Keeping secrets in a relationship

2014Christina
2014Christina Posts: 49
in Chit-Chat
Hello again MFP people :smile:

This is a spin off from my last thread
> http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1421881-he-snooped-i-need-your-opinions

Some of you sent me some really nice messages (thank you) and someone said it was okay to keep a secret or two in a relationship. So.... just wondering how many of you actually do this.

Also, is it considered a lie just because you don't tell your SO something? I'm not referring to infidelity here.

Thank you for the great (and some funny) replies in my last thread :smile:
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Replies

  • Toblave
    Toblave Posts: 244 Member
    A lie of omission is still a lie.
  • ceron1234
    ceron1234 Posts: 19 Member
    I do not believe there can be total honesty in any relationship; parent to child, friends or even in a marriage.

    Sometimes you need to instill confidence in your child and will "stretch the truth" as to their abilities.

    Sometimes in order not to hurt your partner, total honesty is not required. "Do these jeans make my butt look big"?

    Discretion is needed in so many aspects of life. Being "totally honest" is an excuse that some people hide behind just to be rude and uncaring.

    Just my opinion.
  • FindingAmy77
    FindingAmy77 Posts: 1,268 Member
    A lie of omission is still a lie.

    I agree and my husband and I have had this discussion many times in our ten years together. I mean if you think of it realisticly you are only lying to yourself because your SO is your somebody and everyone needs their somebody so why have distrust and lies in the mix. its already hard enough to live with someone and if you cant share your life and struggles then what is it all for?
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
    While I might not share every little detail of my day, I don't keep secrets by omission or otherwise. My definition of secret is "would this hurt him?". If the answer is yes, it's something I wouldn't do, much less keep from him.
  • Collier78
    Collier78 Posts: 811 Member
    While I might not share every little detail of my day, I don't keep secrets by omission or otherwise. My definition of secret is "would this hurt him?". If the answer is yes, it's something I wouldn't do, much less keep from him.

    ^^This...if you live by this then you never have to worry about it. The only time I keep a secret from my husband is if I am planning something special (a surprise) for him. Otherwise, I use "would this hurt/bother him?" and if the answer is yes then I don't put myself into that situation.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    I don't keep secrets overall. Mainly because I suck at it. I definitely don't keep secrets from my husband, I have nothing to hide. He used to, but now he understands how secrets can drive a wedge in between us. He used to keep secrets because he learned from a young age to do that to keep out of trouble and he didn't realize the damage it can cause in a marriage. Because when your SO finds out you have been keeping them, then you have lost their trust which is very hard to earn back.

    Oh, I do keep secrets when it's birthday/anniversary/christmas because I want him to be surprised by what I get him. But that's a totally different type of secret. One that benefits the other person rather than deceives them.
  • Timelordlady85
    Timelordlady85 Posts: 797 Member
    I do not believe there can be total honesty in any relationship; parent to child, friends or even in a marriage.

    Sometimes you need to instill confidence in your child and will "stretch the truth" as to their abilities.

    Sometimes in order not to hurt your partner, total honesty is not required. "Do these jeans make my butt look big"?

    Discretion is needed in so many aspects of life. Being "totally honest" is an excuse that some people hide behind just to be rude and uncaring.

    Just my opinion.

    I agree with your opinion. :drinker:
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
    Keeping it a secret the number of sheets of toilet paper you use when you go to the bathroom: okay.

    Keeping it a secret that you're doing drugs with your ex-husband: not okay.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    I do not believe there can be total honesty in any relationship; parent to child, friends or even in a marriage.

    Sometimes you need to instill confidence in your child and will "stretch the truth" as to their abilities.

    Sometimes in order not to hurt your partner, total honesty is not required. "Do these jeans make my butt look big"?

    Discretion is needed in so many aspects of life. Being "totally honest" is an excuse that some people hide behind just to be rude and uncaring.

    Just my opinion.

    I agree with everything you have said except the first statement. I believe there can and should be total honesty in any successful relationship. I don't mean that I believe you should go out of your way to "hide behind" total honesty " just to be rude and uncaring", but if someone I care about asks me a direct question, I believe they are entitled to an honest answer.

    I'm not going to go out of my way to tell my wife that when she gets her nails done I don't care for sparkles in her polish, but, if she asks me how I like them done, I'll tell her. I know that is a ridiculous analogy, but.....
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    Sometimes I just keep the whole relationship a secret
  • 2014Christina
    2014Christina Posts: 49
    Is it okay to lie about my weight?? :embarassed:
  • Strange_magic
    Strange_magic Posts: 370 Member
    here's my rule of thumb/

    If it's a secret I wouldn't want kept from me, it's clearly not a secret I should keep.
    If it's something I wouldn't give a crap about I may not say a word.

    Sometimes it's not worth a fight over something dumb
  • JT_Taylor99
    JT_Taylor99 Posts: 148
    Keeping secrets always has a way of coming back to bite you in the *kitten*. Total honesty is the best policy I would never keep secrets from my SO and I wouldn't expect her to do it to me.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    If you can't be totally honest with your SO/spouse, who can you be totally honest with?! There are certainly things I wouldn't voluntarily share just due to the fact that I feel like it's my business (things I buy for myself - we keep money separate) or it's something he wouldn't care about anyway (what I did with my girlfriends) but I would be honest with him if asked.

    Plus I suck at lying, mostly because I have a horrible memory and don't think well on the spot, so telling the truth just makes my life less complicated and nerve-wracking.
  • TheBrolympus
    TheBrolympus Posts: 586 Member
    Honesty is the best policy unless you ate the last piece of cheesecake that belonged to your pregnant wife. Then you're better off blaming one of the kids.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Is it okay to lie about my weight?? :embarassed:

    if he has eyes, he can see how big you are... not telling him the correct number doesnt make you look thinner!
  • Return_of_the_Big_Mac
    Return_of_the_Big_Mac Posts: 474 Member
    So does that mean I should tell her about the dead bodies in the back yard? Wouldn't that make her an accomplice? I love her. I don't want her to go to jail.
  • beardedwarriortx
    beardedwarriortx Posts: 238 Member
    I always did these things with my wife (God rest her soul)....
    Would I be ashamed if she knew what I was doing? If so, I didnt do it.
    Would it hurt her if she knew what I was doing? If yes, I didnt do it.

    So if I followed that, then there was no secrets to keep.
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
    I believe in total honesty.

    That said, I trust my husband and I know he had a life before he met me. I don't expect him to detail every little experience he's ever had or mistake he's ever made...I don't consider that an omission, either. After more than a precious decade together, I know (and adore) who he is. I know the important stuff.

    And I do expect him to tell me if I don't look my best in something and he knows it. He is polite and respectful when I ask: "That's not my favorite. How about this one?" or "I really like this outfit better." I know what he means and it never feels like an insult. After lots of lies in my past relationships, I appreciate his honesty and loyalty more than anything else!
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
    Just break up.
  • sw33tp3a11
    sw33tp3a11 Posts: 4,646 Member
    Secrets have slowly ruined my marriage.
  • 2014Christina
    2014Christina Posts: 49
    Is it okay to lie about my weight?? :embarassed:

    if he has eyes, he can see how big you are... not telling him the correct number doesnt make you look thinner!

    He thinks I'm 20lbs less than I am :happy:
  • ceron1234
    ceron1234 Posts: 19 Member
    I do not believe there can be total honesty in any relationship; parent to child, friends or even in a marriage.

    Sometimes you need to instill confidence in your child and will "stretch the truth" as to their abilities.

    Sometimes in order not to hurt your partner, total honesty is not required. "Do these jeans make my butt look big"?

    Discretion is needed in so many aspects of life. Being "totally honest" is an excuse that some people hide behind just to be rude and uncaring.

    Just my opinion.

    I agree with everything you have said except the first statement. I believe there can and should be total honesty in any successful relationship. I don't mean that I believe you should go out of your way to "hide behind" total honesty " just to be rude and uncaring", but if someone I care about asks me a direct question, I believe they are entitled to an honest answer.

    I'm not going to go out of my way to tell my wife that when she gets her nails done I don't care for sparkles in her polish, but, if she asks me how I like them done, I'll tell her. I know that is a ridiculous analogy, but.....

    Agreed
  • 2014Christina
    2014Christina Posts: 49
    Thank you everyone. All of your responses definitely got me thinking. Since he found out about the "stuff" we have had long discussions about not keeping things from one another. He's only angry that I didn't tell him about it prior.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    My boyfriend has PTSD and paranoia.

    I am careful about how I talk about my interactions with other people not to aggravate his condition. He has nothing to worry about, and I have nothing to hide, but he can take very insignificant occurrences and behaviors and blow them way out of proportion. Reassurances from me are usually not enough. I am not really lying or hiding anything. I'm just avoiding petty, unnecessary arguments.

    That being said, I am completely open with him about everything. I just color it in such a way as to not arouse his unwarranted suspicions.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    How old are you?
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    It feels better to be totally honest........even if it hurts.

    Being honest for me does not hurt anymore. It is what it is and I am who I am.
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    Is it okay to lie about my weight?? :embarassed:

    if he has eyes, he can see how big you are... not telling him the correct number doesnt make you look thinner!

    He thinks I'm 20lbs less than I am :happy:

    So.
  • Katie5961
    Katie5961 Posts: 48 Member
    Only secret the bf and I have agreed to keep is when he is proposing. Otherwise we have full open disclosure. How can you trust if there are secrets? Just, no.
  • 2014Christina
    2014Christina Posts: 49
    Is it okay to lie about my weight?? :embarassed:

    if he has eyes, he can see how big you are... not telling him the correct number doesnt make you look thinner!

    He thinks I'm 20lbs less than I am :happy:

    So.

    So? So apparently he thinks I look smaller than I am, or he's just being incredibly nice :wink:

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