Friday Funnies - Add your joke here.
Replies
-
No. 1 Fire Fighter
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by
her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."0 -
The "F" Word
When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ***!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
and a drum roll please............!
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
Stephen Harper, December 20080 -
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one holding onto their "wee-wees" to
direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You
must be in the fourth grade."
He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race."
---0 -
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The widower, a little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
__________________0 -
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation
about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around,
and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
Bathurst1000, cricket, super models, favourite fast foods, guns, and
women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly.
"So...............You gonna follow the Leafs again this year?"0 -
Verne was teeing off from the men’s tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman’s tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: “Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball
and hit her in the temple, is that correct?”
Verne: “Yes, sir, that’s correct.”
Coroner: “Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her *kitten*.”
Verne: “Was it a Titleist 3?”
Coroner: “Yes, it was.”
Verne: “That was my mulligan!”0 -
Teacher has her grade two class telling stories that have a moral.
1. Billy says, the other night I made sure the incubator was turned on, during the night the power went out, so the moral is don't count your chickens until they hatch.
Teacher says, very good
2. Sarah says, yesterday I was bringing the eggs in to the house and I fell and dropped the basket and half the eggs smashed, so the moral is don't keep all your eggs in one basket.
Teacher says, perfect
3. Little Johnny says, when my Daddy was in the war he was surrounded by a dozen enemy soldiers, all he had was a bottle of whisky and five bullets. He drank the whisky, shot five of the soldiers and killed the other seven with his bare hands.
Teacher is stunned, she says that is a horrible story what could the moral possibly be.
Johnny says the moral of the story is DON'T FOOL AROUND WITH MY OLD MAN WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING!0 -
A Scotsman had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, and one day he sees a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft...
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a skin-tight wetsuit!
The bonnie wee lass strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar."
"Ten years," replied the amazed Scotsman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.. "Ach no," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how
great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Scotsman.
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary, Joseph and The Wee Donkey!!
Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?0 -
Dermatologist is seeing a female patient with a rash on her chest, he says "is it my imagination or is that rash in the shape of the letter H".
Girl says no it's an H, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and won't take his school sweater off when we have sex.
He gives her some cream and sends her on her way.
Next female patient has a rash in the shape of the letter Y, she says her boyfriend goes to Yale and won't take his sweater when they have sex.
He gives her some cream and send sher on her way.
Third female patient comes in with a rash in the shape of a W, Doctor says don't tell me your boyfriend goes to Washington State and won't take his sweater off when you have sex.
She says 'well your close but my girlfriend goes to Michigan"0 -
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending passing, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "**** Off, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."0 -
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the raccoon that it could be done.
__________________0 -
The Gorilla AND THE REDNECK
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00"0 -
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family
name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the
things I like most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'0 -
A guy sits down in a resturant and asks for the hot chilli.
The waitress says the guy next to you got the last bowl.
He looks over and sees the guy is finished his meal but the chilli bowl is still full.
He says are you going to eat that?
The other guy says no help your self.
He takes it and starts to eat it, when halfway down he his fork hits something.
He looks down and sees a dead mouse in it and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, that's about as far as i got as well.0 -
Three guys are about to start their round when a beautiful young lady approaches them and asks to join their group. They eagarly agree, and the four start off.
The sexy young woman is playing great, and the three men are quite astonished, and each spends the round flirting with her and giving advise every chance they get, trying to impress her.
Final hole, the beautiful woman ends up with a 30' putt. She turns to the men in the group and says "I"m having the best game of my life thanks to you guys. If I make this putt, it will be the first time I break par. Whoever gives me the best advise on how to sink this one to break par, I'll be so thrilled, I'll spend the rest of day with him making passionate love"
The first man steps behind the ball, gives a good look, and says "Medium speed, 2' break left to right"
The second man steps up, looks at the line and says "Fast roll, dead straight"
The third man doesn't move. Stares at the sexy young beauty, and says...
"Its a gimme."0 -
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> A carton of eggs,
> A quart of orange juice,
> A head of romaine lettuce,
> A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
> A 1 lb. package of bacon.
>
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
> out, a drunk
> standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front
> of the
> cashier.
>
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
> calmly stated,
> 'You must be single.'
>
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
> intrigued by the
> derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I
> looked at the six
> items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
> about my
> selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
> marital status.
>
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you
> know what, you're
> absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
>
> The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'0 -
After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
"Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they
twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor
stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and
thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut
out for this line of work.0 -
Charles wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's
Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Charles had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Charles sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of
the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
Darling! Love, T'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His daughter is also at the
table, eating.
Charles asks:
'Hey... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
'Confused, he asked his daughter, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?'
His daughter replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged
you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, 'Leave me alone b!%ch, I'm married!'
Broken Coffee Table
$239.99
Hot Breakfast
$4.20
Two Aspirin
$.38
Saying the right thing, at the
right time......priceless!!0 -
An armed balaclava clad robber bursts into a Royal Bank in
Cape Breton and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot one brave customer grabs the
balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Cape Breton gent,
looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think my wife may
have caught a glimpse ....'.0 -
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 392.9K Introduce Yourself
- 43.7K Getting Started
- 260.1K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.8K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 415 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.9K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.6K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.5K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions