Confession - Moralistic people please drop it...

coultesr

I had a close friend date a married man.... he did end up leaving his wife, but it wasn't for her. I hope you find what you're looking for... but it sounds like you may just need to focus on yourself. With all of the emotional eating and stressing, you aren't ready to be committed to anyone.

drasr

I had a close friend date a married man.... he did end up leaving his wife, but it wasn't for her.

Bingo!!!

crisanderson27

If he hasn't left his wife for you by now then he probably wont. Maybe he's been lieing to you just to get a piece on the side. Do you truly know him? Like I say, if he hasn't left his wife by now then he probably wont.

This is simple truth. No kids? He's sticking with her for a reason, and using you on the 'other side of the country' to fill a gap.

My ex cheated a few times...granted, she has severe chemical/emotional issues which are the root cause of it all...but that doesn't make it hurt any less. She told these guys I beat her, emotionally abused her, forced her to do demeaning things to support us while I wasn't working...it was all lies, all for attention she needed to be stable..and all designed to gain approval and support of her poor choices and her deplorable actions. Men instinctively try to protect women...and men, instinctively try to get down pretty women's pants. Every one of those guys (except the most recent...long story there), when made aware of the situation as it was in truth...ran for cover as fast as humanly possible.

Now that we're not together...she lies to her family (the ones that screwed her up in the first place) even still...telling them I don't let her talk to the kids, along with dozens of other things.

The point is...he's not going to change, walk the hell away, for the sake of YOURSELF. There is NOTHING holding you to this loser who cannot and will not maintain his vows. You are binging and tearing yourself up because you know it's WRONG. If it's wrong, why do it??? It doesn't make any sense.

I do not cheat...period. I refuse. I never cheated on my ex, despite her actions...because I made a promise and that is that. I've been in your shoes though, when I was younger...and fell for the 'he's horrible to me!' line a couple times. It's no fun...and it's an easy trap to fall into.

So here's my advice. You want to correct your emotional situation? You want to correct your eating habits? You want to regain the will to exercise? Get the HELL away from the person thats causing it all.

There is NO other answer hun, sorry to say it.

Rubie81

I don't consider myself moralistic but I did just post a Topic a couple of days ago titled, "Very Off Topic - I'm depressed."
Why, because my husband is cheating on me. So I am on the other side of what you are going through. Apparently my husband and this girl are in love and he has left me and my two kids. I won't judge you. But just really think about what you are doing and all the people that can be affected in the long run. Especially you. This may seem exciting to you now but what of the future? Marriages undergo difficulties daily, daily struggles, daily tribulations. Would you want another woman to step into your spot while you and your husband undergo challenges?

Newmammaluv

All these "moral high ground" replies, try not to take em to heart, You are clearly not a "bad" person and the fact you made the original post makes you bloody brave. Just wise up and as I said earlier, hold your head high and learn from this dreadful mistake/situation.

I'm with Neil on this one!! I think it is horrible how so many people just want to get their digs in. They had their own pain so somehow they want you to feel shamed because of their own. Hey, I've had pain and caused pain too but I will be the LAST one to try and actively make you feel bad. The people who do are not worth listening to at all. If they can't say it in a constructive way then they are basically asking to be ignored.

I also agree with a few of the other posts about getting rid of the skelletons before you can move on. You have to confess everything, lance the boil so to speak, before you can start healing. Sometimes you have to let EVERYTHING come out and lay it all out on the table before you can make heads or tails of what's going on.

I think the best thing you can do for your eating and health right now is to plan out everything and make it fool proof. Bring a jump rope to work with you and pack all your snacks and meals. Set timers, tell co-workers that you plan on meeting them for food/snacks. Make yourself accountable without actually having to tell people exactly what you are going through. It WILL get better.

drasr

I said something that i shouldn't have. So edited my post since i can't delete it. Sorry.

Sunny_Lexie

You don't need to be aggressive in order to express your opinion. Why I wrote "drop it" ? Because I already know that it is wrong.

Am I only looking for approval for the horrible thing I did?

No. I say drop the moralistic lecture and give me FACTS and objective experiences as opinions. For example, as many people said, if he cheats on her, he will cheat on me. That is an opinion from a FACT.

For moralistic things, I have (believe it or not!) my own guilty conscience.

jackpotclown

Ok, to put it the simplest and kindest way possible, your situation isn't meant to be. It won't work out and you know it. You were involved with the wrong person. There is someone out there for you....someone who is all those things you need.....and above all....available to reciprocate (ooh, big word of the day) what you bring to the relationship. When you find the right one, it will be much easier than this. Walk away. Then there will be no need to beat yourself up (or have others do it for you) by emotionally eating/starving yourself

lejess

No. I say drop the moralistic lecture and give me FACTS and objective experiences as opinions. For example, as many people said, if he cheats on her, he will cheat on me. That is an opinion from a FACT.

FACT: A woman who involves herself with a married man does not respect herself enough to choose a better partner.
FACT: You DO deserve better! Find the strength inside you to demand more for your life.
FACT: You are involved in an act that hurts another human being. "Harm none and do as you will" What you are doing harms. Stop it.
FACT: You control your destiny. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself?
FACT: We all make mistakes, the key here is that you LEARN, move forward, and find something/someone better for yourself.

How's that for facts you are asking for?

crisanderson27

No. I say drop the moralistic lecture and give me FACTS and objective experiences as opinions. For example, as many people said, if he cheats on her, he will cheat on me. That is an opinion from a FACT.

FACT: A woman who involves herself with a married man does not respect herself enough to choose a better partner.
FACT: You DO deserve better! Find the strength inside you to demand more for your life.
FACT: You are involved in an act that hurts another human being. "Harm none and do as you will" What you are doing harms. Stop it.
FACT: You control your destiny. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself?
FACT: We all make mistakes, the key here is that you LEARN, move forward, and find something/someone better for yourself.

How's that for facts you are asking for?

Well said hun. The only one that wins in this situation is him.

As for myself, I'd be calling his wife and admitting everything too. There's no children to be hurt...done deal, and I'd feel a HELL of a lot better about myself.

Cris

Rubie81

Funny, because I've tried calling the woman that is sleeping with my husband and she answers the phone but won't speak. And once I start talking she hangs up. My "husband" tells me, "Well, what is she going to say to you?" And I really don't know. I guess I want to know, "Why?"

amymrls

Funny, because I've tried calling the woman that is sleeping with my husband and she answers the phone but won't speak. And once I start talking she hangs up. My "husband" tells me, "Well, what is she going to say to you?" And I really don't know. I guess I want to know, "Why?"

I was involved in a relationship like this once. When I first met him I didn't know he was married. When I found out I was naive and hurt and thought I really loved him. The fact was I loved the attention he gave me. When we did spend time togetherr he always gave me the good stuff. Then when he left his wife I had the "whole" him and found out how horrible the whole picture was. After living in constant heartache because he cheated on me also, I left. But honestly at the time I was thinking selfishly and naively and didnt really realize the effect it had on hs wife until I lived it.

All I really remember from the whole situation was pain and betrayal. It was horrible.

Sunny_Lexie

When you ask moral people not to answer that tells me you know its morally wrong and don't want to deal with it. If thats the case you really don't have a problem do you? You want what you want and you don't want to be reminded of its moralistic issues. So why even post it? I am not judging because I was where you are. I WASTED 5 years on a man that I had originally described exactly the way you did. He NEVER left her and I was a fool. Its good your leaving. Gives you time to really think about why you want an unavailable man. What are you afraid of with a single man? Commitment fears? Fear of being hurt because you give all of yourself and he gives you all of himself? There is something you get or something your avoiding when you date a married man. What is it? Just think about it.

I already answered several times for the moralistic part, as of the others:
I am not afraid of a single man, this is the first time it is happening.
I don't want to avoid anything while dating him, actually I would absolutely love to be with him all the time, take care of him cook for him, do the laundry, and other things that may have been mentioned. I'm not being with him for sex, if it is ultimately the question that everyone is secretely asking.

Conversely he IS a guy to who I want to give all of myself, but life su**s.

MeliciousMelis

I think you are very brave for choosing to open this up for discussion on the forums...and, on my part, no judgement, because its not my place.

As far as coping with your decisions, and tying the issues to emotional eating/not eating....I'd suggest you talk to someone, a counselor, etc. about the root causes of behavior. Anyone, all of us, we have bigger things behind eating a lot or not eating, and those are the things that really need to be dealt with.

Treat the cause, not the symptom, as it were.

Another small piece of advice....please love yourself to want the best for yourself...

crisanderson27

Funny, because I've tried calling the woman that is sleeping with my husband and she answers the phone but won't speak. And once I start talking she hangs up. My "husband" tells me, "Well, what is she going to say to you?" And I really don't know. I guess I want to know, "Why?"

They don't care hun...they're both selfish and honestly, probably deserve each other. I sent my ex's newest little 'boyfriend' a couple of emails while we were still living together (he's deployed in Iraq...it was an online thing)...with picture proof she was lying to him (us in the SAME bed under the covers with her head on my shoulder, dated pic...she told him she slept downstairs), the full story of what was really going on...all of it.

He just....flat...didn't...care. She is a wonderful actress, and is far prettier than he would ever be able to get if she didn't have the issues she does...and that's all that mattered to him.

Anyone who cheats is selfish, and anyone who is helping another cheat is being selfish as well. The difference is, the second person is often fooled into believing things (that they know better than to believe...but as the person being used, emotions usually blind them...and the selfishness is often unintentional or temporary. But once the cheater leaves for the new person (on the rare occasion it happens...don't worry...he'll cheat on her too) it solidifies all the things she/he's been telling themselves all along...and they feel justified. They'll latch on at that point like a pit bull.

My brother's current wife of 10yrs was his mistress from his previous marriage (which produced two children). She did all the same things...and yes, he's cheated on her multiple times. Apparently...it's worth it to her to stick aruond.

Bleh...

texastae1010

I am going to say this I do have morals and I do believe what you are doing is wrong but this is not going to be bashing.
1. My ex-husband cheated on me told the girlfriend basically the same things I am reading here that you have been told we do not have kids together etc….now I had a suspicions but he was out of town a lot because of his job so no real way to pinpoint what was going on in his world type of thing. They spent months together day in day out be she was his little secret so she never got the married man side of him the stressors that even when you are just boyfriend and girlfriend that do not exist the stressors that seem to appear only in marriage..she never had any of those… How did I find out well she got knocked up and I refused to be a step mother to child born while I was married to this man...Guess what when she got all of him as said before the good the bad and the ugly she dropped him before the baby was even born because the fairytale of the perfect man was no more. I got the brunt of him cranky from work, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc…..he wasn’t so perfect anymore….I am in my mid-thirties now and have had some major trust issues because of them…which is not fair to me but it is how the world is…why are you getting my back story….is because it is amazing Single people long to be married, married people get into a fight and idealize what it was like to be single, the grass is really not greener on the other side of the fence at all….if he hasn’t left her he probably isn’t going to and you really don’t want him…I have been divorced for 6 or 7 years now he is still bouncing around from woman to woman because he is emotionally damaged I am not saying this out of cruelty but what he has told me himself …instead of addressing any issues we had to try to work on them he went out and slept around lord only knows how many etc…and now he cannot find peace within himself because he feels his is morally bankrupt…and honestly has a line of women that he has hurt and has been so cruel to it is amazing…(the only reason I know of how he is now is because of some things within our divorce that demanded us to stay in contact)….even if your magic fairytale works out he will not be the man that you think he is and you will not be the same woman because in your heart you know what you are doing is wrong as you stated before and can morally bankrupt you to a point that you become numb and no longer care or feel and that is scary…I do not understand how people cheat but this is not my place to understand nor mine to judge because I am not your higher power.

2. For your eating you are stuffing or not stuffing your feelings depending on the cycle because of your guilt let’s be honest/ok you have feelings for him I have no idea how old you are I don’t really care but you can walk away…people break up with people they love all the time, people pass away and we grieve and we move on…so rip the band-aid just stop what you are doing that is causing you to feel this way inside….take the time to feel the sadness of losing someone…and then move on…get back to taking care of you and you being happy because no man can make you happy and you can’t make a man happy you both can only come together to enjoy each other …a person cannot be loved or love another truly until they love themselves and I hate to say this but I worry that you do not love yourself or you wouldn’t be in this situation…you would have walked so far and so fast as soon as you found out he was married….so walk away not coming from a woman who was scorned but as a fellow woman who wants you to love you and not hurt for longer than you are needed and to become void inside…a book I found on emotional eating is “Shrink Yourself” when you are there at a point that you can work on you I would look into it.

Sunny_Lexie

No. I say drop the moralistic lecture and give me FACTS and objective experiences as opinions. For example, as many people said, if he cheats on her, he will cheat on me. That is an opinion from a FACT.

FACT: A woman who involves herself with a married man does not respect herself enough to choose a better partner.
FACT: You DO deserve better! Find the strength inside you to demand more for your life.
FACT: You are involved in an act that hurts another human being. "Harm none and do as you will" What you are doing harms. Stop it.
FACT: You control your destiny. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself?
FACT: We all make mistakes, the key here is that you LEARN, move forward, and find something/someone better for yourself.

How's that for facts you are asking for?

Much better! :bigsmile:

suziblues2000

Emotional eating is eating when you should be doing something else...like working through your feelings in a more healthy way.
THERAPY!

As far as this guy being so wonderful and having so many good qualifications and all, there is one qualification that I'd NOT want in my man and that would be: CHEATER!

Good luck to you.
But really, you sound like an intelligent woman who just got caught up in something nasty that will cause more hurt and drama than anything else.
Why don't you find a therapist or group of people and get some professional help instead of looking for help on a Fitness/Diet online site?

Again: good luck to you.

crisanderson27

Conversely he IS a guy to who I want to give all of myself, but life su**s.

So let me get this straight...this guy...this liar...this cheater...is a guy who you'd want to give all of yourself to??

I'm not judging you, I don't know you...but the fact is that people should probably stop replying at this point. The blinders are on...and all that is said in disagreement with the situation will be either ignored, rejected, or in some other way turned around to support 'the cause'.

I'm just thankful there is no children...all they have to hurt is themselves. That doesn't make it right by any stretch...but at least the pain will be confined to adults.

Sunny_Lexie

Funny, because I've tried calling the woman that is sleeping with my husband and she answers the phone but won't speak. And once I start talking she hangs up. My "husband" tells me, "Well, what is she going to say to you?" And I really don't know. I guess I want to know, "Why?"

I would never call her. At least she does not know. I don't want her to be devastated, I know how it feels. And if it is only a big mistake for him, maybe it is better that he has his guilty conscience and still try to make things work with her. He said once (but not to me!) that he would give them a try for two more years. I hope it works, and I hope she knows how lucky she is to have him!

krizstyling

To me it sounds like you have low self esteem. Any time a woman dates a man that isn't fully "hers", she is searching for something to fill that void...she isn't happy within herself and the men prey on that (and vice versa).

Bottom line, if you care about yourself, get out and get out fast. You have got to find what makes you binge and not eat and work on YOU, before you will EVER be content in your own skin. I'm sure that osunds easier said then done, but who wants another woman's leftovers?!

I wish you strength and patience during this time!

drasr

I hope it works, and I hope she knows how lucky she is to have him!

Is she really?? Lucky to have a cheating husband??

Sunny_Lexie

Conversely he IS a guy to who I want to give all of myself, but life su**s.

So let me get this straight...this guy...this liar...this cheater...is a guy who you'd want to give all of yourself to??

I'm not judging you, I don't know you...but the fact is that people should probably stop replying at this point. The blinders are on...and all that is said in disagreement with the situation will be either ignored, rejected, or in some other way turned around to support 'the cause'.

I'm just thankful there is no children...all they have to hurt is themselves. That doesn't make it right by any stretch...but at least the pain will be confined to adults.

I was for 3 years with a guy who cheated on me and lied twice. But he admitted and felt sincerely sorry, and I know he was sincere. I forgave him, and still wanted to give him the best of me because what we had was precious. (it ended for some other reason).

Now, I may sound naive, but I know that people can learn from their mistakes (and I have learnt a big deal today).

krizstyling

May I ask the age of the parties involved? It sounds like you are very young and searching for something that doesn't exist in this man...

Sunny_Lexie

I hope it works, and I hope she knows how lucky she is to have him!

Is she really?? Lucky to have a cheating husband??

In spite of all, yes. He is doing a mistake, for which I am partly responsible since I accepted, but he is a really good person. I know he will regret.

drasr

I hope it works, and I hope she knows how lucky she is to have him!

Is she really?? Lucky to have a cheating husband??

In spite of all, yes. He is doing a mistake, for which I am partly responsible since I accepted, but he is a really good person. I know he will regret.

I have a strong feeling that she will disagree.

FearAnLoathing

I have been where you are,and thats all I will say about that.What you need to do is step away from the situation,IF he leaves his wife and you want to give it a go then go ahead (i wouldnt recomend it)
The thing is you said he wants to give it 2 years with the wife to see if it works out,so he wants to wait 2 years and boink you on the side? If he love you he would not be on the other side of the country with his wife he would be with you.hes not.
this is obviously tearing you up you need to break it off now before it destroys you compleatly

kwinterscheidt

I would try keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings. I know when i am struggling with something, if i just write it down its helps me get it off my chest per say and also work through the issue. journaling can be very cathartic and you may actually learn something about yourself that you didnt know before.
Some else posted to substitute exercise with eating. i totally agree. when my husband was working tons of overtime and was never home, i was really upset about it and i was walking about 8 miles a day and it really helped me clear my head and helped me get over some of my anger at the situation.
i dont judge you at all, sometimes we just find ourselves in situations that we know are not good but we dont know how we got there or how to get out. everybody makes mistakes and as long as you learned something, i wouldnt even say it was a mistake.
so just try to keep your head up and focus on taking care of yourself and finding a solution for your situation!
good luck

Missevanston

Without judging you or your situation my advise is this: Take care of yourself...Eat well, exercise daily and work on clearing up and out your mind.

Good Luck

Clonekuh

Sounds like it's making you miserable. Maybe you should stop and focus on yourself?