not married
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To those that question loathesome's motivation to get married -- Doesn't matter. It's her wishes, ideals, whatever. I personally feel the same way. I love being married. I love being in a committed relationship with a person that shares the same goals and motiviations. It's a personal choice.
Her choice is not the issue here anyway. What is at issue is two people with different views on how their relationship should move forward.
To loathesome -- I don't believe anyone should ever compromise their beliefs. I don't believe you are going to get the magic answer you want. You already know the answer anyways. You are just finding it hard to implement the solution.
Truth is there are millions of guys out there willing to make the same commitments as you; you just can't see them right now because the guy in your life is blocking your view.
I was just venting, I don't need a magic answer...athough that might be nice lol
the responses were really great at first, then people started making up their own details, like it just being a piece of paper or just a goal
yes, it is a goal of mine, but i never planned it that way
if i get into another relationship, is my goal to get married? eventually, but i would just be dating people for the fun of dating.
six and a half years people! so many people are writing "i've been with this guy for 1.5 years and we get the same thing", no, i guarantee you don't! 6 and a half years of ME getting bothered to settle down...because people in my life know me. they know that i am capable of starting a family. it isn't just a piece of paper, it's growth!
cynics
lol0 -
. Its not just the next stage to perk up a relationship that youre already wondering if its actually going somewhere.
actually it really is the next stage.
he doesn't want to rent.
i won't buy a house.
and i am not gonna be some single mother. kudos to single moms, but i want a husband, i want kids, i want security and assurance.
i want to build goals with him. not by myself.
that doesn't mean i'm going to do all the cooking and cleaning and everything, like somebody else said. just because i know what i want out of life doesn't mean he needs a mom. lol0 -
It's time for a crazy sitcom plan! Select a date, pick out invitations, and start filling them out. Ask him who he's inviting. Insist he proposed while drunk!
Okay, that's not actually a good plan.0 -
It's time for a crazy sitcom plan! Select a date, pick out invitations, and start filling them out. Ask him who he's inviting. Insist he proposed while drunk!
Okay, that's not actually a good plan.
i like it0 -
Sounds like your growing up and apart,
I think you know the answer your looking for,
Your just trying to rationalize your feelings
trust me your 25 get on with your life before
you know it you will be 40.
I speak from experience.0 -
There are a lot of folks here with a very odd view of marriage.
Loathesome- ultimately it is your decision. Don‘t let people who are not married make you feel like you are wrong to want it or disrort your vision for your goals in life. To be married is a choice that is deeply personal. The great thing about life is that you can make it what you want if you try.
The man you choose to marry should have similar goals, be able to emotionally support you and visa versa, be responsible and mature about communication, and he should be someone you love and respect immensely. I don‘t care if certain other people think this mindset is cold or not. It takes all of this plus dedication to make a marriage last. Marriage is not a "living arrangement" or a "piece of paper." It also is not some happily ever after Cinderellla fantasy. It is a livelong commitment, and with the right person, it is the most wonderful joy. It takes work, and there are great times and bad along the way. Find someone who will share that journey with you and someone you can share that journey with too.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your desire to have that in your life. I had the priviledge of seeing my grandparents celebrate their 47th anniversary yesterday. It really made me realize what it is all about. They have something more than just love and romance. It is a much deeper love that I think only comes from sharing an entire life together. I hope to share that with my hubby someday, and I hope you do too.0 -
maybe he is waiting for the right time... If he did not want to marry you he would not go Ring shopping... he would just push it off... Maybe it is a financial thng, he wants to get you the ring that is just right for you.... you have set the line, now just be ready for the answer... hopefully it will work out for the best...0
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well,was with mine for 29 years....., when his ex wife died, i took on his teen age children. i covered for him when he was on tour, with gigs(he is a musician)brought them up, took the abuse i recieved from them, as their father really showed me no respect, and took the mickey out of me all the time, reducing my confidence, and making me feel insignificant. it took me another year to realise he had bee screwing around, and after 29 years i finally broke free from the emotional trauma of living in an abusive relationship!
i am still insecure, amd still unhappy with how i look, and feel insignificant most of the time....BUT, i know now, he would never marryme, i missed the chance to have children, as i needed ivf to concieve, and he would not have let me.
so, in answer to your question...find a guy that wants you, and wants what you want..cos you are to young to waste 29 years of your life like i did!!0 -
well,was with mine for 29 years....., when his ex wife died, i took on his teen age children. i covered for him when he was on tour, with gigs(he is a musician)brought them up, took the abuse i recieved from them, as their father really showed me no respect, and took the mickey out of me all the time, reducing my confidence, and making me feel insignificant. it took me another year to realise he had bee screwing around, and after 29 years i finally broke free from the emotional trauma of living in an abusive relationship!
i am still insecure, amd still unhappy with how i look, and feel insignificant most of the time....BUT, i know now, he would never marryme, i missed the chance to have children, as i needed ivf to concieve, and he would not have let me.
so, in answer to your question...find a guy that wants you, and wants what you want..cos you are to young to waste 29 years of your life like i did!!
*hugs* I wish you all the best
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For whatever it's worth, I think Elizabeth_C34 has some great advice and incredible insight. I would re-read her posts.
As for my 2 cents: I don't think either one of you is ready to get married right now. It sounds like you are looking for some stability, and the next step in your life to be completed, and since you have been with your bf for 6.5 yrs, "it's time".
He, certaintly, is not ready to get married yet, and if you coerce him somehow, he will resent you for the rest of your lives. Even if he says he's ready, he's not. He's still a child, living at home, hanging out with potheads. And you want to settle down, but you don't have a secure job, and are uncertain about what your future will bring.
I know you're getting it from so many directions, but I would say WAIT on marriage - to him, to anyone. Maybe if he isn't showing you the level of commitment you'd like, and you are concerned about where you two are headed, you should take a rest from it for a while. Let him grow up. Let you explore life - get a job, find some new friends, enjoy your 20s. If he snaps out of his little boy phase, and you are still pining over him, and he is you, you two will come back together, but as mature adults, who are BOTH ready and eager to start that next chapter in life.
Marriage in hard, even under the best of circumstances, and to live with someone for yrs and yrs and wish that you didn't, is a stage of Dante's Inferno. I know you've been with him for a long time, but now is not the time, imho.0 -
we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.
It's very sad when a relationship has run its course, but it seems like you're beating a dead horse. He has already verbalized it - with his actions.
If you want to be married with children, you need to find a man who also wants to be married with children. This may not be your current boyfriend, and you can't make him into what you need him to be.
If you both started dating around 18/19 years old, perhaps you are just growing up and are growing in different directions.
Wish him well, hold on to your good memories and see what the universe has in store for you. Don't waste your prime years in a relationship that no longer meets your needs.
You will be OK and you will flourish!0 -
its not the ring i want. it is the commitment. he wants to buy a house with me, but not rent an apartment. why on earth would i do that for someone that can't even tell me they want to be with me the rest of my life. after 6 years i just feel like you should know. and Ive been with him day in and day out so know how it would be to live with him, half of my things are at his parents place.
i need to look out for me, that doesn't belittle how much i love him. he is just comfortable and doesn't want to grow. i grow. and i don't want to be a girlfriend to him anymore.
I'm not looking to just get married. if we were to break up i would probably date for several years before even considering getting married again. but I've been with him for 6 years and know that i want to marry him. i don't see how it is rash on my part.
I'm sorry to sound matriarchal but spending a lot of time at each-other's place isn't the same as living together...especially when there are no parents around to pick up after him or remind him to do this or that. Does he at least pay his own bills (cell phone, car, etc)? I'd think twice about committing to a mortgage with someone who has NO experience of taking car of "grown-up" things. It's a lot harder than it looks...and it's not just the money part that's hard it's the self-discipline part too.
But speaking of mortgages...I'm pretty sure married couples usually get better rates when applying for loans....just a side note.
I totally get where you are coming from and feel for your situation but if I were in your shoes I'd need to see some serious progress from this guy in the next few months or I'd be out the door.0 -
i may be one of those people who you dismiss advice from because im not married, but i WAS married. Didnt stop him leaving me in the lurch with a child 9 years down the line. And my wonderful live in partner was married too, and his wife upped and left him after 6 years.
If marriage doesnt mean the same to your partner as it does to you, its a huge risk0 -
Its kind of disgusting ppl think of marriage as a piece of paper. Yeah you GET a piece of paper...your marriage license/certificate. But did it not go beyond that for you??!! I mean the VOWS that you took before one another or that you would take (if currently not married)... It's a promise you make to one another before God. Idk but I didn't disregard any part of my wedding ceremony. It's a serious thing. Beyond "titling" yourself or adding another paper to the filing cabinet...sheesh!
I think people use the whole "it's just a piece of paper" line because maybe their significant other won't marry them and it's their way of "dealing" with it. Then again there are people who don't take vows and religious things to heart/seriously. To each their own on that one.
I think it's awesome that you know what you want. From what you have said about your bf tho he seems like a loser. I'm sorry, but you have your crap together and he doesn't! If he hasn't even had some sort of a marriage or "our future" conversation then maybe he won't go there with you.
I met my husband when I was 16, we dated off and on for a couple years. I told him if he was serious about me that he needed to show it...i got my promise ring..Then stayed together for the next 3 1/2...he asked me to marry him and I got another ring. Granite we both wanted to get married we just both wanted to make sure timing was right and that we are ready for the big M... No more "I hate you and am leaving you" crap (example lol)..you're ONE and have to work **** out. Well I got SIck of some crap and decided to leave.. He cleaned up his act and everything is amazing! I also got another ring after that!! Love works in weird ways...
Maybe it would be a good idea for a little break. You do your thing and don't worry about him. Let him see what he had and you at the same time can see if you REALLY miss him. Not just miss but if you feel like you 100% need him with you in your life.. Trust me you will know
Sorry you're dealing with this!0 -
why is it somehow offensive to suggest your great relationship is about you two as people rather than the fact you had a ceremony?0
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I really don't see the big deal with marriage if you are not religious, are you really saying that before you get married you would cheat and generally act disrespectfully to a long term partner? Is being married somehow going to make you a better person? You should be treating your partner with respect the moment you become exclusive.
Divorce means I can just walk away from you at any time for any reason and no longer have that commitment. Marriage doesn't stop you from cheating, being abusive or lazy, nor does it preclude you from not being a douche if you aren't married.
With the ease of divorce the only real life time commitment is kids, it takes a real scum bag to completely walk away from their kids and have no contact ever, no matter how bad their partner is.
Try living together for a period of time, if he isn't ready to grow up then you will find out real quick.0 -
we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.
im in the same situation..been with my bf for 10 years!!! he knows i want to marry him..he keeps saying hes not ready..we have 2 kids together..at times i feel like im good enough to have kids with but not marry?? every time i bring it up he gets so defensive and mad...i try not to bring it up much..but i love him we have a good relationship and i refuse to give him an ultimatium..of marry me or we are over...cause i dont want us to be over...so for the poeple saying just move on..after 6 years with your guy is that what you really want???0 -
I generally think people who belittle marriage have some pretty serious emotional problems. If you just don't want to get married, that's fine. It's not something anyone should do unless they are 100% committed to the idea of being legally and spiritually responsible for and accountable to another person (same thing with becoming a parent). But just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean you need to call it "only a piece of paper" or say that religion is the only reason for someone to get married or suggest that a person who does want to get married is only seeking to achieve a goal or self-fulfillment. And people who make a point of degrading the institution (rather than just silently accepting that an overwhelming majority of the world believes in marriage) typically have their own insecurities about it.0
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I generally think people who belittle marriage have some pretty serious emotional problems. If you just don't want to get married, that's fine. It's not something anyone should do unless they are 100% committed to the idea of being legally and spiritually responsible for and accountable to another person (same thing with becoming a parent). But just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean you need to call it "only a piece of paper" or say that religion is the only reason for someone to get married or suggest that a person who does want to get married is only seeking to achieve a goal or self-fulfillment. And people who make a point of degrading the institution (rather than just silently accepting that an overwhelming majority of the world believes in marriage) typically have their own insecurities about it.
I didn't think much of marriage until my late 20's because my parents changed girlfriends/boyfriends and spouses like they changed underwear. Thankfully, I had my grandparents on both sides as good examples of how a marriage can work or I'd probably still be thinking marriage was a joke. My husband had a lot to do with changing the way I thought about marriage also.
I agree with you that marriage is not for everyone, and that's fine. It's a deeply personal decision that everyone makes for themselves. I just wish people were more honest about that. If you want to be married, be married. If not, just be honest with your partner and deal with that.0 -
I could be a multitude of things, depending on your/his personalities and beliefs.
He could genuinely not be interested in marriage, or not believe in it.
He may not see what he wants in a marriage in you.
Or... he may love you like crazy, know that you are a passionate romantic (like said in a previous post) and WANT to do it right!!!
My husband knowing that I absolutely love photography, planned to propose on a weekend he had invited some friends of ours that he knows I respect and love thier work (style is similiar to mine). His plan was to propose and have them catch the moment and emotions. Well, this didn't happen because he got laid off and couldn't finish paying for the ring. So instead, knowing Christmas is my favourite holiday and knowing how much of a geek I am shaking boxes like a child, he put my ring in a tin full of hersheys kisses so I wouldn't be able to guess and go crazy until then. It was a really sweet moment. The point is.. he took the time to make it special for me, because theoretically, its only really supposed to happen once in a lifetime right? He had been planning it for a year.
So, unless he became distant after that conversation, I wouldn't cut him loose just yet.0
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