Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.
Replies
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Wow that's real deep ... first of all , YOU HAVE DONE AMAZING TO GIVE BIRTH TO 4 KIDS! WELL DONE!
SECONDLY,Your husband may be being honest but making you feel insecure by saying hes no longer finding you physically attractive anymore is just not right ... he should be helping you lose the weight ... for example; what to eat and not what to eat, little exercises to do now and then when you have the time together.
You have had 4 kids its not that easy to get back to your previous shape ... he should understand that... But one thing I would suggest is to take the negative words said by your husband or anybody else as motivation to push you to get up and do that exercise ... just let the words play in your head as you sit there feeling unmotivated to do any exercise .... that should give you the extra drive to prove those people wrong and get moving!
Its easier said than done I know but you can do it girl! Just take each day at a time
Should he have just lied to her then?
OP I'm glad you and your husband can communicate honestly, even if it stings. Please get healthier for yourself and for your children. The rest will follow.
Ps I think you're pretty.
No one said he should lied to her ... there's a way of putting things without making your woman feel like **** ...As a husband, you should come to your woman on a decent level and think of ways together of how to help her get back in shape ... not just telling her point blank shes unattractive ... that's ****ed up... Don't rate that **** at all ... well that's my opinion.0 -
Clift notes for all who have not read.....
-Not a husband, BF of 1.5 years
-3 kids from previous, 1 baby from him
- the first 3 are not his daughters "real" siblings.(assuming because their not his...WTF)
- his older child is a "real" sibling
- he doesn't like her weight, boobs, or nether regions
-she laughs about how he treats the kids
- says how great it is he is honest (I value honesty but this guy is an *kitten*)
-when people say he sounds like a psycho because of the way he treats the kids, OP laughed and says yep he says he's a psycho and I have called him that.
- She is early 20's
-She makes comments..."that we would all freak if we knew how he treated her son" then laughs.
Weight and honesty are not the issues of this thread.0 -
Thank you everyone for your supportive comments.
I'm going to end this thread by answering a few repetitive posts.
My children come first! always! I'm a package deal and hes fine with that. Hes finally said that he will step up.
My weight. I will do it for myself and my children. they're a real handful and its so hard to keep up with them without huffing and puffing.
I am in a mature relationship, i understand completely that i was being an immature high school girl with the argument of who is better looking, it was done on purpose.
I insisted on his honesty, and so he gave me his honesty. I"m not trying to side with him but hes always been very blunt and honest also hes not very good with words. He does not empathize very well.
Overall the truth hurts, having told that by someone that supposed to love me is difficult to take in.
For the first time, last night he told me he was proud of me... proud that i exercised for 2 days! as a ridiculous as it may sound 2 days isn't a lot, it still made me feel so much better and he sounded very sincere.
I'm also looking up online, how to eat healthy, what micro nutrients are, good carbs/bad carbs, ect.
Thank you all again.0 -
@trici Love and physical attraction have nothing to do with eachother. Now both loving and being physically attracted to the same person is amazing but you can definitely have one without the other. You can absolutely love a SO without being attracted to them anymore(although in this case I think he is simply a a-hole).0
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Clift notes for all who have not read.....
-Not a husband, BF of 1.5 years
-3 kids from previous, 1 baby from him
- the first 3 are not his daughters real siblings.
- his older child is a real sibling
- he doesn't like her weight, boobs, or nether regions
-she laughs about how he treats the kids
- says how great it is he is honest (I value honesty but this guy is an *kitten*)
-when people say he sounds like a psycho because of the way he treats the kids, OP laughed and says yep he says he's a psycho and I have called him that.
- She is early 20's
-She makes comments..."that we would all freak if we knew how he treated her son" then laughs.
Weight and honesty are not the issues of this thread.
- ok
- yes
- apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
- apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
- we both don't like my weight, we both don't like my boobs, hes clarified that hes fine with it and he didn't mean it the way i said it.
- I do not.
- honesty is the best policy
- his views are insane, but he will learn to be open minded
- late 20's, i'm 26
- a lot of people think that because hes a step parent he should not be disciplinary toward any of them < these people would freak.0 -
@trici Love and physical attraction have nothing to do with eachother. Now both loving and being physically attracted to the same person is amazing but you can definitely have one without the other. You can absolutely love a SO without being attracted to them anymore(although in this case I think he is simply a a-hole).
I also think he can be an a-hole sometimes.
But i know he loves me, hes not the cheating type.
When i first met him, i didn't find him attractive but i fell in love with him anyway. would that be the same thing?
he doesn't find me attractive (hes clarified that he does) yet he still loves me?0 -
I think my husband does too but he respects me enough to NOT come out and say it. instead he encourages me! He supports me and my choice to do everything healthier. There are some things you just dont say and telling youre significant other theyre fat or unattractive due to weight gain is just wrong in my opinion. Be supportive, dont be a shallow Hal!! He should encourage you and JOIN you in your healthier lifestyle! He should care about you being HEALTHY, NOT your appearance!!0
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First of all you've got to do this for you not for him, no matter how much you love him.
Here is a ginormous brain dump... I'm sure all the other MFPers are sick of seeing this already, but it's what helped me so I like to share it....
The good news is you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be better.
++Track for a week or two before worrying about losing. This way you'll see where you really stand, odds are it is different than where you thought you were, which is actually good news...
++Be scrupulously honest... you can lie to your friends, you can lie in your diary, you can lie to yourself, but YOUR BODY KNOWS EVERYTHING YOU EAT. So you might as well be honest in your diary (keep it private if you like) but you need that info because you can't get where you are going if your are not honest about where you are right now.
++See where you can make small changes on things that aren't so important to you.
(Don't even think of taking chocolate out of my diet!!!)
--Reducing quantities
--Swapping out things instead of eliminating them.
++Focus on what you should eat not what your shouldn't.
Eating your nutritious foods first. Your body will be more satisfied and have less cravings.
++Small sustainable changes.
If you completely revamp your diet, it's way easy to revert to old ways in times of stress. (and who doesn't have stress?)
If you make a series of small changes, food still offers you some sense of comfort, sort of a comfort continuum, and after a while the first small changes will seem comforting in themselves. Also rather than having to think about everything all the time. You only have to think about a 2 or 3 new things to focus on.
++Rather than being uberstrict with the target MFP set for me. (I swear this saved my life.) I was happier once I gave myself a range:
ROCK BOTTOM: 1200 cal
TARGET: MFP Calories for lose 1 lb a week (when that hit 1200 I changed to lose 1/2 lb per week)
TOP OF RANGE: Maintain Calories for my GOAL Weight.
(SAFETY VALVE: Maintain Calories for CURRENT Weight - remember to keep updating this number as you lose)
++Only worry about it 1 lb at a time.
Forget I *NEED* to lose 20, 30, 50, 100 lbs. I'm only worried about 1 lb the next one. I'll worry about the others later.
Once I found ways to lessen the stress, I found it way easier to focus on the process and let the results follow. (It's what worked for me some people need the stress to get them motivated. Me I get scared and overwhelmed and don't see the big goal as achievable. )
++Think of losing weight like the stock market. Yes, there will be fluctuations but as long as the overall trend is the the right direction don't worry
Food is not the enemy. You need nutrition to fuel your body and make it strong. and healthy just feels so damn good.
Most vitamins are fat soluable... so remember to include plant and fish based fats (HAPPY FATS) so you can access the nutrients in your food.
All of your foods fall into 1 or more of 3 macro nutrient categories
FATS • CARBS • PROTEINS ... I personally think it's unwise to severely restrict any one of these categories.
Instead of eliminating or limiting quantity focus on the quality...
HAPPY FATS (Plant and fish bases)
COMPLEX CARBS (un or minimally processed)
LEAN PROTEINS
Oddly enough, on my journey here I've reduced guilt over food.
I have the occasional treat and I fully enjoy it with no guilt involved.
The thing is since I'm not eating crap all the time, now the occasional treat is just that a TREAT it's special and I enjoy it so much more than when I was unconsciously shovel junk food into my face.
This very helpful thank you
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I think my husband does too but he respects me enough to NOT come out and say it. instead he encourages me! He supports me and my choice to do everything healthier. There are some things you just dont say and telling youre significant other theyre fat or unattractive due to weight gain is just wrong in my opinion. Be supportive, dont be a shallow Hal!! He should encourage you and JOIN you in your healthier lifestyle! He should care about you being HEALTHY, NOT your appearance!!
I agree. 0 -
He's the unattractive one. You should make him wear a mask.0
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This is a HOT topic. Try your best and get help,keep the relationship going!0
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Hi everyone,
this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive!
He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
I need help! I need to get fit!
I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
I admire your honesty about yourself because too many woman feel being bigger woman is ok-well it is-if you want to die early and if you can help it that is strictly in those terms is what i meant..Vanity wise it shouldn't matter what size you are he should love you unconditionally. A bigger woman IS ok but their is a heavy price to pay(no pun intended) He wants you girl around for the long haul. That means he wants you be healthy also. because being smaller has its prices but also its perks. you feel like a million dollars when you are in shape, have energy, feel and look GENUINELY confident and you are worth it. He should accept you but knowing that he accepts you in any way shape or form can be a real motivation and should make you wanna go off at the gym and in the kitchen! I say good for you and keep it up and do something about it an not just say it and lastly do it for yourself ! It is very worth it-just think of all the ever expensive and growing costs of medical bills so if you want to stay out of that dreadful doctors office and avoid hearing life threatening health conditions your doctor may find about you then you have my full support! But don't let him think he should leave you just for this. We can't change each other-we can only change ourselves and only if we want to. you aren't the one to make him happy as well as it is not his duty to make you happy. its our soul responsibility. May God bless you on your journey to wellness!0 -
My boyfriend told me I was the biggest woman he's ever been with...that alone was my motivation!! However, I knew I needed to lose, he was just the final push to move forward with weight loss...
I too had 4 babies, yep it takes a toll on our bodies...remind him he had no problems making your body look that way, if only men experience what we do...hmpft. I hope you find your own drive whether it be the kids, him, or even looking at your parents as they age and how awful they age...lots of my own reasons to push. God luck!!0 -
You know, when my hub told me I was fat, ugly and disgusting (separate times over several years) it wasn't motivating. In fact, it did the opposite. A few years ago a someone told me that I am worth it and that I deserve to take the time it takes to care about me.
So, here is me telling you, you are worth the time and effort it is going to take to feel good again. I promise. Do it for YOU. Not for him. Do it despite his 'honest' words and blah blah blah. YOU are worth it.
Good luck to you. :flowerforyou:0 -
My boyfriend told me I was the biggest woman he's ever been with...that alone was my motivation!! However, I knew I needed to lose, he was just the final push to move forward with weight loss...
I too had 4 babies, yep it takes a toll on our bodies...remind him he had no problems making your body look that way, if only men experience what we do...hmpft. I hope you find your own drive whether it be the kids, him, or even looking at your parents as they age and how awful they age...lots of my own reasons to push. God luck!!
Excllent job! Woman with kids who are losing weight need special praise and need it often for the hard wok they went through!!! well done, well done to all who have done this. it is very important to stay in shape and stay out the doctors office.0 -
Clift notes for all who have not read.....
-Not a husband, BF of 1.5 years
-3 kids from previous, 1 baby from him
- the first 3 are not his daughters real siblings.
- his older child is a real sibling
- he doesn't like her weight, boobs, or nether regions
-she laughs about how he treats the kids
- says how great it is he is honest (I value honesty but this guy is an *kitten*)
-when people say he sounds like a psycho because of the way he treats the kids, OP laughed and says yep he says he's a psycho and I have called him that.
- She is early 20's
-She makes comments..."that we would all freak if we knew how he treated her son" then laughs.
Weight and honesty are not the issues of this thread.
- ok
- yes
- apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
- apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
- we both don't like my weight, we both don't like my boobs, hes clarified that hes fine with it and he didn't mean it the way i said it.
- I do not.
- honesty is the best policy
- his views are insane, but he will learn to be open minded
- late 20's, i'm 26
- a lot of people think that because hes a step parent he should not be disciplinary toward any of them < these people would freak.
The comment on laughing about how he treats the kids, was you laughed in the reply you made. So i should have worded it you laughed when describing the demeaning behavior he shows towards the kids.
I am glad he knows he is wrong and you guys talked.
You are the one who implied and stated he doesn't treat your kids well....that is a red flag and deal breaker for a mom.
Honesty is best, but the way you described it, he was nitpicking everything. That is not honesty that is being a bully. I am someone for the SO telling someone when they changed too much and if attraction is waning but that is not what you described.
You also spoke of his lack of support. I am glad he said he is proud of you.
Discipline has nothing to do with the behavior you were describing.
Age oops, just knew you were dealing with a lot at a young age
Honestly if he was just misrepresented here, then I hope every thing works. MFP is a great source of knowledge.
If even half of what you stated/or implied was true to how he is. He is showing his true colors very early and it will only get worse and more dangerous (emotionally/physically) for you and your kids. You can say you put the kids first, but if this man has ever said they are not the babies real siblings within the home where they may hear....at that moment you did not put them first. Kids know a lot more than we give them credit for. Any daughters you have should not believe a man behaves this way and any sons should not think his behavior is to be replicated in anyway.
You may not like what others here have observed, but it is how you represented him. I truly wish you and yours the best. Please though view the comments you made about this man and take the advice that you would have given a friend. You are a beautiful girl and most likely have great kids, you guys deserve the best.0 -
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I'm sorry but I can't read anymore... started this thread yesterday and see it's still going today. I read that you say "I'm in a mature relationship":huh:
One and a half years is not long term by any stretch of the imagination...it's a very short term relationship.. perhaps it doesn't feel like that in your 20's. If he's like this already with you and your children... what will he be like to all of you in 5 years? 10 years? 6 months from now?
I agree with others, I do think (hope) you'll find as you gain back your sense of self and self esteem that it's very possible he will not be in your life much longer, which doesn't sound like a bad thing for either of you. You sound far more mature than he does but you sound very very young and not terribly mature. Be a Mother to your 4 children (or as you all put it 1 real child and 3 fake ones??:noway: :brokenheart: ) or 5 actually by the sounds of it, counting him. He sounds quite immature and how you all treat the children now will effect them the rest of their lives. Can we say therapy?
If 3 feel unloved because they are not real, what does that tell the 'real' child ... ...this whole thing is MESSED UP!:brokenheart:
It's sad, annoying to read all the excuses you've made up for not just him but yourself as well. You are parents to young children, time to grow up and stop being selfish.:indifferent:
I don't see what on earth this has to do with weight at all... it's rather like reading a scary novel where you know it won't be a happy ending.:noway:
I hope the children make it through all this...0 -
Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
Completely Agree. I would rather be told the truth. Sounds like motivation enough for me... Good for you. He should do everything to help you and motivate you as well. He will have to understand your body did bare these kids, his didnt, and should be understanding of you not looking like you did the day yall met.0 -
I just want to say that the way you are handling this is admirable.
I think that we should all be honest in your relationships, even when honesty hurts. That apparently is not the norm here.
I do realize you didn't ask for marital advice.
Now, I wish you nothing but the best in your goals.
My advice is simple, and that is eat a little less, move a little more.
Get out and walk/jog/run with your husband and kids
Take a few weeks and track everything that you are eating, and figure out where you can cut some calories.
Take it slow, it's not a race.
& good luck.
This ^^0 -
I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
Applause for you man, that's how you motivate someone.0 -
Not an easy conversation you had. The best motivation would be to do it for yourself, if you find yourself unattractive then it is your motivation. Your goal, your journey. Take it one step at a time and make some changes that you can live with for the rest of your life. Good luck
THIS^^
My wife told me the same thing and I was pissed because it means conditional love. Just do it for you.0 -
Hi everyone,
this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive! He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
I need help! I need to get fit!
I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
I admire your honesty about yourself because too many woman feel being bigger woman is ok-well it is-if you want to die early and if you can help it that is strictly in those terms is what i meant..Vanity wise it shouldn't matter what size you are he should love you unconditionally. A bigger woman IS ok but their is a heavy price to pay(no pun intended) He wants you girl around for the long haul. That means he wants you be healthy also. because being smaller has its prices but also its perks. you feel like a million dollars when you are in shape, have energy, feel and look GENUINELY confident and you are worth it. He should accept you but knowing that he accepts you in any way shape or form can be a real motivation and should make you wanna go off at the gym and in the kitchen! I say good for you and keep it up and do something about it an not just say it and lastly do it for yourself ! It is very worth it-just think of all the ever expensive and growing costs of medical bills so if you want to stay out of that dreadful doctors office and avoid hearing life threatening health conditions your doctor may find about you then you have my full support! But don't let him think he should leave you just for this. We can't change each other-we can only change ourselves and only if we want to. you aren't the one to make him happy as well as it is not his duty to make you happy. its our soul responsibility. May God bless you on your journey to wellness!
Well said, thank you :flowerforyou:0 -
I was a stay at home mom when I left my abusive husband. I found a home and a job. PLEASE THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN AND LEAVE HIM NOW!!!0
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I'm sorry but I can't read anymore... started this thread yesterday and see it's still going today. I read that you say "I'm in a mature relationship":huh:
One and a half years is not long term by any stretch of the imagination...it's a very short term relationship.. perhaps it doesn't feel like that in your 20's. If he's like this already with you and your children... what will he be like to all of you in 5 years? 10 years? 6 months from now?
I agree with others, I do think (hope) you'll find as you gain back your sense of self and self esteem that it's very possible he will not be in your life much longer, which doesn't sound like a bad thing for either of you. You sound far more mature than he does but you sound very very young and not terribly mature. Be a Mother to your 4 children (or as you all put it 1 real child and 3 fake ones??:noway: :brokenheart: ) or 5 actually by the sounds of it, counting him. He sounds quite immature and how you all treat the children now will effect them the rest of their lives. Can we say therapy?
If 3 feel unloved because they are not real, what does that tell the 'real' child ... ...this whole thing is MESSED UP!:brokenheart:
It's sad, annoying to read all the excuses you've made up for not just him but yourself as well. You are parents to young children, time to grow up and stop being selfish.:indifferent:
I don't see what on earth this has to do with weight at all... it's rather like reading a scary novel where you know it won't be a happy ending.:noway:
I hope the children make it through all this...
Oh no! i never tell my kids that! EVER! they're all brothers and sisters no matter who the father is and they know that.
back to the actual topic. As i have been exercising i found that my kids are my motivation. We did the fit test together for the Insanity videos and they were fantastic little motivators. my 7 year old wants to do zumba today, so thats what we're doing! :P Thank you for your input.0 -
Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.
Should he have lied?
Completely Agree. I would rather be told the truth. Sounds like motivation enough for me... Good for you. He should do everything to help you and motivate you as well. He will have to understand your body did bare these kids, his didnt, and should be understanding of you not looking like you did the day yall met.
Exactly, i dont like lies or white lies or sugar coating for that matter. A part of me was expecting him to lie but what help would that do? I did insist on him to tell me. so its my fault? Anywho, all other matter can be dealt with with some therapy maybe or (a good slap in the face) a good talking to.0 -
At first I thought maybe this dude isn't all that bad, but after reading about his other gripes about the OP's body I want to punch him in the face. I gotta stop reading this thread. Any dude who wants their woman to get implants is not even a real f*ucking person in my eyes, let alone a man deserving of any woman, sorry. It's just so damn shallow and gross. Why would anybody want to alter themselves with surgery unless it's reconstructive? What is wrong with this world???? Sorry 0
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If he says he's not attracted to you now imagine what he will say when you get old? I personally don't think he loves you. When you love someone you love EVERYTHING even if there are flaws also. Besides he's the one who impregnated you so he has to deal with it that you've gained a bit of wait while having your beautiful kids. This guy pisses me off. What a douche!!0
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You need to do it for yourself before doing it for anyone else. Weight loss has more benefits than just looking better. You'll feel better and be healthier.0
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I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...
I agree. He should not have said that. He should have just tried to help her in her journey to lose for her reasons and in the long run he would benefit withour her even knowing it was a problem for him.
You came to the right place OP! Take it a step at a time, a meal at a time. You will reach what ever goal you set for yourself!
:drinker: :flowerforyou: 0
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