Dumped for being 'TOO FAT" :(

missIssa36

Hi everybody. Im new to this site, just joined 2 days ago but I need some support or advice. Last weekend my boyfriend told me that I was too fat to go out with him. He doesn't find me attractive and he likes the old me who was about 80 lbs thinner. I gained weight because I had a horseback riding accident that cause two of my discs to herniate. I need to surgery and during the recovery I could do a lot so I packed on some weight. I realized I need to loose it awhile ago and was starting to workout and eat better. Now, since he dumped me I wish I could just lose it all in one week and he would want me back. I know that's impossible. How can someone dump you just because you gained a little weight? We have struggles and I never dumped him when he was a bit chubbier once. Im just so hurt. I think I have cried about 5 lbs of water out. I feel so ugly and horrible right now. I am going to do whatever it takes to loose this weight. I know that I have to loose it for myself but I cant help but think he would like me again if I was back to were I was about a year and a half ago. Im also 35 years old and I feel like I won't meet anyone else. I really thought we would end up together. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom for me? My ex deleted me of his facebook and told me via text that it was a good idea we talk to each other anymore. He wish me the best of luck. I just feel horrible...

curlygirl513

You are in a lot of pain right now, but you are just fine. There is nothing wrong with hurting or being confused at a time like this. I'm glad you shared. Because it helps to get it out there.

His shame is about him, not you. If you find yourself taking on the his shame, get the help you deserve to let go and see this for what it is. He doesn't have what it takes to be the person you need and deserve. He is doing the best he can, but he hasn't dealt with his issues.

Friends don't shame, blame or criticize. The listen and support. I hope you will make some good friends in person and on the board. This experience is painful, but you can learn a lot about yourself and others as you feel, deal, and heal. It has the possibility of being a real gift

Sorry you hurt so bad right now.

Meerataila

Congrats, however much he weighed, that's how much you've lost that you needed gone. Carry on losing whatever you want to lose for your own self, but the hard part is over.

Allterrain_Lady

Lose the weight for YOU and your health. Once it's gone, you're the one who won't want to be with him anymore. Because you'll know, in the deepest part of yourself, that you deserve better.
That you're strong, capable, happy and fit. HIS LOSS!

meshashesha2012

lose the weight for yourself. but i wouldnt fault him for breaking up with you because you werent husband and wife and he has no requirements to stick with you if he no longer finds you attractive. he's not the one for you and it's better to find out sooner rather than later. i also dont think it's fair to look down on someone because they arent the one for you, which is what i assume most of the responses will be..... of course we dont know the full story (ie both sides) so i cant really comment on deleting you from FB/telling you via text to not contact him anymore.



just move on, get back to being healthy. with that said, if he tries to get back with you once you lose the weight then i wouldnt take him back :laugh:

good luck with your weight loss goals and remember that with time, things heal as long as we let them heal and not pick at the wounds :flowerforyou:

LastPyro

seems like he just needed a reason. that's sad - for him.
someone will step into your life that loves you no matter what size/weight you are .. just for who you are.
be strong and hang in there.

(also: maybe read one or another book by alan cohen )

mtruitt01

Doesn't sound like love, but I don't know the whole story. Did he nag you to do something and you didn't, or took too long?
Lose weight the healthy way, and see how you feel about him then.
My knee-jerk reaction is: lose the weight, take him back, then cruelly dump him, the way he dumped you.
Not good advice, though.

kewwy1

Sounds like this guy is an arsehole. You want to lose weight for yourself, not for him!

By taking care of yourself you'll realise your own self worth and then you will realise that you don't need a guy like that

peachmagic

Wow is killing him an opion?? Just kidding...kind of. But seriously you deserve WAY better. Lose the weight for yourself and forget that guy ♥

carinthea

I have been here, it's a painful experience and at the moment probably feels like the worst thing in the world. I have struggled with my weight since I was in my teens. In my early 20s I got involved with someone, we moved in together and I thought it was love. I had lost a lot of weight before we got together but when we were living in the same house I stupidly became comfortable; with extra hours at work to cover the rent and spending time with friends at bars/clubs/restaurants I started to gain it back...before we had been living together for 4 months he had actually told me that I was a) getting fat and b) he was putting me on a diet. I just smiled, thought that he was doing it because he loved me and followed 'orders'.

I had low self-esteem, had never been in a successful relationship (I attract cheaters) and put up with the fact that he constantly compared me to his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend (the woman he left his ex-wife for). I made the mistake of trusting that he loved me (he said he did), I put up with his legal battle with his wife and the investigation into reasons for his not paying child support to her (he had left before the child was born and never saw him - but tbh I felt this lack of interest was wrong and had tried to help re-establish the fledgling relationship - something he did thank me for)...

In the end it came down to the fact that he didn't love me for who I was; he wanted to marry an English woman so he could stay in the country, he wanted someone who would do what he wanted, when he wanted, and the fact that even though I was bullied, belittled and treated like crap I somehow managed to stand up for myself. In the end it was his constant cheating (see, attracting cheaters) that ended our relationship (on my brother's 21st birthday). He told me that he didn't want to tell me it was over because he felt it would make me want to kill myself, but that he had met someone else, they were moving into OUR house but he would like me to stay because he needed help with the rent!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I am better off without him. He was the one with the problem, not me. I needed to lose the weight for myself, NOT for him and the fact that he couldn't accept me with all my baggage (weight, self-esteem problems and lack of desire to become a mother - though this had NEVER been mentioned before the split) meant that however much the split hurt it ended up being for the best.

To the person who said "you're not married, no commitment" that's not quite true, this couple were obviously together for years, living together etc, all the commitment (a piece of paper does not make a difference except for in the law courts - it certainly doesn't mean that the feelings are hurt any less, or promises of love aren't made) so the hurt when it breaks down is still going to be there.

Get back on the treadmill/dive in the pool. You will find someone one day who is deserving of you and who you are. For now focus on you and making you who you want to be.

Desalinadokaz

I've not read through this topic so this may have been said before but....would you want him back if he behaves like this?

I strongly believe that everybody deserves somebody in their life who loves them unconditionally. It's not about how you look, looks fade. It's about the person you are inside.

I know people may jump on this and say it is his right to find somebody attractive/unattractive but even so, he could still love you and support you.

I honestly think you deserve better. That's hard to see at the moment but you do deserve better.

mockchoc

When you love someone you love them uncontitionally. People will sometimes lose and gain weight through their lives and if you get pregnant are you going to be ok wondering if he can't stand the look of you? Get someone that truly love you 100%. He's not worth your time.

SLLeask

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. If he is so shallow that a bit of extra weight has made him run away then it obviously wasn't true love on his part. Better to find out now, have a little cry, dust yourself off, pick yourself off and get on with the rest of your life. Someone will come into it who will be there for you through thick and thin ('scuse the pun :laugh: ). Hugs to you, your heart will mend in time, I promise!

FindingAmy77

oh honey. he did you a favor. you are a beautiful woman. if he truly loved you then he would be proud of you on his arm no matter how many or less curves you have. It took me a divorce and metting my second husband to truly know how it is to be treated and appreciated. I have been up and down in my weight in the ten years we been together and he has never treated me any different. Even now I look back at my fat pictures, I think i look so bad but think how he still loves me and adores me the same exact way now. I don't say this to make you feel even sadder but to give you hope that there are real men out there that will love you for you no matter what. lose the weight for yourself. lose the weight to get your health back in control. NEVER lose it for anyone else. It wont work. I am so happy I have lost weight. The reason i am so happy is finally after 37 years of doubting myself and going up and down with my weight i finally like myself and what i see and how i feel. Do it for that feeling. I will tell you what, I love my husband and i feel truly loved by him but I can honestly say that i love myself now more than i ever did in my entire life so if he were to leave me today I would still be okay because i have myself. I couldn't have said that a year ago. I wish that for you too. :flowerforyou:

IHateThinkingOfAUsername

I can imagine how much you are hurting right now. And that is allowed. Yes we all agree this guy was a (insert your expletive of choice). But we aren't the ones going through your break up, your emotions are rightly raw at the moment.

I agree with everyone saying lose weight for you not to try to win him back, but hey if that's what gives you the motivation to take that first step great. With time I'm convinced you will see what we can all see and then you will be on our side of the fence, doing this for you. You will come to see that you don't need (or even want) him.

Your words: Why I want to get in shape
So I can walk up a set of stairs without sweating and being out of breath. I also want to be able to ride my horse and glide over jumps just like we used too. I also want to feel attractive and have my confidence back. I also want to be able to wear a bikini something I have never been able too do even when I wasn't so big.

Focus on these, not on him. Take care of yourself. Put you first.

mrfreestyle

I repeat what most people here have said. Continue your journey to lose weight, but do it for yourself and only yourself! The fact of a matter is he doesn't deserve you and he never did. And you will meet someone who will love you for you and not your weight.

Wish you all the best and keep believing!

mockchoc

I'm just back to reinforce the fact you are one heck of a gorgeous woman. Honestly.

Raaynn

I KNOW it hurts, im there right now myself. my husband of 13 years , father of my 6 kids walked out and got a girlfriend and moved in with her 2 weeks later. I kept on 10 lbs per child for a total of 60 lbs. he left because I got " fat". you know what? SCREW HIM. am I hurt YES, do I cry YES, do I feel ugly? occasionally, but who doesn't. But most of all , I feel empowered because I know I am only in my 30s and my marriage was joke, one I wasn't in on apparently. he was never going to be there for me. I deserve better. I see women who don't find out their marriage has never been true until they are in their 50s and 60s, some know now but are too scarred to do anything about it. What would you have done if you were still with him and met your dream guy? This guy was never your dream guy because youd never dream up a guy who would hurt you like this. you take that pain, you take that hurt and you fuel your new life with it and then you let it go hang in there , you will meet someone better but that doesn't mean you wont hurt first.

Ryderod

Partners being together through thick and thin is the core of a healthy relationship.
I'm not wanting to come over as being judgemental, but unless there are other underlying factors, it does seem like your partner placed more value on a superficial level.
If that is the case, as hard as it might be to understand and accept right now, you've been done a favour as you are actually better off without someone like that, and rather this comes out now then later when there might be joint commitments or even kids along to make things a lot more difficult.

It is great that you want to lose weight and look at a healthier lifestyle, but do it for the right reasons, for YOUR own benefit, and not to try make yourself fit into his expected mold..

chadya07

hmmmmm..... if he left you for something like that... it is not at all that you were meant to be together.

imagine a life with someone who just takes off when things get tough. and if he DID come back after you lost weight... wouldnt you always worry about what the next excuse would be?

i think men have a right to be or not bve attracted to whatever kind of women they want. and if he wasnt that his thing...i dont begrudge him his preferences.

but you are not doing yourself any favors by wishing you could be with someone who has conditions placed on you.

it would be a pretty fearful life, i imagine.

(ETA i am surprised i commented on a relationship thread like this... i was just struck by the comment you made about being meant to be with him... )

VeryChic

From your message, it seems like you have been together for quite some time. So he only just told you now that he does not find you attractive any more? That does not make any sense. He either used your weight as an excuse to leave or he must have discussed it with you before. Unlike the other people who commented, I am sorry but I don't think it's all his fault. 80 lbs is not just a little bit of weight. At least this has been a wake up call for you to finally lose the weight. Good luck!