Help! hurtful comment from partner
Replies
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we don't have children and I asked him "what's going to happen when we have kids". his reply was "don't be ridiculous, that is a natural part of life but then you would go back to your normal weight.
And what happens if you don't 'go back to your normal weight'? He seems to have some unrealistic expectations, I imagine he is going to be one mighty unhappy husband.0 -
A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
^^This. Find someone who loves you for you, not for the idea of someone else. Love is all about unconditional acceptance and thinking the person is the bee's knees even with all their flaws.0 -
Another quote that comes to mind, and has, I think, been too much forgotten in this era: "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind" - Helena in Shakespeare's 'Dream. Men may be more 'visual' than women, but anyone who truly loves - enough to consider a lifelong commitment - should be more concerned with what's inside the shell, than with the outside, which inevitably changes through the years. It doesn't sound to me like this guy has his priorities in order. I'm sure you could do better elsewhere. Best of luck to you.0
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This seems to be a very conditional love. Bordering on emotional abuse. You need some help - go see a counsellor - you have not yet gone past the point of no return. You deserve better than this, l am truly concerned for you in this relationship.0
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A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
This.
What if you get to an ideal weight and then gain weight after the marriage? If he can't commit to you as you are now, what if you get even heavier? What if you become heavier than your heaviest? Is he going to stay with you?
Why marry a man who'll constantly have you thinking this? That leads down the road of emotional turmoil.
Whether he's "concerned for your health" or whether he really is a shallow *kitten*, someone who truly loves you will love you no matter what you look like.
Find someone who cares about you, not your weight.
ETA: Just read your second post and I need to bring this up.
You're going in to health care? And he expects you to be able to have kids, take care of them, have a career and get back to your "hot" weight post-stat?
Forget the fact that this is difficult regardless of your field- lets talk about health care for a minute. I have many friends in various roles within the health care field. Everything from admin assistants to nurses to doctors, and ALL of them have VERY stressful lives (though that's not saying they're not happy with their careers- they're some of the most satisfied people I know in terms of their job satisfaction. It's saying that it's a demanding field to be in, regardless of the role). While some of them do keep health and fitness in their lives, they are often derailed by the many, many, MANY stresses which come their way. Anything from demanding situations with patients to just being exhausted after their day. And the ones doing the best are the ones without kids or with kids grown up enough to take care of themselves. Never the new moms.
So really. Thank him for everything he's done for you so far, ditch him to the curb and focus on yourself for awhile. If he hates his job he can use it as an excuse to work on his own career again.
For the school costs- get some loans if you need to- it's a much smaller headache than dedicating that many more years of your life to someone who doesn't love you unconditionally.
And there truly is such a thing as unconditional love- the kind that makes you want to have someone BE your family. Regardless of what they look like.
Good luck with this situation, I really hope you reach a better place.0 -
I've been in that position. When I lost weight be couldn't deal with that either. Became very possessive and mentally abusive. Huge red flag. You're 86kg not 186kg! Hardly very over weight! X0
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You deserve better, you don't have to settle for anything less. You have already given him 4 years you can't get back, time to cut the cord and move on, there is someone out there who will love you regardless of your size.0
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It all boils down to this...even if you lose the weight...are you willing to spend the rest of your life worrying that if you gain weight, he will return to his previous state of not accepting and loving you for who you are...and leave you? Or not leave you and just make you feel like a fat miserable failure?
If he's not attracted enough to you because of your weight (or even if he's attracted enough to you in private, but wants to show off a hot woman as a status symbol)...it sucks, but that's his preference. I prefer men at least 6 ft tall, at least 200 lbs...that's my preference. Yes, I actually have declined dates with men who seem perfectly nice, and are otherwise attractive, because of their (lack of) size. I feel most comfortable/comforted with a large man. On occasion, I've attempted to not let this seemingly shallow preference have an impact on my choices...but every time I compromise in that area, I find myself unable to get completely passed it. I want more. I want what I want, and that's ok.
He wants what he wants, and that's ok...but it's not you. And you, especially as a woman who has always struggled with your weight... you don't want a man who is going to constantly judge your weight and make that a condition of your relationship.0 -
Sorry you are feeling like this, I know how hurtful and confusing this can be. I think this is a pretty deep topic with so many different angles. I am currently speaking with a counselor regarding a similar situation in my own life. My first reaction is always "shallow!", however that is not always the case. I have been able to understand my husbands feelings better (not as evil as I had thought). Everyone's situation is a bit different. Maybe a counselor can help you sort this out, with or without him
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"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
Dump him! A man who says stuff like what yours is saying has an endless supply of excuses... Cut your losses and dump him! Good luck!0 -
I assume he has a perfect body then??0
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I am going to say, this
The Weight is not the reason he does not want to marry you.
sorry, but my guess is theres another reason or maybe several,
but its not "JUST" the weight,
After 9 years together , and 4 years STEADY together -
then the weight is not the reason,
but what it is is a soft spot,
a tender area he knows he can pinch
for maximum effect,
and in the mean time he will not have pressure from you to get engaged/married,
and he still has a convienent relationship
and no even if you hit your weight goal , then it will be something else,
please believe 100 people on MFP in this one case.
its not the weight , its the person saying the comments.
think long and hard, you do not have to air it out here
but i know there are other things in your SO that arent quite 100%.0 -
Advance Harshness Warning: You are you. You will still be you 50lbs heavier or lighter. This is emotionally abusive talk and he's a total d*ck.
Do better elsewhere, if you lose the weight (though if your pic is current, what weight to lose?) you will be too blonde to get married, or too tall or too something else.
^^^ This!0 -
You'll hear exactly what you want to hear here, OP. He's a jerk, doesn't deserve you, he's "mentally abusive," etc. He may be, or not. We weren't there. He may be concerned about you. Good people also say hurtful things to the ones they love on occasion. I guess if you're looking for internet relationships and not a real relationship, all of this will matter to you. If, on the other hand, you have a relationship with this person and you care about each other, I strongly suggest that you speak to him about your feelings. He cannot read your mind. To that I will add, like it or not, physical attraction matters. It's not always nice to hear, but it's there, and it's real, and it both negatively and positively affects many relationships. I hope you can work it out.0
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It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.0 -
You need to lose weight for YOU and only you. He should accept you for who you are, not reject you because of your weight. While I think it's fine for someone to want their long term partner to lose weight/not gain weight for the sake of their health, it shouldn't be a condition on which a marriage proposal/acceptance is based. It should not be a reason for divorce either. There are ways to encourage your partner to get/stay healthy that don't involve emotional blackmail.
That said, as someone earlier in the thread mentioned, this could be just an excuse and there are deeper issues here, i.e. he's not ready to settle down or simply doesn't want to marry you and so he's focused on your weight as the reason but really there are other reasons too. So even if you lose the weight, he'll probably find some other excuse, because he's simply not into the idea of marrying you, for whatever reason that's probably got more to do with him than you.
Either way, marrying him would be a bad idea. Lose the weight for you and find someone who truly loves you.0 -
I agree with all the advice to move on. If you stay with this person, there will always be that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that he's thinking you're not good enough. Why live your life feeling like this? Nobody has the right to make you feel lousy about yourself.....it is all within your power, respect yourself enough to impact your life positively for YOU!0
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Without hearing the whole conversation and being involved can't say if he's a jerk or not. There are always three sides to every story. Posting about it here doesn't help your relationship. If you are both adults sit down have a discussion and decide what you want.
If I posted every time my husband made a perceived hurtful comment I could write a new thread weekly maybe daily... but that might be because my husband is very blunt which is one of the qualities I love about him but also one that drives me insane. I know if he says I look like crap in something, it's the truth and I go change. I could get upset and come on here and write a thread saying how mean it was that he said I looked like crap.. but what does that solve?
If you aren't happy in your current relationship make a decision. Maybe he doesn't want to get married at all? But the only way to solve any problem is to talk about it and than decide what's best for you. Good luck0 -
My initial thoughts were this...
You don't want to get married at this weight either...you would prefer the "perfect" wedding as well...great pics...the dress of your dreams etc.
Lots of women drive themselves nuts trying to get tiny for their wedding, do it...get the pics then gain the weight back.
Now he could be concerned...we don't know...ask him. Or tell him that's not good enough and he needs to pee or get off the pot because you are worth it.
I can only relay my own story tho...I was 28lbs heavier when I met my husband...he didn't care...we got married the next year..(less than one year after we met) and in the next year I put on another 25lbs...he didn't care...since then I have lost it all plus some...I am 28lbs lighter than when we met...he doesn't care. He loves me for who I am not what I look like and always has and it didn't take him 4 years to figure that out...
He was who I am, what I stand for, my outlook on life and grabbed me up before anyone else did...
After 4 years...regardless of what he just said..why hasn't your man done the same? It wouldn't be the latest comments that made me go ...hmmm it would be the last 4 years...0 -
we don't have children and I asked him "what's going to happen when we have kids". his reply was "don't be ridiculous, that is a natural part of life but then you would go back to your normal weight.
This is a blatant lie. No,no matter what lies you've heard, your body will NEVER be the same, and if he can't handle a few extra pounds, how will he handle stretch marks, saggy boobs, belly roll, bags under your eyes, or god forbid, a csection scar?
I'm not saying everyone's body is totally wrecked after having a baby, but just can guarantee you that I'd feel much worse about myself if my husband didn't think I was more beautiful while pg, and doesn't care one bit if I have stretch marks or not!0 -
Think ahead....look at the people in your life who have had long enduring marriages to help you imagine. Life happens. People grow older. Sometimes they get sick. What would happen if you were diagnosed with breast cancer and needed to have a double mastectomy? Would you want someone beside you who loves YOU, the person you are on the inside of whatever body is hauling you through life, the person that loves you no matter what....or someone who loves a young ideal image of "you"?0
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It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?
I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)0 -
I really enjoyed reading everyone's responses, and I'll add my 2 cents in--
I'm not going to say that he does or doesn't love you, because there's no way someone on the internet reading a description of your relationship can really tell you that. You know whether he truly loves you or not, so stick with your instincts. And only you know whether or not you feel his comments come from genuine concern about your health, his desire for a 'trophy wife' or any combination of the two.
I would like to propose this question to you, though: Are you willing to spend your life under this kind of stress day in and day out? You can easily get to your goal and make both of you happy in the process. But are you willing to commit to a lifetime of the stress of maintaining it?
There's a big difference in being healthy & happy and making sure you fit into a certain size of clothing because that's when your partner most easily accepts you. Only you can decide if you're willing to make that kind of commitment. He can be genuinely concerned for your health, but by putting an actual quantifiable measurement on it, you will spend your life trying to make sure you fit into that space.0 -
It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?
I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)
Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?0 -
I'm the first to recommend talking about things, but with that said, if things went down the way OP describes it, there are certain lines you just don't cross. Putting ultimatums like her guy has done, bargaining about health, voicing conditions like that is just wrong.It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?
I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)
Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?
As has been said by others, we do not know the whole story, but what we clearly hear is how OP feels. That in itself is a truth that should not be ignored. And if her potential husband truly thinks the way he seems to be thinking, can anything change it? If he doesn't have understanding for his own mother and her situation even, then how could he ever change from black-white to greyscale, let alone all the rainbow colours? Certain things adults say and do are "absolute" in my opinion.
Would you - general you - want your daughter or sister to consider marrying someone, who puts ultimatums on things (in quite the self-centered way I might add)? That's the way he will bring up his offspring, too. Love is one thing, but there is so much more to sharing the everyday life with a partner.
There's fun, laughter and tears, but also lots of practical matters. Is it realistic to expect to stay healthy, fresh and "young" for the rest of one's life? I don't think so. What's stopping an appearance-focussed person to trade out someone to a fresher version later in life? I'm an optimist, but life has taught me to remember the realism, as well. In the end nobody but OP can answer whether this guy is a good investment or not.0 -
Thank you everyone for your input. I've found it too embarrassing to talk to my friends about this touchy subject and some anonymous unbiased perspectives have helped open my eyes to a few questions and answers my heart and head were ignoring.0
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Best of luck!Thank you everyone for your input. I've found it too embarrassing to talk to my friends about this touchy subject and some anonymous unbiased perspectives have helped open my eyes to a few questions and answers my heart and head were ignoring.0 -
I'm not going to tell you to dump the jerk. I will tell you that you deserve better, and if this is an indication of what he's like before you get married, it's not going to change after you get married. What if you "relapse" and gain weight? What happens then?
If he really loves you, he loves all of you, no matter what your size. It's as if he's saying he loves you for the person you can be, but won't marry you until you're there? That doesn't make any sense to me.
I remember when my husband and I first met. The couple whose wedding we met at - the husband had an opportunity to go to work in Europe for a few years, and would likely be making 6 figures when he returned - just like others who had done the same thing, and they'd be able to go back to the city we lived in at the time. She said "No." She didn't want to go because her family was there, and her grandparents were getting up in years, etc. etc. etc. I laughingly told him, "I'll pack my bags and meet you at the airport!!"
My husband and I talked about that specific situation. He said if it had been him, and I didn't want to go, he said he'd tell me, "I'll call you when I get back." Because opportunities don't come up like that every day. I laughed at him and said, "Puh-HUH....I'd say, "Let's go to the courthouse and get married now....I'm going with you!!"
I know every situation is different because there's always different people involved with different experiences. Best thing you can do is have an honest open conversation with him, and let him know that that's an issue: that you'd have to lose weight before getting married. How does he think that makes you feel? That's a pretty big dig to you. What if there were something about him that you felt that way about? What would he do? It may even be something to go to couples counseling.
Get this done before you get married. Marriage is a pretty big step and it's a huge investment to both of you and shouldn't be taken lightly. You both will need to determine if this sort of thing is a deal-breaker or not.0 -
I'm the first to recommend talking about things, but with that said, if things went down the way OP describes it, there are certain lines you just don't cross. Putting ultimatums like her guy has done, bargaining about health, voicing conditions like that is just wrong.It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.
^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.
I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?
I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)
Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?
As has been said by others, we do not know the whole story, but what we clearly hear is how OP feels. That in itself is a truth that should not be ignored. And if her potential husband truly thinks the way he seems to be thinking, can anything change it? If he doesn't have understanding for his own mother and her situation even, then how could he ever change from black-white to greyscale, let alone all the rainbow colours? Certain things adults say and do are "absolute" in my opinion.
Would you - general you - want your daughter or sister to consider marrying someone, who puts ultimatums on things (in quite the self-centered way I might add)? That's the way he will bring up his offspring, too. Love is one thing, but there is so much more to sharing the everyday life with a partner.
There's fun, laughter and tears, but also lots of practical matters. Is it realistic to expect to stay healthy, fresh and "young" for the rest of one's life? I don't think so. What's stopping an appearance-focussed person to trade out someone to a fresher version later in life? I'm an optimist, but life has taught me to remember the realism, as well. In the end nobody but OP can answer whether this guy is a good investment or not.
He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.0 -
Lots of great replies already, but I just wanted to say I think you are beautiful and very brave to confront this problem. I have been the victim of partners who 'bring you down' so that in the end they feel that they are the one with the power over you in the relationship. It is never about us, it's always about them and their need to keep us down so we stay with them and serve their every need.
Healthy relationships grow together, compromising for each other out of love, not one person working constantly to please the other. He knows how unfair and inappropriate his behaviour towards you is, because he freely admitted that his mother would slap him for it! He carries on because he probably thinks you will just take it lying down. Obviously you won't, you deserve someone who thinks you are the bees knees and loves you for who you are, and is a part of your 'team', who will encourage you not bring you down. Just because he has made sacrifices to help you get where you are does not mean he has the 'right' to demand anything of you, that's not how love works. It isn't currency.
You said that you have heard some answers that your head and heart had been ignoring, and I guess this means you are realising you have been affected by his behaviour more than you had been telling yourself. If you want to be free from this relationship, I don't think anyone would blame you, and if you get fit do it for yourself and no one else.
Please feel free to add me as a friend if you would like support. Best of luck and I really hope you find happiness! xx0
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