what is it with my wife?!
Replies
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Nothing needs to be done daily. Maybe trash and diaper take out, but that's it.
She should be doing more. You get an hour lunch, she should too. The other nap hours should be household work.
A: We use cloth diapers, they only get the crap(literally) sprayed out of them...and I do that when I get home...
I don't get an hour for lunch, I often have mandatory meetings or other work engagements. I get 5 minutes of peace eating at my desk while I do additional work.
Ah... okay... I change my recommendations.
Get off of your ecological high horse, and buy disposable diapers!
Or... since little bit is 11 months old... start potty training ASAP! She is old enough.
Wow. No. Potty training at 11 months is a no. And disposable diapers have too many chemicals for many people. They gave my daughter chemical burns on her labia. It was horrible. Plus, it's cheaper. Them using cloth diapers isn't the problem. My friend had 4 in diapers and they were all cloth and it worked. His wife just doesn't want to do anything.
I've read that children are not biologically ready until 18 months at the earliest to potty train.
My oldest started potty training at a year old and was completely potty trained BY 18 months.
My youngest started potty training at 2 years and still wasn't completely potty trained until 4 years.
But whatever... two half grown daughters taught me absolutely nothing about parenting. Really! I have no idea what I'm talking about. *roll eyes as bowing out of stupid thread*
If it took your youngest TWO YEARS to potty train, you were pushing it on her way too young.
It's a long story... but I didn't start her potty training. Again, she didn't start UNTIL 2 years...
yes, didn't start utnil 2, but wasn't done until 4... that, my dear, equals 2 years
did I wander in to Baby Center? **Checks web address**0 -
I don't understand this at all.
If I was in a position to be a stay at home Mom for a few years, I would make it a point to ensure the house is clean, dinner is on the table, etc. I actually think that sounds a hell of a lot more fun than corporate America.
It is
Pay sucks tho :laugh:
Hahaha. Yep! And that right there is the reason why I don't think I could ever do it. I could never be financially dependent on someone else. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, ESPECIALLY with how expensive child care is. it's just that circumstances in my childhood made me want to ensure that I have my own money all the time, no matter what.
Yup, if there's any wisdom to impart to future moms, that would be it for sure. HAVE YOUR OWN MONEY!0 -
I don't get why people care if she's depressed or bored.
If I get depressed or bored, I still grab my coffee, put my fat butt in the car and drive to work.
Being depressed or bored does not negate responsibility.
Then you clearly have not been truly depressed. I'm not talking about being sad. Or unhappy. Those are things we can fix within ourselves. But depression, when it takes over, can be crippling. PPD can last until the child is 2. It's a horrible thing to go through. And the woman does go to work. She takes care of the child and maybe that's all she can do.
That was my thought before I read other things. I do believe she just thinks it's not her job. I know a couple of friends who stay home and do NOTHING because they feel like they shouldn't have to. It blows my mind.0 -
This is why I absolutely refuse to ever tie the knot before living with someone for over a year.
That's not part of the traditional family values I espouse, but it does show a person's true colors before a mistake is made.
You don't really know someone until you've been in their world for awhile.0 -
And I think her husband should care deeply if she is depressed. If she's just entitled, then there's another issue. But to not care about her mindset in all of this isn't very productive.0
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I really don't want to get into the original question and all that followed....
Just wanted to say if we ever meet, the beer is on me!:drinker:0 -
This is why I absolutely refuse to ever tie the knot before living with someone for over a year.
That's not part of the traditional family values I espouse, but it does show a person's true colors before a mistake is made.
You don't really know someone until you've been in their world for awhile.
We lived together for about 6 months before we moved across Canada to Calgary(her family is all in Ontario, I have some here). We then lived with my parents in their condo for 2 months, and then got an apartment for 2 years. This January we moved to a rented house for space concerns...that's where we are now.0 -
I really don't want to get into the original question and all that followed....
Just wanted to say if we ever meet, the beer is on me!:drinker:
lol thanks. Appreciate the support man! :drinker:0 -
As a single mom to 2 daughters and working 40+ hours a week while helping with homework, coaching softball, shuffling the girls back and forth to practices, being a spectator at the youngest's soccer games, spending quality time with my girls and going to the gym while doing all the chores in my own home (with the help of my 2 daughters), I know from experience that having a baby and trying to keep the house clean is a lot easier than what I do every day.
As a stay at home mom, I really think that it's her "job" to handle all the house stuff while you are out of the home providing said house for her. Depending on how big your home is and how many people are in your home, which I assume is 3, it shouldn't be difficult to maintain a clean home. If she does it right then she could have her "free time" while the baby sleeps.0 -
And I think her husband should care deeply if she is depressed. If she's just entitled, then there's another issue. But to not care about her mindset in all of this isn't very productive.
I do care, but it's tough for me to say whether she's depressed or not when all she tells me is butterflies, unicorns and rainbows...0 -
This is why I absolutely refuse to ever tie the knot before living with someone for over a year.
That's not part of the traditional family values I espouse, but it does show a person's true colors before a mistake is made.
You don't really know someone until you've been in their world for awhile.
We lived together for about 6 months before we moved across Canada to Calgary(her family is all in Ontario, I have some here). We then lived with my parents in their condo for 2 months, and then got an apartment for 2 years. This January we moved to a rented house for space concerns...that's where we are now.
Is she close to her family? Is she close in proximity to them? I am not familiar with Canadian geography, excuse me.0 -
And I think her husband should care deeply if she is depressed. If she's just entitled, then there's another issue. But to not care about her mindset in all of this isn't very productive.
I do care, but it's tough for me to say whether she's depressed or not when all she tells me is butterflies, unicorns and rainbows...
Of course. But she may be overcompensating if all you hear is the good stuff. There is bad stuff. Taking care of a child and a home can suck.0 -
I'll tell you something about my life that I think is unique. Because there is such a crammed schedule in my life, sometimes I do my house work in a very unique way.
You would be absolutely shocked at how much can get done in 20 minutes if you go all out, balls-to-the-wall HIIT on it.
I literally break into a full speed run, dripping with sweat (it doubles as a workout) getting things put in their place.
I can load and unload a dishwasher in just a couple minutes flat when I want to.
I can hang up a load of laundry in just a couple minutes if the effort is there.
I can pick up, clean and vacuum a floor, than put away the vacuum in just a couple of minutes if I want too.
There's a secret about this.
If the house is already clean, the 'daily cleaning' isn't really much.
Gather toys in a bin. Check.
Hang up the wash. Check.
Spray down counter tops. Unload dishwasher.
Reload and start dishwasher. Wipe down counter top. Check. Check.
Light a candle. Check.
Grab that sweeper and run it over the floors. Check.
This junk can be done in 30 minutes flat if someone wants to make the effort.
I run this gig after work from 5:15 to 5:35 and than I have the whole darn evening free to cook, spend time with my daughter, my boyfriend, swim, lift, work-out, watch movies.
Get it done, get it knocked out, keep it knocked out.
The cleaner you keep it the easier it is to clean.
The messier it gets the more daunting and prolonged it is.
I think I love you. Marry me?0 -
As a single mom to 2 daughters and working 40+ hours a week while helping with homework, coaching softball, shuffling the girls back and forth to practices, being a spectator at the youngest's soccer games, spending quality time with my girls and going to the gym while doing all the chores in my own home (with the help of my 2 daughters), I know from experience that having a baby and trying to keep the house clean is a lot easier than what I do every day.
As a stay at home mom, I really think that it's her "job" to handle all the house stuff while you are out of the home providing said house for her. Depending on how big your home is and how many people are in your home, which I assume is 3, it shouldn't be difficult to maintain a clean home. If she does it right then she could have her "free time" while the baby sleeps.
I had my world and home a lot more under control when I was a single mom. lol. Interesting...0 -
This is why I absolutely refuse to ever tie the knot before living with someone for over a year.
That's not part of the traditional family values I espouse, but it does show a person's true colors before a mistake is made.
You don't really know someone until you've been in their world for awhile.
We lived together for about 6 months before we moved across Canada to Calgary(her family is all in Ontario, I have some here). We then lived with my parents in their condo for 2 months, and then got an apartment for 2 years. This January we moved to a rented house for space concerns...that's where we are now.
Is she close to her family? Is she close in proximity to them? I am not familiar with Canadian geography, excuse me.
It's quite alright. She's not overly close to them, but she does miss them. Geographically they live just on the north side of the great lakes, and we live one province in from the west coast...so no, not close at all in proximity.
Her family is a whole other issue - they feel they are entitled to 2 or more visits per year from us, always going there, none of them ever coming to us...but that's nothing i want to bring up here.0 -
ur a but hed0
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I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:
She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job).
To elaborate: I get that raising kids is hard while trying to make sure they don't suffocate on a bouncy ball and keep the dog from sharting on your couch all while trying to feed said animals (kids included) and go pee at the same time.
However, I think that that sacrifice includes house keeping, as well. I was a nanny through college and I did it. It's not fair to tell the sole bread winner to clean the house that you've been at all day -- it's the job you chose so you can raise your own kid. That's my opinion.
I agree 100% percent. I am a stay at home mom... MY JOB is to cook, clean, and take care of my 3 1/2 year old daughter. My husband goes to work every day and I don't expect him to do anything other than take out the trash. He shouldn't have to come home and work after being at work all day.
If she doesn't want to handle the ALL of the responsibility of being a SAHM then she doesn't need to be one.
SMH at some women.... ugh...
Some women don't like being slaves. Hubby works 8 hours, why should you work 24? Marriage is a team, so I thought?0 -
Nothing needs to be done daily. Maybe trash and diaper take out, but that's it.
She should be doing more. You get an hour lunch, she should too. The other nap hours should be household work.
A: We use cloth diapers, they only get the crap(literally) sprayed out of them...and I do that when I get home...
I don't get an hour for lunch, I often have mandatory meetings or other work engagements. I get 5 minutes of peace eating at my desk while I do additional work.
Ah... okay... I change my recommendations.
Get off of your ecological high horse, and buy disposable diapers!
Or... since little bit is 11 months old... start potty training ASAP! She is old enough.
Wow. No. Potty training at 11 months is a no. And disposable diapers have too many chemicals for many people. They gave my daughter chemical burns on her labia. It was horrible. Plus, it's cheaper. Them using cloth diapers isn't the problem. My friend had 4 in diapers and they were all cloth and it worked. His wife just doesn't want to do anything.
I've read that children are not biologically ready until 18 months at the earliest to potty train.
My oldest started potty training at a year old and was completely potty trained BY 18 months.
My youngest started potty training at 2 years and still wasn't completely potty trained until 4 years.
But whatever... two half grown daughters taught me absolutely nothing about parenting. Really! I have no idea what I'm talking about. *roll eyes as bowing out of stupid thread*
If it took your youngest TWO YEARS to potty train, you were pushing it on her way too young.
It's a long story... but I didn't start her potty training. Again, she didn't start UNTIL 2 years...
yes, didn't start utnil 2, but wasn't done until 4... that, my dear, equals 2 years
I'm not sure how that equates to pushing it on her too young. :huh:
for a kid that is truly ready for potty training, it shoulld not be a 2 year process0 -
ur a but hed
lol wut?0 -
It's quite alright. She's not overly close to them, but she does miss them. Geographically they live just on the north side of the great lakes, and we live one province in from the west coast...so no, not close at all in proximity.
Her family is a whole other issue - they feel they are entitled to 2 or more visits per year from us, always going there, none of them ever coming to us...but that's nothing i want to bring up here.
Seems important to me. If her birth family is entitled and expecting these things from you, then it would go to show that she would have the same connotations in life. Entitled. If they don't compromise, they probably don't do much in the family as well. If she grew up like that, it would explain a lot.
ETA: My mother raised me alone. She is a narcissistic piece of work. I was NO different until I had to look at myself (age 34) and change a lot about myself. We become what we're familiar with. It didn't seem wrong to me until I realized it was wrong and almost lost my marriage at that time (which wouldn't be a bad thing now lol but that's my Oprah show
) 0 -
Every kid, every mom, every situation is different. My four are almost grown and we've had different arrangements over time. I'm sure your daughter is a wonderful child, but some wonderful children are extra work. If you have one of those, the extra work will pay off. In the meantime, it might be almost more than one adult human being can handle.
When my 3rd was 2 months old, I worked 30 hours a week, did almost all the childcare, did most of the housework, homeschooled my daughter, and still felt like my life was pretty balanced.
Babies #1 and #4 were a different story. #1 was high-need. She rarely slept for longer than 2 hours at a stretch (until about age 3 -- looking back, I think she had reflux from medical treatments she had as a newborn). When she napped during the day, so did I! I was so sleep-deprived, I craved the stuff like a junkie. I wasn't at the top of my game, either. I worked part-time and fit what housework I could around the edges, but I often had a hard time putting her down so I could fix a snack, pee, or take a shower. You can do a lot of things while you're holding a velcro kid on your hip, but not everything.
#4 was low birth weight. He nursed 17 hours a day for about 4 months, and continued to need newborn-style care until he was almost 8 months old. He then became busy, active, strong-willed. and into everything. There is no way I could have managed everything I managed with #3 with him!
If I'd only had #2 and #3, I would breezily suggest that women could do it all without breaking stride.
Fortunately, my husband largely went with the flow. We worked together to solve problems, and sometimes just had to accept that we'd get through the current situation the best we could.
So tell her you're feeling overwhelmed by the housework and listen to what's going on with her.
^This.
But even just an extremely energetic or hyperactive child can be overwhelming. My oldest (now 10) was always calm. I could do anything without a problem. My youngest two (one and almost three) are hyperactive and require constant attention (not that all children don't, they just especially do). Some children can be a breeze, but others may take every last ounce of your effort just to make it through the day alive.
Just for insight: My sister has a 4-year-old boy and a 12-year-old stepson and works full time. The 4-year-old is one of the energetic ones. We've had this conversation on many occasions and she's told me before that her days are so much easier when she works at her 'job' than when she stays home with the kids.
Also, who has the issues with the cleaning? Does she clean but is not satisfied and thinks it should be more clean? Do you think it's not clean enough? Or is she literally not doing anything? It makes a difference. If she cleans but wants a spotless home, come home one day, take the mop out of her hand and tell her that it's ok if there are toys on the floor. If she LITERALLY doesn't do anything all day, maybe she hates cleaning. Maybe she is tired of never having other adults to talk to. Tell her you could hire a maid once a week if she works. Just throw the option out there without telling her that she's a slob. Some people just hate to clean.0 -
Exactly! If people can afford it, I think the best thing for the CHILD is to be raised by a parent. At least until they start school. Usually ends up being the Mum, because most (I said most) Times Dad is able to earn more $You're meant to lay the table before you start eating your dinner.. What I mean by this is, you're meant to say before you're married of where you stand and what you do/don't do and won't do, along with what you will, can, and must..
I have no idea how you're meant to get this done if you're already married.. Personally I wouldn't tolerate a stay at home mom for more than a year.. I don't believe anyone should be so privileged to sit at home and not work for the family/house.
Which I would interpret as meaning you don't believe your children would deserve to spend their day with anyone other than a daycare worker. What a privilege for them.0 -
As a single mom to 2 daughters and working 40+ hours a week while helping with homework, coaching softball, shuffling the girls back and forth to practices, being a spectator at the youngest's soccer games, spending quality time with my girls and going to the gym while doing all the chores in my own home (with the help of my 2 daughters), I know from experience that having a baby and trying to keep the house clean is a lot easier than what I do every day.
As a stay at home mom, I really think that it's her "job" to handle all the house stuff while you are out of the home providing said house for her. Depending on how big your home is and how many people are in your home, which I assume is 3, it shouldn't be difficult to maintain a clean home. If she does it right then she could have her "free time" while the baby sleeps.
I had my world and home a lot more under control when I was a single mom. lol. Interesting...
Kinda have to cause things get out of hand really quick if you don't. My point was really that it can be done. She just has to do it.0 -
Keeping a home together is the most basic of things you two are going to do together.
Ya'll are in perfect land. You've got a good job, everyone has their health.
If you both can't deal with life in the perfect zone, what are you going to do when faced with real struggles?
What if you get sick and hospitalized?
What if you fall on unemployment?
Real obstacles will eventually happen, so how you both deal with this is probably going to mirror how you deal with real problems.
I can't get off my *kitten* and fix a real problem in 30 minutes like I can a messy house.
Something to think about.0 -
I have lived the hours etc. that your wife is living in. The first child is an adjustment. Who gets up during the night with the child? Is that alternated? My first child got up at 5 am slept for an hour in the afternoon then went to bed at 11pm every night from the second day he came home. He has never needed much sleep, but that hour in the afternoon I used as nap time for myself also so I could continue to function. I notice you said you wanted to spend more time with your baby, maybe you could take her for a walk - giving Mom some Me time - Say you walk for an hour and Mom cleans for 30 min and gets 30 minutes to spend as she wishes on herself. Do you have family in the area? I did not, but if your wife is not getting much break time (aka without baby) she may be overwhelmed. Maybe enlist some family help to give her some time to get herself back. My husband put in long hours, and was gone a lot at night. I put in many 24/7 days that accumulated basically into weeks without any kind of break. My husband helped but even when he was here I was still on the job so to speak. He helped where he could, but there were just days my housekeeping did not meet his standard. He needed to adjust his standard until child number 3 went to school. Since you are just 11 months into this process I would guess you both are making adjustments still. I suggest you tell your wife what you feel your needs are along these lines, then actually listen to what she is telling you, (some people skip this step or simply pretend to listen), you both should brain storm solutions then come back together to see if a solution for both of you can be agreed on. Thing is, you can not compare your job to hers, unless yours is hands on and demands your attention at high alert the whole time you are there, if it is then I would think you would be even more understanding of the emotional and physical drain she deals with every day. This said, I commend you for all your hard work and the gift that you have given your child in the form of her SAHM.0
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As a single mom to 2 daughters and working 40+ hours a week while helping with homework, coaching softball, shuffling the girls back and forth to practices, being a spectator at the youngest's soccer games, spending quality time with my girls and going to the gym while doing all the chores in my own home (with the help of my 2 daughters), I know from experience that having a baby and trying to keep the house clean is a lot easier than what I do every day.
As a stay at home mom, I really think that it's her "job" to handle all the house stuff while you are out of the home providing said house for her. Depending on how big your home is and how many people are in your home, which I assume is 3, it shouldn't be difficult to maintain a clean home. If she does it right then she could have her "free time" while the baby sleeps.
^^^^THIS! And if she doesn't want to do the chores during her "free time" while the baby sleeps then she can do them in the evening while you spend time with the baby.
Don't forget about spending time as a couple too though. You two still need that time to talk, snuggle, watch a movie, be intimate, etc. and sounds like you should have a couple hours after the baby is in bed for that.
Sadly I think she wants to stay home but have you do all the work (both inside and outside the home). I guess I'm old school, but if you stay home then you take care of the kids and keep the house in order. This includes not only cleaning the house, but also grocery shopping and cooking and the majority of the childcare.
I never was able to be a stay at home mom, but even as a working mom, I did the majority of the housework and childcare too. Not to say that is should be that way, but that is just how it was.
Now I am a single parent (have a live-in bf, but he's gone all week as a OTR truck driver), so I work 40+ hours a week outside the home and do probably 95% of the housework, homework help, shuffling my daughter back and forth to practice, games, etc. He is great though and helps out when he is home by cooking the occasional meal and always does the outside chores like mowing, weed eating, and bathing the dog.0 -
Would it be possible for her to do 1-2 chores a day? My husband and I don't have children, but we make it a point to do a chore a day to keep the house clean. We work full time, work out, and then I cook dinner so by the time we are done with dishes and have completed one chore, it's 9 pm. This is our schedule meaning it works for US, but maybe she would be open to doing something like this?:
Week 1
Mon: Vacuum downstairs, take trash cans out to curb
Tues: Bring in trash cans, clean windows
Wed: Clean toilets
Thurs: Mop kitchen floor
Friday: Laundry
Weekend: rest, or do a "monthly chore"
Week 2
Mon: Vacuum upstairs, take trash cans out to curb
Tues: Bring in trash cans, Clean mirrors and bathroom sinks
Wed: Clean showers/tubs
Thurs: Mop bathroom floors
Friday: Laundry
Weekend: rest, or do a "monthly chore"
Repeat/alternate weeks 1 and 2.
Our monthly chores consist of the following (if I can rember them)
Dusting
wash pillows/comforters
clean bathroom walls
clean fridge and oven
wash bathroom mats
you get my point by now...
I am sure being home with the baby is not easy, but as a stay at home mom, she is making a choice to take care of your child and family. That includes making it a clean, comfortable environment. When you come home from work, the focus should be spending time as a family.0 -
Wow. I've been so bitter about my hubs being so messy and not helping more with our messy toddler. (We both work) You just reminded me that before I know it he'll be grown and gone. Gheesh I should already know this since I have 3 kids grown on their own! Thanks for rewiring my perspective!Life is long if we're lucky. These little frustrations seem SO BIG to us in the moment, but in the big picture, they really aren't--0 -
I didnt read all these comments BUT Im a single mom of 3 boys. One being 7 months. I work 40 hours a week and still have to cook and clean as much as I can. I can guarentee you if I had the option to stay home with my 2 little ones, I dont see one reason for the house not to be clean. If she worked and you did, it would be something you should both be equal with. And Believe me I know raising kids is very hard work but I find time with 3 of them and baseball 4 nights a week and work.0
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I have seenthis argument many times before on different forums, usually with the SAHM crowd arguing that their job is 24/7/365 and the hardest job in the world, which I personally feel is vastly overstated.
They're lying (or grossly over-estimating the amount of work they really do). I'm a SAHM with three boys (2 are on the Autism spectrum). I will honestly admit I can get away with 3 solid hours daily (well, spread out) of sitting on my behind doing nothing (or, ahem, working out, cause that's ma thang now, lol). The other 8 hours are spent playing with kids, cooking, running errands, and -gasp- cleaning my house. There are more than enough hours during "9-5" to get my own chores done.
Husband busts his *kitten* to give us a home and nice things in the same time frame. If he doesn't get his work finished in an 8-hour shift, HE is the one to stay and complete it. I would NEVER dare to insist my husband complete MY daily work because I'm "off the clock." That's ridiculous.
But then, I've been called a misogynistic anti-feminist June Cleaver for my views. So, take this with a grain of salt, I guess.0
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