Help! hurtful comment from partner

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Replies

  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
    She's asking for advice. That's why she posted here. In the end, his money may be appealing enough for her to lose weight.

    It could be. That's why the "dump him" comments don't necessarily work. "Dump him" may be right for whoever is saying that (the condition of losing weight to win marriage does not outweigh the other available factors), but not necessarily for this poster. I guess my way of thinking is that if you're not attractive enough to marry, you're not attractive enough to date long term, so why bother; but perhaps the conditions for her mate are different as well (i.e. standards for marriage different than standards for 4+ yr relationship). It's the last part I have trouble with. Short term relationship - I get it - standards for marriage would be different. But to keep going for years when you're not happy enough to marry - I don't get (unless there's other information missing, i.e. marriage not that important).

    Fair enough. I see a big difference between a life commitment and 4 years though
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    If it wasn't the weight it might be something else.

    I was dating a man who put "conditions" on the proposal as well.

    So I did everything he asked.

    And it turns out he was a controlling, mean, verbally abusive husband.


    SO tread lightly.
    Out the door
  • jetobukur
    jetobukur Posts: 22 Member
    Love outside blood relations is rarely unconditional. That said, your boyfriend's dreams of marriage don't include you--they include someone he finds more attractive. What makes you think, when you lose the weight, he will decide you're good enough? What makes you think, if you're good enough then, you will be even if you regain some weight after pregnancy? I don't think he's a jerk--I simply think this relationship isn't "the one" either of you is looking for. At some point you should both break free--so he can find someone he's crazy about, and you can find someone who's crazy about you. :)

    This. I scrolled down to see if anyone thought this way. I totally agree with you. I think the OP needs to have a long chat with her SO
  • TR0berts
    TR0berts Posts: 7,739 Member
    He's a POS. Send him packing.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I think you need to talk to him more and really understand why he is saying that and where he is coming from. You should be open to honesty. And at the same time, ask that he be kind and thoughtful with his honesty. It's going to be tough. Your feelings may get hurt. You may yell at each other in moments. He may grab you and hug you and say that he didn't mean it the way you heard it. That's part of what you need to work out. Are you hearing what he meant? Or are you being influenced by internal factors. Relationships will always have moments similiar to this. So, learn to communicate and work it out. See how it goes. Re-evaluate after giving it that chance. Evaluate all aspects, this included. You will know what the right thing is for you both.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    Fair enough. I see a big difference between a life commitment and 4 years though

    That's true, but i think for someone who is interested in marrying, sticking around for 4 years without that coming at the end could feel wasteful in the end. Plus, think of all the amazing people you could meet (whether for kinky f!!kery or potential marriage) in that time span. It's those possibilities that would likely outweigh me sticking around, but I also knew what I wanted.

    Good discussion on the back and forth btw. I dug it.
  • jessica_120214
    jessica_120214 Posts: 68 Member
    Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!

    And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable


    It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.

    So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?

    As a matter of fact it would be if it was a joke. But then again, I have a sense of humor. I'll kick a b**** in the vagina too. Lighten up.

    You sound angry and violent. You should probably get some therapy for that.

    & you sound dull and uptight. So I could certainly say therapy would do you good as well;)
  • Brinray
    Brinray Posts: 20
    It is really a simple question: Is looking good in wedding pictures more important than starting your married life together?

    Some people are fine with never getting married. I know a couple with three kids and 20 years together that never felt the need for marriage.

    Some people don't need an "engagement". My husband never "popped the question". He and I made the decision to get married together because getting married in front of God was important to me, and having legal status together (for medical decisions and such) was important to him. I looked like giant frosted cupcake for my wedding, but no one cared because the only thing they could see was the goofy grins on our faces every time we looked at each other.

    What is important to you? What is important to him? A lot of people do whatever it takes to get into that "perfect" dress for the wedding. Is that what he wants? Does he want to marry you skinny knowing that you will just gain it all back later? If you didn't "respect" yourself than you wouldn't be on this site. But change takes time. Does he understand that you are trying, but life isn't always what we plan? He obviously loves you, but does he trust you? Does he trust that you will do what is best for you? Can he treat you like the adult that you are? If he can't trust you to make good decisions for yourself, why is he with you?

    Again, some people are into that sort of thing. If you want to be in a relationship where your spouse is responsible for your health, that's fine. But is that was you really want?

    I would recommend a neutral third party (preferably a therapist or family counselor) because these are very sensitive issues for both of you, and both need to have a healthy way of soul searching without hurting the other person's feelings.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    This reminds me of a documentary on netflix called "Unhung Hero" (well, it's a cockumentary).
  • mjbowman821
    mjbowman821 Posts: 66 Member
    Don't let yourself or others determine your value! KNOW that you are priceless and wait for a man who understands that. If you don't get a man who gets your full value you will NEVER get him to respect you as such.
  • Everburg16
    Everburg16 Posts: 101
    Sweetheart, I have been in a similar situation to where you are. I had a man I loved very much who refused to be with me. He acted like we were in a relationship, held my hand, was affectionate and spent all his time with me...but whenever someone asked if we were together, he'd say, "No, we're just friends." He knew I was in love with him, and he would tell me all the time that "maybe I'd be with you if you lost weight." He continued seeing other people while leading me on and would tell me about his dates while kissing on my neck.

    You won't leave him because of everyone here telling you you should. You'll hear it over and over again, and you know you should, but you're not ready yet. Eventually, you'll be strong enough and you will. And something better will come along, someone who will be more deserving and who will make you feel wonderful.

    I learned to love myself after I left him and I met another guy. My Husband loves me unconditionally, and is proud to let everyone know he is with me. It's crazy to me when I think back to that other guy, that I ever wanted to marry him. He ended up with another girl, a thin girl, telling me we had to be friends only while asking if I wanted to stay the night (that was my breaking point). Ironically, I've seen them since and the girl is now bigger than me (and I weigh 350). I certainly hope he treats her better.

    You'll leave when the time is right. For right now, know you have our support.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
    Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!

    And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable


    It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.

    So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?

    As a matter of fact it would be if it was a joke. But then again, I have a sense of humor. I'll kick a b**** in the vagina too. Lighten up.

    You sound angry and violent. You should probably get some therapy for that.

    & you sound dull and uptight. So I could certainly say therapy would do you good as well;)

    At least I know when someone is busting my balls. Best of luck :flowerforyou:
  • RINat612
    RINat612 Posts: 251 Member
    I've been married 10 years now to my wife. And quite frankly, I appreciate it when she points out my flaws. When I say, do, etc... something wrong. Or say when/if I get too chubby. Your spouse is supposed to be your mirror so you can see yourself how everyone else does. My favorite is when she advises me I'm too lazy/procrastinating by playing too many video games for too long. Then I go out and do one of the projects we need done in the house.

    And I agree with that sunofabeach guy... Talk to him. You might be taking what he said or was trying to say out of context. Or he phrased it wrong. Or your interpreting it differently than what he meant. Maybe he is concerned about your health? Obesity is a huge cause of health issues down the road. A marriage cannot exist without communication. I agree with the OP's SO. Doesn't sound like you guys are ready for marriage.

    With that said, from your profile picture, what weight do you even have to lose?
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
    Fair enough. I see a big difference between a life commitment and 4 years though

    That's true, but i think for someone who is interested in marrying, sticking around for 4 years without that coming at the end could feel wasteful in the end. Plus, think of all the amazing people you could meet (whether for kinky f!!kery or potential marriage) in that time span. It's those possibilities that would likely outweigh me sticking around, but I also knew what I wanted.

    Good discussion on the back and forth btw. I dug it.

    Cheers
  • I am so sorry you are in this situation. I cannot claim to understand your situation but I can tell you the one I lived. I was never quite good enough. First it was he didn't like my earrings, then my shirt, then it wasn't enough makeup followed quickly by too much makeup...you get my drift.

    At the time I didn't work so he was the main bread winner. This meant that anytime I needed/wanted anything I had to ask him; occasionally he would surprise me with a gift. It was wonderful, he was taking care of me...right? He loved me...right? Maybe in his own mind that was what he called it. The gifts turned out to be guilt trips and the advice on my appearance turned into control.

    He felt I didn't care enough about myself...I figured out how much I really did care about myself by leaving him and finding my happiness within myself. Choosing to be single is a scary and painful experience especially when you feel financially dependent on a partner; but it is always doable and can be very rewarding.

    I'm not in a position to say this is what is happening to you but I see some red flags in your messages. I will urge to be careful and to make strong decisions based on your happiness and not feelings of responsibility and guilt. Good luck.
  • jessica_120214
    jessica_120214 Posts: 68 Member
    Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!

    And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable


    It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.

    So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?

    As a matter of fact it would be if it was a joke. But then again, I have a sense of humor. I'll kick a b**** in the vagina too. Lighten up.

    You sound angry and violent. You should probably get some therapy for that.

    & you sound dull and uptight. So I could certainly say therapy would do you good as well;)

    At least I know when someone is busting my balls. Best of luck :flowerforyou:

    ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐ see you in therapy! (once again this is a joke...only a joke...smile okay!!)
  • jwooley13
    jwooley13 Posts: 243
    Obviously, we (the internet) don't know all of the great things about your relationship with this guy that have kept you together for so long. That being said, it sounds like he's putting up excuses and maybe just isn't ready to get married. The fact that he used something so hurtful to excuse his unwillingness to commit is concerning. You two need to have a very serious conversation about how his comments made you feel.

    If this guy continues to say hurtful things to you and refuses to commit, you'll have to make the decision on your own as to whether or not you want to stick around for that. I personally think you deserve better if the behavior continues.
  • joomba
    joomba Posts: 1 Member
    So what. Lose the weight. You're boyfriend makes an honest point.

    I'll say that no one here will probably agree with me.... BUT ..... I think that you need to realize that weight does matter in his attraction to you, which is a viable part of the relationship. Its not going to be fair to him to be married to someone who lets themselves go/ is overweight/ ect... for the rest of his life. He deserves the best, right? You should want to impress him. It sounds honestly like you have become too comfortable with him and you've forgotten that you need to keep up with your personal appearance if you want this man to spend the rest of his life with you. The exact same should go for him as well.

    I'm not saying that you aren't beautiful and pretty as is, but if you want to be with him and he has a problem with you, either fix the problem or ditch him.
  • lessismoreohio
    lessismoreohio Posts: 910 Member
    I'm sorry he put you in this position where you have to question the relationship. You may be better off without him. Good luck to you and God Bless You.
  • mereditheve
    mereditheve Posts: 142 Member
    Ok... let's slow down... I know someone very well who actually heard the same thing from her then-boyfriend.

    He told her she needed to lose 20 lbs before he would ask her to marry him. When I heard this, my reaction was, "who needs him? what a jerk!"

    I am happy to say that I was so wrong about him. They have been happily married for many years now and have a beautiful little baby. He clearly adores both of them. None of us are able to judge the character of your boyfriend from a brief description of a conversation. If you need to lose weight, lose it... if he's motivation to lose weight, then great... but I have learned my lesson not to judge so harshly as I did before.