Wife upset I am losing weight

audrast

I'd talk to her best friend about it.

MamaMollyT

Maybe see if there is something else outside the gym that you all can do together and that is active. Hiking and a picnic? I don't think 2 hours a day on fitness is too much as long as you all are getting time together doing something and she is getting some free time too. It's really hard for all of us to know the true problem without knowing your wife's motivation, but I'm sure if you go about it carefully you can get to the heart of it. You know her best. Maybe she is resentful or maybe frustrated or maybe she just doesn't really want to lose weight. It's also possible she just doesn't know where to start and doesn't feel comfortable in the gym. Maybe a trainer could help (advice is always taken better from a third party). My husband and I work out together a lot but I still find I have my own interests and he has his and sometimes when I need coaching its best to get it from someone else. It sometimes is hard to take advice from the person who is there to just love and accept you. (What do you mean I'm lazy at the bottom of my squat babe I think it's perfect!)

audrast

I go when she is at work or after she goes to bed.

And does she get that same amount of time per week to spend on her own? Or does she come home after work and busy herself with family and house stuff? You get, by your own post, 10-21 hours to work out every week. I'm guessing she doesn't get even close to that amount of time to just do her own thing.

chadya07

lol. i spend 5 days a week 1-2 hours at the gym or otherwise engaged in fitness.

i also spend countless hours on mfp goofing around.

yet my family gets plenty of my time.

i find it funny that people are saying that is too much.

it is perfectly possible to give your family plenty of time while still having your own interests.

people really are being a bit assumptive about how they live their lives based on one post. including "what is she doing, home cooking and cleaning?" cause you know. what else could it be? said woman must be every woman.

who knows. only they do. and who knows from what he posted if that is her problem at all. seems he said her problem is that she isnt ready to lose weight and is resentful that he is. anything else is pure speculation and possibly projection.

i am willing to bet a lot of those who posted implying neglect have hobbies and interests that take their time as well.

RodaRose

She might be exhausted from working, taking care of a child, and taking care of a second child for part of the week.

Who does the HOUSEWORK?
Men with happy wives arrange for a house cleaner once or twice a week. Seriously.
Also, your wife needs more attention from you and more time for her self without the kids. Your gym goals do not fit into your plans to be a husband and father right now. Reduce some gym time and be available to hang out. Most importantly, women are rarely looking for a man to change them. She wants to feel better about the two of you.
You can help her feel better and feel better yourself about the situation by hanging out with her.

gothchiq

Yeah... take the pressure off of her. Just nurture her for a while without attempting to insert communications about workouts at all. Just do some things that focus on making her feel loved. Later on you can invite her to do some moderate exercise with you such as go for a walk, something pleasant. One works up to harder workouts gradually and she may not even need to really blast herself in a gym, but just get moving. but that can come later. Right now she probably feels pressured, annoyed, one upped, and such. Be gentle.

gothchiq

I should also add that studies have shown, no lie, that men who do their share of the housework are better loved and get laid much more than men who leave all the housework and child care to the already overworked woman. I don't know where you stand with that, but do consider it.

audrast

people really are being a bit assumptive about how they live their lives based on one post. including "what is she doing, home cooking and cleaning?" cause you know. what else could it be? said woman must be every woman.

It would be unrealistic to assume that she doesn't handle at least part of that domestic burden.

From what he posted if that is her problem at all. seems he said her problem is that she isnt ready to lose weight and is resentful that he is. anything else is pure speculation and possibly projection.

It's speculation on his part as well. The rest of us are trying to share with the OP what else could be going on. I was in this woman's position a while ago. My husband (ETA: Now EX-husband) started spending a lot of time at the gym, getting fit. I didn't have the same time to myself that he was taking. I got very resentful and, as it turns out, he had met somebody and was getting into shape for her. So, while the OP may think he knows what his wife is thinking, he can't know because he isn't in her head. Some of us are trying to get at some other things that might be going on with her so he can narrow his focus.

pknjhh

I go when she is at work or after she goes to bed.

And does she get that same amount of time per week to spend on her own? Or does she come home after work and busy herself with family and house stuff? You get, by your own post, 10-21 hours to work out every week. I'm guessing she doesn't get even close to that amount of time to just do her own thing.

Lol she can have all the time she wants. Last week had both the kids by myself until after they went to bed Thursday and Friday. She went visiting family and had dinner with her friend. Both days she came back around 9pm. Off at 3:30 home at 9. You can pick it apart if you want but I never stop her from having time. I encourage it but she prefers family time over that. That's how she is and that's her choice. I have freedom because I don't have set hours. She has freedom whenever she wants but has a work schedule. That's the only difference and how she uses it.

audrast

Lol she can have all the time she wants.

You sound a lot like my ex. It isn't that simple sometimes.

Yeah, she went out to visit with family. That's not the same as going somewhere and devoting time to only her own needs. Duty and obligation tend to color a lot of working mother's thinking. A lot of parents don't take time for themselves because they feel guilty doing so.

I never stop her from having time. I encourage it but she prefers family time over that.

Again, that could be a sense of obligation or guilt.

pknjhh

I should also add that studies have shown, no lie, that men who do their share of the housework are better loved and get laid much more than men who leave all the housework and child care to the already overworked woman. I don't know where you stand with that, but do consider it.

I figured this out a long time ago. I take care of the kitchen, dining room, living room, laundry half the time but always mine (like my clothes done a certain way or I take them to dry cleaners myself), mow the yard every week and I'm sure I missed stuff. Helping clean does pay off big time.

PrizePopple

Okay so you come in and give one part of your story as the OP, and when some of us call you out on the fact that you seem pretty self absorbed you point out the ways in which you are not. You seem to have an excuse or answer for everything. So really if you have it figured out why are you asking? You seem to think everything is fine and dandy except for your wife being mad at you - which by all accounts shouldn't be happening because you're husband of the year.

You keep adding bits and pieces, and I'm going to further assume that you're leaving out some damning portion that would be the proverbial needle in the haystack. We are not your wife, so we don't know exactly what she's thinking or feeling. We do not know the intimate details of your life, nor do we need them. You could always pull on your big boy underoos and talk to your wife like an adult. Don't pressure her about her weight, her eating, or her exercise habits. And for the love of all that is right and holy don't even mention how much cardio you do, how much you incline bench, or the side abs you have "coming in". If you love her as much as you say you do, then it shouldn't be too hard to talk to her and work out how she's feeling without making it about your beefcake status.

2BeHappy2

So was this thread about your wife being upset, or how awesome you think you are??

Yeah...I kept waiting to hear about the "wife" since that's what perked my interest in clicking on this thread :huh:

audrast

^^^ PrizePopple

Kevalicious99

All I see is "me, me, me."

You are WAY too focused on fitness. She's so upset that you are losing weight most likely because you rub it in her face (unintentionally or not). Kind of like how you bragged about how much weight you can lift for the first half of this post. Your wife clearly feels like she is chopped liver. Perhaps you should cut down on gym time and make more wife time. You've been treating her like she's your second lover (the gym being your #1). So no, she isn't going to act like everything is okay or lovey-dovey toward you right away. If you truly love her, you'll tone down the egocentrism and the bodybuilding. Or I hate to say it, you'll lose your wife.

\

Even though I am a gym guy and spend lots of time doing fitness things .. I agree with this.

Unless she is willing to go there with you ... then this is not a good thing. Your ego is bigger than that number on the scale ..
and that is typical bodybuilding mentality.

Personally .. I stay far away from the body building thing .. as that is often a quick way to divorce if your partner is not 100% supportive.

scorpiophoenix

I definitely agree it's genetics. Women have to be much more on point with their diet. Estrogen makes weight loss more of a challenge. Been working out for 10+ years. She let me help her before and she dropped 35lbs. Where I screwed up was I assumed after a few months she wouldn't need me to push her through. I thought she would find the motivation after seeing the results. That wasn't the case. She gave up and got frustrated. I helped her for 2 months 4 days a week. Not sure how to get her motivated to do it on her own. If somehow she could get that drive she would easily get to where she wanted pretty quick no doubt. It's such a touchy subject I don't want to bring it up. I hate seeing her feel depressed and don't want her to feel that way.

Just my two cents: Are you SURE that it was "you helping her" and "lack of motivation"? It could be that her motivation was the two of you sharing something and doing it together and then when you wanted her to start doing it herself it hurt her. Maybe she'd rather share it with you than do it on her own.

nickysbt

Dude. Sit down and talk with your wife. Set aside a couple of hours to get to the root of the problem. Do not interrupt her. Do not offer advice if she is upset about something that has only to do with her (and if she doesn't specifically mention you don't assume you're included). Listen quietly, be sympathetic, and ask her what she needs. It may be reasonable or it may not, but you're never going to get an answer from random people on the internet. Your wife is the only one who can tell you what bothers her.

I'd also suggest sitting down and writing out what each of you do, how much free time you have, and how you spend it. It's really easy for guys to not see how much the women in our lives are doing. People in general tend to overestimate how much they contribute and underestimate how much others do, but when it comes to domestic life it becomes even more complicated. A lot of women self-sacrifice (often unintentionally) and find it hard to justify spending time on themselves when they could be doing something that contributes to the family. Make sure your wife has time for herself. Even if she likes spending time with family (and she probably does), it's still important that she have time to develop who she is as an individual. After all, at some point the children are going to be grown.

hearthwood

I have always been in to fitness. She knew that when we married. She knows I will be at the gym a few hours 5-7 days a week depending on goals I am going to reach. For years I stayed around 300lbs. I am in to bodybuilding so 300lbs I was not round. I still would hang 90lbs and do wide grip pullups. I could incline bench 425. 20-30 minutes cardio a day. Diet was always on point for my goals. I decided to lean out and get my abs in. Started at 313 and down to 266 in a month and half. Still can lift almost same weight in upper body. Squats suffered a lot though. Seated military dumbbell presses got 120s for 8 yesterday. So overall happy with strength with cutting down. I am going to 240ish. I will be very very lean there no doubt. 266 I got sides of abs coming in. Also can clearly see the v shape on the bottom. I do 7 days a week. Core everyday, cardio everyday, regular routine 2 days on one day off then 3 days on. I am using Keto to cut down along with a small dose of t3, clen and prescribed test to speed up results. Anyway, wife has been trying to lose weight forever. She doesn't exercise hardly at all, eats junk food in small potions and takes phentermine or relies on it I should say. She has been so upset I am cutting down. I love her the way she is so I am not trying to force her to change. I see how upset she gets about her weight so I try to say lets go workout together or how about you try this. She gets mad at me. Today I got on the scale after her and now she won't even talk to me. I don't feel it's my fault she can't stick to a proper diet. I can go 6 months with no cheat meals and not caring about them. I eat for performance not pleasure. She is the opposite. What can I do to help her feel better and stop her frustration with me?

There's nothing you can do for others to lose weight or become fit. It's the old saying you can lead a horse to water, but if they're not going to drink, there's nothing else you can do. She may be upset with you because you spend a lot of time at the gym. You might want to ask her about that.

If that's not the problem, and she's just jealous of your success, while she's still floundering around with weight loss and fitness, you then have to presume that she wants you as fat as she is, because she obviously feels insecure and threatened with a lighter/trimmer you. On that point, and for your own benefit of getting healthy, I would tell her to stop the comments, the negativity, and be happy that you are doing good. And or she's upset that you are able to lose weight, and she's taking this new weight loss pill, and believed that the pill alone was going to do all the magic, and she could continue with her bad eating habits?

At any rate, I hope she knows that men typically lose weight faster than women, because they have a lot more muscle mass to burn calories, and I hope that she is not in some kind of weight loss competition with you, that she is certain to lose, no matter how hard she works out.

PrizePopple

^^^ PrizePopple

Requesting permission for flyby.

steff274

Last year my otherhalf was doing alot of hill walking and climbing and I got abit upset because he was shrinking and I was fat I didn't want to end up the fat 1!! When your otherhalf tells you they love you just the way that you are.. It's like saying I don't mind that your over weight!! Anyway I started hill walking with him and looked at my crappy diet and started dropping 2 or 3 pounds a week.. Just over a year later.. I started in August last year I am gym addicted and abit on the light side I actually struggle not to drop weight sometimes because of the amount I do.. Talk to your wife she probably doesn't want to go to the gym but surely there is something you can do together quality together time.. Sounds like you spend alot of time in the gym which is fine but she is probably feeling abit neglected!!