what is it with my wife?!
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You're meant to lay the table before you start eating your dinner.. What I mean by this is, you're meant to say before you're married of where you stand and what you do/don't do and won't do, along with what you will, can, and must..
I have no idea how you're meant to get this done if you're already married.. Personally I wouldn't tolerate a stay at home mom for more than a year.. I don't believe anyone should be so privileged to sit at home and not work for the family/house.0 -
Didn't read the whole thread, BUT....
I work full time, and when my job requires it that can sometimes be 10 hours a day. My SO, on the other hand, works straight 12s. At night. He comes home from work, makes breakfast and his lunch for the next day, leaves the kitchen dirty and flops into bed. Which means I come home from my job, be it 8 hours or more, and have to clean to kitchen before I can make my own food.
It used to make me FURIOUS.
But then I started to realize just how tiring that 12 hour a day must be. Every day (night, really) for 12 hours. I honestly don't know how he does it. So I started looking at it not as a chore, but as something nice I can do for him to help support him with those long hours. Cleaning up the kitchen after him has become something special I'm willing to do because I love him, not just another bout of cleaning. And it has really, really helped. I'm no longer mad - in fact, I'm pleased when he's able to come home and have a nice clean kitchen to quickly do what he needs to do and go to bed. I feel like I've done something special for him, reminded him that I want to help take care of him a little. And he's been very appreciative.
Perhaps approach your wife from that perspective? Not as a 'clean the house, it's your job mom' perspective, but rather 'listen, if you were able to help me out in this way it would really mean a lot to me' perspective?
Love this!!! When we put ourselves in the other's shoes AND respond to things in a loving way (rather than "keeping score") it makes all the difference. I tell people who complain about their spouses for whatever reason --- "how would you have handled this in that giddy time when you first met him/her?"0 -
Sorry but if she is a SAHM. Her job is taking care of child and the house duties. Tell her plain and simple, If she doesn't like it, get a job, pay for daycare and hire a housekeeper. Not all people are lucky to be able to stay home and raise their children. I raised my daughter who is 21 while working full time and in school.
I work a full time job plus-( I own my own business) and I have the luxury to work from home. In my downtime, I clean the house and dinner is on the table, while having two step children ages 9 & 11.
Does my other half help out? Absolutely, but if it wasn't for him, I probably would not have my own business and truthfully, I would not have any of the luxuries I have with out him. It's a partnership.0 -
Out of curiosity - how long have you guys been together? And how old are you? I've gotten way better at taking "criticism" the longer my husband and I have been together. And, obviously, the older I've gotten. I can separate what I'm doing that he's not crazy about from his feelings for me as a person. For a long time they were the same thing, so a "honey, the chores aren't getting done" would feel like a personal attack.
I think it's fair for you guys to have expectations of each other. If she has an expectation of how you'll spend your "free" time, then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have an expectation of how she might spend her "free" time. I hope the conversation goes alright, or is at least alright in the end. You should both be happy.0 -
I had 3 little ones, two years apart, and for a while I had a housecleaner, which made a big difference. I think many people underestimate how hard child care is and characterize women who choose to stay at home as lazy and brainless. I had a Master's Degree and a profession before I had my family.
With the baby, the hardest times were early on, of course, and then around 14-18 months old because they are on the go and have to be watched constantly -- they can't just be in a play-pen or bouncer. They are everywhere and perpetually getting into trouble. Often, when the baby napped, I napped because I was worn out from running around with him. I took care of laundry, meals, grocery shopping (although sometimes hubby would do that because it was easier for him to go out without the baby). The other stuff would not be a priority because it wasn't necessary for day-to-day living, unless we were entertaining and needed the house to be super clean. I also did all the bill-paying and financial aspects, except for the taxes, because my husband was too busy with his job to take care of those things. My husband would do the dishes (fill the dishwasher) if we had a meal together and help with some child care, but did no housework and was often critical of either my housekeeping or the once a week person's, and it built a lot of resentment. I had a choir practice one evening a week and a once-a-month book group that he came home for with the stipulation that the children be fed and ready for bed by the time he came home. I was constantly told what a sacrifice he was making to come home early enough for me to do these activities. Everything he gave me was some kind of favor, rather than something given in partnership or love. No, I wouldn't have thought of asking him to do housework, but I also felt more and more resentful and bitter as the marriage progressed. By the time we had been married around 15 years, the years of resentment that built in my marriage by my husband's attitude led to bitterness and a near-divorce situation. It took a lot of therapy and a trial separation to get us on track.
When I read some posters saying the man should be taking everything away from the woman -- car, cell phone, Internet, etc. -- if she doesn't do more work, or that women who choose to stay at home are lazy or brain-dead -- I feel as if we are not talking about marriage, but a financial arrangement. The man works full-time -- the woman pays by doing everything else. This is not about a relationship or parenting as partners. It's tit-for-tat.
My advice -- come to a compromise about housework and look at each other as equal partners in parenting and the relationship. Love and respect each other. Otherwise, it's the D word. I know because we were almost there.0 -
You're meant to lay the table before you start eating your dinner.. What I mean by this is, you're meant to say before you're married of where you stand and what you do/don't do and won't do, along with what you will, can, and must..
I have no idea how you're meant to get this done if you're already married.. Personally I wouldn't tolerate a stay at home mom for more than a year.. I don't believe anyone should be so privileged to sit at home and not work for the family/house.
Which I would interpret as meaning you don't believe your children would deserve to spend their day with anyone other than a daycare worker. What a privilege for them.0 -
Out of curiosity - how long have you guys been together? And how old are you? I've gotten way better at taking "criticism" the longer my husband and I have been together. And, obviously, the older I've gotten. I can separate what I'm doing that he's not crazy about from his feelings for me as a person. For a long time they were the same thing, so a "honey, the chores aren't getting done" would feel like a personal attack.
I think it's fair for you guys to have expectations of each other. If she has an expectation of how you'll spend your "free" time, then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have an expectation of how she might spend her "free" time. I hope the conversation goes alright, or is at least alright in the end. You should both be happy.
We have been together for 4 years, married for 2. I am 29, going on 30 in November, she turns 24 in July
Hope that helps a bit.0 -
Sorry but if she is a SAHM. Her job is taking care of child and the house duties. Tell her plain and simple, If she doesn't like it, get a job, pay for a daycare and hire a housekeeper.
And they thought taking away the cell phone was mean!
*high five*0 -
Lol. When you figure out the answer, let me know. I work and support us, and my husband sits home all day, no kids to care for just three dogs. And I still can't get him to lift a finger, and whenever I say anything about how messy the house is, just get the response that 'well you barely do anything around here, why don't you clean it up?'
Incredibly frustrating. Switch of traditional gender roles and he just isn't getting it.0 -
I am now feeling extremely blessed to have my husband. He leaves for work at 6 in the morning, and works at a very physically demanding job all day. He comes in at 5 or later in the evening. During his workday, my day at home goes roughly something like this
445 am wake up, start coffee for husband
5 am pack husbands lunch
515 wake husband
6 am - wake teens for school
7 am- wake middle school and elementary
730 am- take kids to bus
8 am- change diaper, start fixing breakfast, dress kids and fix their hair
815 make beds
830- feed kids, eat
9 - clean kitchen, bleach and wipe down counters, sweep floor
905 change poopy diaper
930 sweep living room
940 wipe preschoolers booty, clean potty chair
10 cuddle little ones, read a story, dance with them, or watch a movie
11 sweep living room, clean bathroom, start laundry, change diaper
12 fix lunch, pause midway to wipe toddler booty, clean potty chair, wash hands and continue with lunch
1230, clean kitchen and put toddler down for nap.
1 pm start dinner prep, and work with preschooler on letters, and numbers
2 pm wake toddler, change diaper, take outside
3 pm teens are home...destroy my kitchen
330 go pick up other kids
4 pm entire house destroyed in 15 minutes, grind teeth, clean kitchen again, and start dinner
415 help with homework
420 nag kids to pick up after themselves
430 still working on laundry
5...He's HOME
Once five hits, one of two things will happen. If his day is exceptionally hard, I baby him. I bring him coffee, run his bath, and show him he is loved. My payoff is the fact that once he has rested for an hour or so, he starts helping me with things. After dinner, he will put up leftovers, and sometimes do the dishes. He will go through and pick up toys that have been strewn for the thousandth time through my house. He will take the dirty laundry downstairs so I don't have to try to do it the next day with a toddler trying to fight her way through the gate. He will help with getting them ready for bed. And if I am still up and doing after they are in bed, he will help with whatever I am doing so that I can come and sit with him for a little while before bed. No...he doesn't always help....and he only gets about 3 hours with them before bedtimes start...but he is my partner in this. And it helps so much to know that I am not alone with a mountain of dishes, laundry, dusting, sweeping, and kids. On weekends he cooks breakfast on one of those days, and helps with things around the house. Yep...I am loved. Lol...sorry about the book...just wanted you to have some idea of how her day may be going...and depending on how old your daughter is, the laundry is full of spit up on bibs, or food encrusted ones, and the diaper changes and poopy ones are a lot more frequent.
One more thing.....I read several comments that seem to relegate the SAHM as someone who does nothing, and does not really earn any free time, or recognition for what she does. My personal favorite was the comment about not tolerating a SAHM because no one should have the privilege of not working for the family/home. I work...I work every day. I don't get sick days, I don't get vacation. I had a job and worked at it for most of my children's lives. My husband and I decided for me to stay home with the kids. I have been a SAHM for two years, and I can tell you that it is exhausting. I work EVERY day for the family/home. EVERYTHING I do is for the Family and home. Yes, It is a privilege to see my children growing and interact with them. However, often I interact less with them than I would if I was working, simply because there is always something that needs done in the house. There is always laundry, always bills to pay, always dishes to wash or put away, always dusting, or clutter, or diapers, or something. I treasure the hours a day I get with them, just being with them!0 -
LOL, sorry, had to type the subject in mockery of that one girl's "problem".
But seriously... Curious for opinions, probably gonna get some trolls, but here's my dilemma.
How do I ask my wife to do more housework while she is at home? ...no it's not sexist, I'll give you some backup as to what I am talking about.
She always nags me to do housework when I come home from working 10-12 hour days, complains if I don't get X number of chores done before we go to bed, etc.
She is a stay at home mom. Not that she doesn't do anything, because she definitely does a lot with out 11 month old daughter, but our daughter also naps right after lunch until around 4-4:30pm every day. She's got 4 hours where she can basically do light chores and stuff without causing a ruckus.
So how do I approach her without getting into a stupid argument, about her picking up some slack around the house? I leave for work at 6am, get home around 6:30pm, my daughter starts bath/bed time at 8...I don't get much time to spend with her.
Any suggestions?
Dang. That's a touchy subject with a woman... I would just sit down with her while your child is napping & tell her that you appreciate all the hard work that she does and that you realize that it's a 24/7 job being a stay at home mom. Never say that she doesnt have a job or doesn't "work". Then tell her after being away from home for 12.5 hours a day that when you finally get back home you would like to wind down and prepare for the next long day at work by resting and spending time with both of them. ASK her if she would be willing to take over the indoor chores as a favor to you. Tell her that you will be glad to keep your child occupied while she does other things if need be. Don't act like you expect it, even if you do. Ask it as a favor because you are exhasted after work and don't want to come home and clean after being gone all day.
When I stayed at home with our son for the first 3 years I did ALL of the inside housework. My husband did all of the outdoor work (lawn work, house maintainance, etc). That's pretty much how it stayed once I started working again because I don't work long hours like he does.
I definitly think stay at home moms should keep up the inside of the house. It's part of the job. Probably going to catch hell for that lol but that's just my opinion.
I even started getting up with my husband every morning to make his coffee, pack his lunchbox & see him off to work. And even now that I work I STILL do that because he works super long hours. I work 7 hours a day. He works an avg of 12-14 every day.... he works twice as long as I do & shouldn't have to come home and do housework. HOWEVER he does do a LOT for our son when he's home. He gives him baths, plays with him, entertians him, cooks dinner because he enjoys it, etc.
Like I said, just don't come off as if you are expecting it because that will just make her mad and make her feel incompetent. Which will make her get defensive and cause an argument. If you see she's getting ill about it back off and try again later when she's in a better mood. Also, flowers/small gifts are cheaper than a housekeeper!!! Try a little positive re-enforcement. Let her know that she is appreciated. It's like getting a bonus at work, it makes you want to work harder to get the praise. Have flowers delivered to the house with a note thanking her for all that she does to keep the home running while you are away at work. That will make her want to do more for you:)
Best of Luck:)0 -
Sorry but if she is a SAHM. Her job is taking care of child and the house duties. Tell her plain and simple, If she doesn't like it, get a job, pay for a daycare and hire a housekeeper.
And they thought taking away the cell phone was mean!
*high five*
What is wrong with stating that it's part of her job taking care of child and house while her husband is working to pay for her bills and her nights out? Not everyone has the luxury to stay home with their children.0 -
24?Out of curiosity - how long have you guys been together? And how old are you? I've gotten way better at taking "criticism" the longer my husband and I have been together. And, obviously, the older I've gotten. I can separate what I'm doing that he's not crazy about from his feelings for me as a person. For a long time they were the same thing, so a "honey, the chores aren't getting done" would feel like a personal attack.
I think it's fair for you guys to have expectations of each other. If she has an expectation of how you'll spend your "free" time, then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have an expectation of how she might spend her "free" time. I hope the conversation goes alright, or is at least alright in the end. You should both be happy.
We have been together for 4 years, married for 2. I am 29, going on 30 in November, she turns 24 in July
Hope that helps a bit.
This is probably a huge and scary change. She's probably really feeling isolated.
She's probably a bit jealous of the time you get to spend out the house.0 -
Too many replies to read them all, but I'm offering the perspective of a current stay-at-home mom with two children under the age of three. Having a job outside the home, working 10-12 hours a day is hard and tiring and can just suck in general, especially if you come home and have to do chores. But working all day, every day and never leaving your 'job' can be really hard, too. I'm not saying you should be doing the chores, but I'm not saying that she shouldn't, either. Different things work for different people, and I think you just need to find what works for the two of you.
My two littlest ones are very much full of energy from the moment they wake up til the moment they hit the mattress, and it can get to be exhausting just trying to keep up with the two of them. There are days where I can vacuum the whole house twice, mop the floors once, make lunch, scrub the bathrooms each once, pick up toys and blocks a hundred times, bathe both children, make dinner, try and make myself presentable, and at the end of the day, the house either looks like I have literally done nothing, or it looks even worse than that morning. Try and think of it like a job, except one that she only ever leaves once maybe twice a week for a few hours, and sometimes she has to bring her work with her. Even if you absolutely love a job, there are usually still some things about it that can bother you.
You should definitely talk to her, preferrably in as diplomatic a manner as possible. Maybe when you get home, you spend a couple of hours with your daughter and you guys pretend like Mommy isn't even there. Then maybe Mommy cleans the bathrooms during that time, turning on the radio and dancing like no one is watching....because no one is. Sometimes maybe she kicks back and takes a bath. Then maybe, after the little one is in bed, you two do things together, even if it's only 15 minutes of straightening up the house or doing dishes. I have gotten to the point where I don't even like cleaning while my children are awake because they'll just mess it up fifteen minutes later. So my house is generally a wreck during the day, but I clean that night after they've gone to bed. I prefer it that way. Perhaps you two need to be 'ok' with not having a spotless house. You do have a little one, after all.
Sorry such a long post, but good luck!0 -
Higher a nice looking maid that works evenings.0
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As someone who works from home let me tell you, being cooped up in the house all day - sucks.
I get the whole 'well you are home all day you should do it" from my husband.
Yah, then I dont get any work done.
She needs a break from the house and the kids.
You just want a break from life.
While I agree she might need to relax a bit on having X amount done before bed, you need to understand that you help create the mess and therefor you should help clean it. Taking care of a home is no joke.
The other issue is that it is obvious the two of you have different love languages. She NEEDS to SEE you contribute, to help. That is how she feels loved right now.
Communication and compromise are going to be the only things that save you right now.
Also, you should both read this book : http://www.5lovelanguages.com/0 -
Sorry but if she is a SAHM. Her job is taking care of child and the house duties. Tell her plain and simple, If she doesn't like it, get a job, pay for a daycare and hire a housekeeper.
And they thought taking away the cell phone was mean!
*high five*
What is wrong with stating that it's part of her job taking care of child and house while her husband is working to pay for her bills and her nights out? Not everyone has the luxury to stay home with their children.
I was agreeing with your statement.0 -
LOL, sorry, had to type the subject in mockery of that one girl's "problem".
But seriously... Curious for opinions, probably gonna get some trolls, but here's my dilemma.
How do I ask my wife to do more housework while she is at home? ...no it's not sexist, I'll give you some backup as to what I am talking about.
She always nags me to do housework when I come home from working 10-12 hour days, complains if I don't get X number of chores done before we go to bed, etc.
She is a stay at home mom. Not that she doesn't do anything, because she definitely does a lot with out 11 month old daughter, but our daughter also naps right after lunch until around 4-4:30pm every day. She's got 4 hours where she can basically do light chores and stuff without causing a ruckus.
So how do I approach her without getting into a stupid argument, about her picking up some slack around the house? I leave for work at 6am, get home around 6:30pm, my daughter starts bath/bed time at 8...I don't get much time to spend with her.
Any suggestions?
Umm I was in this same situation a while back I was at home with the baby and my husband worked. I never had a problem doing housework, especially when my daughter was 11 months. Im not sure what is the problem on why your wife cant do enough housework to where she would have to soley depend on you to do more. Do you work weekends too? Im lost here on the scheduling issue she has, LOL!!! Sorry!
If you are doing the dinner dishes ok, but during the day how many times does she need to sweep(vacuum), bathrooms, laundry....does she wash windows EVERYday? Does she scrubs walls EVERYday? Does she have OCD? Sorry MFP I'm lost.0 -
Sorry but if she is a SAHM. Her job is taking care of child and the house duties. Tell her plain and simple, If she doesn't like it, get a job, pay for a daycare and hire a housekeeper.
And they thought taking away the cell phone was mean!
*high five*
What is wrong with stating that it's part of her job taking care of child and house while her husband is working to pay for her bills and her nights out? Not everyone has the luxury to stay home with their children.
I was agreeing with your statement.
Oh, My bad. I misunderstood! :flowerforyou:0 -
Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.
Spoken like someone who never had PPD.
Talk to her, let her know you know you're both exhausted and that you know the housework has doubled (or more), but you need to find a new balance to the chores.
I know they tell you all to be supportive before the baby, but trust me. After is just as exhausting and you always feel like you're doing everything wrong and everyone (including the baby, even if that's crazy) is always yelling at you and you aren't good enough.
I started on a mild antidepressant after I realized what was going on with me and I felt like a new person.
Also, ask her honestly if it would be more help to take the baby out of the house while she does housework. Also, does she have friends or family that could take the baby a few hours a week so she can get stuff done?
This will pass, be supportive and try to be understanding. She is exhausted. Even when you're home I guarantee she is "working". It took me until I got a job outside the home to stop "working" 24 hours. That's how it feels.0
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