Ready to Say I DO?

kit_katty

My ex and I lived together for 4 years. He never figured out whether he wanted kids or not (a deal breaker for me). Finally I said, I need an answer by X time ( he had a year). Never figured it out. I moved on. But living together made breaking up that much harder, the logistics are horrible. He'd also never proposed, even after all that time. He was just comfortable the way things were.

I doubt I'd ever live with someone before being engaged. Spend 24/7 at either place, sure! But never fully move in until there's a commitment. And I used to be firmly in the "you don't know them until you've lived with them" camp. Changed my mind. The hard way.

kandyjo

Why do you have to wait on him? Ask him to marry you!! It's 2011.... We've evolved enough for that :laugh: :laugh:

Me and mine were together for 7 months when he asked me... I told him "no" at first :huh: Didn't think I was ready for that level of commitment... But, ya know.. he was persistent LOL.... I finally said "yes" ... We have been married for 10 years (in Sept) and I can't imagine ever NOT being with him...

amycarol59

You always hear people say that marriage is nothing but a piece of paper and it's what's in your heart that matters, etc. etc. I am very happily married but I always felt that the previous statements were true...

Until last year when my friend passed away at 42 . My friend and her boyfriend were together for more than 12 years. She passed away of a stroke at a bridal shower. (Healthy as a horse, or so it seemed) Her family went crazy. At the funeral her bf was referred to over and over as "her friend", they never even mentioned his name! :noway: His two children were sitting in the front row by him and they were asked to move so that FAMILY could sit there... several of us put a stop to that and they remained seated in their places. They wanted to sell the house out from under him as his name was not on it (he paid the mortgage for those years though). All turned out ok in the end because they found her will. But it taught me that marriage is SOOOO much more than a piece of paper, it's protection for the one that you love:smooched: .

Good luck to you! I hope you get that ring!!!!

This is what will happen to my husbands mother she has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for over 32 years he just proposed or really just gave her a ring 3 yrs ago he told me to "do right by her" but at this point they are not married and she knows that when he dies she will get nothing. Not the land, the house NOTHING! His kids will come in and take it all and kick her to the curb. I had a "contract" marriage at one time where you each have and give 50/50 and that is exactly what it ended up in divorce court 50/50. I am with the love of my life now and we give 100% to our marriage. Evaluate your situation, how is your life now. Are you happy with how your life if there is anything you want to change marriage is not the answer. Best of luck to you.

macpatti

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

You do not need to live with someone and be with them 24/7 to really know them.

Gwendalyne

I think marriage is a wonderful union, and celebrating 5 happy years and look forward to more. I do think after 7 years, you have to have that conversation about what you want in life and if you want to be married. It's nothing wrong with telling the person what you expect from a relationship...It's not just him, but your feelings as well. If you want to be married and have children, and He doesn't you need to know now. Make the choice about what will make you happy and don't settle.

shadea4455

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

I absolutely agree, I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't lived with first. And, I don't think all the ladies here need a "wake up" call, either. Just because a couple has been together for a few years and is not yet engaged does not mean that the man has any commitment issues or doesn't want to get married, etc. I know in my situation, we were in high school when we started dating, then we went to college together, then he packed up and moved four hours away with me to support me in my dream to go to law school. If that is not true love, I don't know what is. He works incredibly hard to support both of us and doesn't want to get me some crappy ring. He talks about getting married just as often as I do and stops and looks at the rings when we pass the jewelers at the mall all the time asking which styles I like, etc. It bothers him just as much as it bothers me that we just can't take that step yet, but it's really not that big of a deal. We have a great life together, we love each other, we're best friends and we already are mutually committed, a ring is just a ring, it's just a symbol of what we already have.

stephevers1227

I think marriage is a wonderful union, and celebrating 5 happy years and look forward to more. I do think after 7 years, you have to have that conversation about what you want in life and if you want to be married. It's nothing wrong with telling the person what you expect from a relationship...It's not just him, but your feelings as well. If you want to be married and have children, and He doesn't you need to know now. Make the choice about what will make you happy and don't settle.

I agree with all of this. I think a serious discussion is in order...doesn't have to be an ultimatum. Just talk about what you want out of the future. If you are ready for commitment and he isn't...you need to decide how long you are willing to wait for that. Seven years is a long time already. Your time and life are precious...if marriage and children are important to you, you deserve some honesty.

ItsCasey

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

When it comes to marriage, this "day and age" is not any different than my grandparents' generation. It's the PEOPLE who are different. Nobody even knows the meaning of the word "commitment" anymore, let alone is willing to actually stand by it. You don't have to live with someone and be around that person 24/7 to know who they are. That's an excuse for shacking up and playing house without having to make a spiritual or legal commitment to another person. And if that's what you want, go for it. But that's not good enough for me. If that makes me crazy, I'll take it.

KimmieBrie

When someone is ready they will know it. Pressuring or forcing the issue may get you what you want temporarily - but ultimately if what you want is a forever lasting relationship - a real marriage, then it's worth waiting for. I caved into pressure from everyone (family, friends, him) and went through with my 1st marriage. Needless to say that was a mistake! But I was younger and weaker - I still feel guilty, like I should have held my ground because I take marriage seriously, and I curse myself for being so weak back then.

Some people, especially these days, just don't believe in marriage because divorce is so prevalent OR they believe in it so much that they will wait until they are absolute before committing because it actually is a lifelong commitment to them, not just a piece of paper which is really my opinion of how it should be.

I am against pressuring, but there is also no reason why you can't ask him instead of waiting for him to ask you. You may not get the answer you want, but you'll get an answer!

KimmieBrie

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

When it comes to marriage, this "day and age" is not any different than my grandparents' generation. It's the PEOPLE who are different. Nobody even knows the meaning of the word "commitment" anymore, let alone is willing to actually stand by it. You don't have to live with someone and be around that person 24/7 to know who they are. That's an excuse for shacking up and playing house without having to make a spiritual or legal commitment to another person. And if that's what you want, go for it. But that's not good enough for me. If that makes me crazy, I'll take it.

I wish more people were like you, including the younger dumber version of me

ladykaisa

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

When it comes to marriage, this "day and age" is not any different than my grandparents' generation. It's the PEOPLE who are different. Nobody even knows the meaning of the word "commitment" anymore, let alone is willing to actually stand by it. You don't have to live with someone and be around that person 24/7 to know who they are. That's an excuse for shacking up and playing house without having to make a spiritual or legal commitment to another person. And if that's what you want, go for it. But that's not good enough for me. If that makes me crazy, I'll take it.

My girl friend thought she knew her guy until they got engaged and moved in together... turns out he likes to beat women when he gets stressed. She found that one out the hard way. He put on a really pretty face for over a year.

Sh1tsRainbows

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I agree.... even though im in the same boat..11 yrs and 2 kids together, still no ring...but what else am i supposed to do, leave?? I refuse to give him an ultimatium cause i dont want him to make the "wrong" choice

Sh1tsRainbows

DP :drinker:

macpatti

When it comes to marriage, this "day and age" is not any different than my grandparents' generation. It's the PEOPLE who are different. Nobody even knows the meaning of the word "commitment" anymore, let alone is willing to actually stand by it. You don't have to live with someone and be around that person 24/7 to know who they are. That's an excuse for shacking up and playing house without having to make a spiritual or legal commitment to another person. And if that's what you want, go for it. But that's not good enough for me. If that makes me crazy, I'll take it.

You are awesome.

KEN1013

i have been with my husband for 13years:noway: ...but only been married for 4..age was a big part of our problem,,,we got together when i was 16,,,so didnt want to marry till like 25or so,,,so where you guys very young when you started to date ,,then if that is the case made start to start counting the years when you guys really new you where mature to handle the relationship....like you said when you guys moved in 3 years ago the marriage thing didnt come up:huh: ....also just me i know that since i started really caring about myself eatting rt and exercising i kind was kinda settling(low self-esteem)...now i dont take no mess from nobody,,,maybe this is what is bringing all this on ,,,YOU ARE STARTING TO SEE YOU DESERVE THE BEST:flowerforyou:

Amanda0325

The "talk" about our future is coming after the holidays... not an ultimatium but def a what is going on here lol

Amanda0325

i have been with my husband for 13years:noway: ...but only been married for 4..age was a big part of our problem,,,we got together when i was 16,,,so didnt want to marry till like 25or so,,,so where you guys very young when you started to date ,,then if that is the case made start to start counting the years when you guys really new you where mature to handle the relationship....like you said when you guys moved in 3 years ago the marriage thing didnt come up:huh: ....also just me i know that since i started really caring about myself eatting rt and exercising i kind was kinda settling(low self-esteem)...now i dont take no mess from nobody,,,maybe this is what is bringing all this on ,,,YOU ARE STARTING TO SEE YOU DESERVE THE BEST:flowerforyou:

i was 18 when we started dating he was 21... we both come from multiple divorce families.. etc i know i deserve the best and i should treat myself better

Sd0510

I have been engaged for about 2 and a half years, but we haven't talked about an actual wedding. I prefer it this way. Because:
1. It is extremely expensive and we don't have money to spend on that right now.
2. There are always family issues, and I wouldn't want to have a huge day planned to be ruined by a fight.
3. I hate being the center of attention, especially being how big I am right now.
4. I don't feel like we need to be married in order to be "together". A lot of unecessary time and money would be spent for something that just proves we have been together this whole time. I have an engagement ring, so in my mind, that shows I am tied to him, and our commitment to each other.

If we were ever to get married, I would either want it to be after I lose a lot of weight, or just him and I at a court house.

Another reason, my Grandmother said if we get married before I finish college, which will be in 5 more years, that I will be ruining my life. We already have a son together and have been together for a while, so I don't understand how a piece of paper saying we are together is going to change anything.

wriglucy

I was! I put my ring size all over the calendar so he knew I also sent him pictures of rings I liked

And...one year later, we were married

Our wedding was really small..but fun. Just family that came from WI to visit in FL. Got married in a public park (free), went to a restaurant for lunch (like $500), and then had a small cake at their hotel and had drinks and went swimming all afternoon. I had fun They all did too

Bentley2718

These posts make me want to cry. This is such a hard issue, in so many ways.

LavenderBouquet

I've been with my bf just over 7 years and I know we both want to get married, it's the whole "we're both in university and have no money" that's holding us back :laugh:

umachanxo

My fiance asked me last February! Wedding date is set for April 28 ^^

Best advice for ladies waiting for a ring is DO NOT PRESSURE about it. Make sure he is 100% ready to commit, and don't make him feel like he HAS to ask you asap. ^^

Alacey88

lol yes this is me!! We've been together for 7 years as well, but we decided not to get engaged until after I graduate from grad school because I'm not working so he pays ALL our bills and everything, so we are on a very tight budget and he cannot afford the ring he wants right now. I just have to remind myself that it's just a ring, I mean we already live together and everything and I know we're going to get married, I just have to be patient, sighh... haha but it drives me CRAZY when I see all my friends getting engaged/married and I'm like damn you've known him for like a month and I've been with my man for 7 years, I want my ring!! lol but I just have to remember patience...

This is me too!!! But I already seen the ring.... by accident.... haha but He is waiting for us to be financial ready and for me to get out of school... that 1.5 years from now....

wriglucy

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

I agree somewhat with this. I was in a long distance relationship after dating in the same city for like 7 months. Then, he moved and after 2 years I was able to move in with him. We had talked about marriage, and I'm not one to wait if I want something. BUT...that being said, if I hadn't lived with him, I never would have known he was abusive. I could have gotten stuck in a marriage and a divorce by age 25 if I hadn't lived with him to learn what he was truly like.

I know everyone has their own opinions and experiences, but this in mine.

Good luck to all!

hefinator

Have you had any sort of talk about marriage with him? my boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years and have talked about marriage and having a family. We decided over a year ago that there is no other person out there for us, that we want to spend our lives together, no matter what. He hasn't proposed, but He also knows I want a child before i'm 30, and that I would like to be married before I have kids (i'll be 28 in 3 months!) right now, i'm just trying to be patient - especially since I've heard whispering that he already bought a ring!!

monocot

I've been with my Boyfriend for 8 years. We do not live together. We love each other very dearly. We've had the marriage talk.....

voluptas63

I was with a guy for 5 years... we talked marriage all the time but when push came to shove, he never really wanted to do it. He still lived at home and really needed to get his life together before I'd even consider it. And no, we didn't live together and no, I didn't EVER feel the need to live with him to know that I didn't want to marry him in the current state that he was in. If you pay attention to the man you're dating, you'll learn everything you need to know about him. You do not have to live with him.


Anyways.

The guy I'm currently with, I've been with for over a year. We're very happily unmarried:) But I would marry him in a heartbeat and I intend on never living with him without being married. My fear is he's been married before and he never wants to get married again. He's said it before to me and I hope it's not true but rather just residue from the divorce (It was finalized in June 2011). But truth be told, he hasn't said it in over 6 months. So here's to hoping. But I'm not waiting around forever.

Keenasgettingfitnhealthy

I think I'm pretty Lucky. I've known my man for just over 4.5years. We moved in together after a year (with a room mate to). Eventually it was just us. Last year we got engaged (very romantically might I add) after only about 6months of talking about it. He tried to as my father after our first year of living together (but dad just blocked it - I'm his little girl!!!) So eventually he just asked. I couldn't be happier! We now have a 14month old boy and our wedding date is all picked (2017) but I'm fine with a long engagement - gives us time to save. (He would marry me tomorrow if we could afford it)

Maybe just bring it up, let him know your thinking about it seriously. No pressure though - if he's not ready it wont work. xxx good luck =D

Sd0510

My fiance asked me last February! Wedding date is set for April 28 ^^

Best advice for ladies waiting for a ring is DO NOT PRESSURE about it. Make sure he is 100% ready to commit, and don't make him feel like he HAS to ask you asap. ^^

Congrats!! That is my birthday btw, so great choice of day!

sarahnicole218

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

I agree with him. I lived with my husband before we got engaged. There were some struggles, but we worked a lot out prior to the engagement! It was wonderful We were together 6 years when we got engaged. Good luck to you, I hope you get the answers (or question I guess) you are looking for!