Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

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  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
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    Hi everyone,
    this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive! :/ He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
    His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
    I need help! I need to get fit!
    I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.

    Knowledge of nutrition and exercise are pretty easy to find.

    http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/
    http://www.nutrition.gov/weight-management/strategies-success/interested-losing-weight
    http://win.niddk.nih.gov/publications/myths.htm
    http://www.downstate.edu/ahd/nwl.html

    There is no bad exercise, unless you are causing injury. Find something you like enough to stick with and do it. If you get bored with it, try something else. Just do something.

    But motivation has to come from you. If your husband not finding you attractive is not enough motivation, how about your health? How about the example you set for your children? How do YOU feel about what you see in the mirror?

    Unless YOU want to change, you will not change.
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
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    After seeing more posts of yours OP......I am going to come off judgemental..... Screw the weight, screw honesty and screw anything he wants. His attitude towards your children is sociopathic, unhealthy and honestly dangerous. As a Mom your first priority is your kids, by laughing about what this creep says or how he behaves toward your children is childish, irresponsible and damn near neglectful as a mother. 4 kids, 2 dads and young......no judgment on this but keeping your kids around a man (term used lightly) that has this attitude towards them and their mother is purely on you. I don't know the particulars, but the dad of the first 3 should fight to get his kids out of the environment of the current guy. If he doesn't or isn't involved, OP you obviously do not take choosing a mate seriously.

    If it was just you and your youngest child, I would be sympathetic and just say the current guy is a douche and you can and should move on. With your other kids involved, if you don't get them away from him....you are just as liable for what damage (mental or physical) that this guy inflicts.

    You are a mom FIRST, please get your priorities straight.
  • EmpireBusiness
    EmpireBusiness Posts: 333 Member
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    Has anyone said "Just break up!" yet?
  • kellystacy424
    kellystacy424 Posts: 67
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    If I asked my husband a question like that, he better tell me his honest opinion. However if he does feel that way he should be helping you out by giving you an hour everyday to exercise or he should be going on family walks with you.
  • xxghost
    xxghost Posts: 4,697 Member
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    I really hope my boyfriend would be as supportive of me as possible. If he has such a problem with the way I look, I'd expect him to help me get fit.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Has anyone said "Just break up!" yet?

    Kinda, I told her to just break up with this thread.
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member
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    Has anyone said "Just break up!" yet?

    Kinda, I told her to just break up with this thread.

    Ya, I keep coming back to this thread, but I can't be bothered to go through all 14 pages. I was wondering the same thing. I don't like to post it, if it's already been said. That's just rude.
  • SaraSaraBoBeara
    SaraSaraBoBeara Posts: 6 Member
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    Real talk though, if you want to do it for you, then that's great. As far as motivation goes I have many different things motivating me. 1) Health. Obviously. 2) My 2 daughters. I grew up around unhealthy eating habits and I don't want the same for them. I want them to enjoy healthy foods, understand moderation and have a healthy mom to do things with. 3) Clothes I haven't worn in a long time or want to buy but wouldn't look good at my size now. 4) My husband. Yes, a SO can be motivation. But not because he told me he's not attracted to me, quite the opposite. He worships my body and I want to be the most smoking hot MILF possible for him.

    So, you have to find your true motivation, for you.

    From there, focus on eating clean. Veggies, fruits, meats, moderate amounts of healthy fats, etc. Then try to get moving. Go for walks with your kids in the evenings. Make it a family affair.
  • rieann84
    rieann84 Posts: 511 Member
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    TLDR

    Your motivation should be for yourself, and not for your husband's or anyone else's approval.
  • triciab79
    triciab79 Posts: 1,713 Member
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    If your husband does not find you physically attractive after you have given him 4 kids, then he is an *kitten*. Physical attraction is based on love, love is not based on physical attraction. If he does not find you physically attractive he is not in love with you and that is the real problem. He may still love you but when you are in love with someone it does not matter if they have 6 chins and rolls all over, they are still attractive to you. He is saying, I don't love you anymore, not I want you to diet. Your marriage needs help. Dieting will change the way you think about you and that might make him more attracted to you for a while but there will be a time when you are old and frail and he should still find you beautiful. Sorry to be so blunt but you are in an do or divorce situation so deal with the real problem.
  • shelz18
    shelz18 Posts: 5 Member
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    Wow that's real deep ... first of all , YOU HAVE DONE AMAZING TO GIVE BIRTH TO 4 KIDS! WELL DONE!

    SECONDLY,Your husband may be being honest but making you feel insecure by saying hes no longer finding you physically attractive anymore is just not right ... he should be helping you lose the weight ... for example; what to eat and not what to eat, little exercises to do now and then when you have the time together.

    You have had 4 kids its not that easy to get back to your previous shape ... he should understand that... But one thing I would suggest is to take the negative words said by your husband or anybody else as motivation to push you to get up and do that exercise ... just let the words play in your head as you sit there feeling unmotivated to do any exercise .... that should give you the extra drive to prove those people wrong and get moving!

    Its easier said than done I know but you can do it girl! Just take each day at a time

    Should he have just lied to her then?

    OP I'm glad you and your husband can communicate honestly, even if it stings. Please get healthier for yourself and for your children. The rest will follow.

    Ps I think you're pretty.

    No one said he should lied to her ... there's a way of putting things without making your woman feel like **** ...As a husband, you should come to your woman on a decent level and think of ways together of how to help her get back in shape ... not just telling her point blank shes unattractive ... that's ****ed up... Don't rate that **** at all ... well that's my opinion.
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
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    Clift notes for all who have not read.....

    -Not a husband, BF of 1.5 years

    -3 kids from previous, 1 baby from him

    - the first 3 are not his daughters "real" siblings.(assuming because their not his...WTF)

    - his older child is a "real" sibling

    - he doesn't like her weight, boobs, or nether regions

    -she laughs about how he treats the kids

    - says how great it is he is honest (I value honesty but this guy is an *kitten*)

    -when people say he sounds like a psycho because of the way he treats the kids, OP laughed and says yep he says he's a psycho and I have called him that.

    - She is early 20's

    -She makes comments..."that we would all freak if we knew how he treated her son" then laughs.



    Weight and honesty are not the issues of this thread.
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    Thank you everyone for your supportive comments.
    I'm going to end this thread by answering a few repetitive posts.

    My children come first! always! I'm a package deal and hes fine with that. Hes finally said that he will step up.

    My weight. I will do it for myself and my children. they're a real handful and its so hard to keep up with them without huffing and puffing.

    I am in a mature relationship, i understand completely that i was being an immature high school girl with the argument of who is better looking, it was done on purpose.

    I insisted on his honesty, and so he gave me his honesty. I"m not trying to side with him but hes always been very blunt and honest also hes not very good with words. He does not empathize very well.

    Overall the truth hurts, having told that by someone that supposed to love me is difficult to take in.

    For the first time, last night he told me he was proud of me... proud that i exercised for 2 days! as a ridiculous as it may sound 2 days isn't a lot, it still made me feel so much better and he sounded very sincere.

    I'm also looking up online, how to eat healthy, what micro nutrients are, good carbs/bad carbs, ect.

    Thank you all again.
  • tihi18
    tihi18 Posts: 102 Member
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    @trici Love and physical attraction have nothing to do with eachother. Now both loving and being physically attracted to the same person is amazing but you can definitely have one without the other. You can absolutely love a SO without being attracted to them anymore(although in this case I think he is simply a a-hole).
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    Clift notes for all who have not read.....

    -Not a husband, BF of 1.5 years

    -3 kids from previous, 1 baby from him

    - the first 3 are not his daughters real siblings.

    - his older child is a real sibling

    - he doesn't like her weight, boobs, or nether regions

    -she laughs about how he treats the kids

    - says how great it is he is honest (I value honesty but this guy is an *kitten*)

    -when people say he sounds like a psycho because of the way he treats the kids, OP laughed and says yep he says he's a psycho and I have called him that.

    - She is early 20's

    -She makes comments..."that we would all freak if we knew how he treated her son" then laughs.



    Weight and honesty are not the issues of this thread.

    - ok
    - yes
    - apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
    - apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
    - we both don't like my weight, we both don't like my boobs, hes clarified that hes fine with it and he didn't mean it the way i said it.
    - I do not.
    - honesty is the best policy
    - his views are insane, but he will learn to be open minded
    - late 20's, i'm 26
    - a lot of people think that because hes a step parent he should not be disciplinary toward any of them < these people would freak.
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    @trici Love and physical attraction have nothing to do with eachother. Now both loving and being physically attracted to the same person is amazing but you can definitely have one without the other. You can absolutely love a SO without being attracted to them anymore(although in this case I think he is simply a a-hole).

    I also think he can be an a-hole sometimes.
    But i know he loves me, hes not the cheating type.
    When i first met him, i didn't find him attractive but i fell in love with him anyway. would that be the same thing?
    he doesn't find me attractive (hes clarified that he does) yet he still loves me?
  • StephanieKidd83
    StephanieKidd83 Posts: 41 Member
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    I think my husband does too but he respects me enough to NOT come out and say it. instead he encourages me! He supports me and my choice to do everything healthier. There are some things you just dont say and telling youre significant other theyre fat or unattractive due to weight gain is just wrong in my opinion. Be supportive, dont be a shallow Hal!! He should encourage you and JOIN you in your healthier lifestyle! He should care about you being HEALTHY, NOT your appearance!!
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    First of all you've got to do this for you not for him, no matter how much you love him.

    Here is a ginormous brain dump... I'm sure all the other MFPers are sick of seeing this already, but it's what helped me so I like to share it....

    The good news is you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be better.

    ++Track for a week or two before worrying about losing. This way you'll see where you really stand, odds are it is different than where you thought you were, which is actually good news...

    ++Be scrupulously honest... you can lie to your friends, you can lie in your diary, you can lie to yourself, but YOUR BODY KNOWS EVERYTHING YOU EAT. So you might as well be honest in your diary (keep it private if you like) but you need that info because you can't get where you are going if your are not honest about where you are right now.

    ++See where you can make small changes on things that aren't so important to you.
    (Don't even think of taking chocolate out of my diet!!!)
    --Reducing quantities
    --Swapping out things instead of eliminating them.

    ++Focus on what you should eat not what your shouldn't.
    Eating your nutritious foods first. Your body will be more satisfied and have less cravings.

    ++Small sustainable changes.
    If you completely revamp your diet, it's way easy to revert to old ways in times of stress.     (and who doesn't have stress?)
    If you make a series of small changes, food still offers you some sense of comfort, sort of a comfort continuum, and after a while the first small changes will seem comforting in themselves. Also rather than having to think about everything all the time. You only have to think about a 2 or 3 new things to focus on.

    ++Rather than being uberstrict with the target MFP set for me. (I swear this saved my life.) I was happier once I gave myself a range:

    ROCK BOTTOM: 1200 cal
    TARGET: MFP Calories for lose 1 lb a week (when that hit 1200 I changed to lose 1/2 lb per week)
    TOP OF RANGE: Maintain Calories for my GOAL Weight.
    (SAFETY VALVE: Maintain Calories for CURRENT Weight - remember to keep updating this number as you lose)

    ++Only worry about it 1 lb at a time.
    Forget I *NEED* to lose 20, 30, 50, 100 lbs. I'm only worried about 1 lb the next one. I'll worry about the others later.
    Once I found ways to lessen the stress, I found it way easier to focus on the process and let the results follow. (It's what worked for me some people need the stress to get them motivated. Me I get scared and overwhelmed and don't see the big goal as achievable. )

    ++Think of losing weight like the stock market. Yes, there will be fluctuations but as long as the overall trend is the the right direction don't worry

    Food is not the enemy. You need nutrition to fuel your body and make it strong. and healthy just feels so damn good.

    Most vitamins are fat soluable... so remember to include plant and fish based fats (HAPPY FATS) so you can access the nutrients in your food.

    All of your foods fall into 1 or more of 3 macro nutrient categories
    FATS • CARBS • PROTEINS ... I personally think it's unwise to severely restrict any one of these categories.
    Instead of eliminating or limiting quantity focus on the quality...

    HAPPY FATS (Plant and fish bases)
    COMPLEX CARBS (un or minimally processed)
    LEAN PROTEINS

    Oddly enough, on my journey here I've reduced guilt over food.
    I have the occasional treat and I fully enjoy it with no guilt involved.
    The thing is since I'm not eating crap all the time, now the occasional treat is just that a TREAT it's special and I enjoy it so much more than when I was unconsciously shovel junk food into my face.

    This very helpful thank you :)
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
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    I think my husband does too but he respects me enough to NOT come out and say it. instead he encourages me! He supports me and my choice to do everything healthier. There are some things you just dont say and telling youre significant other theyre fat or unattractive due to weight gain is just wrong in my opinion. Be supportive, dont be a shallow Hal!! He should encourage you and JOIN you in your healthier lifestyle! He should care about you being HEALTHY, NOT your appearance!!

    I agree. :smile:
  • mthr2
    mthr2 Posts: 158 Member
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    He's the unattractive one. You should make him wear a mask.

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