Help! hurtful comment from partner
Replies
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In my opinion he didn't just criticize her weight. He took an active step in a direction that is psychological abuse. He might not move further in that direction but none of us knows and I don't think it is wrong to alert OP to ponder whether there are other signs or not. I've survived a short but intense marriage with heavy psychological abuse and this is how it started, not the exact same situation but a similar pattern.
I'm the first to recommend talking about things, but with that said, if things went down the way OP describes it, there are certain lines you just don't cross. Putting ultimatums like her guy has done, bargaining about health, voicing conditions like that is just wrong.It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?
I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)
Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?
As has been said by others, we do not know the whole story, but what we clearly hear is how OP feels. That in itself is a truth that should not be ignored. And if her potential husband truly thinks the way he seems to be thinking, can anything change it? If he doesn't have understanding for his own mother and her situation even, then how could he ever change from black-white to greyscale, let alone all the rainbow colours? Certain things adults say and do are "absolute" in my opinion.
Would you - general you - want your daughter or sister to consider marrying someone, who puts ultimatums on things (in quite the self-centered way I might add)? That's the way he will bring up his offspring, too. Love is one thing, but there is so much more to sharing the everyday life with a partner.
There's fun, laughter and tears, but also lots of practical matters. Is it realistic to expect to stay healthy, fresh and "young" for the rest of one's life? I don't think so. What's stopping an appearance-focussed person to trade out someone to a fresher version later in life? I'm an optimist, but life has taught me to remember the realism, as well. In the end nobody but OP can answer whether this guy is a good investment or not.
He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.
I lived through his chaos, trying to support and talk, but he didn't want to work on his problems until it was too late. Quite frankly I wasted some really good years on him and can only thank someone in charge that we never got kids together. Emotionally I aged far beyond a decade in the process and while I'm only 35, sometimes I feel double the age; wouldn't wish that torment on anyone.
If you look back at what I wrote, I'm not telling OP what to do nor did I assume we know the whole situation, including his mental state, but I did what I felt someone would have told me prior to my marrying the ex; it isn't just pink glasses all the time, but everyday life will arrive at some point. I was too scared on some level to admit what was right in front of me and from there on it just escalated. In other words, the signs were there yet I didn't act on them.
Again, I'm not assuming their situation is like mine, but maybe it will help her or someone else reading to face reality bravely. I feel like myself again, but paid a hell of a price for getting lost for a while. These thoughts aren't directed at anyone in particular, but the train of thoughts quoted seemed like as good as any place to post them into context with.0 -
I know how you feel and it sucks. As far as accepting how he feels about your weight. I guess I see where he coming from like for example if he is staying in shape he was his spouse to do the same. That is a hurtful way of saying it but he was honest. He says you disrespect yourself that I don't know what he talking about.0
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I'm sure it's been said (didn't read all the comments), but if it wasn't your weight holding him back it would be something else. There's something below the surface going on with him.0
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I've only read the OP, forgive me if I'm repeating what others said.
@OP: That man, not matter how much you love him, IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. It is NOT EVER going to get better. He'll find a new "flaw" that will need to be "fixed" before he'll give you what you want. And another after that, and so on and so forth. I've seen too many people I care about deal with people like that and NO ONE deserves that kind of crap.
Do whatever you need to do to get things untangled, but do not stay with this man. He is not the one for you.0 -
Wow. Think of wedding vows... "for better or for worse". He can't even commit to asking you to marry him in a not-so- terrible time... he's not worth it! You deserve much better than this jerk- no matter how sweet he seems sometimes.0
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My comment would be the same if it were a woman setting that condition on her boyfriend, too. "I'll marry you when you're good enough for me in exactly the ways I want." Ok, let her just go find someone who is exactly what she wants. (Much easier said than done.) Part of marriage is marrying someone with their flaws, not for their utter perfection. Again, fine, if someone doesn't want to marry someone overweight. But right now, he's just eating his cake and having it too, while she is the one with demands to meet that she hasn't been able to meet in four years.
There are women out there he can marry. There are men out there who won't find your weight to be a deal breaker. My concern for the both of you is that if your weight is a perpetual problem for you, why do either of you think this issue won't keep coming back up in your relationship?
Have you given him any ways to shape up before you'll marry him?0 -
In my opinion he didn't just criticize her weight. He took an active step in a direction that is psychological abuse. He might not move further in that direction but none of us knows and I don't think it is wrong to alert OP to ponder whether there are other signs or not. I've survived a short but intense marriage with heavy psychological abuse and this is how it started, not the exact same situation but a similar pattern.
I'm the first to recommend talking about things, but with that said, if things went down the way OP describes it, there are certain lines you just don't cross. Putting ultimatums like her guy has done, bargaining about health, voicing conditions like that is just wrong.It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?
I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)
Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?
As has been said by others, we do not know the whole story, but what we clearly hear is how OP feels. That in itself is a truth that should not be ignored. And if her potential husband truly thinks the way he seems to be thinking, can anything change it? If he doesn't have understanding for his own mother and her situation even, then how could he ever change from black-white to greyscale, let alone all the rainbow colours? Certain things adults say and do are "absolute" in my opinion.
Would you - general you - want your daughter or sister to consider marrying someone, who puts ultimatums on things (in quite the self-centered way I might add)? That's the way he will bring up his offspring, too. Love is one thing, but there is so much more to sharing the everyday life with a partner.
There's fun, laughter and tears, but also lots of practical matters. Is it realistic to expect to stay healthy, fresh and "young" for the rest of one's life? I don't think so. What's stopping an appearance-focussed person to trade out someone to a fresher version later in life? I'm an optimist, but life has taught me to remember the realism, as well. In the end nobody but OP can answer whether this guy is a good investment or not.
He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.
I lived through his chaos, trying to support and talk, but he didn't want to work on his problems until it was too late. Quite frankly I wasted some really good years on him and can only thank someone in charge that we never got kids together. Emotionally I aged far beyond a decade in the process and while I'm only 35, sometimes I feel double the age; wouldn't wish that torment on anyone.
If you look back at what I wrote, I'm not telling OP what to do nor did I assume we know the whole situation, including his mental state, but I did what I felt someone would have told me prior to my marrying the ex; it isn't just pink glasses all the time, but everyday life will arrive at some point. I was too scared on some level to admit what was right in front of me and from there on it just escalated. In other words, the signs were there yet I didn't act on them.
Again, I'm not assuming their situation is like mine, but maybe it will help her or someone else reading to face reality bravely. I feel like myself again, but paid a hell of a price for getting lost for a while. These thoughts aren't directed at anyone in particular, but the train of thoughts quoted seemed like as good as any place to post them into context with.
Her situation is not yours. He is not your ex. These are two unique individuals with a problem that either can be worked out or it cannot. It starts with a conversation with him about her feelings. Perhaps then counseling. Maybe he's a controlling jerk, but if you read the OP there is some reason to think otherwise. I don't know. Neither does anyone else responding. One thing is for certain, however, if she doesn't raise the issue with him then the problem will fester.0 -
This makes me so sad to read. I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you, but at least it happened before you were married to a man who will not love you unconditionally.
I know this is hard to hear... but you deserve and NEED to be with a partner who will love you regardless. Imagine having a baby with this man - this comment will follow you around for the rest of your relationship with him.
You deserve to feel safe, secure, and loved.
I can think of a way for you to drop some weight quickly - lose the 200 lbs that is this guy. He needs to be set free to grow up. You need to find relationship that will support you through all phases of life.
Note from my personal experience - I gained 20lbs right after I got married. You know, nesting and all that. My husband never said a single thing and though I felt unattractive he didn't even seem to NOTICE. I have lost it and then some, but the way my husband looks at and treats me has not changed from day one to now. '
Your weight is your own personal challenge and anyone who feels like they can weigh in needs to GTFO.0 -
Sorry to hear you are going through this. :flowerforyou:
I think this is a perfect opportunity for you to give each other some space. If you are able to depend on yourself to get through schooling, my opinion is to do just that. Concentrate on YOU. You are still young and you are at a great position in life.... no kids.
I would tell him, he's right. I would move out and tell him "we can be friends. I love you too much to have you waste your time with someone you don't want to spend the rest of your life with. Take the time to work on you, your health and your worth. :flowerforyou:
If you take this from him now. As others have stated, expect the rest of the relationship to go in this direction.
If you love yourself more than someone else, you will not accept this behavior. I think if you show him, you value yourself more than anything. He will either realize what you mean to him, regardless of your size, or you guys were not meant to be.
You have a lot of years to live, if you are meant to be happy with this person. It will happen... sooner or later. :flowerforyou:
Couldn't read all the responses, however, this one is spot on!
I'll also add my lil 2 cents.
You may also be feeling that you've been with him for a long time and feel that you truly love him even though he's hurt you with this comment. With the time and emotion invested, it's sometimes hard to "give up". I've been there. Stayed in the marriage 22 years with him 24. it was 20 years TOO LONG!!!! please don't make the same mistake I did! However, I did gain the greatest blessing from the marriage.. my son! But... the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse only got worse. and there was some physical as well. I'm trying not to let it affect potential future relationships but how can it not? I hold out hope for a future partner, but who knows? I might be single the rest of my life?
This is where I'm coming from when I say that you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally, flaws and all. Do it for you. :flowerforyou:0 -
I've only read the OP, forgive me if I'm repeating what others said.
@OP: That man, not matter how much you love him, IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. It is NOT EVER going to get better. He'll find a new "flaw" that will need to be "fixed" before he'll give you what you want. And another after that, and so on and so forth. I've seen too many people I care about deal with people like that and NO ONE deserves that kind of crap.
Do whatever you need to do to get things untangled, but do not stay with this man. He is not the one for you.
Emotionally abusive? The guy is being honest GMAFB0 -
I'm sorry but I would have to break up with this man. Those comments would hurt me to my core and I couldn't be with a man who made me feel like that. You deserve a man who makes you feel beautiful!0
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Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!
And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable
It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.
So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?0 -
hmmmmm I do think he is in the wrong in some way but not in all ways..do i think he is a jerk no i don't and i will get back lash from you guys for that but i don't see it maybe because i grew u with guys like this in family. Guys should love a womb unconditionally. But that doesn't give a one way ticket to harm your body with foods that aren't good for you. It is very nice for a woman to be healthy and have that health be reflected in the mirror. I think he was critical yes. but you are now held responsible for the standards he poses on the relationship. If you just could have lost some series weight before these conversation to PROVE and not just talk it then you would have shown him you care and feel happy about how confident you feel about yourself which will make BOTH of you happy…and married.
Dont pursue the relationship thinking this will change if you could have not or won't change fast and stay that way is all i have to say. Reality IS harsh…and i may sound very harsh- i know-but he also may be afraid that you may lose weight get married and fall off the wagon and he just feels (possibly- don't know for sure) that he will be "stuck" with someone who will just never change and leave you for some younger tinier thing that does take care of herself.
Ultimately i feel 1. if you can't take care of yourself why are you asking yourself to love a man? The proof is in the pudding is the saying. You can't say that you want it…well you can but at this point it is insignificant. You should have said that as you saw the weight packing on and stopped it!!! and 2. Why buy the cow when the milk was free? Now this isn't true for everyone. My brother has been with his for 7 years and is now just marrying her. That won't be true i see for this case.
I do wish you the best I really really do. If you want this guy-their is a lot of hard work. I feel a woman should take care of herself for her man. I feel a woman who has let go doesn't care (in some instances so don't take my words and use them for the most hard working woman that isn't getting results due to medications or what not!!!) I think you should just leave him. get yourself back into shape and focus on you and this time stop letting yourself go and find someone who will love you unconditionally. Then stay in shape because feel that that is unfair to anyone in the relationship. Staying in shape wards off diseases anyways like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and some times cancer when you really eat good and healing foods. be respectful to yourself ( a temple) and be respectful to your significant others and everything ought to fall in place. be very wise about this and very objective because at this point its very complicated even if you get to where you want to be weight wise..might as well start over and save your heart from ache! I am saying this with love. it will be a lot of work and dedication from both sides and you have to prove that with your weight as well as he does with his perspective and go seek some counseling if you stay. I personally would not chase him but focus again on your health…. sorry for typos and length and the harsh tone but sugary stuff aren't usually good for you and the truth isn't always sweet. in this case the truths i shared aren't sweet but..they are true none the less. The harshest cup of tea to drink is reality…..0 -
I don't feel you're reading what I write.
In my opinion he didn't just criticize her weight. He took an active step in a direction that is psychological abuse. He might not move further in that direction but none of us knows and I don't think it is wrong to alert OP to ponder whether there are other signs or not. I've survived a short but intense marriage with heavy psychological abuse and this is how it started, not the exact same situation but a similar pattern.
I'm the first to recommend talking about things, but with that said, if things went down the way OP describes it, there are certain lines you just don't cross. Putting ultimatums like her guy has done, bargaining about health, voicing conditions like that is just wrong.It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?
I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)
Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?
As has been said by others, we do not know the whole story, but what we clearly hear is how OP feels. That in itself is a truth that should not be ignored. And if her potential husband truly thinks the way he seems to be thinking, can anything change it? If he doesn't have understanding for his own mother and her situation even, then how could he ever change from black-white to greyscale, let alone all the rainbow colours? Certain things adults say and do are "absolute" in my opinion.
Would you - general you - want your daughter or sister to consider marrying someone, who puts ultimatums on things (in quite the self-centered way I might add)? That's the way he will bring up his offspring, too. Love is one thing, but there is so much more to sharing the everyday life with a partner.
There's fun, laughter and tears, but also lots of practical matters. Is it realistic to expect to stay healthy, fresh and "young" for the rest of one's life? I don't think so. What's stopping an appearance-focussed person to trade out someone to a fresher version later in life? I'm an optimist, but life has taught me to remember the realism, as well. In the end nobody but OP can answer whether this guy is a good investment or not.
He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.
I lived through his chaos, trying to support and talk, but he didn't want to work on his problems until it was too late. Quite frankly I wasted some really good years on him and can only thank someone in charge that we never got kids together. Emotionally I aged far beyond a decade in the process and while I'm only 35, sometimes I feel double the age; wouldn't wish that torment on anyone.
If you look back at what I wrote, I'm not telling OP what to do nor did I assume we know the whole situation, including his mental state, but I did what I felt someone would have told me prior to my marrying the ex; it isn't just pink glasses all the time, but everyday life will arrive at some point. I was too scared on some level to admit what was right in front of me and from there on it just escalated. In other words, the signs were there yet I didn't act on them.
Again, I'm not assuming their situation is like mine, but maybe it will help her or someone else reading to face reality bravely. I feel like myself again, but paid a hell of a price for getting lost for a while. These thoughts aren't directed at anyone in particular, but the train of thoughts quoted seemed like as good as any place to post them into context with.
Her situation is not yours. He is not your ex. These are two unique individuals with a problem that either can be worked out or it cannot. It starts with a conversation with him about her feelings. Perhaps then counseling. Maybe he's a controlling jerk, but if you read the OP there is some reason to think otherwise. I don't know. Neither does anyone else responding. One thing is for certain, however, if she doesn't raise the issue with him then the problem will fester.0 -
He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.
Nope - he didn't just criticize her weight. He made it a condition of marriage. I fully believe that people can fall in and out of attraction, and falling out of attraction due to someone's weight is of course a possibility (this is a super harsh reality, and it's not true for all people - some people will love you no matter if you gain/lose weight. it's hard to know whether you end up with a person like that until it happens). But making it a condition of marriage is bullsh!t. If he's attracted to her now, enough so to be in a 4+ yr relationship, then he should be attracted enough to her to marry her. What's really going on here is that she's fine for now, but not for forever, and she's putting up with it because she's financially dependent on him.
To OP: the emotional state he's put you in will make it incredibly difficult to lose weight for you. You'll now be losing it for him. If you can deal with that, more power to you, but I couldn't. What he said hurts because it really means that he's doesn't love you enough to marry you if you're at this weight, meaning that if you lose and gain it again, he'll fall out of that same love (he's said there's a exception for pregnancy, but you have no way of knowing whether or not that's true until it happens). If you want to stay with him and not get married, then it seems like you can just keep going. But if you want to get married, you'll have to lose weight. Only you can decide if you'll be able to continue the relationship if you are able to do so without resentment.
Note - I'm not advocating that you stay with him. I likely would not, but I am not you, and you are not me, and we may need different things in a relationship.0 -
It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
This.
Immediately the responses sound as if he is an abuser and he is a appalling person for saying something that he very well may think. But, is that the case? Or, is this just something that he gave you an straightforward opinion about that you just really didn’t want to hear?
The way that i think about it is that you get to marry (ideally) one person in your lifetime.
One.
You get to choose this person however you would like. You get to pick who will WANT for the rest of your life...or you don’t have to. You can choose no one, that is okay too. You can settle, aim for the stars, you can go for physical attributes, you can go for personality, intellect, interests, money, so on, so forth...
Or you can pick just who you want and not marry them. Ever. For whatever reason you would like not to.
Tis' the beauty...everyone gets this opportunity and choice. But...there is a catch...
A RELATIONSHIP IS TWO PEOPLE, WITH TWO MINDS, AND TWO PREFERANCES!
Uh oh...what if they don’t line up directly?
More choices to be made. And compromise (if you want).
You nor him should be faulted for being honest about what you want and don’t want out of a spouse. You only get one.0 -
Run girl run! You are better off without him!0
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I don't feel you're reading what I write.
In my opinion he didn't just criticize her weight. He took an active step in a direction that is psychological abuse. He might not move further in that direction but none of us knows and I don't think it is wrong to alert OP to ponder whether there are other signs or not. I've survived a short but intense marriage with heavy psychological abuse and this is how it started, not the exact same situation but a similar pattern.
I'm the first to recommend talking about things, but with that said, if things went down the way OP describes it, there are certain lines you just don't cross. Putting ultimatums like her guy has done, bargaining about health, voicing conditions like that is just wrong.It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?
I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)
Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?
As has been said by others, we do not know the whole story, but what we clearly hear is how OP feels. That in itself is a truth that should not be ignored. And if her potential husband truly thinks the way he seems to be thinking, can anything change it? If he doesn't have understanding for his own mother and her situation even, then how could he ever change from black-white to greyscale, let alone all the rainbow colours? Certain things adults say and do are "absolute" in my opinion.
Would you - general you - want your daughter or sister to consider marrying someone, who puts ultimatums on things (in quite the self-centered way I might add)? That's the way he will bring up his offspring, too. Love is one thing, but there is so much more to sharing the everyday life with a partner.
There's fun, laughter and tears, but also lots of practical matters. Is it realistic to expect to stay healthy, fresh and "young" for the rest of one's life? I don't think so. What's stopping an appearance-focussed person to trade out someone to a fresher version later in life? I'm an optimist, but life has taught me to remember the realism, as well. In the end nobody but OP can answer whether this guy is a good investment or not.
He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.
I lived through his chaos, trying to support and talk, but he didn't want to work on his problems until it was too late. Quite frankly I wasted some really good years on him and can only thank someone in charge that we never got kids together. Emotionally I aged far beyond a decade in the process and while I'm only 35, sometimes I feel double the age; wouldn't wish that torment on anyone.
If you look back at what I wrote, I'm not telling OP what to do nor did I assume we know the whole situation, including his mental state, but I did what I felt someone would have told me prior to my marrying the ex; it isn't just pink glasses all the time, but everyday life will arrive at some point. I was too scared on some level to admit what was right in front of me and from there on it just escalated. In other words, the signs were there yet I didn't act on them.
Again, I'm not assuming their situation is like mine, but maybe it will help her or someone else reading to face reality bravely. I feel like myself again, but paid a hell of a price for getting lost for a while. These thoughts aren't directed at anyone in particular, but the train of thoughts quoted seemed like as good as any place to post them into context with.
Her situation is not yours. He is not your ex. These are two unique individuals with a problem that either can be worked out or it cannot. It starts with a conversation with him about her feelings. Perhaps then counseling. Maybe he's a controlling jerk, but if you read the OP there is some reason to think otherwise. I don't know. Neither does anyone else responding. One thing is for certain, however, if she doesn't raise the issue with him then the problem will fester.
What's so wrong with her talking to him first rather than jumping to the conclusion that this is the beginning of emotional abuse? I definitely am reading what you write. You brought up your own relationship problems and then said you weren't assuming that their relationship is the same. I'm not sure I agree with that. Talking is vital here.0 -
Run as fast as you can. If you were perfect and he loved you he would have married you already.0
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What a jerk !
:noway:0 -
very quick way to loose a lot of weight - Is he perfect? I seriously doubt it. There are ways to motivate and encourage people and this isnt one of them.0
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should have said, quick way to loose weight - dump him0
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I think you already know that this is not the kind of loving supportive partner you deserve. And.....you've been together for 4 years. It really doesn't take four years if it's the right match and if the relationship has forward momentum (that is if both people are marriage minded).
Hard as it may be.....you should go looking for someone who doesn't say...."I would marry you if you.....whatever". Lots of guys are looking for an excuse not to make a commitment. He's making his problem your fault. Not a good sign.0 -
Great 3rd post for being here 4 years. Oh and no profile or friends. Is it fun to spark man bashing? At least come back a couple of times to rile people up a little more. :flowerforyou:0
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I’m sorry but if he hasn’t purposed in four years and now says it’s because of your weight he’s got some deeper issues and it’ll only get worse as time goes on. If he can’t except you as you are now what makes you think that losing a little of weight will be good enough.
If you must give him another chance then explain to him how his comment hurt you and that you need to know that his love is based on who you are not what you look like. But make that his last chance, for years is long enough with someone like that is long enough. Drop him like a bad habit!0 -
I've only read the OP, forgive me if I'm repeating what others said.
@OP: That man, not matter how much you love him, IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. It is NOT EVER going to get better. He'll find a new "flaw" that will need to be "fixed" before he'll give you what you want. And another after that, and so on and so forth. I've seen too many people I care about deal with people like that and NO ONE deserves that kind of crap.
Do whatever you need to do to get things untangled, but do not stay with this man. He is not the one for you.
Emotionally abusive? The guy is being honest GMAFB
I agree with Sonic.0 -
I was married for 20 years to a "why make the effort, you'll just put it back on" man. He was a see-sawer on his weight, too, but it seems like men can get away with extra weight while women have a much harder time of it. He was also a commenter on hair styles and why I looked comical after almost every haircut. He made opportunities to play up my "faults" and used the term "lazy" quite a bit. He also saw another woman while we were still married. Why did I stay with him? I was used to him and afraid to not be with a man. Stupid, huh?
We divorced and I moved away. I ran into an old high school chum at a reunion, and one thing led to another. We did not marry, but we were together for 9 years until he passed away. He did ask me to grow my hair long, until one day he came in and said, "Let's go get your hair cut. You are miserable and wasting an hour of your time every morning with your hair. I love you with any length hair, and let's go to a salon right now. I'm paying!!" He was an angel and he only talked about my weight when he talked about his, too. I had breast cancer and some days could not even get out of bed by myself. He took care of me and went to every lab and doctor visit, and he always took notes on each visit. Because of the chemotherapy, I was bald for six months, and he made me feel like I was beautiful, even with no hair and only one breast. During my after-surgery radiation, he took care of the burned areas and blisters that came up, and he never turned away from me at any time. God bless him, and I thank God for sending him to me.
There are supportive partners out there. I was fortunate to find mine after all those years (I was 54, he was 55, when we met again). I guarantee that if I had been with my ex-husband when I had chemo, surgery and radiation for breast cancer, he would have walked away and left me to my sister and daughter.
Your partner sounds as if he wants everything Perfect (with a capital "P"). He does not sound like someone who would stick 'til death do us part" if things got tough.
And what if your children are not "perfect"? What if one of them has a weight problem to fight and his/her father turns up his nose because he/she is not "perfect"?
It's hard to break away, and those of us on this message board cannot and should not tell you what to do. I just hope we've all given you things to think about. You are young and that is on your side. Good luck to you.0 -
Advance Harshness Warning: You are you. You will still be you 50lbs heavier or lighter. This is emotionally abusive talk and he's a total d*ck.
Do better elsewhere, if you lose the weight (though if your pic is current, what weight to lose?) you will be too blonde to get married, or too tall or too something else.
+10 -
I agree with Sonic.
Yes, but you also told a story about a man "making" a woman eat a certain diet and climb mountains in order to be married.
I wonder how that would go over if I posted a topic stating, "I love my husband, but I'm not willing to celebrate our anniversary if he doesn't do hot oil conditioning treatments on his hair and give himself a manicure every day."0 -
Love shouldn't come with conditions. Unfortunately his words have wound you deeply and he has put doubt in your mind. You will always question yourself if your good enough for him. I hope that you get some clarity and make the right choice. Love can be a wonderful thing when you find that someone who's love goes beyond the superficial. Wish you the best
"above all else,guard your heart,for everything you do flows from it"0
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