not married
Replies
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well yeah i guess, but then what ive already got is a marriage then. I just never had the weddingy party bit.
Actually i do often refer to him as my husband
not really, a marriage is a contract and declaration of vows to yourself, your partner and others. its official.
and can easily be broken with no real penalties whenever you feel like it. people get married all the time, some barely knowing the other, some because they are infatuated, some because they just want to be married to someone or even because they just want a wedding and to have their special day. The divorce rates reflect this.
The most important vital part in a marriage, is the relationship itself and the love and commitment between two people in love. You can get that with or without a wedding.0 -
Wow, it's really funny how many people are so willing to make assumptions and judgements out of nowhere, like your boyfriend is a loser, or you're ready to grow up and he's not, saying that you will have to be the one to make all the decisions and provide for him, to say nothing of the assumptions about what 'growing up' means.
Now, I don't want to jump on the same boat in that regard, but if I were 25 and living with my parents, working a ****ty part-time job that barely covered gas and phone, I'd be pretty reticent about getting married, too. How could I feel good about that, while feeling like I was incapable of providing for my wife, or feeling like I was going nowhere and helpless to fix it? And it's not like you're any better off on that front, degree or no, if you're not working regularly and able to pay your own way. I would be scared ****less of piling on a bunch of financial responsibility for someone else before even being able to take care of myself or acquire a real job. As someone who has spent real time unemployed, I would be really afraid of letting you down, and failing as a husband. I would be afraid that moving in together with the both of you completely up in the air financially would wreck your relationship. I would be afraid of messing up one of the only stable and rewarding things in my life. I would stress out about not being able to afford even a mediocre ring, knowing how focused you've been on the whole marriage thing. Buying a house is comfortably off in the distance, where he doesn't have to feel stressed and inadequate about his current situation.
As for him being defensive about the subject, if he has been putting it off because of insecurity (financial or otherwise), that'd be a pretty natural reaction, since talking about it probably brings all those bad feelings to the surface, AND he'd probably be afraid to tell you about it (because insecurity is so incredibly unattractive). Heck, I'm an introspective guy with a strong spiritual side and I still have trouble talking about my insecurities and inner life with girls I've dated even at 32 years old. Doing it when I don't feel emotionally close and well-loved in the moment we're having the conversation, it's like pulling teeth at best. Heck, it's almost easier to write about and publish for the world than tell someone whose love I rely upon.
Anyway, that's the way I read it, though obviously I don't know you or him at all, and I could be way off base. As for advice, I'd recommend being vulnerable with him, and doing what it takes to listen without judgement. Beyond that, you're on your own. Follow your heart.
Incidentally, I do think it'd most likely be in your best interest for the two of you to get regular jobs and then move in together, in terms of goal-oriented priorities. Personally, I cannot imagine ever proposing to a woman I didn't already live with, but I also can't imagine not living with someone I'd dated for over 6 years, so YMMV. Good luck.0 -
we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.
Do you want to marry him just to be married or do you want to be with him? otherwise I would say life is going on and you need to go on too!0 -
Hmm, being older (37) and divorced twice, two kids, and now living with my boyfriend who I love dearly but who doesn't want to get married I can see both sides here a bit.
25 is young, and marriage shouldn't be something you 'hold out' for, as in that you won't live together or move out of your parents home until you are married, unless you are very religious and won't live together for those reasons.
Like some of the other posters, I think you should live on your own for a while, find a room-mate, get an apartment, be responsible for yourself and see how you feel after that. Just taking care of your own stuff is hard enough without having the stress of living with someone full time on top of it. Living together, while lovely, is also a very big learning curve, especially if you have never lived away from your parents (not counting college etc here as that is different). One step at a time!
Just because your man doesn't want to get married now, doesn't mean he is not the one for you! But be careful of your inner dialogue! If you say to yourself that he is useless because he won't get married/etc etc then eventually you will persuade yourself that he is and then nothing that he does, even proposing in the most romantic way possible will ever be good enough. If you talk yourself into thinking that he doesn't want to get married because *you* are not good enough or he is looking for someone better or he is too irresponsible there is no real way to go back from that way of thinking and you are probably better of seeking a new direction.
If you think it's important to be married for religious reasons/security/feeling loved and committed or you feel that he is the love of your life and this is how you want to 'seal' your bond to each other and he sees no point in any of those things then it can be very difficult/almost impossible to bridge that gap, even if you love each other dearly. However, without kids/a house to tie you together I don't think that you are in that situation yet. (Experience speaking here!)
Good luck with whatever you decide. Be careful of the inner voice!0 -
As the marriage ceremony means nothing to neither of us, for us it'd just be an expensive day with some friends and relatives that proves or changes nothing. We've discussed this many times and frankly large expensive wedding ceremony's disgust both of us as its so far from what a wedding should be.If you have children with someone, live with them, and claim to love them and be committed to them but you won't marry them, you are a douche. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life, and anyone who stays with a person who refuses to marry them deserves whatever they get.
For all the "why get married when it won't change anything?" talk, I've never heard anyone answer the question of why NOT to get married. If you've got kids and you swear you love this person and want to be with them forever, what is your problem?
Doesn't mean that the ceremony is meaningless to everybody just to us.
Oh and calling me a douche when you no nothing of what my partner wants is a pathetic attempt at making a point.0 -
Hmm, being older (37) and divorced twice, two kids, and now living with my boyfriend who I love dearly but who doesn't want to get married I can see both sides here a bit.
25 is young, and marriage shouldn't be something you 'hold out' for, as in that you won't live together or move out of your parents home until you are married, unless you are very religious and won't live together for those reasons.
Like some of the other posters, I think you should live on your own for a while, find a room-mate, get an apartment, be responsible for yourself and see how you feel after that. Just taking care of your own stuff is hard enough without having the stress of living with someone full time on top of it. Living together, while lovely, is also a very big learning curve, especially if you have never lived away from your parents (not counting college etc here as that is different). One step at a time!
Just because your man doesn't want to get married now, doesn't mean he is not the one for you! But be careful of your inner dialogue! If you say to yourself that he is useless because he won't get married/etc etc then eventually you will persuade yourself that he is and then nothing that he does, even proposing in the most romantic way possible will ever be good enough. If you talk yourself into thinking that he doesn't want to get married because *you* are not good enough or he is looking for someone better or he is too irresponsible there is no real way to go back from that way of thinking and you are probably better of seeking a new direction.
If you think it's important to be married for religious reasons/security/feeling loved and committed or you feel that he is the love of your life and this is how you want to 'seal' your bond to each other and he sees no point in any of those things then it can be very difficult/almost impossible to bridge that gap, even if you love each other dearly. However, without kids/a house to tie you together I don't think that you are in that situation yet. (Experience speaking here!)
Good luck with whatever you decide. Be careful of the inner voice!
i can't say enough how important THIS response was. I do get really irriated with him as the days go on, and he sees it.
I have been working on it. But honestly, I feel like he is just not listening, or just doesn't care! I have decided to move out on my own. I told him this and he said he really wants to come. So, I let him into that. I JUST found my fulltime job, so this is finally materializing. I have never lived on my own.
I also told him that I refuse to buy a house with him. This was his big thing forever. "Let's just buy a house". It is his excuse for living with his parents still. But it isn't mine. I was going to school, and he was waiting to buy a house with me. I told him though, no marriage, no house. "Why would I commit to a 25 year mortgage, $250000 debt for someone who won't marry me?". He has no answer. Whenever we have talked about moving out in the past few weeks I always catch him saying the word "house" and I have to tell him "you mean, APARTMENT". And then he just tries to play it off "yeah, house, home, apartment, same thing".
Yesterday, after accepting my job offer, I was discussing with him our price range, areas that we might want to move. And then we sit down to watch a movie. I somewhere mentioned apartment again, and he said "You want to get an apartment?" like I haven't been saying it for MONTHS. and then I said, "what about renting did you not get apartment from?" and he said
"Why don't we just get a condo for 180Gs!"
To that which I responded the marriage thing.
I don't know how to hit him over the head with it.
I can't dream with him, this is how it looks, and feels to me. If I can't dream, what is the point in living. Argh
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fyi: we got engaged on our jackpot anniversary!
this is the story i posted in another thread:
my partner brought me to a forest where we first met, on our anniversary to drink some beers. it was december 21st, snowy, and my heels were sinking (i didn't know we were going to a forest after dinner!). he told me to close my eyes and kept telling me how beautiful i was, so i knew it was coming! i could see flickering lights through my eyes and when he said open them i could see the ring box with led lights in it. one knee in the snow. love him! i said yes over and over and over again.
so excited and thrilled!0 -
Wow, so happy that it finally worked out and glad that the advice I gave was helpful. Good luck for your new life together!0
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First of all, don't settle for second best. And secondly, marriage isn't the be all, end all of life. I was with my husband for ten years before getting married. I only did it because of outside family and societal pressure. I didn't even want to be married and well let's just say it didn't end well. Do what makes you happy and if he isn't on board, then move along. Life is too short.0
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I might sound totally insane, but what's the big deal about getting married? From a very cynical way of view - it's a cerey expensive exercise, that does not give you any guarantee in life, so why do it? You could buy a car for the money you spend on your wedding. But obviously, this is a rather personal point of view. In my book, two can be happy together without being married, marriage would only be on the page because unfortunately the society I life in, still requires you to be married or in a registered partnership to give you certain rights :S0
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Has anyone bothered to think of what it might be from his perspective as well? As a romantic and a gentleman, were I to propose to the love of my life, I would want the right setting, not just throw a ring at the woman and say "let's get hitched" unless you want a meaningless shotgun wedding. If you want the 5 minute marriage, go for it. Have ANY of you ever thought perhaps he might be trying to get some things in his own life sorted out first, like getting himself a better career, or better posotion in life itself, so you wont look back in however long and be asking "WHY did I marry him?!"
I'm disappointed in all of you saying to just ditch the guy without knowing him or his thinking. For all any of you know, he might very well be planning and setting up for an amazing proposal that even others just happening to be around at the time will still remember for years to come. You don't know, so don't judge.
As for some real sound advise, after some time, ask again, push a little if you feel you must for an answer, but don't push too hard or it's a good chance he'll leave you instead.
I completely agree, sir.
I am 22 years old, and I have known my love for 6.5 years as well. We met in highschool and her and I grew up together. We shared all of our expierences and downfalls. She is my best friend and I lover her dearly. We are in the process of moving in together with a few roomates and this is where I hit my quadary. I cant afford the ring AND the place we're about to get... I have lots of issues with myself that I am working on. I want to make sure I am the best I can be before I get married. What is stopping me from proposing is the lack of money to get the effing ring.
But when I do, oh man when I do, she will be overwhelmed with the raw romanticism I have planned.
So in conclusion, like everyone else has said, give him some time and see what he says. Ask him about it lightly in the future. Few months maybe. You may be glad you waited. Also, I wouldnt attribute pot smoking to being a slacker. You can be just as productive and be a recreational pot smoker and still be goal orientated. That stigma is so annoying.
(I really hope she doesnt read this post)0 -
fyi: we got engaged on our jackpot anniversary!
this is the story i posted in another thread:
my partner brought me to a forest where we first met, on our anniversary to drink some beers. it was december 21st, snowy, and my heels were sinking (i didn't know we were going to a forest after dinner!). he told me to close my eyes and kept telling me how beautiful i was, so i knew it was coming! i could see flickering lights through my eyes and when he said open them i could see the ring box with led lights in it. one knee in the snow. love him! i said yes over and over and over again.
so excited and thrilled!
Hey, people. Quit arguing. She just told us she got engaged.
Congrats, OP. Sounds romantic! Love a good update0 -
fyi: we got engaged on our jackpot anniversary!
this is the story i posted in another thread:
my partner brought me to a forest where we first met, on our anniversary to drink some beers. it was december 21st, snowy, and my heels were sinking (i didn't know we were going to a forest after dinner!). he told me to close my eyes and kept telling me how beautiful i was, so i knew it was coming! i could see flickering lights through my eyes and when he said open them i could see the ring box with led lights in it. one knee in the snow. love him! i said yes over and over and over again.
so excited and thrilled!
Hey, people. Quit arguing. She just told us she got engaged.
Congrats, OP. Sounds romantic! Love a good update
thank you!!! i am happy with it.0 -
hold on.. you're engaged now? Within the three days you first posted?!
Wow! Congrats!
See!? You were worried about nothign! Maybe the thought of moving in with you sent some wheels spinning in his head like it did with me and my girl.0 -
hold on.. you're engaged now? Within the three days you first posted?!
Wow! Congrats!
See!? You were worried about nothign! Maybe the thought of moving in with you sent some wheels spinning in his head like it did with me and my girl.
Um, she first posted in June of LAST year.0 -
hold on.. you're engaged now? Within the three days you first posted?!
Wow! Congrats!
See!? You were worried about nothign! Maybe the thought of moving in with you sent some wheels spinning in his head like it did with me and my girl.
I think she originally posted in 20110 -
FFFFFFFFFUUUUU
THAT WAS STUPID XD XD XD
My bad my bad...
Enjoy your life!
>_> .......0 -
FFFFFFFFFUUUUU
THAT WAS STUPID XD XD XD
My bad my bad...
Enjoy your life!
>_> .......
thank you!!0
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