what is it with my wife?!

GibbsGirl13072

I didn't get to read all the replies, but I've been both a stay at home mom when my daughter was small, and worked outside the home. I don't think he sounds sexist at all. She's a stay at home mom, it's basically her job to take care of the kid and the house. Not to say that her husband shouldn't help some, but c'mon...if she's home all day, what takes up every waking moment to where she can't clean up?

Also, if you have an 11 month old crawling around, she might want to mop more than once every two weeks. For real. :sick:

That_Girl

You guys are still in a young relationship. It can be rough. I think it was around year 3 that I realized love doesn't overcome "all". You are almost 30, but she is 24. Our brains are not even fully developed until about age 25. http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24173194 (there's tons of research on this as well).

I was a mom at 22. Not ready, in hindsight, to be anyone's parent. But I did it. I lived with her father for a few years but it was explosive. We were both young. Hardly knew ourselves, let alone had the ability to know each other, LET ALONE raise a child. I stayed home and did the housework and cooked and took care of the baby (I was good at it and I did like it at that time), but something was missing from my life.

I do believe that a good conversation with her is in order. It's tricky though because as a young woman, I remember it being hard to hear 'criticism'...when in reality, it was just the other person's side of the story...their feelings.

Knowing what I know NOW, I would have tried to talk to him more...would have tried to understand more..and not just taken things as personal attacks (but he was also explosive so I don't know how that would have gone). I know that a switch clicked when I turned 35 that made me not really care about these issues as much as I did when I was younger. The things in life that truly matter are the things that don't cost money....family, love, friendships, connections.

Does she feel like you two are a team? Is this what she wants to do forever? Does she have goals and dreams? Perhaps she is feeling like they are dying...even though she loves staying home with the peanut (aww I miss my babies when they were babies...they are 5 and 14).

When you do talk, don't start sentences with "you never" or "you always"...start with "I feel" and "I am thinking". Make it about you, not her.

And honestly, spend one day with the baby alone. My husband never "got it" until he spent a whole day alone with our daughter (who was 14 months at the time). From 8am to 7pm (I had a meeting). I got home and I'll never forget his face LOL or the messy house or the way he sat on the couch after she went to bed...like in a coma. lolol. He just looked at me and said, "Dude.". Yep. Dude.

Life is long if we're lucky. These little frustrations seem SO BIG to us in the moment, but in the big picture, they really aren't-- just so long as you communicate. Be ready for things to get uncomfortable. Be ready to be calm and let her vent (if it happens) and don't take it personally. At 24, I remember it being difficult to know how I was feeling...didn't know how to own it...so a lot of blame was placed on others.

Listen and acknowledge how she feels. I know this can be worked out.

You can also just do your weekly things. You work, she cares for the baby and picks up a bit. Then on Saturdays, bust it all out in 2 or 3 hours...tag team style. You'll get through this. It's all a part of a growing family. Kids grow and it gets easier in some aspects.

TXRanchGirl

So you want her to work during her 3-4 hours of free time, but you are complaining because she asks you to help out during your free time? Maybe y'all should talk about it, nicely and calmly, and decide on a compromise that you both are happy with...

or the housekeeper idea.

Originally before our baby when she was working part time, we had a deal that she would do all the housework except cleaning the kitchen and I would take care of that.

Now that she is not working away from home at all, she wants me(who has taken on extra work hours to survive on a single income) to do more than just clean the kitchen, which I still do daily...

She asks me not to help out, but to do it instead of her...helping is one thing, being a slave entirely different...she also gets all day with our daughter, I get less than 2 hours per day.

Just adding perspective.

OK..I may get flack..but utter shame on your wife..and I am a woman.

I worked out of the house til my son was old enough to go to school..I typed, did filing and answered phones for a business..PLUS in my time I wasnt busy, I did housework and entertained my son.

everyone is different..but the bottomline is, YOU are out making $$..its not to much to ask that she take care of the house..or at least get half of the daily chores done before you get home and then you both can tackle the remainders together. Ever hear that new song "welcome to the real world"...yep..welcome to the real world baby..Breaks? what is that?

My son is older now..but I still have to clean my house, run him around to his various activities AND work 40 hours a week. What I wouldnt give to be able to stay at home, even if working like my previous arrangement when my child was younger, so I COULD get a jump start on chores and not have to squeeze it all in on the weekend, along with other "weekend only" activities..

being a SAHM is a damn gift..I dont care how you spin it...least she can do is help you out while you are out working. is dealing with the kids ALL day tiring? yep..so is working in an office for 8 hours and dealing with the general public..

So flame away..I feel very strongly about this..my opinion wont change..

4daluvof_candice

She's a stay at home mom, it's basically her job to take care of the kid and the house. Not to say that her husband shouldn't help some, but c'mon...if she's home all day, what takes up every waking moment to where she can't clean up?

+100000

Also, if you have an 11 month old crawling around, she might want to mop more than once every two weeks.

My point, if you're not doing all the chores EVERYday, then what gives. What all can possible be done EVERY-freakin'-day other than the basic, sweep(vacuum), dishes, dinner, bathtime? Please..:yawn:

dacspace

The problem and potential resentment is that when you come home, your job is over, and now you can relax. She never gets to do that. She's always on. For people that haven't done it, it's hard to understand. But, imagine being at work everyday all day, never really having a break. Sure, you can go in the break room and have a sandwich, or maybe even a few beers after hours, since there are no customers or bosses around. But, you dont get to just let things go. You are always "on".

It's like that for a SAHM. I'm not saying that they shouldn't keep things clean and tidy. And, that's a very difficult conversation to have. Your standards might be higher than hers. I know that I took care of the babies a few times, and it's not really exhausting, but it's soooooooo boring, that I'd get tired from boredom. I hate watching babies. It's just boring as all hell, and I'd fall asleep on the couch while they're playing with their blocks or whatever. I'm not nurturing. So, for me, it's about what they need. I fulfill the need, and it's the end. LOL. So, it's hard because it sucks. LOL, not because it's actually hard. When I did it, the house was spotless, and dinner was made.

I disagree. You're always "on" as a parent -- so in that respect, yes, there's always children to oversee..

However, it's her job as a SAHM to prioritize her work to get it done efficiently. She has more than enough time, as we all do, at our jobs.

Husband is done with his work, he should be able to relax...not necessarily from being a DAD, but from doing housework, most definitely!

Wife should already have the housework done. She can relax from doing that, if said work is done...from being a MOM, no she must tend to the kids (with the dad) like any/all parents do 24/7.

What she said. To a tee.

YES!

JenniferAutumn

Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.

Spoken like someone who never had PPD.

If she has PPD, then she should be checked by a professional, however the poster states that his wife is not unhappy. And again, if she is, then she should be under Dr.s care.

Swiftlet66

This should be something to maturely discussed between you two without any criticism or blaming. Don't just "go around" the problem. Tell her your feelings but phrase it in a way that won't make her feel victimized (ie. absolutely do not say "you" this or "you" that) but also ask her how she is feeling with staying home and come to a solution together. If this is going to work out, you two have to communicate honestly with one another because that's what a partnership/marriage is about IMO--honesty and good communication. Take charge of solving this problem in a mature manner now and you'll start a good open conversation between you two about any issues that might come up later on in the marriage too.

Iwishyouwell

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: @ "Honey, I will return your luxuries today if I come home to a clean house."

Whoever takes this advice - RIP.

Good call...it would be instant death for me I'm sure... I won't talk like that to my wife. She is my equal, my partner and my soulmate...

Are you certain she sees you the same way?

If she does, why does she feel comfortable nagging you about taking up work that's her job, despite the amount of work you do outside the home?

Frankly you show far more respect and consideration for your wife, at least in this thread, than how you're painting her.

I don't do nagging. So I married a woman who has respect for me, and I for her. There is no such thing as "my wife nagged me to" in our marriage. That, to me, is the definition of a couple who actually does view one another as equals, partners, and soulmates.

What you're describing about your marriage doesn't fit.

That_Girl

I wish I could talk to her. lol. I would teach her about the whirlwind pick up/cleaning that my girlfriends and I did when our children were young.

You can clean all dang day but with kids around, it looks a mess...so we'd start about 45 minutes before husbands got home. House would look fine. Dinner would be simmering. Sometimes, I'd put some flour on my forehead as a joke (my husband knew of my whirlwind pickups )

I'd just put my kiddo in a playpen in the room I was cleaning. Things got done.

I'm just leery of "demanding" she do anything. He's not her boss.

And on a personal level, which you don't need to answer, but how is your sex life? This is also important.

UsedToBeHusky

My suggestion, sit down with her and make out a chore schedule for both of you. Say that you want to make certain that you are doing all you can do to help her, and that you need to know what chores you will cover and what chores she will cover.

Everyone walks away knowing their individual expectations, and happy that they know what the other person will be taking care of for them.

sc003ro

save yourself the headache and hire a housekeeper every 2 weeks.....its $100 around here.....problem solved......merrymaids

That_Girl

Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.

Spoken like someone who never had PPD.

If she has PPD, then she should be checked by a professional, however the poster states that his wife is not unhappy. And again, if she is, then she should be under Dr.s care.

I was 22 with my first baby. I had horrible PPD. I lied my face off about being happy because I was supposed to be happy! Our society makes motherhood into this magical thing and sometimes it's just not. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did and so I lied....smiles and lies. It was exhausting. In reality, I probably needed meds and an honest reality check.

AngelineTheBaker

This thread makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my husband. My husband and I both work, but I have nothing but respect for the sheer and overwhelming workload that a SAHM takes on. I could never do it.

In addition to a workday that never ends and no time to yourself, you have to put up with the fact that your husband now feels you are no longer on equal footing and deserving of equal respect because you don't draw a paycheck. When I was on maternity leave (both times) I got to shower maybe every 3rd day. You can't imagine how involved and exhausting it is to care for a baby.

And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.

I suggest tightening the budget and figuring out a way to get a housekeeper once a week to do the "chores" you feel aren't your responsibility. Your posts reek of entitlement.

BattleTaxi

You both have full time jobs. During your breaks you want to take a BREAK, not work more. Right?

So maybe come to a compromise about doing chores; make a list of who does what. So when you are both taking your breaks from your day "jobs" you can also get some cleaning done around the house.

Housekeeper once in a while is a good idea, you can check groupon and living social for deals. Ask friends, too, sometimes they know a good affordable one. (You'd be surprised how many people sneak in the house keeping people when their other half is out of the house!)

Good luck!

sassyjae21

That sucks . I get it- you don't want to mention it because you don't want to sound like a male chauvinist.

But to be honest, if you are working 12 hours a day and she stays home with baby as a SAHM, that's just part of the territory that comes with it. If that's the life you choose, you should take on all it entails. That includes helping out with chores AND cooking dinner.

I am not a SAHM, nor will I ever be. I have nothing against that lifestyle. To each their own. As a working woman, me and my guy share responsibilities of the house because we both work. If one person stays at home, that person should take care of the house and the kids. Kind of not fair. The work needs to be distributed equally; regardless of who does what, it needs to be done equally.

smiley245

I think part of this may lay with expectations.
How clean do you expect the house to be? How have things changed from pre baby to post baby?
Is she the type who doesn't see messes/untidiness like you see it.

You know her best and to you it seems she is not depressed. Enjoys staying home and does get friend time/alone time and time with you one on one....(that being said,she may still have PPD....We tend to hide it because we're supposed to be happy mommies.)

I'll be honest, I was a SAHM to 2 kids for 7yrs, a Single mom working 2 jobs and a Mom in a "couple". My cleanest home was when I was a single mom. Yes I did it all but it was done to my standards and I had no one else to blame but me. It was hard but it was all one me.

My "easiest" time was being a SAHM, I cooked, I cleaned, took care of the kids and I enjoyed it while my ex husband worked hard to make it happen.

I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years and living together for 2. He does not see messes. What I mean by this is the level of importance he accords to crumbs being on the counter or dust bunnies living on our carpet is none. It doesn't bother him, if it gets cleaned it does if not, there's always tomorrow.

It has been a learning curve. Your lives have been changed by a new baby coming into the house. It changes things. Maybe she views this as her work load increasing not being reduced?
I now have a chore chart, we have daily weekly and monthly chores. It actually has helped.

The best approach is to have an open and honest conversation. No assigning blame or pointing fingers. Being a new parent has increased responsibility for the both of you. "I feel a bit overwhelmed by all of this, how do you feel?" What do you think we can change to make things easier at night/weekend/with chores... Open dialogue helps.

sorry for the novel...

Sharon_C

She prefers to stay home, as long as she gets to be with our daughter. She generally goes out at least once on the weekend for a few hours to volunteer at the local dog rescue.

She is not depressed, very happy actually...

Of course she prefers to stay home! She has the best of both worlds. She gets to take care of and play with the baby all day and you come home and do all the housework. Can I come live with you?

In all seriousness, I was a SAHM for a long time and I knew my responsibilities included cooking and cleaning while my husband worked his butt off to provide for us. My husband has always cleaned the floors (vacuum and mopping) and the bathrooms. I had everything else. But of course if he had a busy week at work I would take over his duties as well. We never even really discussed it because it seemed logical to us.

She needs to wake up and stop being so selfish.

Iwishyouwell

I wish I could talk to her. lol. I would teach her about the whirlwind pick up/cleaning that my girlfriends and I did when our children were young.

You can clean all dang day but with kids around, it looks a mess...so we'd start about 45 minutes before husbands got home. House would look fine. Dinner would be simmering. Sometimes, I'd put some flour on my forehead as a joke (my husband knew of my whirlwind pickups )

I'd just put my kiddo in a playpen in the room I was cleaning. Things got done.

That just sounds smart to me. When a few others in the thread were talking about cleaning up over and over again, just to have the mess reappear, I wondered why they'd waste time on such a fruitless, pointless endeavour.

A "whirlwind pick up" timed just right seems like the perfect remedy.

stefaniemazz

I'm just going to be blunt.

Tell her to clean the damn house or get job.

I understand being a stay at home parent is tough

But my father was a SINGLE father for most of my life, and I have two siblings who at the time were 2 and 8.

He is self employed so he could go to work when he wanted, but he found time to take us to school, take us to our sports, cook and guess what? CLEAN THE HOUSE.

There is no excuse that while your at work for 10 hours a day, she can't take the time out of her day (2 hours at the most) to clean the damn house. That's ridiculous.

_KitKat_

First thank goodness the OP has the respect for his wife not to treat her as a child. If my husband ever dreamed of speaking to me, or "disciplining" me in the ways suggested here......let's just say it wouldn't end well.

I have been a stay at home mom for 14 yrs now. For the last 5, I also work from home doing web design and marketing freelance. For the women here stating being a stay at home mom is extremely hard.....being a parent is really hard, the OP doesn't want out of parenting responsibilities. He wants his house clean after working 10-12 hours, this should be expected.

I have a great husband, who works insane hours and helps with housework. As the one who stays home though, I expect myself to have the household taken care of and dinner cooked, he cooks sometimes...like grilling or what not. In our home.....

Me:
Everything for daily living
Kitchen
Laundry
Vacuuming
Dusting
Mopping
Kids
Pets
Bathroom
Tidying up
Major room cleaning (cabinets, oven, walls, woodwork ect)

Him:
Glass (mirrors, windows etc) ...not because I wont , I just suck at it.
Bath tub.....its sorta 50/50 but he gets nasty from work sometimes and he cleans up after himself.
Trash.....suppose to, but forgets sometimes
Mowing....I will though if his hours are extended.
Home repairs
Garage....that's all his mess

Both:
Big cleaning, before parties or just the normal spring cleaning type thing.


My husband will always help out, even if not asked but over all he works all day and honestly the way I see it.....when he gets home I want family time, and then sexy time....so the house should be on order so we BOTH can relax.

I will say many times if the husband is frustrated he may not see all she does, when my kids were about 6 and 3 they could trash the house in under 5 minutes. My husband came home a few times and started cleaning (I had already done these chores) so I would start again. It pissed me off, finally I looked at him and said " look your making me feel lazy, these things got done....the only way the house will be spotless when you get home, is if I could do it all the half hour prior......just stop, it gets done.). He stopped and as the kids learned the house was always spotless.

Op I read the whole thread and did not see it asked...do you and your wife have different ideas of "clean"? Sometimes that is the true issue and you will have to meet half way on expectations.

I do feel too much is being asked of you, I have days I feel lazy or am sick. My husband will tell be just relax and take some time for yourself. Being the one who stays home means taking care of the house, and if she thinks an 11 month old is hard....what's going to happen when a 3/4 year old terror is running around?

I suggest your honest and blunt....tell her you appreciate the care she gives your daughter, but part of that care is the environment. Also tell her you want to provide for them and give them nice things but the stress of all that being asked of you is too much. Another idea is (when not upset) tell her you think maybe you are not seeing all that she does for the household. Then both sit and make a list of what each of you do. You may be shocked at all she does and she may realize you have much more than a fair share on your list (not to keep score, just to give perspective). Also everyone loves compliments, notice what she does do and comment. Also avoid absolutes..." You never", "you always" ect.

I wish you luck, this is an adjustment for both of you. As a stay at home mom, I did love it....but head time is important as well as adult conversations. I know your daughter is priority number 1, but you need to make sure you are treating your wife as a "wife" not just a mom or homemaker. Talk about interests, not just the baby....almost all anyone talks to her about most likely is the baby and while moms love talking about their kids, they need to realize they are also a grown woman with other interests.

I also take issue when women act like being a stay at home mom is 24/365 and harder than anything in the world. Being a parent is 24/365 and if you have no help than yes that sucks, but this man helps. It is hard and mentally trying, but so is the stress of being a sole provider. She needs to clean more and he needs to state his opinion without anger....if needed he can stop his cleaning, so that she can see what he does...he just would need prepared that she may do that too and may be doing more than he realizes.

I feel for the OP, he should have dinner and a clean (not spotless) house when he comes home....and no this isn't 1950's mentality because if roles were reversed I would feel the same, its doing your share and being a caring spouse.