Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

1…1011121315

Replies

  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
    I feel like if you truly love someone they will be attractive to you even if they are not at their "ideal" attractiveness level or healthiest weight. If you love someone then you will see them in a positive light. It distresses me very much that your husband would say something so mean to you. I would try to get him into counseling to see what his problem is and if it can be fixed. You being heavy is not a reason for him to have so little regard for you. By all means get healthy and strive for a good weight... but not to be "worthy" of this man. I bet he isn't a fashion model either. Do it for yourself. I'm not sure I would want to stay with a man who felt that way about me.
  • DawnW3218
    DawnW3218 Posts: 9 Member
    Selee1987 you have 4 BEAUTIFUL children - each one of them took you 9 months to grow into perfect little beings - give yourself time to get your body sorted as it cant and wont happen overnight, just take one day at a time.

    I would listen to the advise on here regarding nutrition and exercise but don't dwell too much on what others think of your situation - I'm sure you know whether your boyfriend is worth your time and effort or not.

    Good luck :flowerforyou:
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    First, While people are sitting here arguing about lying vs. telling the truth I think we have all missed the point here. When they married, he vowed to love her in sickness and in health, in "better or for worse".

    They are NOT MARRIED! They have only been together 1.5 years. If you read all the posts (or at least from the OP), you would realize that the issue is about the welfare of THE KIDS.

    PLEASE NEW POSTERS, READ THE CLIFF NOTES on page 14 and re-quoted on p15 and p16.

    She is looking for help and information on motivation and nutrition.
    We have 17 pages covering the title. Let's start covering her health. She is only getting a couple hours of sleep and has 4 kids.
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member
    First, While people are sitting here arguing about lying vs. telling the truth

    At first, I read this as 'white' people, and I thought.... uh oh..... this is gonna get nasty. :huh: :glasses: :smokin:

    education-money-cap-300x300.jpg
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    If your bf doesn't love you at your "worst" he most CERTAINLY doesn't deserve you at your best. You need to do this for YOU and YOU alone. Yes, do it for your kids, yes, your hubby/bf will benefit by your self confidence gain, but sorry, he sounds like a douche nozzle for even saying that to you. YES he should make her feel good about who she is. PERIOD. This comes from a happily married 8 years, together for 13 years couple. My hubby has always told me he "doesn't mind" those extra rolls as long as I am "into" our intimate relationship. I know OBVIOUSLY he is more attracted to my more fit body (which has more to do with my confidence), BUT, the fact that he loves me no matter what, made me realize I am worth it for ME. I don't NEED to change for HIM! Our relationship can only improve when I improve me, but I know we are still ok if I stay just the way I am. Seriously. He's a douche nugget. Can't get over it.

    I agree 100%!

    I also totally agree!

    When I was at my biggest, my SO and I had a great intimate life but now that I have dropped weight he says he notices how much more confident I am and he loves it! He also makes comments about how different I look, how much less jiggly I am, how his arms fit further around me and if we go out to eat and I'm bringing left overs home he might say something like how proud he is of me for not eating it all when 2 years ago I would of devoured everything.

    He prefers women who are curvier, not that there's anything wrong with naturally thin it's just his preference, and he mentions all the time how lifting and spin have made my body an incredible shape.

    Bottom line - if he can't support you through this journey, find someone who will. Mine did - he's been an unbelievable support and I couldn't imagine doing it without him now. I started without him, but he pushes me and challenges me and makes me want it more, for myself. So he doesn't say, hey don't gain weight again. He says encouraging things, that motivate me because he sees I am happier now and he wants me to stay happy. He wants me to know that I did this for myself, not because he wouldn't want me if I was still fat (even though he did want me at my biggest, hands down weight was never an issue for him - my happiness was an issue). He is so positive all the time about all of this and it's awesome to have that support system - especially when my alarm goes off at 4 and I really don't want to get up but I want to get that work out in and he says I know you're tired but if you don't go now, you won't have time after work and you know how much you want to get a work out in today . . . or something along those lines to remind me that I do want this, I just have to get my butt out of bed!

    Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do!!

    Feel free to add me if you'd like
  • slimbettie
    slimbettie Posts: 686 Member
    I don't know whether I would slap my husband or appreciate him for opening up about his true feelings. All I can say, is that,though my husband told me that he loves me, no matter my size, he does not want me to go back to where I was a year ago, and he makes it very clear. If our husbands can't be honest and direct with us, who can?
  • chasingdreams18
    chasingdreams18 Posts: 110 Member
    First of all you've got to do this for you not for him, no matter how much you love him.

    Here is a ginormous brain dump... I'm sure all the other MFPers are sick of seeing this already, but it's what helped me so I like to share it....

    The good news is you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be better.

    ++Track for a week or two before worrying about losing. This way you'll see where you really stand, odds are it is different than where you thought you were, which is actually good news...

    ++Be scrupulously honest... you can lie to your friends, you can lie in your diary, you can lie to yourself, but YOUR BODY KNOWS EVERYTHING YOU EAT. So you might as well be honest in your diary (keep it private if you like) but you need that info because you can't get where you are going if your are not honest about where you are right now.

    ++See where you can make small changes on things that aren't so important to you.
    (Don't even think of taking chocolate out of my diet!!!)
    --Reducing quantities
    --Swapping out things instead of eliminating them.

    ++Focus on what you should eat not what your shouldn't.
    Eating your nutritious foods first. Your body will be more satisfied and have less cravings.

    ++Small sustainable changes.
    If you completely revamp your diet, it's way easy to revert to old ways in times of stress.     (and who doesn't have stress?)
    If you make a series of small changes, food still offers you some sense of comfort, sort of a comfort continuum, and after a while the first small changes will seem comforting in themselves. Also rather than having to think about everything all the time. You only have to think about a 2 or 3 new things to focus on.

    ++Rather than being uberstrict with the target MFP set for me. (I swear this saved my life.) I was happier once I gave myself a range:

    ROCK BOTTOM: 1200 cal
    TARGET: MFP Calories for lose 1 lb a week (when that hit 1200 I changed to lose 1/2 lb per week)
    TOP OF RANGE: Maintain Calories for my GOAL Weight.
    (SAFETY VALVE: Maintain Calories for CURRENT Weight - remember to keep updating this number as you lose)

    ++Only worry about it 1 lb at a time.
    Forget I *NEED* to lose 20, 30, 50, 100 lbs. I'm only worried about 1 lb the next one. I'll worry about the others later.
    Once I found ways to lessen the stress, I found it way easier to focus on the process and let the results follow. (It's what worked for me some people need the stress to get them motivated. Me I get scared and overwhelmed and don't see the big goal as achievable. )

    ++Think of losing weight like the stock market. Yes, there will be fluctuations but as long as the overall trend is the the right direction don't worry

    Food is not the enemy. You need nutrition to fuel your body and make it strong. and healthy just feels so damn good.

    Most vitamins are fat soluable... so remember to include plant and fish based fats (HAPPY FATS) so you can access the nutrients in your food.

    All of your foods fall into 1 or more of 3 macro nutrient categories
    FATS • CARBS • PROTEINS ... I personally think it's unwise to severely restrict any one of these categories.
    Instead of eliminating or limiting quantity focus on the quality...

    HAPPY FATS (Plant and fish bases)
    COMPLEX CARBS (un or minimally processed)
    LEAN PROTEINS

    Oddly enough, on my journey here I've reduced guilt over food.
    I have the occasional treat and I fully enjoy it with no guilt involved.
    The thing is since I'm not eating crap all the time, now the occasional treat is just that a TREAT it's special and I enjoy it so much more than when I was unconsciously shovel junk food into my face.

    ^^^^^THIS VERY WELL SAID!
  • chasingdreams18
    chasingdreams18 Posts: 110 Member
    I don't know whether I would slap my husband or appreciate him for opening up about his true feelings. All I can say, is that,though my husband told me that he loves me, no matter my size, he does not want me to go back to where I was a year ago, and he makes it very clear. If our husbands can't be honest and direct with us, who can?

    ^^^Agreed mine is the same way! But I love his honestly no matter how bad it sounds that is what makes us have a great relationship.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    How can I get a message board topic (specifically this one) to stop popping up?
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    How can I get a message board topic (specifically this one) to stop popping up?

    Pray people stop posting :laugh: especially when they have only read the first post. Jeez now I caused it to pop up...... :huh:
  • MrsPong
    MrsPong Posts: 580 Member
    Even tho that was his honestly it still can hurt... My husband is a Marine and when I was bigger after only 1 child...he used to tell me that...and push for me to get in better shape. It did nothing for me-- except resent him.

    I lost 40 lbs when he left the country on a duty station ALONE. Make sense??? Then he came home started getting on me about what to eat not eat---- I gained some back--- got sick. (not his fault, gained more)

    We were married 3 years before he finally realized to leave me alone about my weight. and I work out for me. Yet those thoughts STILL cling to my head when I gain weight bc I'm always afraid he wont want anything to do with me....

    Take my advice---find the motivation for YOU.
  • zahid222
    zahid222 Posts: 233 Member
    I would use this honest opinion and ask for his help, to help you lose weight. Four kids and a husband is lot of responsibility. He can help you by giving you time to 1. exercise 2. research for nutrition. If he sees you trying he should be proud of you whatever the outcome. Everybody is different when it comes to weight loss. It depends genetics, age .height and other things. So it does take time and patience. Is he willing to sacrifice his time for the benefit of you then there is merit to brutal honesty . If you can I would use this conversation to enhance your relationship and inter dependability. That is a true marriage. Otherwise this honesty is not worth anything! :flowerforyou:
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
    How can I get a message board topic (specifically this one) to stop popping up?

    Pray people stop posting :laugh: especially when they have only read the first post. Jeez now I caused it to pop up...... :huh:

    Or keep posting til it hits 500 so it rolls into part 2. Then it falls off your feed (thank god)





    Roll this b.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    How can I get a message board topic (specifically this one) to stop popping up?

    Pray people stop posting :laugh: especially when they have only read the first post. Jeez now I caused it to pop up...... :huh:

    Or keep posting til it hits 500 so it rolls into part 2. Then it falls off your feed (thank god)





    Roll this b.

    But then won't part 2 keep popping up? I don't even think the OP is reading this any more since she already yelled at the dude. This thread... is so.... DONE.
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    How can I get a message board topic (specifically this one) to stop popping up?

    Pray people stop posting :laugh: especially when they have only read the first post. Jeez now I caused it to pop up...... :huh:

    Or keep posting til it hits 500 so it rolls into part 2. Then it falls off your feed (thank god)





    Roll this b.

    But then won't part 2 keep popping up? I don't even think the OP is reading this any more since she already yelled at the dude. This thread... is so.... DONE.

    I forgot about this, no I think once it rolls as long as you stay away from part 2 it goes away.

    Please Roll

    7aa6607814b1f76f5a9469bf04e39eba.jpg
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    In honor of this post, I wrote this article for First for Woman, a national magazine. I don't know if they are going to use it with my before and after pictures yet (they took the after pics). They are currently working on the issue:

    Does this Dress Make My Butt Look Big?


    A joke started my current weight loss journey. After an audience watched me struggling to squeeze through a row of seated people to give a speech, I unexpectedly began, "I lost 54 pounds. It took me 3 years but I finally found them again."

    I’ve since lost 38 pounds from my highest weight and kept them hidden.

    Twenty of those pounds were during a 6-month Northwestern University clinical trial. I weighed myself every day. My diet was consistent but the weight was not.

    The exercise increased from sedentary before the study to 100 minutes a week for the first 2 months. Then jumped to 200 minutes per week for phase 2 and concluded with 300 minutes weekly.

    Some days I would lose a half-pound a day or more for several days in a row. That was exciting but it slowed to about a pound a week. Frustration occurred when I went 3 weeks with the scale not budging an ounce. How can that even be possible?

    I was eating at a calorie deficit but vastly different foods each day varying in the amount sodium, liquids and fiber. We dropped my calories by couple hundred per day. Progress slowly continued for weeks. Then for no reason my weight started fluctuating by as much as 7 pounds per day!

    However, even with the fluctuations, I slowly declined over the month.

    I'm 18 pounds away from my goal weight. I’ve been studying nutrition, the brain and goal setting for over a decade. What I have learned is:

    • Everybody is different (emphasis on body)
    • We do not live in a vacuum and everything affects everything else
    • Persistence pays

    My latest speech is based on several clinical trials, "You don't have to work your butt off, but you have to get off your butt."

    Husbands, do not answer, “No, that dress doesn’t make your butt look big. Your big butt makes it look big.”
  • fit_gal
    fit_gal Posts: 167
    Perhaps see of a moderator can lock the post (if there is one).
  • Amberellie11
    Amberellie11 Posts: 16 Member
    First, While people are sitting here arguing about lying vs. telling the truth I think we have all missed the point here. When they married, he vowed to love her in sickness and in health, in "better or for worse".

    They are NOT MARRIED! They have only been together 1.5 years. If you read all the posts (or at least from the OP), you would realize that the issue is about the welfare of THE KIDS.

    PLEASE NEW POSTERS, READ THE CLIFF NOTES on page 14 and re-quoted on p15 and p16.

    She is looking for help and information on motivation and nutrition.
    We have 17 pages covering the title. Let's start covering her health. She is only getting a couple hours of sleep and has 4 kids.

    I'm sorry, but I just don't have time to read all 18 pages, I tried to gather the info I thought necessary to give my help and felt the emotional side was just as important as the facts and tips. (Confession be, I was a bit confused on the bf vs married thing as well, but like I said, no time to read through all the pages.)

    But aside from the married point, did you even read the rest of my post? If you had, you would realise regardless of whether she is dating or married or even single, the point is that the emotional stipulations still are there and still can be a detriment to her dieting and exercise regime. I think we can all agree that it is just as important to recognise and address the mental and emotional journey as well as the physical.

    My apologies if my post frustrated you, but I promise my heart was in a very loving and caring place, I was just hoping to provide a bit of support and care for someone I felt may have been hurting a bit. :smile:

    I wish all the best to you in your journey! :smile:
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.

    I am never impressed with people who like to point out problems without being willing to help with solutions, so hopefully he isn't just being a passive-aggressive yutz to feel good about himself.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
    rollohgodpleasewhydidicommentonthissomeonekillme

    Roll damn you, roll!!
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    ORIGINAL POSTERS SAID:
    Thank you everyone for your supportive comments.
    I'm going to end this thread by answering a few repetitive posts.
    and then some other stuff.

    Let the thread die. You don't have time to read 18 pages.
  • thavoice
    thavoice Posts: 1,326 Member
    Hi everyone,
    this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive! :/ He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
    His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
    I need help! I need to get fit!
    I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
    lose the weight to turn him on then leave him.
  • beautifulwarrior18
    beautifulwarrior18 Posts: 914 Member
    Screw him. Honest or not, he's the one that planted the seeds to make you give birth to 4 children. Having babies makes you gain weight. Tell him he should have thought of that before he decided to have children. *kitten*.

    As far as tips on losing weight. Drop the guy that's making you feel ****ty about yourself. Being skinny isn't going to make you love yourself but being around people who value you and let you know your self worth will.
  • greeneyes972
    greeneyes972 Posts: 87
    Your initial post was about how to lose weight. Your follow-up comments revealed that he is emotionally abusive to you and your children. And oftentimes, emotional abuse is the precursor to physical abuse.
    However, reading through your comments it sounds like you’re fine with being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

    You state: I know if i were to drop the weight i'd be out of his league... maybe you're right, this could be his way of diminishing my self-confidence in order to keep him on a pedestal. (WARNING BELLS!)
    Then you state: He actually hates being told "You knew what you were getting yourself into" his response is, "i just wished it was you and me" (WARNING BELLS!)
    Then you state: He thinks so highly of his beliefs, its very difficult to change his pov.
    Then you state that “I do agree we need help... but i don't think he will change any.”
    THEN you state: an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter…. yes, only because they bare his last name.
    HUGE WARNING BELLS!

    Then you state: I thought this was funny, because he describes himself as a psycho and i've called him a psycho bf before
    Then you state: “his views are insane, but he will learn to be open minded”
    Then you state: I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.

    Then you state: children come first! always! I'm a package deal and hes fine with that. Hes finally said that he will step up Then you state: “Anywho, all other matter can be dealt with with some therapy maybe or (a good slap in the face) a good talking to”

    Then you state: “We are working through it, I've expressed my concern about my kids. I don't want a toxic environment for them and he's agreed to be a better father figure”

    I almost didn’t even respond to this post, because of the back and forth you are having with yourself. You don't seem like you want an outsider's opinion, however I had to comment. Your main responsibility is the safety and wellbeing (mentally, physically, and emotionally) of your children, and yourself.
    I hope you’re honest with yourself. Are your babies in a loving, accepting environment? You are the one who controls the environment in which they live. Is it a safe one? Is it a happy one? Do they feel accepted? Do they feel like second-class citizens?

    Any man worth his weight in salt would NEVER try to diminish your self-esteem! That is not healthy, it's controlling, and his way of making you feel helpless, like you're unworthy of love and admiration. Believe me, I've been there. And I thank God I made it out alive.

    You’ve acknowledged that the situation is toxic, and his views are insane, but for some reason you think that “he will learn to be open minded,” and finally, “you don’t think he will change any.” The truth is that people don’t change. Emotionally abusive people certainly don’t change for the better. They change for the worse. I speak from experience, as do so many ladies here. Please at least be honest with yourself. If he isn’t accepting of your children, and hasn’t been, you talking to him isn’t going to change his opinion. His views are his views. Simple as that. He resents your kids, and most likely always will.


    I am now blissfully engaged to a man who has a daughter from a previous marriage. I adore that little girl, and I treat her as she is my own. I can't imagine being any other way.

    Sorry for the longwinded response. I love kids, and I hate to think of innocent little babies in a situation where they are not loved and made to feel safe, secure, loved, and accepted. They can't change their situation. Only you can.

    Your posts really do make me feel nauseous. I truly hope you get yourself and your babies out of this situation! If you need to talk or advice or whatever please feel free to message me.

    ETA: I completely left out the part that he has issues with your asymmetrical breasts, and your "down there" area. You said you want to have surgery to make corrections, and he wants you to get a boob job ASAP.

    I've lost 3 cup sizes with my weightloss. My honey hates the thought that I do not love my body, even with my smaller breasts. He does not want me to get surgery to replace the ones I lost. He tells me he loves me for me, and boobs or no boobs, I am beautiful and he loves my body. He’s been there through thick and thin, literally. He has loved me at every stage. He has told me I am beautiful, at every stage. He has SHOWN me that he loves me and finds me attractive, at every stage. There are good men out there, and I hope you find one who loves you for you. I really really do. You are a beautiful woman, and I hope you see that, no matter what your body looks like, you are beautiful.
  • Varcolaci
    Varcolaci Posts: 15
    Have to love that. He's a bad person and doesn't love her now because he isn't as physically attracted to her while obese as he was when she was in better shape. Wow. Just demonize anyone who tells the truth, sure. Why can't he still love her but want her to be healthy and sexy too? The guy who says that he thinks you are just as good looking when you are fat is a liar. Sorry. You're not. And you are lying to yourself, and he is lying to you, and both practices are emotionally and psychologically unhealthy.
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,330 Member
    Have to love that. He's a bad person and doesn't love her now because he isn't as physically attracted to her while obese as he was when she was in better shape. Wow. Just demonize anyone who tells the truth, sure. Why can't he still love her but want her to be healthy and sexy too? The guy who says that he thinks you are just as good looking when you are fat is a liar. Sorry. You're not. And you are lying to yourself, and he is lying to you, and both practices are emotionally and psychologically unhealthy.

    Looks like you haven't read through the previous posts (or at least one one right above yours), this isn't an issue of physical attractiveness, it's an issue of abuse, immaturety and child endangerment.
  • beautifulwarrior18
    beautifulwarrior18 Posts: 914 Member
    Have to love that. He's a bad person and doesn't love her now because he isn't as physically attracted to her while obese as he was when she was in better shape. Wow. Just demonize anyone who tells the truth, sure. Why can't he still love her but want her to be healthy and sexy too? The guy who says that he thinks you are just as good looking when you are fat is a liar. Sorry. You're not. And you are lying to yourself, and he is lying to you, and both practices are emotionally and psychologically unhealthy.

    Despite that a boyfriend's job isn't to tell you you're fat. It's to tell you he loves you and that you're beautiful. If you aren't going to love me at my worst, you don't get me at my best. And putting me down by telling me I'm not attractive is not loving. Sorry.
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
    Reading all these comments really opened my eyes.
    I'm such a bad mother for putting him first without realizing i was doing it.
    I wasn't seeking marital advice... but dang guys, i'm glad it came out that way.

    I had a conversation with him not too long ago.
    I asked him "why do you say you're a psychopath?"
    he replies "umm idk.... because i like to cause pain"
    ............... -_- wtf, who says that!!
    no way i want that near me or near my kids! omg!

    and yea... i'm dropping the bomb on him when he gets home from work.
    I'll have everything ready for him so he can take off without a hassle.

    Im still not gonna give up on my weight loss though.

    Thanks again everyone.

    ps.. roll off! lol
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    Wow! Do you have family for support? What about church? I wish you and your children the very best.
  • kloving70
    kloving70 Posts: 2 Member
    The first thing you have to fix is in your last sentence. Nutrition, what you eat is the number one thing. My advise is, log everything that you put in your mouth. And learn to weight and measure everything you eat.

    Most people give up because they over do it. Going from McDonalds and pizza`s everyday to, broccoli and turkey and going to the gym can be over whelming. So take baby steps, it can`t and won`t happen over night.

    But the good news is, there is people here that has lost huge amounts of weight, find them, talk to them, they will help you!

    Best of luck.

    This is the most important thing....I have lost a lot of weight in the last 20 years but have never kept it off since I go from fast food to chicken and broccoli with no inbetween...this time I am learning to eat fast food (on occasion) and family meals (kid friendly - pizza, spaghetti etc) while keeping within my calorie range...it is harder to do but in the long run I will be happier and more successful.

    Good luck!

Categories