Keeping secrets in a relationship
Replies
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While I might not share every little detail of my day, I don't keep secrets by omission or otherwise. My definition of secret is "would this hurt him?". If the answer is yes, it's something I wouldn't do, much less keep from him.
I like this.0 -
Well, I was going on previous posts from yesterday. It didn't seem like love entered this equation.
Doing drugs with ex-hubs and snooping each other's email and all that "stuff" doesn't paint the rosiest of pictures.
It's far from rosy, so you're right there Paige but just because something isn't rosy doesn't mean there isn't love in the equation.
In my experience of marriage/dating, it takes work sometimes and if two people want to stay together, they need to fight for it.
Didn't you say that the only reason why you were in the relationship at all is because "dating is hard."?
OP is losing track of her online persona. LOL You see what happens how you lied either yesterday or today?
Dating is hard or you love him are two completely different things. Unfortunately the just break up responses you got yesterday still apply to both answers.
Don't forget that it's an unhealthy relationship according to her. And they've had NO trust since they started dating.
Nah OP said we are doomed from yesterday thread and today she now in LOVE. OP is not good at lying. Keep trying though.
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We do not keep secrets from each other nor do I hide anything from him. He knows my passwords, he has access to my computer, email, phone. He has no reason to snoop. He can pick my phone up at any time and use it. answer texts for me etc. and I have no issue with that and the same goes for him and his stuff. I am always on his phone for him sending texts and I'll answer it if he's not around. I know that if I were to ever start gaining weight to a point where it is very noticeable he'd tell me and I'd be thankful for that.
When he was away for a weekend I went out to a local bar to listen to a friend who was playing there and I got picked up by a guy. I sent my husband a text telling him I still got it and when he got home I told him about it and we had a good laugh.
Heck I don't even lie about purchases I make when I go to the store (mostly because he's the one that benefits from them
) I might not tell him how much something costs like when I bought a pair of shoes last week at a store that's typically expensive he asked if they were on sale and I said "Well, kind of -ish." with a shrug which he pretty much knows it meant no:laugh:
I don't know. Maybe he and I are just weird but I can't imagine hiding anything from him or doing something behind his back that I'd later have to lie about. We trust each other completely and see no reasons for secrets.
Our honesty between each other and the fact that we *gasp* talk is the main reason why he and I have never had an argument.
This sounds exactly like my husband and me. We have to trust each other, considering he's a trucker and is on the road several months out of the year. It seems like such common sense, but apparently it's not!0 -
Well, I was going on previous posts from yesterday. It didn't seem like love entered this equation.
Doing drugs with ex-hubs and snooping each other's email and all that "stuff" doesn't paint the rosiest of pictures.
It's far from rosy, so you're right there Paige but just because something isn't rosy doesn't mean there isn't love in the equation.
In my experience of marriage/dating, it takes work sometimes and if two people want to stay together, they need to fight for it.
Didn't you say that the only reason why you were in the relationship at all is because "dating is hard."?
Yes, sometimes I think we stay together because dating is hard. I also said I loved him and cared for him.
Yes, it has been no picnic. He had commitment problems from day one (he was married twice). Me, well, I was left for another woman once so, past relationships were not so good for us.
Oh and to answer your question from earlier, I'm 49. I thought that showed up on my profile. Sorry.
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Nah OP said we are doomed from yesterday thread and today she now in LOVE. OP is not good at lying. Keep trying though.
Gee thanks. I've been with him for 4 years, of course I love him.
Maybe I'm the only person I know that had effed up relationships, maybe it's me but I'm not lying here.0 -
Yes, sometimes I think we stay together because dating is hard. I also said I loved him and cared for him.
Yes, it has been no picnic. He had commitment problems from day one (he was married twice). Me, well, I was left for another woman once so, past relationships were not so good for us.
Oh and to answer your question from earlier, I'm 49. I thought that showed up on my profile. Sorry.
Past relationships were not good for you.
So you're basically letting what happened to you in the past rule you're future.
It's in the past. Get over it. My husband was married before me and it wasn't the best relationship but guess what? He got over it and we've been married for 8 years together for a total of about 20.
If you're staying together because "dating is hard" then that's not a reason. It doesn't matter if you love and care about him. I love and care about a lot of people but it doesn't mean I'll stay with them because it's convenient.
The two of you have major issues, none of which are good or healthy. You either need to seek counseling if you truly want to be with him or end the relationship. Sure being single is scary and a boat load of no fun but I'd rather be single and happy than in a relationship where there is zero trust and commitment issues and I'm miserable.0 -
I don't know if you're in a relationship Paige but if you are, I envy you. It must be great. Good for you! :flowerforyou:0 -
Gee thanks. I've been with him for 4 years, of course I love him
So?0 -
Nah OP said we are doomed from yesterday thread and today she now in LOVE. OP is not good at lying. Keep trying though.
Gee thanks. I've been with him for 4 years, of course I love him.
Maybe I'm the only person I know that had effed up relationships, maybe it's me but I'm not lying here.
OP you are settling for this guy because "dating is so hard."0 -
Yes, sometimes I think we stay together because dating is hard. I also said I loved him and cared for him.
Yes, it has been no picnic. He had commitment problems from day one (he was married twice). Me, well, I was left for another woman once so, past relationships were not so good for us.
Oh and to answer your question from earlier, I'm 49. I thought that showed up on my profile. Sorry.
Past relationships were not good for you.
So you're basically letting what happened to you in the past rule you're future.
It's in the past. Get over it. My husband was married before me and it wasn't the best relationship but guess what? He got over it and we've been married for 8 years together for a total of about 20.
If you're staying together because "dating is hard" then that's not a reason. It doesn't matter if you love and care about him. I love and care about a lot of people but it doesn't mean I'll stay with them because it's convenient.
The two of you have major issues, none of which are good or healthy. You either need to seek counseling if you truly want to be with him or end the relationship. Sure being single is scary and a boat load of no fun but I'd rather be single and happy than in a relationship where there is zero trust and commitment issues and I'm miserable.
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.0 -
Gee thanks. I've been with him for 4 years, of course I love him
So?
People in love a have time limit. 4 years of course she loves him. Mental note date someone for four years and I should be in love by that time. Do you hear yourself OP?0 -
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
And who needs trust and commitment when you have good sex???0 -
While I might not share every little detail of my day, I don't keep secrets by omission or otherwise. My definition of secret is "would this hurt him?". If the answer is yes, it's something I wouldn't do, much less keep from him.
I agree with this too. I never put myself in the position of doing something that I would have to lie about or hide from him. Well okay my nails really cost $30 to have done not $25, but that is as bad as it gets.0 -
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.
I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.0 -
I don't know if you're in a relationship Paige but if you are, I envy you. It must be great. Good for you! :flowerforyou:
Having been in a miserable relationship with major trust issues I can tell you from experience that it's not worth it. It will NEVER be worth it. I am in a new relationship now and time will tell. So far, we are very open with each other. But, I guarantee if it gets to the point of the trust issues you are talking about, I will leave. Because, again, NOT WORTH IT.
Clearly, you aren't happy. Your posts today may be more optimistic than yesterday, but if you were happy you wouldn't be repeatedly posting about your relationship problems on a public forum.
Unless you are trolling.
But, if you are being serious, you really should evaluate your decisions here.0 -
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.
I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.
OP and guy NEED to discuss why they do not trust each other. Maybe guy knows something from ex hubs.0 -
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.
I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.
Agreed. Been there, done that. The anxiety from the constant strain was so bad it affected my health.0 -
I don't know if you're in a relationship Paige but if you are, I envy you. It must be great. Good for you! :flowerforyou:
Having been in a miserable relationship with major trust issues I can tell you from experience that it's not worth it. It will NEVER be worth it. I am in a new relationship now and time will tell. So far, we are very open with each other. But, I guarantee if it gets to the point of the trust issues you are talking about, I will leave. Because, again, NOT WORTH IT.
Clearly, you aren't happy. Your posts today may be more optimistic than yesterday, but if you were happy you wouldn't be repeatedly posting about your relationship problems on a public forum.
Unless you are trolling.
But, if you are being serious, you really should evaluate your decisions here.
What is trolling exactly?
The reason I posted this on a public forum is because who better to talk to than people who have experienced just this? You, for example, you were in a similar position as me and have knowledge in this and I thank you for giving me your input. Talking to you guys helps me more than you know.0 -
We do not keep secrets from each other nor do I hide anything from him. He knows my passwords, he has access to my computer, email, phone. He has no reason to snoop. He can pick my phone up at any time and use it. answer texts for me etc. and I have no issue with that and the same goes for him and his stuff. I am always on his phone for him sending texts and I'll answer it if he's not around. I know that if I were to ever start gaining weight to a point where it is very noticeable he'd tell me and I'd be thankful for that.
When he was away for a weekend I went out to a local bar to listen to a friend who was playing there and I got picked up by a guy. I sent my husband a text telling him I still got it and when he got home I told him about it and we had a good laugh.
Heck I don't even lie about purchases I make when I go to the store (mostly because he's the one that benefits from them) I might not tell him how much something costs like when I bought a pair of shoes last week at a store that's typically expensive he asked if they were on sale and I said "Well, kind of -ish." with a shrug which he pretty much knows it meant no:laugh:
I don't know. Maybe he and I are just weird but I can't imagine hiding anything from him or doing something behind his back that I'd later have to lie about. We trust each other completely and see no reasons for secrets.
Our honesty between each other and the fact that we *gasp* talk is the main reason why he and I have never had an argument.
This is how my fiance and I are. The only time he's lied to me was when we were still dating (long-distance) and he said he was going to visit his grandfather for the weekend...turns out he was really flying from San Diego to Florida to spend my birthday with me. I cannot imagine, otherwise, hiding anything from him and vice versa. We talk about and share everything.
you two are lucky! count your blessings. I pray one day I find someone I can share this type of relationship with. :flowerforyou:0 -
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.
I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.
I wish I could explain it better.0 -
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.
I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.
I wish I could explain it better.
You made it clear enough. I just never understand why people put themselves through this just to stay together. You invested a lot of time into this relationship. 4 years is a long time and your like for what now. I really do not think you are trolling because I see this happen all the time. BTW I knew you were having sex though. That was almost a given to me. Let the past be the past. That is something I myself am trying to work on too.0 -
If you're a person who has self-confidence, self-respect, and self-love (not in a narcissistic way, but more that you appreciate yourself as you are), being single isn't scary, a pain in the *kitten*, or anything like that. It's awesome. I loved being single, and I also love being in a healthy relationship. Sadly, our society seems to condition people, particularly women, to believe that they're worthless without a significant other. Even I used to believe that, and am so glad I finally figured out what a crock of *kitten* it is. There are few things more appealing than a strong, independent woman who believes in herself and has the mindset to be whatever she wants to be. OP, I suggest you do a serious self-evaluation (forget the boyfriend for now) and really think about what YOU want out of your life. Until you truly understand and learn to have faith in yourself irrespective of everything else, you'll never know real happiness.0
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So does that mean I should tell her about the dead bodies in the back yard? Wouldn't that make her an accomplice? I love her. I don't want her to go to jail.
I made sure the SO knows of the bodies in the backyard, he's afraid of me now and does what I say. Worked out nicely in our case.0 -
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.
I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.
I wish I could explain it better.
You don't need to explain it better. We got it. You're with him because it's comfortable and dating is "scary". You prefer to live in the past and let your past experiences dictate how you proceed in the future. Go ahead. Stay in your relationship that is filled with a lack of trust, commitment and communication instead of moving forward and finding something better. Just don't wonder, the next time he goes through your email, phone messages what have you and gets angry, why you're in such a crappy situation because you put yourself there and you refuse to take yourself out.0 -
It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.
I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.
I wish I could explain it better.
You made it clear enough. I just never understand why people put themselves through this just to stay together. You invested a lot of time into this relationship. 4 years is a long time and your like for what now. I really do not think you are trolling because I see this happen all the time. BTW I knew you were having sex though. That was almost a given to me. Let the past be the past. That is something I myself am trying to work on too.
some people would rather be in a relationship, however bad, than on their own. i find it quite sad.0 -
Seems like people who are up to no good are the ones that scream "violation" when they are checked on.No secrets means no pressure in these situations....imo0
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It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)
I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.
So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.
I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.
I wish I could explain it better.
You made it clear enough. I just never understand why people put themselves through this just to stay together. You invested a lot of time into this relationship. 4 years is a long time and your like for what now. I really do not think you are trolling because I see this happen all the time. BTW I knew you were having sex though. That was almost a given to me. Let the past be the past. That is something I myself am trying to work on too.
some people would rather be in a relationship, however bad, than on their own. i find it quite sad.
It is very common. People only usually hear about worst cases.0 -
I'm surprised this is the first comment that mentions right to privacy. We all have the right to privacy. Thanks, JoelleAnn, for an eloquent contribution to this important topic.Everyone is entitled to have things that they keep private. There are parts of my past I have chosen not to discuss with my husband. He has asked me point blank on some occassions, and I have said, "I am choosing not to discuss that with you. It bears no consequence on our relationship, and I prefer to let it go." He has respected my right to privacy on these issues.
From the start of our relationship, I have not kept secrets from my husband. I also do not do things that would be harmful, hurtful to our relationship that I would need to keep secret from him. We are very open and honest with each other. More often than not I say things like, "In the interest of full disclosure, I ate the last cookie. It wasn't ___ [our child]." Cuz, I feel guilty if he is mislead on something - even if I have not intentially mislead him.
A healthy and stable relationship can handle honesty. It needs it to thrive.
Imagine this scenario: You're happily married/in a relationship. At work/hobby you all of a sudden develop feelings for someone else, who seems to view you in the same light. Regardless of that person's relationship status you decide not to act upon it, but simply accept it as part of life; we have hormones, feelings, etc. and can be interested in more than one person throughout our lives. What good would it do to your partner to share this situation? You haven't done anything wrong, you haven't acted in any way upon the feelings. You are honest to yourself about your personal life and you have the right to privacy. Just shut up about it and move on, I say.
Bonus twist to the story: If you were to vent in your diary and your insecure partner were to snoop around, find out about this non-affair, the only person, who has done anything wrong, is your insecure, snooping partner.0 -
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My DW works for the government, so lots of "secrets" kept from me.:laugh:
As for me, I secretly do "sexy" dances in front of the mirror without her knowing. I'm betting that she doesn't care.
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