what is it with my wife?!
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This thread makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my husband. My husband and I both work, but I have nothing but respect for the sheer and overwhelming workload that a SAHM takes on. I could never do it.
In addition to a workday that never ends and no time to yourself, you have to put up with the fact that your husband now feels you are no longer on equal footing and deserving of equal respect because you don't draw a paycheck. When I was on maternity leave (both times) I got to shower maybe every 3rd day. You can't imagine how involved and exhausting it is to care for a baby.
And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.
I suggest tightening the budget and figuring out a way to get a housekeeper once a week to do the "chores" you feel aren't your responsibility. Your posts reek of entitlement.
Yes, because it's just so easy to have ALL the pressure of earning a livable income for your family on your shoulders day in and day out. That's not stressful at all.
And that's not even getting into the exhaustion of leaving the house at the crack of dawn, sitting in traffic (or on PT), working a full day, dealing with jerk bosses and annoying colleagues, only to come late to a messy house and a wife yelling at you when all you want to do is spend some quality time with your daughter like a good Dad' should....
Yeah, this really sounds like entitlement to me. OP is clearly an *kitten*.
SMH0 -
Just stop doing your cleaning. You may have to grin and bear a dirty house for a few days, but it'll soon come to bother her too and that could spark a discussion about dividing out cleaning tasks fairly.0
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The problem is that we have changed the job title to "stay at home mom" which puts the emphasis on the kids. The title used to be, "housewife" or "homemaker". That's what I am. It's also what she is. Taking care of the kids at home means creating a clean and safe environment for them as well. The only home "job" I gave up when having kids was mowing the lawn because it's hard to keep an eye on baby while pushing a lawnmower. My husband gladly took that one up for me and gladly stays home with the kids in the evenings so I can have the occasional "Mom's night out". I chose to have the job of "homemaker" and he's very glad that I am home raising kids and making a home for us.0
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like many have said. She stays at home, she can make herself a schedule and get the job done. It's part of her requirements. It's like going for a job and your boss gives you a b and c to do, and you say I'll do it all, but not C and still expect the job. Doesn't work that way. She can do it. I would spend my days with 4 girls I would babysit and I would do laundry and clean. (and I'm not going to talk about the animals involved)0
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Whatever you end up saying, say it kindly. Best wishes.0
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Does your wife know the household budget? Does she see what you do all day? I ask because in her mind, perhaps you just disappear for 12 hours and then come home. Like you've been on vacation all day.
Do you include her with bill paying? Is it real to her? Did she clean before you had a child? I notice many young people these days don't think it's their job.
Did she work before? A career? Education? Just questions...
I try to include her with bill paying - she wants none of it, so I take care of the finances too. She does pretty well staying within budget, but I've had to mention it about 1000 times earlier on... I don't care if over budget by 5 cents or 50 bucks...over budget = bad...she gets it very much now and hates that I am so frugal, but understands why.
She knows all about what I do, but if I dare talk to her about it, her eyes glaze over. (I am an Estimator for one of the largest EPC companies in the world)
She did clean before our baby - everything but the kitchen, but that's the way she preferred it...she set that premise to me.
She worked part time before, she dropped out of college in her last semester, I wouldn't really say she had a career, but plenty of employment experience.
Ok. I'm going to get a bit...crunchy.
This woman (who is only 24), is your wife whom you love. You work 10-12 hours a day (my husband did 12 hour days...they are brutal), and she cares for the baby 10-12 hours a day alone. She won't do housework and expects it from you. She could be unhappy but says she isn't. She volunteers with dogs and goes out with friends and you guys have date nights.
Ok.
But when you talk to her about the bills she wants none of it. When you talk about your work, she ignores it and is uninterested. Does she expect you to ask and listen about her day?
Are you two intimate? In my head, from what I've read, she doesn't respect you. You are her cash cow and she is reaping the benefits. Just my opinion, of course. This problem in your marriage is way more than her not cleaning.0 -
I wish I could talk to her. lol. I would teach her about the whirlwind pick up/cleaning that my girlfriends and I did when our children were young.
You can clean all dang day but with kids around, it looks a mess...so we'd start about 45 minutes before husbands got home. House would look fine. Dinner would be simmering. Sometimes, I'd put some flour on my forehead as a joke (my husband knew of my whirlwind pickups
)
That is just brilliant. I'll keep it in mind when the day comes.
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Yes, because it's just so easy to have ALL the pressure of earning a livable income for your family on your shoulders day in and day out. That's not stressful at all.
And that's not even getting into the exhaustion of leaving the house at the crack of dawn, sitting in traffic (or on PT), working a full day, dealing with jerk bosses and annoying colleagues, only to come late to a messy house and a wife yelling at you when all you want to do is spend some quality time with your daughter like a good Dad' should....
Yeah, this really sounds like entitlement to me. OP is clearly an *kitten*.
SMH
Lol thank you for defending my standpoint..this made me chuckle a bit, I am such an A-hole!
Everyone: Thank you so far for your insight and support, I have been reading, responding, and trying to adjust my thinking in order to approach this matter calmly and collectively to find a suitable resolution for us both.0 -
I know being a SAHM mom is a very hard job. I believe that if she stays home and you are the financial provider, her job is the household duties. It's a job, yet also a privilege to be able to stay home with the children.0
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lol, I love the title of this thread. I absolutely see your point, but I do agree that this argument may not go well. Maybe wheird's designated cleaning time would work.
So far it seems like the most logical of the options provided, also @mamaomefo's suggestion too.
I'm going to see if I can work both of them into one plan and see how that goes... It's probably all in the approach...and I suck at soft approaches.
Sorry man, it isnt exactly an equal distribution of labor and responsibility, but the designated cleaning time may be the only way of making her think that you are both meeting halfway.
It's all good wheird, even if it's not "equal" I just don't want to being the guy busting my butt at work for our income, then doing 80% of the housework on top of it all.
I have seenthis argument many times before on different forums, usually with the SAHM crowd arguing that their job is 24/7/365 and the hardest job in the world, which I personally feel is vastly overstated.
I"m a mom of an 18 and 15 year old... I have done all... the full time 40 hr job, the part time night/weekend job, and the "full time" stay at home mom job.... that being said... it is vastly overstated IMHO...there is plenty of time in the day to get the job done... that includes cleaning... and napping!0 -
At the moment, I'm a SAHM...well, it's summer and as a teacher, I'm off (yet a paycheck still comes).
It's horrible. lol. I mean..wow. I don't know how women do it. Kudos to you all.
I'm so bored, I could eat my children.0 -
I don't think that there are, or should be general "rules" for stay at home moms. I think that should vary from marriage to marriage. I stay home with my girls, and I do most of the housework. If I fall behind or whatever, my husband happily pitches in, but there is no one chore I "expect" of him (not even taking out the trash ).
While I'm home I run a non-profit organization and I homeschool my kiddos. I manage to keep my house relatively clean (though Better Homes and Gardens won't be knocking any time soon).
I think the most important thing is you guys agree on what clean means to each of you. Are you expecting the floors mopped every day? Or you just want general clutter picked up? Next, you need to talk to her - is she having trouble day to day? Is she struggling with your daughter? I totally see wanting to take a break when your child is taking a nap, but it seems like resting for half, cleaning for half isn't out of the realm of possibility. Or put the kiddo in a safe place and vacuum real quick.
When your kiddos are that young, sometimes the day to day can feel overwhelming. I would do the quick, frantic clean when my husband was on his way home, because I wanted him to come home to a nice, clean house - not because he expected it of me.
I can't see this being an easy conversation no matter how you approach it. Good luck!0 -
You have small children. Your house will never be clean again until they are all moved out to college, and even then it's iffy. Just let go of these delusions, and live in the squallor.0
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If all medical conditions have been ruled out, then yeah, she just needs to do the housework. Period. I know you mean basic upkeep and not deep cleaning of the whole house every day. I'm sure she can do that. Can you force her? No. It's just something she needs to want to do.0
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Yes, because it's just so easy to have ALL the pressure of earning a livable income for your family on your shoulders day in and day out. That's not stressful at all.
And that's not even getting into the exhaustion of leaving the house at the crack of dawn, sitting in traffic (or on PT), working a full day, dealing with jerk bosses and annoying colleagues, only to come late to a messy house and a wife yelling at you when all you want to do is spend some quality time with your daughter like a good Dad' should....
Yeah, this really sounds like entitlement to me. OP is clearly an *kitten*.
SMH
Lol thank you for defending my standpoint..this made me chuckle a bit, I am such an A-hole!
Everyone: Thank you so far for your insight and support, I have been reading, responding, and trying to adjust my thinking in order to approach this matter calmly and collectively to find a suitable resolution for us both.
No problem. I totally respect the sacrifices you are making to support your family and I totally understand how soul sucking the grind can be...
That poster is projecting. If her husband was so fabulous, she would be able to take a shower.0 -
This thread makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my husband. My husband and I both work, but I have nothing but respect for the sheer and overwhelming workload that a SAHM takes on. I could never do it.
In addition to a workday that never ends and no time to yourself, you have to put up with the fact that your husband now feels you are no longer on equal footing and deserving of equal respect because you don't draw a paycheck. When I was on maternity leave (both times) I got to shower maybe every 3rd day. You can't imagine how involved and exhausting it is to care for a baby.
And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.
I suggest tightening the budget and figuring out a way to get a housekeeper once a week to do the "chores" you feel aren't your responsibility. Your posts reek of entitlement.
And yours reeks of bullsh*t. You worked and also took care of your child (whom I assume is capable of sleeping for more than 5 minutes. You could have taken a shower.) She isn't working at...all. My mom was a single mother with two kids AND worked and she still got it done. His wife is the entitled one. Sounds like she thinks because she can perform her primary duty as a woman that she doesn't have to do anything else. The man already said he cleans the kitchen (which is usually the worst room in anyone's home).0 -
I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:
She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job).
To elaborate: I get that raising kids is hard while trying to make sure they don't suffocate on a bouncy ball and keep the dog from sharting on your couch all while trying to feed said animals (kids included) and go pee at the same time.
However, I think that that sacrifice includes house keeping, as well. I was a nanny through college and I did it. It's not fair to tell the sole bread winner to clean the house that you've been at all day -- it's the job you chose so you can raise your own kid. That's my opinion.
^^AGREE.0 -
At the moment, I'm a SAHM...well, it's summer and as a teacher, I'm off (yet a paycheck still comes).
It's horrible. lol. I mean..wow. I don't know how women do it. Kudos to you all.
I'm so bored, I could eat my children.
LOL. At this point, my ideal situation would be to work part-time so I can earn my own play-time dough and contribute, but I don't think I could set at home and do nothing.
Not with the lifestyle I'm used too. I freak people out because I go somewhere everyday.
Years have passed between days that I literally sat at home for an entire day. Sick? Docs or pharmacy.
Anything else is business as usual.
Even if some filthy rich man wanted to marry me and we started a new family (which I'm open too, by the way) I'd still have to either submerge myself into academia or volunteer work.
I don't have it in my self to set at home.0 -
And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.
I get up with the baby in the night and bottle feed her when she needs it. She's a pretty good sleeper. My wife is only pumping, latching problems that only got worse with time, but my wife is dedicated to her first year being breast milk even if it's from a bottle.
My post reeks of entitlement? Wow, you clearly have not read many of my other posts in this thread. Thank you for your time and your narrow minded view on the matter.
It doesn't sound to me like he is setting standards for the chores, but she is. (Did you read the OP?) He isn't coming home and complaining about how the house looks, he is coming home and getting b*itched at to clean the house. That's not right.0 -
I am sure she is tired and has other things she would like to do when the kid is sleeping, but that is part of the sacrifice of being a stay at home mom... Just tell her she is on housework duty... or I like the post... Tell her you will just cut back on the hours you work to make up for time spent cleaning, but that means there will have to be sacrifices on her part... such as cell phone, cable, internet, eating out... Is it going to suck having the conversation... YES!... but it isn't fair to have everything dumped on you either! I would literally slap my husband around if he were home all day with the kid and when I got home from work, expected me to do all housework! LAME! Like you said, there is a BIG difference between helping and having to do it all.0
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