This is a bit of an adult topic

beautifulnow

Thank you both very much not tmi at all....thanks again!

phinners

I can't be the only one here surely but I am a fatty and I had a baby 3 months ago too and am still happy to be stark naked in front of my husband, and with the light on and I dont need to get drunk to have sex nor do we have to fake it. Surely when you fancy and are in love with your partner you just naturally want to have sex with them?

curleesam

totally natural!! Your confidence is down. I was in the same place and now I am back to normal

Stick with your diet, you will feel your confidence creeping back as the pounds drop.

Good luck!

curleesam

Most women suffering from this problem simply call me.

Problem solved.

HAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

KristenAnn711

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Most women suffering from this problem simply call me.

Problem solved.

Is that drawing you or russel crowe?

wriglucy

Try doing some squats...it gets the blood flowing there, and maybe will help get it started Also...you could talk to your dr. My drive decreased because of antidepressants, and I'm talking to my dr today!

Barelmy

It sounds like a confidence issue on your part to me. But, have you changed your method of contraception recently? The hormones can effect it. Or, your current weight can effect how the hormones are absorbed.

Barelmy

OK now I feel like a dumbass.

Don't. You are not alone. I had these 'issues' when I first got married. As a Christian it was important to me to save myself for my husband... and I did. I was his first and only as well. We both came in without baggage but also without experience. I didn't have my first 'real' (as in during intercourse) big O until after we had been married several years. I got fed up with not getting out of it what he was getting. It felt like a chore to start and a disappointment at the end. I couldn't figure it out. I thought I was broken. I started buying books about the subject trying to find the answer to this problem. What I learned from all of my research was that I was sitting back waiting for something to happen rather than pursuing it. I felt like I was being selfish by trying to tell him what to do and making sex all about me and finding out what I liked and what worked for me... but really it wasn't selfish at all. HE got more out of it when he knew that I did too so it benefited us both. Well that research paid off and I learned through trial and error exactly what I needed to do to 'get there.' For me, I guess due to my anatomy, what worked and always works 100% of the time is a certain position. Now... this means we always have to at least end this way but who cares... he certainly doesn't. He is just glad to be getting some! LOL

My experience was kind of similar. With my first boyfriend, neither of us had any clue what we were doing (and he'd watched a lot of bad porn films, which told him that all he needed to do was go with hours of hard pounding - ouch!). After about a year, I bought a vibrator, and it was like, O-M-G, *this* is what it's supposed to be like!

Barelmy

I must be a nymph.....There is NO WAY I would fake it...Actually I am kind of shocked to see how many women on here are suggesting faking it....I would never in a million years get intimate with a man if I wasnt in the mood...Fact is if he wants it bad enough he will get me there :P

I agree on the faking it. It's just cheating both of you if you do.

Sometimes, it doesn't happen, but it never will if you don't learn together. And you can't do that if he thinks you're already there!

Mrs_McFadden

I just want to address the whole 'faking it' issue..
Personally I must be a nympth because I could outmatch a man any given day in the libido department- also to the above poster that thinks having sex multiple times a day with a woman is a lie..that does actually happen. I regularly had sex multiple times a day with my husband ..until..I had a baby ROFL.
When I say 'faking' it..I've never ever needed to wanted to or had to fake an orgasm. That isn't what I'm talking about. I'm just saying if your man/husband/bf approaches you for sex and tries to convince you, there is *no* harm in trying to let him convince you is there? Don't set yourself up for failure and just block him off before he even gets a chance to start!!!!!
There were a few years where my libido completely mismatched my husbands because I took medication that killed and cremated any sexuality I had (that is just awful!!) I did in fact fake it during those times. I wanted to be close to my husband.

melrae675

They say that swimming two to three times a week increases your libido...so maybe skip the gym for the pool(if you have one available) a couple times next week. We started swimming a week ago. and I LOVE IT Melanie

Kityngirl

I know that a lot of the women said having sex when you don't really want to is 'gross' or are upset about the emotional issues surround this approach but hear me out.
It's like excercise..it really is and I'm not talking about burning damned calories when I say this. But when you haven't been excercising for awhile the idea, often, seems repellent to do so. A chore etc. But the reality is that even though excercise gets bad PR a lot- that if you find some way to do it that you enjoy it and get to the point where you feel that enjoyment it's quite addicting. It can really give you a closer connection with your physical being and make you feel more alive. Same with sex- if you sit around not wanting it and unwilling to try it (no accusation there) because things are not 'perfect'. Well when will it be? Only when you're the right weight, have the proper foods, etc.
Of course being in a fitter state of body and having a very cooperative happy relationship ..and all of the other variables will give you OPTIMUM situations to build upon and foster more pleasurable sex. But the whole point is you have to get back on that horse and learn it again. Just like with excercise..one step at a time until you're used to it.
I guess it's all about how you look at it- if you really want to freak yourself out and think to yourself "wow I really don't want to do this I feel ugly and just ugh I'm tired and this sucks and how ..." and keep on talking to yourself, well, I wouldn't want to have sex with you either.
Having a better attitude or refreshing it even can have an amazing impact on your life overall IMO. It's easier said than done it's just something worth thinking about.
Sometimes overcomplicating things just doesn't help the issue...or waiting for perfection.

Well said. It's definitely all about attitude.

plumtree88

Yeah, try the wine. Yeah, slip on something sexy. But for any of you who are not enjoying sex because you're afraid of what your partner will think of you- STOP. 1) if they are with you it's because they want to be with you and 2) when you're having great sex you don't really have time to sit there and think about 'wobbly bits'. Just relax, let go and have fun. Everyone's a winner!

ka_42

Addressing the "not wanting to" issue...

I've never had a huge libido but I've always been with men who do. (When someone always wants to do me- it makes me feel pretty sexy!) So when dating my current love- who is more timid- sex became pretty infrequent. Neither of us initiated. Then he addressed my weight issue and I thought that was the problem. He suggested I lose a few pounds (The jerk! Just kidding - It hurt at first but now I'm so glad he did. I didn't realize what I was capable of until I had a little push to try and lose) Losing weight made me look at my body in more detail and think about what it could/ should look like. It makes me obsessed. I despise my stomach area and how chubby it is. Even though it's 10 inches smaller then overweight me I feel like I notice it more and have become so insecure. Also insecure because my boyfriend addressed the weight issue in the first place and I want to be skinny for him. It's taken some time but I think it's starting to get better. Communication is where it's at! Don't be afraid to talk about sex and what you want/ how you feel. My boyfriend knows I need A LOT of compliments and encouragement to feel good about myself and it helps. I'm working on trying to be comfortable in my skin. He tells me every day I'm skinny and says things like ' i thought you were cute before that's why I wanted to date you... now you're just- wow!" Now that's a turn on :smooched: So I guess I'm saying.. the working out and losing weight doesn't fix the problem for everyone! I've had quite the struggle in this department because of it.

It's nice to share... Great topic!!!!

Iampierre

So.. I'm reading this book called "The Hormone Diet" by Natasha Turner, ND (Naturopathic Doctor from Canada). And I've only just begun to read this book, but I have of course read so many others and they all end up saying similarly the same thing. Get plenty of sleep and reduce stress:explode: and it will help your body balance itself out then you will enjoy sex again and yes sex is part of the equation to be balanced out.:drinker:

hroush

For women that are not getting their part out of the deal, if you don't know what will make you happy, the guy most definitely won't figure it out. If you do know, you must tell him because as a previous poster said, we are not mind readers.

I have been with my wife for 3 years now, but you could say the problem is reversed. I have asked multiple times what she wants me to do, but she either says I don't know or will shut down and turn away. She comes from the old school of thought that it is "dirty" or "bad", so she shouldn't or won't talk about it.

Hasn't been discussed, but I thought I would throw it out there; a couple suggestions if your man finishes too early:
1. Get him to get you going first. He is to receive no or minimal input during this time.
2a. Do it more often. This will help him last longer as it will take him longer to finish.
2b. If you don't want it more often, have him take the solution into his own hand(s). Again, will help him take longer to finish.

If he loves you, wants to make you happy, and wants to come knockin' on your door more in general, he should have no problems performing these listed tasks. If he doesn't want to do these (don't see why, but just saying), just remember you hold the key and the castle.

amohon

After my last daughter I have felt like that becasue of how much weight I have gained. It wasn't until I started wotking out and feeling better about myself till got back to "normal". The only thing is my youngest is almost 10. The thing is for us is that we talked about it and found other things to make us happy or as they say "turn us on". This is a serisous subject for a lot of women of our size. We need to feel loved and sexy about ourselves.

Like they said go buy u something that makes u feel good about you. I have even found some cute things at walmart and k-mart. They are cute and they have the bigger sizes (they are loose enough to hide certain things). Let us know how things are going and if you guys have made some positive changes.:flowerforyou:

kathyc727

It's probably self consciousness. Pretty soon you will be bringing sexy back.

spaboleo

@ Topic-Starter:

A decreased appetite for sex or physical contact in general is a totally normal reaction to weight-gain, unlike you are entirely comfortable with your extra pounds (Who in this forum really is? )

Our achievement-oriented society and it's norms (mostly propagandised through massmedia, like advertisements etc.) make us feel guilty about putting on some weight. It has the reputation of a personal weakness and for most of us indicates a weak will.
Even though this is a too generalized misconception–because your overweight can have external reasons, like a serious illness–it is anchord very deeply in all of our minds.

Additionally there a personal experiences, like for example feeling fitter with 20lbs less on your hips, that make us avoid intimate situations.
Maybe it is because you are scared that your hubby won't be that satisfied than he used to be...I don't know.
But what I know is that it is a typicall human behaviour.

Feeling insecure because of the overweight puts all of us under a lot of pressure.
And what's worst...even subconsciously!
I regularly cop myself hesitating in situations that require physical activity infront of a group. Mostly because I'm scared that e.g. my shirt could lift up and expose my (personally) unloved fat stores around my belly
I know that it is stupid and wrong, but I hesitate anyways.


Nevertheless you need a clear mindset to feel well even with the overweight.
What could help is an open talk with your partner. Commit that you are now getting active (loosing weight, doing sports and so on) and that the overweight is causing your decreased appetite
I think that he will show understanding