Ready to Say I DO?

Faintgreeneyes

My Bf and I have been together 9 1/2 years. We have had the discussion about marriage, and both want to be married. Money has been tight, and he has been saving up for a ring. I have gotten to the point where, the ring itself is not important. I don;t care if its realy or fake, lets just get this show on the road.

I did tell him a couple years ago that he had until our 10 year anniversary. if we weren;t engaged or married by then, then we need to re-evaluate our relationship and where its going. We do not live together, as I told him I would not until we were engaged and planning a wedding.

I hope that you get a ring soon, as i know how it feels to be waiting for something you want.

NightOwl1

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

Secret_Agent_007

I'm quite comfortable with my bachelorhoodism. Plus my gf has perfect credit and mine is the worst. So we may never technically get married. But she already had one wedding and marriage, so I'm off the hook.

After one bad break up I nearly got the word NEVER tattooed around my ring finger...

I hear ya. Trust me when I say, not all women are the same. Thankfully!!!!

I'm suprised a certain someone hasn't posted in here yet.

monroe61

Me and my husband were together for 3 years before he proposed then another year before we were married and now we have been married for 6 years together for 10 and we lived with each other for 2 years before even getting engaged!

I couldn't imagine even thinking about marrying someone that I didn't live with full time before hand...Sometimes there are just things you can not get over or "live" with.

Either way good luck to you and I hope that you get your ring or figure out if that is what is good for your relationship.

skittybang

What's great about getting older is our ability to set aside the insecurities in our relationships and just be blunt - you need to have the conversation with him. He needs to know what you feel about marriage and hopefully he reciprocates. You also don't want to pressure him into "popping the question" when he's not ready. That resentment can be a slippery slope in a marriage. I hope you two come to a consensus about the rest of your lives. :bigsmile:

NiciS72

The one thing I don't see on here is if you've had a discussion with him about marriage? Does he even WANT to get married. Have you discussed the two of you getting married and what was his reaction? I agree in part with those that say don't move in until you at least have a ring. That said, I did just the opposite. HOWEVER, we had already discussed marriage and knew that it was in our future. Much to my surprise he already had the ring bought and he asked me to marry him 2 weeks after he moved in. That was 14 years ago and we've been married for 13. If you haven't had the conversation you really need to have it with him. Figure out where he stands on the issue and let him know where you are at. Make your decision to stay/go after that.

Secret_Agent_007

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

The opposite side of this coin is my advice. NEVER, EVER CONSIDER MARRYING SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER LIVED WITH !!!! I can't stress this enough. Marriage is the single biggest decision that can make or break the rest of your life. DON"T make the wrong choice or get "forced" into marriage b/c you will end up hating both of you for f*ckin this decision up.

GetFitE

I haven't been with my boyfriend nearly as long as some of you all have been, but I talk to my boyfriend about marriage all the time. He told me recently that what holds him back is how MUCH I talk about it. It just becomes a pest & makes him feel like I'm rushing everything. He feels if he proposed now it would ruin the element of surprise and make the proposal a lot less romantic and special because I'm anticipating it coming. He wants to marry me and he too can't wait to make me his wife, but he doesn't want to be pressured to do it...he wants to plan it on his own time. Do you talk about it TOO much with your boyfriend? Maybe he feels like my guy? I'm learning to be patient and to shut up about it... and with some time after I've stopped talking about it all, he'll get down on one knee and propose.

ladykaisa

Anyone here been with your bf/gf/significant other for an extended period of time and ready for that question?! Will be together with my bf for 7 years in March and I'm dying for a ring... but don't know if it is anywhere in sight for the near future lol..

I proposed to my boyfriend, because quite frankly, I wanted to marry him. He still has the choice of saying no, as any man does, same as a woman has the choice to say no when asked. He said yes. We knew we're going to be together, but I wanted the frilly girl day. And he made his choice that he'd be ok with letting me wear a dress the side of a small Texan city.

Have you talked to him about a ring? Have you talked to him about a life together? I mean, if you haven't expressed your desire to marry him, or file for common law status even, then you don't really know where he stands. I'd say have the talk... and if he wants you for the rest of his life, who says you can't be the big girl and ask him?

Amy

ladykaisa

I haven't been with my boyfriend nearly as long as some of you all have been, but I talk to my boyfriend about marriage all the time. He told me recently that what holds him back is how MUCH I talk about it. It just becomes a pest & makes him feel like I'm rushing everything. He feels if he proposed now it would ruin the element of surprise and make the proposal a lot less romantic and special because I'm anticipating it coming. He wants to marry me and he too can't wait to make me his wife, but he doesn't want to be pressured to do it...he wants to plan it on his own time. Do you talk about it TOO much with your boyfriend? Maybe he feels like my guy? I'm learning to be patient and to shut up about it... and with some time after I've stopped talking about it all, he'll get down on one knee and propose.

THIS is the reason I proposed to my guy He was the same... and I had a hard time of letting it go, so I took charge LOL

Amy

kit_katty

My ex and I lived together for 4 years. He never figured out whether he wanted kids or not (a deal breaker for me). Finally I said, I need an answer by X time ( he had a year). Never figured it out. I moved on. But living together made breaking up that much harder, the logistics are horrible. He'd also never proposed, even after all that time. He was just comfortable the way things were.

I doubt I'd ever live with someone before being engaged. Spend 24/7 at either place, sure! But never fully move in until there's a commitment. And I used to be firmly in the "you don't know them until you've lived with them" camp. Changed my mind. The hard way.

kandyjo

Why do you have to wait on him? Ask him to marry you!! It's 2011.... We've evolved enough for that :laugh: :laugh:

Me and mine were together for 7 months when he asked me... I told him "no" at first :huh: Didn't think I was ready for that level of commitment... But, ya know.. he was persistent LOL.... I finally said "yes" ... We have been married for 10 years (in Sept) and I can't imagine ever NOT being with him...

amycarol59

You always hear people say that marriage is nothing but a piece of paper and it's what's in your heart that matters, etc. etc. I am very happily married but I always felt that the previous statements were true...

Until last year when my friend passed away at 42 . My friend and her boyfriend were together for more than 12 years. She passed away of a stroke at a bridal shower. (Healthy as a horse, or so it seemed) Her family went crazy. At the funeral her bf was referred to over and over as "her friend", they never even mentioned his name! :noway: His two children were sitting in the front row by him and they were asked to move so that FAMILY could sit there... several of us put a stop to that and they remained seated in their places. They wanted to sell the house out from under him as his name was not on it (he paid the mortgage for those years though). All turned out ok in the end because they found her will. But it taught me that marriage is SOOOO much more than a piece of paper, it's protection for the one that you love:smooched: .

Good luck to you! I hope you get that ring!!!!

This is what will happen to my husbands mother she has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for over 32 years he just proposed or really just gave her a ring 3 yrs ago he told me to "do right by her" but at this point they are not married and she knows that when he dies she will get nothing. Not the land, the house NOTHING! His kids will come in and take it all and kick her to the curb. I had a "contract" marriage at one time where you each have and give 50/50 and that is exactly what it ended up in divorce court 50/50. I am with the love of my life now and we give 100% to our marriage. Evaluate your situation, how is your life now. Are you happy with how your life if there is anything you want to change marriage is not the answer. Best of luck to you.

macpatti

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

You do not need to live with someone and be with them 24/7 to really know them.

Gwendalyne

I think marriage is a wonderful union, and celebrating 5 happy years and look forward to more. I do think after 7 years, you have to have that conversation about what you want in life and if you want to be married. It's nothing wrong with telling the person what you expect from a relationship...It's not just him, but your feelings as well. If you want to be married and have children, and He doesn't you need to know now. Make the choice about what will make you happy and don't settle.

shadea4455

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

I absolutely agree, I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't lived with first. And, I don't think all the ladies here need a "wake up" call, either. Just because a couple has been together for a few years and is not yet engaged does not mean that the man has any commitment issues or doesn't want to get married, etc. I know in my situation, we were in high school when we started dating, then we went to college together, then he packed up and moved four hours away with me to support me in my dream to go to law school. If that is not true love, I don't know what is. He works incredibly hard to support both of us and doesn't want to get me some crappy ring. He talks about getting married just as often as I do and stops and looks at the rings when we pass the jewelers at the mall all the time asking which styles I like, etc. It bothers him just as much as it bothers me that we just can't take that step yet, but it's really not that big of a deal. We have a great life together, we love each other, we're best friends and we already are mutually committed, a ring is just a ring, it's just a symbol of what we already have.

stephevers1227

I think marriage is a wonderful union, and celebrating 5 happy years and look forward to more. I do think after 7 years, you have to have that conversation about what you want in life and if you want to be married. It's nothing wrong with telling the person what you expect from a relationship...It's not just him, but your feelings as well. If you want to be married and have children, and He doesn't you need to know now. Make the choice about what will make you happy and don't settle.

I agree with all of this. I think a serious discussion is in order...doesn't have to be an ultimatum. Just talk about what you want out of the future. If you are ready for commitment and he isn't...you need to decide how long you are willing to wait for that. Seven years is a long time already. Your time and life are precious...if marriage and children are important to you, you deserve some honesty.

ItsCasey

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

When it comes to marriage, this "day and age" is not any different than my grandparents' generation. It's the PEOPLE who are different. Nobody even knows the meaning of the word "commitment" anymore, let alone is willing to actually stand by it. You don't have to live with someone and be around that person 24/7 to know who they are. That's an excuse for shacking up and playing house without having to make a spiritual or legal commitment to another person. And if that's what you want, go for it. But that's not good enough for me. If that makes me crazy, I'll take it.

KimmieBrie

When someone is ready they will know it. Pressuring or forcing the issue may get you what you want temporarily - but ultimately if what you want is a forever lasting relationship - a real marriage, then it's worth waiting for. I caved into pressure from everyone (family, friends, him) and went through with my 1st marriage. Needless to say that was a mistake! But I was younger and weaker - I still feel guilty, like I should have held my ground because I take marriage seriously, and I curse myself for being so weak back then.

Some people, especially these days, just don't believe in marriage because divorce is so prevalent OR they believe in it so much that they will wait until they are absolute before committing because it actually is a lifelong commitment to them, not just a piece of paper which is really my opinion of how it should be.

I am against pressuring, but there is also no reason why you can't ask him instead of waiting for him to ask you. You may not get the answer you want, but you'll get an answer!

KimmieBrie

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

When it comes to marriage, this "day and age" is not any different than my grandparents' generation. It's the PEOPLE who are different. Nobody even knows the meaning of the word "commitment" anymore, let alone is willing to actually stand by it. You don't have to live with someone and be around that person 24/7 to know who they are. That's an excuse for shacking up and playing house without having to make a spiritual or legal commitment to another person. And if that's what you want, go for it. But that's not good enough for me. If that makes me crazy, I'll take it.

I wish more people were like you, including the younger dumber version of me