Help! hurtful comment from partner

h7463

If you're not attracted to a person enough to marry them, then why the heck do you keep dating them?

Temporary convenience, e.g. cooking, cleaning, intimate relations, etc.

Don't forget money

Hahahaha....this has developed into one of those threads from hell....damned if you post, damned if you don't.....no getting away from it...

About the 'marrying for money' thing....when the money is gone, so will be the options for a divorce...lawyers are expensive, and you can't eat the divorce papers....wondering, who has the last laugh there....lol

About the issue at hand... There is a second opinion to the problem, and it's obviously under-represented, due to the absence of the OP's partner in this conversation. I've payed for my husband's second college degree, after we both paid for our first degrees. There was no doubt in either mind, that this would in fact benefit both our futures, and he graduated with a lot of effort in minimum time, and with a maximum score. Win-win...
Looking at the OP's statement about working on a degree as health care professional, for which her partner paid for and postponed his own career advancement, is seems to be a fair question, if she will want to live like she's being educated to preach. I'm not attaching this to the marriage proposal or non-proposal, but generally asking for the future. How is it going to be, even without a partner? Where will the motivation come from? From the paycheck, or from the genuine desire to live by example (friends and family included) and help people to get healthy? IMO the attitude about this question will without any doubt transfer to future relationships as well.

conqueringsquidlette

You love him? He loves you? He's supporting your through school which actually shows a huge commitment to your future as a couple. He wouldn't be supporting someone he didn't want to spend a good deal of time with, would he? I REALLY disagree with the people saying you should leave him for this. I do suggest counseling. It can't hurt. And I suggest talking about it more it. The physical is a small part of a marriage but it is important.

Both my husband and I would have issues with each other if the other stopped taking care of themselves. It effects more than just your appearance and whether or not your partner is as attracted to you as he could be. Having extra weight effects your heath, your energy levels, your moods, your libido, etc. I think it's okay and "normal" to love someone but still have issues with some aspect of their appearance. My husband hated my short hair. He still loved me though.

The main issue I see isn't that he isn't happy with your weight, or that he expressed that (when you pressed him, he didn't just blurt it out). The main issue to me is that he's trying to make it a condition of marriage. That's the problem and that's what he needs to see is wrong. You don't get to put conditions on your spouse. First, the actual wedding is of little importance so it really doesn't matter much if you "look your best". Second, you support, encourage, deal with tricky relationship issues with tact and empathy. You don't say "I haven't asked you to marry me yet because you are fat". You say "Honey, I love you, but I'd really like to see you get healthier, what can I do to help? Maybe if we start thinking about planning the wedding, that would help with motivation? I'll start working out more too. We can both get in better shape for the wedding together."

I agree with you. It's not a matter of attraction, in my opinion. It's a guy dangling a proposal like a carrot in front of someone who loves him that bothers me. If he's not madly, head over heels in love with you *now*, then why on earth would you want to marry him? Marriage takes a joint effort and is the hardest thing I've ever done - and somebody putting a condition like that on you before you even get engaged is just setting the whole thing up for disaster. Ultimatums have no place in a marriage.

ironanimal

I don't see how this is different to refusing to marry a heavy smoker or alcoholic. A marriage is a long term commitment to eachother, and you're young - I don't blame him for having reservations about someone leading an unhealthy lifestyle, because in the end it won't just be you it affects if you marry him.

DoreenDC

Is this a joke? What exactly did you need help with, maybe you need to bump your head agian to bring you back to reality and the meaning of love and companionship.....seriously sweety, you need to dump this jerk, and let me guess he is NO MR. OLUMPIA either....those guys just kill me! Ummmm go have a dam burder and on the way out tell him to KISS YOUR *kitten*!

DoreenDC

He wasn't telling her to eat right, he was telling her to LOSE WEIGHT! Did you ever hear of SKINNY FAT PEOPLE! People that eat like slobs but stay skinny???? I dont think he cares what she eats as long as she is THIN in his eyes.

caracrawford1

Honey, if he wanted to get married by now he would have. If he wanted to PROPOSE he would have. Don't waste any more time with him if you and him are not headed in the same direction. Move on, but continue to try and lose weight FOR YOU. What would happen when/if you have children (and presumably gain weight) will he be unable to remain married to you---if that even happens with all the excuses he makes? I'm sure he cares for you, but marriage? Doesn't sound like he's on that page.

SunofaBeach14

You don't get to pick the line though. You said yourself that people should be free to structure their relationships as they see fit. It's that exception of yours that I'm finding amusing.

Right - they have to agree upon a line, and if she was ok with it she wouldn't have posted here. That's why it's either don't lose the weight and stay together w/o being married, or lose the weight and maybe he'll marry her. Up to her to decide what she wants to do, and whether she can do it.

Edited to add - what I don't get is that, to me, logically the line would be - get fat and we stop being together. I don't understand the marriage/no marriage thing.

She's asking for advice. That's why she posted here. In the end, his money may be appealing enough for her to lose weight.

Meerataila

That's the type of partner that can lead to an eating disorder, along with all sorts of other issues. Very unsustainable. If you need a way of eating you can do for a lifetime and not just short term, then you need a partner you can do for a lifetime, too. Doesn't sound like yours fits the bill.

vbrent07

I think you can do better. Whats going to happen if you get married then pregnant and gain weight right back? A person should love you for who you are regardless of what you weigh. My husband was with me when I was 90 pounds more then what I am today and still would if I was that same size. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself not for someone else

valeriedfloyd

I cannot believe how hurt you must feel. My husband and I take things very slowly. We were together four years before we got engaged and then another two before we got married. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking your time. I feel as if I got to know my partner better than many couples out there know theirs. One thing I can definitely be sure of in our marriage is that we love each other through hard times and good times. My husband has seen me at my smallest and my biggest. He was still supportive of whatever choice I made (more often than not, he was an enabler of my weight gain.. he likes to go out to eat). In a marriage you have to be able to trust that you can lean on your partner. He needs to be there for you unconditionally. You have to realize that if you lose the weight now so that he proposes, what happens if you put some back on in your "honeymoon stage" (I did!). Or what happens when you get pregnant and don't lose your baby weight immediately afterward like some women do. This man should love you for who you are unconditionally. If he is so concerned about what you look like on the outside, he is not focusing on you as a person. I am truly sorry that you are going through this and I pray that you find peace in whatever decision you make.

jtrack3d

He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself.

...

Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?

While I think what he said makes him seem like a jerk, there are always two sides to any conversation and we are only seeing yours. However, if what you say is correct, he HAS already given up on you. In his mind, your weight is important to him and the fact that his hints whether passive-aggressive or now blunt aren't enough to make you change, he has "giving up".

This says it's time for you to part. Then, he will really decide if that was important to him or not.

I know this isn't the answer you want... because you probably blame yourself for the weight and you probably don't want it either so part of you agrees with the sentiment. But the fact that he has "given up" means he has decided that it's not an option.

whatascene

This is alarming. Because there is WAY more to marriage than appearances. You have to stop and think, what if one of you get sick or disabled? It's the marriages that are in the foundation of unconditional love that can tackle these issues. Is this a partner you can trust to take care of you in your worst because you have a whole life together- things will happen. That would scare me to be with someone like that. And also, the fun topic of aging, we all grow older and we will never look 20-something again. A true partner wouldn't care and the deep love and friendship guides the attraction to one another- they're beautiful and sexy because they're the love of my life. You don't deserve to be on your toes your whole life trying to please him- it will destroy you from the inside out, and in the end you might be left with nothing.

tanyoshka

Wow. That would be devastating. While I agree that it's totally a d*ck thing to say, I'm not so eager to jump onto the "get rid of him" bandwagon. You said he's not usually unkind. Is this true? Did this come out of nowhere? If so, it's possible that got caught off guard and totally flubbed up trying to say something that should have come out in a completely different way. I'd suggest having a serious discussion about how much it hurt you and why exactly your weight makes the difference between marriage and dating. His reaction will be a good gauge as to what to do next.

However, if this is ANY kind of pattern, RUN! If he doesn't know (or care) that saying something like that is hurtful and brutal, then trust me, marriage will only make it worse.

jessica_120214

Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!

And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable

It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.

So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?

As a matter of fact it would be if it was a joke. But then again, I have a sense of humor. I'll kick a b**** in the vagina too. Lighten up.

leannems

She's asking for advice. That's why she posted here. In the end, his money may be appealing enough for her to lose weight.

It could be. That's why the "dump him" comments don't necessarily work. "Dump him" may be right for whoever is saying that (the condition of losing weight to win marriage does not outweigh the other available factors), but not necessarily for this poster. I guess my way of thinking is that if you're not attractive enough to marry, you're not attractive enough to date long term, so why bother; but perhaps the conditions for her mate are different as well (i.e. standards for marriage different than standards for 4+ yr relationship). It's the last part I have trouble with. Short term relationship - I get it - standards for marriage would be different. But to keep going for years when you're not happy enough to marry - I don't get (unless there's other information missing, i.e. marriage not that important).

valeriedfloyd

You love him? He loves you? He's supporting your through school which actually shows a huge commitment to your future as a couple. He wouldn't be supporting someone he didn't want to spend a good deal of time with, would he? I REALLY disagree with the people saying you should leave him for this. I do suggest counseling. It can't hurt. And I suggest talking about it more it. The physical is a small part of a marriage but it is important.

Both my husband and I would have issues with each other if the other stopped taking care of themselves. It effects more than just your appearance and whether or not your partner is as attracted to you as he could be. Having extra weight effects your heath, your energy levels, your moods, your libido, etc. I think it's okay and "normal" to love someone but still have issues with some aspect of their appearance. My husband hated my short hair. He still loved me though.

The main issue I see isn't that he isn't happy with your weight, or that he expressed that (when you pressed him, he didn't just blurt it out). The main issue to me is that he's trying to make it a condition of marriage. That's the problem and that's what he needs to see is wrong. You don't get to put conditions on your spouse. First, the actual wedding is of little importance so it really doesn't matter much if you "look your best". Second, you support, encourage, deal with tricky relationship issues with tact and empathy. You don't say "I haven't asked you to marry me yet because you are fat". You say "Honey, I love you, but I'd really like to see you get healthier, what can I do to help? Maybe if we start thinking about planning the wedding, that would help with motivation? I'll start working out more too. We can both get in better shape for the wedding together."

I agree with you. It's not a matter of attraction, in my opinion. It's a guy dangling a proposal like a carrot in front of someone who loves him that bothers me. If he's not madly, head over heels in love with you *now*, then why on earth would you want to marry him? Marriage takes a joint effort and is the hardest thing I've ever done - and somebody putting a condition like that on you before you even get engaged is just setting the whole thing up for disaster. Ultimatums have no place in a marriage.

I wholeheartedly agree with this comment! Marriage is HARD. My husband and I were head over heels in love when we decided to get married. Not that we aren't now, but things were much easier then. If he isn't at that stage now, he isn't going to improve with marriage. Shame on him for enticing you with promises of a life together, only if you look the way he wants you to.

kmbweber2014

It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.

Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.

To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.

Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.

For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.

Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.

My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?

Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?

One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.

Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.

^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.

These, both of these.

SunofaBeach14

Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!

And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable

It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.

So if man makes jokes about slapping women is that funny?

As a matter of fact it would be if it was a joke. But then again, I have a sense of humor. I'll kick a b**** in the vagina too. Lighten up.

You sound angry and violent. You should probably get some therapy for that.

Catryx

If so, it's possible that got caught off guard and totally flubbed up trying to say something that should have come out in a completely different way.

^^ this! Oh my word...if I had a nickle for every time this happened to me and my husband, I could use the excuse that I married him for money!

JenniferIsLosingIt

Marry a man who will love you unconditionally, whether you're 150 lbs or 350 lbs.

THIS!!! You deserve love, not judgement!