rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight
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"i don't think im a hideous monster".
And yet, you dont even have a pic on MFP? :huh: Online relationships are not easy, but being honest and upfront, about everything, is crucial. Best of luck to you!0 -
A side note: In my view and experience (and I had a lot of it), Online date is a fantasy relationship. Until you share a car and fight about directions, share a hotel room or spend lots of face-to-face time together and let that 'shiny' guard down and can be the complete goof/slob/Glee performer (insert idiosyncrasies here), then you're not a relationship yet, regardless how many phone calls, SKYPE sessions, etc. - don't get sucked into the fa-sad.
DON'T GET ME WRONG: It's a great way to open communication with someone you are interested in and to begin getting to know, but it is NOT a relationship.
You are a beautiful soul. Don't let this situation suck it from you. I don't believe in soul mates, so I'm not sure what to tell you about that part of your thinking. I'll let people who believe this do that for you.
I hope you try to not take rejection so hard next time. I understand this crushed you, but it is a small speck of time through your passage of time in life on this planet.
You are loved.0 -
And this is why we do not carry on so long with online relationships without meeting in person.
You don't need this dude. You need to move on.0 -
There are soooooo many missing pieces to this story. One being soulmates in a long distance relationship that communicated all the time, but you never bothered to send each other pictures or use some live video conferencing software like Skype to spend time together?
Seems odd to me.
I am not buying what you are selling.0 -
Okay... I can not stress enough that you need to move on from this guy. Just as he felt like you weren't what you promised to be, he turned out not to be what he promised to you, so please, don't think for one minute that losing weight is going to make you anymore right for each other because it just won't.
If you feel like you should lose weight, you should do it because that is what YOU want for YOUR body. No one else should matter or influence that decision.
As far as this guys goes, there are better men out there. Do not give up hope! And do not try to turn a frog into a prince. If he can't accept you as he receives you, then he's never going to accept you.
I'm so sorry that you got hurt. I really truly hope you can bounce back from this easily. I know it's hard though. Rejection hurts so much when you feel like you have made a connection with someone. But the reality is, a connection is only there if both parties are feeling it, and he just wasn't. Don't let this determine your own self-worth. You are worthy of love no matter what you look like, and if he doesn't understand that, then he is NOT the right one. Best of luck!0 -
I don't think he's a jerk or an A-hole. He drove 4 hours to see you. He invested a lot of time in an online relationship with you. He has a right to be attracted to what he's attracted to. That hurts and is unpleasant to hear, but it's his truth. He's not required to be attracted to you if he's not feeling it.
People don't love unconditionally. They just don't. We all have conditions on our love..we want our mate/significant other to bathe, brush their teeth, be appropriately dressed, etc. If your spouse didn't bathe for weeks and stopped brushing their teeth would you still be attracted to them? I'd seriously doubt it.
Soulmates are overrated and something romance novels sell us. Relationships are work. You never instantly have the perfect relationship with anyone. There are so many people we could be attracted to and have a good relationship with. Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition.. You found one possible person with whom you could be compatible. There are others out there. You just have to find someone else with whom you have a connection.
I also wonder (gently) why you couldn't be honest with him about the weight gain. If your relationship was that strong and so deep surely you could have said something once or better yet many times BEFORE you met. It seems odd that you'd hide this from someone you call your soulmate.
Lose the weight for yourself. Always for yourself. Never for anyone else.
this +1
He may have believed himself in love with you, or rather the fantasy that you gave him of yourself. It was up to you to be honest about yourself and your situation.0 -
Why would someone being a total (insert expletive here) be a reality check for YOU to change YOURself or YOUR life? Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. It's accepting the other person part and parcel, and making the choice - sometimes over and over again - to love that person no matter what. That love may have been one-sided in your case.
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Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.
That is well-said. As women, we tend to get emotionally involved and attached a lot easier than men do. It is possible that he became infatuated with his image of who he wanted / expected you to be based on his own ideals and not on reality. That is probably the biggest difficulty with online relationships- the fact that it is "distant" in that you cannot see / interact with the other person and really discover who they are as an individual. He also may have been very clever at "playing" you but when you met he realized that he would have to "man up" in order to be involved with you at the next level. Although it is very difficult right now, please allow me to say "be thankful you discovered this about him before you got further involved". This is based on experience. Sometimes guys will do whatever they have to in order to convince you that they love you, but are very selfish (it is about what they think they will gain from the relationship, not about love) so then when things get difficult or don't go their way they bail. My ex is a perfect example of this.
You are a wonderful and special person just because you are YOU. If you have a medical condition, get treatment and manage it the best way possible. But DON"T let it get you down. The right person will truly love you no matter what. Take time to love yourself and heal from this very painful experience. If he apologizes and accepts you as you are then you have a shot at a decent relationship. If not, then he really doesn't deserve you. Please don't feel like you have to beat yourself up about this, or even chase him down and hold on to the dream. Having to look / be a certain way in order for him to "love" you will only put you in slavery to that mirage. It is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.0 -
"should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again?"
Short answer: no. You're not broken. (hugs)0 -
Hold up people!!
Before talking smack..
Did anyone care to think if he may be going through some thing difficult in his life?????
Of course NOT...just talk smack
You know, we all go through ****. That doesn't give us permission to hurt others. Sure, it sounds like he did it as gently as possible, and that's great. But that still doesn't mean that he didn't hurt her or that she should continue to hold out hope.0 -
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
Uh ... congratulations?
LOL! I am pretty sure that post you have quoted is a joke intended to make a point.
i wouldn't be so sure about that. check out her previous posts.
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"i don't think im a hideous monster".
And yet, you dont even have a pic on MFP? :huh: Online relationships are not easy, but being honest and upfront, about everything, is crucial. Best of luck to you!
I don't want to be honest and upfront about everything on MFP. Why does OP need a picture up?
OP, sorry you are going through this. Rejection hurts. A lot. Go ahead and work on the weight you gained, for you, if you want to. But I would worry how this particular relationship would work out for you if you feel you have to earn him back. Will you have enough security in yourself and in how he feels about you to be happy?0 -
My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."
Sweetheart, that is ****ed up.0 -
Are you kidding that you would even consider "fixing yourself" and going back for more? I'd "fix myself" for myself and would not communicate with him again and thank God you didn't go any further with this Shallow Hal.0
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But I would worry how this particular relationship would work out for you if you feel you have to earn him back. Will you have enough security in yourself and in how he feels about you to be happy?
A million times this. Everything else about this post is irrelevant. This ^^^ is the only thing that OP needs to take away from this.0 -
This is why you don't get into a "relationship" with someone you've never met IRL. As many others have said, it's a fantasy - not based in reality. Back when I was doing the online dating thing, I can't tell you how many guys I "met" online, talked to, saw their pictures, and thought there was real potential until I met them and realized I simply wasn't attracted to them in person even though the looked exactly the same as the pictures I had seen. It happens.
You seem to be basing all of your self worth on what this guy thinks (or doesn't think) of you. If he's not interested like he claimed to be, then tell him it was nice meeting him and move on. Discontinue the "relationship". If you want to lose that 40 lbs. do it for you, not for him, not to try to get him back, or whatever.0 -
Your soul mate is the person you see looking back at you in the mirror - not some man you met online. That being said, I did meet my hubby online - and he has been accepting of me through weight gain and loss. He's my best friend. I would never put up with someone who thought something as shallow as a few extra pounds was the reason they couldn't love me. Why? because I love myself enough to not accept less than what is right in other people. That is why I now have the healthy, wonderful relationship I do. Prior to this, I was married to my first husband who was a selfish individual. I ended up with him during a period where I did not love and respect myself as much as I should. I "settled" because it seemed he was the best I could do. It took 7 years of being married and lonely to realize that I deserved much more than I allowed myself to have. I fixed me - then the right relationship was able to happen. Fix you - if you obsess over pleasing your partner etc. as you've posted in this thread, that is not the signs of an emotionally healthy human being. I do things all the time to make my husband happy - not out of obsessing he'll stop loving me - but because he loves and respects me so much that it comes natural and makes me happy to see him happy.0
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And this is why we do not carry on so long with online relationships without meeting in person.
You don't need this dude. You need to move on.
Move and and learn a lesson or two. I did, and about a year ago when I met a guy (two friends over, via phone and email) I immediately asked to meet. I didn't want to waste my time over email/phone for nothing. Guess what? He never set a time/date. He clearly wasn't right. He kept making excuses that his sis was in the hospital with a heart problem and that she was also pregnant. REALLY ?? Seriously, move on.0 -
First off... it's online.
Second off... move on. Don't change yourself unless you want to.0 -
Soulmates are overrated and something romance novels sell us. Relationships are work.
DEAR GOD YES...0 -
So many other factors at play here and not just the weight.
When people people online nothing, absolutely nothing, is real until the two people have met. Until people meet the relationship is built on a fantasy of who we think the other people is, that fantasy is based on the other person being at their best in photos, messages and emails. No one is that perfect. He wasn't your soulmate because the relationship was built on fantasy.
The other person doesn't want to hear about issues, sickness or weight gain because it will ruin their fantasy, hell we don't tell them because we don't want to ruin the fantasy either. So the omissions start and probably some fibs and people start to hide who they really are. They start to omit pertinent facts.
Come the meeting, comes big expectations! Fantasy comes crashing down in a screaming heap. The other person is real, warts and all, and they then blame the other person for the loss of the fantasy.
I can understand not being attracted to a bigger person that someone has just met, we are visual creatures and there hasn't been time to develop a relationship.
I would say, that here it was more than just the weight gain, it was also the fact that the person felt deceived because they were expected a slimmer person based on photos that had previously been received. With all that comes reality, the crushing of a fantasy that he had built up in his head.
OP lose the weight if you want to, but do it for you and your own health's sake, move on from him, meet other people, live your live to the best of your ability...and should you develop another long distance relationship...remember its just a fantasy until you meet and have known each other for quite a few months.
have to agree with this... and everyone is beating up on this guy.. while he didn't handle this 100% right, I don't think he's quite the only one at fault here..
Did you tell him that you left the "totally fit, yoga, confident person" that he started with ? did you let him in on the personal problems, and weight gain? (think full disclosure here)
I think that this might have been sprung on him and it was a "in your face" kind of moment which may have left him feeling "catfished" to a point. YOu may have built this relationship up WAY too much in your mind (e.g soulmate) from what he was thinking and saw this overly clingy, emotional, person.. I don't think demonizing this guy is all together fair either (although he maybe a complete asshat, we have no idea on this)
again, just guessing here, and both of you could have handled that better and truely sorry that you are feeling such pain over this, everyone deserves to be happy, and you will eventually.. just go in with both eyes open next time.
I completely agree. I am guessing "real" and/or current photos were not exchanged either. When talking to someone online or on the phone anyone can be whomever they choose. They can say whatever but actions speak louder than words. That is why it is so important to NOT put all your eggs in one basket with someone you don't even know. You can't truly know a person until you have spent time with them.
To beat this guy up because he just wasn't feeling it is very unfair. It could have been anything from your hair, your voice, your eyes, the way you carry yourself to your weight that just plain turned him off. Could he have handled it differently? Sure. But in the scheme of life every single one of us could handle situations differenlty than we do.
ONLINE dating is NOT real life - spending time with someone is the ONLY way to get to know them. You both built up some fantasy world and it came crashing down. Move on and if you continue to meet guys online meet them sooner rather than later so you aren't wasting precious time in your life!0 -
Hold up people!!
Before talking smack..
Did anyone care to think if he may be going through some thing difficult in his life?????
Of course NOT...just talk smack
You know, we all go through ****. That doesn't give us permission to hurt others. Sure, it sounds like he did it as gently as possible, and that's great. But that still doesn't mean that he didn't hurt her or that she should continue to hold out hope.
Sounds like this calls for a Star Wars marathon and lots of ice cream.0 -
Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.
Yes, you need to love yourself first and get fit for yourself.0 -
I would just lose him it will hurt for awhile but it will hurt less then keeping him around and only being friends or say you guys do stay together as a couple it will eventually go sour because resentment will fill up and explode and be worse. everyone deserves to be with someone that excepts them for them. he should have understood you gained the wait from being sick. it wasn't fair of him to judge you like that. Find someone else you deserve. good luck.0
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I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.
A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.
I agree with this.
Don't feel bad though, you just aren't his type, this happens online aswell as in the "real world".... try not to let it get you down :flowerforyou:0 -
I am really sorry you were rejected. You deserve better.
But also...THIS is why you don't engage in a "real" relationship with someone prior to meeting face to face.0 -
Oh you poor thing. I am not sure what else I could say beyond what others have laid out for you. I understand you feel this man is your proverbial soul mate and thus you would do anything to keep him. But, what part of love is, "I think I love you" if he were the one, there would be no doubt. You are beautiful at any size, and life is not about finding happiness when, "I lose 40 lbs" or "fix myself" It is about accepting who you are and understanding what you need to work on. There is no formula to change yourself and obtain someone's love. You know why? Because it isn't about you. It was never about you. Who ever this guy is, he is not confident enough to love someone in all their "flaws" and differences. And that is okay. But don't allow him to hurt you for another minute.
I could go on and on about how you don't deserve to be treated that way. But honestly it comes down to this: If you lost the weight, and he takes you in his arms and loves you, what then? Will you be okay knowing that to obtain a relationship with this man, you had to change who you are? Worried that for the rest of your life, you have to fit into this misguided version of what he thinks you should be?0 -
honey....relationships, even the best ones, are a job....they take time, effort....you get back what you put in. none of them are perfect, no couple never has a spat. but to start out feeling like just to be accepted, to please him and make him want you that you have to change...oh girl just count your blessings that he showed his true colors now BEFORE you wasted years of your life with him!! it would be a constant battle trying to please him.....every little thing you did you'd wonder if he would approve, how he would feel, will this make him reject you again......i can say this because i have lived this! i left a 8 year relationship (married and a child) feeling so low and horrible about myself, no self esteem.....i constantly went up and down with my weight, he wouldn't want to leave the lights on and i'd be like why, is it me? yes....he never tried to hide it. so i'd go on a crash diet, starve myself for weeks, even months, until he would look at me again. he continuously told me how worthless i was. of course he followed all that up by baby i'm sorry, come here i love you so much....and i believed it. it messes you up, physically, mentally, emotionally.....i am finally, 6 years later, recovered. i hate him. i hate that my daughter has him in her life because i know he does the same things to her when she's with him, i see it in her actions and her self esteem already.
this man is not your soulmate. pick yourself up, find the strength inside to face the day and move on.....YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!0 -
He doesn't love you, so stop talking to him because you're just going to feel hurt. Maybe it's weight related, maybe it isn't. I'm honestly not trying to be mean, but there could be factors that you don't see. It's crappy of him to suddenly pull this on you, but meeting someone in real life is very different from talking to them online.
You should be with someone who loves you, and this guy, for whatever reason, doesn't. Just let it go and spare yourself the pain of talking to him anymore.0 -
Hugs..
Took me along time to find my special man, but I did, and he was NOTHING on the outside that I ever had imagined but glad I found him because he is perfect.
good luck.
Me too... but it is totally worth it now that we are together.0 -
I was inspired by Ruby, who is a nearly 500-pound woman, her boyfriend left her for the same reasons. and in the entire show she committed to lose the weight one-pound at a time. and do it for herself. She enjoyed exercising and totally forgot about him and after a few months he came back to her ( i dunno if Ruby still wanted him back though) all I wanna say is we do not need to be mad motivated to lose weight for the pleasure of a man who hurt our feelings. Plus, a large percentage men who are dating online are just perverts or misrepresenting themselves. That's why MTV created the show Catfish. Put the past (and the man) behind. We can be happy whatever size we are . I recommend you watch Phat Gurlz the movie. It will make your day better like it did for me. Pls dont cry. You are beautiful. SMile
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