Boyfriend's Mom Is Unreasonable. Help?

emmanap91

Here's my honest opinion: I agree with the mom on this one. I believe that until a kid is out of the house, has graduated, found a decent job and makes enough money to take care of themselves and a potential baby (just in case) then they can't a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Right now you need to focus on your education and career. Crying over a boy at this age is not worth it because 10 years from now you might look back and wonder why you ever bothered with him. Because your taste in men would have changed / evolved. And also because right now, it's not easy to tell which boy will turn into a real man and which boy will stay a boy. And you don't wanna be stuck with the wrong one.

That's ridiculous. I met my boyfriend five years ago, when we were both 18 in our first month of undergraduate college. We now live together, I'm in grad school and working and he's teaching high school.

My sister met her SO in high school, he joined the military after they started dating and after he got out they got married. They own their own house, have an adorable dog, and both have great careers (sister's a nurse working toward her BS online, her husband is getting an MBA online while working a very cushy office job). Everyone keeps asking them when they'll start having babies.

You are being very prejudiced against young people, assuming we can't make intelligent decisions or focus on education/career and a romantic relationship.



EDIT: oh, and I just wanted to say I've experienced a similar mom issue when I was in high school, and it didn't work out (but we were younger than OP, at 17 and 16). I also want to add that not all moms are like that, so have hope! My boyfriend always jokes about how his mom loves me more than she loves him. She calls me the daughter she always wanted

cakeribs

It really doesn't matter why she changed her mind, but your bf should have an idea--he lives with her and he's known her for 19 years. My guess is that he knows what happened but isn't telling you/is being a clueless guy about it.

There is nothing you can do--she's not your mom, he isn't your husband. You can only hope that he sorts things out with her.

Sailatsorf

I dated a guy whose mom was a nightmare. He lived with his parents, and they basically used him for slave labor on their farm, which wouldn't be so bad except that they basically halted his life entirely so that he could work for them. We were in our EARLY TWENTIES. If he came to see me, he had to be home by 1 AM. In the summer when we weren't at college, I saw him about twice a month despite the fact that he lived a ten minute drive away. I saw him less than that when he stopped feeling invested in the relationship at all and basically kept me hanging on while treating me badly.

Even though the breakup hurt a little (I was kind of over it before it was over because of how poorly he treated me), it was the most relieving feeling in the world because I realized that if I was with him long-term, his parents would dictate everything because they "needed his help." My goal was to move out of the area, ideally to New England, and I knew his parents would always have this hold on him and that they would never allow it. As much as it sucks, break this thing off, at least until he has the capability to get out of his mother's clutches.

For the record, I am now married to a good man who respects his parents, but isn't controlled by them. Also, he's from Maine, so guess where I live now. I am a million times happier now than I ever could have been with that other guy.

Chezzie84

Here's my honest opinion: I agree with the mom on this one. I believe that until a kid is out of the house, has graduated, found a decent job and makes enough money to take care of themselves and a potential baby (just in case) then they can't a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Right now you need to focus on your education and career. Crying over a boy at this age is not worth it because 10 years from now you might look back and wonder why you ever bothered with him. Because your taste in men would have changed / evolved. And also because right now, it's not easy to tell which boy will turn into a real man and which boy will stay a boy. And you don't wanna be stuck with the wrong one.

So you feel they aren't allowed to go on dates or see people? I'm not trying to argue, just understand your point of view. I turn 20 this year and well, I feel like experiences should be encouraged as long as you have guidance because in their household it's "mom is always right or you get out." That doesn't make for good decision making, in my opinion. I understand I need to focus on college and I am but I also believe that there needs to be a barrier between school and play for forming relationships aids in that.

No worries, it's good that you came here to ask questions. And to answer your question: No I don't believe in parents who think it's their way, or the highway. Debates / conversations need to happen just like we are having here. Compromises need to be made where the parents / kids win some battles but lose others, ...?

And there's a lot of other experiences that can be encouraged such as traveling, working, starting a small business, socializing with friends, volunteering, ....

But for sexual experiences, I still think that it's best to wait until you are financially independent. And you sound like a smart kid, so it might take you only a couple years. is a couple years going to kill you ? And trust me you will still have plenty of time / opportunities to experience, make mistakes and learn from them. The difference is you will suffer a softet landing as you will have the maturity, independence, and $$$ to fix / deal with the mistakes / consequences however, whenever you want it.

Neither one of them is a prostitute (to my knowledge) so what does financial independence have to do with sex???

OP, your boyfriend has a couple of choices. (A) Listen to his mom and follow her rules. If he does this, you need to move on as it won't end well for you. (B) He has a job, so theoretically, he can move out and stop letting Mommy make his decisions. But that's up to him.

I think it's ridiculous that his mom exerts this type of control over him, but if he's not willing to stand up to her, there is not a thing you can do about it. It's really up to him from here.

I think the whole thing about you can't have sex before you are financially independent is because of unplanned pregnancy. I am guessing where they come from there is no such thing as birth control or safe sex!!

I guess where you come from birth control is 100% effective ! Smdh

No not 100% but if used correctly it is over 99%

hookilau

@Random- Because at one point she was being decent about it and it randomly changed. That's why.

Maybe you should just let it go then. You're disappointed, I know. However, the more you fight it, the more she'll hang on to her decision. Don't make it a big deal & change your game plan to something that will work for all involved.

Thankfully it's not a racial issue & likely just that she'd rather he didn't date ANY girl vs you in particular. Trust, they don't get over the racial issue (if that were the case) until babies come along & THAT is a horse of a different color =P

You sound like a very nice girl enjoy yourself responsibly, these things will pass.

brevislux

You're not in a relationship with his mom. Whether she's right or wrong, it's not your issue. If he can't be in a relationship, then it can't happen. If he wants to make his own decisions, he can move out and do things his way. I'd give it up really.

deksgrl

As soon as he takes his balls out of mommy's purse everything will be fine. But that might be awhile, or maybe never.

Beckboo0912

Wait? So you want you bf to man up...if he does then he will more then likely be kicked out, which means a full time job and possibly dropping outta college. So then you'll have a man who can do what he wants? Instead of living with this for now and possibly having a guy who has a college degree. I say you don't get so mad and tell him to man up since his mom is doing him a bigger service then you know. Just sayin'

baba_helly

Actually, yes you have. People corrected your kettlebell stance (that photo is in your gallery) in the first thread. You were on my fl for a while. So. Yeah.

I meant in regards to my relationships. And I corrected my stance in that. o.o

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1148626-in-need-of-advice-stuck-between-2-guys-help

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1166277-my-boyfriend-s-parents-don-t-want-him-dating

kelsully

Run. Run fast. Run far. Do not look back and be glad you got away.

This does not sound like a fun relationship and if it does continue Mommy will never ever go away. This will be your future, even if he moves out and you two get married, she will be ever present unless he is willing to completely disown her, which is unlikely as he is her mother and he loves her.

If this is not a satisfying relationship to you you should leave and find another. Just because he is a good guy does not mean this is a match made in heaven.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Actually, yes you have. People corrected your kettlebell stance (that photo is in your gallery) in the first thread. You were on my fl for a while. So. Yeah.

I meant in regards to my relationships. And I corrected my stance in that. o.o

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1148626-in-need-of-advice-stuck-between-2-guys-help

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1166277-my-boyfriend-s-parents-don-t-want-him-dating

Seriously, OP, go back and reread these threads and the advice given to you. Most of it applies to this situation. Really take time to do some self reflection -- you are very young, the guys you are seeing are very young. There is nothing wrong with that.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

Yeah. Move on OP. You are 19. Ain't nobody got time for that.

_John_

No not 100% but if used correctly it is over 99%

Ok, so you're still ready to be an adult should that fail though? If so, party on Wayne...

QuietBloom

He is still living under her roof, so what she says, goes. It sucks, but that's just the way it is. Your either going to have to suck it up and see your boyfriend when she allows it, or break up.

kgeyser

^ What they said. It seems like you have this warped expectation that Mommy and Daddy should foot all the bills and take care of him like they did in high school, but he should have all the freedoms of a financially independent adult because he turned 19. He's not acting like an adult, so he doesn't get all the privileges of an adult.

His dad isn't around, just wanted to clear that up and he got a scholarship to a boarding school in high school, haha.

The job he has in only a summer job in the city he stays in and our college is 4 hours away from that so he can't exactly get his own apartment yet. I'm not trying to defend, just explain. I'm not financially independent but I have freedom. that's the difference I don't think I understand but all households are different. I'm happy with the guy and i don't want to break up because of his mom (he plans on moving out his junior year), just want to learn how to tolerate her until she tolerates me.

**Yes, I know my perspective changed. But you all brought up good points that I can't change her so I have to change myself. So thank you for that**

:huh: A summer job is not the same as having a job. That's something you do to earn spending money between semesters. He's still completely financially dependent on his mother (his dad not being around really wasn't relevant to the point I was making, nor was his getting a scholarship in high school).

He could get a year-round job, take classes in the evenings, and move out if he wanted to, but obviously he is happy with the arrangement. And as far as tolerating his mother, you've never met the woman and presumably have no contact with her, so she really has nothing to do with you. Stop injecting yourself into their relationship and family decisions - problem solved.

PikaKnight

*sigh*

I guess it's true trial and error are the only way to learn for some people. As I said, been there and done that. You're either goiing to split up (he will dump you because Mommy told him to) or you will stay together and and she will make your lives miserable. It's really your choice.

At 19, kids are testing the world and asserting independence. It's normal. Good parents let them do so. Controlling people don't just stop being controlling.

Anyway, since my experienced advice isn't welcome, good luck.

I welcome your advice. I just thought you'd have to like your mom to have a complex like that. But I still don't think he has one, haha. I do greatly appreciate your advice though so thank you (:

@Itsfun- I've not posted anything else. Thanks for your input.

Here's at least one other one:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1166277-my-boyfriend-s-parents-don-t-want-him-dating

ETA: oops. ItsFun got it. :laugh:

ninerbuff

Trust when a I say a boy at 19 isn't ready to commit to any relationship if he's still living at home and going to school. Right now he NEEDS his mom to help him. You try to shake that off, and you'll end up being the "mom".
She is right here. She's paying for school and boarding. She doesn't want a distraction causing an incompletion of school. Legit reason why she doesn't him to have a girl friend right now.

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MelStren

Wait? So you want you bf to man up...if he does then he will more then likely be kicked out, which means a full time job and possibly dropping outta college. So then you'll have a man who can do what he wants? Instead of living with this for now and possibly having a guy who has a college degree. I say you don't get so mad and tell him to man up since his mom is doing him a bigger service then you know. Just sayin'

Amen!

VeryKatie

Here's my honest opinion: I agree with the mom on this one. I believe that until a kid is out of the house, has graduated, found a decent job and makes enough money to take care of themselves and a potential baby (just in case) then they can't a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Yes, make absolutely no mistakes in life so you can learn nothing at all. And dont start dating until your at least 21

Actually, I do believe the first person quoting is suggesting not to date until you are 23 to 24 years old. Graduate HS at 18 but it's rare to find a job decent enough to raise a baby (just in case) with HS education only so the graduating they must be speaking of is from university which is 4 - 5 years long. And then 1 - 2 years to find a job and move up enough from the starting salary to support rent, a baby, and all other expenses. At the earliest.

Seriously... I'd get her point if the OP and her bf were 14. But it's legal to marry at the age of 18 without parents consent. He should start learning how to stand up for himself and for his gf (and he doesn't even have to be rude to do so). A man who doesn't stand up for his gf should not be dating her because he doesn't care enough. I've dated enough to be able to tell the difference.

ETA: It's perfectly possible to maintain a relationship and study at the same time. Nearly EVERYONE I know has done so and are doing GREAT for themselves.

BigDougie1211

Is there any possibility he's just using his Mum as an excuse because he's changed is mind.
Seems like a handy get out card for him to play.