Confession - Moralistic people please drop it...

DizzieLittleLifter

There is only seating for two in a marriage! You need to stop the affair. Based on your admitted guilt and need for approval you know it's wrong. Sometimes we have to be an adult, and stop acting like an unreasonable teen. Your and his actions have consequences. His are more severe. A marriage is supposed to be safe. If it's not "ideal or what he expected" he has had every opportunity to end the marriage. Think about how betrayed his wife must/will feel. Think about how you would feel if someone that you agreed to devote your life to betrayed your trust. You may not be directly hurting her,but your enabling HIM to hurt her. And don't kid yourself she will find out. Honestly most men don't leave their wives for the GF.

Ms_Natalie

Hi everyone,
I understand that this is a very emotive topic but insulting other members is strictly prohibited. Anyone found to insult others will be issued a warning. Whether the OP was posting for advice or whether she was trying to get it all down in one place; derogatory comments will not ease the situation. If this continues this thread will be locked.

Ms_Natalie
MyFitnessPal Forum Moderator :flowerforyou:

BethTucker

Okay.

I'm not gonna describe the whole thing, just that his marriage is not really idealistic and apparently not what he expected.

So me doing that is already hard for me, why the heck don't I stop? I fell in love with the guy. He has truly so many qualities that I am looking for (no wonder why he's married, I guess). And he makes me feel soooo good. Everything looks so simple with him even if the situation is so complicated. But I leave the country in one month so everything will be over anyway. Still, I kind of feel that he starts to have feelings too... This KILLS me. :brokenheart:

ppiinnkkmmoonn

hum ill think ill pass on marriage...........................truth my father did that to my mother and it was a just a sad thing for me and my sisters three of us an we all have male issues and non of us are or want it. three girls non married ???? mad issues makes me stay far away from the ideal and most men and i never cheated or mess with a married man but the marriage seems messy i was suppose to marry sept 24 this year but decide i was not ready about two months ago.

suzycreamcheese

youre probably right, his marriage is probably just as you say, not what he expected. I bet his wife just doesnt understand him like you do, and if you properly got it on together it would NEVER be like that because youre just a downright more exciting attractive woman than his wife and she just probably doesnt deserve him. Its probably ALL her own fault.

You carry on doing what youre doing my love. Im sure it will never happen to you. x

pyro13g

The only thing wrong is him stringing his wife along. And just remember, if you do end up with him, he may also cheat on you. You sort of already gave him approval of cheating.

mielikkibz

Well, of course you fell in love with him because you get the good guy. You don't have to deal with the stuff a wife has to....finances, kids (if any), he won't reject you with sex, and you don't get his bad moods. It's not realistic, and honestly he'll cheat on you.

bingo, if he's cheated on someone he made vows to, he won't be honest with you.

I unfortunately can't feel sorry for you. . having BTDT in the wife's shoes, I never, ever will understand why someone would a) date a married person, b) not ask for divorce before doing something stupid like screw around on the side

BethTucker

I would just like to point out that there is no marriage that is ideal or what we all expect. Marriage is work, despite how much you loved your partner before marriage. And with maturity comes the realization that you don't up and disrespect your partner just because you are attracted to another human. Also, you say he has qualities that you are looking for. Is a cheater one of them? I am not saying that we are all not without our faults but there is an old saying, "Do it with you, do it TO you." I am older than you and I can tell you that a leopard does not change his spots, despite what they say or even believe at the time. Leaving him for a while will be a positive step for both of you.


Sorry my stuff is so far apart, I can't figure this thing out.

bluebeatle49

As a married woman I find what you are doing despicable, but not just because of you, If my husband were unhappy with our relationship I would want him to talk to me and try to work it out before jumping into bed with another woman.

As a woman in love, its hard when some form of that feeling is reciprocated because you think there is a chance of "forever" or "ever lasting love" but you should ask yourself whether or not you think he will ever leave his wife for you. Or, ask him what he plans to do with you, because if the only thing that is happening for him is sex you need to get out and dust yourself off and find someone else and he needs to work out the issue with his wife and get the sex from were he is supposed to.

I don't think you are a horrible person, but nobody ends up with the married guy. What if you end up hurting the wife in the process, will you be okay being a part of something that may ruin the life of someone else? We all make mistakes, but this one should be avoided, The ring on his finger should be the only barrier you need to be able to stay away from him.

It would be perfect if the man we want would always be available but he's not. In high school he was with a prettier or more popular girl, In college you lusted after him from a distance 'cause you never got the courage up to talk to him, now he has a wife, it time to forget whatever feeling you have for him and move on. In the long run, you wont wanna be with a guy who would cheat on his wife anyway. Every time your relationship with him needed a little more work than usual ('cause relationships are hard work) you would be afraid that instead of going to a business meeting he was meeting up with the latest mistress. It would eat you alive, and it's not fun to live like that.

I hope you make the choice that will make you happier, but don't get your hopes up and think about the other woman, she is just like you, she love him too, otherwise, she wouldn't be married to him.

KickassYas

trust me i'm not a bag of morals but i will say this... put yourself in her shoes regardless to you being in love with him, he made a promise to another woman.

why hasn't he filed for divorce? if he's not happy that is....

and at this point you need to find another way to express your sadness over this because when all is said and done, eating/not eating isn't going to fix it. I usually write out my pain. try it. you might feel a lil better.

i'm so sorry you're goin through this. really. its so hard and complicated to fall for someone who is not wholly available.

Sunny_Lexie

No judgement from me, just *hugs* I don't put my personal stuff out here, for exactly the reasons you're trying to avoid. If someone hasn't walked a mile in your (or even his!) shoes, they have no place to judge. At all. I hope you're able to find the resolution you're looking for, and that this comes to an end that you can make peace with (meaning, the end result is something you can cope with). In the meantime, try to take care of you, and if you have the option, set a timer for about every two or three hours to remind you to get something to eat - whether you're hungry or not. *hug* again.

Thank you :embarassed:

It is true that people don't know me, I always HATED these kind of people, doing what I was doing, because I have MYSELF suffered from that and I never thought that I would be on the other side!!

And I realize that I was not clear in my post -- main reason why I am posting is because my emotions control my eating, and the guilt is unbearable here. It's not only about dieting any more, it is my overall health.

SweetPandora

I have only one question.

Why do you think so little of yourself as to settle for a married man.

You deserve someone all to yourself with no drama.

You only get one life to live, live it with no regrets.

Karen

lejess

"Moralistic people please drop it" Really? So clearly you know right from wrong and only want the opinions of those who will support you. Sorry cupcake, but it doesnt work that way. Put your business out there, expect to get any and all opinions.

I have so many things I want to say to you, but all I can do is shake my head in in disgust.

You need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out why on earth you dont think you are worthy of a man who is available, and will treat you right. Not only are you hurting a woman you dont even know, but clearly you are hurting yourself.
Go back home. For the sake of all the other married women in your vicinity, please figure out why you dont have any self respect, and then get some. Its not right that another woman should suffer because you have self respect issues.
(oh and dont get me wrong, the man is at fault too, but he's not the one posting)

Unlike some of the nicer folks on here, I will say this: You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself.

CapnWain

If he hasn't left his wife for you by now then he probably wont. Maybe he's been lieing to you just to get a piece on the side. Do you truly know him? Like I say, if he hasn't left his wife by now then he probably wont.

We crossed the line about a month ago so maybe it is early to discuss this topic...

My gut reaction.... as a guy even...is that if he'll cheat on his current wife, then what's to stop him from cheating on you later? That would be the thing that would nag at me if he left his wife for me.

OTOH... Maybe his marriage is a sham. Maybe it was wrong from the git-go. He's stuck with someone he really doesn't love. Then you found each other, you're soul mates, etc. Sometimes that does happen. John Lennon, Johnny Cash two examples of famous people who did that. Even then, whose to say that if/when trouble arises he doesn't look to get out with another new person?

I think the trip abroad may be good. A little distance. When you meet up again and the spark is still there, see how he has dealt with his current marriage. If he's really serious about being with a soul mate, he'll start the proceedings to end the marriage that doesn't work. If he keeps coming up with excuses as to why he can't leave her for you, well...he's probably playing you.

My two cents for what it's worth... having seen friends and siblings go through this very thing.

SueInAz

Thanks for all the posts so far, even the ones that hurt.

To answer different questions,

- I need help concerning the way my emotions are controlling the way I treat my body, I can feel it is suffering whether I over-eat crappy food or not eat at all. I can't exercise because I need to finish all of my job and don't have time and it's far and all of that. I am just ruining my efforts and I am afraid that I fall off the train for good!

- I am leaving but I may come back soon in the same place.

- They have no kids

I don't think you said how long this has been going on. If it's been longer than a few months, they have no kids, and he still hasn't left her? He probably never will. "The kids" are what keep most couples, who would otherwise divorce, together. There has been some good advice here, so far. I will repeat some of it, and some is from person experience:

- Once a cheater, always a cheater. If he's cheating on her, he'll do it to you.
- No marriage is perfect. If he's willing to cheat because his isn't "ideal", it gives a pretty good insight into his true character.
- You aren't seeing the "whole" person. You get the best of him and his wife gets the rest.
- He's cheating on his wife AND you. If you can't have him to yourself, you are being cheated on. He's probably sleeping with you both, even if he tells you he isn't.

My advice is to break this off as soon as possible; don't wait until you leave. You can make an ultimatum "leave her or I'm done" but that's up to you. If you're leaving anyway, it may not be the best option. If, however, you do end up coming back to the same town, and you still want to be with him, you need to make that a condition of getting back together. Don't pick up where you left off, because you will eventually live to regret it.

I honestly wish you the best of luck.

Ashley_Panda

There is only seating for two in a marriage! You need to stop the affair. Based on your admitted guilt and need for approval you know it's wrong. Sometimes we have to be an adult, and stop acting like an unreasonable teen. Your and his actions have consequences. His are more severe. A marriage is supposed to be safe. If it's not "ideal or what he expected" he has had every opportunity to end the marriage. Think about how betrayed his wife must/will feel. Think about how you would feel if someone that you agreed to devote your life to betrayed your trust. You may not be directly hurting her,but your enabling HIM to hurt her. And don't kid yourself she will find out. Honestly most men don't leave their wives for the GF.

BINGO! We have a winner.

MyaPapaya75

Its sad you and he have put yourselves in this position... .. he is married ..... ...it just shows neither of you value that commitment so really would be a bit hypocritical for you to expect any type of future with him and expect him to cherish a union between you and him.....now IF you dont expect any future then why do it anyway? what is there to gain besides hurt? saying you "love" him just isnt enough.......IF he is too much of a coward to divorce his wife and would rather drag her along for his joyride I think thats pretty selfish....I learned something years ago from my Father...we as people have to have standards....IF you start out by setting the standard low then how can you expect anything or any kind of decent future with him? ...and IF he is willing to be with someone that will settle for less and accept being second fiddle....only proves he has low expectations of you...You need to let this toxic relationship go and find someone who can encourage the good things in you not the bad....someone who loves you doesnt encourage you to live a lie....only you can end it because he is too much of a coward to do so....You will continue to have the emotional eating because your life is toxic...take the signs and put yourself first and do whats right

DizzieLittleLifter

No judgement from me, just *hugs* I don't put my personal stuff out here, for exactly the reasons you're trying to avoid. If someone hasn't walked a mile in your (or even his!) shoes, they have no place to judge. At all. I hope you're able to find the resolution you're looking for, and that this comes to an end that you can make peace with (meaning, the end result is something you can cope with). In the meantime, try to take care of you, and if you have the option, set a timer for about every two or three hours to remind you to get something to eat - whether you're hungry or not. *hug* again.

Thank you :embarassed:

It is true that people don't know me, I always HATED these kind of people, doing what I was doing, because I have MYSELF suffered from that and I never thought that I would be on the other side!!

And I realize that I was not clear in my post -- main reason why I am posting is because my emotions control my eating, and the guilt is unbearable here. It's not only about dieting any more, it is my overall health.

That's not true, you could have simply stated that you are under an great deal of emotional stress. Instead you chose to brign it out in the open. You clearly want to talk about it. Which is fine, but be prepared for the backlash. A lot of people here are married or have been the victim in an affaire.

Sunny_Lexie

well said!!! and sadly true!!!! dont put your self in that position again! no matther where you are on the planet,,, you diserve a MAN, not just someone's man,,, give your self credit, and mostly, self-esteem!!

I know...

candlegal

Just keep this in mind my dear: He is cheating on his current wife, if he should leave her for you, what would keep him from repeating his behavior?? Protect yourself like Sweet Pandora said you deserve someone all to yourself!!!

mirandamatte

Just curious, it doesn't bother you at all that he is still sleeping with his wife at the same time as you??

Sunny_Lexie

That's not true, you could have simply stated that you are under an great deal of emotional stress. Instead you chose to brign it out in the open. You clearly want to talk about it. Which is fine, but be prepared for the backlash. A lot of people here are married or have been the victim in an affaire.

It is not "just" an emotional stress, it has never reached this level, an yes I also need advice from people.

The reason why I am telling the story is that other people's point of view will help me put some order in my messy thoughts, hence in my emotions, hence in my eating!!

As for the haters, I knew it from the start but I am sure I could get mad at them for some other reason...

Sunny_Lexie

Just curious, it doesn't bother you at all that he is still sleeping with his wife at the same time as you??

Not really at the same time, she lives on the other side of the country. Actually he is there now, and to answer your question, it is TORTURING me.

amymrls

I feel for you. Heartbreak is horrible, I have the same problems myself when I am suffering from heartbreak. I am pretty sure you already know what you have to do is resolve the situation. Anyway much love lots of hugs. If you ever want someone to talk to privately about the situation, I am here for you. I will not judge. Just try to keep your chin up.

msamcoates

Well .... I would say get another hobby and focus your time energy and life into that ..... most famous quote I can think of is "out of sight, out of mind" .... this move should be great for you .... start off fresh ..... get your health back in order .....

How are you about exercising? Turn that into a hobby.

Good luck.

Atlantique

It seems that a great deal of the emotional stress is coming from your knowledge that what you are doing goes against your own moral code. It also seems that you could alleviate a great deal of your emotional stress by ending this relationship, as you seem to believe in your heart and own moral code would be proper.

You aren't happy with this arrangement, and odds are you never will be. Even if the fantasy happens and he leaves his wife, you'll never be able to fully trust him.

It seems that the shortest route to dealing with this emotional eating issue is to simply stop participating in it.

recipe4success

In my opinion, to be effective at weight loss and living healthy we have to deal with skeletons in our closet....past or current ones...because these are often what might drive us to eat because of emotional stress etc

A relationship is not supposed to cause you stress, it is supposed to be supportive and energize you..so in my opinion if this one is driving you to emotionally eat then you need to leave it behind..

..and i have plenty more i could say about the morals of the situation but i think others have covered it and expressed my feelings already.

Solat37_Neil

All these "moral high ground" replies, try not to take em to heart, You are clearly not a "bad" person and the fact you made the original post makes you bloody brave. Just wise up and as I said earlier, hold your head high and learn from this dreadful mistake/situation.

Sunny_Lexie

youre probably right, his marriage is probably just as you say, not what he expected. I bet his wife just doesnt understand him like you do, and if you properly got it on together it would NEVER be like that because youre just a downright more exciting attractive woman than his wife and she just probably doesnt deserve him. Its probably ALL her own fault.

You carry on doing what youre doing my love. Im sure it will never happen to you. x

Did I EVER say it was all her own fault? Never!! I will not blame or take defense of any of them because I am not actually there to see when things go wrong. And FYI, she is beautiful and it has already happened to me twice. Happy now?

NicolePatriot

Get yourself out of the this situation and get your emotions in check. The eating will get better when you're not stressed out by doing what you know is wrong. It will be hard at first, BUT you must do this for YOU. Look inside yourself for happiness, not a man.