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  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
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    i can relate completely, i'm hitting 4 years with mine in a few months. we've had the talk many times & i hear it & so does he constantly from family & friends. we're 25 & have degrees & jobs & both live at home with our parents still. (i won't live with him till we are engaged because his brother dated his now wife for 8 years with a 2 year engagement & i don't want that to be me). i don't want to give an ultimatum, he says he is ready & we've looked at rings, but then it's been almost a year of him saying the same stuff & no actions now. is it going to happen or is he placating me till he is ready? i don't want to pressure him & end up with him resenting me for pushing it before he was ready, but i'm ready to take the next steps in life too. what is your bf's opinion on getting engaged soon? mine uses finances as an excuse, like houses & weddings are expensive... logical but not romantic. i love him & am committed & happy with him, so i relate to not wanting to walk away after all these years, but after a certain point what is best for us & smart to say enough, we don't seem to have a future? we can't stay in the same phase of life forever, it's time to grow & progress.

    we have done all of this as well! still live with our parents, have looked at rings (which is why i said i sat him down at the mall, it was like the third time he asked me to get my finger sized, just get me a ****ing ring and we can resize it for pete's sake!), he says he doesn't want to be engaged living at home, but...people need to have goals. i am not going to move out with someone ive been with for this long if we aren't engaged, it's retarded and a waste of my time. i'm so frustrated. i think im just gonna tell him i need some time not in this relationship and that i just don't want to be a gf anymore. i am not hating on him. but rationally, i need to do what is right for me.

    thanks everybody.

    :(
  • blacrasberri
    blacrasberri Posts: 102
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    I understand you completely. Like you I was in a long term relationship some time ago. Although he did propose, I ended up leaving him and moving on with my life. Y?? He was too much of a Mama's boy :grumble: While we were in the process of planning the wedding his Mother became more of a priority. He was the only child and his mother made him feel guilty that he was getting married :sad: :sad:

    Men understand your actions than your words. You have to do something different & drastic to get his attention. If he means well then he will pop the question. However, if you are all talk & no action then things will remain the same until u make a change
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
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    Is he goal-oriented in other areas of his life such as his education and/or career? Does he want the same kind of future as you (kids, house in the suburbs or whatever)? Are most of his friends married?

    none of his friends even have girlfriends! the 6 years i have been with him they have all stayed SINGLE. they just sit around and literally smoke pot all day.

    and my boyfriends only goal is to buy a house with me, which isn't going to ****ing happen, because i don't feel driven to live with someone who can't put a ring on my finger after all this time. argh.
  • Jenscan
    Jenscan Posts: 694 Member
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    Yeah, DO NOT buy a house with him!!! It sounds like he wants to move out of mommy's house and into yours. Nope. Nope. Nope.
  • ShoeDeahva
    ShoeDeahva Posts: 82 Member
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    6.5 years is a long time. However, many men aren't ready to marry until their late twenties or early thirties. Ask yourself what the rest of your relationship is like. If everything else is great, you may want to give him a few more years. If not, perhaps a Pros/Cons evaluation is in order. Good luck and I will be praying for you. :)
  • minskugga
    minskugga Posts: 5
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    I am single and I want to get married! I know if I was with my boyfriend that long and marriage wasn't even discussed as a possibility, I would be fed up too! But, if I love him and feel he is the one that I want to make a life with and he still hasn't proposed I wouldn't leave him because of that. That is just me though.

    That being said, I don't think you are being irrational for wanting what he hasn't given you yet. I hope he gives you what you want! Best of luck.
  • SenoraMacias
    SenoraMacias Posts: 305 Member
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    we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.

    Ok, that last sentence says it all. If you really mean that, this isn't "the one".
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    Well, no one can make the decision for you, but if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're ready to get married and it has become clear to you that he's not on the same page, then you have to end things. I know what you mean about the length of the relationship and how hard it is to leave. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 6 years before we broke up. It was really hard for me at first, mostly because he was my best friend and it was hard to separate that after we broke up. But in the end, it was the best decision for both of us. We knew marriage was not in the cards, and we had gotten too old (I was 27, he was 25) to keep wasting time just because our relationship was comfortable and familiar and we were scared to go back to the land of single people. And I must say, there is a lot to be said for that off-the-charts excitement of a budding relationship with a new guy.

    It's a leap of faith, but you have to do what's best for you. And I think you are totally right to take the approach that you are not going to propose to him. Politically incorrect as it may sound, that's his job, and if he really wanted to marry you, he'd snatch you up before you leave him and end up with someone else. Something to think about.
  • TiniTurtle
    TiniTurtle Posts: 595 Member
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    and my boyfriends only goal is to buy a house with me, which isn't going to ****ing happen, because i don't feel driven to live with someone who can't put a ring on my finger after all this time. argh.


    mine is focused on a house right now too :o/ my goal is once i'm more financially stable i'm going to do the same & tell him i need space to work on me for a while, move in with one of my girls or into my own place & if we are meant to be & have a future together then great, if not then it's going to hurt, but we'll find men who want a future with us. honestly, i'm thinking moving into a place without him would be enough to make him realize what he wants & if not, it's a distraction enough that i wouldn't be as much of a wreck as things ended as i would be in my parent's place. good luck girlie. we deserve the best ♥
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
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    and my boyfriends only goal is to buy a house with me, which isn't going to ****ing happen, because i don't feel driven to live with someone who can't put a ring on my finger after all this time. argh.


    mine is focused on a house right now too :o/ my goal is once i'm more financially stable i'm going to do the same & tell him i need space to work on me for a while, move in with one of my girls or into my own place & if we are meant to be & have a future together then great, if not then it's going to hurt, but we'll find men who want a future with us. honestly, i'm thinking moving into a place without him would be enough to make him realize what he wants & if not, it's a distraction enough that i wouldn't be as much of a wreck as things ended as i would be in my parent's place. good luck girlie. we deserve the best ♥

    thats how i feel too, he is all i know. i just moved to a new city also, with my dad and his new wife. so if broke up now i would be completely alone. i need more independence before i can jump i think.
  • bigdawg025
    bigdawg025 Posts: 774 Member
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like this dude has pretty much chosen his friends over you (and possibly pot as well... that's not part of the story... only a possible assumption from the information provided.)

    Either way... I think fly free is the way to go. 6.5 years is a LONG time... but double that and then it's half of your life practically. Something to think about...

    I hope you find peace and come to a decision that is best for YOU (not necessarily him).
  • legmotor
    legmotor Posts: 197 Member
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    I say move on. He is taking you for granted for not begging you to marry him in 6 years... I mean isn't that the point of getting engaged??? lol You are beautiful and smart, you say you are goal driven.. Find someone else who knows what goals are and can prioritize them. Good luck!
  • TiniTurtle
    TiniTurtle Posts: 595 Member
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    thats how i feel too, he is all i know. i just moved to a new city also, with my dad and his new wife. so if broke up now i would be completely alone. i need more independence before i can jump i think.

    besides we don't want to leave them, just want them to step up... :o( it's tough
  • datguy2011
    datguy2011 Posts: 477 Member
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    I think you have a tough choice ahead... if you are ready to settle down and he isn't the timing is off. Don't bother trying to CHANGE either of your timings, its too late at this point. Just move on.. live and learn... someone out there is ready to get married and settle down.. and I bet he's goal oriented as well!!!
  • AHealthierRhonda
    AHealthierRhonda Posts: 881 Member
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    We have 2 friends that have been together since high school, they are now in their very early 30's and finally got engaged last summer!!!!!!!! The young lady went through lots of ribbing from family, friends,.... and had her ups and downs with it as well. The guy just finally felt the time was really right for them and proposed. She stuck it out and the wedding is in August (so I need to get crackin' on the goal weight!!) Only you can answer this question. No one else can. Do some sole searching, talk to your BF, without accusing or giving ultimatums. See if he has a reason for not wanting to be engaged yet. When hubby and I were dating, we had been together for 4 years and I KNEW he was the one for me. All other relationships were ka-put after, on average, 4 months!! I had decided that if he didn't propose to me by the beginning of that new year, I was going to propose to him. I got lucky and he did the deed on my birthday, December 23!! After we were married, I had to work on the having kids thing as well. That took another year.
    You need to decide if he is worth the wait, if this is a make or break thing (if it's a break you need to start over and will have to wait for everything anyway!!!!)
  • SoCalSwimmerDude
    SoCalSwimmerDude Posts: 480 Member
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    29 year old married dude here. I was w/ my wife for about 4 yrs before we got married, but we both knew exactly what was going on and both had the same goals of getting married. We went about our "single" lives fully knowing that we'd eventually get married... she even bought a house that I helped her renovate, but we never lived together until we got married. I suppose our situation is different because she's British so we had VISA issues to be concerned with, etc.

    The fact that your b/f friend's don't even have g/f's is concerning since it doesn't seem to be an important facet of his life outside of you wanting it. I also don't believe in an ultimatum because you don't want to FORCE him into it either. Instead of him having to make a tough decision (get married or break up), it sounds like you need to make a tough decision (stay w/ him no matter what or break up).

    It's easy for us to say "kick him to the curb", but I honestly don't have a clue... I think you just have some serious decisions to make in the near future.
  • Serenitytoo
    Serenitytoo Posts: 449 Member
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    It is a difficult choice you have to make, but it is one that only you can make. :flowerforyou:

    I was in a similar situation a couple years ago. My now ex wasn't sure he wanted to get married and I was almost willing to give on that point, but he kept waffling on having kids. That was not something I was willing to compromise on so that ended up being the end of us. Eventually after 4.5 years, I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore. Looking back on it I wish I had seen it more clearly earlier on, but I don't think I was ready to take that step.

    Good luck in whatever you choose :flowerforyou:
  • Unbreakable360
    Unbreakable360 Posts: 127
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    ...don't know if there truly is ever and right answer for every situation is different...each individual is different...so what might be right for some...may not be right for you...all I can say is that life is messy and chaotic...we as individual human have always struggled to take control of things that we simply can not control...and in the process become frustrated with the results when it does not come out to the way we planned them...if he is worth the wait then you have your answer...love is patient...just make sure ultimately that is the direction he is heading too also...just not at the same pace...but one thing though...woman shouldn't have to lose that special moment of a proper proposal...so when you strong arm a guy in doing it...a peice of that extraodinary moment is lost....hope it all works out for you...you seem to be a strong woman...so whichever way...I'm sure in the end you will still end up firmly standing on you own two feet....
  • justsummie
    justsummie Posts: 320 Member
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    Is he goal-oriented in other areas of his life such as his education and/or career? Does he want the same kind of future as you (kids, house in the suburbs or whatever)? Are most of his friends married?

    none of his friends even have girlfriends! the 6 years i have been with him they have all stayed SINGLE. they just sit around and literally smoke pot all day.

    and my boyfriends only goal is to buy a house with me, which isn't going to ****ing happen, because i don't feel driven to live with someone who can't put a ring on my finger after all this time. argh.
    Seriously? That's not a good sign.

    So, do you live together with your parents or seperatly each with your own parents? Maybe you could try renting an apartment together and see how that goes. It would give you both a taste of "grown-up" living and all the responsiblity it entails without too much financial risk.
  • vmata1
    vmata1 Posts: 14
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    You need to be patient. He will do it in his own time when he is ready... you may not know it but he might have a surprise up his sleeve... you can't push it on guys or they well run away (I've been engaged twice and never married - thank god).

    Just keep in there. It will happen when the time is right and the more you force it, the less of a right time it will become. Focus on you and know that these things happen in due course. Just enjoy yourself and the moment cause sometimes that is all we have. Marriage, Babies and all that stuff happens eventually.

    Give your guy some slack. 6 years is a long time but a short time in the grand scheme of life.

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