Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

rausharvey

Hey.
I'm all for wanting to be fit and healthy and to look better. Isn't that they we're all doing this? For health and to look hot?

But you worth more than just sex. Your value isn't in how good you look physically. You gotta find your motivation deep within

gardenschooler

I haven't read this whole thread, but I don't think I would be very motivated by being told I was unattractive. I have four kids also, have doubled my initial weight (over decades), and my husband tells me every day I am beautiful (that isn't all that motivating, either, but still....).

Not all guys are like this one. Spend some time working on being kind to yourself, and you will be ready for a good one someday (and NOT because you weigh less). Good luck to you.

annasr08

when i read the op i though to myself, hey thats actually a pretty healthy relationship where you two can be honest with each other even though it can hurt but as a i read more and more...yeah this guy is pretty horrible. If after a year plus he wont except your kids he neverwill and will treat them like trash. the things he says about your body isnt right. Normally i would say work it but with the kids involved just move on. Just my two cents

I was the same way. I was actually ready to defend him. Until I read more of the thread. Slowly, it started to unravel.

I doubt the guy's a psychopath by actual definition of the term, but he seems to be - at least a little - narcissistic. Seriously. Telling her children that they're not real brothers and sisters? Yikes. I have a half brother. He is as much my brother as my sisters are my sisters! And if anyone ever told me otherwise, I'd kick them in the knee.

I think this guy is making us all feel a little violent lol

bciloveme2014

I'm sorry but he sounds immature to be saying stuff like "I wish it were just you and me." Too bad! You're a package deal.

And you were lucky he would accept your asymetrical breasts? :noway: He might have unrealistic expectations of what a woman's body looks like.

Getting healthy (& losing weight) needs to be for you. Only you! But he should be supporting you with action not by being negative.

Just losing weight will not fix all the problems.

I see trouble in your relationship with him, I think he is preparing everything to end the relationship with you. If you loose the weight he is going to tell you next that he does not love you anymore.

HanamiDango

OP, you really need to focus more on if this is the right relationship for you. His daughter from a previous relationship and your kids from a previous relationship are the baby you share together half-siblings. Both are part of this new baby's family. Now, if you want to lose weight, work it into your life. One of the biggest challenges will be the stress of what you really want with this relationship and if you decided to leave trying to do it all on your own. I think no matter what, you have to want to lose weight and you have to want to make time for yourself to do so and eat within your calorie limit. If you do want to lose weight, there is so much great information here and I do wish you luck!! :flowerforyou:

As far as common law marriage, Texas does in fact allow them. It does not matter how long you live together, but if both of you act married, like signing a lease together as a husband and wife. My parents were common law married.

ETA: I also think if you lose the weight, he will find something else wrong with you. Sounds like he really does not want to be with you. I know that sucks to read.

tihi18

I read a bit of a thread. And honestly if he told her with tact then as much it hurts its best that she knows, ignorance is not bliss. While sex and attraction are not the only reason to be married they play a part. A man that is not attracted to his wife will either end up cheating or miserable. He can love her all he wants but eventually she will feel like a room mate. I personally would have appreciated my husband suggesting we work out together and get fit, but if I wasn't responding or attempting to do that, honestly would be required. Just hopefully he was gentle about it, no one wants to hear their husband is no longer attracted to them, but maybe some of us need to hear it, to wake ourselves up.

skorenfeld123

Thank you for giving her advice on the stuff that she asked about!

Gwennie9476

I have not read the entire thread, but my opinion would be to find another husband. I have never been of the thinking that anyone should be in love with someone based entirely on physical beauty. Beauty comes from within and not by the dress size.

SconnieCat

anyone else responding to this really needs to read the whole thread... it isn't about weight loss at all... boyfriend is a douche waffle...

Preach. Yes dear lawwwwwd. Preach!

I think it started out asking for weight loss advice, but turned into a general discussion about the douchecanoe and that there are bigger issues as play.

janatarnhem

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If he truelly loved her he wouldn't be so hurtful and insensitive! You know how devastating for the person that you love to tell you he or she doesn't find you attractive?? You have ice running through your veins...
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^This is so true and the hurt stays. :brokenheart:

catb58

After reading the entire thread, all I can say is that the OP will do nothing until both self-preservation kicks in and she decides that her safety and well being, as well as that of her children is her top priority. She is enabling her SO who, from how it sounds, probably has a major inferiority complex. He keeps her dragged down so she won't leave, because without her, he will have nothing and nobody. He knows she is out of his league and she could do much better. Losing weight will NOT improve things. It will make the situation worse because she will truly be stellar and he'll still be....him.

I was in a somewhat similar situation and was told, "If I didn't want you, you wouldn't have anybody." Eventually I realized that "nobody" was better than a life of walking around on eggshells, waiting for a hair-trigger temper to explode. It was all emotional beatdowns at first and then it escalated. Thank goodness I had no kids to worry about....just me. But the hope that things will improve takes a long time to die because they play it so well by sweet apologies and tears. Hopefully in her case, that will be before he hurts her or one of the kids. Me...I landed in the hospital for a week and had surgery to get put back together before that self-preservation kicked in.

I hope she wraps her brain around the idea that it is not going to improve and if she makes the mistake of marrying him, it will get even worse. It would be in her (and the kids) best interests to start planning, checking out women's shelters or friends who could keep her safe and hidden at first, seeing an attorney, preparing an escape....because I doubt he will let her go nicely.

Regardless of what decision she makes, I wish her well. Personally, I think a safe and loving environment for her and the kids should be her first priority right now.

runner475

I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...

Looks like he wants a mannequin instead of a wife.

BTW is he in that photo with you? If yes, convey my message to him. Tell him he has man boobs and can wear 32 A. If he ain't ignore my comment. It wasn't meant for the individual.

skorenfeld123

I do agree we need help... but i don't think he will change any.
He thinks so highly of his beliefs, its very difficult to change his pov.
I do love this man, he treats me well and loves me. He just doesnt think things through at times.

an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter.

am i making sense?

I think you're saying that your children from your previous marriage are not to be understood as real brothers and sisters of the child you have with this man. Rather, they are to be seen as stepbrothers and sisters. Whereas, his child from a previous relationship can be understood as being a real sister to your daughter.

If this is correct, then your man sounds like a psychopath. He sounded like a psychopath in your previous posts as well, but he's being a psycho about and towards children as well as his woman it sounds like. Scary.

I thought this was funny, because he describes himself as a psycho and i've called him a psycho bf before

It's not funny at all. If you've called him a psycho and he's called himself a psycho, that is all of the information you need. I'm sure there are a ton of people on this site who have been in relationships with people who are sociopathic, and unfortunately it sounds like you are one of us. Even if you do lose the weight (which you should, when and how you are ready to, and for yourself and your children), he will find something else to harp on. It sounds like he is controlling and manipulative, and knows how to be nice just when you need to hear nice things, because that's how they work.

Please, please, please--I wish someone would have told me this when I was in a similar relationship--get out now. He will not change, but you can!

susanwair

I love to do things that people think I can't do- I LOVE to prove others wrong. It will be interesting to see when you get down to your pre baby weight- (and you will)- if HE has enough self esteem to handle your new confidence AND the attention you will get from other men.

I lost over 100 lbs a long time ago and my BF of 7 years left me....ends up he liked the fat me....in the end that was the BEST thing that could have happened- he was a total LOSER.

Do it Girl...........

Beffie26

Hi,

First of all - ignore all negativity from people posts - people should reply to you not argue about other peoples comments.

Second - I've totally been there. My husband loves me very much and he finds me attractive - but he too has admitted he preferred me slim. I was very hurt to begin with but appreciate him being honest - I'd rather that than never have had the kick up the bum that's helping me lose weight. It's important thought that you address that what you need from your husband is support - POSITIVE SUPPORT! I asked my husband to give me compliment with regards how well i was doing and to give me motivational pep talks.
So far its working. Sometimes though... he does forget and says something mean (he finds poking fun at people amusing and sometimes he speaks before he thinks!) but he always apologizes and tries really hard to help me reach my goals. I love him and I'm glad he is aware of how i feel about hings. I wouldn't like to try to lose weight alone. He keeps me going!
My advise is to get your husband on board. Ask him to help you. Tell him how much losing weight will mean to you, how happy it will make you... make sure he realizes YOU have decided to lose weight FOR YOU! Don't say it's because of what he said. Tell him that what he said has made you think about what you really want. LOSING WEIGHT SHOULD ALWAYS BE FOR THE PERSON LOSING WEIGHT! don't do this for anyone but YOU!

You can do anything you put your mind to..... if you had a long journey planned what would you do? PREPARE
So.... prepare yourself for a weight loss journey.
Make sure you have everything you need. Sign up to motivational sources, Get a motivational workout playlist, Find fabulous healthy foods you enjoy, Put up inspirational pictures in the places you usually eat. Tell everyone you are trying to lose weight and that you want everyone to help you say no to the extra drink, the bigger portions and all of the other things you will kick yourself for afterwards! You can do it alone....... but why wold y want to. Use other people to help you achieve your goal - happiness.

Do it for you - make it count and have fun!

Remember you are amazing, you are loved and you are worth it! That goes for everyone!

Get going!

bkthandler

2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol

Just a legal point of order. Very few state recognize common law marriage and it's generally more complicated that "living together". Since you have a child you should look into your state's laws say to secure your rights and your child's rights.

bizgirl26

I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...

Looks like he wants a mannequin instead of a wife.

BTW is he in that photo with you? If yes, convey my message to him. Tell him he has man boobs and can wear 32 A. If he ain't ignore my comment. It wasn't meant for the individual.

Funny as hell. This is not a nice person who is being honest. This is a A hole. My hubby has been showing his support by complimenting me on my weight loss but has told me " he loved me before ( I was morbidly obese) , he will love me the same after" my size doesnt matter. He always tells me how sexy I am . That is what yours should be saying to you .

meluhneekay

Not much to say that hasn't been said, just want to echo other sentiments: OP, you are a gorgeous woman. Your boyfriend sounds like an awful person undeserving of your affection. If you really want to try to make it work, get counseling. This will only work if he agrees. If he doesn't, I suggest considering ending the relationship. TBH I'd be relieved to see you end the relationship today, but obviously I don't know everything about your situation. If you are financially dependent on him, maybe try looking for ways to solve that so that if you do ultimately decide to leave, you can do so without worrying about you and your children's financial well-being.

I know this thread was initially about you wanting to lose weight. If the fact of the matter is that you really are uncomfortable with yourself and you want to lose weight to feel more confident, absolutely go for it. Hang out around the forum, add all of the lovely people who have commented in support of you as friends, and see what you can learn. We're all rooting for you, honey. You're not alone here. :flowerforyou:

ishtar163

I was hesitant to respond to this because it has seemed to ignite a lot of emotional responses, but I will go ahead and take a chance.

OP, I also have four children, but they are all with my husband of 11.5 years. My weight has gone up and down with each baby, and then up and down because of life with four kids. My husband has always made similar comments as your bf, or he's made elusive comments and then spoke up after I find all the porn or the messages to girlfriends, or he's slept on the couch for 8 months. I used to beat myself up for not being good enough for him, kill myself to lose weight, and then find out that the grass really wasn't any greener. then I would get depressed and gain it all back. I am nearly at my heaviest now, at 140 lbs. and I know he's not really interested.

In the end, my advice lines up with many other posters. You have to do this for you, not him. I am on a positive track now because I remember how much better I feel about MYSELF when I'm more fit. When I feel good about myself, his comments don't destroy my self-confidence so much because I'm getting it from mySELF. Additionally, I find that they don't happen so much because, I believe, he doesn't get a reaction. I still get hurt when he insults my cooking or parenting or cleaning or lack of income, but I'm working on improving myself in other areas, too.

At any rate, I joined local YMCA so that the children can be supervised while I work out (my husband isn't unwilling, but he's always at work). this way, I can assume all the responsibility for myself and not worry about what he thinks or does. I also got a good scale and have started measuring portions carefully so my dietary choices don't interfere with the family.

Ultimately, whatever happens in your relationship (and if you want to talk, definitely friend me!) is going to happen pretty much regardless of your weight. Respect is not directly proportional to a number on a scale, by any means. You need to get in shape for yourself and address relationship issues separately. People here can be tons of help with motivation, but it starts with you, not your fear of your bf's opinion of you!

BusyRaeNOTBusty

1. If I were significantly over weight I know my husband would not find me attractive. If I asked him if he did I would expect him to tell me the truth.

2. I could never been with a man that did not like and accept my children. That's a huge deal breaker for me.

3. No one has a perfect body. Most women have asymmetrical breasts. I do. I've noticed many actresses who do as well. Those of use who have given birth naturally also tend to have imperfect and asymmetrical labia. Again this is normal. A man who points out small natural imperfections that can all be "fixed" with surgery is not very carrying or sensitive.