Help! hurtful comment from partner

I have been with my partner for around 4 years and known him for 9 years.
We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc

I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.

Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...

Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.

Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?


  • pinktoesjb
    pinktoesjb Posts: 302 Member
    Advance Harshness Warning: You are you. You will still be you 50lbs heavier or lighter. This is emotionally abusive talk and he's a total d*ck.

    Do better elsewhere, if you lose the weight (though if your pic is current, what weight to lose?) you will be too blonde to get married, or too tall or too something else.
  • TadaGanIarracht
    TadaGanIarracht Posts: 2,615 Member
    A quote comes to mind:

    "If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."

    I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
  • Jesslane93
    Jesslane93 Posts: 190 Member
    If he can't accept you the way you are, why would you want to marry someone like that.
  • TadaGanIarracht
    TadaGanIarracht Posts: 2,615 Member
    Marry a man who will love you unconditionally, whether you're 150 lbs or 350 lbs.
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    To be honest it sounds more like a total BS excuse. Maybe he's scared of the commitment or just doesn't want the hassle of a marriage. However its frankly tough t*t! If he doesn't want to that's fine but that's the naffiest reason I've ever heard.

    Sorry OP but maybe there's other issues going on.

    *On a re read you stated 'we have broached' the subject of marriage. I'm wondering though if its a 'we' conversation that keeps cropping up. Or just a 'you' conversation?
  • nutmegoreo
    nutmegoreo Posts: 15,532 Member
    His motives would be a strong predictor. What will happen when you get pregnant? How is he going to treat you during that time of rapid growth? You are 20 kgs over weight. Seems harsh to hold off on a proposal over that. Sounds like he is making excuses. Try talking to him, perhaps counselling. If not as a couple, at least for yourself so you can feel better.
  • wanderlustre72
    wanderlustre72 Posts: 39 Member
    What came up for me when I read this is questions...

    Jump down the line and you are married to this person and may have children with him... if his 'support' is to with-hold affection or a act of love from you until you are 'good enough'... then he is clearly setting the terms of the relationship and your opinion or wants count for very little. Do you want to be in a relationship that leaves your voice, your choices as an afterthought?

    Would you want children? If so, will you let this person also dictate when this should be, how they should be raised, how you should be a mother. He is already telling you what is going to happen in your life... and if you are happy to settle for a life in the passenger seat of his car... then good luck.

    If not, its time to draw a line and work towards a life on your terms, with your goals and your dreams. Find someone who builds you up and helps you towards them, not one who holds them to ransom because you don't meet his expectation.

    Love and light to you xxx You make me grateful that I made those kind of hard choices a long time ago. And you are stronger than you think x
  • Goldilukes
    Goldilukes Posts: 45 Member
    Do you have children with him?

    The reason I ask is does he know that if children come along the female body will change and he doesn't sound to me that type that would embrace a natural baby bearing women shape. If it was me I'd be beyond heartbroken and would feel I had lost something with him. How long has he had these feelings?

    Plus another poster hit the nail on the head about "don't love me at my worst, then don't deserve me at my best" I can not agree with this statement more. I'm sorry that you had your supposedly best friend turn on you in this way.
  • fruitsalad15
    fruitsalad15 Posts: 102 Member

    This seems really awful a situation. I'm sorry you are in it! My concern would be that, even if you lost all the weight and he could then propose (which by the way, I think is total rubbish - he should love you for you not your weight or size!) what if you put the weight back on?

    I lost a bit of weight, got pregnant, put it all back on (and a little bit extra) and have been fighting to get it back off for 18 months. I'm not there yet but I will be.

    If that happened to you would he feel that you were 'disrespecting' him???

    I don't know what to advise but just something for you to consider when making your decision about what to do.

    BTW I would probably do some to spite myself, because that is what I like! I would lose a ton of weight and then when he proposed tell him no!!! ha ha! THAT IS NOT ADVISE! :-)
  • CA_Underdog
    CA_Underdog Posts: 733 Member
    Love outside blood relations is rarely unconditional. That said, your boyfriend's dreams of marriage don't include you--they include someone he finds more attractive. What makes you think, when you lose the weight, he will decide you're good enough? What makes you think, if you're good enough then, you will be even if you regain some weight after pregnancy? I don't think he's a jerk--I simply think this relationship isn't "the one" either of you is looking for. At some point you should both break free--so he can find someone he's crazy about, and you can find someone who's crazy about you. :)
  • Dewymorning
    Dewymorning Posts: 762 Member
    Seriously just sounds like an excuse. If you lost the weight, he would probably just have another reason why "Now is just not the time"

    ETA: My ex was also a bit of a "I want you to lose weight for your health" guy. I am sure he meant it like that, but the pressure I felt was such that it actually hindered my weight loss, and I have done much better with my weight loss since we broke up.
  • mazdauk
    mazdauk Posts: 1,380 Member
    Go on youtube and find the Billy Joel song "Just the way you are". Play it and listen to the words. Now play it again. Now think about the messages your partner is giving you.

    He is not saying "I'm concerned for your health" or "I worry this might affect your ability to have children" or anything supportive or concerned. He is saying "You are the wrong shape for me to make a commitment."

    Move on and make your own weight/health decisions.
  • ros2will3run
    ros2will3run Posts: 104 Member
    Simply put, tell him to get a bigger ****! (u know what!)

    What a jerk! that is terrible!

    Your partner can say, "look, darling, i prefer you to be slim"...
    BUT TO HAVE THAT AS A REASON for not proposing is outrageous.

    Maybe you just need to get him to see he's being v.shallow,
    maybe you are in an emotionally unsupportive,even abusive relationship..

    This is tough for you. Good luck with it!
  • lil_sam28
    lil_sam28 Posts: 4
    Lots of advice so far. thank you

    we don't have children and I asked him "what's going to happen when we have kids". his reply was "don't be ridiculous, that is a natural part of life but then you would go back to your normal weight. His brothers wife is a naturally tiny woman and has had no trouble going back to her pre baby weight. His mother isn't a small lady however.

    A lot of outside "pressure" is coming in from his family and our friends about when we are getting married. (I try not to push it, he knew my feelings but i didn't want to ruin a surprise so I'm not constantly in his face about it) I asked him how his mother would react if he told her "my weight" was the reason we weren't married yet. He said she's slap him. But he still maintained that men are visual.

    I recently went back to uni (to better our futures) and he supports me financially and emotionally with that. he works away 2 weeks on 2 weeks off for me to do uni and us to still survive financially. he also put his career aspirations on hold for me to fulfil mine as a health care professional. He mentioned that he has given a lot for me to do this (true) and all he asks is that I take care of myself.

    I pushed him further and asked what his ideal for me would be and his "goal" for me is realistic, in that I can reach the size 10-12.

    I asked why he hasn't left me if this is how he feels and he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise.

    I know I have to and want to lose weight - but why does it hurt when he has said it?

    appreciates everyones point of view.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    You're good enough to be in a relationship with for 4 years but not good enough for marriage? How does that work and why is he with you then?

    Sounds a bit like killing time until the right one comes along...

    He may be trying to motivate you with as much grace as a bull in a china shop but really this isn't the way to do it.
  • al142
    al142 Posts: 35 Member
    I am so sorry this happened to you. I would be crushed.

    I think you need to get to the bottom of where this is coming from. I would have a hard time trusting someone who had said such a thing to me. He would need to explain to me how this could be anything other than a sign of him having a lack of respect of me. It could have been one of those situations where he was talking with his brain turned off (which happens), or it could be that he really feels this way (which I wouldn't be okay with).
  • haildodger
    haildodger Posts: 181 Member
    No offense there Sam, but it's a mind game(being polite). Today it's the weight, tomorrow it's something else. In my opinion, you should dig down, get some self respect, and move the f--- on. You're only here for a short time, quit wasting it.

    My brother (who I no longer talk to going on four years) continuously does this, and openly has a good laugh about how they(women) keep coming back for more. He's a dirt bag, and so is your guy. So quit deluding yourself and start smelling the bull sh-t, or just keep on eating it. The choice is yours.
  • al142
    al142 Posts: 35 Member
    You want to lose weight. But that doesn't make it not hurt when the person you are thinking of marrying tells you that you aren't good enough at your current weight.
  • CA_Underdog
    CA_Underdog Posts: 733 Member
    He mentioned that he has given a lot for me to do this (true) and all he asks is that I take care of myself.
    Do you cook, clean, babysit, etc? I'm curious because normally when "not quite right" relationships linger it's because they're convenient for the partner who's less interested in marriage. If you took away one or more of those conveniences that he's "not asking for", I wonder how he'd react and what you'd learn.

    Per your pic, you're very pretty. You'd have little trouble finding a guy who finds you hot.
  • KazzBeDoinIt
    KazzBeDoinIt Posts: 58 Member
    He can't marry you at this weight? Well, can he make it out the front door with your foot in his *ss?! :angry: