Keeping secrets in a relationship

UsedToBeHusky

As for me, I secretly do "sexy" dances in front of the mirror without her knowing. I'm betting that she doesn't care.

How certain are you that she doesn't know?

*searches Youtube for "silly Asian man dancing"*

yopeeps025

It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)

I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.

So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.

I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.

I wish I could explain it better.

You made it clear enough. I just never understand why people put themselves through this just to stay together. You invested a lot of time into this relationship. 4 years is a long time and your like for what now. I really do not think you are trolling because I see this happen all the time. BTW I knew you were having sex though. That was almost a given to me. Let the past be the past. That is something I myself am trying to work on too.

some people would rather be in a relationship, however bad, than on their own. i find it quite sad.

Yep. I know so many people that will not get out of their relationship unless they have another one started and can jump over. It's ridiculous. But, I try not to judge too much. I'm an odd duck. I can be alone for long periods of time, maybe forever. I do not like being around people constantly. So, for me, that need is super odd.

I typically will break up if I'm not happy, and then be alone for a while, maybe years, and then someone else comes into my life. I don't even try or look. It just happens. That's the way I like it. I grow tremendously is those alone periods. So, I think it's vital.

They put in a two weeks notice to break up.

1Cor1510

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Bonus twist to the story: If you were to vent in your diary and your insecure partner were to snoop around, find out about this non-affair, the only person, who has done anything wrong, is your insecure, snooping partner.
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I've been in this situation, not about a non-affair, but I was very unhappy with a work situation for a while and kept a journal. Hubs read it. I was furious. Sometimes your private thoughts should remain private. Thoughts are not actions, and if everyone knew their SO's thoughts I doubt many of us would be in relationships. Being in a relationship doesn't entitle your SO to snoop into something that's obviously private.

sus49

If you want a REAL relationship with someone who loves you for who you are you have to: 1) Be who you are 2) never lie to them. Sorry, but if you are lying to your partner you are not building a great trusting relationship, you are building a lie.

pepperpat64

My DW works for the government, so lots of "secrets" kept from me.:laugh:

As for me, I secretly do "sexy" dances in front of the mirror without her knowing. I'm betting that she doesn't care.

Video or it didn't happen.

Unknown

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AglaeaC

I don't care much for the sanctimonious contributions here. Sometimes all life hands us are the alternatives "Bad" and "Even Worse". Nobody on the outside gets to judge us on what grounds we choose either of the two -or choose nothing at all or both - and sometimes even our partner is on the outside in relation to said decision. The only person to know my own "bigger picture" is myself, and I personally act with that in mind, doing my best to be a good person. If that means telling the occasional lie, then so be it. You never know all the details, so your judgment comes from the top of a high horse. As long as my god is happy, I'm happy.

pepperpat64

I don't care much for the sanctimonious contributions here. Sometimes all life hands us are the alternatives "Bad" and "Even Worse". Nobody on the outside gets to judge us on what grounds we choose either of the two -or choose nothing at all or both - and sometimes even our partner is on the outside in relation to said decision. The only person to know my own "bigger picture" is myself, and I personally act with that in mind, doing my best to be a good person. If that means telling the occasional lie, then so be it. You never know all the details, so your judgment comes from the top of a high horse. As long as my god is happy, I'm happy.

Duly noted.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I'm sure there's plenty of stuff I haven't told him, but I can't think of anything that I purposely keep from him.

Miss_1999

Sometimes I just keep the whole relationship a secret

I think we have a winner.

El_Cunado

A lie of omission is still a lie.

This^^

ceron1234

If you have a secret and you know that by telling your SO it will totally devastate him/her and the ONLY reason for revealing it is because you feel guilty and to clear your own conscience then keep it to your self. There is no reason for intentionally causing extreme emotional distress upon your SO just to clear your conscience. That is just selfish on your part.

Probably not a popular answer but it is a conversation that my wife of 27 years and I have had before.

AglaeaC

If you have a secret and you know that by telling your SO it will totally devastate him/her and the ONLY reason for revealing it is because you feel guilty and to clear your own conscience then keep it to your self. There is no reason for intentionally causing extreme emotional distress upon your SO just to clear your conscience. That is just selfish on your part.

Probably not a popular answer but it is a conversation that my wife of 27 years and I have had before.

This is how I'd respond if you were my partner:

If you've cheated on me I'd want to know so I can make an informed decision regarding my wishes for our shared (or not) future. I just don't know how I'd react before I've actually been in that situation, whether I'd stay with you or not. I may never want to see you again or I may be able to forgive you.

If you've developed feelings for someone else, but want to stay with me, do not say a word. Ever. This is what I meant by my comment on page 4.

2014Christina

Boy, I'm really screwed up, I don't think I was honest in any of my relationships :frown:

randomtai

A lie of omission is still a lie.

This^^

This^^

PRMinx

If you have a secret and you know that by telling your SO it will totally devastate him/her and the ONLY reason for revealing it is because you feel guilty and to clear your own conscience then keep it to your self. There is no reason for intentionally causing extreme emotional distress upon your SO just to clear your conscience. That is just selfish on your part.

Probably not a popular answer but it is a conversation that my wife of 27 years and I have had before.

This is how I'd respond if you were my partner:

If you've cheated on me I'd want to know so I can make an informed decision regarding my wishes for our shared (or not) future. I just don't know how I'd react before I've actually been in that situation, whether I'd stay with you or not. I may never want to see you again or I may be able to forgive you.

If you've developed feelings for someone else, but want to stay with me, do not say a word. Ever. This is what I meant by my comment on page 4.

Agreed. If my partner cheats, I want to know so I can make the best decision for myself. Also, I want to get tested.

yopeeps025

Boy, I'm really screwed up, I don't think I was honest in any of my relationships :frown:

Not to be mean look how not being honest turn out. Past is the past though. Never to late to fall in love with someone.

burningstorm

I hope she never finds out I'm not really a doctor..I Just play one in the shed behind my house.

acorsaut89

Boy, I'm really screwed up, I don't think I was honest in any of my relationships :frown:

So I want to preface this by saying I know that not all relationships are the same and it's not fair to judge, but here's what I think from my experience and since you put this on an internet forum, it's fair game in my eyes.

I read your first post, about your boyfriend originally reading your email. If you guys aren't ever going to live together and you don't even spend the night together, is this really something you can call a true relationship? Like I get it, different strokes for different folks but you're still spending time with your ex-husband.

This isn't healthy at all, and do you maybe think it's the reason you are not moving forward? I went through a devastating separation this summer - we were together for 5 1/2 years and he had a substance abuse issue, he was emotionally abusive and it just wasn't what I wanted for my life. When I decided to leave, I left behind most of the friends I had because we met when I was 19 and all of my friends (for the most part) were our friends, but I decided to move on with my life and to do that, I needed to not interact with those people. I found out after the break up about his secrets and they still hurt me, even though we weren't together. I tried to help him with the issues he faced, I really did. But at what point did I say enough is enough? Well it took a pregnancy scare to look at my life and say if I really was pregnant, would I want him to be the father of my child? And that was my wake up call. I know you're in a MUCH MUCH different situation, but just illustrating my point. I love him deeply, and I miss him a lot but realizing that I deserve so much more than his lies and his anger and his destruction and the emotional hurt was incredibly liberating. I'm not over him, and I'll never forget him but I have worked too hard to for him to ruin who I am as a person - being with him made me angry and made me into a person I didn't want to be, even though I didn't want to admit it - ever!

I get being hurt (I'm going through it myself) but having your space can happen in a relationship which moves forward. To me this sounds like a booty call with dinners and hang outs. I care deeply about my ex, but that doesn't mean he was healthy for me to be around.

Also, a lot of people know you attract friends who are a reflection of yourself - so if your ex is friends with your current bf then there's a good chance there's something about your bf that reminds you of your husband and to me that also says you just aren't over it. Even if there's nothing sexual going on, move on - make new friends, do something for you.

Next, if he's mad about you keeping things from him but yet you don't want to live together or move forward in the relationship, I'd say either he's lying or he's crazy - if he didn't trust you (and you don't trust him) and he doesn't really plan to share his life with you then why even get mad about it? Maybe he wants more than he's letting on.

Either way - this whole situation is not healthy for you as a person. Dating someone who is friends with your ex (whether it was a good break up or not) is almost never a good idea and including your ex in entertainment plans is also not a good idea. What's an even worse idea is communicating with an ex regarding things that could be not legal because ex's can be vindictive; I know you said you get along, but there was a reason he's your ex now right?

All around - secrets or not - this situation isn't good and being in a relationship where you don't have trust, and you know this and openly accept it, is nothing more than a friend with benefits who buys you dinner.

AglaeaC

I'm not sure what we are discussing anymore. OP, why is it necessary to read your old threads to have even an inkling of what you are actually asking for? Last time I checked I'm no mind-reader.

Also, Paige, getting tested is indeed another important reason to share the information about cheating. I don't want any nasty germs from strangers thankyouverymuch. As soon as you stick it into someone else, you auto-revoke the silence card out of an STD perspective. If you're appalling enough to cheat, at least allow me to still have a functional reproductive tract with potentially someone else.

PRMinx

I'm not sure what we are discussing anymore. OP, why is it necessary to read your old threads to have even an inkling of what you are actually asking for? Last time I checked I'm no mind-reader.

Also, Paige, getting tested is indeed another important reason to share the information about cheating. I don't want any nasty germs from strangers thankyouverymuch. As soon as you stick it into someone else, you auto-revoke the silence card out of an STD perspective. If you're appalling enough to cheat, at least allow me to still have a functional reproductive tract with potentially someone else.

If only there was a like button!

pepperpat64

Boy, I'm really screwed up, I don't think I was honest in any of my relationships :frown:

So I want to preface this by saying I know that not all relationships are the same and it's not fair to judge, but here's what I think from my experience and since you put this on an internet forum, it's fair game in my eyes.

I read your first post, about your boyfriend originally reading your email. If you guys aren't ever going to live together and you don't even spend the night together, is this really something you can call a true relationship? Like I get it, different strokes for different folks but you're still spending time with your ex-husband.

This isn't healthy at all, and do you maybe think it's the reason you are not moving forward? I went through a devastating separation this summer - we were together for 5 1/2 years and he had a substance abuse issue, he was emotionally abusive and it just wasn't what I wanted for my life. When I decided to leave, I left behind most of the friends I had because we met when I was 19 and all of my friends (for the most part) were our friends, but I decided to move on with my life and to do that, I needed to not interact with those people. I found out after the break up about his secrets and they still hurt me, even though we weren't together. I tried to help him with the issues he faced, I really did. But at what point did I say enough is enough? Well it took a pregnancy scare to look at my life and say if I really was pregnant, would I want him to be the father of my child? And that was my wake up call. I know you're in a MUCH MUCH different situation, but just illustrating my point. I love him deeply, and I miss him a lot but realizing that I deserve so much more than his lies and his anger and his destruction and the emotional hurt was incredibly liberating. I'm not over him, and I'll never forget him but I have worked too hard to for him to ruin who I am as a person - being with him made me angry and made me into a person I didn't want to be, even though I didn't want to admit it - ever!

I get being hurt (I'm going through it myself) but having your space can happen in a relationship which moves forward. To me this sounds like a booty call with dinners and hang outs. I care deeply about my ex, but that doesn't mean he was healthy for me to be around.

Also, a lot of people know you attract friends who are a reflection of yourself - so if your ex is friends with your current bf then there's a good chance there's something about your bf that reminds you of your husband and to me that also says you just aren't over it. Even if there's nothing sexual going on, move on - make new friends, do something for you.

Next, if he's mad about you keeping things from him but yet you don't want to live together or move forward in the relationship, I'd say either he's lying or he's crazy - if he didn't trust you (and you don't trust him) and he doesn't really plan to share his life with you then why even get mad about it? Maybe he wants more than he's letting on.

Either way - this whole situation is not healthy for you as a person. Dating someone who is friends with your ex (whether it was a good break up or not) is almost never a good idea and including your ex in entertainment plans is also not a good idea. What's an even worse idea is communicating with an ex regarding things that could be not legal because ex's can be vindictive; I know you said you get along, but there was a reason he's your ex now right?

All around - secrets or not - this situation isn't good and being in a relationship where you don't have trust, and you know this and openly accept it, is nothing more than a friend with benefits who buys you dinner.

Well said.

It's entirely possible to love, and be in love with, someone and still not be able to have a healthy relationship with them.

Blacklance36

While I might not share every little detail of my day, I don't keep secrets by omission or otherwise. My definition of secret is "would this hurt him?". If the answer is yes, it's something I wouldn't do, much less keep from him.

Makes sense.

I don't want to be worried about having to tell my S.O. everything...I don't want to have 2 hour conversations every day about what happened in my day. Neither do I want to be so joined at the hip that I don't have a life of my own. I really don't understand couples that have to do everything together all the time. I have my own life and my own friends, and so does she.

I also don't want my SO to have free access to my e mails and phone. I have a friend who's wife sees all of his e mails. We were sitting around and watching a game with some other friends and were talking about an e mail that went around our group. He had not received it and the originator said he did not send it to him as he knew that his SO would see it. It was just a joke e mail but the point is that if sent it was to THEM, not to him. Of course he is also the guy that could not come on a guys ski weekend because his wife would not let him unless she got to go too....so he had to miss out. (insert sound of a whip cracking here).

hbrittingham

If you have a secret and you know that by telling your SO it will totally devastate him/her and the ONLY reason for revealing it is because you feel guilty and to clear your own conscience then keep it to your self. There is no reason for intentionally causing extreme emotional distress upon your SO just to clear your conscience. That is just selfish on your part.

Probably not a popular answer but it is a conversation that my wife of 27 years and I have had before.

If you have done something that would be totally devastating to your SO, keeping it from them isn't the right thing to do, in my opinion. Because most likely, they will find out eventually and then you have totally devastated them twice, once for doing the act and the other for being deceitful and causing them to wonder how many other things you have done that would break their heart, but haven't told them about. Secrets are extremely harmful to a relationship, because they generally don't stay secrets forever.


I do find it interesting to see how many people took the OP to be about lying as opposed to keeping secrets. I don't think they are the same, though I do do think they are both things that can cause harm to a relationship.

BTW, my husband and I have each others' passwords to everything.

bugaboo_sue

While I might not share every little detail of my day, I don't keep secrets by omission or otherwise. My definition of secret is "would this hurt him?". If the answer is yes, it's something I wouldn't do, much less keep from him.

Makes sense.

I don't want to be worried about having to tell my S.O. everything...I don't want to have 2 hour conversations every day about what happened in my day. Neither do I want to be so joined at the hip that I don't have a life of my own. I really don't understand couples that have to do everything together all the time. I have my own life and my own friends, and so does she.

I also don't want my SO to have free access to my e mails and phone. I have a friend who's wife sees all of his e mails. We were sitting around and watching a game with some other friends and were talking about an e mail that went around our group. He had not received it and the originator said he did not send it to him as he knew that his SO would see it. It was just a joke e mail but the point is that if sent it was to THEM, not to him. Of course he is also the guy that could not come on a guys ski weekend because his wife would not let him unless she got to go too....so he had to miss out. (insert sound of a whip cracking here).

I don't know. My husband has access to my emails and phone and vice versa however it's not something we abuse. I'll answer his phone for him if I hear it ring and he left it upstairs (his office is downstairs) because sometimes his business associates call him on his cell. Same for checking texts. He'll answer my texts sometimes if he hears something come in or he'll tell me so and so sent me a text (I have a distinct ring tone for each friend). Neither one of us would ever just go through each others stuff even though we have nothing to hide.

We have lives of our own but we also enjoy sharing things with each other (it worked better before I started my own business and also became his office manager and we now work together). Wanting to hear about someone's day has nothing to do with "being joined at the hip" or "not having your own life" and neither does wanting to spend time with your SO. We spend loads of time with each other but we also have our own lives as well.

As for your friend missing out on a ski weekend because she "wouldn't let him" well, that's a whole other set of issues!

2014Christina

OP, I'm starting to like you more and more. Don't be shy about starting threads. Open your heart and let it out Through your intercession, you encourage the MFP community to *share*. Thank you

Thank you.... I think

Do I dare start a new thread on trust??

DenDweller

While I might not share every little detail of my day, I don't keep secrets by omission or otherwise. My definition of secret is "would this hurt him?". If the answer is yes, it's something I wouldn't do, much less keep from him.

Exactly right.

Too many people try to "word-lawyer" their way into compliance with an arbitrary set of rules to make themselves feel better. What they should be doing is accepting responsibility to act with good judgement and to recognize the obligation inherent in maintaining a long-term, healthy, adult relationship.

2014Christina

I read your first post, about your boyfriend originally reading your email. If you guys aren't ever going to live together and you don't even spend the night together, is this really something you can call a true relationship? Like I get it, different strokes for different folks but you're still spending time with your ex-husband.

It's ideal for the both of us.... we have both been married and in other relationships in the past and are completely content with what we have now. We do discuss the idea of buying a house together someday but for the time being, I will not move into his condo in the burbs and he will not move into my house in the city. After sleeping alone for so long and at our age, you become accustomed to your own space. Since my divorced in 1993, I have never lived with another man. I was proposed to twice after my divorce and turned them both down. This is my third long term relationship after my divorce and minus the trust issues, it's perfect in our eyes.

Also, a lot of people know you attract friends who are a reflection of yourself - so if your ex is friends with your current bf then there's a good chance there's something about your bf that reminds you of your husband and to me that also says you just aren't over it. Even if there's nothing sexual going on, move on - make new friends, do something for you.

My ex husband and my bf are friends because of me. They met when I started dating him. I have no sexual feelings for my ex whatsoever :sick:

My relationship with my ex is the way it is because we are mature adults who thought of our children first when we decided to divorce. My kids were 3 and 5 at the time and we made their lives as normal as a divorced couple possibly can. He's a good dad and a good ex husband and friend. My ex husband lives around the corner, that's how I met him and I have lived in my current house since I was 5, so there is quite a bit of history there but I don't want to bore you.

Trust is our only problem and it's a big one which started from the beginning. The reason we let it go was because of our attraction toward one another. Who knew that four years later we would still be together. The future is not something I think about since it is completely out of my control. I live day to day now.

acorsaut89

I read your first post, about your boyfriend originally reading your email. If you guys aren't ever going to live together and you don't even spend the night together, is this really something you can call a true relationship? Like I get it, different strokes for different folks but you're still spending time with your ex-husband.

It's ideal for the both of us.... we have both been married and in other relationships in the past and are completely content with what we have now. We do discuss the idea of buying a house together someday but for the time being, I will not move into his condo in the burbs and he will not move into my house in the city. After sleeping alone for so long and at our age, you become accustomed to your own space. Since my divorced in 1993, I have never lived with another man. I was proposed to twice after my divorce and turned them both down. This is my third long term relationship after my divorce and minus the trust issues, it's perfect in our eyes.

I didn't say one single thing about having a past - my point was that I'm questioning how the heck you can plan for a future with someone you don't even spend the night with? I'm not saying spend every breathing moment together because that doesn't work for most people - for some it does. I'm saying in order to build a life, you need to invest in that life together. If you continue to essentially lead separate lives, that's the way your relationship will be. Are you ok with being separate together, or together separately, for ever? If so, by all means. I just find it hard to believe a future is possible when you aren't in each other's faces all the time - that's how you get to know someone and know if they're right for you. Sleeping alone at your age - really? And in reality, that's by choice is it not? If you wanted to make the change, and this partner was significant enough to make this change for, it could be done. What I'm reading is you're pretty set in your ways, your routine and you want the side action without making the investment to build a life.

And also - he lives in a "condo in the burbs" and you live in a "house in the city" . . . does this sound like a TV show or a made for TV movie to anyone else? If all of you hang out together, he must come into the city fairly often . . . and then drive all the way back to the burbs. Like this is just insane. . . but potentially a really good screenplay.

Also, a lot of people know you attract friends who are a reflection of yourself - so if your ex is friends with your current bf then there's a good chance there's something about your bf that reminds you of your husband and to me that also says you just aren't over it. Even if there's nothing sexual going on, move on - make new friends, do something for you.

My ex husband and my bf are friends because of me. They met when I started dating him. I have no sexual feelings for my ex whatsoever :sick:

My relationship with my ex is the way it is because we are mature adults who thought of our children first when we decided to divorce. My kids were 3 and 5 at the time and we made their lives as normal as a divorced couple possibly can. He's a good dad and a good ex husband and friend. My ex husband lives around the corner, that's how I met him and I have lived in my current house since I was 5, so there is quite a bit of history there but I don't want to bore you.

Trust is our only problem and it's a big one which started from the beginning. The reason we let it go was because of our attraction toward one another. Who knew that four years later we would still be together. The future is not something I think about since it is completely out of my control. I live day to day now.

There's a difference in being civil with each other for the sake of children vs. doing "stuff" together, or him being your supplier of said "stuff" or you inviting him on your nights out. I know plenty of separated/divorced couples who co-parent without inviting each other to the bar; the only thing they invite each other to are events dealing with their children. Further, you have children who are young adults and they see their mother doing this with their father when the marriage ended 20+ years ago? For real? What kind of relationship standards do you think your children are going to have? If they've been seeing this their whole lives I can only hope they can sort this out for themselves and realize it's just not healthy.

It doesn't make a difference if you and your ex were born in the same hospital on the same day and your mom's were besties too - it simply does not matter. When you choose to end a marriage, boundaries go up and those boundaries need to stay in place; if not for you (because you need his stuff) then for the sake of your children - all they saw was my dad moved out, but my mom and him still spend time together so divorce isn't really doing that much damage. C'mon - this is crazy and hopefully your children can have normal, stable relationships.

Trust is your only problem but you're so hot for each other that you don't spend the night together, just a hook up here and there and maybe a concert, or dinner, or meeting up to enjoy some "stuff" with your ex on a Friday night? Is your age still a high school age because that's the only place I could see this happening. If you have a trust problem, attraction is out the freakin window. My ex was a very, VERY handsome guy - complete charmer, funny, cool to hang out with, made me laugh and made me feel really special. But after 5 1/2 years of a relationship - he still didn't want to control his anger (or even work on it), he would end our arguments by saying "Oh I'm such a crappy boyfriend, tell me what to do and I'll do it - I won't think for myself" and two days later he was yelling at me about how I'm changing him and he can't be fun anymore because I ruined him, he punched holes in the wall, broke very expensive belongings, had a substance addiction, had a serious mental illness and was kind of an all around jerk to me. Now because he's handsome and tall and drives a really cool car and I was super popular when I was with him, I should have stayed right? By your line of reasoning, yes. He's hot, and the s#x is great so let's stay together, forget all the other crap. Yeh - that's a good plan. Attraction - physical or mental or emotional - doesn't make a relationship and if you don't trust each other but you're super attracted to each other, it's a friendship with benefits.

If you choose to live day to day, that's your choice - but don't complain when those day to day choices come back to bite you in the butt months/years later just like this secret did. And I'm finding it hard to believe that if your current partner is friends with your ex and he knows you two talk, and do whatever, why would he really be so surprised to hear about this? If he didn't know it was happening, then he's pretty ignorant or you all aren't as close as you're letting on. Something just doesn't add up . . . but hey, not my drama to worry about - I'm not the one living in a soap opera.

2014Christina

Acorsaut89....

This isn't about how I choose to live my life and who I choose to have in my life. When I was your age I was married and had two children, never in a million years did I think I would like living alone. Things change, people change, life changes you. You're only 25 so I understand what you're thinking but maybe at age 49, you may think a little differently.

I'm happy with my arrangement. All I asked was about keeping secrets in a relationship.

I got some great comments and advice and I thank you all. :flowerforyou: