what is it with my wife?!

AllOutof_Bubblegum

This thread makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my husband. My husband and I both work, but I have nothing but respect for the sheer and overwhelming workload that a SAHM takes on. I could never do it.

In addition to a workday that never ends and no time to yourself, you have to put up with the fact that your husband now feels you are no longer on equal footing and deserving of equal respect because you don't draw a paycheck. When I was on maternity leave (both times) I got to shower maybe every 3rd day. You can't imagine how involved and exhausting it is to care for a baby.

And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.

I suggest tightening the budget and figuring out a way to get a housekeeper once a week to do the "chores" you feel aren't your responsibility. Your posts reek of entitlement.

And your post reeks of "poor little housewife" mentality.

I am a SAHM, and a full-time student. I also have a 30+ hr/wk job, and am training for a fitness competition. Guess what? I still clean the house, because I spend more time in the home than my husband does. He also makes more money, so it falls to me to pick up slack wherever possible. It's part of the job of being a SAHM. Husband does his job (bring home bacon and the occasional household chore), I do mine (keep the house presentable). OP is well within his rights to want his wife to do her dang job.

_KitKat_

This thread makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my husband. My husband and I both work, but I have nothing but respect for the sheer and overwhelming workload that a SAHM takes on. I could never do it.

In addition to a workday that never ends and no time to yourself, you have to put up with the fact that your husband now feels you are no longer on equal footing and deserving of equal respect because you don't draw a paycheck. When I was on maternity leave (both times) I got to shower maybe every 3rd day. You can't imagine how involved and exhausting it is to care for a baby.

And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.

I suggest tightening the budget and figuring out a way to get a housekeeper once a week to do the "chores" you feel aren't your responsibility. Your posts reek of entitlement.

The bolded text above us disgusting, if you really feel that is how a MAN feels....something is very wrong. My husband has never once stated, implied or made me feel he is above me in anyway. If anything he found my value increased, because my staying at home relieved some of his work load and he knew his daughters were well taken care of. In an adult marriage, you are partners....people speaking of allowances, privileges or allowing in regards to their partner are in reality speaking about someone they find less then themselves. In no way has the OP stated anything to imply he thinks less of his wife. She is 24, and has some going up to do. She needs to do her share.OP cleaning is NOT the only issue, your wife should want to hear about your day and know what's going on with financial concerns. You are not her daddy, you are her husband, partner and father to her child and she needs to learn to play those roles for you (well in feminine form). Work together but let her know she needs to figure out a way to get her share done, and nagging you is not the solution.

jtrack3d

My advice is to explain it logically. Sadly, some people aren't logical.

#1. You will win no argument over who's job is harder.
#2. You SHOULD get traction on the argument that YOU get no baby time.
#3. You SHOULD get traction on how much "FREE" time you each get.
#4 . You SHOULD get traction on how much of your time should be devoted to chores.

So let's take it from a logic perspective and just assume that both of your days at work are equal. This predicates that having the child is considered work (even if that isn't 100% so).

You each only have 4-5 hours left in the day. Of that time the child must be contended until bed time.

If you each take 1 hour for exercise while the other watches the child, you now only have 2 hours left in the day.

If the child STILL has to be watched, you each get 1 hour to do chores while the other watches the child.
If the child doesn't have to be watched, you each get 1 hour free time and 1 hour for chores.

So you can do NO more than 1 to 2 hours of chores, and 1 to 2 hours watching child.

Finally, you ask... which chore shall I do in my hour and which will you do?

ninerbuff

What are your designated chores? If you're not doing them, then you're not keeping up your end. If she has chores she's agreed to do and not keeping up with them, you have a legit reason to bring it up.
If all else fails, hire a house cleaner.
Personally I'm thinking that both of you just need alone time with each other. I've seen that lack of affection and time from SO, makes petty things become full out arguments.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

JonnyMacAwesome

I have listed my chores throughout this thread - I keep up with them daily.

Not all of them are "my" chores, but ones I do anyway because they need doing.

I would love to have more quality time to spend with my wife.

Guns_N_Buns

Going back to the initial question: What is it with my wife?

Your wife is lazy. There I said it. LAZY.

Your wife is acting entitled and self-centered.

Your wife probably didn't have the proper upbringing/teachings of what it means to be a woman. Our homes are our castles, whether we're single or married. You keep them clean and you KNOW how to do it and adapt ways to do it well and quicker. Those basics should already be laid out way before you get married. Therefore, once you're married, cleaning isn't even a topic of discussion, it's just your job as a woman (not necessarily just a wife.)

Your wife is young. See above. She probably didn't realize what it took to be a GOOD wife before getting pregnant and then having to rush to be a mother, as well. Now, because of outside influence, she is using that as a scape goat for why she "needs help". She's playing a victim and I think it's childish and pathetic.

The fact that she asked you to clean the kitchen is enraging to me. I actually get mad when people (especially a bf) tries cleaning or helping me...that's MY JOB. We're all tired and need breaks from our jobs, but HER LACK OF WORK doesn't constitute your OBLIGATION TO DO MORE WORK.

lisalsd1

I haven't read all of the responses, but I'll throw in my 2 cents. I'm a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids.

Are the chores that she isn't doing really THAT important? Are the kids fed/alive? Are you fed? Does everyone have clean clothes? If so, she's doing pretty well.

If you have 1 or 2 specific things that aren't getting done that you would like to see done before you get home...then maybe say, "hey, could you see if you have time to get this done today? If not, it's no big deal."

My youngest is 3...and my house is FINALLY clean on a fairly consistent basis.

That_Girl

Nothing needs to be done daily. Maybe trash and diaper take out, but that's it.

She should be doing more. You get an hour lunch, she should too. The other nap hours should be household work.

healingnurtrer

Hey I wanted to add some perspective from similar situation/background. Also have 1 young child, I've been a SAHM since he was born, my husband works and I want him to help w/ household work. Just want to give you a sampling of things I've thought since becoming a SAHM.

-I have felt guilty before for not doing more housework and for asking my husband to help when he's worked all week.
-I've also thought why do I have to do all the menial work? I definitely felt resentful at that moment.
-I remember one time thinking he just married me to have a maid! (very irrational... caring for a newborn can do that to you)

I've gone back and forth feeling either resentful or guilty or like things are working out well. It's kind of tricky to find a balance. Especially when before the baby we both worked full-time and equally split up household work.

I like how you've responded that you guys are equal partners and don't want to approach this by treating her like a child as some have suggested.

You said something about her not using baby's nap time to clean and that she is pumping. My experience- the first 13 months I pumped as well. (baby couldn't latch- did the whole lactation consult thing, etc.) Pumping was so isolating and depressing. I used baby's nap time to sleep and binge. (Why I need to lose weight now.) I was very much in "survival mode" not in "improve myself" mode like I am now. Honestly, I could have done things better and differently but... I'm not a perfect and neither is your wife. People will be able to give different amounts of themselves at different times in their life. I don't know if that makes sense but if you think about who's giving what in a relationship.... for ex: right now it might be 50/50 but right after our son was born it might have been more like 30/70. I was giving less. I had less to give.

This has been a really thought-provoking thread for me to read. I feel like my husband could have written it a year ago. I'm sure he felt similar things. Happy to report we pulled through that time. It's nice to think about what your spouse is going through and care about their best interests. I'm not saying I'm "on her side" or "your side" but I can see her point of view. Hope you can communicate your feelings wilt her and work it out.

Junken__Diraffe

When I was a stay at home mom, I was miserable. I love my kiddos more than anything in the world. But I was depressed. I had no social circle. I didn't know one single stay at home mom. It seemed any I met out with my kids already had an established circle and weren't terribly welcoming.

So what did I do? Stay home and clean my house? Nope. I got out of the house as often as possible. Took my kids places and did things. When I was home, the depression was worse. I could NOT force myself to do the things I needed to do.

My husband was gone from roughly 6 am to 10 pm most days of the week. He didn't work that entire time, though. I hated that I was left alone, without any adult interaction all the time. I began to resent that he had friends and a social life and a job and I wasn't allowed any of those things.

I think your situation sounds different than that, BUT, just because your wife enjoys being with your daughter, don't assume she's not depressed. I would tell anyone who asked what a blessing it was to be able to stay home with my kids. Because that's what you're supposed to say...

Good luck.

Flab2Fab27

She may be feeling frustrated with you as well. We only got to hear one side of the story so everything is pretty biased. This may sound "out there" especially considering you're the one that's upset..

But, try saying "thank you" to her... buy her some flowers, take her out, make her feel appreciated. You may be surprised at how the mood shifts between the two of you. I'm sure she doesn't feel sexy cleaning diapers and scrubbing toilets day in/day out and may be just getting burnt out from things and feeling just as resentful.

After you've made sure to make her feel good and she's in good spirits, bring up the chore thing again while everybody is on a positive note. Listen to how she feels as well and try to come up with a compromise.



And if all of the above fails, give her a good smack... :laugh:

That_Girl

Going back to the initial question: What is it with my wife?

Your wife is lazy. There I said it. LAZY.

Your wife is acting entitled and self-centered.

Your wife probably didn't have the proper upbringing/teachings of what it means to be a woman. Our homes are our castles, whether we're single or married. You keep them clean and you KNOW how to do it and adapt ways to do it well and quicker. Those basics should already be laid out way before you get married. Therefore, once you're married, cleaning isn't even a topic of discussion, it's just your job as a woman (not necessarily just a wife.)

Your wife is young. See above. She probably didn't realize what it took to be a GOOD wife before getting pregnant and then having to rush to be a mother, as well. Now, because of outside influence, she is using that as a scape goat for why she "needs help". She's playing a victim and I think it's childish and pathetic.

The fact that she asked you to clean the kitchen is enraging to me. I actually get mad when people (especially a bf) tries cleaning or helping me...that's MY JOB. We're all tired and need breaks from our jobs, but HER LACK OF WORK doesn't constitute your OBLIGATION TO DO MORE WORK.

"What it means to be a woman"? lolll I think that is "what it means to be HUMAN". Even animals don't sleep where they poop unless they are sick.

His wife is lazy, yes, but it's not because she doesn't know how to be a woman. It's because she doesn't understand the role she signed up for. She's 24. I don't know many people under 30 these days who understand how a marriage really works.

MzChristyLove

we're talking about a 11 month old. Tell your wife to put the baby in a walker, TURN THE TELEVISION OFF, put the radio on and start from one room to the next. First of all, an 11 month old can't possibly be making that much of a mess up. If the chores are that much...then who's the one getting the house dirty? cant be you because you're at work. I don't understand. It sounds like your wife is bored and just wants to pick a fight. :noway:

TheVirgoddess

I have listed my chores throughout this thread - I keep up with them daily.

Not all of them are "my" chores, but ones I do anyway because they need doing.

I would love to have more quality time to spend with my wife.

I think he means you should make a list and split them up - instead of just doing what needs to be done. Maybe if she see on paper what you actually do, she'll come around.

I think making sure she has down time is important, and so is alone time for the two of you.

I have a schedule and having one makes it so that I spend about 30 minutes a day cleaning up. Example:

Mon, vacuum, laundry, sweep.
Tues, kitchen, dining, sweep
Wed, bedroom, laundry, sweep
Thur, vacuum, bathrooms, sweep
Fri, living rooms, sweep

On the weekends, we clean together (or deep scrub) as needed - I always do another vacuum (two dogs, two kids) and finish up any laundry. And every night before bed, I do a sweep of the living rooms/hallways/etc to make sure there's nothing laying around and my husband cleans up the kitchen after dinner.

Again, good luck

That_Girl

She may be feeling frustrated with you as well. We only got to hear one side of the story so everything is pretty biased. This may sound "out there" especially considering you're the one that's upset..

But, try saying "thank you" to her... buy her some flowers, take her out, make her feel appreciated. You may be surprised at how the mood shifts between the two of you. I'm sure she doesn't feel sexy cleaning diapers and scrubbing toilets day in/day out and may be just getting burnt out from things and feeling just as resentful.

After you've made sure to make her feel good and she's in good spirits, bring up the chore thing again while everybody is on a positive note. Listen to how she feels as well and try to come up with a compromise.



And if all of the above fails, give her a good smack... :laugh:

I don't think hitting his wife would help. O.o

JonnyMacAwesome

Nothing needs to be done daily. Maybe trash and diaper take out, but that's it.

She should be doing more. You get an hour lunch, she should too. The other nap hours should be household work.

A: We use cloth diapers, they only get the crap(literally) sprayed out of them...and I do that when I get home...

I don't get an hour for lunch, I often have mandatory meetings or other work engagements. I get 5 minutes of peace eating at my desk while I do additional work.

That_Girl

Nothing needs to be done daily. Maybe trash and diaper take out, but that's it.

She should be doing more. You get an hour lunch, she should too. The other nap hours should be household work.

A: We use cloth diapers, they only get the crap(literally) sprayed out of them...and I do that when I get home...

I don't get an hour for lunch, I often have mandatory meetings or other work engagements. I get 5 minutes of peace eating at my desk while I do additional work.

Ah. got it. She doesn't rinse out the diapers?! Ya'll got the toilet sprayer, right? And the bucket of ammonia? Dang. She really is not pulling her weight.

Have you talked to her before? If so, what did she say?

And if your job has mandatory meetings during lunch, that's a labor law infraction. Ya.

JamieJam1102

Going back to the initial question: What is it with my wife?

Your wife is lazy. There I said it. LAZY.

Your wife is acting entitled and self-centered.

Your wife probably didn't have the proper upbringing/teachings of what it means to be a woman. Our homes are our castles, whether we're single or married. You keep them clean and you KNOW how to do it and adapt ways to do it well and quicker. Those basics should already be laid out way before you get married. Therefore, once you're married, cleaning isn't even a topic of discussion, it's just your job as a woman (not necessarily just a wife.)

Your wife is young. See above. She probably didn't realize what it took to be a GOOD wife before getting pregnant and then having to rush to be a mother, as well. Now, because of outside influence, she is using that as a scape goat for why she "needs help". She's playing a victim and I think it's childish and pathetic.

The fact that she asked you to clean the kitchen is enraging to me. I actually get mad when people (especially a bf) tries cleaning or helping me...that's MY JOB. We're all tired and need breaks from our jobs, but HER LACK OF WORK doesn't constitute your OBLIGATION TO DO MORE WORK.

lisalsd1

I have listed my chores throughout this thread - I keep up with them daily.

Not all of them are "my" chores, but ones I do anyway because they need doing.

I would love to have more quality time to spend with my wife.

Why don't you just say this. I would probably leave out the middle line, but if you made the point that if she could get a couple of extra things done during the day...then you would both have more "adult time" (and read that how ever you want) in the evenings.

Archon2

I find this thread very interesting in that the responses from females is all over the place, some even completely siding with the OPs POV. So much for stereotypes!!