd totally ignore him. Sure, we DO have to be physically attracted to those we fall in love with, but he just seems like an a-hole to me. Plus, not to be a total *****, but 40 pounds isn't much. If you went from 150 pounds to 500 pounds, then I'd kinda, sorta, a little tiny bit understand his reaction. But, 40 pounds?! No way. Unconditional means unconditional. If he can't accept you at your worse (as you put it), then let him be.

Heirgreat

Honesty hurts sometimes. He was not that into you. Doesn't mean you are not a whole good lovely person or even unattractive. Better to know now than live a lie-- so sorry you are hurting- now dry the tears chart your food intake take a long and pleasant walk--this is for you alone and there will be someone out there wanting to join you in your quest for health and happiness-- most people have been in your shoes- it sucks to be rejected but someday soon you won't hurt so much- take care

KarmaLaine

I met my man over 2 years ago when I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. We met online and the moment I saw his picture, I was instantly in love with him. I wanted to meet him so bad. We met and had a few good weeks of "fun". I was totally, crazy madly in love with him and while he liked me, he was not genuinely interested. It really hurt me. I can't remember the last time I cried over a man. Deep down, I knew it was my weight.

In September, he wound up finding me, not realizing it was me. When he sent me his picture, I about *kitten* myself that it was him. When I told him who I was,he was surprised he had found me. We wound up hooking up. All the feelings I had about him, being crazy in love with him, came right back. I told myself I'd just f!ck him and dump him, but I couldn't do it. We wound up starting to spend a lot of time together and I finally told him I love him.

My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."

Please tell me you're kidding. :noway:

martinel2099

He doesn't love you. 40 lbs in my opinion is very small and if he really loved you it should not have been an issue. It sounds like the connection you made together was superficial at best and that's unfortunate but at least you know now.

And by the way you don't have to change yourself for anyone or anything. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself, don't do it for anyone else. I know you're depressed about this situation but I think you honestly dodged a bullet with this guy, you'll find a better one.

lolitablu

looks aren't forever, he was never in "love" with you, only "in love" with who he wanted you to be.

MrTolerable

Why would someone being a total (insert expletive here) be a reality check for YOU to change YOURself or YOUR life? Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. It's accepting the other person part and parcel, and making the choice - sometimes over and over again - to love that person no matter what. That love may have been one-sided in your case.

Have you considered that maybe, just maybe he wasn't totally honest about his life, situation, or even relationship status? There's a possibility, and a large one at that, that he may have some skeletons in his closet that he wasn't ready, willing, or able to reveal, and you are not the reason he ended things. Pinning it on your weight could very well have been his easy out.

Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.

WOOT WOOT!! Solid advice right there!

yo_andi

Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.

Truth!

Since you were so invested, you are experiencing a loss now that it won't work out.

Do you hear that? It won't work out.

So, now you have to work through your feelings, experience them, acknowledge them, face them and then send them on their merry way. But do it for you, not for anyone else.

MrTolerable

He doesn't love you. 40 lbs in my opinion is very small and if he really loved you it should not have been an issue. It sounds like the connection you made together was superficial at best and that's unfortunate but at least you know now.

And by the way you don't have to change yourself for anyone or anything. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself, don't do it for anyone else. I know you're depressed about this situation but I think you honestly dodged a bullet with this guy, you'll find a better one.

40 lbs is not very small at all... -_-

but I agree 100% it should be getting fit for yourself or the motivation will be very temporary.

1HappyRedhead

Please learn to love and put yourself first.... never count on anyone else for your happiness at any size! :flowerforyou:

LuvDarkChocolate

You may not realize it now, but this man has done you a huge favor. With time comes strength. The pain in your heart will heal. Focus on the road ahead. Get yourself on the road to good health. Do not let this dog chit get stuck on the bottom of your heal....just shake it off. Harsh words I know, but it usually takes a stranger to look at situations like this with eyes wide open. Today is your new beginning . I won't say good luck......coz you got this!!

So_Much_Fab

I'm going to re-write your post.

Hi everyone! Check this out. I was in an online relationship with this guy, we were really into one another, in love, I felt like he was my soul mate - we even discussed marriage! He told me that he would love me no matter what and that he would never hurt me. By the time I got around to meeting him for the first time, I was 40 lbs. heavier than when we had first started talking, but hey, he said he loved me no matter what so I gave it a go.

Real life wasn't anything like I thought it would be, he seemed very different, couldn't tell me he loved me, he just seemed distant. When pressed, he said it was because of the weight I had gained. I felt horrible, started crying, couldn't sleep that night. It really hit me hard and I was feeling terribly insecure, I even wondered if I should hurry and lose that weight so I could win back his love!

But the next day I woke up and felt a lot better. I realized I shouldn't have gotten so emotionally involved with someone I hadn't actually met - won't be making that mistake again! I also realized it was better to know right away if things were going to work between us rather than to let things drag on for months. I emailed the guy and told him it was nice to meet him and I wish him all the best in the future, but it's best that we both move on. Yeah, it's tough because I'm still a bit hurt, but I also realized I had been waaaaay too focused on what he though of me rather than loving myself. Eff that noise! I don't like the fact that I've gained a bit of weight so I'm going to be working on that...I'm looking forward to getting back in shape!

mank32

people who love you don't leave you bawling. :brokenheart:

Siigh_duck

I know that must be hard but I really truly think no matter how deep your connection is, if he can't get past some superficial barrier that he has, then he can't truly love you.
I met my ex which I loved online , we were together for a year, when I first met him, I was overweight, he didn't care xD there were things about him that I expected to be different too before we met, like he was a LOT shorter than he said he was (and a bit chubbier ) , and just different looking than his pictures, but I loved him for the fun we had online and the conversations and the way we said we loved each other like you did, so even though the first time I met him , I had this apprehensive queasy feeling, I pushed past it and got to know him in person and I fell in love with the person that I knew I loved behind any sort of physical appearance.
He also loved me when I was fat and all the way through my weight loss journey but never at any point said I needed to lose weight, in fact he always said I was fine and didn't need to. If you embark on a journey to lose weight for someone else, that could end up really badly for you, at some point I was doing it just for my boyfriend so I could please him and impress him, but that turned into never thinking I was good enough and getting an eating disorder. You have to want to be thinner for you if you're going to do it, don't just do it for the sake of someone that clearly WON'T stick with you through thick and thin..
I'm sorry :frown:

sweetcurlz67

sweetie... I am at work and don't have time to read all the responses, however... here are my comments to your issue...

I'm sorry for your heartbreak. so what? you gained some weight? you're STILL beautiful! he's shallow and mean for what he did to you. I haven't been through exactly what you have, but my heart has been broken so I can relate to that. You'll need time to get over him. It may hurt too bad to be friends with him so probably don't do it. try to focus your attention on YOU and getting yourself WELL! in time, you'll get better. Please don't sell yourself short! He just is NOT the one! There is someone BETTER for you. OKAY???? :flowerforyou:

spatt786

I'm going to venture to the other side of the picture here for a minute. For me, I'm 5'1 and 40lbs is a lot of weight. It's makes a huge difference in my appearance. I don't know how tall you are and how well you hold extra weight. If he only saw the picture of you at a healthy weight and that's not what you look like now, it really wasn't fair to him at all. If you didn't disclose current pictures or at least tell him that you gained weight, you can't really blame him. Everyone has to admit, part of "love" is physical attraction. You weren't even happy with your weight, but you expected him to ignore it and love you anyways. I'm not saying it's the same thing as being in a committed relationship and your SO gains weight you have the right to dump them, but he hadn't even met you in person yet. So it could be a combination of personality and appearance. Ex.....I'm an introvert. I can talk and talk and talk online all day long. I can put words onto a computer screen that have deep meaning. Get me in person and I sometimes appear either shy or snobby. I'm neither. I'm just an introvert. I have a hard time in crowds. I don't do well in public. It's not that I lack social skills, it's just that my personality doesn't always shine in social situations.

This is the perfect time for a reality check. Take time to learn to be happy without the companionship of another person and do what you need to do to be happy in your own body, emotionally and physically. If not, then you'll keep running into situations like these that break your heart.

I hope you take this the right way. Without getting into details, I've been there, done that. There are so many beautiful people out there, and undoubtedly, you are one of them. Keep your chin up. Make changes that make YOU happy and healthy. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever change yourself to make someone else happy. Once you do it for yourself, you'll have the confidence to know that the opinions of others don't matter. You will be happy regardless of what others think of you or your appearance.

Good luck! Sending one big hug of motivation to you. You can do it!!

Always_Belle

Five months ago I would not have understood your connection (not truly 'meeting' except online). I can now understand and empathize. They are real and the connection can even be stronger. However, there is so much to be said for real life relationships. Not that yours wasn't real life, as I know it was. Just the physical aspect of being able to see their eyes change in conversation or how they tilt their heads or how they walk - do they stride or are they more leisurely at walking? Feeling their hand in yours, knowing that they want to walk beside you. This is something that an online connection cannot show you.

Please, you should immediately seize in feeling as if this is somehow related to your weight. You might not ever truly know why he disassociated himself...in fact, it probably has more to do with him than you. Instead embrace the positive changes in your life. Any relationship, once ended, brings new insight into our own makeup as a person. YOU are beautifully candid and a remarkably insightful and refreshingly accepting. You have experienced this true loss and will come out better, stronger, and more resilient a woman than before. Hugs sweetie and best wishes as you go along this journey. Love yourself first and then you will be ready to love someone else!

LoosingMyLast15

hi everyone

i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".

so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.

i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.

Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.

you're not a toy you're not broken that you need to be fixed. so you gained weight so what. it happens to all of us. F HIM! HE'S A TOOL!

you gained weight because you got sick and he dumped you for THAT. do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with a person like THAT?????? seriously! if he ran off because you gained 40lbs due to being sick what do you think would happen is 10 years from now the same thing happened? what if you gained 20lbs/80lbs/5lbs. we all gain weight (heck that's why we're on this site) the question is do you want someone who will stand by you during your worst or do you want someone who is only interested in you during your best. we are never at our best 100% of the time.

he's not worth the tears in my book.

Galatea_Stone

You cannot know whether there is chemistry and a real connection until you meet face to face. This is one of the harder aspects of online flirtations and dating. People put so much of themselves into an avatar and into the words of someone else on a computer screen that it clouds the real personality of the person on the other end. Everyone does it. It's human nature. Reality clouded by one's biases can be very different from actual reality.

If he had only seen photographs of you when you were 40 pounds lighter, he had associated that person with the words on the screen. If you didn't tell him about the weight gain, then he probably felt like you were being dishonest with him about who you are. Who knows, he could have felt like you didn't trust him enough to make that decision for himself, and it could have hurt him. That silence just might have been him brooding over the "lie" as much as any perceived disappointment. That kind of dishonesty can be very damaging to a budding relationship. If you had told him first, or sent him recent photos, then who's to say how he would have reacted to you. You didn't give him the opportunity to even make that decision.

The shoe could have very easily been on the other foot. Imagine if you had met him and he had horrible personal hygiene and reeked of cigarette smoke, or some other odor you find offensive. Would the words on the computer screen and the images he sent you have been enough to overcome what you could have perceived as deception?

Oi_Sunshine

If he cant accept you now unless you lose weight, do you think he would stay with you after you gain 40 lb. carrying his baby and it takes longer to lose it post partum than he would like?

He is calling way too many shots in your life. Get well, take care of yourself both physically and mentally, and give yourself a time away from dating/seeking out relationships. Get a firm picture of who you are and what you will and will not find acceptable in a partner's character before you try again.