Help! hurtful comment from partner

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Replies

  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    First and foremost, there is no such thing as unconditional love in relationships.
    Yes, there is. You see the other person as they are, faults and all, and they see you the same way, but you still love and support each other regardless. That does not mean you are each other's ideal, it means you accept each other for who you are as the years go by, through good times and bad times, etc., etc. I feel sorry for anybody in a committed relationship that has to worry if their SO will still "love" them if they do or do not do x, y or z, that is not love, that is control.

    Conditions: You go in to a realtionship with a child, you say to the other person, " I love you, but I have a child and if you want me in your life, you have to accept my child."

    You are in a realtionship and the other individual decides for some reason or another to quit their job, no longer contributes. But loves you more than ever. Do you stay?

    There are more that I could post, but in reality, there are conditions in life. I love my husband wholeheartedly and he feels the same in return, but even I know that if one would gain weight and shoot up to well over 400 lbs. become lazy and start taking advantage. Love or not, the other deserves better.


    SO I am going to guess that you two would not let that happen. How about before marriage when the GF lets herself go and the guy is still going hard at the gym to maintaining or hitting goals? Should the guy leave?
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
    First and foremost, there is no such thing as unconditional love in relationships.
    Yes, there is. You see the other person as they are, faults and all, and they see you the same way, but you still love and support each other regardless. That does not mean you are each other's ideal, it means you accept each other for who you are as the years go by, through good times and bad times, etc., etc. I feel sorry for anybody in a committed relationship that has to worry if their SO will still "love" them if they do or do not do x, y or z, that is not love, that is control.

    Conditions: You go in to a realtionship with a child, you say to the other person, " I love you, but I have a child and if you want me in your life, you have to accept my child."


    You are in a realtionship and the other individual decides for some reason or another to quit their job, no longer contributes. But loves you more than ever. Do you stay?

    There are more that I could post, but in reality, there are conditions in life. I love my husband wholeheartedly and he feels the same in return, but even I know that if one would gain weight and shoot up to well over 400 lbs. become lazy and start taking advantage. Love or not, the other deserves better.


    SO I am going to guess that you two would not let that happen. How about before marriage when the GF lets herself go and the guy is still going hard at the gym to maintaining or hitting goals? Should the guy leave?

    Well fortunately, before marriage, if that happens, it may in certian situations make it easier to end what could have potenially been a future divorce. I am just being realistic. I was married one time before for 17 years and loved my ex husband with all of my heart. I still "have love" for him. But, things changed, life happened and realization set in. I could not give "unconditional love." I expected certain things....keep a job, honor your vows...so forth and so on. All conditions in my marriage.

    Realistically, people are human, they change. Although they may love you and are in love with you. We all expect things from the other.

    To answer the question about the GF letting herself go and the BF maintaining himself. If she has willy nilly let herself go, became "lazy" than that is something that you have to ask yourself. " Yes, I love her, but if I am giving my all in this realtionship, and she is not, do I continue to invest my time." In that case, I would have a heart to heart talk and see where it led to.
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    I don't see how a man telling his girlfriend that he'd like her to lose weight is a sign he doesn't love her anymore. It may be hurtful, but it's not abusive or a sign that he's a terrible person. Which always seems to be the default reaction around here.

    I, too, don't think unconditional love exists in romantic relationships. If your partner were to murder someone, or be into child porn or actively practice infidelity, I'm pretty sure your love for him/her would change. It doesn't mean that "I won't love you if you gain weight". It means that you have limits - which everyone does. They just differ from person to person/relationship to relationship.
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
    I don't see how a man telling his girlfriend that he'd like her to lose weight is a sign he doesn't love her anymore. It may be hurtful, but it's not abusive or a sign that he's a terrible person. Which always seems to be the default reaction around here.

    I, too, don't think unconditional love exists in romantic relationships. If your partner were to murder someone, or be into child porn or actively practice infidelity, I'm pretty sure your love for him/her would change. It doesn't mean that "I won't love you if you gain weight". It means that you have limits - which everyone does. They just differ from person to person/relationship to relationship.

    Very good examples!!
  • I don't see how a man telling his girlfriend that he'd like her to lose weight is a sign he doesn't love her anymore. It may be hurtful, but it's not abusive or a sign that he's a terrible person. Which always seems to be the default reaction around here.

    I, too, don't think unconditional love exists in romantic relationships. If your partner were to murder someone, or be into child porn or actively practice infidelity, I'm pretty sure your love for him/her would change. It doesn't mean that "I won't love you if you gain weight". It means that you have limits - which everyone does. They just differ from person to person/relationship to relationship.

    Did you really just draw a comparison between a child porn habit and an overeating habit? What in the living ****?
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    I don't see how a man telling his girlfriend that he'd like her to lose weight is a sign he doesn't love her anymore. It may be hurtful, but it's not abusive or a sign that he's a terrible person. Which always seems to be the default reaction around here.

    I, too, don't think unconditional love exists in romantic relationships. If your partner were to murder someone, or be into child porn or actively practice infidelity, I'm pretty sure your love for him/her would change. It doesn't mean that "I won't love you if you gain weight". It means that you have limits - which everyone does. They just differ from person to person/relationship to relationship.

    Did you really just draw a comparison between a child porn habit and an overeating habit? What in the living ****?

    Edit.

    Did you even read the thread and the replies leading up to mine? Or would you just like to infer my intent on your own? Let's catch you up.

    Someone said (a bit off topic) that unconditional love does not exist.

    To that, someone replied: I feel sorry for anybody in a committed relationship that has to worry if their SO will still "love" them if they do or do not do x, y or z, that is not love, that is control.

    Which is such complete crap. So, I responded with what I did.

    My point is: love in not unconditional in a romantic relationship, ever. Some people draw the line at weight/fitness. Some hve median ones, like keeping a job. Others have lines that stretch further (like, kiddie porn). NONE of those limits are wrong. Is my point extreme? Yes - but so is saying that having said limits is not love, but is control. But then I detest sweeping generalizations.
  • FireOpalCO
    FireOpalCO Posts: 641 Member
    Sorry I only made it through five pages of responses, I might have a chance to read the rest in a bit.

    The part that gets me is the your weight is disrespecting him. It has F- all to do with him! Tearing him down in front of other people is disrespecting him. Destroying his property or going through his private email is disrespecting him. Your own bloody body is none of his business. A man who thinks this way sounds like he's very shallow and very caught up in how you appear to other people and how it reflects on him. Now since I can't actually observe you both, does he spend time after social interactions telling you what you said or did that was wrong? Does he warn you about what to do or say when you are hanging out with his friends or coworkers?

    My husband and I had a hard conversation about my weight. But I could tell when we had it that it was hurting him to have it, that he was really worried about my reaction and feelings, and when I cried he wanted to be there to hold me (thought I told him to go away). In no way was our relationship continuing hinging on it. He's also really bloody proud of me working to fix it, not because he's fixated on my size but he's proud seeing me getting active, eating better, and having more confidence/positive vibe.
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member

    The part that gets me is the your weight is disrespecting him. It has F- all to do with him!

    Yeah, this is the worst comment, IMO. He makes it about him, instead of being a genuine health concern.
  • FitWifey79
    FitWifey79 Posts: 17 Member
    Aww, honey.. this is bad news. I understand when you are in the relationship you make excuses for them such as "he's not normally rude.. or he's actually a great guy" etc. However in this case, you need to get out. You should have said "I'm sorry but now that I know how you really feel, I can't marry you because you will never be good enough for me, you are superficial and do not love me unconditionally, as I deseve."

    The thing is, our bodies all change as we get older. Our weights go up and down.. you will get scars, maybe even something tragic (i pray it never happens) that would empair how you look. You will get older, get wrinkles.. etc. There is simply NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT HE SAID TO YOU. NONE. I know it is hard to get out of long term relationships.. but hon.. you've got to. This man is not a man he is a child. You've got your warning signal.. you really ought to get out now.

    There are instances where a spouse will motivate their parter into a healthy lifestyle, if they have fallen into being unhealthy. This is more of my situation. Where I am unhappy, sluggish, don't want to go do things because of it. My husband is being poisitive and going for walks, eating healthy with me, being motivating. THAT is a totally different situation. What your boyfriend is doing, is abusive and you don't need a guy like that in your life. wheather you realize this now or 5 years from now.
  • mshopey
    mshopey Posts: 125 Member
    When I started dating my husband I was a size 12, when we got married I was a size 20. I am now a size 16.
    He has never stopped loving me, and he tells me everyday, and I truly believe he will love me forever, which is why I married him.
    Size means nothing, he should find you beautiful, exciting, thrilling, sexy, cute, funny no matter what size you are.
    Isn't that part of what love and mutual respect is?
  • perseverance14
    perseverance14 Posts: 1,364 Member
    I don't see how a man telling his girlfriend that he'd like her to lose weight is a sign he doesn't love her anymore. It may be hurtful, but it's not abusive or a sign that he's a terrible person. Which always seems to be the default reaction around here.

    I, too, don't think unconditional love exists in romantic relationships. If your partner were to murder someone, or be into child porn or actively practice infidelity, I'm pretty sure your love for him/her would change. It doesn't mean that "I won't love you if you gain weight". It means that you have limits - which everyone does. They just differ from person to person/relationship to relationship.
    If you are talking extremes like that, well, I would still love him if I found out he was an axe murderer, but I wouldn't be able to live with him. If you decide you can't live with somebody because of behaviors that are unacceptable, that doesn't mean you...poof...don't love them anymore. I would love my husband no matter what, and I am reasonably sure he is not a closet axe murderer. :)
  • perseverance14
    perseverance14 Posts: 1,364 Member
    When I started dating my husband I was a size 12, when we got married I was a size 20. I am now a size 16.
    He has never stopped loving me, and he tells me everyday, and I truly believe he will love me forever, which is why I married him.
    Size means nothing, he should find you beautiful, exciting, thrilling, sexy, cute, funny no matter what size you are.
    Isn't that part of what love and mutual respect is?
    And I am going to say it again, I feel sorry for people who don't know what it is like to love/be loved this way. My husband knew I was trying the whole time not to gain weight with my thyroid disease, and he loved me no matter what, but I also never gave up, I kept trying to find solutions to my thyroid problems. Today he told me I am like a completely different person (because of all the weight I lost), I think he thinks he has to work out more now, I was like, you are sexy, don't worry about it....of course, I can't imagine not thinking he was sexy, no matter what. He has always been thin but if he gained a lot of weight, I would still think he was sexy, but I might be worried about his health, just like he worried about mine when I was obese. I remember when I had my gallbladder out and he was holding the bucket while I puked from the pain meds, there is nothing like the real thing.
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    I don't see how a man telling his girlfriend that he'd like her to lose weight is a sign he doesn't love her anymore. It may be hurtful, but it's not abusive or a sign that he's a terrible person. Which always seems to be the default reaction around here.

    I, too, don't think unconditional love exists in romantic relationships. If your partner were to murder someone, or be into child porn or actively practice infidelity, I'm pretty sure your love for him/her would change. It doesn't mean that "I won't love you if you gain weight". It means that you have limits - which everyone does. They just differ from person to person/relationship to relationship.
    If you are talking extremes like that, well, I would still love him if I found out he was an axe murderer, but I wouldn't be able to live with him. If you decide you can't live with somebody because of behaviors that are unacceptable, that doesn't mean you...poof...don't love them anymore. I would love my husband no matter what, and I am reasonably sure he is not a closet axe murderer. :)

    That's why I said your love for them would be changed. It would, most likely, no longer be a romantic love, no? I specified romantic relationships, because that's what I was talking about.

    Anyway, it was a side point that is only vaguely connected to the OP, so it's probably pointless to argue about it :)
  • Quieau
    Quieau Posts: 428 Member
    Unconditional love does indeed exist, and thank God for that. My husband met and fell in love with me at my highest weight (200+ over, and he's a normal weight of 165 at 5'10", so it wasn't because he related to it himself). That was 5 years ago and now that I'm losing weight for health reasons, he's just as loving, just as supportive, just as convincing when he tells me that I'm beautiful at any size and that he's damned lucky to have found me. Every person (man or woman) deserves that. Don't settle for less.

    I was single for many years because I knew that if I waited and looked, I would find a guy who was everything I wanted and for whom I was everything he wanted. It takes patience and faith, but you will find that person if you let go of your fear of being alone and allow the universe to help you. If you are with someone else, that person will not manifest. You need to be on your own to find the one with whom you have that unconditional love.

    Hold out. It's TOTALLY worth the wait! You deserve that kind of love! <3
  • CleanUpWhatIMessedUp
    CleanUpWhatIMessedUp Posts: 206 Member
    This is a tough situation. I know some people are going to tell you to leave him and are going to say the guy is a jerk. I agree that he is a jerk for bringing it up this way, but if your weight is up so high that it's unhealthy for you, then this could just be his way of showing his concern for you. It's tough to bring it up to your partner when they have gotten heavy. Being honest, everyone has a certain body type that they are most attracted to.

    Him saying, I won't marry you if you're fat is probably not a good sign though. I mean, even if you lose weight, there is no guarantee you will keep it off. What if you lose the weight and get married and then you have a baby and gain some of it back for a while, will he just divorce you immediately? Will he cheat on you with a thinner woman? What I am trying to say is, everyone is entitled to feel more attracted to a certain body type and if their partner once was that body type and no longer is, they are entitled to feel upset about that. However, I feel like in this situation he is placing way too much emphasis and importance on your weight. It's not a good sign. Instead of waiting and seeing what he will do where marriage is concerned, I would suggest that you think long and hard about if you really really want to marry someone who is going to place that much emphasis on your weight.
  • akh1981
    akh1981 Posts: 67 Member
    Advance Harshness Warning: You are you. You will still be you 50lbs heavier or lighter. This is emotionally abusive talk and he's a total d*ck.

    Do better elsewhere, if you lose the weight (though if your pic is current, what weight to lose?) you will be too blonde to get married, or too tall or too something else.

    +1

    YOU DESERVE BETTER. No one deserves to be talked to like that.
  • morehealthymatt
    morehealthymatt Posts: 208 Member
    Today it's your weight. What will it be tomorrow? You have to ask yourself if you are willing to be married to someone who will always find fault with you...and act passive aggressively towards you about.
  • perseverance14
    perseverance14 Posts: 1,364 Member
    That's why I said your love for them would be changed. It would, most likely, no longer be a romantic love, no? I specified romantic relationships, because that's what I was talking about.

    Anyway, it was a side point that is only vaguely connected to the OP, so it's probably pointless to argue about it :)
    You don't ...poof... stop romantically loving somebody just because you are not living with/having sex with them. Your kind of love sounds very fickle to me. As for divorcing over weight issues, I totally think that is shallow/fickle if you have not at least tried to work with the person. Sure you can "fall out" of love in situations like that, but I think of that as "people who were not that much in love in the first place". If your love is based on superficial things, it is not the kind of love that endures.

    When you are deeply in love, it is not fickle, and it lasts through good and bad times, and grows stronger as the years pass. I have had a wonderful 22 years with my husband who loves me unconditionally. He loved me through good and bad and I Ioved him the same way, and I love him even more than I did 22 years ago.
  • perseverance14
    perseverance14 Posts: 1,364 Member
    Today it's your weight. What will it be tomorrow? You have to ask yourself if you are willing to be married to someone who will always find fault with you...and act passive aggressively towards you about.
    Exactly, I can remember when I was single one of my favorite sayings was "why wade into the stream when you can dive into the ocean". To quote a great song that is very true, "taller, than the tallest trees, that's how it's got to feel, deeper, than the deep blue seas, that's how deep it goes, if it's real". SO true...shallow love is not better than no love at all.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member

    I recently went back to uni (to better our futures) and he supports me financially and emotionally with that. he works away 2 weeks on 2 weeks off for me to do uni and us to still survive financially. he also put his career aspirations on hold for me to fulfil mine as a health care professional. He mentioned that he has given a lot for me to do this (true) and all he asks is that I take care of myself.

    I'm just quoting this part because in all of the "he's a jerk" comments, this seems to have been completely lost. Every time I read one these relationship threads I'm always left wondering about what people's expectations are. My wife and I have made all sorts of compromises for each other over the years, fought, worried about making each other happy, etc. but in all of it we know that it all comes down to communicating our feelings and working it out. I can't imagine my wife ever posting some thread on the internet asking for advice from strangers before she even bothered to speak to me, and I SAS wouldn't do that to her. If you want a relationship, a real relationship, then you damn well better be prepared to talk to each other about your feelings and problems or you shouldn't bother. And what kind of selfish jerk puts his own career on hold and works like that to put his SO through uni? You think maybe there is a bit more to his personality, her personality, and their relationship than this one conversation?