what is it with my wife?!

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  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    Do you make it a point spend time with your child so she has time to herself?

    Is she happy staying at home?

    Is she depressed?

    Yes, I spend every moment I can with our daughter when I am at home, especially on weekends so she can do what she wants.

    She prefers to stay home, as long as she gets to be with our daughter. She generally goes out at least once on the weekend for a few hours to volunteer at the local dog rescue.

    She is not depressed, very happy actually...


    I'd be depressed if I got a few hours out of the house each week to volunteer with something else that poops outside of a toilet.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    I wish I could talk to her. lol. I would teach her about the whirlwind pick up/cleaning that my girlfriends and I did when our children were young.

    You can clean all dang day but with kids around, it looks a mess...so we'd start about 45 minutes before husbands got home. House would look fine. Dinner would be simmering. Sometimes, I'd put some flour on my forehead as a joke (my husband knew of my whirlwind pickups ;) )

    I'd just put my kiddo in a playpen in the room I was cleaning. Things got done.

    That just sounds smart to me. When a few others in the thread were talking about cleaning up over and over again, just to have the mess reappear, I wondered why they'd waste time on such a fruitless, pointless endeavour.

    A "whirlwind pick up" timed just right seems like the perfect remedy.

    Saturday morning was our day to do bigger cleaning. It worked.
  • JenniferAutumn
    JenniferAutumn Posts: 228 Member
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    Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.

    Spoken like someone who never had PPD.


    If she has PPD, then she should be checked by a professional, however the poster states that his wife is not unhappy. And again, if she is, then she should be under Dr.s care.

    I was 22 with my first baby. I had horrible PPD. I lied my face off about being happy because I was supposed to be happy! Our society makes motherhood into this magical thing and sometimes it's just not. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did and so I lied....smiles and lies. It was exhausting. In reality, I probably needed meds and an honest reality check.

    I am sorry that is an issue you had to deal with. I can only imagine what a horrible feeling that may be. I am only expressing my opinion on what the OP stated.
  • JonnyMacAwesome
    JonnyMacAwesome Posts: 770 Member
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    And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.

    I get up with the baby in the night and bottle feed her when she needs it. She's a pretty good sleeper. My wife is only pumping, latching problems that only got worse with time, but my wife is dedicated to her first year being breast milk even if it's from a bottle.

    My post reeks of entitlement? Wow, you clearly have not read many of my other posts in this thread. Thank you for your time and your narrow minded view on the matter.
  • KatieSvelte
    KatieSvelte Posts: 16
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    Praise her lavishly when she does clean. LOL. having small children is exausting, but so is working 10-12 hours so I am sure you are both tired and a fight is the last thing you want.

    If you make her feel apperciated and know that you do appreciate what she does do you will both be the happier for it. And she just might be motivated to do more around the house. Women crave approval and praise and appreciation from their husband.

    ps. i am sorry you got a hard time from other posters. you dont deserve that. (now I am going to get flamed, lol)
  • Bri_Becq
    Bri_Becq Posts: 146 Member
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    Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later ;)

    I will seek you out when I get married...
  • Ihatecoldsoup
    Ihatecoldsoup Posts: 186
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    I wonder what her excuse will be whenever their child starts going to school...
  • boehle
    boehle Posts: 5,062 Member
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    Become a polygamist and the extra wife can clean :flowerforyou:
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Praise her lavishly when she does clean. LOL. having small children is exausting, but so is working 10-12 hours so I am sure you are both tired and a fight is the last thing you want.

    If you make her feel apperciated and know that you do appreciate what she does do you will both be the happier for it. And she just might be motivated to do more around the house. Women crave approval and praise and appreciation from their husband.

    This is a good suggestion.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    Does your wife know the household budget? Does she see what you do all day? I ask because in her mind, perhaps you just disappear for 12 hours and then come home. Like you've been on vacation all day.

    Do you include her with bill paying? Is it real to her? Did she clean before you had a child? I notice many young people these days don't think it's their job.

    Did she work before? A career? Education? Just questions...
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    As someone who works from home let me tell you, being cooped up in the house all day - sucks.

    There's always the alternative.

    Leave the comforts of your home where you make your own work schedule taking care of people you love who love you back.

    Commute at an arbitrary time each day either risking your life on the road while driving or being crammed into a bus or train with the great unwashed breathing heavily upon you. That might take up 20 minutes. Or up to an hour and a half. Each way.

    Enter an environment surrounded by strangers who don't care about you. Or who, in the worst case scenario but common nonetheless, actively plot to sabotage you. For fun.

    Work ceaselessly in this environment while being closely scrutinized. For at least 8 hours straight but probably more. And where you're as expendable as a used rag.

    Come home. Nurse your psychic wounds. Try to sleep. Wake up. Do it again.

    It's a toss up. I know, I know.

    I love my job as a teacher. I'd not give it up. I was happy to go back to work once my child started daycare.
  • JonnyMacAwesome
    JonnyMacAwesome Posts: 770 Member
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    Do you make it a point spend time with your child so she has time to herself?

    Is she happy staying at home?

    Is she depressed?

    Yes, I spend every moment I can with our daughter when I am at home, especially on weekends so she can do what she wants.

    She prefers to stay home, as long as she gets to be with our daughter. She generally goes out at least once on the weekend for a few hours to volunteer at the local dog rescue.

    She is not depressed, very happy actually...


    I'd be depressed if I got a few hours out of the house each week to volunteer with something else that poops outside of a toilet.

    She chooses to do that because she loves dogs...My wife has a very big heart, she'd bring them all home if I let her.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.

    Spoken like someone who never had PPD.


    If she has PPD, then she should be checked by a professional, however the poster states that his wife is not unhappy. And again, if she is, then she should be under Dr.s care.

    I was 22 with my first baby. I had horrible PPD. I lied my face off about being happy because I was supposed to be happy! Our society makes motherhood into this magical thing and sometimes it's just not. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did and so I lied....smiles and lies. It was exhausting. In reality, I probably needed meds and an honest reality check.

    I am sorry that is an issue you had to deal with. I can only imagine what a horrible feeling that may be. I am only expressing my opinion on what the OP stated.

    Oh I understand. I am just saying that the wife could be lying to him. She thinks she's supposed to be happy. And she is...but not how she thought she would be. All speculation, of course.
  • Raindancer70
    Raindancer70 Posts: 1
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    It's just the way it is. If you agree to be a stay-at-home mother, then your job is 24/7, plain and simple. I have been doing this for 22 years and have worked on and off in between. Believe me, working outside the home is very appealing. You get to dress up, socialize and bring home a pay check. Staying at home isn't very glamorous, but I have enjoyed it. I enjoy the satisfaction of taking care of my home and raising my children. It makes me very proud when my kids come home and tell me how clean our home is. But if a woman doesn't want to stay home and clean, then perhaps she should get a job and hire a housekeeper with the money she makes. :)
  • sjiektallgirl
    sjiektallgirl Posts: 6 Member
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    Call me a female traitor, but here's my opinion:

    My husband and I both studied law, but when we moved to a rural area (for better quality of life) we decided that only one of us are going to practice law. I'm lucky enough to have a part-time job (5 hours a day) and some extra classes I give to school children in the afternoons.

    Labour is quite expensive and we cannot always afford it, but we still decided to get help once a week.

    My friends with little children have the same once a week help I have and they all keep the basic running of the house. All our husbands work until late.

    I think it's a matter of keeping life running smoothly and it shouldn't be looked upon as being sexist.

    I do the basic chores every day - it's really not that much to do in a house anyway. My husband and I cook together, and pack the dishwasher after cooking. That's our time for chatting about our days.

    I have to admit - my husband throws his dirty clothing in the hamper, never leaves a towel lying around, takes mugs to the kitchen, keeps the bathroom tidy, etc. The only thing i can't get him to do is make a bed.

    He insists that I go out for coffee at least once a week with my friends - then I don't mind the general cleaning.

    Last thing: I have manicured nails, and have never been on my knees to clean a floor. So girls, stop this nonsense and bring your part in the partnership.

    I really look forward to the replies!
  • fuhrmeister
    fuhrmeister Posts: 1,796 Member
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    Have an honset conversation. You should allways be able to discuss things with your partner.

    Maybe discuss assignments. I do landry and bathrooms my husband does the dishes and kitchen counters etc. And If he works late I pick up the slack. B/C that is what partners do.

    Good Luck just be calm and honset.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
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    Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.

    Sorry... but yes. SAHM work very hard, no doubt. However, being a full time secretary, full time wife and mom, and full time housekeeper, I have to agree. If you work 10-12 hours a day to provide a situation where she CAN stay at home, she should be taking up the slack around the house. But... that being said, please pick up after YOURSELF. Her doing housework as part of her 'job' should not include carrying your dishes to the sink, or picking up your towels off the floor. :flowerforyou:
  • JonnyMacAwesome
    JonnyMacAwesome Posts: 770 Member
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    Does your wife know the household budget? Does she see what you do all day? I ask because in her mind, perhaps you just disappear for 12 hours and then come home. Like you've been on vacation all day.

    Do you include her with bill paying? Is it real to her? Did she clean before you had a child? I notice many young people these days don't think it's their job.

    Did she work before? A career? Education? Just questions...

    I try to include her with bill paying - she wants none of it, so I take care of the finances too. She does pretty well staying within budget, but I've had to mention it about 1000 times earlier on... I don't care if over budget by 5 cents or 50 bucks...over budget = bad...she gets it very much now and hates that I am so frugal, but understands why.

    She knows all about what I do, but if I dare talk to her about it, her eyes glaze over. (I am an Estimator for one of the largest EPC companies in the world)

    She did clean before our baby - everything but the kitchen, but that's the way she preferred it...she set that premise to me.

    She worked part time before, she dropped out of college in her last semester, I wouldn't really say she had a career, but plenty of employment experience.
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
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    So you want her to work during her 3-4 hours of free time, but you are complaining because she asks you to help out during your free time? Maybe y'all should talk about it, nicely and calmly, and decide on a compromise that you both are happy with...

    or the housekeeper idea. :)

    Originally before our baby when she was working part time, we had a deal that she would do all the housework except cleaning the kitchen and I would take care of that.

    Now that she is not working away from home at all, she wants me(who has taken on extra work hours to survive on a single income) to do more than just clean the kitchen, which I still do daily...

    She asks me not to help out, but to do it instead of her...helping is one thing, being a slave entirely different...she also gets all day with our daughter, I get less than 2 hours per day.

    Just adding perspective.

    OK..I may get flack..but utter shame on your wife..and I am a woman.

    I worked out of the house til my son was old enough to go to school..I typed, did filing and answered phones for a business..PLUS in my time I wasnt busy, I did housework and entertained my son.

    everyone is different..but the bottomline is, YOU are out making $$..its not to much to ask that she take care of the house..or at least get half of the daily chores done before you get home and then you both can tackle the remainders together. Ever hear that new song "welcome to the real world"...yep..welcome to the real world baby..Breaks? what is that?

    My son is older now..but I still have to clean my house, run him around to his various activities AND work 40 hours a week. What I wouldnt give to be able to stay at home, even if working like my previous arrangement when my child was younger, so I COULD get a jump start on chores and not have to squeeze it all in on the weekend, along with other "weekend only" activities..

    being a SAHM is a damn gift..I dont care how you spin it...least she can do is help you out while you are out working. is dealing with the kids ALL day tiring? yep..so is working in an office for 8 hours and dealing with the general public..

    So flame away..I feel very strongly about this..my opinion wont change..


    +1000

    I raised a baby girl from the age of 1 all by myself. I paid every bill, mowed every lawn, dealt with every auto repair, took out every trash, earned all the money, finished my college degree, balanced every check book, took baby to every doctor appointment, every dance practice, every 6am choir practice, wiped every butt, gave every bath, cooked every meal (*or paid when I took us out), cleaned every dish, vacuumed every floor, wiped every counter top, did all laundry, helped with homework, taught cooking and cleaning and other life skills to the child, all while working 40+ hours a week, for all but 6 months of that time when we lived off my savings due to un-employment.

    It's hard to have any ounce of pity on a stay at home.

    Just last night alone I worked 8 hours (plus the hour lunch, and commute) did a load of laundry, did a load of dishes, made dinner, helped my daughter clean her room, took apart and re-assembled the vacuum to that end, vacuumed, and took her swimming afterwards. Than I made her take a bath and tucked her in, took my own candle lit bath, and gave myself a full body oil massage. And that's a NORMAL Wednesday night in my world.

    ETA: She's 10 now, so I've been doing this over 9 years.
  • nbates9254
    nbates9254 Posts: 17 Member
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    I'm reading through the threads - and I feel for you. I've always been a working Mom, my husband a work-a-holic. We've been married 29 years and raised two boys together. I found, after being a neat freak and clean crazy exhausted have no time for my poor husband kind of wife that (1) my house is OK if its clean enough - doesn't need to be sterile. (2) toys on the floor are OK, they'll end up there again tomorrow - cuddle time will be remembered, not a spotless home. (3) none of it is important enough to fight over. Even with no children to take care of now - I do not, DO NOT do housework and laundry during the week. I do it on Saturday - it takes me about 4 hours and I have a pretty good size house and average 6 loads of laundry. I do the "inside" stuff, he does the "outside" stuff. The rule of the kitchen - he who does not cook cleans up after. Share bath time and tucking in and reading - one of you has a few minutes of down time while the other bathes, then switch off.
    I agree, that as a "stay at home mom" the traditional "housewife" rules should apply, but again, it's not worth fighting over. Hope it helps -

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