Thoughts on being an only child...

Dogwalkingirl

I am an only child and also have no first cousins. I was the only child at family events growing up, the only child at christmas, easter etc etc. My parents were very strict with me and made every effort for me not to be spoiled. They did not allow my grandparents to go over the top with presents and I was forced to work and earn my keep etc. I do however think I have been overly fortunate in some aspects...I did not have to pay for my education etc.

I learned quickly as a child; was walking when I was 8 months, rode a 2 wheeled bike before I was 3 years old, was talking and reading before other children etc. That did all even out however! I never once really felt different then other children but I think it was important that my parents involved me in a lot of things with other children. I took swimming lessons, drama lessons, went to camp, was in a lot of clubs etc so that I had interaction outside of school with other kids.

The difference I have always seen in myself is I am VERY independent and I like time alone. I have always thought this has come from my upbringing as an only child. I learned to play well alone as a kid and enjoyed my time alone. I also think I grew up emotionally a little faster then some other children. I always hung out with adults so I suppose this was to be expected.

My partner now comes from huge family..he has three sisters who all have 2 children each and he has about 25 first cousins. We do want children and I plan on just having one!

rml_16

My son will be an only child.
I am 41 now and can't deal with being pregnant again. Honestly it makes me really sad because I imagined 2 or 3.
I would love to adopt but we will see how that goes.

As far as that emotional attachment to an only child I agree that its kinda bat****. He is only 4 and I already hate that he will go away and become an adult. At least I know how crazy that sounds. I will probably get a bunch of dogs.

See, and I had no problem letting go. My daughter basically moved out after high school (she's a sophomore in college now) and I'm perfectly fine with that.

Well lets stay friends and you can coach me through it! :sad:

Ha ha.

Not sure there's any coaching possible! I just was always very stoic about it. I never had that "don't ever leave me" feeling. I figured it was my job to get her to the point of independence and if she was independent, I did my job.

I will say one thing that will help -- and you need to do it his whole life, really -- is to make sure you have other things going on besides just being a mother. Obviously, nothing that it detrimental to his well-being, but have friends, volunteer, engage in a hobby -- things you will be able to do and enjoy when he doesn't need so much attention anymore. That will probably make the transition less jarring.

seltzermint555

I was an only child and I had what I look back on as a charmed and somewhat magical childhood. Really when I think about it I know I was truly blessed. My parents were in thier mid 30's when they had me and I was definately wanted. My mother had a spontaneous abortion before getting pregnant with me so I think they were not sure she would be able to carry a child to term before she had me. I grew up safe and loved, maybe somewhat spoiled but always was taught to appreciate what I had and be kind to others. I grew up with a strong sense of self and to stick up for other people who can't stick up for themselves. I do think that being an only child makes alone time easier. I do not constantly need to be entertained and am fine with the quiet. While I can't speak for what it's like growing up with siblings I think that being an only child in general makes you more independant and less competitive because you don't have to compete with anyone else growing up for attention.

This sounds so much like my experience & perspective. That is one thing I love about these forums, hearing about people who have had really similar experiences in their lives!!

One of my friends has three kids and she seriously seems to model her parenting off the way my parents raised me. I'm oddly flattered even though I had nothing to do with it. But yeah...similarly, I felt like my parents had me at a time when they were truly ready and excited to become parents (after 10 years of marriage and many years TTC) and although I was only "spoiled" with material things for the first 10-12 years of my life, and I was always kept in touch with reality & very responsible and so on...I was given a magical childhood in so many ways and I'm grateful for that!! Even when my parents had a somewhat nasty divorce, they were both 100% involved in my life and I knew I was loved and important to both of them. Sadly I know very few peers then or now who felt the same way.

yogicarl

(I am on only child - and decided not to play)

drich1989

I am an only child and have always hated it. It's always been just me and my mom. She had to work a lot. I did have a babysitter but aside from that I was very lonely. Toys can only make you so happy when there's no one to share them with. I didn't do very well interacting with others, I was and still am extremely introverted. I dont open up easily and prefer being by myself now, which makes it hard to keep friends. But I'm weird anyway so that may be part of it. A big difference I notice is that people with siblings are more touchy. They grew up wrestling, playing, cuddling etc. with each other. I am the exact opposite. I cant even handle when I'm sitting next to someone and their leg touches mine. I dont like this about myself but growing up alone I became very used to personal space, and a lot of it. I dont mean to be overly negative, there is some good. I always had my mothers full undivided attention. I always felt very loved and important to her. But still, I would have preferred at least one sibling.

rml_16

I am an only child and have always hated it. It's always been just me and my mom. She had to work a lot. I did have a babysitter but aside from that I was very lonely. Toys can only make you so happy when there's no one to share them with. I didn't do very well interacting with others, I was and still am extremely introverted. I dont open up easily and prefer being by myself now, which makes it hard to keep friends. But I'm weird anyway so that may be part of it. A big difference I notice is that people with siblings are more touchy. They grew up wrestling, playing, cuddling etc. with each other. I am the exact opposite. I cant even handle when I'm sitting next to someone and their leg touches mine. I dont like this about myself but growing up alone I became very used to personal space, and a lot of it. I dont mean to be overly negative, there is some good. I always had my mothers full undivided attention. I always felt very loved and important to her. But still, I would have preferred at least one sibling.

See, though, there is no guarantee you would have turned out differently had you had siblings.

I'm an only child, too, and none of those things describe me. I always had tons of friends (still do), am extremely affectionate and while I do very much like alone time and tend toward being introverted, it hasn't really hampered me.

My best friend, though, grew up with three siblings and is very extroverted. But she is horrified at the idea of spending more than a couple hours at a time alone. And while I've been in a stable, long-term relationship for nine years, she's twice-divorced with a broken engagement and several minor relationships in between.

I don't think those things can be blamed on her having siblings any more than your issues can be blamed solely on being an only child.

ETA: My daughter -- also an only -- has a great group of friends and has been very social her entire life. It was a problem in kindergarten. :-)

drich1989

Well then what's the point of this thread? I'm giving my opinion on how I feel being an only child affected me. If we're talking guarantee's, nothing is guaranteed. A million other things affect every one of us so unless we're getting into science and DNA type stuff there's no telling what's actually caused what.

Joanne_happygramma

My mother always says "they tried it once, and didn't like it" haha wink wink.
I'm from a family of 5, I never knew my 2 older siblings though.
There is 7 years between me and my younger sister. 7 years of depressing loneliness, it was incredible finally having a sister.
The love of sibling is 1000x better than being spoilt with toys and clothes.
A lot of people that grow up as a only child tend to be bratty or snobby from being spoilt (not the case for everyone).
I think it really depends on how you raise the child. I hated being an only child, even though it was just 7 years.
I want to have 3 children

LOL I used to tell my son that we got it right the first time. Always went on the postive whenever we could

rml_16

Well then what's the point of this thread? I'm giving my opinion on how I feel being an only child affected me. If we're talking guarantee's, nothing is guaranteed. A million other things affect every one of us so unless we're getting into science and DNA type stuff there's no telling what's actually caused what.

Which is why I pointed out up-thread that the hand-wringing and analyzing is ridiculous. I know people who were tortured by their siblings and hate them even into adulthood and they have no relationship at all. But not all sibling relationships are that way. Every situation is different and my experience or your experience will have nothing to do with the OP's child's experience.

KombuchaCat

Only children are very needy. Psychologically they can become very dependent on people later in life.

http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/eischens2.html

(I was actually looking for the paper we studied in child dev at university before replicating it on our own with the same results - which is to say that only children are less dependent - but that seems to be a pretty good summary of several studies)

Cliff notes from various studies:
Only children typically more high-achieving and motivated
Only children become conditioned to depend on themselves
More comfortable being alone, often only participating willingly in group activity in the role of the leader

And this is a particularly important point
"Although nobody exists as purely introverted or extroverted, the only child cannot show a strong tendency towards one or the other. Instead, both introversion and extroversion become important as the only child is forced to take on both personality types depending on the given situation"

Which is not, of course, to say that there are no dependent-on-other-people only children out there, but there's a significant amount of evidence from psychological studies to suggest the opposite.

This is really interesting! Thanks for sharing!

tiptoethruthetulips

I have six siblings and both my parents have 11 siblings (a lot of them had many children too), my grandparents on both sides all come from big families. I guess the more the merrier

I have a friend who is an only child, both her parents were only child too. She is alone in this world without any immediate family, her parents have passed on, her grandparents have passed on, she isn't in a relationship and doesn't have any children. She does have close friends and some who would consider her family, but she does say occasionally that she feels alone in this world. That is sad.

blondepaparazzi

I had three sisters growing up, but my husband was an only child. He says he doesn't mind, but his father was a real *kitten* and I think he wouldn't have been as traumatized if he had a sibling to be with and so they could support each other. Like a lot of people on the thread said, just having siblings doesn't guarantee a close relationship, as one of my sisters and I do NOT get along not now not ever. But in the case of an abusive father, I would think that growing up with a sibling to talk to and share in the painful experiences may not have made it so painful for him. Just a thought.

MuscleAndMascara

It took me a while, but I read all of the responses on here. Thank you everyone!!

From what I've learned from this, no matter only child, child of some +
It all comes from experiences and how you are raised.

thank you again for posting!
:drinker:

lexbubbles

Only children are very needy. Psychologically they can become very dependent on people later in life.

http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/eischens2.html

[trimmed]

Just like my comment, they are support for anything you want to believe.

Eh, I did write out a thing about why that's really dumb, but just gonna settle for 'lol, what an idiot'. I really hope you're a troll.

This is really interesting! Thanks for sharing!

You're welcome. Psyschology of birth order was literally the only part of child dev I had any interest in whatsoever. It's all dead interesting, and stuff. New research is being done all the time because it's very complex and hard to sort 'birth order' from 'life experiences' and what impact does birth order have on life experiences? Are you the way you are because of a life event? Would that have still happened if you had/didn't have siblings? Does the time in between children have an impact? Is everything total bull**** and we don't really know anything?

Since the introduction of the 'big five' personality traits, even more birth order studies were conducted that suggested birth order had an effect on people's scores on each of the five. But again, it's nigh-impossible to control or variables in stuff like that. I mean, are you affected personality wise purely by being born in a certain order? Was it in fact because of the differences in parental treatment? Is there really any difference between those things or is it splitting hairs?

There are also additional compound variables. For example, larger families are more likely (not always! Obviously!) to be from a poorer socio-economic background. Consequently third born are more likely to not JUST be third born, but also from a poorer background or larger families than first born and that in itself may have a compound effect.

Ernst & Angst, 1983, suggested that any effect from birth order may disappear by adulthood.

Falbo, 1984, investigated the claim that only children were more likely to suffer poor mental health but the theory wasn't borne out. There is evidence that only children are actually under-represented in psychiatry. However in childhood they are referred more often for therapeutic intervention, but that has been attributed to the closer monitoring and over-protectiveness of the parents rather than an increased incidence of mental health issues. There isn't much research following people into adult life, though.

Literature pre-1945 had a tendency to suggest that only children were more prone to psychopathology and unhappiness due to the abnormality of the family situ resulting in difficulty maintaining interpersonal relationships. But, y'know, the outlook has gotten brighter since then.

All that said I can't find any studies to suggest only children are likely to be MORE dependent than those with siblings. But if I do I'll let y'all know. Or if someone else finds one I'd like to read it.

WRT siblings, most mothers actually show a lot of consistency in how they treat each child at the same age (which is to say they treat Child B at age 5 the same as they treated Child A when they were 5), but most children don't have the cognitive or emotional skills to recognise that (Musun-Miller, 1993) and perceive parental favouritism which could lead to developmental effects particularly with self esteem and blah blah blah birth order (Zervas, 1994, Carson et al., 1992)

tl;dr we don't really know, but it's fun to poke around at things. Science!

Wow that turned into a really long post. Sorry. Anyway, I'm out for the day. Going to the Commonwealth Games! (yes, on my own)

JosieRawr

I would like to hear your thoughts on either being an only child growing up, or being a parent to an only child.
What are the positives and negatives to being/having an only child.
Why or why not would you recommend having one kid?

Discuss....

I'm currently the parent of a six year old only child..
Plus-
No one to blame things on unless we have company. It keeps her accountable for her messes etc.
No arguing with siblings.
Does not have to share on a daily basis.
She has her space and her things.

Neg-
No arguing with siblings..
She wants to be around other children all the time
I have 4 nieces and 6 nephews- she is the only only child and she knows it, she feels it.
She has an imaginary little sister...
She plays alone a lot.

Negatives that I've witnessed with kids with only child syndrome that my daughter was spared because of my large family..

Greed-everything in the house is theirs and they like it that way.
Poor socialization- has a hard time getting along with other children or doesn't know how to deal with other children
Selfish- don't have to share regularly and don't want to.
Lack of apathy- often times an only child is the center of their world and they may not have to think about other people's feelings as much.


Just my observations based on my daughter and kids that I went to school with... I don't really know any adults with no siblings off hand...


Edit- I wouldn't recommend or dissuade anyone from having an only child or multiple children or any children at all, but if you do have an only child (or even with your first child) it's important to socialize with them and give them the opportunity to share and socialize with other children from a young age.

Personally I was not planning on their being such an age gap and I want/wanted as many children as I can afford(time and financial), but we've been trying for over six months with no luck and cannot afford a specialist so one it is for now

WreckaRed

I am an only child.

I have 2 kids.

Watching my 2 kids together is enough for me to know I 100% made the correct decision for us to not raise an only child.
I feel like I missed out on having a sibling to have fun with, fight with, cry with, and grow up with. I also think that when I am older, as my family passes away, I have no one to mourn with, the way a child would mourn a parent.