what is it with my wife?!
Replies
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Our kids are babies. My husband and I fought about who wasn't pulling their weight until I decided to just assume that we were both doing everything we can. And hired a maid service to come in twice a month. Now my husband argues about whether we need the service, but at least our house is cleanish sometimes.0
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So you want her to work during her 3-4 hours of free time, but you are complaining because she asks you to help out during your free time? Maybe y'all should talk about it, nicely and calmly, and decide on a compromise that you both are happy with...
or the housekeeper idea.
Originally before our baby when she was working part time, we had a deal that she would do all the housework except cleaning the kitchen and I would take care of that.
Now that she is not working away from home at all, she wants me(who has taken on extra work hours to survive on a single income) to do more than just clean the kitchen, which I still do daily...
She asks me not to help out, but to do it instead of her...helping is one thing, being a slave entirely different...she also gets all day with our daughter, I get less than 2 hours per day.
Just adding perspective.
I have a close friend that had a similar situation, he was not happy that during the few hours that the baby was sleeping, his wife was not getting the ton of housework done.
Until his wife pointed out that he has what she termed "head space" during the commute, 2 15 minute breaks at work, plus a lunch hour. She didn't have any of that to zone out, socialize, or just "be" and during the baby's nap time she was chatting on the phone with her mother, catching up on email, or just drawing a little because she was devoting the rest of the day to the baby and trying to get a few things done around the house as well.
Loss of time to just "be" is like a small loss of self, and it isn't as trivial as it sounds. Help her out, it won't be forever.0 -
I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:
She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job).
To elaborate: I get that raising kids is hard while trying to make sure they don't suffocate on a bouncy ball and keep the dog from sharting on your couch all while trying to feed said animals (kids included) and go pee at the same time.
However, I think that that sacrifice includes house keeping, as well. I was a nanny through college and I did it. It's not fair to tell the sole bread winner to clean the house that you've been at all day -- it's the job you chose so you can raise your own kid. That's my opinion.
This. My husband is the stay at home parent because I have the highest income potential. We are both going to school full time for our Masters degrees and he eliminates the need to pay for daycare. He also cooks and cleans while I'm at work. I cook dinner when I get home because I choose to and I clean up the messes I make after work. You should not have to spend the two hours your get after work doing more work and not spending time with your daughter. A paranoid person might say she's trying to get you to spend as little time with your child as possible to prepare for a custody battle.0 -
I feel like I stepped back in time to the 1950's :noway:
No, in the 1950's, women didn't have the audacity to ask their husband's to clean the house. As they shouldn't since they didn't have to deal with corporate America, just a few dishes and dusting.
Shouldn't you be in the kitchen? :laugh:
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Here's what I already do:
-My 10-12 hour daily job
-All yardwork
-All trash & recycling collecting and removal
-All maintenance of the garage(dunno how, but it seems to get messy all the time)
-Always keep the kitchen clean
I clean up after myself. She does not. She leaves food out and all over the place, all the time.
What she is not asking me to do in addition to what I currently do:
-Vacuum(She doesnt even like how I vacuum so not sure why, but whatever)
-Dust
-Clean bathrooms
I don't even know what stuff is left other than "General Tidying Up"? and looking after the dogs.
Regarding my daughter:
-I give her bath time on all nights she needs it.
-We share story time every night, 1 reads 2 books, the other reads 1, and that switches each night
-My wife puts the baby to sleep after bath/story time.
After the baby is asleep we stay up for a few hours, so she can pump(breast milk) and while she is doing that, that's my "free time" to clean the kitchen and get some soapy water ready to wash her pump stuff.
I hope that clears things up a bit for you.
I think you need to talk to her and ask her what is going on. I am wondering if she is feeling overwhelmed and depressed, and has been letting things go at home in an attempt to keep up with other tasks and retain a bit of sanity. The issue that I face as a SAHM is that everything takes 25x longer with kids than it does alone. I don't attempt to really clean bathrooms unless my husband is home or my kids surprise me by actually sleeping. Otherwise they are in there with me, trying to get the cleaning products, trying to get into the toilet, trying to grab the toilet brush, there are fumes from the cleansers - it just doesn't work. Vacuuming is easy on a cleared floor, but I rarely have one of those. The kids try to grab the vacuum or start yanking on the cord. Dusting is that thing I would have no problem doing if it weren't for stuff on practically every surface and having to stop every 45 seconds because a fight has broken out over dusters. Even though they both have their own duster to use, somehow the other one having a duster is offensive, or one dusted where the other one wanted to dust, or someone wants both of them so they can perform a cheerleading routine or practice signal flags. If I had a whole day to myself I could get this whole place in order, but as it is, I work on cleaning one area and by the time I'm finished there's a disaster somewhere else. I'm happy to get a few regular chores done each day and one extra project done a week.
She might just need some help figuring out how to get things on track, and maybe breaking things down into manageable chores and both of you sharing them for a bit might help her get it together. For example, you don't clean the entire bathroom, but on nights where your daughter is getting a bath, you clean the toilet if needed, or wipe down the counter/sink, or do a quick dry mop of the floor with a tissue/paper towel to get up hair/debris. None of those tasks take more than 3 min max, and I'll do that stuff when my kids are in the bath over the course of the week. It means the bathroom is rarely clean in its entirety, but it makes it so much easier on days when I do have a chance to do a good cleaning.0 -
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Okay, I'll probably get some feedback on this but I say, she's a stay at home mom. That's her job. Take care of the kids and clean. I'm not saying she should do ALL of the housework. You live there too so you should contribute. But I think she needs to do the majority since she stays home. Just my opinion. I've always worked outside of the home so maybe I haven't walked in her shoes.
I agree with this post and I walked the OP's wife shoes.
My husband helped around the house with food shopping and the kids, but when I was home I took care of all the cleaning. Unless it a big necessity I don't see the reason for him to came home to clean when the woman is at home all day. Help, yes but do all the cleaning, I don’t think so.
Let's reverse the roles: what would happen if the husband was a stay home father and complained because his wife didn't clean the house after coming home from a 12 hour work?0 -
Have you considered getting her a tennis coach?
Yes, I know. It's not relevant, but anything else is likely to have you waking up one morning with your balls cut off. :bigsmile:Cut her off from the sex until she realizes her place.
:laugh:0 -
LOL, sorry, had to type the subject in mockery of that one girl's "problem".
But seriously... Curious for opinions, probably gonna get some trolls, but here's my dilemma.
How do I ask my wife to do more housework while she is at home? ...no it's not sexist, I'll give you some backup as to what I am talking about.
She always nags me to do housework when I come home from working 10-12 hour days, complains if I don't get X number of chores done before we go to bed, etc.
She is a stay at home mom. Not that she doesn't do anything, because she definitely does a lot with out 11 month old daughter, but our daughter also naps right after lunch until around 4-4:30pm every day. She's got 4 hours where she can basically do light chores and stuff without causing a ruckus.
So how do I approach her without getting into a stupid argument, about her picking up some slack around the house? I leave for work at 6am, get home around 6:30pm, my daughter starts bath/bed time at 8...I don't get much time to spend with her.
Any suggestions?
If you have a church make an appt. for you to meet with the pastor... if not sit down with her and tell her flat out you can't do all of this, so although you love her staying home with the daughter, she is either going to have to do more work around the house or get a job outside the house. There is no excuse, none for the parent that stays home not to be able to handle the majority of the household chores, let me repeat that... NO EXCUSE! this is the same if it's the mom or the dad. If you both stay home or you both work full time, then you both divide the housework but when one stays home they need to do their part of supporting the family and that is household chores. Children do NOT take all your time, and yes if all else fails you always have those hours of naptime to do it in. A clean house does not take that much time to keep clean! She is not doing this right nor fairly and if you don't stop her now you will not have a good life ever and in the end it is hurting her and your daughter!0 -
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Tell her to do it or you'll take away all luxury.
Money, credit cards, CELL PHONE.
She has one job.
She can do it.
If not, don't reward bad behavior.
If she's going to act like a child, treat her like a child.0 -
I recommend trying a chore list that's agreed on ahead of time. My husband and I both work, no kids, so we don't have the same challenges as you, although we do have 2 dogs who shed a LOT. I recommend coming up with a list of all of the chores and their required frequency. Maybe if you lower the frequency of some of the tasks, you could come to a compromise. We typically do the leftover tasks on Friday after work before going out (so that the house is clean for guests on the weekend) and Sunday afternoon. All residual chores get done. Yard work can be one that can wait for the weekend. So can vacuuming.
Before the "chore day" discussions happen, you need to figure out who does what. If you don't think she is fair to ask for you to vacuum on top of what you're already doing, offer to trade tasks with her, such as trash collection and yard work.
It's also time to talk about who is making the messes and mitigating the original mess. Dust will always happen. Plates left on the kitchen table don't have to. You can create less work for both of you by adding tasks such as "Everyone is responsible for bringing all plates, glasses, and drinks to the space next to the kitchen sink before bed." It sounds like you resent some of the mess that she makes during the day. Instead of trying to up her chores and potentially starting a fight, talk about trading chores and increasing personal responsibility.0 -
Bribe her.0
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Cut her off from the sex until she realizes her place.
Hmmm, that could come back to bite him in the *kitten*.0 -
Have you stayed home alone with the baby all day by yourself? Ya. It sucks.
And I don't know about her, but I am not a stay at home mom. The idea seems nice but as a teacher, i get summers off and they SUCK. I don't know how people do it. It's depressing for me. Maybe your wife is just very unhappy and doesn't want to say it because raising children is supposed to be this blissful thing.
Does she get time with adults? Friends? Do you guys go on dates?
Talk to her. Just don't try to schedule her days or make a chart for chores. Omg. Don't do that.0 -
Also...
You can take the wifi router to work in your car with her car keys so she doesn't get distracted by the internet all day.
She'll be so bored the house will be spotless and you can give back her luxuries!
But set that precedent!
She's setting a precedent right now, so you're going to have to show her it is not OK or it's not going to change.0 -
Tell her to do it or you'll take away all luxury.
Money, credit cards, CELL PHONE.
She has one job.
She can do it.
If not, don't reward bad behavior.
If she's going to act like a child, treat her like a child.
[sarcasm] Because that's certainly a reasonable way to behave with another adult person you claim to love. [/sarcasm]0 -
Sweetie, I'm going to be cutting back on my work hours so I can catch up on the housework. I know you're busy and all darling. Unfortunately to accommodate our new, spiffy clean lifestyle I'll be disconnecting the cable, the cellphones, canceling the health club memberships and limiting the grocery items to generic only. Also, no more take-out or dinners out. It's a good thing! You'll lose the baby weight! Oh and the cars. We'll only have one now. I'll be taking it to work. Don't worry. I'll only be working 30 hours a week! You'll have plenty of time to use it when you need to go to the Laundromat. Yes. The washing machine and dryer won't be fitting into our new budget. I listed them up for sale on Craig's list. Sorry honey.
I love this one!
I'm a stay at home mom that also has a home daycare so I have anywhere from 4 to 6 kids every day. I manage to keep house in between taking care of all of them.. One 11 month old? Bah, she could easily keep up with the house, too and should in my opinion.0 -
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Wow, a topic like this brings out all kinds, doesn't it?
There is, of course, the possibility that she is just lazy or milking the "mommy card" as some women surely will.
There is also the (more likely) possibility that she is the first time mom of a crawling mess creator and at the end of her frustrating and hard working days, her husband comes home and sighs with dissatisfaction because his wife, who doesn't produce any income, didn't do as much as he thinks she should have.
Two things:
1. It is a lie that she produces no income. In my pre-child job I brought in about 40k a year. After careful and honest calculations, we discovered that sending me to work produced almost no net value for our family. Between child care, work clothes, gas, parking, lunch downtown, take out dinners because I work too late to cook, and paying a premium for most other purchases because there is barely time to shop- let alone comparison shop. In the end we realized that we were paying a huge price to keep me "working". So at the very least, be realistic about the value that she provides at home.
2. Do you have any idea, because you provided no details, what it looks like to be an inexperienced mother to a baby? For one thing, her body spent nine months being robbed of nutrients and energy to create this little girl you love. Experts have recently determined that it takes more than a year for a woman's body to fully recover from pregnancy and childbirth. And that is if she doesnt breastfeed. Breastfeeding trouble opens up a level of stress and exhaustion that cant ever be understood by anyone else. After she was completely depleted physically, she came home with a small creature that requires almost 24/7 attention for the first six months. She wakes up every two hours and stays awake for at least 30 minutes each time. Your wife is NEVER able to enter a productive sleep cycle because it is being interrupted. She likely hasnt slept well in a year and is living on such a sleep deficit that she could be declared dangerous to herself. I seriously hope that she is napping when your daughter does because she simply won't make it otherwise. The amount of extra laundry, trash, and dishes that are created by feeding and changing and bathing a baby is extraordinary. Not to mention that once they start crawling you can't let them out of your sight. They can destroy an entire room in five minutes and injure themselves in even less. Trying to fold laundry with an eleven month old is like trying to organize papers on a desk with a fan blowing on it. Adding to all of this is an inevitable level of "mommy guilt" about the fact that she just can't manage to pull it all together and please the judgmental people that act like she "doesn't work" and want to know why the house isn't sparkling and there isn't a pot roast on the table since she was just sitting at home all day. If you come home in the evening and the house isn't falling down and the baby is fed and clean and in one piece and your wife can manage to keep her eyes open long enough to put a frozen pizza in the oven, consider yourself a lucky man and try to understand what it took out of her that day to make it happen. Instead of spending your time complaining to strangers and seeking sympathy for how overworked you are and that your wife doesn't pull her weight since that kid came along, try spending the time supporting your wife emotionally. The first two years of parenting is a crazy team effort. Nobody should ever be "off" for more than a few hours and the expectation of a clean house is ludicrous. You have two options: Come home from work and make your wife feel guilty for not meeting your expectations while doing chores until you are resentful and your marriage fails. Or, come home from work and genuinely care for your wife. Forget about the house being totally clean, and just be glad you get out of the house for 8 hours a day.0 -
Hire a stripper (female of course) to come clean your house. Make sure she does it while you are there and sit back and watch. Your wife may decide to clean the house for you.0
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So you want her to work during her 3-4 hours of free time, but you are complaining because she asks you to help out during your free time? Maybe y'all should talk about it, nicely and calmly, and decide on a compromise that you both are happy with...
or the housekeeper idea.
Originally before our baby when she was working part time, we had a deal that she would do all the housework except cleaning the kitchen and I would take care of that.
Now that she is not working away from home at all, she wants me(who has taken on extra work hours to survive on a single income) to do more than just clean the kitchen, which I still do daily...
She asks me not to help out, but to do it instead of her...helping is one thing, being a slave entirely different...she also gets all day with our daughter, I get less than 2 hours per day.
Just adding perspective.
I have a close friend that had a similar situation, he was not happy that during the few hours that the baby was sleeping, his wife was not getting the ton of housework done.
Until his wife pointed out that he has what she termed "head space" during the commute, 2 15 minute breaks at work, plus a lunch hour. She didn't have any of that to zone out, socialize, or just "be" and during the baby's nap time she was chatting on the phone with her mother, catching up on email, or just drawing a little because she was devoting the rest of the day to the baby and trying to get a few things done around the house as well.
Loss of time to just "be" is like a small loss of self, and it isn't as trivial as it sounds. Help her out, it won't be forever.
Why can't she have her "head space" when he gets home and WANTS to play with the baby instead of doing her chores?
I know, we are only getting one side of the story here, but he is working and making the money, she should be doing the house work. And maybe this means that things aren't perfect for awhile (just wait, the kid is only 11 months..... )0 -
Also...
You can take the wifi router to work in your car with her car keys so she doesn't get distracted by the internet all day.
She'll be so bored the house will be spotless and you can give back her luxuries!
But set that precedent!
She's setting a precedent right now, so you're going to have to show her it is not OK or it's not going to change.
I honestly cannot believe this.0 -
When my kids were still small and I was still a SAHM I spent most of naptime catching up on sleep and not cleaning (my kids were up once every two hours for three years). When I DID have time to get the housework done it was very helpful to me to know what hubby's priorities were. In our case, he'd happily ignore a giant pile of laundry (that my mobile kids would just unfold before I'd made a dent anyway) but he'd get really stressed out if there were dishes in the kitchen sink when he arrived home. So I started with his biggest pet peeves and would work down the list until life interrupted. Maybe you could let her know what your biggest prioirities are so that she'll know where to begin. Likewise she could do the same for you. Sometimes it's easy to look at a mess and feel so overwhelmed you don't even know where to start, but if she had a list of "bathrooms, then mopping, then laundry, THEN trash" or whatever that might help a little?
I like this answer. The priority list.
Also, maybe her love language is not the same as yours. Take the quiz and find out. I seriously believe this could be some of what's happening.
And even if she seems happy while you're home she may be depressed while you are away and you don't see how that's affecting her other than non-motivation to do anything other than care for your daughter. Don't discount it.0 -
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Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later
That's not an affordable option right now, otherwise we would have done that already...but thank you for the tip.
It's cheaper than a divorce my friend
If a couple is going to split up over chores, then the divorce is worth it.
Death by 1000 cuts. Divorce wouldn't be about the chores, but the resentment behind it. People divorce for many reasons. Sex and money being the biggest "reasons" but I'd say it's the frustration and resentment behind those issues.0 -
Wow, a topic like this brings out all kinds, doesn't it?
There is, of course, the possibility that she is just lazy or milking the "mommy card" as some women surely will.
There is also the (more likely) possibility that she is the first time mom of a crawling mess creator and at the end of her frustrating and hard working days, her husband comes home and sighs with dissatisfaction because his wife, who doesn't produce any income, didn't do as much as he thinks she should have.
Two things:
1. It is a lie that she produces no income. In my pre-child job I brought in about 40k a year. After careful and honest calculations, we discovered that sending me to work produced almost no net value for our family. Between child care, work clothes, gas, parking, lunch downtown, take out dinners because I work too late to cook, and paying a premium for most other purchases because there is barely time to shop- let alone comparison shop. In the end we realized that we were paying a huge price to keep me "working". So at the very least, be realistic about the value that she provides at home.
2. Do you have any idea, because you provided no details, what it looks like to be an inexperienced mother to a baby? For one thing, her body spent nine months being robbed of nutrients and energy to create this little girl you love. Experts have recently determined that it takes more than a year for a woman's body to fully recover from pregnancy and childbirth. And that is if she doesnt breastfeed. Breastfeeding trouble opens up a level of stress and exhaustion that cant ever be understood by anyone else. After she was completely depleted physically, she came home with a small creature that requires almost 24/7 attention for the first six months. She wakes up every two hours and stays awake for at least 30 minutes each time. Your wife is NEVER able to enter a productive sleep cycle because it is being interrupted. She likely hasnt slept well in a year and is living on such a sleep deficit that she could be declared dangerous to herself. I seriously hope that she is napping when your daughter does because she simply won't make it otherwise. The amount of extra laundry, trash, and dishes that are created by feeding and changing and bathing a baby is extraordinary. Not to mention that once they start crawling you can't let them out of your sight. They can destroy an entire room in five minutes and injure themselves in even less. Trying to fold laundry with an eleven month old is like trying to organize papers on a desk with a fan blowing on it. Adding to all of this is an inevitable level of "mommy guilt" about the fact that she just can't manage to pull it all together and please the judgmental people that act like she "doesn't work" and want to know why the house isn't sparkling and there isn't a pot roast on the table since she was just sitting at home all day. If you come home in the evening and the house isn't falling down and the baby is fed and clean and in one piece and your wife can manage to keep her eyes open long enough to put a frozen pizza in the oven, consider yourself a lucky man and try to understand what it took out of her that day to make it happen. Instead of spending your time complaining to strangers and seeking sympathy for how overworked you are and that your wife doesn't pull her weight since that kid came along, try spending the time supporting your wife emotionally. The first two years of parenting is a crazy team effort. Nobody should ever be "off" for more than a few hours and the expectation of a clean house is ludicrous. You have two options: Come home from work and make your wife feel guilty for not meeting your expectations while doing chores until you are resentful and your marriage fails. Or, come home from work and genuinely care for your wife. Forget about the house being totally clean, and just be glad you get out of the house for 8 hours a day.
I'm sorry, did you say something? I think I dozed off.0 -
I have to be blunt here. Being a stay at home mom is her job. Being a homemaker means you make the home what it is. It means not only do you take care of the children, you clean the house, do the laundry, go to the grocery, do the cooking, and make your home comfortable for the person who provides the income. You don't get to complain about how they don't clean enough or do enough. They are earning the money that allows you to do your job in comfort. I have been a homemaker for many years, and disabled for about half of them, I would never expect my husband to come home and clean the house or make his own dinner. He does however do the handyman jobs around the house, mostly because he likes to do them. If she doesn't like her job, maybe she should get a job to pay for someone to do it for her.0
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Hmmm, how about you guys come up with a list of chores for BOTH of you? Like splitting the ugly chore (bathroom, mopping) one time her and one time you, and then letting her have the quiet chores (dusting, folding baby clothes - you know there are like a million baby clothes - and food shopping) and you can do the noisy chores (vacuuming, loading laundry and dryer, etc.) when you get home.
It's a tough call but definitely doable.
Oh, I forgot the garbage too.0 -
Also...
You can take the wifi router to work in your car with her car keys so she doesn't get distracted by the internet all day.
She'll be so bored the house will be spotless and you can give back her luxuries!
But set that precedent!
She's setting a precedent right now, so you're going to have to show her it is not OK or it's not going to change.
I honestly cannot believe this.
Right? Wtf. This is a grown woman. If my husband wanted to treat me like a child, he'd have papers served. I'd say the wife is depressed...but according to these people, screw her! Just punish her. Yea, that will not work.0
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