Confession - Moralistic people please drop it...

Sunny_Lexie

Okay.

So this is going to be really hard to confess, and a lot of people will probably hate me after this. If some of my MFP friends want to delete me I totally understand. Than, why am I writing? Because I need help and advice. Moralistic people are asked to stay quiet - not that I don't respect your opinion, but because I already know that what I am doing is horrible. :embarassed:

I am dating a married man. BAM. :noway:

Awful, right?

I'm not gonna describe the whole thing, just that his marriage is not really idealistic and apparently not what he expected.

So me doing that is already hard for me, why the heck don't I stop? I fell in love with the guy. He has truly so many qualities that I am looking for (no wonder why he's married, I guess). And he makes me feel soooo good. Everything looks so simple with him even if the situation is so complicated. But I leave the country in one month so everything will be over anyway. Still, I kind of feel that he starts to have feelings too... This KILLS me. :brokenheart:

I am lost I don't know what to think anymore. And as I am an emotional eater, and NON-eater, I alternate days when I eat like crazy and days when I just can't. Dieting has become the least option, I just try not to be in pain when he's not around.

I will probably regret this post, but I give it a try... Please help.

---

EDIT

---

I need to add some details obviously.

- they have no kids

- I DO put myself in her shoes and believe me I DO since I have been the cheated one in a previous, serious relationship!!! That makes things even more difficult, the GUILT of now and the MEMORIES of the past!

**So for people who think that I don't feel like a monster, believe me, I DO.

****** Oh and also, this post was about dealing with my emotional eating. Opening my eyes, yes, judging me, no. Believe me, I am the TOUGHEST judge on myself.

bflicker11

I'm glad you're leaving the country. You need space between you and him. If he was meant to be with you, he'll realize it when you are gone and do what he needs to do. I certainly don't judge you at all. NO ONE knows what a person goes through unless they live in the other' shoes. I'd hate for you to waste time in your life on someone that isn't able to commit to you in the way that you may want/need.

Please don't beat your body up by not treating it well. YOU deserve happiness, peace and self love!!!!

Good luck to you!

wheelieblade

what exactly are you asking? I know what I should say but if you're not messing with my relationship or any of my mates relationships, none of my business and not my call

MissAnjy

Not really sure what we're being asked to help with?

BeautifulScarsWECHANGED

Well, of course you fell in love with him because you get the good guy. You don't have to deal with the stuff a wife has to....finances, kids (if any), he won't reject you with sex, and you don't get his bad moods. It's not realistic, and honestly he'll cheat on you.

crazymama2two

do you feel better confessing?

because there's really nothing to say to you that you dont already know AND youre leaving in a month.

what's going to happen when you leave? do you see yourself continuing to torture yourself and contact him? the ONLY thing that can be said is - make this move awesome and start fresh. you owe YOURSELF that.

if that makes any sense.

EllieHall

All I can say as a wife is you need to end this relationship. I am not judging or Bible pushing but if his relationship is not what he wants he needs to end it then start new with you if that is what he wants. He is setting both you and his wife up for nothing but pain and enjoying every minute of it.

Secondly if he ever does end it and start new with you, who is to say then that you won't be on the other end of this situation. Men that cheat usually cheat again. Move away and move on with your life. You need to take some control of that and your eating. It is hurting you physically and emotionally.

HappyathomeMN

He has truly so many qualities that I am looking for (no wonder why he's married, I guess).
Everything looks so simple with him even if the situation is so complicated.
But I leave the country in one month so everything will be over anyway.
I am lost I don't know what to think anymore.

I think you have, internally, already answered your questions. You don't feel good about it, but you aren't going to stop it until something else (leaving) makes your decision for you.

It's NOT an easy thing to deal with, from either side. Until you make the choice you need to make, own your control over things you CAN control, like your diet. CHOOSE to eat in a healthy way, CHOOSE to exercise.

Not a lot of advice, but I hope it helps a little.

ppiinnkkmmoonn

well you choose it so now you have to deal...........................there.................... i always say we put our selves in the situations and then we drown and want advice but we don't want the right advice so i say good luck with dealing with it.........................am im coming off mean no just blunt and apathetic full blown.

sweetiepie31612

What is it you're looking for help with? If its combatting the emotional eating, I'd suggest exercise. I always think best when I'm out for a long run/walk w/o my music. I think about what I want to say, what I want to do, the consequences of what I say or do. I've replaced food with exercise and I actually feel more emotionally satisfied. If you're looking for guidance w/your situation, I'm afraid I can't help b/c I don't know either of you or what you are both truly feeling. I'm sorry, but I wish you the best.

SarahofTwins

I can't say that I "hate" you but I disagree 100% on what you are doing...its your decision alone and karma can really bite you in the buttocks. Whether hes happy or not in his marriage doesn't mean he wouldn't do the same to you. People's actions show a lot more than what they say.

Goal_Seeker_1988

If he hasn't left his wife for you by now then he probably wont. Maybe he's been lieing to you just to get a piece on the side. Do you truly know him? Like I say, if he hasn't left his wife by now then he probably wont.

emccand

Thats a tough one. The best advice I can give you is something I learned from experience myself, if he is cheating WITH you, chances are he will cheat ON you too! You deserve someone that can be with you completely, physically, emotionally, and mentally with no strings attached. Things may see awesome and be so easy now but I think you will always have that hidden worry in the back of your head, you need to put you first and make sure you are safe and happy in a stable relationship

sunshine__angel

I think if you are leaving in a month, you should end it there and not look back. If he is dating you on the side, how do you know there aren't any other women as well? If he is cheating on his wife, he could cheat on you too. I think you should try and move on because you are not going to benefit from this relationship. You are starting to/have already fell in love with him but if he actually cared for you, he wouldn't still be with his wife. The relationship you have with him and the happiness you feel now would not be the same if he left his wife for you. If he were single and you were dating him I think you would see a side of him you don't like. He obviously isn't the most honest or trustworthy guy in the world...

Since you are an emotional-eater and this is a very emotionally charged situation, you need to get yourself out of it as soon as you can. I can't see any other outcome other than you getting hurt.

amymt10

In my first marriage I was the wife at home while he was out dating behind my back. I cant even begin to describe how I felt being the one at home wondering what he's doing and with whom, I also cant even begin to describe how I felt when he came home w/a hickey on his neck from some other woman. Just thought I would share what the wife at home could be feeling. Its complete devistation to realize your husband has a girlfriend. And like another post said, you get all the good parts of him, the wife gets everything else.

MissGibbs

I can only second what has been said before...

In addition, I'd mistrust any situation in which somebody made things look "real simple" (as he seems to make you feel). Life ain't that simple (as he should know!) and he probably enjoys playing some kind of role for you.

Thus said- time will tell...

In the mean time, take care of yourself, don't beat yourself up and- most important of all: stay focused on your goals. It's not about him- it's about you!

Take care- and good luck!

kshepherds

Well, of course you fell in love with him because you get the good guy. You don't have to deal with the stuff a wife has to....finances, kids (if any), he won't reject you with sex, and you don't get his bad moods. It's not realistic, and honestly he'll cheat on you.

Took the thoughts right out of my head

miriamtorason

No judgement from me, just *hugs* I don't put my personal stuff out here, for exactly the reasons you're trying to avoid. If someone hasn't walked a mile in your (or even his!) shoes, they have no place to judge. At all. I hope you're able to find the resolution you're looking for, and that this comes to an end that you can make peace with (meaning, the end result is something you can cope with). In the meantime, try to take care of you, and if you have the option, set a timer for about every two or three hours to remind you to get something to eat - whether you're hungry or not. *hug* again.

monkeybuttsmommy

When you ask moral people not to answer that tells me you know its morally wrong and don't want to deal with it. If thats the case you really don't have a problem do you? You want what you want and you don't want to be reminded of its moralistic issues. So why even post it? I am not judging because I was where you are. I WASTED 5 years on a man that I had originally described exactly the way you did. He NEVER left her and I was a fool. Its good your leaving. Gives you time to really think about why you want an unavailable man. What are you afraid of with a single man? Commitment fears? Fear of being hurt because you give all of yourself and he gives you all of himself? There is something you get or something your avoiding when you date a married man. What is it? Just think about it.

BrokenSpirit

well said!!! and sadly true!!!! dont put your self in that position again! no matther where you are on the planet,,, you diserve a MAN, not just someone's man,,, give your self credit, and mostly, self-esteem!!

sbilyeu75

Well, I hope you feel better. But anyway, he's the one that's married. You're not. And it's as simple as that. Believe it or not, if it wasn't with you, he would be cheating with someone else. Hell, he may have a third on the side for all you know.

BTW, no marriage is ideal. You are getting all the good stuff. You don't have to take care of him when he's ****ting and puking. You don't have to do his laundry, cook for him or clean up after him. I'm willing to bet, that he makes it sound like he's a great husband that his wife just doesn't appreciate him.

You're leaving in a month then just live with your guilty conscience. If you don't want to do emotional eating, when quit putting yourself in situations that would make you emotional.

kdao

I'm not gonna describe the whole thing, just that his marriage is not really idealistic and apparently not what he expected.

This made me laugh.....if it is not idealistic, then why is he staying with her. Sounds like you are getting played too, but that's your karma.

My3Rayz

If things are so horrible in his marriage, why is he still there? I love the whole "it's complicated" thing. There's no excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage and screw someone else. He's being selfish and everyone around him is paying the price. Cut your losses while you can!!!

SweetTooth68

I am going to send you a PM.

6Janelle13

I am trying to ignore the affair part of your post. It is hurting you, and his family. That is not ok. You need to find the strength to free yourself so you aren't wondering what might have been. You need to take control of your eating and working out because you are hurting yourself more than anyone.
You can not control the world around you but you can control how you react to it. Dust off your boots, make some decisions and end things decisively. Start fresh in a new area and figure out what is missing in your life that you need to get control. This is about you getting back to you and hopefully being happier and guilt free.

Newmammaluv

Well I am the wife of a man who has cheated on me because our relationship isn't ideal. Never will be. I am also the wife that has cheated on her husband because our relationship isn't ideal. Again, never will be. I am taking the time to write to you because there are some very important things you need to know. No matter what your boyfriend acts like around you, when you are not around I am sure he is another person entirely. There is a reason why their marriage is unhappy and it is NOT exclusively the wife's fault. Relationships are never what you expect them to be so that isn't a good excuse to bail out of it and go wandering.

There are many different reasons why affairs start but the ONLY certain thing is that they need to end. That doesn't mean that they need to get back together because if that were the only solution everyone would be absolutely miserable. Right now your boyfriend has his cake and is eating it too. He has a girlfriend who adores him and a wife to fall back on if you find someone else to be with -- or leave the country. It's awful and sad but he really does owe it to you to make a decision. Because in all honesty he is cheating on YOU too. Not many "other women" see things this way but it is absolutely true. While my husband was cheating on me and telling this other woman how horrible I was and how he needed to get out of the relationship he was trying everything in his power to sleep with me and hold me tight each and every night. He was in effect cheating on both of us. I don't blame the "other woman" at all because my husband is a liar.

Sometimes all someone needs is some space to work through their emotional cobwebs. I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation but it will get better and it will change. Just take it slowly and eventually it will be taken out of your hands and you will be going out of the country. At that time take a moment to really take a deep breath and examine ALL of the angles of the situation.

drasr

It's already very hard to know the true nature of someone and it becomes doubly difficult when they are trying to impress you. You see what you want to see and what they want to show.
Plus about the marriage not being perfect, i assume since you are close to him, you have heard only one side of the story.
One way to find out if the guy really liked you is to see how he behaves when you leave town. If he still tries to reach you etc then he does but if he starts ignoring you, then you know what haapened.

Solat37_Neil

**** happens (in my experience) and I certainly don't think any less of you for this post, I've been there (both sets of shoes) and I know how much it f**kin hurts, BUT people are people, and sometimes we let **** happen that we probably shouldn't.
Move on, get over him and you'll meet a single guy that ticks all the boxes (maybe better) one day..

It's pointless beating yourself up, Just be strong and hold your head up. (You have proved you have good moral fibre because you feel like crap about this whole situation)

Good luck )

Sunny_Lexie

Thanks for all the posts so far, even the ones that hurt.

To answer different questions,

- I need help concerning the way my emotions are controlling the way I treat my body, I can feel it is suffering whether I over-eat crappy food or not eat at all. I can't exercise because I need to finish all of my job and don't have time and it's far and all of that. I am just ruining my efforts and I am afraid that I fall off the train for good!

- I am leaving but I may come back soon in the same place.

- They have no kids

Sunny_Lexie

If he hasn't left his wife for you by now then he probably wont. Maybe he's been lieing to you just to get a piece on the side. Do you truly know him? Like I say, if he hasn't left his wife by now then he probably wont.

We crossed the line about a month ago so maybe it is early to discuss this topic...

Sunny_Lexie

If he hasn't left his wife for you by now then he probably wont. Maybe he's been lieing to you just to get a piece on the side. Do you truly know him? Like I say, if he hasn't left his wife by now then he probably wont.

We crossed the line about a month ago so maybe it is early to discuss this topic...