Keeping secrets in a relationship

yopeeps025

It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)

I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.

So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.

I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.

I wish I could explain it better.

You made it clear enough. I just never understand why people put themselves through this just to stay together. You invested a lot of time into this relationship. 4 years is a long time and your like for what now. I really do not think you are trolling because I see this happen all the time. BTW I knew you were having sex though. That was almost a given to me. Let the past be the past. That is something I myself am trying to work on too.

pepperpat64

If you're a person who has self-confidence, self-respect, and self-love (not in a narcissistic way, but more that you appreciate yourself as you are), being single isn't scary, a pain in the *kitten*, or anything like that. It's awesome. I loved being single, and I also love being in a healthy relationship. Sadly, our society seems to condition people, particularly women, to believe that they're worthless without a significant other. Even I used to believe that, and am so glad I finally figured out what a crock of *kitten* it is. There are few things more appealing than a strong, independent woman who believes in herself and has the mindset to be whatever she wants to be. OP, I suggest you do a serious self-evaluation (forget the boyfriend for now) and really think about what YOU want out of your life. Until you truly understand and learn to have faith in yourself irrespective of everything else, you'll never know real happiness.

skippygirlsmom

So does that mean I should tell her about the dead bodies in the back yard? Wouldn't that make her an accomplice? I love her. I don't want her to go to jail.

I made sure the SO knows of the bodies in the backyard, he's afraid of me now and does what I say. Worked out nicely in our case.

bugaboo_sue

It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)

I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.

So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.

I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.

I wish I could explain it better.

You don't need to explain it better. We got it. You're with him because it's comfortable and dating is "scary". You prefer to live in the past and let your past experiences dictate how you proceed in the future. Go ahead. Stay in your relationship that is filled with a lack of trust, commitment and communication instead of moving forward and finding something better. Just don't wonder, the next time he goes through your email, phone messages what have you and gets angry, why you're in such a crappy situation because you put yourself there and you refuse to take yourself out.

TavistockToad

It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)

I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.

So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.

I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.

I wish I could explain it better.

You made it clear enough. I just never understand why people put themselves through this just to stay together. You invested a lot of time into this relationship. 4 years is a long time and your like for what now. I really do not think you are trolling because I see this happen all the time. BTW I knew you were having sex though. That was almost a given to me. Let the past be the past. That is something I myself am trying to work on too.

some people would rather be in a relationship, however bad, than on their own. i find it quite sad.

free1220

Seems like people who are up to no good are the ones that scream "violation" when they are checked on.No secrets means no pressure in these situations....imo

yopeeps025

It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)

I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.

So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.

I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.

I wish I could explain it better.

You made it clear enough. I just never understand why people put themselves through this just to stay together. You invested a lot of time into this relationship. 4 years is a long time and your like for what now. I really do not think you are trolling because I see this happen all the time. BTW I knew you were having sex though. That was almost a given to me. Let the past be the past. That is something I myself am trying to work on too.

some people would rather be in a relationship, however bad, than on their own. i find it quite sad.

It is very common. People only usually hear about worst cases.

AglaeaC

Everyone is entitled to have things that they keep private. There are parts of my past I have chosen not to discuss with my husband. He has asked me point blank on some occassions, and I have said, "I am choosing not to discuss that with you. It bears no consequence on our relationship, and I prefer to let it go." He has respected my right to privacy on these issues.

From the start of our relationship, I have not kept secrets from my husband. I also do not do things that would be harmful, hurtful to our relationship that I would need to keep secret from him. We are very open and honest with each other. More often than not I say things like, "In the interest of full disclosure, I ate the last cookie. It wasn't ___ [our child]." Cuz, I feel guilty if he is mislead on something - even if I have not intentially mislead him.

A healthy and stable relationship can handle honesty. It needs it to thrive.

I'm surprised this is the first comment that mentions right to privacy. We all have the right to privacy. Thanks, JoelleAnn, for an eloquent contribution to this important topic.

Imagine this scenario: You're happily married/in a relationship. At work/hobby you all of a sudden develop feelings for someone else, who seems to view you in the same light. Regardless of that person's relationship status you decide not to act upon it, but simply accept it as part of life; we have hormones, feelings, etc. and can be interested in more than one person throughout our lives. What good would it do to your partner to share this situation? You haven't done anything wrong, you haven't acted in any way upon the feelings. You are honest to yourself about your personal life and you have the right to privacy. Just shut up about it and move on, I say.

Bonus twist to the story: If you were to vent in your diary and your insecure partner were to snoop around, find out about this non-affair, the only person, who has done anything wrong, is your insecure, snooping partner.

ninerbuff

My DW works for the government, so lots of "secrets" kept from me.:laugh:

As for me, I secretly do "sexy" dances in front of the mirror without her knowing. I'm betting that she doesn't care.

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UsedToBeHusky

As for me, I secretly do "sexy" dances in front of the mirror without her knowing. I'm betting that she doesn't care.

How certain are you that she doesn't know?

*searches Youtube for "silly Asian man dancing"*

yopeeps025

It's not that being single is scary, it's just a pain in the *kitten* and as iffy as my bf and I are, we do have a good time together (sex wise too)

I agree with the counseling 100%. I wonder if he will agree too.

So you're not going to leave him because "being single is PITA and iffy". Ok . . . good reason to stay together.

I also am trying to wrap my head around how you can have a good time with someone you don't trust. I would think the times together would be very strained.

I wish I could explain it better.

You made it clear enough. I just never understand why people put themselves through this just to stay together. You invested a lot of time into this relationship. 4 years is a long time and your like for what now. I really do not think you are trolling because I see this happen all the time. BTW I knew you were having sex though. That was almost a given to me. Let the past be the past. That is something I myself am trying to work on too.

some people would rather be in a relationship, however bad, than on their own. i find it quite sad.

Yep. I know so many people that will not get out of their relationship unless they have another one started and can jump over. It's ridiculous. But, I try not to judge too much. I'm an odd duck. I can be alone for long periods of time, maybe forever. I do not like being around people constantly. So, for me, that need is super odd.

I typically will break up if I'm not happy, and then be alone for a while, maybe years, and then someone else comes into my life. I don't even try or look. It just happens. That's the way I like it. I grow tremendously is those alone periods. So, I think it's vital.

They put in a two weeks notice to break up.

1Cor1510

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Bonus twist to the story: If you were to vent in your diary and your insecure partner were to snoop around, find out about this non-affair, the only person, who has done anything wrong, is your insecure, snooping partner.
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I've been in this situation, not about a non-affair, but I was very unhappy with a work situation for a while and kept a journal. Hubs read it. I was furious. Sometimes your private thoughts should remain private. Thoughts are not actions, and if everyone knew their SO's thoughts I doubt many of us would be in relationships. Being in a relationship doesn't entitle your SO to snoop into something that's obviously private.

sus49

If you want a REAL relationship with someone who loves you for who you are you have to: 1) Be who you are 2) never lie to them. Sorry, but if you are lying to your partner you are not building a great trusting relationship, you are building a lie.

pepperpat64

My DW works for the government, so lots of "secrets" kept from me.:laugh:

As for me, I secretly do "sexy" dances in front of the mirror without her knowing. I'm betting that she doesn't care.

Video or it didn't happen.

AglaeaC

I don't care much for the sanctimonious contributions here. Sometimes all life hands us are the alternatives "Bad" and "Even Worse". Nobody on the outside gets to judge us on what grounds we choose either of the two -or choose nothing at all or both - and sometimes even our partner is on the outside in relation to said decision. The only person to know my own "bigger picture" is myself, and I personally act with that in mind, doing my best to be a good person. If that means telling the occasional lie, then so be it. You never know all the details, so your judgment comes from the top of a high horse. As long as my god is happy, I'm happy.

pepperpat64

I don't care much for the sanctimonious contributions here. Sometimes all life hands us are the alternatives "Bad" and "Even Worse". Nobody on the outside gets to judge us on what grounds we choose either of the two -or choose nothing at all or both - and sometimes even our partner is on the outside in relation to said decision. The only person to know my own "bigger picture" is myself, and I personally act with that in mind, doing my best to be a good person. If that means telling the occasional lie, then so be it. You never know all the details, so your judgment comes from the top of a high horse. As long as my god is happy, I'm happy.

Duly noted.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I'm sure there's plenty of stuff I haven't told him, but I can't think of anything that I purposely keep from him.

Miss_1999

Sometimes I just keep the whole relationship a secret

I think we have a winner.