Parenting ADVICE NEEDED!
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I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.
I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.
She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.
I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.
My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.
We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.
I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.
Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.
Believe me. I know how hard it is as a parent and to know that something is wrong and not know how to fix it. That's why I think it's time to turn to a psychologist. Don't beat yourself up either. We all make mistakes as parents. I've probably made some of the worst mistakes myself. Just don't give up on your child. Keep reassuring her that she still has you to rely on, even if you aren't in the same room with her.0 -
But what happens when she doesn't receive that love from the pet? Not all dogs and cats turn out to be cuddly.
And sometimes they prefer someone else in the house.
I have brought three cats and a dog into our house. *I* found them and rescued them, am the main person who makes sure they have food, clean litter boxes, flea treatment, whatever. One of the cats and the dog prefer my fiance (the dog will go either way. but she has a preference for him) and one of the cats doesn't really care about either of us, but has attached to the other two cats.
The only one who seems to love me best is the one I bottlefed from 2 weeks old.0 -
I will say I didn't read everyone's advice...because I just didn't. Anyway, it's normal, my thought would be to get a sleeping bag or something like that and put it in your room, let her sleep on the floor. It's not ideal but I'm sure moving and not being in your room is ideal for her. So let he sleep in the sleeping bag for a while and then put it in her room, on her bed and then she has the same thing she slept in in your room but it's now in HER room. Moving is a HUGE change for kids, it isn't easy for kids and the fact that she went from sleeping with you to sleeping in her own room is tough. Like you said it was an adjust for everyone, things were moved around and what not. And while you as an adult can express your displeasure for certain things, she can't/won't. My guess is she is a bright kid and knows it's what you want but that doesn't mean it's what she wanted or that she is completely comfortable with it. You both moved in and in her head she is getting the raw end of the deal, she has 3 new people in her life daily all the time, she has her own room, and own bed, when she is used to getting some time with her mom by themselves after your bf and what not leaves. It's a tough time for her and she is having a tough time with it. You yourself should talk to her about it, not you and your bf, while he is the new "father" figure daily, she is used to you and her time. So give it time and make changes slowly not all at once and this is the way it needs to be. Give her a little break, her live is in an upheaval even if you don't see it that way and no problems like this occurred before you moved in together0
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While she is 8 she is still a child and these kind of family changes can be hard. But she's 8. She should understand logic. Sit her down and talk about it. Brainstorm ideas that will make her feel more comfortable in her room (a lamp, a new blanket, some music that plays softly, etc). Get her to come up with some ideas and promise you that if you let her have it she'll agree to stay in her bed and quiet after bedtime. Then if she's up remind her about the agreement, give her a few warnings and reminders that she agreed to whatever it is and hopefully it'll stick. If not after maybe 3 warnings you take the agreed upon thing away for a while and then try again.
+10 -
As the parent of an 8 year old with anxiety, I can tell you that shutting her out will only make it worse. Get up, calmly walk to her room, put her back in bed, stay with her until she falls asleep, and leave her door wide open. It will get better. It will get better at her pace and subject to her emotional maturity because every kid is different. Don' try to rush it. On particularly bad nights, I still sleep on the sofa and keep the door open so she can get up and see me before heading to bed again.
As for medicine, something like Melatonin, which is not habit forming and is harmless, can be a comfort to her. It will help her get tired, and calm her. My pediatrician recommended a 3 mg dose for my daughter.
I won't go into the awful details that created real life upheaval for my kid but she had two solid years of mess. It takes a long time for them to recover from major life trauma. You can't expect rational behavior from an 8 year old.0 -
Make bedtime a family activity....I didn't read through all the posts, so if this has been suggested already, I apologize for the repeat.
What I mean is everyone go to bed (at least pretend you, as parents, are going to bed too) Leave the doors open and tell a progressive story. (ie) Everyone adds 4 words at a time. You could start with "Once upon a time" then your boyfriend can add "there lived an old" and then each of the kids adds on four words and you repeat until you have a home-made bedtime story. It will be fun, make them giggle, everyone is participating and I assure you....eventually, one by one, the kids will fall asleep. If stories get old....try taking turns with jokes.
If she/they are still awake when the story ends, say "The End" and that's that. Tell them to think up some stories for the next night.0 -
I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.
I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.
She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.
I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.
My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.
We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.
I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.
Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.
Just for the record......I never thought you was a bad mom for doing the things you have been doing. No ones perfect and any parent (or non parent for that manner) out there that bashed you for "punishing" your child is "in my opinion" WRONG!! I read this post and gave you what you asked for.......ADVICE......EVERY parent needs it from time to time. Again.....best of luck to you and your daughter!!0 -
I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.
Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.
Good for you OP. It's sometimes hard to reach out as parents and feel pressurised that we should somehow know all the answers automatically.
You sound like you have your daughter's best interests at heart and with time and patience hopefully the situation will resolve. I think it is clear however that the investment in time and effort you make now in dealing with this situation will pay dividends in the future when your daughter grows up safe in the knowledge she has the security of her mother's love.0 -
It's not a "buck up, buttercup" scenario we're talking about here. It's an upheaval for her daughter and it's unfair for the OP, as a parent, to expect her child to just understand how the pieces fall into place.
Yup.
Many adults would have difficulty dealing with such major upheaval on a psychological level without it manifesting in some way (stress, anxiety and so on) and it is somehow expected of an 8 year old child to be sophisticated enough to do so?
^^^ this, plus the fact that a child in this situation has *no* control over the situation, and having no control over what's happening to you makes the impact of stress much greater. Simply punishing the child for what is a manifestation of anxiety, and not bad behaviour, is going to increase the stress on the child, and their feelings of having no control, and not only make the behaviour worse, but there's a real risk of setting them up for long term anxiety issues.
Adults in a situation like divorce, moving into a new house, etc, have control. If you hate your current situation, you can get out. You choose who you move in with or move away from. A child has no control over any of that and that means the stress will always be greater on them. You can't change this because a child is too young to have that much control over their life, so you just have to be there for them when they're stressed and give them a little bit of control over what they can control, which is never going to be that much. You need to give them a ton of constant reassurance that the changes they're having forced upon them are for their best interests in the long term. And **listen** to your kids... if they can't turn to you in a situation where their life is changing in ways they have no control over and probably don't really understand why it's all happening (no matter how much you explain, they, then who in the world can they turn to? Family/child counselling is a good idea for the same reason, especially if nurturing, listening to your child, helping to problem solve together is not working, or they still are very anxious in spite of it. "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is a good book that was recommended to me by another mother on this forum, I've found that book to be very useful and has helped me relate to my kids a lot better and to deal with various behaviour issues.
I'm currently going through separation from my soon to be ex husband, and my older daughter's 8. So I can relate to a lot of this stuff. And one thing to remember, if your daughter's anything like mine, as grown up and mature as she can seem to be in a lot of situations, she's still a little girl and has her moments of needing to be nurtured like a little child. From experience, it doesn't make kids dependent if you give them affection and positive attention when they're needy - if anything it makes them more confident the rest of the time because they know they can rely on you when they're scared, lonely, sad, etc. My younger one has had separation issues and I just let her sleep in my bed when she wants to... she went through a phase of coming into my bed nearly every night, but then all of a sudden she just stopped and is happy to sleep in her own bed now. If she goes back to that due to the separation from her father, then so be it. She'll get over it again when she's had that reassurance. Shutting kids out makes them more anxious and drags these problems out for longer. Usually they just need reassurance that you will be there for them when they need you. And if that's not working, then the next step is child counselling.
ETA: I hadn't read some of the later posts from the OP when I read this, so sorry if I've repeated what's already been said or missed anything.0 -
I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. ....
Believe me. I know how hard it is as a parent and to know that something is wrong and not know how to fix it. That's why I think it's time to turn to a psychologist. Don't beat yourself up either. We all make mistakes as parents. I've probably made some of the worst mistakes myself. Just don't give up on your child. Keep reassuring her that she still has you to rely on, even if you aren't in the same room with her.
It is SO hard when something's going in with your baby and you can't fix it. It's heartbreaking, and I feel for you, and her. I second this advice. Even if there aren't any underlying issues, at least a couple of sessions will probably help you both see each other's perspective.
Here's my $0.02:
1. While I applaud you for reaching out for a little guidance, asking other parents for their opinions isn't always a great idea (hence my endorsement of a counselor). There are so many polarizing issues that people get worked up over and try to force their ideologies onto each other (i.e., sleep training, vaccinations, extended breastfeeding... I'm sure you know what I mean) that none of us are an impartial party. It's so easy to go down rabbit holes with other parents that have totally different approaches than yours, and that's part of why family therapists exist.
2. From my VERY limited understanding of the situation, I don't think you're horrifying or an awful parent. Only good mothers worry about whether they're being a good mother. You're looking for help, and trying, and seeking advice (and you're open to it!), and that is what's important. There's no such thing as a perfect parent, but we just keep fighting that uphill battle and that's what makes us good parents.
3. Getting a pet as an emotional band-aid is a terrible idea. Everyone involved in this scenario has plenty on their plates already. Also... it's a terrible idea.
4. Hug. Stay strong, Mama!0 -
I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.
I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.
She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.
I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.
My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.
We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.
I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.
Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.
I guess what I want to call attention to is the bolded part.
I found some of your responses really, really upsetting as a parent. It's not that you're a bad mother - but what you are feeling right there with that bolded part -- that is what your daughter is feeling and she's 8 and can't post for advice anon on an internet forum. I think you've gotten some very excellent advice in this thread and I sincerely hope you heed it.0 -
No kidding. he skipped an entire age range there. She's almost a baby still.Parenting advice 101:
When your child is a baby treat them like a baby.
When your child is an adolescent treat them like an adolescent, not a baby.
When your child is a young adult/teenager, treat them like a young adult/teenager, not a baby
When your child is an adult, treat them like an adult, not a baby.
Now that you've made the parenting mistake of treating your child like a baby, you're either going to need to seek counseling your some tough love.
Uh, adolescence is another name for young adulthood/teenage years. An eight year old is not an adolescent--they are a child.
He skipped more than one range:
Infant: o-1 year
Baby 1-2 years
Toddler: 2-4 Years
Child: 4-9 years
Tweenager: 9-12 years
Adolescence: 13-18 - And even those years are very different as they grow. I teach middle school and high school. Huge difference between a 13 year old and an 18 year old.
Having said all that, this is to the OP. My ex left when my kids were 3 and 5. My 5 year old slept with me every night for a year. My 3 year old was about every other night. I never punished them. Eventually, they grew less fearful that I, too, would leave, and they went back to their own beds.
What your daughter needs is compassion, not punishment. She may be having abandonment issues. Her whole little world has been dumped upside down, not once, but twice now. They say kids are resilient. I think that is a fallacy - Kids adapt to change because adults make decisions for them without considering their thoughts or ideas or feelings about said decisions, and then are told, after the fact, to suck it up.
Get the poor kid some counseling and listen to her. And for crying out loud, stop ignoring her. You're reinforcing the idea that her emotions and fears are invalid and don't matter.
ETA: Didn't realize she changed rooms - not homes. Still a huge change to have new people living there.0 -
I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.
I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.
She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.
I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.
My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.
We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.
I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.
Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.
So she's gone through a divorce, with Daddy moving out. And for the last 3 years she's had her mommy to herself, and she's been able to lay with and cuddle mommy every night.
Now you took her mommy away, boyfriend gets to sleep with mommy, the boys get to sleep together in a room across from mommy, and little girl has been exiled away from mommy, down the hall, away from the entire family.
Now I read >>>> "She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid-week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok." <<<<<
So she has a different schedule, a new house that’s not her own, a different family, new step mom, new step dad, new siblings, she’s all alone at night, in addition to: a different room every other week, with a midweek change-up tossed in for good measure. No wonder she's crying out!!! And then on top of it all, you punish her for feeling scared and upset... I got teary-eyed reading your posts. I can't even imagine treating a child like this. Counseling would be the next step. Maybe they can give you some ideas on how to deal with a little girl whose life has been turned upside down and backwards. She's 8 - a little girl. I don't think adults would deal with such upheaval well, and you expect an 8 year old to be fine with it? I'm not saying you're a bad mom, but the little girl is getting the short end of the stick every time. The boys have each other, and are still in their own house. This poor little girl needs hugs and loving, and lots of it. she needs to know you're not going anywhere, and she is allowed to FEEL whatever she needs to feel, without being punished for it. I really do hope you go through with counseling.0 -
Thank you again, everyone. I will most definitely take your advice and I will schedule counseling for her this week. I now understand that her feelings are legit and need to be addressed as such. I can see how wrong I was in how I treated the situation. I'm thankful for all of your responses (both positive and negative).
As hard as it was to read the negative responses and those of you who say she would be better off without me, etc., I still appreciate your adding your voice to my topic. It's just what I needed to hear. And for those of you who PM'd me, thank you for taking the time and concern to let me know private what your thoughts and ideas were.
THANK YOU. Starting tonight I am going to start rewarding good behavior. We had a great day alone together today, with a lot of insightful conversations.0 -
She also thinks having medicine will help her sleep, so she makes up aches and pains and cries about that, but only at bedtime. The rest of the day she is totally fine. These things don't come up until it's time for bed. I'm at my wits end, I don't know what else to do. I've started taking things away from her, her privileges and things she likes to do. Any suggestions if you've been here or something I'm not thinking of.
This is not uncommon. My 9 yo daughter does exactly the same thing. It's like she's on the go all day when it's time for bed she slows down and then her brain kicks in starts thinking about how her leg (or other body part) is sore, remembers something she was supposed to tell me earlier, complains about not being able to sleep (even when she's knackered). It can take an hour for her to go to sleep.
I don't have an answer but I have stopped entertaining her nonsense. When she comes into the lounge I ask what she wants then go back to watching tv and ignore her. Also helps to have one on one girl time and let her take the lead with what you do.0 -
Thank you again, everyone. I will most definitely take your advice and I will schedule counseling for her this week. I now understand that her feelings are legit and need to be addressed as such. I can see how wrong I was in how I treated the situation. I'm thankful for all of your responses (both positive and negative).
As hard as it was to read the negative responses and those of you who say she would be better off without me, etc., I still appreciate your adding your voice to my topic. It's just what I needed to hear. And for those of you who PM'd me, thank you for taking the time and concern to let me know private what your thoughts and ideas were.
THANK YOU. Starting tonight I am going to start rewarding good behavior. We had a great day alone together today, with a lot of insightful conversations.
Don't take the really negative remarks to heart. I bet those who posted them wouldn't be nearly so gracious as you have been if their parenting methods were questions. Like you said, there is no manual.0 -
It's more than just sleeping in a separate room. These are major life changes. She's only 8. I highly recommend family counseling to help her adjust.
I agree, and will repeat for emphasis -- this is not about sleep or separation anxiety. This is about changing her whole world and the important people in it.
I would highly recommend some family counseling to help EVERYONE adjust in a healthy manner.0 -
Well we had a semi-successful night last night, using the advice many of you gave. I do want to say that getting her a pet is not an option. So no need to argue about that any longer
I went through our usual bed-time routine, but I stayed and laid with her until she fell asleep. We read a chapter in her book, then talked a little, and soon she was dozing off. I snuck out about a half-hour later, and she slept until 4:25 a.m., and came to my room. I sent her back to bed, but she continued crying so after about 10 minutes, I went back in and laid with her and she quickly fell back to sleep.
I don't want to re-create the same dependency issues I'm trying to break by needing to be there while she falls asleep, but if I can eventually wean her off of it, and have her feel comfortable and safe knowing I'm in the next room, then I'll do it as long as it takes.
Any more suggestions would be appreciated.
I did make a reward chart as well, if she sleeps peacefully for a full week, she gets a new tablet. She's been saving her money for one, and I told her I would buy the whole thing for her if she can get through a week. Yes or no?0 -
Well we had a semi-successful night last night, using the advice many of you gave. I do want to say that getting her a pet is not an option. So no need to argue about that any longer
I went through our usual bed-time routine, but I stayed and laid with her until she fell asleep. We read a chapter in her book, then talked a little, and soon she was dozing off. I snuck out about a half-hour later, and she slept until 4:25 a.m., and came to my room. I sent her back to bed, but she continued crying so after about 10 minutes, I went back in and laid with her and she quickly fell back to sleep.
I don't want to re-create the same dependency issues I'm trying to break by needing to be there while she falls asleep, but if I can eventually wean her off of it, and have her feel comfortable and safe knowing I'm in the next room, then I'll do it as long as it takes.
Any more suggestions would be appreciated.
I did make a reward chart as well, if she sleeps peacefully for a full week, she gets a new tablet. She's been saving her money for one, and I told her I would buy the whole thing for her if she can get through a week. Yes or no?
Yay for progress!
If you already told her that's fine, but I would have made her go 2-3 weeks and it'd have to be her falling asleep without you there.
I recommend the Kindle Fire for kids. Best tablet you can get for not very much money. We got my oldest a cheapy Black Friday special and it's sucks. We got the 2nd daughter a refurbished Kindle Fire and it's way better.0 -
Well we had a semi-successful night last night, using the advice many of you gave. I do want to say that getting her a pet is not an option. So no need to argue about that any longer
I went through our usual bed-time routine, but I stayed and laid with her until she fell asleep. We read a chapter in her book, then talked a little, and soon she was dozing off. I snuck out about a half-hour later, and she slept until 4:25 a.m., and came to my room. I sent her back to bed, but she continued crying so after about 10 minutes, I went back in and laid with her and she quickly fell back to sleep.
I don't want to re-create the same dependency issues I'm trying to break by needing to be there while she falls asleep, but if I can eventually wean her off of it, and have her feel comfortable and safe knowing I'm in the next room, then I'll do it as long as it takes.
Any more suggestions would be appreciated.
I did make a reward chart as well, if she sleeps peacefully for a full week, she gets a new tablet. She's been saving her money for one, and I told her I would buy the whole thing for her if she can get through a week. Yes or no?
A new tablet? Can I come live at your house please?
I think a more low key "reward" may have been a bit more proportionate (you and her going out to get your nails painted or to a movie or whatever) with a bigger reward like a tablet for a few weeks of sleeping in her own bed. That said, if it works in resolving the issue completely then it might have been the right decision
I also think sending her back to her own bed was very much the right thing to do but perhaps not leaving her to cry for so long and then lying down with her.
I think a process of gradual "retreat" could work well. So every time reduce the time slightly that you are spending with her when she dozes off or settling her when she wakes in the middle of the night. This will make her comfortable in dealing with the situation knowing you wont up and suddenly leave but it is clear that your role is to guide her through the difficult time so she can learn how to do it herself rather than rely on you to "rescue" her. Teaching her self reliance is a good thing.0
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