Help! hurtful comment from partner

h7463

Hi there....
I won't be taking sides on this here, however, I would like to share my own ideas on why I should stay in shape for my relationship and family....
Look around, good health has become a big financial investment. Healthcare is expensive, the job market is beyond competitive, and the prices for pretty much everything are going through the roof. Been to a job interview lately? Looking across the table at a young executive in a suit, that's nicely clinging to a bodybuilder figure...? All right, do you think, if you came huffing and puffing, very much overweight, out of the elevator, that you're getting the job? Nope, not likely. These days, if you're ' in shape', you're considered dedicated, disciplined, people can count on that, because you didn't buy the body you're in, you WORKED HARD for it. Of course, they can't dismiss you for being who you are, but looking statistically at the potential visits to the doctor's office, or hospital stays in your immediate future, they will find you unfit to tackle the job for other reasons.
Planning a life and a family with somebody is maybe not unlike this job interview. You have to evaluate the risk, costs, and dependability of your partner/co-worker/co-breadwinner.... This goes both ways. Honestly, can I trust my partner to be fit enough to shoulder the burden of a mortgage on his/her own, in case I get sick, or is he/she struggling with costly health issues, that wouldn't have come up in the first place, if he/she had reasonably taken care of his/herself....?
Trust me, sharing a household with family members who are not into a reasonably fit lifestyle is difficult, to say the least. Junk food piles aside, it's rough enough to stay on track for the partner who actually WANTS to stay in shape.... Be honest! Midnight ice cream binge...anybody....???? We've all been there to a point, otherwise, we wouldn't hang out on this website, looking for advise on how to live and eat healthy. There are a ton of threads on here, of people complaining about how respective partners are making their fitness journey difficult, up to total sabotage.

Of course, it is just my personal opinion, spiced up with a healthy dose of personal experience, but let's just step back, and think about how much dedication, hard work, discipline, and concern our loved ones are worth. To me, it's worth tearing myself up, to make sure, I can carry my part of my relationship, and most of what comes along with it. When it comes to the expectations that I have from my partner, the very least that I have to have, is trust. I have to trust him to rise to the occasion in any aspect of our life together. That's the bare minimum. If I can't count on that, it's time to abandon the relationship.

To the OP: Good luck for your future.

ELMunque

It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.

Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.

To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.

Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.

For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.

Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.

My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?

Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?

One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.

Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.

^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.

This.

Immediately the responses sound as if he is an abuser and he is a appalling person for saying something that he very well may think. But, is that the case? Or, is this just something that he gave you an straightforward opinion about that you just really didn’t want to hear?

The way that i think about it is that you get to marry (ideally) one person in your lifetime.
One.
You get to choose this person however you would like. You get to pick who will WANT for the rest of your life...or you don’t have to. You can choose no one, that is okay too. You can settle, aim for the stars, you can go for physical attributes, you can go for personality, intellect, interests, money, so on, so forth...
Or you can pick just who you want and not marry them. Ever. For whatever reason you would like not to.

Tis' the beauty...everyone gets this opportunity and choice. But...there is a catch...
A RELATIONSHIP IS TWO PEOPLE, WITH TWO MINDS, AND TWO PREFERANCES!
Uh oh...what if they don’t line up directly?

More choices to be made. And compromise (if you want).

You nor him should be faulted for being honest about what you want and don’t want out of a spouse. You only get one.

As soon as I read this post, I knew it would be picked to death.

I agree with your post to a point. My husband was not my type when I met him. His race, his body type, his up bringing, the music he listens too.... seriously way off, and although I didn't find him unattrative, I didn't exactly swoon over him either. I fell in love with him, as a person, and now he's the hottest thing on 2 legs. If I ever started thinking that he was unattractive, I would question what was wrong with our marriage, not because he gained or lost weight, but because I wasn't looking at him and seeing him the way I do right now.

From a health stand point, if he (or I) was being unhealthy or was not practicing proper hygiene, that would be different for me, that would be a problem because he actually changed from the man I fell in love with to a slob.

I believe you should marry someone for who they are, not what they look like because in 80 years that beautiful person you married has to be able to shine through a much older exterior. Granted, attraction is important, especially initial attraction, but after 4 years, surely there is that.

I don't know how much weight the OP has gained in 4 years, if it's just 30lbs or 130lbs (I skipped to the end) so I can understand if she has gained a lot of weight that it could be a health issue, in which case she has changed who she is in the past 4 years.

Do I think he's an *kitten*, no, do I think he could have gone about this another way? Yes. Do I think the OP should consider this an abusive relationship and run and never look back? No. OP needs to evaluate her relationship and decide what she's willing to do for her man and if she is worth it, if he is worth it, if the relationship is worth it.

MeSheilaD

{{HUGS}}

I know that he says he loves you. Maybe he does, but it's not unconditional. When choosing the man for you to spend the rest of your life with, you want someone that will love you unconditionally. You might have children with him in the future, and THAT will probably make your weight a recurring issue (I've been struggling with maintaining my weight ever since I had my daughter), PLUS you will have the added stress of raising children too. The recurring weight issue plus the added stress will really require a man that will love you unconditionally. From what he's said to you, he doesn't seem like it.

I wish you wouldn't have the mindset about whether you are good enough for him. Yes, you are!

I wish you had the mindset about whether he is good enough for you, instead.

DebbieLyn63

Yeah, so many people throwing out the 'just dump him, you deserve better" response. Relationships are much more complex than that.

1. Do you want to lose weight? If so, then do it. For yourself. For him. Whatever the reason, just do it. You won't regret losing the weight and creating a healthier lifestyle for yourself. Especially if you are going into the medical/nursing field, which is notorious for high stress and excess weight in many women.
If you lose the weight and he still wont marry you, then you will have your answer.

2. It sounds as if you are living together, since he is supporting you in your schooling. So you don't have to work to pay any bills? He is paying for all your expenses? If so, then you are very fortunate to have someone supporting you financially while you get your degree. Unless you want to find someone else to support you while you go to school, you may have to deal with not getting the marriage proposal you want right now.

3. It doesn't sound like he is ready to get married. At least not right now. The weight is most likely the best excuse he can give you at this point. Other than you wanting to get married, it sounds like he is fine with the relationship as it is right now. He has no need to get married. He works 2 weeks away and is home 2 weeks? So he is married 'part-time' and that seems to work for him.
You are still in school and will be starting a career in a high stress field. Why do you want to get married at this point? Do you want to start a family soon? Not exactly the time to do that right now.

If everything else is great with him, other than him not wanting to propose, then just take the relationship for what it is right now- convenient for both of you. Do not bring up the subject of marriage anymore. He knows you want to get married. When he decides he is ready for marriage, he will let you know.

Finish working on yourself as a person, before you become a wife and mother. Finish your degree. Establish your career. Better your health.

When you HAVE done all this and are ready to get married- then make the decision if this guy is the one who will be there when you are 80. If not, look elsewhere.

Shan_Lindsay

is your profile picture current?

You don't look like you need to lose any weight to me.

I think it's a really ****ty thing for him to say that to you. But I think you need to want to lose the weight for yourself and not anyone else.

I personally, don't think I could be with someone who gave me an ultimatum like that, but that's just me.

tiger4nikki

I think he's making excuses. Seriously, why is he with you at all if your weight bothers him? That makes no sense that he will be with you but not marry you at your current weight. If you DO get married, is he going to divorce you if you gain weight? I think it's time to move on..............

AwesomeLisa

I was married for 20 years to a "why make the effort, you'll just put it back on" man. He was a see-sawer on his weight, too, but it seems like men can get away with extra weight while women have a much harder time of it. He was also a commenter on hair styles and why I looked comical after almost every haircut. He made opportunities to play up my "faults" and used the term "lazy" quite a bit. He also saw another woman while we were still married. Why did I stay with him? I was used to him and afraid to not be with a man. Stupid, huh?

We divorced and I moved away. I ran into an old high school chum at a reunion, and one thing led to another. We did not marry, but we were together for 9 years until he passed away. He did ask me to grow my hair long, until one day he came in and said, "Let's go get your hair cut. You are miserable and wasting an hour of your time every morning with your hair. I love you with any length hair, and let's go to a salon right now. I'm paying!!" He was an angel and he only talked about my weight when he talked about his, too. I had breast cancer and some days could not even get out of bed by myself. He took care of me and went to every lab and doctor visit, and he always took notes on each visit. Because of the chemotherapy, I was bald for six months, and he made me feel like I was beautiful, even with no hair and only one breast. During my after-surgery radiation, he took care of the burned areas and blisters that came up, and he never turned away from me at any time. God bless him, and I thank God for sending him to me.

There are supportive partners out there. I was fortunate to find mine after all those years (I was 54, he was 55, when we met again). I guarantee that if I had been with my ex-husband when I had chemo, surgery and radiation for breast cancer, he would have walked away and left me to my sister and daughter.

Your partner sounds as if he wants everything Perfect (with a capital "P"). He does not sound like someone who would stick 'til death do us part" if things got tough.

And what if your children are not "perfect"? What if one of them has a weight problem to fight and his/her father turns up his nose because he/she is not "perfect"?

It's hard to break away, and those of us on this message board cannot and should not tell you what to do. I just hope we've all given you things to think about. You are young and that is on your side. Good luck to you.

^^^ This is a wonderful demonstration of love and devotion. Ask yourself if the man you are with will give you this kind of support when you need him?

rfogle

I met my ex husband when I was heavy, I married him when I was heavy and we divorced when I was heavy. My ex never said a word about my weight, even though he was quite fit. What I did hear from him was excuses not to get married. We also had a lot of outside pressure and I admit I was not helping the situation. We got married and I could tell from the day we got back from our honeymoon that it was not something he wanted. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his view of the world. He was perfectly happy making a commitment to me but was not interested putting it on a piece of paper. He loved me in every sense of the word, but making things legal (even though we shared a house, checking accounts and car loans), it was our ruin. Sounds to me like your weight may have nothing to do with it. Perhaps marriage just is not something he is interested in. My advice is decide if the relationship is working the way things are. If it is and this is all the relationship will ever be, are you ok with that? If so great. If not, then cut the cord now. Regardless of the financial support he offers, you are only delaying the inevitable. And in the long run it will make things that much harder.

chocolatexxmintt

I'm sorry hun, but to me this just sounds like a very mean and cruel excuse! Weight should be a factor in proposing. Either he loves you or he just doesn't want marriage. But to be honest if my fiance had said that to me he would have been an ex about five minutes later.

chocolatexxmintt

I meant it shouldnt be ***********

AnitaCRice

You should appreciate his honesty.

A marriage is a huge investment, both financially and emotionally. You're investing everything in your life into a person.

Certainly you can than understand why he doesn't want to invest in someone who's already not taking care of themselves.

I have a co-worker who's happily married and has been for sometime, but oh boy does she tell the story of the pre-marriage workout. Apparently her hubby made her eat chicken and veggies and climb a mountain every day until she was in shape for the wedding. She still eats the chicken and veggies almost all the time.

Sometimes the truth hurts, in this case, you're just hurt by the truth.

Married people are known to let themselves go once they tie the knot, so if it's gone this far he's probably worried about how far it will go later on, which is legit.

I would recommend to lose weight so you can get married.

You'll be glad you did. When it's over you'll see the situation through different eyes.

Even now looking back at my own before pictures I'm thinking "Why didn't anyone tell me how gigantic I'd gotten?"

At least you have a prize when you finish.

I've lost almost 70 lb and still as single as I was the day I started.

I strongly feel it's better for someone to be honest about their feelings (what he did) than try to sugar coat the situation and you would never find out what is up.

I don't think this bit of honesty makes him bad at all.

In a marriage, there is going to be a lot of sensitive issues discussed and a lot of effort and sacrifices made by both parties.

This is a test to see how well you can handle the first of many.

I agree with a lot of what is said in this post. I sure wouldn't like it if my husband/boyfriend said something like this. In fact, my husband actually never would say anything like this, BUT that's not saying he has never THOUGHT something similar. I think this guy just had the guts to say what a lot of men think.

That being said, I don't really believe it should be a condition of the proposal. He should love you for who you are, but the physical attraction also does need to be there.

1Cor1510

Love shouldn't come with conditions. Unfortunately his words have wound you deeply and he has put doubt in your mind. You will always question yourself if your good enough for him. I hope that you get some clarity and make the right choice. Love can be a wonderful thing when you find that someone who's love goes beyond the superficial. Wish you the best

"above all else,guard your heart,for everything you do flows from it"

I agree with this 100%. I am living this "You will always question yourself if you're good enough for him" right now. I have finally begun to lose some of the weight I put on after we married, and my husband's attention has turned 180 degrees in the right direction FINALLY. Over the last 6 months he has become the "boyfriend" I wish I'd had for the last 20 years. It's left me wondering what was wrong with me all those years... Although everything seems "better" now that I've lost some weight, my feelings about it are just this--HURT.

Marraige is a big deal, and if you're really in it for the long haul, do some major introspection as to YOUR motives to get married, and do everything you can to make sure the right one is the one standing next to you. Don't give up too much of yourself to make him happy, learn to ask for what you want and need. There is the give and take, for sure, but you can lose yourself in the idea of being married, because it seems like the logical thing to do after 4 years.

Another thing: how he treats you in your everyday life will make a HUGE difference in how you take care of yourself. If you feel like you're being taken advantage of, disrespected, or just not given the attention you need, it can be very hard to feel worthy of the sacrifice and dedication it takes to really take care of yourself. If in 3 years, after you're married you feel like you can't gain weight because he won't "give" you kids, or "give" you that vacation you deserve, you're gonna be miserable. This mindset only gets worse with kids, not better.

lizziebeth1028

I have been with my partner for around 4 years and known him for 9 years.
We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc

I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.

Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...

Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.

Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?

The solution to your problem is you need to start running....................................in the other direction from this MAJOR A HOLE. This man does not want to marry you. He is using verbal abuse and manipulation to make you think you're the one with the problem. It's not you. It's him. RUN!!!

SunofaBeach14

He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.

Nope - he didn't just criticize her weight. He made it a condition of marriage. I fully believe that people can fall in and out of attraction, and falling out of attraction due to someone's weight is of course a possibility (this is a super harsh reality, and it's not true for all people - some people will love you no matter if you gain/lose weight. it's hard to know whether you end up with a person like that until it happens). But making it a condition of marriage is bullsh!t. If he's attracted to her now, enough so to be in a 4+ yr relationship, then he should be attracted enough to her to marry her. What's really going on here is that she's fine for now, but not for forever, and she's putting up with it because she's financially dependent on him.

To OP: the emotional state he's put you in will make it incredibly difficult to lose weight for you. You'll now be losing it for him. If you can deal with that, more power to you, but I couldn't. What he said hurts because it really means that he's doesn't love you enough to marry you if you're at this weight, meaning that if you lose and gain it again, he'll fall out of that same love (he's said there's a exception for pregnancy, but you have no way of knowing whether or not that's true until it happens). If you want to stay with him and not get married, then it seems like you can just keep going. But if you want to get married, you'll have to lose weight. Only you can decide if you'll be able to continue the relationship if you are able to do so without resentment.

Note - I'm not advocating that you stay with him. I likely would not, but I am not you, and you are not me, and we may need different things in a relationship.

I'm also curious if she'd stay with him if he lost his job and stopped putting her through school. It's equally as easy to view her as a gold digger as it is to view him as a jerk.

bciloveme2014

Go on youtube and find the Billy Joel song "Just the way you are". Play it and listen to the words. Now play it again. Now think about the messages your partner is giving you.

He is not saying "I'm concerned for your health" or "I worry this might affect your ability to have children" or anything supportive or concerned. He is saying "You are the wrong shape for me to make a commitment."

Move on and make your own weight/health decisions.

This ^, I would had ended the relationship right after that conversation because I think is a waste of time, I love myself too much to take that b.s. from him.

Catryx

I agree with the posters that recommend additional communication with your boyfriend instead of leaping to the 'dump the abuser' comments. Its so easy to only see the negative side of the comment when you're feeling hurt.

My first thought when I read this post...what do you say to him about your weight/fitness level? Do you think your life is on hold until you reach x size or look x way? If you think that YOU are not good enough where you are at, then he may reacting to that. When I was at my heaviest, my husband's complaint was not my weight per se, my husband's complaint was that I was too self-conscious BECAUSE of my weight. It kept me from doing all kinds of things that we both wanted to do. My husband says the sexiest women are the ones who think they're sexy.

The other thought I had when I read this was what is his family communication like? Is his family focused on physical fitness and size? If so, these may be expectations that he considers to be normal, and he may not realize his expectations (and comments) are hurting you to the degree that they are. If he thinks this is motivating, perhaps then you need to have a much larger discussion about how to motivate/communicate with each other. Some people are self-motivated and only need positive feedback, while others need external motivation and all types of feedback. Families, and how we are raised, heavily influence how we communicate and what we value.

I wish you luck. It sounds like you love him, and it sounds like he is pretty open to communicating with you, even if what he is saying isn't what you want to hear. I hope you can extend the conversation long enough to figure out if what you hear is what he MEANS.

.

leannems

I'm also curious if she'd stay with him if he lost his job and stopped putting her through school. It's equally as easy to view her as a gold digger as it is to view him as a jerk.

I don't disagree with you. But I also don't think there's anything wrong with someone being in a relationship just for the money. So long as you're up front and honest with that person, money is a valid reason to be in a relationship if that's what you decide is right for you.

I guess my point is that everyone gets to decide what they need/want out of a relationship. So long as they tell the other person what that is, and the other person is ok with it, then the relationship can work. We're fed this stuff that there is a perfect person out there that will have absolutely everything you want. The fact is, if marrying someone who will love you at every weight is important, you can find that person - they just might not be able to support you financially (or maybe they can do both, but they also do something else that drives you nuts). I guess what I don't get about this relationship is the line drawn in the sand - stay this weight and we can keep dating, but I won't marry you. There should be no difference. Either he's ok with her weight or he's not, marriage shouldn't be the line.

I truly believe that if she wants someone that will love her at any weight, she can find it, but she might have to give up some of the other things she's getting in this relationship. She has to decide what's more important. I guess I just don't believe that we can have it all unless the majority of that all is coming from ourselves.

SunofaBeach14

I'm also curious if she'd stay with him if he lost his job and stopped putting her through school. It's equally as easy to view her as a gold digger as it is to view him as a jerk.

I don't disagree with you. But I also don't think there's anything wrong with someone being in a relationship just for the money. So long as you're up front and honest with that person, money is a valid reason to be in a relationship if that's what you decide is right for you.

I guess my point is that everyone gets to decide what they need/want out of a relationship. So long as they tell the other person what that is, and the other person is ok with it, then the relationship can work. We're fed this stuff that there is a perfect person out there that will have absolutely everything you want. The fact is, if marrying someone who will love you at every weight is important, you can find that person - they just might not be able to support you financially (or maybe they can do both, but they also do something else that drives you nuts). I guess what I don't get about this relationship is the line drawn in the sand - stay this weight and we can keep dating, but I won't marry you. There should be no difference. Either he's ok with her weight or he's not, marriage shouldn't be the line.

I truly believe that if she wants someone that will love her at any weight, she can find it, but she might have to give up some of the other things she's getting in this relationship. She has to decide what's more important. I guess I just don't believe that we can have it all unless the majority of that all is coming from ourselves.

Women can marry for money but a man refusing to marry over a weight issue is wrong?

ETA: I'm still pushing for the OP to talk to her SO, but some of these world views are very interesting.

JBfoodforlife

Sorry to hear your going through this pain... From my point of view the immediate response is that he is being shallow, refusing to marry you based on looks... That being said, perhaps there is something from his past that brings this out... whether it be an overweight parent, grandparent, sibling or even past girlfriend that triggers something inside him... Of course there could be a commitment issue also as others have said... My only concern for you is that what happens if and when you lose the weight? Suppose you do marry... Then for whatever reason you gain weight again? Does that mean he is going to run from the marriage? Or worse just be mad at you all the time for being "overweight" (Whatever his standard of overweight means)... I am sure there is much more talk and discussion going on than you could ever possibly write here... I do hope the best for you and you hear the truth of what he is saying...

leannems

Women can marry for money but a man refusing to marry over a weight issue is wrong?

No - anyone can marry for money, so long as the other person knows about it.

Staying in the relationship when you're unhappy with the weight is wrong. There's no difference with before/after marriage. Making marriage conditional on the weight loss just makes no sense. If you're not attracted to a person enough to marry them, then why the heck do you keep dating them?