Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

eaglelakebill

A real man looks to what he can change within himself
during challenging times in a relationship!

Ella1882

Ishatar: If your husband is sending messages to his girlfriends, I think the problem is with him, not with you. Every relationship is complicated, but, still, if your husband has girlfriends I'd say he's bailed out. If he were a good man, a little extra weight on his wife would never lead him to cheat.

And, unless you are 3 feet tall, maxing out at 140 lbs after kids isn't heavy at all.

*Edited to address message to specific user.

ELM70CA

What will happen when you age? We all get old or sometimes sick and change physically. Do it for yourself.

ishtar163

Ishatar: If your husband is sending messages to his girlfriends, I think the problem is with him, not with you. Every relationship is complicated, but, still, if your husband has girlfriends I'd say he's bailed out. If he were a good man, a little extra weight on his wife would never lead him to cheat.

And, unless you are 3 feet tall, maxing out at 140 lbs after kids isn't heavy at all.

*Edited to address message to specific user.

Yes, the problem is with him, that was part of my point. He seeks an exit rather than help when there are relationship issues, but I didn't think airing all that was particularly relevant to this thread. You are right, so thank you, but this isn't about me.

And I'm 5'2", so I am really very short.

Ella1882

Ishtar: Eh. I'm American, so to me 5'2 and 140 lbs is normal. Not ideal, maybe, but normal.

Regardless, I'm happy to hear you're not blaming yourself for your husband's issues.

That_Girl

You can instantly lose 180 pounds.

Drop the boyfriend/husband.

I have been in similar situation with someone. I would NEVER say their body size was unattractive. Just started eating healthier. Why? Because I LOVED that person.

biscuit71

Perhaps he should've been the one to carry and give birth to FOUR kids!

There's other ways he can motivate you besides telling you he's not physically attracted to you. Positive reinforcement.

He looks like he could use some improvements too. Nobody is perfect. True beauty is on the inside and I think you are beautiful just by seeing your profile picture.

Do it for yourself and your children. Not to be pretty in his eyes. The important thing is being healthy. The best gift we can give our children is longevity.

Good luck!

AliceSwarthout

Ishatar: If your husband is sending messages to his girlfriends, I think the problem is with him, not with you. Every relationship is complicated, but, still, if your husband has girlfriends I'd say he's bailed out. If he were a good man, a little extra weight on his wife would never lead him to cheat.

And, unless you are 3 feet tall, maxing out at 140 lbs after kids isn't heavy at all.

*Edited to address message to specific user.

Yes, the problem is with him, that was part of my point. He seeks an exit rather than help when there are relationship issues, but I didn't think airing all that was particularly relevant to this thread. You are right, so thank you, but this isn't about me.

And I'm 5'2", so I am really very short.

And gorgeous! look at you...

Melnjoku

Some people agree with him some don't, all I can say is this, at my heaviest I was 298lbs and current I am 220lbs and still losing. My husband has always said I was beautiful never once said I was unattractive and that is why we got married because I love him for who he is and he loves me for who I am and to me that's true love.

Flab2Fab27

I don't think he's a douche for being honest. Physical attraction is important and it's not uncommon to "let yourself go" once comfortable. Im guilty of that and at the time it also affected my confidence and overall mood which also affected our relationship.

With that said, figure out your TDEE and create a moderate deficit (20% is what is usually recommended). Find activities you like doing and just go out and do them. Even if it's not the gym, walking, biking, rollerblading,etc.

MyChocolateDiet

I would never say that to my wife, even if it were true... That's ****ed up, I would find a way to motivate her more, not put her self esteem down to the ground.... Its just not cool! Hey listen, there's men that like big woman, so if he goes, you'll find someone better...

QFT. My hubs knows it's true but has too much respect for me to say something that harsh.

That being said, everyone's marriage and values are different so I'd like to start out by offering OP a hug because that must have been HARD to hear. When you are ready to get started read the "path to sexypants" thread.

it will have all the ideas in a way that you can understand. you can do this! for you, your kids, and your husband. I'm sure you all deserve it.:flowerforyou:

sarahrosheen

You need to find out why you're overeating and not exercising. Low self-esteem? Trauma in your life? etc.
Then lose the weight for nobody but YOURSELF!

Zekou

I've been dumped by a guy because of the way I looked. He was once overweight and he lost all the weight really fast so I wasn't good enough for him anymore. And i wanted to lose all the weight so he would like me again. It didn't happen, I ended up getting even bigger. Long story short, I found a beautiful handsome man who fell in love with me at my heaviest. We're still together and he doesn't even notice I changed that much because he loves me for me not the amount of fat I have. You deserve love and support from your significant other. It's cool he's being honest but still, you should do this for you and only you.

tmorris54

I have given birth to only 2 kids; and I have a hard time keeping it off, but my husband would never tell me that. We have been married going on 36 years and I never heard those words come out of his mouth. You have had 4 kids and that put alot on your body and it sometime hard for us to loose that weigh after having kids. He might think he's helping by saying that, but little does he know. your a beatiufly person and he needs to see that.:flowerforyou:

amusedmonkey

I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...

He wants you to get breast implants and talks poorly about loose skin in your lower abdomen/pelvic area? No ma'am. Those are normal changes that come with having four children. This is not normal. What will he do when you lose weight and you still have asymmetrical breasts and loose skin?

I think honesty is something that is important when speaking to your significant other. But this is something you need to really think about. This man wants you to alter who you are surgically because he is unhappy with how your body looks. THATS NOT OK and you should be glad he was honest with you because now you know how he really feels.

You do not need to change yourself for that man.

This goes far beyond your weight. This man is not right for you if the only way your body will attract him is through surgery. PERIOD! And honestly, I am glad that I can count on my husband to be honest with me. But he would never say something like this to me. Ever. And if he did I would be reevaluating our relationship. Your self esteem is suffering because of this man, and you do not deserve that.

Best of luck.

I admit I somehow skipped that post. If this is the case, I'm changing my opinion. He does sound like someone who will never accept you the way you are. The abuse will only grow from there! If he had these issues with you in the past why did he marry you and have a child with you? (I mean your breast did not suddenly change shape after you met him and after 3 kids when he met you, you already had loose skin)

I'm sensing someone who is no longer interested in you and is venting out hurtful things. It already looks like something that is not going to last. Do yourself and your kids a favor and look elsewhere. You do not need to be insecure about these issues. This is you, and the other person can take it or leave it. You don't subject yourself to surgery and all the health and financial risks that come with it for someone else, especially someone who obviously won't be staying.

Selee1987

I read through all the comments. took me a while.
but i want to say Thank you everyone for all your support, I didn't think it was much of a big topic but you guys proved me wrong.

I do, however, know the type of man/boy he is. He upsets me at times but other times hes the sweetest guy in the world. Our relationship is great.... when we're not arguing about the kids (which is rare)

He is really open about his honesty and is really blunt even though it does sting a little.

After reading all of your comments last night, he came home around 1am from work. I decided to have a talk with him about the conversation.

As calmly as i could i said "I appreciate your honesty and the way you feel about my body, i'm going to use it as fuel to motivate me to lose weight" I gave him a taste of his own medicine like Mr. ceasar suggested. "Once i lose weight we'll be like those couples who one is too attractive than the other, since i'm already beautiful.. ya know" lol He looked at me like 'wtf' (he had commented on some girl who has an ugly husband and yet shes beautiful, and says he doesnt understand why that is) So i threw that in his face.
He was in disbelief and what upset me was that he was saying that im WRONG! that it would be the other way around. but i stuck to it. i said NO! i said " other people don't think youre THAT good looking at all!, if anything i'm better looking than you despite my physical appearance" He tried to deny the fact that i was right, i even threw in there; "so you think your better looking than me? you think i'm ugly now?" he said no.. of course not.

he was hurt! kept asking him 'whats wrong?" him; nothing... 20 minutes later.. "i'm sorry" i said "for what", him " i'm upset that people dont find me attractive"............ omg guy wow!

The conversation had continued on but bottom line, i'm glad he feels that way, immature as it may be i hope he understand the way I felt.

I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.

matchbox_girl

So. If my husband ever said that to me, I'd smack him. And then leave and find someone who doesn't constantly judge me.

matchbox_girl

I read through all the comments. took me a while.
but i want to say Thank you everyone for all your support, I didn't think it was much of a big topic but you guys proved me wrong.

I do, however, know the type of man/boy he is. He upsets me at times but other times hes the sweetest guy in the world. Our relationship is great.... when we're not arguing about the kids (which is rare)

He is really open about his honesty and is really blunt even though it does sting a little.

After reading all of your comments last night, he came home around 1am from work. I decided to have a talk with him about the conversation.

As calmly as i could i said "I appreciate your honesty and the way you feel about my body, i'm going to use it as fuel to motivate me to lose weight" I gave him a taste of his own medicine like Mr. ceasar suggested. "Once i lose weight we'll be like those couples who one is too attractive than the other, since i'm already beautiful.. ya know" lol He looked at me like 'wtf' (he had commented on some girl who has an ugly husband and yet shes beautiful, and says he doesnt understand why that is) So i threw that in his face.
He was in disbelief and what upset me was that he was saying that im WRONG! that it would be the other way around. but i stuck to it. i said NO! i said " other people don't think youre THAT good looking at all!, if anything i'm better looking than you despite my physical appearance" He tried to deny the fact that i was right, i even threw in there; "so you think your better looking than me? you think i'm ugly now?" he said no.. of course not.

he was hurt! kept asking him 'whats wrong?" him; nothing... 20 minutes later.. "i'm sorry" i said "for what", him " i'm upset that people dont find me attractive"............ omg guy wow!

The conversation had continued on but bottom line, i'm glad he feels that way, immature as it may be i hope he understand the way I felt.

I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.

Honey, I really hope you will consider leaving him and finding a better man for yourself.

Selee1987

anyone else responding to this really needs to read the whole thread... it isn't about weight loss at all... boyfriend is a douche waffle...

Preach. Yes dear lawwwwwd. Preach!

I think it started out asking for weight loss advice, but turned into a general discussion about the douchecanoe and that there are bigger issues as play.

It evolved didnt it. lol. sorry guys.

ChelseaWelseyKins

I've gone through (almost) the same situation. Granted I haven't had kids and wasn't really overweight, but my Marine fiance confessed to me that he thought I was a little overweight and maybe needed to drop some lbs and tone up. I took it hard at first, I didn't see anything wrong with myself.
But my model friend, who I thank GREATLY, showed me this website and app. I then started browsing Pinterest for recipes, motivation, and everything in between. I basically looked up everything I know now in order to drop weight, and now I've lost 7lbs in a month and toned up a little. There's still more progress to be done, but with the right resources ANYONE can do it.

Try browsing a little and make up your own exercise plan. Mine goes Monday - Legs, Tuesday - Arms, Wednesday - Abs, Thursday - Rest, Friday - Legs, Saturday - Arms, Sunday - Abs

You can figure out your own workout by just looking good ones up. I also throw in a little yoga on the side or on rest days to kind of de-stress and still work out and stretch.



However, honey, don't do this for him. You need to do it for YOU. He seems like a giant *kitten*, considering what I've read from you.
Though my fiance confessed to me, he's actually helping me push through and telling me how great I'm doing. You need someone to help you, not throw you down.
I won't tell you that you need to drop your man, but anything poisonous in your life will NOT help you lose weight or be HEALTHY.
Healthy is what matters. Skinny is not.