not married

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  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    I thought about this some more and I wanted to tell you, take control of the situation.

    Here you are, sitting around waiting for him to marry you. You are giving him the control of your life. You want to be married relatively soon and he knows this yet makes no effort to work towards that. I know how that feels.

    So, YOU be the one to decided what you will do. He isn't interested in marriage, so leave. You make it very easy for him NOT to marry you since you are always there anyway and he thinks you don't have the nerve to just pack up and go.

    Flip the script. Take a stand. Grow some, and just hold your head high.

    YOU write the story of your life...don't sit there waiting for things to happen or waiting for other people to make your choices for you.

    :smile: You'll be ok. Promise.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    You need to be patient. He will do it in his own time when he is ready... you may not know it but he might have a surprise up his sleeve... you can't push it on guys or they well run away (I've been engaged twice and never married - thank god).

    Just keep in there. It will happen when the time is right and the more you force it, the less of a right time it will become. Focus on you and know that these things happen in due course. Just enjoy yourself and the moment cause sometimes that is all we have. Marriage, Babies and all that stuff happens eventually.

    Give your guy some slack. 6 years is a long time but a short time in the grand scheme of life.

    I don't believe in this. I think guys use this as an excuse not to be pressured to talk about anything. If a guy runs away after 6 YEARS of dating when she brings up marriage, then please, let him run. I have known people that wait for years and years and then they are about 38 and not married and have no children. Sorry, that sucks for them and they know it.

    Do what you do, but know the control is yours :smile:
  • _beachgirl_
    _beachgirl_ Posts: 3,865 Member
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    You didn't say if it was a good realtionship otherwise. If the only thing wrong with the relationship is that he hasn't asked you to marry him, why fix what isn't broken? If that's your only complaint, then you need to ask yourself why you want to get married and if it is worth losing a healthy,loving, supportive relationship over this.
  • Ms_Natalie
    Ms_Natalie Posts: 1,030 Member
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    I think a good question to ask is this...

    would you miss him if you ended it now? Is an engagement more important than the relationship you have together?

    Don't regret any decisions you make...engagement is not "everything"

    My Hubby 2 Be and I were looking randomly at wedding venues and the next thing we knew...we had booked our wedding venue...even before he had proposed to me...it was a joint decision, although he had been telling me for years that he wanted to marry me. Just because I didn't jump at the chance of marrying him 3 years ago doesn't mean I didn't love him...and I hope you realise this too...maybe he's waiting for the right time. I wanted us to get a home together and start living life before wedding planning took over...we did this and are now getting married in 4.5 months.

    He proposed with a beautiful ring AFTER we had booked the wedding...yep, it was *kitten* backwards, but he proposed at the manor house we are getting married in. Things don't have to follow a certain "rule or path"...if it has been 6+ years then he obviously loves you...

    Have a browse through wedding venues with him and look at his response...don't do anything drastic...some men really aren't romantic...don't throw away something special just because it doesn't follow a certain social expectation.

    :flowerforyou:
  • LaPistolaSexola
    LaPistolaSexola Posts: 243 Member
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    i got married at 25. wish i would have waited. why the rush?
  • VanessaFaulkner
    VanessaFaulkner Posts: 36
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    Marriage is about relating to each other, working TOGETHER for goals, keeping each other put first. I hate to say it & I know its scary...but obviously you have expressed your wishes. Time to let go, heal, & find a person with similar goals. It isn't too much to ask for.
  • R_mageddon
    R_mageddon Posts: 68 Member
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    In my opinion 25 is the age to START thinking about marriage. Marriage is a big deal and should not be taken lightly or decided upon based on length of relationship. You are 25, the last 6.5 years have been growing and learning experiences for both of you. Now is the time to settle in and see, now that you've accomplished your goals you're even still right for each other. Keep in mind that often men mature differently. It may not mean that he DOESN'T want to marry but that he just is not ready for the gravity of the commitment yet.

    To many people get married because 'it's what you do' or because it's the next logical step in the relationship. Neither of things are reasons to make such a huge commitment.

    Leaving a marriage that wasn't right or worse, where your spouse feels resentment because he felt pressured into it, will be harder than what you're going through right now
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
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    Obviously he doesn't want to get married.

    He has no goals, and you have goals. Why are you with this loser again???

    Find a man who doesn't sit around smoking pot all day and actually shares your goals.

    The older you get, the more men who WANT to get married who will already be married. Next time reevaluate the relationship six months, and make sure you are dating someone who shares your goals.
  • DavidH85
    DavidH85 Posts: 19
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    Has anyone bothered to think of what it might be from his perspective as well? As a romantic and a gentleman, were I to propose to the love of my life, I would want the right setting, not just throw a ring at the woman and say "let's get hitched" unless you want a meaningless shotgun wedding. If you want the 5 minute marriage, go for it. Have ANY of you ever thought perhaps he might be trying to get some things in his own life sorted out first, like getting himself a better career, or better posotion in life itself, so you wont look back in however long and be asking "WHY did I marry him?!"
    I'm disappointed in all of you saying to just ditch the guy without knowing him or his thinking. For all any of you know, he might very well be planning and setting up for an amazing proposal that even others just happening to be around at the time will still remember for years to come. You don't know, so don't judge.

    As for some real sound advise, after some time, ask again, push a little if you feel you must for an answer, but don't push too hard or it's a good chance he'll leave you instead.
  • flgirlsteph
    flgirlsteph Posts: 125 Member
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    Dont get married it sucks!!!! lol
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    My sister-in-law has been with the same man for a decade. He refuses to commit, and her siblings (both younger and older) have married and started families of their own. She was bawling when we went gown shopping for me and is really being jerked around by her boyfriend.

    You have to make a decision. If marriage and family is important to you, move on and find someone who shares your goals. Don't get sucked into believing he's the only person you can love or can love you. There are millions of fish in the sea.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    Dont get married it sucks!!!! lol

    Sorry you feel this way. I hope you can find the joy in your marriage again.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    Has anyone bothered to think of what it might be from his perspective as well? As a romantic and a gentleman, were I to propose to the love of my life, I would want the right setting, not just throw a ring at the woman and say "let's get hitched" unless you want a meaningless shotgun wedding. If you want the 5 minute marriage, go for it. Have ANY of you ever thought perhaps he might be trying to get some things in his own life sorted out first, like getting himself a better career, or better posotion in life itself, so you wont look back in however long and be asking "WHY did I marry him?!"
    I'm disappointed in all of you saying to just ditch the guy without knowing him or his thinking. For all any of you know, he might very well be planning and setting up for an amazing proposal that even others just happening to be around at the time will still remember for years to come. You don't know, so don't judge.

    As for some real sound advise, after some time, ask again, push a little if you feel you must for an answer, but don't push too hard or it's a good chance he'll leave you instead.

    If he were mature enough to be waiting until his own life is in order, he'd be mature enough to sit down and have a grown-up conversation with her about that. We're talking about a guy whose friends are all single and, apparently, all potheads, AND he's still living at home with his parents. This does not sound like a guy who has marriage on the brain. Sounds more like a guy who isn't ready to let go of his youth and be a man.

    If she's at a point where she knows she's ready to get married, then she needs to dump this guy immediately. It's not about "Oh, you're only 25, you've got time, just be patient and wait for him." No. It's about what SHE wants for HER life. She has clearly spent enough time thinking about him and what HE wants. She has even explicitly told him that she's ready to get married, and he has responded by stalling.

    As my mom would say, this guys sounds like he needs a good leaving alone. When men lose something that's important to them, they have a way of finding their balls pretty quickly.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    As my mom would say, this guys sounds like he needs a good leaving alone. When men lose something that's important to them, they have a way of finding their balls pretty quickly.

    Even if he does "find his balls," the change won't be because he really wants to get married and have a family, but rather that he didn't want to lose his girlfriend. Marrying someone so they don't leave you is no reason to marry at all.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if he really loves her and the possibility of losing her becomes a reality, he'll get off the fence and buy her a ring. My sister's husband pulled this crap after 4 years of dating. She was ready to get married, he kept resisting, she dumped him, and he spent the next 2 years trying desperately to get her back before she finally relented. They got married shortly thereafter. She loved him and wanted to be with him, but she wasn't about to put her life on hold while he sat around trying to figure out what he wanted, and it took her leaving (and dating other people) for him to see that he wanted the same thing. If he had completely disappeared from her life, then she would've known he didn't want to be with her, and she could've closed the book on him and moved on. In either scenario, she was better off walking away than staying with a guy who refused to commit to her.

    Most men will resist the idea of marriage for as long as they can. If you hang around and keep giving them free milk (and I'm not just talking about sex), what incentive do they have to propose? None. Because they know you aren't going to leave. It's like a child who never gets punished for breaking the rules ... why would he ever follow the rules if he knows there are no consequences? Why would a man ever propose to you if you're going to stick around anyway?
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
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    sounds like youre not that into him tbh if youd consider leaving over a piece of paper, and thats more important than the love you have together.
    Not saying hes right either, because he knows marriage means a lot to you, but if someone was issuing me ultimatums like marry me or im leaving, id say they should leave.

    Id also be wary because you dont even know what its like to live with him yet and youre already p1ssed off.


    Ive been with my boyfriend 6 years, we have kids together. We will probably get married one day but theres no rush for either of us, and you can be damn sure our relationship is a lot more loving and commited than most peoples I see.

    marriage is just not the be all and end all for everyone. My mum has 3 failed marriages and a lovely healthy long term live in relationship now with her partner of over 10 years. My dad has a lovely long term non-married relationship of 15 years.

    Maybe your boyfriend just doesnt see it as that important, and it doesnt matter if you say if you dont want to then leave me, because if he loves you hes almost certainly not going to be the one to make that choice is he, but the fact you would, speaks volumes.
    Thats not a criticism, but you need to work out whtether its him you want, or just a ring on your finger.
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
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    Don't get sucked into believing he's the only person you can love or can love you. There are millions of fish in the sea.

    :( thats such a sad way of looking at love, and the sort of thing someone wouldnt say if they had met the one for them :(
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
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    its not the ring i want. it is the commitment. he wants to buy a house with me, but not rent an apartment. why on earth would i do that for someone that can't even tell me they want to be with me the rest of my life. after 6 years i just feel like you should know. and ive been with him day in and day out so know how it would be to live with him, half of my things are at his parents place.

    i need to look out for me, that doesn't belittle how much i love him. he is just comfortable and doesn't want to grow. i grow. and i don't want to be a girlfriend to him anymore.

    im not looking to just get married. if we were to break up i would probably date for several years before even considering getting married again. but ive been with him for 6 years and know that i want to marry him. i don't see how it is rash on my part.
    sounds like youre not that into him tbh if youd consider leaving over a piece of paper, and thats more important than the love you have together.
    Not saying hes right either, because he knows marriage means a lot to you, but if someone was issuing me ultimatums like marry me or im leaving, id say they should leave.

    Id also be wary because you dont even know what its like to live with him yet and youre already p1ssed off.


    Ive been with my boyfriend 6 years, we have kids together. We will probably get married one day but theres no rush for either of us, and you can be damn sure our relationship is a lot more loving and commited than most peoples I see.

    marriage is just not the be all and end all for everyone. My mum has 3 failed marriages and a lovely healthy long term live in relationship now with her partner of over 10 years. My dad has a lovely long term non-married relationship of 15 years.

    Maybe your boyfriend just doesnt see it as that important, and it doesnt matter if you say if you dont want to then leave me, because if he loves you hes almost certainly not going to be the one to make that choice is he, but the fact you would, speaks volumes.
    Thats not a criticism, but you need to work out whtether its him you want, or just a ring on your finger.
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
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    i definitely dont think its rash to want to marry him after 6 years. Not at all, just that if its not that important to him, and youd consider leaving him over that, then maybe its just not right for either of you x

    I dont think either of you are in the wrong. I just dont think it means he doesnt love you, but if thats not enough for you on its own, thats totally your prerogative. I just dont like the general consensus that if its not marriage, then its not a proper relationship or not commited.
    marriage doesnt stop someone from leaving you, or make a relationship stronger
  • kenzietea
    kenzietea Posts: 614 Member
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    First, do you want to get married for the right reasons, or do you want to get married just to be married?

    Secondly, you do need to have a very serious talk with him. If he gives a reasonable explanation as to why he isn't quite ready (possibly because he wants to take care of you and isn't quite established, making enough money, etc etc.) then back off a little and let it be known you don't care about his money or whatever insecurities he has preventing him from making that step.

    But, if he has nothing holding him back and just simply doesn't want to commit, move on. It won't be easy because 6 and a half years is a long time. But you should not have to wait anymore. He has no excuse at this point. If he loves you, he needs to commit. If he expects you to commit to buying a home together, moving in together, etc, he should give a commitment in return to.

    Maybe try couples therapy as well... Possibly this will give you some insight into if you are being irrational or if he is, and if you are compatible at all :)

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