Parenting ADVICE NEEDED!

Options
12346»

Replies

  • thinkbean
    thinkbean Posts: 25 Member
    Options
    You *are* a good mama. That's why you asked in the first place. Here are hugs. (( )) in case you need them. Parenting is harder than any fitness goals we have laid out for ourselves!
  • MikeCrazy
    MikeCrazy Posts: 2,716 Member
    Options
    You *are* a good mama. That's why you asked in the first place. Here are hugs. (( )) in case you need them. Parenting is harder than any fitness goals we have laid out for ourselves!

    I just started, and I wholly agree...
  • greentart
    greentart Posts: 411 Member
    Options
    Well we had a semi-successful night last night, using the advice many of you gave. I do want to say that getting her a pet is not an option. So no need to argue about that any longer :)

    I went through our usual bed-time routine, but I stayed and laid with her until she fell asleep. We read a chapter in her book, then talked a little, and soon she was dozing off. I snuck out about a half-hour later, and she slept until 4:25 a.m., and came to my room. I sent her back to bed, but she continued crying so after about 10 minutes, I went back in and laid with her and she quickly fell back to sleep.

    I don't want to re-create the same dependency issues I'm trying to break by needing to be there while she falls asleep, but if I can eventually wean her off of it, and have her feel comfortable and safe knowing I'm in the next room, then I'll do it as long as it takes.

    Any more suggestions would be appreciated.

    I did make a reward chart as well, if she sleeps peacefully for a full week, she gets a new tablet. She's been saving her money for one, and I told her I would buy the whole thing for her if she can get through a week. Yes or no?

    A new tablet? Can I come live at your house please?

    I think a more low key "reward" may have been a bit more proportionate (you and her going out to get your nails painted or to a movie or whatever) with a bigger reward like a tablet for a few weeks of sleeping in her own bed. That said, if it works in resolving the issue completely then it might have been the right decision ;)

    I also think sending her back to her own bed was very much the right thing to do but perhaps not leaving her to cry for so long and then lying down with her.

    I think a process of gradual "retreat" could work well. So every time reduce the time slightly that you are spending with her when she dozes off or settling her when she wakes in the middle of the night. This will make her comfortable in dealing with the situation knowing you wont up and suddenly leave but it is clear that your role is to guide her through the difficult time so she can learn how to do it herself rather than rely on you to "rescue" her. Teaching her self reliance is a good thing.

    I agree with this. I think a tablet should be for a longer amount of time of success, as it's quite a big reward. And the idea of rewarding her independence by doing something with her is great. It helps reinforce that you're there for her.
  • Hope2BFit81
    Hope2BFit81 Posts: 77 Member
    Options
    I think the first week is going to be the hardest for her, so I wanted to give her a great reward for doing such an awesome job when she accomplishes it. Besides, I'm pretty sure an outing costs just as much as a tablet anymore! After she makes it through the first week, I will make her reward fun outings that just she and I can do together. She may value that much more than a tablet anyway. Thanks for your contributions, guys :)
  • 949BeachMom
    949BeachMom Posts: 89
    Options
    Why dont you move her to the room across from you. Im sure the boys wont mind. We used to always trade rooms when I was younger lol. Or foster a little girl so she has a companion .
  • impyimpyaj
    impyimpyaj Posts: 1,073 Member
    Options
    Or foster a little girl so she has a companion .

    :noway: WTF? Go get another kid so the one you have has someone to play with? That's worse than the pet suggestion.
  • MomTo3Lovez
    MomTo3Lovez Posts: 800 Member
    Options
    Or foster a little girl so she has a companion .

    :huh: :noway:
  • skippygirlsmom
    skippygirlsmom Posts: 4,433 Member
    Options
    Glad things were better last night. I'm not a fan of rewards for good behavior to be honest, it's their job to behave, get good grades, keep their rooms clean etc. But if that helps I would go with the smaller reward of getting nails done etc.
  • MissyAZjourney
    MissyAZjourney Posts: 96 Member
    Options
    I only read thru the first page of responses, but My daughter went thru something similar around that age after the loss of her grandfather. My husband (at the time) was very impatient and tried to be tough and make her "get over it" and that just wont work. we are talking pure terror inside here and if someone told you to get over it when you were truly scared...aye. she's 21 now and still vividly remembers the fear.

    Instead of a pill or medicine, try some chamomile tea with honey...and a nice relaxing foot massage as part of the bedtime routine with lavander oil. Then explan to her that for XXX time you will lay with her till she falls asleep. then after that time you will sit by her bed holding her hand till she falls asleep. then for the next period of time you will sit by the bed but not holding hands. slowly you move your chair further away from the bed even into the hallway if you need to. This actually worked...it took some time and it was hard for me becuase her idiot father was livid... But we were given children as gifts...we should treat them as such without spoiling them.

    the reward system would also be great...small rewards. No kids shouldn't have to be rewarded for things they are expected to do...chores or grades...but this is something completely different. I reward myself for losing weight...its hard and i pushed thru it. same could be said for her.
  • MissyAZjourney
    MissyAZjourney Posts: 96 Member
    Options
    Oh...one more thing....we had an agreement that if she woke in the middle of the night she could come in our room and sleep on the floor...not in our bed. I dont know if your boyfriend would be comfortable with that or not...but it solved going thru the whole start the whole routine over at 4 am. I just kept telling myself...she won't wanna do this when she is 12... and its true...she outgrew it on her own.
  • FatFreeFrolicking
    FatFreeFrolicking Posts: 4,252 Member
    Options
    I cannot believe you're taking privileges away for this! Seriously, family therapy -- you, your daughter, your boyfriend and his kids. You need professional guidance. You're not handling it even close to correctly. She's 8. You got divorced and now you've moved her in with a stranger (and, yes, he's a stranger).

    Everything about her life -- access to you, routine, sleeping arrangements, EVERYTHING has changed.

    I have to agree with this. She is still little and has gone through some big changes in her short 8 years of life so far; you and her father divorcing, moving into a new home, adjusting to your boyfriend, "step" siblings, etc. This can be very overwhelming for a young child.

    I find it alarming that at 8 years old, she thinks she needs medication to fall asleep. Her complaints of stomach and headaches are classic signs of anxiety. When I was a child, I always complained of stomach and headaches. It wasn't until high school that I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder. Difficulty sleeping at night (fighting bedtime) is also a sign of anxiety. She could really be suffering... I don't think it would hurt to ask her pediatrician to refer her to a psychiatrist/psychologist to get her evaluated.

    In the meantime, routine is going to be very important for her. Come up with some kind of bedtime routine and stick to it every night…. bath time, read books, play a memory game, etc. Make sure you begin bath time or reading books at the same time every night. Does she have a favorite stuffed animal that she sleeps with? If not, maybe go on a mommy-daughter date and find a stuffed animal she loves.
  • thinkbean
    thinkbean Posts: 25 Member
    Options
    I think a chart with a reward system is awesome. You could also do a marble jar, where she puts a set amount in for things and sleeping through gets the most, and she can "spend" them on smaller rewards (e.g., ice cream with you, a movie, a trip to five below...) or "save" them for a big thing (e.g., a tablet, a "sleepover" in the living room with mom or something...). That way, you aren't set into a pattern that breaks the bank with expensive rewards, and she can tailor the system to her needs (if she likes short-cycle reinforcement vs. if she can hold off...which sometimes varies by the week!). You could do this with her chart too, # of stickers can be "traded in".

    You could set up a jar for each of the boys as well, and assign household chores for marbles so they are in on the fun and they feel more like siblings in that respect, but the rewards can be tailored to the child (they may like time with Dad or time with you, even). I found with my kids (or even my students) they preferred experiences to tangible rewards (sitting in the special chair at school or with my kids, going somewhere alone with me).

    Good luck and keep us posted! xo
  • Hope2BFit81
    Hope2BFit81 Posts: 77 Member
    Options
    We had a 100% successful night last night!! I hope this continues! I made her a reward chart, and now that she can see what she has to work toward, I think it really reinforced it for her. I asked her if she woke up at all last night, and she said yes, but that she just went back to sleep after seeing I wasn't there. HOOOORAY!!! Her first small reward is being able to sleep in the bunk bed in the boy's room if she can make it to the weekend. More incentive for her to keep doing so good. I actually had to go in and wake her up this morning, and I made sure to tell her how awesome she did! :D
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    Options
    We had a 100% successful night last night!! I hope this continues! I made her a reward chart, and now that she can see what she has to work toward, I think it really reinforced it for her. I asked her if she woke up at all last night, and she said yes, but that she just went back to sleep after seeing I wasn't there. HOOOORAY!!! Her first small reward is being able to sleep in the bunk bed in the boy's room if she can make it to the weekend. More incentive for her to keep doing so good. I actually had to go in and wake her up this morning, and I made sure to tell her how awesome she did! :D

    Huzzah! I don't know you but I am chuffed to bits for you and your little girl.

    I would expect her to continue to have episodes at some point in the future but as long as they are decreasing in frequency then you are moving in the right direction. Be patient, be kind but be consistent with your approach and you will be golden ;)

    Being a parent is such a hard job but so rewarding as well.
  • Hope2BFit81
    Hope2BFit81 Posts: 77 Member
    Options
    Yes and yes :) Thanks!
  • HellaCarriefornia
    HellaCarriefornia Posts: 102 Member
    Options
    Glad to hear it and wishing you continued success!
  • Reedern
    Reedern Posts: 525 Member
    Options
    My suggestion is simply just talk to her. Find out why she feels the need to act the way she does, then find some kind of common ground by creating a new bedtime routine with her. Early in this topic someone suggested reading a book "with" her not "to" her because she is old enough to read it herself. Or be creative and you two can think of something else to do together that will be calming and reassuring to her. Just don't be angry, and snap at her. She is looking for comfort it sounds like. Maybe if she gets to give her opinion on a new routine and feel important that way, she will be more likely to commit to it?
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,931 Member
    Options
    She needs to learn to deal with it. If it is truly separation anxiety and is this severe I would say counseling may help.

    ^ This.
    Show her you love her and get her some help.
  • skippygirlsmom
    skippygirlsmom Posts: 4,433 Member
    Options
    We had a 100% successful night last night!! I hope this continues! I made her a reward chart, and now that she can see what she has to work toward, I think it really reinforced it for her. I asked her if she woke up at all last night, and she said yes, but that she just went back to sleep after seeing I wasn't there. HOOOORAY!!! Her first small reward is being able to sleep in the bunk bed in the boy's room if she can make it to the weekend. More incentive for her to keep doing so good. I actually had to go in and wake her up this morning, and I made sure to tell her how awesome she did! :D

    Awesome!

Categories