not married

_Sally_

we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.

It's very sad when a relationship has run its course, but it seems like you're beating a dead horse. He has already verbalized it - with his actions.

If you want to be married with children, you need to find a man who also wants to be married with children. This may not be your current boyfriend, and you can't make him into what you need him to be.

If you both started dating around 18/19 years old, perhaps you are just growing up and are growing in different directions.

Wish him well, hold on to your good memories and see what the universe has in store for you. Don't waste your prime years in a relationship that no longer meets your needs.

You will be OK and you will flourish!

justsummie

its not the ring i want. it is the commitment. he wants to buy a house with me, but not rent an apartment. why on earth would i do that for someone that can't even tell me they want to be with me the rest of my life. after 6 years i just feel like you should know. and Ive been with him day in and day out so know how it would be to live with him, half of my things are at his parents place.

i need to look out for me, that doesn't belittle how much i love him. he is just comfortable and doesn't want to grow. i grow. and i don't want to be a girlfriend to him anymore.

I'm not looking to just get married. if we were to break up i would probably date for several years before even considering getting married again. but I've been with him for 6 years and know that i want to marry him. i don't see how it is rash on my part.

I'm sorry to sound matriarchal but spending a lot of time at each-other's place isn't the same as living together...especially when there are no parents around to pick up after him or remind him to do this or that. Does he at least pay his own bills (cell phone, car, etc)? I'd think twice about committing to a mortgage with someone who has NO experience of taking car of "grown-up" things. It's a lot harder than it looks...and it's not just the money part that's hard it's the self-discipline part too.

But speaking of mortgages...I'm pretty sure married couples usually get better rates when applying for loans....just a side note.

I totally get where you are coming from and feel for your situation but if I were in your shoes I'd need to see some serious progress from this guy in the next few months or I'd be out the door.

suzycreamcheese

i may be one of those people who you dismiss advice from because im not married, but i WAS married. Didnt stop him leaving me in the lurch with a child 9 years down the line. And my wonderful live in partner was married too, and his wife upped and left him after 6 years.
If marriage doesnt mean the same to your partner as it does to you, its a huge risk

emilymiesel

Its kind of disgusting ppl think of marriage as a piece of paper. Yeah you GET a piece of paper...your marriage license/certificate. But did it not go beyond that for you??!! I mean the VOWS that you took before one another or that you would take (if currently not married)... It's a promise you make to one another before God. Idk but I didn't disregard any part of my wedding ceremony. It's a serious thing. Beyond "titling" yourself or adding another paper to the filing cabinet...sheesh!

I think people use the whole "it's just a piece of paper" line because maybe their significant other won't marry them and it's their way of "dealing" with it. Then again there are people who don't take vows and religious things to heart/seriously. To each their own on that one.

I think it's awesome that you know what you want. From what you have said about your bf tho he seems like a loser. I'm sorry, but you have your crap together and he doesn't! If he hasn't even had some sort of a marriage or "our future" conversation then maybe he won't go there with you.

I met my husband when I was 16, we dated off and on for a couple years. I told him if he was serious about me that he needed to show it...i got my promise ring..Then stayed together for the next 3 1/2...he asked me to marry him and I got another ring. Granite we both wanted to get married we just both wanted to make sure timing was right and that we are ready for the big M... No more "I hate you and am leaving you" crap (example lol)..you're ONE and have to work **** out. Well I got SIck of some crap and decided to leave.. He cleaned up his act and everything is amazing! I also got another ring after that!! Love works in weird ways...

Maybe it would be a good idea for a little break. You do your thing and don't worry about him. Let him see what he had and you at the same time can see if you REALLY miss him. Not just miss but if you feel like you 100% need him with you in your life.. Trust me you will know

Sorry you're dealing with this!

suzycreamcheese

why is it somehow offensive to suggest your great relationship is about you two as people rather than the fact you had a ceremony?

Tankplanker

I really don't see the big deal with marriage if you are not religious, are you really saying that before you get married you would cheat and generally act disrespectfully to a long term partner? Is being married somehow going to make you a better person? You should be treating your partner with respect the moment you become exclusive.

Divorce means I can just walk away from you at any time for any reason and no longer have that commitment. Marriage doesn't stop you from cheating, being abusive or lazy, nor does it preclude you from not being a douche if you aren't married.

With the ease of divorce the only real life time commitment is kids, it takes a real scum bag to completely walk away from their kids and have no contact ever, no matter how bad their partner is.

Try living together for a period of time, if he isn't ready to grow up then you will find out real quick.

Sh1tsRainbows

we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.

im in the same situation..been with my bf for 10 years!!! he knows i want to marry him..he keeps saying hes not ready..we have 2 kids together..at times i feel like im good enough to have kids with but not marry?? every time i bring it up he gets so defensive and mad...i try not to bring it up much..but i love him we have a good relationship and i refuse to give him an ultimatium..of marry me or we are over...cause i dont want us to be over...so for the poeple saying just move on..after 6 years with your guy is that what you really want???

ItsCasey

I generally think people who belittle marriage have some pretty serious emotional problems. If you just don't want to get married, that's fine. It's not something anyone should do unless they are 100% committed to the idea of being legally and spiritually responsible for and accountable to another person (same thing with becoming a parent). But just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean you need to call it "only a piece of paper" or say that religion is the only reason for someone to get married or suggest that a person who does want to get married is only seeking to achieve a goal or self-fulfillment. And people who make a point of degrading the institution (rather than just silently accepting that an overwhelming majority of the world believes in marriage) typically have their own insecurities about it.

Elizabeth_C34

I generally think people who belittle marriage have some pretty serious emotional problems. If you just don't want to get married, that's fine. It's not something anyone should do unless they are 100% committed to the idea of being legally and spiritually responsible for and accountable to another person (same thing with becoming a parent). But just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean you need to call it "only a piece of paper" or say that religion is the only reason for someone to get married or suggest that a person who does want to get married is only seeking to achieve a goal or self-fulfillment. And people who make a point of degrading the institution (rather than just silently accepting that an overwhelming majority of the world believes in marriage) typically have their own insecurities about it.

I didn't think much of marriage until my late 20's because my parents changed girlfriends/boyfriends and spouses like they changed underwear. Thankfully, I had my grandparents on both sides as good examples of how a marriage can work or I'd probably still be thinking marriage was a joke. My husband had a lot to do with changing the way I thought about marriage also.

I agree with you that marriage is not for everyone, and that's fine. It's a deeply personal decision that everyone makes for themselves. I just wish people were more honest about that. If you want to be married, be married. If not, just be honest with your partner and deal with that.

Valtishia

I could be a multitude of things, depending on your/his personalities and beliefs.

He could genuinely not be interested in marriage, or not believe in it.

He may not see what he wants in a marriage in you.

Or... he may love you like crazy, know that you are a passionate romantic (like said in a previous post) and WANT to do it right!!!

My husband knowing that I absolutely love photography, planned to propose on a weekend he had invited some friends of ours that he knows I respect and love thier work (style is similiar to mine). His plan was to propose and have them catch the moment and emotions. Well, this didn't happen because he got laid off and couldn't finish paying for the ring. So instead, knowing Christmas is my favourite holiday and knowing how much of a geek I am shaking boxes like a child, he put my ring in a tin full of hersheys kisses so I wouldn't be able to guess and go crazy until then. It was a really sweet moment. The point is.. he took the time to make it special for me, because theoretically, its only really supposed to happen once in a lifetime right? He had been planning it for a year.

So, unless he became distant after that conversation, I wouldn't cut him loose just yet.

foxyforce

we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.

im in the same situation..been with my bf for 10 years!!! he knows i want to marry him..he keeps saying hes not ready..we have 2 kids together..at times i feel like im good enough to have kids with but not marry?? every time i bring it up he gets so defensive and mad...i try not to bring it up much..but i love him we have a good relationship and i refuse to give him an ultimatium..of marry me or we are over...cause i dont want us to be over...so for the poeple saying just move on..after 6 years with your guy is that what you really want???

you deserve to be married. my bf gets defensive too, like i'm attacking him when really i am just saying "dude, I (emphasis on the capital I!) want to get married"

i can't believe he had kids with you and won't marry you. what a ****bag. i'm not saying the relationship isn't good, but isn't it just so selfish?

foxyforce

I really don't see the big deal with marriage if you are not religious, are you really saying that before you get married you would cheat and generally act disrespectfully to a long term partner? Is being married somehow going to make you a better person? You should be treating your partner with respect the moment you become exclusive.

Divorce means I can just walk away from you at any time for any reason and no longer have that commitment. Marriage doesn't stop you from cheating, being abusive or lazy, nor does it preclude you from not being a douche if you aren't married.

With the ease of divorce the only real life time commitment is kids, it takes a real scum bag to completely walk away from their kids and have no contact ever, no matter how bad their partner is.

Try living together for a period of time, if he isn't ready to grow up then you will find out real quick.

i'm totally not religious. but i do believe in living and seizing everything this life has to offer. i want to do it with him. i want mutual goals, not singular goals like we currently have. i wanna be on a team with him forever...and i don't want to be married by a priest. and he definitely knows all of this.

foxyforce

So, unless he became distant after that conversation, I wouldn't cut him loose just yet.

i'm not planning on cutting him loose. and he hasn't become distant.

but i have done a lot of thinking.

i think i am just going to focus on me and move out on my own. if he wants to partner up and be on my team, then he will need to approach me about it.


p.s. everyone has literally been so helpful. this past few days have been emotional hell for me thinking of what i should or shouldn't do. thank you so much!!

nicolerah

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

foxyforce

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

see that always happens. guys seem to grow up so much when they get dumped. it like catalyses change because they can't be comfortable anymore. this is my theory. he probably didn't want to get ditched again so he settled down.

you desreved better!

nicolerah

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

see that always happens. guys seem to grow up so much when they get dumped. it like catalyses change because they can't be comfortable anymore. this is my theory. he probably didn't want to get ditched again so he settled down.

you desreved better!

Thanks I sure do!! (haven't found the "better" yet and at 36 I think I'm really running out of time! But anyways... you deserve better too!!

Tankplanker

I'm totally not religious. but i do believe in living and seizing everything this life has to offer. i want to do it with him. i want mutual goals, not singular goals like we currently have. i wanna be on a team with him forever...and i don't want to be married by a priest. and he definitely knows all of this.

I have all that with my partner of the last 18 years and we aren't married. We've lived together for 17 years in our own house, had kids for 10 years and always worked to a shared purpose. Marriage wouldn't change that or make it any different. Likewise marriage won't add commitment or a shared purpose that isn't already there, it's like getting pregnant by accident or "accident" and expecting the boy to become a responsible man overnight. There is just as much chance he'll bale as he'll step up.

TS65

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

see that always happens. guys seem to grow up so much when they get dumped. it like catalyses change because they can't be comfortable anymore. this is my theory. he probably didn't want to get ditched again so he settled down.

you desreved better!

Thanks I sure do!! (haven't found the "better" yet and at 36 I think I'm really running out of time! But anyways... you deserve better too!!

You're not running out of time. I didn't get married until I was 37. You got time yet!

One of my favorite sayings goes perfectly with this thread:

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!"

justsummie

I really don't see the big deal with marriage if you are not religious, are you really saying that before you get married you would cheat and generally act disrespectfully to a long term partner? Is being married somehow going to make you a better person? You should be treating your partner with respect the moment you become exclusive.

Divorce means I can just walk away from you at any time for any reason and no longer have that commitment. Marriage doesn't stop you from cheating, being abusive or lazy, nor does it preclude you from not being a douche if you aren't married.

With the ease of divorce the only real life time commitment is kids, it takes a real scum bag to completely walk away from their kids and have no contact ever, no matter how bad their partner is.

Try living together for a period of time, if he isn't ready to grow up then you will find out real quick.

Totally agree.

ItsCasey

If you have children with someone, live with them, and claim to love them and be committed to them but you won't marry them, you are a douche. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life, and anyone who stays with a person who refuses to marry them deserves whatever they get.

For all the "why get married when it won't change anything?" talk, I've never heard anyone answer the question of why NOT to get married. If you've got kids and you swear you love this person and want to be with them forever, what is your problem?

foxyforce

If you have children with someone, live with them, and claim to love them and be committed to them but you won't marry them, you are a douche. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life, and anyone who stays with a person who refuses to marry them deserves whatever they get.

For all the "why get married when it won't change anything?" talk, I've never heard anyone answer the question of why NOT to get married. If you've got kids and you swear you love this person and want to be with them forever, what is your problem?

.

suzycreamcheese

costs a lot, its a faff to organise, cant please both sides of the family, got other things that money could be spent on, just not that bothered about doing it, dont see it as a priority, happy with the way things are.


i *would* get married to my partner, and he *would* be happy to marry me, but neither of us feel particularly bothered or rushed about it
. In my circle of family in friends its just as common to have very happy healthy long term live in relationships as it is to get married.

foxyforce

costs a lot, its a faff to organise, cant please both sides of the family, got other things that money could be spent on, just not that bothered about doing it, dont see it as a priority, happy with the way things are.


i *would* get married to my partner, and he *would* be happy to marry me, but neither of us feel particularly bothered or rushed about it
. In my circle of family in friends its just as common to have very happy healthy long term live in relationships as it is to get married.

you're describing a wedding

not a marriage

i even said i could get eloped. i'm not particular about the thousand dollar dress or shoes, the hundreds of guests, the overpriced catering.

party in my backyard with a cute dress and the man i love. that would be a fantastic wedding.

suzycreamcheese

well yeah i guess, but then what ive already got is a marriage then. I just never had the weddingy party bit.

Actually i do often refer to him as my husband

foxyforce

well yeah i guess, but then what ive already got is a marriage then. I just never had the weddingy party bit.

Actually i do often refer to him as my husband

not really, a marriage is a contract and declaration of vows to yourself, your partner and others. its official.

That_Girl

My husband and I never wanted to get married. We'd seen enough bad marriages in our families and friends.

But, over coffee one morning, we decided to get married and 2 months later we were. We had lived together for over 2 years and just decided it would be good for us to get married.

It did change things. I can't explain it. Was I committed to him then? Yes. But taking those vows with him in front of our closest 20 people was simply amazing. It was the best day of my life and we live our vows daily.

justsummie

If you have children with someone, live with them, and claim to love them and be committed to them but you won't marry them, you are a douche. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life, and anyone who stays with a person who refuses to marry them deserves whatever they get.

For all the "why get married when it won't change anything?" talk, I've never heard anyone answer the question of why NOT to get married. If you've got kids and you swear you love this person and want to be with them forever, what is your problem?

I think that's a bit harsh. Marriage isn't for everyone. I'm a firm believer that you can be a loving and commited life-partner WITHOUT be married as long as both individuals are happy with it.

The problem here is that one person understandably wants to get married and the other is on the fence.

lizzybethclaire

Marriage is not a goal, it is you saying to God and the world that you will love, honor, and keep your partner until death do you part. It is not a goal to be accomplished like losing weight or getting your degree. You cannot put marriage and kids as goals on the timeline of your life. Each is ongoing and forever. Marriage has to be worked at because getting married does not make all your problems magically go away.

eeeekie

I was in the same situation 3 years ago. I was with my now ex for 6 years, we were talking Marriage and he said after the Holidays we would start planning for the following November. The holidays were nearly on the horizon and like any other girl I was bursting with excitement to start planning. His feet started to drag and it occurred to me that if he WANTED to marry me he wouldn't need to wait until after the Holidays, he wouldn't be dragging his feet, he wouldn't have waited 6 years. I realized that it was just better to end it. To be honest, right after the breakup for about 6 months I was fine, mostly because I knew he wanted me back and I was just living my life. Then I realized, that I still loved him and wanted him back. Only to have him turn it around on me and have him tell me he was no longer wanting to be with me. About 6 months later he got with someone else, within 3 months of that he knocked her up and within a few months after that baby was born he knocked her up again. I hadn't seen him since a month before our breakup (long distance) and I finally saw him last September after his father passed away and just broke down. I really thought seeing him wouldn't have an effect on me but it did. I miss him terribly and think of him daily and still have a great amount of love for him. I wish things were different...that's the hard part about breaking up with nothing BAD happening. If we ended on bad terms I probably wouldn't feel so much for him but we didn't, in fact I'm friends with him on Facebook and extremely close to his family. It is what it is...

Sometimes I wish I had waited and given him time but then I think...he was fine with the way our relationship was and probably wouldn't have changed it so I still would have been miserable.

Good luck with your decision whatever it may be.

previn84

First of all I haven't read every page of posts on this topic so forgive me if I give you a similar answer as someone else.
I, too, have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together on and off, mostly on for nearly 6 years. We actually got engaged about a year and half in, then we hit a really rough off time for about 6 months and once we got back together we still haven't gotten engaged again. During the previous engagment no date was ever set and no real plans were ever made. In the last year we have had a baby together, which was completely unexpected. At the time we had just gotten back together and were really trying to figure out if it was actually going to work out this time. The pregnancy brought us closer than we'd ever been before. But once my son came, it seemed to go downhill up until this last few weeks. He personally is a recovering alcoholic and has been into some legal trouble in his past. Again this is all behind us. But he still carried around a lot of baggage, which he realized and he blamed for his lack of commitment. He claimed that once he finally got his life back on track fully that he wouldn't feel guilty about me marrying into such a mess. To me though I just love him. I've been with him through some of the thickest of messes he's gotten himself into, and he's miraculously brought himself out of. I respect the man he is because of his work ethic, his humor, and now for his fatherhood. He's amazing to be around, and I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. I finally sat him down and told him that it was obvious that he didn't want any part of me and that it was pathetic of him to not even recognize my need for a marital commitment. He said he'd lost some interest, but never fell out of love. I told him straight up that it was his own fault because he'd become distant. I said that if he hadn't been investing into me and into the relationship why the hell would he want or expect anything out of it. He also has claimed for years now that we have so little in common, in which I point out to him all our similarities, and he proceeds to point out our differences. I finally told him he needed to realize how he's never going to find a duplicate of himself and that he either needed to find an appreciation for our differences and try to see how they help each of us be more complete people or he needed to stop dragging me along for this rollercoaster ride. There was a lot more discussion regarding some more personal issues involving our son as well, but obviously that woudn't really apply to you. But thing is, it took really pointing out to him how he was wasting everyone's time and energy before he actually decided to straighten up. Thing is, it took this long, and honestly I'm still not sure if his change in attitude will last. I still don't have a ring on my finger, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to be giving advice on the subject. But really I wanted to share how I do know where you're coming from in a way, and from me I don't think you're being irrational. But at this point and in your personal situation, you haven't got much to lose by ending the relationship except the last 6 and half years... but if you do choose to stick around, you have to determine too if you're willing to forfeit any more time for this guy. I think right now you're looking for reason to justify staying and you're having trouble yourself finding that much less getting it from anyone else. I do wish you luck. I know you have to love the guy, and I've been there, I am there. Hang in there and I hope all works out for YOUR best interest.