not married

foxyforce

I am so frustrated and just wanted to rant to those who have supported me (mfp) instead of all the people in my real life who just don't get it.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a HALF years. In that time I have finished my college diploma in social services, and I just graduated from a 4 year honours BA in psych. I am so goal oriented. I have always had an end game in mind for whatever it was that I was trying to accomplish. I knew that after my BA that I wanted to just work for a couple of years, full time, and you know, get married.

Not only has he never proposed, he knows I want to get married. I sat him down in the food court at the mall a few months ago because I am tired of being ****ed around. And I told him, I want kids, I want a family and if he wasn't in that game then we need to split. I also told him that when I was ready to be engaged, that I would get engaged.

I am not proposing to him. I have worked really hard at so many things in my life, and for once I want to depend on someone that I love to do something for me.

I am ready to be engaged. but 6 and a half years is even hard to consider leaving.

am I being totally irrational here. I feel like a fish that is too big for her bowl. i am so frustrated. All my friends and family say "when are you getting married?", but I have a feeling no one has even asked him...as if I can just marry myself. ugh.....I am stirring and livid!!!!

rileamoyer

time to fly free

SenoraMacias

First off- I haaaaaaaaaaaate the question "When are you getting married?" A.) Rude and B.) Obnoxious. That said- I don't think you're being rash. It's understandable you feel that way. I have felt that way in relationships. BUT it's ultimately up to you. You know what you will and won't settle for (GREAT quality to have), and sometimes you have to stick to your guns. Since you have verbalized your feelings to him, I would give it a little time, bring it up again, and if he still isn't quick on the draw, I'd do some soul searching and figure out if you can do this much longer. You've accomplished so much and sound like you have a ton to share with someone!

suzycreamcheese

maybe he loves you but getting married is not important to him?

ShoeDeahva

I need a little perspective. How old are you and how old is he?

crazyears

I feel your pain, it took my husband 10 years to propose! I tried for years to "force" him into it but would have felt awful if I thought I made him do it. The last few years were especially hard, I had to ask myself "Would I rather be with him and not married or without him?" For me the answer was easy but the situation was still difficult.
Good Luck!!

millermichellelea

I walked that path many years ago. Truth is if he wanted to marry you - he would. If you were the one he planned on spending his life with, he would have proposed. I found out that mine was waiting for the right girl to come along and killing time with me. Don't stay unless you are okay spending many more years not married --- it hurts to walk away, but hurts more five years down the road. Best of luck --

wbond

Not irrational at all...6 1/2 yrs and he hasn't committed to you yet...girl, you might need to start looking for other options or something to make him decide what he wants in his life and if it isnt you you need to go find your happiness

stefraab

Maybe you just need to sit down and discuss it?
I'm not a romantic really... I never expected my husband to propose to me. We discussed it, agreed it was what we both wanted, and went and got a ring together.

Maybe he's just feeling intimidated about having so much on his shoulders?

SarahofTwins

First...Love your tattoo, very beautiful! Second...6 1/2 years is quite some time however I've known other people who have waited longer that are married now, then others who just got up and left. If you are at a different point in your life than he is then its time to get serious with talking the talk. Maybe take a break from it? Ultimately it will be up to you, but you know what is best and where you want to go at this time. Congrats on getting your degree as well! :flowerforyou:

sspetersen

I agree, fly free ... You shouldn't waste time with someone who either doesn't feel the same as you do, or doesn't have the same family goals. Its not an easy thing, but the right thing seldom is.

~Steph~

foxyforce

we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.

FaithandFitness

I would be frustrated too! You know him after 6 and a half years . . .is he going to ask you? I would give him a little time, bring it up again and see. If he is not game then you need to move on. If all that time doesn't bring an engagement then I don't think another year or two will. (It will just leave you frustrated and qualified to write a post about knowing him for 8 and a half years with no engagement)

Some guys have been known to kick it into gear once their woman walks away . . .and the you can choose whether or not to return. If you walk away and he does nothing about it, well, then he doesn't sound like the right one for you. You deserve more!

bakebunny

Yes, I think you are being irrational here. Yes, you want to get married. Yes you want to have kids. And you've decided he's it... unless he won't ask you. The men I have known don't like to be confronted in a public place about their feelings, or the progession of their relationship. You have told him how you feel and you've asked him to make his choice (and propose or not), right? Then step back and let him make his choice.

If you have issued him an ultimatum - "ask me or you're out", then be prepared for the consequences.

Jenscan

Hmm.. I don't really know the answer to this, but I have some questions to mull over.

Why do you want to be married to him? What did he say to that ultimatim you gave him? And, do you want to be married based on that ultimatim? Why are you depending on him, for anything? Why does he want to keep things the way they are? Are you okay with that?

That_Girl

My experience (similar situations in my life) and other people's life lessons is this:

He isn't/won't/doesn't want to marry you.

It stings, it hurts, but that's the reality of it.

TiniTurtle

i can relate completely, i'm hitting 4 years with mine in a few months. we've had the talk many times & i hear it & so does he constantly from family & friends. we're 25 & have degrees & jobs & both live at home with our parents still. (i won't live with him till we are engaged because his brother dated his now wife for 8 years with a 2 year engagement & i don't want that to be me). i don't want to give an ultimatum, he says he is ready & we've looked at rings, but then it's been almost a year of him saying the same stuff & no actions now. is it going to happen or is he placating me till he is ready? i don't want to pressure him & end up with him resenting me for pushing it before he was ready, but i'm ready to take the next steps in life too. what is your bf's opinion on getting engaged soon? mine uses finances as an excuse, like houses & weddings are expensive... logical but not romantic. i love him & am committed & happy with him, so i relate to not wanting to walk away after all these years, but after a certain point what is best for us & smart to say enough, we don't seem to have a future? we can't stay in the same phase of life forever, it's time to grow & progress.

justsummie

Is he goal-oriented in other areas of his life such as his education and/or career? Does he want the same kind of future as you (kids, house in the suburbs or whatever)? Are most of his friends married?

Bigpelly8

As they say, it's time to *kitten* or get off the pot!!! You clearly have made it known to him what you want out of life! You seem like you are a go getter and can accomplish whatever you want in life, so don't let a dude drag you down!! You have worked your butt off for you, and you alone! Be selfish, and take care #1 for a while!

kapeluza

My best friend and her BF were together for 10 years before they got engaged then married. Maybe you need to sit down and talk with him. Ask what his goals are? If he is even interested in marriage?

BEERRUNNER

Drop him like a bag ot apples.......and come over to the awesomely tanned side!! Babycakes I will treat you right

foxyforce

i can relate completely, i'm hitting 4 years with mine in a few months. we've had the talk many times & i hear it & so does he constantly from family & friends. we're 25 & have degrees & jobs & both live at home with our parents still. (i won't live with him till we are engaged because his brother dated his now wife for 8 years with a 2 year engagement & i don't want that to be me). i don't want to give an ultimatum, he says he is ready & we've looked at rings, but then it's been almost a year of him saying the same stuff & no actions now. is it going to happen or is he placating me till he is ready? i don't want to pressure him & end up with him resenting me for pushing it before he was ready, but i'm ready to take the next steps in life too. what is your bf's opinion on getting engaged soon? mine uses finances as an excuse, like houses & weddings are expensive... logical but not romantic. i love him & am committed & happy with him, so i relate to not wanting to walk away after all these years, but after a certain point what is best for us & smart to say enough, we don't seem to have a future? we can't stay in the same phase of life forever, it's time to grow & progress.

we have done all of this as well! still live with our parents, have looked at rings (which is why i said i sat him down at the mall, it was like the third time he asked me to get my finger sized, just get me a ****ing ring and we can resize it for pete's sake!), he says he doesn't want to be engaged living at home, but...people need to have goals. i am not going to move out with someone ive been with for this long if we aren't engaged, it's retarded and a waste of my time. i'm so frustrated. i think im just gonna tell him i need some time not in this relationship and that i just don't want to be a gf anymore. i am not hating on him. but rationally, i need to do what is right for me.

thanks everybody.

blacrasberri

I understand you completely. Like you I was in a long term relationship some time ago. Although he did propose, I ended up leaving him and moving on with my life. Y?? He was too much of a Mama's boy :grumble: While we were in the process of planning the wedding his Mother became more of a priority. He was the only child and his mother made him feel guilty that he was getting married :sad: :sad:

Men understand your actions than your words. You have to do something different & drastic to get his attention. If he means well then he will pop the question. However, if you are all talk & no action then things will remain the same until u make a change

foxyforce

Is he goal-oriented in other areas of his life such as his education and/or career? Does he want the same kind of future as you (kids, house in the suburbs or whatever)? Are most of his friends married?

none of his friends even have girlfriends! the 6 years i have been with him they have all stayed SINGLE. they just sit around and literally smoke pot all day.

and my boyfriends only goal is to buy a house with me, which isn't going to ****ing happen, because i don't feel driven to live with someone who can't put a ring on my finger after all this time. argh.

Jenscan

Yeah, DO NOT buy a house with him!!! It sounds like he wants to move out of mommy's house and into yours. Nope. Nope. Nope.

ShoeDeahva

6.5 years is a long time. However, many men aren't ready to marry until their late twenties or early thirties. Ask yourself what the rest of your relationship is like. If everything else is great, you may want to give him a few more years. If not, perhaps a Pros/Cons evaluation is in order. Good luck and I will be praying for you.

minskugga

I am single and I want to get married! I know if I was with my boyfriend that long and marriage wasn't even discussed as a possibility, I would be fed up too! But, if I love him and feel he is the one that I want to make a life with and he still hasn't proposed I wouldn't leave him because of that. That is just me though.

That being said, I don't think you are being irrational for wanting what he hasn't given you yet. I hope he gives you what you want! Best of luck.

SenoraMacias

we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.

Ok, that last sentence says it all. If you really mean that, this isn't "the one".

ItsCasey

Well, no one can make the decision for you, but if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're ready to get married and it has become clear to you that he's not on the same page, then you have to end things. I know what you mean about the length of the relationship and how hard it is to leave. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 6 years before we broke up. It was really hard for me at first, mostly because he was my best friend and it was hard to separate that after we broke up. But in the end, it was the best decision for both of us. We knew marriage was not in the cards, and we had gotten too old (I was 27, he was 25) to keep wasting time just because our relationship was comfortable and familiar and we were scared to go back to the land of single people. And I must say, there is a lot to be said for that off-the-charts excitement of a budding relationship with a new guy.

It's a leap of faith, but you have to do what's best for you. And I think you are totally right to take the approach that you are not going to propose to him. Politically incorrect as it may sound, that's his job, and if he really wanted to marry you, he'd snatch you up before you leave him and end up with someone else. Something to think about.

TiniTurtle

and my boyfriends only goal is to buy a house with me, which isn't going to ****ing happen, because i don't feel driven to live with someone who can't put a ring on my finger after all this time. argh.

mine is focused on a house right now too / my goal is once i'm more financially stable i'm going to do the same & tell him i need space to work on me for a while, move in with one of my girls or into my own place & if we are meant to be & have a future together then great, if not then it's going to hurt, but we'll find men who want a future with us. honestly, i'm thinking moving into a place without him would be enough to make him realize what he wants & if not, it's a distraction enough that i wouldn't be as much of a wreck as things ended as i would be in my parent's place. good luck girlie. we deserve the best ♥

foxyforce

and my boyfriends only goal is to buy a house with me, which isn't going to ****ing happen, because i don't feel driven to live with someone who can't put a ring on my finger after all this time. argh.

mine is focused on a house right now too / my goal is once i'm more financially stable i'm going to do the same & tell him i need space to work on me for a while, move in with one of my girls or into my own place & if we are meant to be & have a future together then great, if not then it's going to hurt, but we'll find men who want a future with us. honestly, i'm thinking moving into a place without him would be enough to make him realize what he wants & if not, it's a distraction enough that i wouldn't be as much of a wreck as things ended as i would be in my parent's place. good luck girlie. we deserve the best ♥

thats how i feel too, he is all i know. i just moved to a new city also, with my dad and his new wife. so if broke up now i would be completely alone. i need more independence before i can jump i think.