what is it with my wife?!

brettstonerbrettstoner

I think you need to create a chore chart. List out every chore no matter how minute or mundane. Everything from load dishwasher, empty dryer, bath child, set the table, etc. I did ours on an Excel spreadsheet. Then sit down and discuss the division of labor. Who likes to do what chores, how often, rotate, or stay the same, etc.... It has worked great for us. Plus it is kind of motivating to work hard to bust out my chores to get more free time. If one of us is tired or sick sometimes we will do each others chores to help out. Its not perfect but when she see's all "x" in your column she will appreciate the hard work you do. I also recommend taking the child when you get home for work so she has a one hour break free to do anything. You take full responsibility and she gets a break. Sometimes you just got to suck it up and run with it until it gets better. Somedays I try to remember what it was like to watch tv and have free time! LOL

Deena_Bean

I've done both things, worked and stayed home, and here's my take. I stayed home with my twins until they were about 2.5 years old. That was my job. Caring for two babies at one time (not just one), cleaning the house, doing the laundry, cooking the meals - I did basically all of it - including balancing the checkbook, doing the grocery shopping and paying the bills. I often did the yard work as well. Was it easy? Nope. But in my mind it was fair. He went off to work for hours and hours to pay for those groceries and electricity. He would help from time to time, but the bulk of it was on me and I never asked him to do any chores. That's that. With both people working it's a different story. Cleaning the house had to be shuffled around and the fight for balance came from that, but in the time I was home all day I just did it all. And I think that's how it should be. Whether or not my opinion is favored, well I don't mind, but I have been there and I definitely disagree with your wife's mentality. If I could manage 2 infants and keep the house up so can she.

Holly_Roman_Empire

Here's what I already do:
-My 10-12 hour daily job
-All yardwork
-All trash & recycling collecting and removal
-All maintenance of the garage(dunno how, but it seems to get messy all the time)
-Always keep the kitchen clean

I clean up after myself. She does not. She leaves food out and all over the place, all the time.

What she is not asking me to do in addition to what I currently do:

-Vacuum(She doesnt even like how I vacuum so not sure why, but whatever)
-Dust
-Clean bathrooms

I don't even know what stuff is left other than "General Tidying Up"? and looking after the dogs.

Regarding my daughter:

-I give her bath time on all nights she needs it.
-We share story time every night, 1 reads 2 books, the other reads 1, and that switches each night
-My wife puts the baby to sleep after bath/story time.

After the baby is asleep we stay up for a few hours, so she can pump(breast milk) and while she is doing that, that's my "free time" to clean the kitchen and get some soapy water ready to wash her pump stuff.

I hope that clears things up a bit for you.

You actually do a lot of what my husband does, except when it comes to the kids. I do everything for the baby, including feed, bathe, and put to bed. I don't think it's too much to ask her to do that, unless you like spending that time with the kid.

I have only ever been a stay at home mom when I was on maternity leave, and I get both sides of this. Part of me wonders if you know what she does every day while you're at work. My husband certainly didn't know until he had to stay at home with her once when she and I both were sick.

You have to talk to your wife. I don't know how to go about that diplomatically, though. That seems to be one of my faults.

Guns_N_Buns

I feel like I stepped back in time to the 1950's :noway:

No, in the 1950's, women didn't have the audacity to ask their husband's to clean the house. As they shouldn't since they didn't have to deal with corporate America, just a few dishes and dusting.

candlegal

John you sound like a very fair minded guy and good husband, I mean that. I have been married for 32yrs to my awesome husband! Here's what has worked at our house. I have two grown boys. When my second son was born it wasn't cost effective for me to go back to work out side the house and pay daycare for 2 kids. Hence I stayed home. The last thing I wanted to do to make money was daycare! Guess what I have been doing for over 20yrs? You guessed it- Daycare, still doing it. My boys are 25yrs and 21yrs! 25yr old lives in LA. and is an accountant and he knows how to keep a clean apartment too, 21yr old is in college.
So I took care of minimum 4 daycare kids my own kids and cleaned our house, did laundry, do most of the cooking- hubby mostly did dishes,clean up after supper. I have Hypothyroidism so for a time before meds I would get really tired and not have a lot of energy. I'm a pretty mellow person anyway not a real go getter if ya know what I mean. I did the grocery shopping- hubby would often go with and help. He would help with cleaning if we were having people over on the weekends because I would get real obsessed with how the house looked, wanted it extra clean etc. That would drive him nuts- his mom was not much of a house keeper.
Bottom line, I think she could and should do more around the house. I'm with you too, a house cleaner that we have to pay is not and never will be an option! Now that the kids are gone hubby does help with cleaning floors etc. on the weekends. But he works 3 jobs so I don't expect him to do that. My daycare kids nap from 1:30 to 3:30 or 4pm and I certainly can do house chores or whatever during that time that are quiet. If you're like me, if the house is a mess it makes you crazy and I can't relax when things are a mess so maybe share those feelings with her. But you should for sure talk about this whole thing and get it all out there. Talk about expectations and how you can both be happy with everything. Your good habits will be your childrens good habits. They learn by example. The thing is if you keep up with stuff it won't get out of hand. You can teach very little children to pick up and put things away and they think it is fun when they are little so teach her at about 1.5 to pick up toys and put them where they belong. Kids love having little jobs to do and it will help Mom! Good luck John- don't give up. Make a plan!

Iwishyouwell

How do I ask my wife to do more housework while she is at home? ...no it's not sexist, I'll give you some backup as to what I am talking about.

She always nags me to do housework when I come home from working 10-12 hour days, complains if I don't get X number of chores done before we go to bed, etc.

The fact that you can't just go up to your stay-at-home wife and ask her to pick up the slack, without argument, is a symptom of a much deeper problem. It's a simple request that should be met with a simple solution.

"She always nags". Why are you in a relationship with someone who even feels comfortable nagging you? That doesn't make any sense. Is that the kind of relationship that you feel comfortable in? If not, why have you and your wife allowed this kind of behavior to persist?

Any suggestions?

Get the the root of your issues. Seek a counselor if need be.

bcoop911

Sweetie, I'm going to be cutting back on my work hours so I can catch up on the housework. I know you're busy and all darling. Unfortunately to accommodate our new, spiffy clean lifestyle I'll be disconnecting the cable, the cellphones, canceling the health club memberships and limiting the grocery items to generic only. Also, no more take-out or dinners out. It's a good thing! You'll lose the baby weight! Oh and the cars. We'll only have one now. I'll be taking it to work. Don't worry. I'll only be working 30 hours a week! You'll have plenty of time to use it when you need to go to the Laundromat. Yes. The washing machine and dryer won't be fitting into our new budget. I listed them up for sale on Craig's list. Sorry honey.

This^^

TheRoadDog

Cut her off from the sex until she realizes her place.

randomtai

I feel like I stepped back in time to the 1950's :noway:

No, in the 1950's, women didn't have the audacity to ask their husband's to clean the house. As they shouldn't since they didn't have to deal with corporate America, just a few dishes and dusting.

Shouldn't you be in the kitchen? :laugh:

_lyndseybrooke_

Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later

That's not an affordable option right now, otherwise we would have done that already...but thank you for the tip.

It's cheaper than a divorce my friend

If a couple is going to split up over chores, then the divorce is worth it.

likitisplit

Our kids are babies. My husband and I fought about who wasn't pulling their weight until I decided to just assume that we were both doing everything we can. And hired a maid service to come in twice a month. Now my husband argues about whether we need the service, but at least our house is cleanish sometimes.

earthsember

So you want her to work during her 3-4 hours of free time, but you are complaining because she asks you to help out during your free time? Maybe y'all should talk about it, nicely and calmly, and decide on a compromise that you both are happy with...

or the housekeeper idea.

Originally before our baby when she was working part time, we had a deal that she would do all the housework except cleaning the kitchen and I would take care of that.

Now that she is not working away from home at all, she wants me(who has taken on extra work hours to survive on a single income) to do more than just clean the kitchen, which I still do daily...

She asks me not to help out, but to do it instead of her...helping is one thing, being a slave entirely different...she also gets all day with our daughter, I get less than 2 hours per day.

Just adding perspective.

I have a close friend that had a similar situation, he was not happy that during the few hours that the baby was sleeping, his wife was not getting the ton of housework done.

Until his wife pointed out that he has what she termed "head space" during the commute, 2 15 minute breaks at work, plus a lunch hour. She didn't have any of that to zone out, socialize, or just "be" and during the baby's nap time she was chatting on the phone with her mother, catching up on email, or just drawing a little because she was devoting the rest of the day to the baby and trying to get a few things done around the house as well.
Loss of time to just "be" is like a small loss of self, and it isn't as trivial as it sounds. Help her out, it won't be forever.

madhatter2013

I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:

She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job).

To elaborate: I get that raising kids is hard while trying to make sure they don't suffocate on a bouncy ball and keep the dog from sharting on your couch all while trying to feed said animals (kids included) and go pee at the same time.

However, I think that that sacrifice includes house keeping, as well. I was a nanny through college and I did it. It's not fair to tell the sole bread winner to clean the house that you've been at all day -- it's the job you chose so you can raise your own kid. That's my opinion.

This. My husband is the stay at home parent because I have the highest income potential. We are both going to school full time for our Masters degrees and he eliminates the need to pay for daycare. He also cooks and cleans while I'm at work. I cook dinner when I get home because I choose to and I clean up the messes I make after work. You should not have to spend the two hours your get after work doing more work and not spending time with your daughter. A paranoid person might say she's trying to get you to spend as little time with your child as possible to prepare for a custody battle.

Guns_N_Buns

I feel like I stepped back in time to the 1950's :noway:

No, in the 1950's, women didn't have the audacity to ask their husband's to clean the house. As they shouldn't since they didn't have to deal with corporate America, just a few dishes and dusting.

Shouldn't you be in the kitchen? :laugh:

kgeyser

Here's what I already do:
-My 10-12 hour daily job
-All yardwork
-All trash & recycling collecting and removal
-All maintenance of the garage(dunno how, but it seems to get messy all the time)
-Always keep the kitchen clean

I clean up after myself. She does not. She leaves food out and all over the place, all the time.

What she is not asking me to do in addition to what I currently do:

-Vacuum(She doesnt even like how I vacuum so not sure why, but whatever)
-Dust
-Clean bathrooms

I don't even know what stuff is left other than "General Tidying Up"? and looking after the dogs.

Regarding my daughter:

-I give her bath time on all nights she needs it.
-We share story time every night, 1 reads 2 books, the other reads 1, and that switches each night
-My wife puts the baby to sleep after bath/story time.

After the baby is asleep we stay up for a few hours, so she can pump(breast milk) and while she is doing that, that's my "free time" to clean the kitchen and get some soapy water ready to wash her pump stuff.

I hope that clears things up a bit for you.

I think you need to talk to her and ask her what is going on. I am wondering if she is feeling overwhelmed and depressed, and has been letting things go at home in an attempt to keep up with other tasks and retain a bit of sanity. The issue that I face as a SAHM is that everything takes 25x longer with kids than it does alone. I don't attempt to really clean bathrooms unless my husband is home or my kids surprise me by actually sleeping. Otherwise they are in there with me, trying to get the cleaning products, trying to get into the toilet, trying to grab the toilet brush, there are fumes from the cleansers - it just doesn't work. Vacuuming is easy on a cleared floor, but I rarely have one of those. The kids try to grab the vacuum or start yanking on the cord. Dusting is that thing I would have no problem doing if it weren't for stuff on practically every surface and having to stop every 45 seconds because a fight has broken out over dusters. Even though they both have their own duster to use, somehow the other one having a duster is offensive, or one dusted where the other one wanted to dust, or someone wants both of them so they can perform a cheerleading routine or practice signal flags. If I had a whole day to myself I could get this whole place in order, but as it is, I work on cleaning one area and by the time I'm finished there's a disaster somewhere else. I'm happy to get a few regular chores done each day and one extra project done a week.

She might just need some help figuring out how to get things on track, and maybe breaking things down into manageable chores and both of you sharing them for a bit might help her get it together. For example, you don't clean the entire bathroom, but on nights where your daughter is getting a bath, you clean the toilet if needed, or wipe down the counter/sink, or do a quick dry mop of the floor with a tissue/paper towel to get up hair/debris. None of those tasks take more than 3 min max, and I'll do that stuff when my kids are in the bath over the course of the week. It means the bathroom is rarely clean in its entirety, but it makes it so much easier on days when I do have a chance to do a good cleaning.

Ely82010

Okay, I'll probably get some feedback on this but I say, she's a stay at home mom. That's her job. Take care of the kids and clean. I'm not saying she should do ALL of the housework. You live there too so you should contribute. But I think she needs to do the majority since she stays home. Just my opinion. I've always worked outside of the home so maybe I haven't walked in her shoes.

I agree with this post and I walked the OP's wife shoes.

My husband helped around the house with food shopping and the kids, but when I was home I took care of all the cleaning. Unless it a big necessity I don't see the reason for him to came home to clean when the woman is at home all day. Help, yes but do all the cleaning, I don’t think so.

Let's reverse the roles: what would happen if the husband was a stay home father and complained because his wife didn't clean the house after coming home from a 12 hour work?

darrensurrey

Have you considered getting her a tennis coach?

Yes, I know. It's not relevant, but anything else is likely to have you waking up one morning with your balls cut off. :bigsmile:

Cut her off from the sex until she realizes her place.

:laugh:

cheripugh1

LOL, sorry, had to type the subject in mockery of that one girl's "problem".

But seriously... Curious for opinions, probably gonna get some trolls, but here's my dilemma.

How do I ask my wife to do more housework while she is at home? ...no it's not sexist, I'll give you some backup as to what I am talking about.

She always nags me to do housework when I come home from working 10-12 hour days, complains if I don't get X number of chores done before we go to bed, etc.

She is a stay at home mom. Not that she doesn't do anything, because she definitely does a lot with out 11 month old daughter, but our daughter also naps right after lunch until around 4-4:30pm every day. She's got 4 hours where she can basically do light chores and stuff without causing a ruckus.

So how do I approach her without getting into a stupid argument, about her picking up some slack around the house? I leave for work at 6am, get home around 6:30pm, my daughter starts bath/bed time at 8...I don't get much time to spend with her.

Any suggestions?

If you have a church make an appt. for you to meet with the pastor... if not sit down with her and tell her flat out you can't do all of this, so although you love her staying home with the daughter, she is either going to have to do more work around the house or get a job outside the house. There is no excuse, none for the parent that stays home not to be able to handle the majority of the household chores, let me repeat that... NO EXCUSE! this is the same if it's the mom or the dad. If you both stay home or you both work full time, then you both divide the housework but when one stays home they need to do their part of supporting the family and that is household chores. Children do NOT take all your time, and yes if all else fails you always have those hours of naptime to do it in. A clean house does not take that much time to keep clean! She is not doing this right nor fairly and if you don't stop her now you will not have a good life ever and in the end it is hurting her and your daughter!