Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around

amykr93

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


1. Re the wedding date: I got given a list of dates, text them to my partner and said "this one is on a bank holiday" he said okay and we booked it. I had no idea when I booked it what the date was: I was never informed. It was only after I booked it, paid the deposit etc that TWO people complained to us (the dead mother's mum and sister (so step-daughters gran and auntie) the brother and father (uncle and grandad) were okay with it). We asked his daughter if she knew what the date was, or would be upset and she didn't: she only knows it's a sad date because her gran and aunt take her to the grave and cry. She is upset because they are upset, not because she is grieving. If you ask her about these dates, she just shrugs and says that she "can't remember but my gran makes sure I know". She can't remember anything to get sad over.
It wasn't malicious or anything.
It wasn't the day of, but the day before.

2. WE CHANGED THE DATE.

3. We aren't getting married until I am mid-twenties.

4. I would never strike her, or my own child.

5. We aren't married but I refer to her as my step-daughter because I love her and care for her the same as my son, I do not give preferential treatment to one. We do not make the kids call us "mum" or "dad" and never would, but that doesn't mean we don't treat them, or refer to them, as "our kids".

6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

7. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do before I get married. By then I'll have completed and undergrad and postgrad, work with the government (which I do just now) etc. I never had a 'young adult' life: I never went out drinking, never went to clubs or whatever else you do. I stayed home, studied, worked and was a mother and father to my son. I'm not missing out on anything: the only thing I wish to do is travel more, but when my son is 18 I won't even be 40, will be financially stable and can actually enjoy where I go without being skint.

8. The little girl, as she has been referred to throughout, was consulted and asked her opinion on us moving, by her father, before he asked me. It wasn't a surprise and was eased into from one night visits as a family unit, to weekend long, to a week, to a few weeks etc.

9. Her paternal grandparents admitted tonight, that after visiting her maternal grandmother and aunt she acts the same with them. It's got worse since I've moved in, and they know that there have been things said about myself and my relationship with her/her father that has confused her. She won't tell us what has been said outright, but snippets here and there give a good idea: I.e. I will never replace her mum, I am not her mum, they don't like me, she doesn't need to treat me the same.

10. Before my partner had went back to college, and so his time's fitted in with school. He now leave the house at 7.30am and is back for just about dinner time: therefore I am the main caregiver.

11. I don't do anything she doesn't want: I don't go about forcing her to do anything - she asks if we can bake, we bake. She asks if people can come in to play, they come in (if nothing else is going on), she wants to play with her loombands alone, she gets to do that quite the thing and I'll ask every so often if she wants some juice/tell her when it's dinner.

12. I encourage her dad to spend alone time with her, and it happens once a week. Every night she gets an hour with just him, reading stories (when he is away late he takes the book and phones her to read it). They have their time, and I do not infringe on that.
Even something as simple as going shopping, he spends time with her and I spend time with my son.

13. The term 'step daughter/son/mum/dad' isn't used in our house, I thought it would make the thread easier to follow. I am 'mum' to my son and my first name to her, and vice versa with her.

14. Me and her father rarely argue, and if we are annoyed at each other we wait until they're in bed to discuss it.

So I gained a sense of relief, I know why she acts the way she has been with me: she is confused between what is being said and expected of her by one party, as to what actually happens at home. I understand that this is something my partner needs to deal with, and he has assured me he is going to.

greentart

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


1. Re the wedding date: I got given a list of dates, text them to my partner and said "this one is on a bank holiday" he said okay and we booked it. I had no idea when I booked it what the date was: I was never informed. It was only after I booked it, paid the deposit etc that TWO people complained to us (the dead mother's mum and sister (so step-daughters gran and auntie) the brother and father (uncle and grandad) were okay with it). We asked his daughter if she knew what the date was, or would be upset and she didn't: she only knows it's a sad date because her gran and aunt take her to the grave and cry. She is upset because they are upset, not because she is grieving. If you ask her about these dates, she just shrugs and says that she "can't remember but my gran makes sure I know". She can't remember anything to get sad over.
It wasn't malicious or anything.
It wasn't the day of, but the day before.

2. WE CHANGED THE DATE.

3. We aren't getting married until I am mid-twenties.

4. I would never strike her, or my own child.

5. We aren't married but I refer to her as my step-daughter because I love her and care for her the same as my son, I do not give preferential treatment to one. We do not make the kids call us "mum" or "dad" and never would, but that doesn't mean we don't treat them, or refer to them, as "our kids".

6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

7. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do before I get married. By then I'll have completed and undergrad and postgrad, work with the government (which I do just now) etc. I never had a 'young adult' life: I never went out drinking, never went to clubs or whatever else you do. I stayed home, studied, worked and was a mother and father to my son. I'm not missing out on anything: the only thing I wish to do is travel more, but when my son is 18 I won't even be 40, will be financially stable and can actually enjoy where I go without being skint.

8. The little girl, as she has been referred to throughout, was consulted and asked her opinion on us moving, by her father, before he asked me. It wasn't a surprise and was eased into from one night visits as a family unit, to weekend long, to a week, to a few weeks etc.

9. Her paternal grandparents admitted tonight, that after visiting her maternal grandmother and aunt she acts the same with them. It's got worse since I've moved in, and they know that there have been things said about myself and my relationship with her/her father that has confused her. She won't tell us what has been said outright, but snippets here and there give a good idea: I.e. I will never replace her mum, I am not her mum, they don't like me, she doesn't need to treat me the same.

10. Before my partner had went back to college, and so his time's fitted in with school. He now leave the house at 7.30am and is back for just about dinner time: therefore I am the main caregiver.

11. I don't do anything she doesn't want: I don't go about forcing her to do anything - she asks if we can bake, we bake. She asks if people can come in to play, they come in (if nothing else is going on), she wants to play with her loombands alone, she gets to do that quite the thing and I'll ask every so often if she wants some juice/tell her when it's dinner.

12. I encourage her dad to spend alone time with her, and it happens once a week. Every night she gets an hour with just him, reading stories (when he is away late he takes the book and phones her to read it). They have their time, and I do not infringe on that.
Even something as simple as going shopping, he spends time with her and I spend time with my son.

13. The term 'step daughter/son/mum/dad' isn't used in our house, I thought it would make the thread easier to follow. I am 'mum' to my son and my first name to her, and vice versa with her.

14. Me and her father rarely argue, and if we are annoyed at each other we wait until they're in bed to discuss it.

So I gained a sense of relief, I know why she acts the way she has been with me: she is confused between what is being said and expected of her by one party, as to what actually happens at home. I understand that this is something my partner needs to deal with, and he has assured me he is going to.

I know this has been said a million times, but therapy could seriously help this girl. It'll give her someone to talk to, who won't try and force their opinion on her. It'll allow her time and space to form her own opinion, and allow her to develop the ability to stand up for herself and think for herself.

Good luck to all of you, dear.

amykr93

I know this has been said a million times, but therapy could seriously help this girl. It'll give her someone to talk to, who won't try and force their opinion on her. It'll allow her time and space to form her own opinion, and allow her to develop the ability to stand up for herself and think for herself.

Good luck to all of you, dear.

Thank you, and you are quite possibly right.

From what was said by her grandparents tonight it seems like the main catalyst is her mother's sister and mum. When she doesn't see them then she is perfectly fine - however she normally goes at the weekend (they try to insist they have rights to this and told my partner they'd take him to court if he stopped) and then until about Wednesday acts that way with me, come Thursday time everything is settled and then it starts again.

BinaryPulsar

Op, you all need to get therapy. Please do that. That is much more effective than the forums. This is much too big of an issue to be asking on mfp forums.

amykr93

Op, you all need to get therapy. Please do that. That is much more effective than the forums. This is much too big of an issue to be asking on mfp forums.

Sometimes the anonymity gives for good breathing space, and allowed me time to calm down and come back and rationalise everything I thought.

mommyrunning

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

HerkMeOff

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

This.

I honestly don't understand, and shake my head at the attacks on the OP.

F8ck

amykr93

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.

Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?

Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.

BinaryPulsar

Op, you all need to get therapy. Please do that. That is much more effective than the forums. This is much too big of an issue to be asking on mfp forums.

Sometimes the anonymity gives for good breathing space, and allowed me time to calm down and come back and rationalise everything I thought.

A therapist will be much more invested in all of your best interests, will listen, will help you all to find the right tools that you need individually and together as a family. I'm going to be honest, I have not put the time into reading and thinking about all of this. A therapist will. That's their job.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.

Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?

Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.

I find this very hard to understand, honestly.

Wild dogs wouldn't keep me from my husband. Why would you be willing to walk away without at least going to therapy?

TheLostMermaid

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.

Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?

Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.

Make time for just you and her and try to build a relationship with her.

Schedule time to hang out with just her. Ride your bikes, bake, play a game, but do so with just you and her. Build a relationship so the line of communication is open.

amykr93

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.

Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?

Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.

I find this very hard to understand, honestly.

Wild dogs wouldn't keep me from my husband. Why would you be willing to walk away without at least going to therapy?

I didn't say we wouldn't, and if there were underlying issues that could be resolved then I'd work at them. However, if it was a matter of her not liking me, nothing underlying, then I'd rather leave sooner rather than later - yes.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.

Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?

Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.

I find this very hard to understand, honestly.

Wild dogs wouldn't keep me from my husband. Why would you be willing to walk away without at least going to therapy?

I didn't say we wouldn't, and if there were underlying issues that could be resolved then I'd work at them. However, if it was a matter of her not liking me, nothing underlying, then I'd rather leave sooner rather than later - yes.

Surely you met this child before you moved in. If this is just NOW becoming an issue, it's most certainly situational.

You don't see her routine as being changed, yet her routine is completely different. You feel it's "better" now, maybe she doesn't.

amykr93

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.

Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?

Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.

I find this very hard to understand, honestly.

Wild dogs wouldn't keep me from my husband. Why would you be willing to walk away without at least going to therapy?

I didn't say we wouldn't, and if there were underlying issues that could be resolved then I'd work at them. However, if it was a matter of her not liking me, nothing underlying, then I'd rather leave sooner rather than later - yes.

Surely you met this child before you moved in. If this is just NOW becoming an issue, it's most certainly situational.

You don't see her routine as being changed, yet her routine is completely different. You feel it's "better" now, maybe she doesn't.

I did meet her yes, and it has been an issue since almost day 1 of the move. It's not something that only happened over the last few weeks, but at least twice a week for 6 and a half months.

I'm unsure as to whether it's the move, it's myself or it's the influence of other people who are now saying things as the relationship becomes more serious.

She has been asked before if she would prefer to go back to her old routine and go to childminders and her grans after school and then picked up by her dad, like before, and she has said she enjoys coming home because she can do all these other things that she previously couldn't: more so the after school activities and socialising she couldn't do when in the care of others.

EDIT: I never asked her, this was a conversation I told her father to have with her; to find out if she was happy with how everything was, based on her behaviour.
Her answer to almost everything as an "I don't know" and a shrug of the shoulders, bar that question and one's similar.

coboltpunch

Don't fool yourself, you won't really love the girl, and she won't really accept you. You'll tolerate each other until it's time for her to move out, and then she'll move on. Sorry.

jackjb2

Someone call Dr Phil======plzzzzzzzzzz:laugh:

hotsungirl

Read "Stepmonster" by psychologist Wednesday Martin. Best book I read and I read a lot of them, searching for the answers. It isn't you.
Enough said :-)

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:


6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.

It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.

If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.

Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?

Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.

I find this very hard to understand, honestly.

Wild dogs wouldn't keep me from my husband. Why would you be willing to walk away without at least going to therapy?

I didn't say we wouldn't, and if there were underlying issues that could be resolved then I'd work at them. However, if it was a matter of her not liking me, nothing underlying, then I'd rather leave sooner rather than later - yes.

Surely you met this child before you moved in. If this is just NOW becoming an issue, it's most certainly situational.

You don't see her routine as being changed, yet her routine is completely different. You feel it's "better" now, maybe she doesn't.

I did meet her yes, and it has been an issue since almost day 1 of the move. It's not something that only happened over the last few weeks, but at least twice a week for 6 and a half months.

I'm unsure as to whether it's the move, it's myself or it's the influence of other people who are now saying things as the relationship becomes more serious.

She has been asked before if she would prefer to go back to her old routine and go to childminders and her grans after school and then picked up by her dad, like before, and she has said she enjoys coming home because she can do all these other things that she previously couldn't: more so the after school activities and socialising she couldn't do when in the care of others.

EDIT: I never asked her, this was a conversation I told her father to have with her; to find out if she was happy with how everything was, based on her behaviour.
Her answer to almost everything as an "I don't know" and a shrug of the shoulders, bar that question and one's similar.

Honestly, I think she's a normal kid trying to adjust and growing up in the process. Do you remember being about her age? Hormones are a pain.

Unless she's being outright nasty or disrespectful to you or your son, let her be moody brat. Keep communications open with your finance and be polite to her -- but don't try to hard. You don't need her approval. If she needs corrected, let your partner do it. Most likely she doesn't like the situation but cannot articulate why. She likely needs to be talking to a neutral person.

Myhaloslipped

Don't fool yourself, you won't really love the girl, and she won't really accept you. You'll tolerate each other until it's time for her to move out, and then she'll move on. Sorry.

Not necessarily true. I genuinely loved my ex fiancé's daughter, and I still do. She is just an awesome kid, and my fondness for her was not just tolerance because I was dating her dad. Her birth mom is a drug addict, so I was a mother figure to her for years. I still talk to her a few times per week even though we broke up long ago. Of course, these types of relationships don't always go this well, but they can.

amykr93

Honestly, I think she's a normal kid trying to adjust and growing up in the process. Do you remember being about her age? Hormones are a pain.

Unless she's being outright nasty or disrespectful to you or your son, let her be moody brat. Keep communications open with your finance and be polite to her -- but don't try to hard. You don't need her approval. If she needs corrected, let your partner do it. Most likely she doesn't like the situation but cannot articulate why. She likely needs to be talking to a neutral person.

She isn't nasty, but can be disrespectful. For example, I ask if she has homework and she'll say no but when her dad comes home and asks if it's done she'll get it out and do it; or when I remind the kids to put their clothes into the washing baskets when they get changed into their jammies, she'll leave them on the floor until her dad tells her to do it.

Nothing to do with discipline at all, and if anything does happen where she oversteps the mark then my partner will decide on the consequences, not me.