Help! hurtful comment from partner
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His motives would be a strong predictor. What will happen when you get pregnant? How is he going to treat you during that time of rapid growth? You are 20 kgs over weight. Seems harsh to hold off on a proposal over that. Sounds like he is making excuses. Try talking to him, perhaps counselling. If not as a couple, at least for yourself so you can feel better.
I was going to ask this exact same thing. I agree w/other people on here, while we should all strive to be our best and look our best for our SO's, if they really love you then it shouldn't be a deciding factor for anything. I don't think you should continue giving this shallow person the time of day. You should be doing this for you not for anybody else. Sorry you have to endure this, I'd kick him to the curb.0 -
You should never accept hurt from anyone. Find someone who loves you for you and treats you righ.0
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To me this isn't about your weight and getting married, it's about control. He is holding this proposal over your head for control. I was in a relationship with guy many years ago who used to have me get on the scale every week to make sure I didn't gain weight. After we broke up, because I wanted kids and he did not, I realized exactly how controlling he was in every aspect of my life. I was/am so much happier without him. After 4 years, it's time to move on.0
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Lose the weight for yourself, not as a condition for a proposal. If he's treating a proposal as a reward for you 'behaving' a certain way, then no, that's not ok. Every person deserves someone who can love them for better or worse. He's already ruled out the 'for worse' part of the equation by not seeing you as a person for yourself, but rather as a shape he can or can't live with.
It's hard to walk away after that length of time, but you do not deserve to spend your life having your weight hanging over your head as a threat. You'll never enjoy another meal for fear that it will make you pick up weight. Do you really want a lifetime of that? You pick up some weight down the line for whatever reason and you're out, you have affection witheld. My ex was a bit like that, always had something to say, so he had to go. It sucked but I'm better off and don't have that constant drone of him belittling me in my ears. He is some other woman's problem now. You deserve so much more, not to have to sit around waiting for someone to find you good enough to put a ring on it.0 -
When i started dating my partner I weighted 160 and had a very physical job. Then once I graduated from college I got a sit down job and ended up at 227 pounds he loved me at every weight. I am losing weight again and he tells me if you want to get healthy that's great but remember you will always have the perfect body for me. I married him last year. If you partner loves you he would help you get healthy and tell you he loves you no matter what. Yes your partner needs to be attracted to you but if you love someone that is the main attraction. I would really sit down and talk with him about this if he truly feels he will be unhappy if you gain the weight back after you loose it and get married then you need to find someone who loves you more for your personality then your weight because then you will be able to work through more you can't always control how you look and you will get older that means wrinkles gray hair. What happens if you get into an accident and loose an arm. I know that is extreme but that is why you want to be with someone that loves your personality more than your looks because looks fade.0
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Sorry to hear you are going through this. :flowerforyou:
I think this is a perfect opportunity for you to give each other some space. If you are able to depend on yourself to get through schooling, my opinion is to do just that. Concentrate on YOU. You are still young and you are at a great position in life.... no kids.
I would tell him, he's right. I would move out and tell him "we can be friends. I love you too much to have you waste your time with someone you don't want to spend the rest of your life with. Take the time to work on you, your health and your worth. :flowerforyou:
If you take this from him now. As others have stated, expect the rest of the relationship to go in this direction.
If you love yourself more than someone else, you will not accept this behavior. I think if you show him, you value yourself more than anything. He will either realize what you mean to him, regardless of your size, or you guys were not meant to be.
You have a lot of years to live, if you are meant to be happy with this person. It will happen... sooner or later. :flowerforyou:0 -
Marry a man who will love you unconditionally, whether you're 150 lbs or 350 lbs.
This goes for women too... whether he's 150 lbs or 350 lbs.0 -
But I agree with most of the other comments... This guy seems very toxic to your emotional well-being. I would consider what he said to be on the lighter end of verbal abuse, and it shouldn't be tolerated.0
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Boy that sounds familiar! I'm not gonna tell you what to do, because odds are, you'll do what you think is right. And that's what you should do. I will tell you, however, that I feel like a man that won't marry you "just" because of your weight, doesn't really want to marry you.0
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He doesn't seem like a bad person, but you two obviously have different ideas of how your lives are going to play out. I think you should move on and find some one who's goals are more aligned with your own. A man says what he means, don't try to read something else in to it. He said he's not going to marry you in more ways than one. Its up to you to find some one else who wants what you want or stay in this holding pattern forever.0
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Next time he asks about your weight loss, tell him "It happens when it happens..."0
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A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
I agree 110%0 -
You should appreciate his honesty.
A marriage is a huge investment, both financially and emotionally. You're investing everything in your life into a person.
Certainly you can than understand why he doesn't want to invest in someone who's already not taking care of themselves.
I have a co-worker who's happily married and has been for sometime, but oh boy does she tell the story of the pre-marriage workout. Apparently her hubby made her eat chicken and veggies and climb a mountain every day until she was in shape for the wedding. She still eats the chicken and veggies almost all the time.
Sometimes the truth hurts, in this case, you're just hurt by the truth.
Married people are known to let themselves go once they tie the knot, so if it's gone this far he's probably worried about how far it will go later on, which is legit.
I would recommend to lose weight so you can get married.
You'll be glad you did. When it's over you'll see the situation through different eyes.
Even now looking back at my own before pictures I'm thinking "Why didn't anyone tell me how gigantic I'd gotten?"
At least you have a prize when you finish.
I've lost almost 70 lb and still as single as I was the day I started.
I strongly feel it's better for someone to be honest about their feelings (what he did) than try to sugar coat the situation and you would never find out what is up.
I don't think this bit of honesty makes him bad at all.
In a marriage, there is going to be a lot of sensitive issues discussed and a lot of effort and sacrifices made by both parties.
This is a test to see how well you can handle the first of many.0 -
Trust is a central key to any relationship. I'm not talking about trusting him not to cheat, that's just a small component. You need to be able to trust your man with your life - trust him to protect you, provide for you, make decisions for you and make decisions for your relationship. You know what I mean? If you get sick, do you trust him to do right by you, to take care of your finances? What about if you lose your job? Hit a rough patch? Long term, you won't respect a man you can't trust.
Another thing, and this is true of friendships as well, toxic relationships involve people who put you down. They tear you down. They seek out your flaws. Good relationships are when two people build each other up. They encourage each other, they support each other, they are kind to each other. They are also honest with you, but in a loving way.
I married my husband when I was 112 pounds. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary with me 40 pounds heavier. Did he lament the weight gain? No. He tells me how much he loves my curves, how sexy I am, and how much he "loves the view." He loves me as a person and he still tells people that he doesn't know what he did to deserve me.
On another note...When I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me for 5 of the 7 years we were married, do you know what he said? He told me it was my fault because I don't dress right. Don't let that happen to you.0 -
If someone loves you they shouldn't dictate what your weight should be. If you lost the weight to be with him and then gained it back after childbirth, would he tell you he'd leave you? It seems pretty awful that his solution for that is you'll obviously lose the weight after you give birth.
I'd be out of there so fast. He sounds selfish.0 -
Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!0
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this makes me sad to read, OP, but then i got sadder when i read your response wherein you seemingly make excuses for his words saying he supports you emotionally and financially going back to school...he's not supporting you emotionally in any way, shape or form. you should believe youre better than he's made you feel because you ARE worth more. I hope you see it sooner rather than later.0
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Loving the compassion and understanding on this thread... so nice to have it free of judgement and criticism.
I wondered what the original poster would do if she had a daughter and her partner was telling her this... would you think he was very caring and only wanted the best for her or that she deserved acceptance as she is and someone to adore her no matter what the number on the scales are. Ask yourself what you would want for your daughter... sometimes it is easier to find your voice in the protection of another.
you said 'I would be perfect otherwise' if the weight shifted... that makes me very said as your identity, values, caring, love, strength and everything else you are is being undermined by that fact he is holding you to ransom... that isn't something I would call love, I would look more at issues of control, who determines the relationship... etc. I work with couples and have to say that the dynamics can change very drastically when one half of the relationship becomes the 'kept' person rather than both independent equals.... but that shouldn't mean you are without your own autonomy. Decide what is right for you.
I would really struggle to support you getting down to HIS ideal weight... as it doesn't sound like he really cares that his words are wounding you? Isn't that more important to discuss with him? Would he be 'perfect otherwise'?
I hope you find a way through this x0 -
My husband, I have been with him for 5 years and known him for 8, Married me at a whopping 212lbs! Stretch marks, flaws and All!! He loved me anyway and told me I was beautiful even though I hated myself.. Today I am at 143.4lbs and has been supportive and never harsh or pushy. even when I make comments about how big I used to be, he still says that I was beautiful at any size..but now he has a harder time keeping his hands off me
If this man is refusing to marry you BECAUSE of your size, He is immature. Do you want your future children to have the same opinions about the ones they love, do you want them to be hurtful?
I think that this guy really needs to sort out his priorities, Love is love no matter WHAT size!!
You do not deserve to be treated so disrespectfully! You are beautiful! You deserve someone that sees that!0 -
A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
THIS.. I think that is one of the best quotes I have ever heard.0 -
Drop him like 3rd period French.. You deserve better Nuff said
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Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!
And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable0 -
Lots of advice so far. thank you
we don't have children and I asked him "what's going to happen when we have kids". his reply was "don't be ridiculous, that is a natural part of life but then you would go back to your normal weight. His brothers wife is a naturally tiny woman and has had no trouble going back to her pre baby weight. His mother isn't a small lady however.
A lot of outside "pressure" is coming in from his family and our friends about when we are getting married. (I try not to push it, he knew my feelings but i didn't want to ruin a surprise so I'm not constantly in his face about it) I asked him how his mother would react if he told her "my weight" was the reason we weren't married yet. He said she's slap him. But he still maintained that men are visual.
I recently went back to uni (to better our futures) and he supports me financially and emotionally with that. he works away 2 weeks on 2 weeks off for me to do uni and us to still survive financially. he also put his career aspirations on hold for me to fulfil mine as a health care professional. He mentioned that he has given a lot for me to do this (true) and all he asks is that I take care of myself.
I pushed him further and asked what his ideal for me would be and his "goal" for me is realistic, in that I can reach the size 10-12.
I asked why he hasn't left me if this is how he feels and he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise.
I know I have to and want to lose weight - but why does it hurt when he has said it?
appreciates everyones point of view.
"he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise. "
Trust me, with someone like this, you will always be found wanting. I have been there. It is emotionally abusive, and he is not the one for you nor you for him. The financial entanglements will be hard to get out of, but if you want a happy marriage and children, he is not the one.
Harsh words, but true. I left someone who always found me wanting no matter how thin I got, no matter what I did to try and please him. He spent the next 8 years single and eventually became a priest (true story). Make of that what you will! :laugh:0 -
This thread seems to be what he wants. What do you want? He's been honest that one of his conditions is that you be a different size to get married. What are your conditions? If he doesn't want to marry a woman that is overweight, that's his right, but you don't have to be that woman. Are you alright with not being married now due to your size? If you two can't resolve that, maybe it's not the right match. It's impossible to tell without knowing you two.
Someone else said to tell him to pee or get off the pot. I think if that's your condition, that's ok. "Let's do this or not, but I'm not willing to accept my weight as the reason we haven't been married after four years. My weight may be a deal breaker for you, but me not being married after all this time is a deal breaker for me. We either need to work this out or let each other go."
This thread isn't about people reacting to him criticizing your weight. It's people reacting to your weight being a condition on whether or not he wants to marry you. Some people are ok with that. Are you?0 -
I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough.
tl;dr all the responses, but your answer is right there^^0 -
Perhaps he is just concerned for your health and has poor communication skills?0
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I was married to a jerk like yours (SORRY!!) for 20 years. ALWAYS ALWAYS nagging about my weight to the point that I was hospitalised for clinical depression and bulaemia,did he care NOPE,NOT A JOT.In the end he left me and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm remarried to a sweet and caring man who loves me whatever I eat or don't, or however I exercise or don't.
I'm REALLY sorry and this is harsh but if he doesn't accept you now for how you are you need to think seriously about your future together.He absolutely has to love you for what's on the inside and NOT just what's on the outside or else what'll happen 40 or 50 years down the line ??Will he leave you because he doesn't like your wrinkles????0 -
Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!
And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable
It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.0 -
If his attitude is "It'll happen when it does" do you intend for us to believe that the both of you brought it up when you say "We have broached the subject of marriage many times," or rather you keep bringing it up and that's his response to you? From the sounds of it, you are bringing it up and he is shutting the idea down. He's being straightforward with you, and that is commendable. He's in his happy place where he can come and go and his assets and other legal interests are protected if he finds someone that is marriage material for him.
Bottom line: you chose to stay with him and piss away 4 years (or 15%) of your life that you could have devoted to someone else.0 -
My husband has loved me thru "thick/250 pounds" and "thin/170 pounds". If your asking for advice, here's mine "run in the other direction!!0
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