Confession - Moralistic people please drop it...

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  • kdao
    kdao Posts: 265
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    I'm not gonna describe the whole thing, just that his marriage is not really idealistic and apparently not what he expected.

    This made me laugh.....if it is not idealistic, then why is he staying with her. Sounds like you are getting played too, but that's your karma.
  • My3Rayz
    My3Rayz Posts: 373
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    If things are so horrible in his marriage, why is he still there? I love the whole "it's complicated" thing. There's no excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage and screw someone else. He's being selfish and everyone around him is paying the price. Cut your losses while you can!!!
  • SweetTooth68
    SweetTooth68 Posts: 169 Member
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    I am going to send you a PM.
  • 6Janelle13
    6Janelle13 Posts: 353 Member
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    I am trying to ignore the affair part of your post. It is hurting you, and his family. That is not ok. You need to find the strength to free yourself so you aren't wondering what might have been. You need to take control of your eating and working out because you are hurting yourself more than anyone.
    You can not control the world around you but you can control how you react to it. Dust off your boots, make some decisions and end things decisively. Start fresh in a new area and figure out what is missing in your life that you need to get control. This is about you getting back to you and hopefully being happier and guilt free.
  • Newmammaluv
    Newmammaluv Posts: 379 Member
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    Well I am the wife of a man who has cheated on me because our relationship isn't ideal. Never will be. I am also the wife that has cheated on her husband because our relationship isn't ideal. Again, never will be. I am taking the time to write to you because there are some very important things you need to know. No matter what your boyfriend acts like around you, when you are not around I am sure he is another person entirely. There is a reason why their marriage is unhappy and it is NOT exclusively the wife's fault. Relationships are never what you expect them to be so that isn't a good excuse to bail out of it and go wandering.

    There are many different reasons why affairs start but the ONLY certain thing is that they need to end. That doesn't mean that they need to get back together because if that were the only solution everyone would be absolutely miserable. Right now your boyfriend has his cake and is eating it too. He has a girlfriend who adores him and a wife to fall back on if you find someone else to be with -- or leave the country. It's awful and sad but he really does owe it to you to make a decision. Because in all honesty he is cheating on YOU too. Not many "other women" see things this way but it is absolutely true. While my husband was cheating on me and telling this other woman how horrible I was and how he needed to get out of the relationship he was trying everything in his power to sleep with me and hold me tight each and every night. He was in effect cheating on both of us. I don't blame the "other woman" at all because my husband is a liar.

    Sometimes all someone needs is some space to work through their emotional cobwebs. I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation but it will get better and it will change. Just take it slowly and eventually it will be taken out of your hands and you will be going out of the country. At that time take a moment to really take a deep breath and examine ALL of the angles of the situation.
  • drasr
    drasr Posts: 181
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    It's already very hard to know the true nature of someone and it becomes doubly difficult when they are trying to impress you. You see what you want to see and what they want to show.
    Plus about the marriage not being perfect, i assume since you are close to him, you have heard only one side of the story.
    One way to find out if the guy really liked you is to see how he behaves when you leave town. If he still tries to reach you etc then he does but if he starts ignoring you, then you know what haapened.
  • Solat37_Neil
    Solat37_Neil Posts: 379 Member
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    **** happens (in my experience) and I certainly don't think any less of you for this post, I've been there (both sets of shoes) and I know how much it f**kin hurts, BUT people are people, and sometimes we let **** happen that we probably shouldn't.
    Move on, get over him and you'll meet a single guy that ticks all the boxes (maybe better) one day..

    It's pointless beating yourself up, Just be strong and hold your head up. (You have proved you have good moral fibre because you feel like crap about this whole situation)

    Good luck :o)
  • Sunny_Lexie
    Sunny_Lexie Posts: 114
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    Thanks for all the posts so far, even the ones that hurt.

    To answer different questions,

    - I need help concerning the way my emotions are controlling the way I treat my body, I can feel it is suffering whether I over-eat crappy food or not eat at all. I can't exercise because I need to finish all of my job and don't have time and it's far and all of that. I am just ruining my efforts and I am afraid that I fall off the train for good!

    - I am leaving but I may come back soon in the same place.

    - They have no kids
  • Sunny_Lexie
    Sunny_Lexie Posts: 114
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    If he hasn't left his wife for you by now then he probably wont. Maybe he's been lieing to you just to get a piece on the side. Do you truly know him? Like I say, if he hasn't left his wife by now then he probably wont.

    We crossed the line about a month ago so maybe it is early to discuss this topic...
  • Sunny_Lexie
    Sunny_Lexie Posts: 114
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    If he hasn't left his wife for you by now then he probably wont. Maybe he's been lieing to you just to get a piece on the side. Do you truly know him? Like I say, if he hasn't left his wife by now then he probably wont.

    We crossed the line about a month ago so maybe it is early to discuss this topic...
  • DizzieLittleLifter
    DizzieLittleLifter Posts: 1,020 Member
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    There is only seating for two in a marriage! You need to stop the affair. Based on your admitted guilt and need for approval you know it's wrong. Sometimes we have to be an adult, and stop acting like an unreasonable teen. Your and his actions have consequences. His are more severe. A marriage is supposed to be safe. If it's not "ideal or what he expected" he has had every opportunity to end the marriage. Think about how betrayed his wife must/will feel. Think about how you would feel if someone that you agreed to devote your life to betrayed your trust. You may not be directly hurting her,but your enabling HIM to hurt her. And don't kid yourself she will find out. Honestly most men don't leave their wives for the GF.
  • Ms_Natalie
    Ms_Natalie Posts: 1,030 Member
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    Hi everyone,
    I understand that this is a very emotive topic but insulting other members is strictly prohibited. Anyone found to insult others will be issued a warning. Whether the OP was posting for advice or whether she was trying to get it all down in one place; derogatory comments will not ease the situation. If this continues this thread will be locked.

    Ms_Natalie
    MyFitnessPal Forum Moderator :flowerforyou:
  • BethTucker
    BethTucker Posts: 21
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    Okay.

    I'm not gonna describe the whole thing, just that his marriage is not really idealistic and apparently not what he expected.

    So me doing that is already hard for me, why the heck don't I stop? I fell in love with the guy. He has truly so many qualities that I am looking for (no wonder why he's married, I guess). And he makes me feel soooo good. Everything looks so simple with him even if the situation is so complicated. But I leave the country in one month so everything will be over anyway. Still, I kind of feel that he starts to have feelings too... This KILLS me. :brokenheart:
  • ppiinnkkmmoonn
    ppiinnkkmmoonn Posts: 418
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    hum ill think ill pass on marriage...........................truth my father did that to my mother and it was a just a sad thing for me and my sisters three of us an we all have male issues and non of us are or want it. three girls non married ???? mad issues makes me stay far away from the ideal and most men and i never cheated or mess with a married man but the marriage seems messy i was suppose to marry sept 24 this year but decide i was not ready about two months ago.
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
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    youre probably right, his marriage is probably just as you say, not what he expected. I bet his wife just doesnt understand him like you do, and if you properly got it on together it would NEVER be like that because youre just a downright more exciting attractive woman than his wife and she just probably doesnt deserve him. Its probably ALL her own fault.

    You carry on doing what youre doing my love. Im sure it will never happen to you. x
  • pyro13g
    pyro13g Posts: 1,127 Member
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    The only thing wrong is him stringing his wife along. And just remember, if you do end up with him, he may also cheat on you. You sort of already gave him approval of cheating.
  • mielikkibz
    mielikkibz Posts: 552 Member
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    Well, of course you fell in love with him because you get the good guy. You don't have to deal with the stuff a wife has to....finances, kids (if any), he won't reject you with sex, and you don't get his bad moods. It's not realistic, and honestly he'll cheat on you.

    bingo, if he's cheated on someone he made vows to, he won't be honest with you.

    I unfortunately can't feel sorry for you. . having BTDT in the wife's shoes, I never, ever will understand why someone would a) date a married person, b) not ask for divorce before doing something stupid like screw around on the side
  • BethTucker
    BethTucker Posts: 21
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    I would just like to point out that there is no marriage that is ideal or what we all expect. Marriage is work, despite how much you loved your partner before marriage. And with maturity comes the realization that you don't up and disrespect your partner just because you are attracted to another human. Also, you say he has qualities that you are looking for. Is a cheater one of them? I am not saying that we are all not without our faults but there is an old saying, "Do it with you, do it TO you." I am older than you and I can tell you that a leopard does not change his spots, despite what they say or even believe at the time. Leaving him for a while will be a positive step for both of you.


    Sorry my stuff is so far apart, I can't figure this thing out.
  • bluebeatle49
    bluebeatle49 Posts: 6
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    As a married woman I find what you are doing despicable, but not just because of you, If my husband were unhappy with our relationship I would want him to talk to me and try to work it out before jumping into bed with another woman.

    As a woman in love, its hard when some form of that feeling is reciprocated because you think there is a chance of "forever" or "ever lasting love" but you should ask yourself whether or not you think he will ever leave his wife for you. Or, ask him what he plans to do with you, because if the only thing that is happening for him is sex you need to get out and dust yourself off and find someone else and he needs to work out the issue with his wife and get the sex from were he is supposed to.

    I don't think you are a horrible person, but nobody ends up with the married guy. What if you end up hurting the wife in the process, will you be okay being a part of something that may ruin the life of someone else? We all make mistakes, but this one should be avoided, The ring on his finger should be the only barrier you need to be able to stay away from him.

    It would be perfect if the man we want would always be available but he's not. In high school he was with a prettier or more popular girl, In college you lusted after him from a distance 'cause you never got the courage up to talk to him, now he has a wife, it time to forget whatever feeling you have for him and move on. In the long run, you wont wanna be with a guy who would cheat on his wife anyway. Every time your relationship with him needed a little more work than usual ('cause relationships are hard work) you would be afraid that instead of going to a business meeting he was meeting up with the latest mistress. It would eat you alive, and it's not fun to live like that.

    I hope you make the choice that will make you happier, but don't get your hopes up and think about the other woman, she is just like you, she love him too, otherwise, she wouldn't be married to him.
  • KickassYas
    KickassYas Posts: 397 Member
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    trust me i'm not a bag of morals but i will say this... put yourself in her shoes regardless to you being in love with him, he made a promise to another woman.

    why hasn't he filed for divorce? if he's not happy that is....

    and at this point you need to find another way to express your sadness over this because when all is said and done, eating/not eating isn't going to fix it. I usually write out my pain. try it. you might feel a lil better. ;)

    :( i'm so sorry you're goin through this. really. its so hard and complicated to fall for someone who is not wholly available.

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