sabotagers... are real

_HeartsOnFire_

Wow ...... I am all for taking personal responsibility and all, but as someone who has worked with addiction a lot I know it's not as simple as that - environment and the people in it are a huge factor in kicking a habit. It's a perfectly plausible idea that OP may have a friend who subconsciously tried to "sabotage" her, there are a lot of people out there who feel inadequate when others improve themselves; it doesn't have to be anything to do with weight.

OP - my advice would be to not be upset with or confront your friend, she may well be trying to distract you from the self improvement you've embarked upon, completely without thinking; keep your goals and reasons in mind at all time and remember that everyone else has their own reasons for their behaviour. I am sure your friend meant no harm.

As for everyone else - I think it is very negative to make the individual entirely culpable for their weight gain/ loss.Of course it is only one person feeding themselves, however it is not just a case of "willpower" so much else goes into it and lacking support of friends and family IS sabotaging, whether that be the intent or not. It would be so easy for each of us to beat ourselves up over how unhealthy we have become, but I feel that just leads to a lot of unnecessary self hatred. What we all need to understand is why we got to a place we don't want to be, and sometimes the people and circumstances around us are a huuuuge contributing factor. Doesn't mean it's the fault of others, nor does it mean it isn't our own fault, it's just the way it is.

Be kind and understanding MFP, a lot of the time it is the lack of kindness and understanding in our lives that result in comforting behaviours such as over eating

Wat.
We are ALL completely culpable for our weight loss/choices.

I know right? But wait...does this mean I could blame everyone but myself for making me fat? Does that mean I can sue all of them too? I mean, if this isn't my fault someone should pay!



















Oh wait...

It is MY OWN fault. No one to blame but myself. I chose to eat food/drink to deal with situations. I could have said no. I could have chosen not to eat/drink whatever. It IS about free will, because you know what, I'm using my free will to eat better, lift heavy, kickbox and run to lose weight. Those are all things I am choosing to do.

Just like you can't lose weight for someone else, you can't make someone else lose weight, but you can decide for yourself to lose the weight and you can make the decisions that will directly affect your journey.

It really is THAT simple.

ETA: I want to address a couple other things you said...for me it wasn't until I accepted that it was all of my fault did I want to change it. I didn't need friends/family when I started to support me or motivate me. That all has to come from within. I logged on here every day and found the mean people that are awesome who will give you the straight up info that is very helpful. I don't expect them to motivate me now, or when I have my bouts of depression. I'm the one that can pull me out of those. It's not easy, but they could tell me all sorts of things to cheer me up, until I do that within me it won't help.

Serah87

Ok I was venting. She is a lovely friend. I have moved on, maybe everyone else can too.

Here's hoping she wanders by MFP and sees this thread.

Wtf... I am not scared of her and I never say anything I would be afraid to say to someone's face! Unlike you I don't hide behind cartoons... don't bother replying I have hit the ignore button on you.

Yet YOU came on here and talked about her in a bad way.....who is the good friend here??? JS

Serah87

Ok I was venting. She is a lovely friend. I have moved on, maybe everyone else can too.

Here's hoping she wanders by MFP and sees this thread.

Wtf... I am not scared of her and I never say anything I would be afraid to say to someone's face! Unlike you I don't hide behind cartoons... don't bother replying I have hit the ignore button on you.

Um...you're saying it here because you're afraid to say it to HER face. What am I missing here?

Yep!!! :drinker:

astroophys

Wow ...... I am all for taking personal responsibility and all, but as someone who has worked with addiction a lot I know it's not as simple as that - environment and the people in it are a huge factor in kicking a habit. It's a perfectly plausible idea that OP may have a friend who subconsciously tried to "sabotage" her, there are a lot of people out there who feel inadequate when others improve themselves; it doesn't have to be anything to do with weight.

OP - my advice would be to not be upset with or confront your friend, she may well be trying to distract you from the self improvement you've embarked upon, completely without thinking; keep your goals and reasons in mind at all time and remember that everyone else has their own reasons for their behaviour. I am sure your friend meant no harm.

As for everyone else - I think it is very negative to make the individual entirely culpable for their weight gain/ loss. Of course it is only one person feeding themselves, however it is not just a case of "willpower" so much else goes into it and lacking support of friends and family IS sabotaging, whether that be the intent or not. It would be so easy for each of us to beat ourselves up over how unhealthy we have become, but I feel that just leads to a lot of unnecessary self hatred. What we all need to understand is why we got to a place we don't want to be, and sometimes the people and circumstances around us are a huuuuge contributing factor. Doesn't mean it's the fault of others, nor does it mean it isn't our own fault, it's just the way it is.

Be kind and understanding MFP, a lot of the time it is the lack of kindness and understanding in our lives that result in comforting behaviours such as over eating

Personal responsibility and accountability don't have to result in self-hatred and neither require self-blame. I think blaming others is more of a sign of self-hatred, to be honest. Seeing others as saboteurs is a bit cruel. For instance, for a moment, I thought my mother was trying to damage my weight loss by bringing me a freshly baked cake. So, I thought about it, read about it, and decided that my perspective was WAY too negative, and I was choosing to make her responsible for my personal choices. She wasn't trying to hurt my weight loss. And even if she was, from a subconscious standpoint, that says more about her own pain and very little about my weight loss journey. I wrote her a letter (just easier) explaining how important weight loss and a healthier lifestyle are to me, that I know she cares, that I would really love her support, and that I also hope she will join me in living more healthily.

So, my point still is, treat it with compassion. No need to be accusatory or defensive.

neandermagnon

I am not a French professor, but I play one on TV, and if we can say "sabotage," we can learn the correct word for those who commit it, which is "saboteurs." Thank you! Have a great day.

Glad you said it.:flowerforyou:

the first time I came into this thread, it was to say this, but then I got dragged into the thread itself. Oh well.

lessismoreohio

Some people are scared to see you improving yourself. few are scared to lose you, many are just jealous. After i give some chances I take distance from people like this.

This . Very wise.

Amestris

Don't tell anyone you're watching what you eat or exercising, just do it.

What she said!

jaynerebecca1

I understand it is everyone's OWN responsibility of what we put in our mouths, but I totally understand this. If my friends all ate healthy all the time and we didn't go out to eat often, I'd be thinner than I am now. It is hard enough for me to have willpower in my own house, don't get me started if all my friends want to get ice cream! And then to add on that someone is making you feel guilty or silly for trying to eat healthy is very difficult, you definitely have a much better chance of giving in to temptation. Hang in there, if anyone is trying to push you to eat more, it is clearly them being jealous that you are ready to take this impressive jump into a healthier lifestyle!

ogmomma2012

I understand your struggle, OP. My husband JUST got over rolling his eyes when I talked about going for walks or choosing a smaller portion. I've lost 15lb in 3 months so he KNOWS I'm serious now! I even turn down BOOZE, which is not like the "old me" which really solidifies the seriousness I'm taking in my health.

HOWEVER, sometimes I get home, it's 11pm at night and I'm totally pooped from work. Even if I suggest something for dinner, I still usually get no say. And sometimes my brother in law buys beer and pizza... And I just.... it just happens.

As someone who used to do drugs, I totally get that sometimes you need a change in environment, even friends or family members that visit, in order to get used to a lifestyle of self-control.

softblondechick

This reminds me of the show, "My 600 pound life". This one gal, was in the hospital to lose weight prior to her surgery, the doctor put her on a medically supervised diet, and her family would bring her fried chicken, McDonald's, ice cream, candy...she could not get out of bed, her own family brought her unhealthy food! This woman was almost at a point of death, she could barely breathe because for the fat crushing her lungs and chest. She was on oxygen, and when her Mother was confronted by the doctor for bringing her daughter food, she said her daughter was starving, and begged for food. Really interesting.

My SO wants me to eat with him, and does not "get" that I am changing the way I eat....However, he is coming along. ..

PrizePopple

I understand it is everyone's OWN responsibility of what we put in our mouths, but I totally understand this. If my friends all ate healthy all the time and we didn't go out to eat often, I'd be thinner than I am now. It is hard enough for me to have willpower in my own house, don't get me started if all my friends want to get ice cream! And then to add on that someone is making you feel guilty or silly for trying to eat healthy is very difficult, you definitely have a much better chance of giving in to temptation. Hang in there, if anyone is trying to push you to eat more, it is clearly them being jealous that you are ready to take this impressive jump into a healthier lifestyle!

I'm sorry but your statement is just a bit ridiculous. So you'd be thinner if they didn't go out to eat as often or ate healthier? Do they shove food in your mouth? Do they tie you down? Do they threaten you? You choose to indulge. You are responsible. You can always tell them you don't want to go eat and let's do something else. You can choose not to go. You can choose to go and not eat just because everyone else is. But most importantly you can choose to act like an adult and make your own decisions and accept responsibility for them and not shift blame on to others. You are an adult not a 12 year old kid who is afraid her friends will be mad at her.

None of my friends tie me down. :grumble:

My DH didn't put the beer to my mouth that made me go over my caloric goal today. Yeah, he set it at the table... but I bought it, and I opened it, and I started drinking it. I could have just as easily put it back into the fridge for another day when it was worked into my day. I'm not going to blame him though. :drinker:

Also, my 9 year old has begun making choices that are healthy and not caring what others think of her lunch choices. She packs food she loves in moderation and is becoming aware that having a fruit and a veggie in her lunch is important.