Ready to Say I DO?

Pollywog39

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.


Wake up, ladies.

Well, sometimes it's the LADY! My daughter has been engaged for about 10 years - been with this guy for 12 - and SHE is the one reluctant to marry! They have a 4-yr-old son, they live together, they seem like they're just fine together........but when I bring up marriage to her, she gives me the business and will NOT explain!!!

So................it's a Mom's worry, and I don't necessarily like this arrangement, but it's her life, and she has control (obviously, as he'd marry her tomorrow!!)

:grumble: :grumble: :grumble: :grumble:

Articeluvsmemphis

Hope you guys get hitched

7yrs. is quite a long time. surely you've talked about it ?

heresmyinsidevoice

The whole idea of marriage - I don't know. It's a pretty pretentious idea to me. It doesn't take any commitment to slap a couple rings on and sign a piece of paper. Having children with someone, does. And I'm real *kitten* at picking 'em. I think I've quit while I'm ahead. Also, that whole saying that men say, you know, "Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free?" - frankly enough, I believe I am now part of the, "Why buy a whole pig when all you want is a little sausage?" club.

maab_connor

Here's a novel idea - why aren't you asking him? Why haven't you had this conversation before? Maybe he never wants to get married in general, so that would be something worth noting, especially if marriage is something you want.

I just don't understand this idea that women have to wait around for an effing ring. If YOU want to get married, then ask HIM about it. And I find it even more crazy that so many people choose to get married because of "timing". "Oh, we've been together for X amount of years it must be time." "Oh I'm almost 30, it must be time."

This is coming from someone who has been with someone for nearly 7 years. We are happy and I knew early on that neither one of us would want to get married for quite a long time, if ever (in general, not just with one another). After a couple years, I would assume adults would have had that conversation at some point. I don't believe in the idea that "Oh if he hasn't asked you yet, he's an *kitten*!!" You're an adult too, you should have had the conversation a few years ago, especially before moving in together.

ETA: And why is there the assumption that everyone in the world wants to get married anyway if they get into a relationship? And yes, I find it insulting that people, especially women, assume that if you've been with someone for a few years you're an idiot if he hasn't asked you to marry him. Give me a break. I have other more important and interesting things going on in my life than sitting around hoping for a damn ring someday.

THIS!

one: unless you have some religious preferance otherwise, or need the tax break, i don't see a reason to get married. it's not "more permanent" it's not "harder to leave" it's not "deeper commitment" it's a legal contract. plain and simple.

and two: if you feel like you NEED to get married, then why wait for him to ask? it is 2011, nearly 2012, and the sexual revolution was 40 years ago.

sarahkatara

Anyone here been with your bf/gf/significant other for an extended period of time and ready for that question?! Will be together with my bf for 7 years in March and I'm dying for a ring... but don't know if it is anywhere in sight for the near future lol..

definitely talk with each other explicitly about it. my fiancee and i were together about 15 months when he popped the question. we're having a long engagement obviously (which i didn't want but he does). the "when" question has created a lot of tension between us and it sounds like you need to have that discussion before it gets to a point where you resent him or vice-versa.
good luck!

mkmacf

Totally agree!

_GlaDOS_

Here's a novel idea - why aren't you asking him? Why haven't you had this conversation before? Maybe he never wants to get married in general, so that would be something worth noting, especially if marriage is something you want.

I just don't understand this idea that women have to wait around for an effing ring. If YOU want to get married, then ask HIM about it. And I find it even more crazy that so many people choose to get married because of "timing". "Oh, we've been together for X amount of years it must be time." "Oh I'm almost 30, it must be time."

This is coming from someone who has been with someone for nearly 7 years. We are happy and I knew early on that neither one of us would want to get married for quite a long time, if ever (in general, not just with one another). After a couple years, I would assume adults would have had that conversation at some point. I don't believe in the idea that "Oh if he hasn't asked you yet, he's an *kitten*!!" You're an adult too, you should have had the conversation a few years ago, especially before moving in together.

ETA: And why is there the assumption that everyone in the world wants to get married anyway if they get into a relationship? And yes, I find it insulting that people, especially women, assume that if you've been with someone for a few years you're an idiot if he hasn't asked you to marry him. Give me a break. I have other more important and interesting things going on in my life than sitting around hoping for a damn ring someday.

THIS!

one: unless you have some religious preferance otherwise, or need the tax break, i don't see a reason to get married. it's not "more permanent" it's not "harder to leave" it's not "deeper commitment" it's a legal contract. plain and simple.

and two: if you feel like you NEED to get married, then why wait for him to ask? it is 2011, nearly 2012, and the sexual revolution was 40 years ago.

:drinker:

Amanda0325

Here's a novel idea - why aren't you asking him? Why haven't you had this conversation before? Maybe he never wants to get married in general, so that would be something worth noting, especially if marriage is something you want.

I just don't understand this idea that women have to wait around for an effing ring. If YOU want to get married, then ask HIM about it. And I find it even more crazy that so many people choose to get married because of "timing". "Oh, we've been together for X amount of years it must be time." "Oh I'm almost 30, it must be time."

This is coming from someone who has been with someone for nearly 7 years. We are happy and I knew early on that neither one of us would want to get married for quite a long time, if ever (in general, not just with one another). After a couple years, I would assume adults would have had that conversation at some point. I don't believe in the idea that "Oh if he hasn't asked you yet, he's an *kitten*!!" You're an adult too, you should have had the conversation a few years ago, especially before moving in together.

ETA: And why is there the assumption that everyone in the world wants to get married anyway if they get into a relationship? And yes, I find it insulting that people, especially women, assume that if you've been with someone for a few years you're an idiot if he hasn't asked you to marry him. Give me a break. I have other more important and interesting things going on in my life than sitting around hoping for a damn ring someday.

THIS!

one: unless you have some religious preferance otherwise, or need the tax break, i don't see a reason to get married. it's not "more permanent" it's not "harder to leave" it's not "deeper commitment" it's a legal contract. plain and simple.

and two: if you feel like you NEED to get married, then why wait for him to ask? it is 2011, nearly 2012, and the sexual revolution was 40 years ago.

LOL thanks.

Chiquita_Banana

maybe he's waiting for the right time, i was with my husband for 7 years before he proposed... we were young when we started dating so when he proposed i was 24, and we went through a lot with finishing up school, my mother's death and his mother's death, so for him it was just timing... now we're married 4 years with 3 year old twins and another coming in febuary

My1985Freckles

im sorry probably gonna get yelled at for this but i have heard this a lot on here lately. why is he not proposing? after 7 years i would think you would both know if you are the "one". does he want to get married?

Typically they say if the subject of marraige/proposal hasn't come up by year 2 that your relationship is doomed.

Elizabeth_C34

im sorry probably gonna get yelled at for this but i have heard this a lot on here lately. why is he not proposing? after 7 years i would think you would both know if you are the "one". does he want to get married?

Typically they say if the subject of marraige/proposal hasn't come up by year 2 that your relationship is doomed.

Who is "they"? Every relationship is different. Some people date for many years and do fine never getting married. Others, like my grandparents, get married after 3 months of dating and go for 50 years together.

Marriage is really about the commitment you make to one another. Some people, myself included, like to have that formally documented with a wedding and all that. Others don't want to. Some don't take the marriage seriously enough to work through their issues, and some do. It's all up to the people in the relationship when is right for them and when it isn't.

DarkAngel525

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

I have to disagree. I have lived with 2 boyfriends and I think it is crucial to get that out of the way before planning your life together. I was able to live with them each for about 2-3 years and we determined together, as adults, that we wouldn't be right in a marriage together. Had I waited and just been dating and living seperately, I'm sure it would have seemed rosey and wonderful. Best decision I made and best thing my parents actually were cool about!

vmclach

This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

Wake up, ladies.

The opposite side of this coin is my advice. NEVER, EVER CONSIDER MARRYING SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER LIVED WITH !!!! I can't stress this enough. Marriage is the single biggest decision that can make or break the rest of your life. DON"T make the wrong choice or get "forced" into marriage b/c you will end up hating both of you for f*ckin this decision up.

I'd like to say that my parents moved in together after dating for 2 years, they got engaged after 1 year of living together, and they have been married for 27 years.
My oldest brother moved in with his girlfriend after dating for less than a year. They have been living together for over 7 years, and they have been engaged for 4 years. They are doing an extremely expensive distination wedding in Europe this wedding, so they had to save up for a LONG time.
My other brother moved in with his girlfriend after dating for 2 years. He proposed 2.5 years after living together. They got married within 9 months.

I've been living with my boyfriend for over 6 months, and I've been dating him for about 2 years. I don't want to get married yet. He doesn't want to get married yet. We are in our early 20s.

Just tell him how you feel?
But don't let these traditionalist bring you down. You haven't made any mistakes.

CandiceLeeAnn

My Husband proposed to me in June 2000, at my Grade 12 prom. We'd been dating for less than a year. I went away to college and in June 2002 we moved into an apartment together. In October 2005 we decided that we wanted to have a child together and in August 2006, our daughter was born. When our daughter was 18 months old we decided that we wanted to try for another baby. In November 2008, our son was born. Finally on May 16, 2009 we got married in front of our friends and family. It wasn't a lavish, over the top wedding because it isn't our style. It was unconventional, fun and something we'll always remember. It was worth the wait and almost 10 years in the making but I would be just as happy being together...with or without that piece of paper. There is no textbook relationship, no guidelines to follow and some people like me do things completely backwards...lol. So sorry for the condensed life story...I'm a talker/typer

KimmieBrie

one: unless you have some religious preferance otherwise, or need the tax break, i don't see a reason to get married. it's not "more permanent" it's not "harder to leave" it's not "deeper commitment" it's a legal contract. plain and simple.

I disagree - but I will agree that if you only view marriage as a legal contract, and NOT any deeper commitment than any other relationship, then yes, you should never get married. plain and simple.

annabanana05

i was with mine for 5 years and never got a ring since then i have been with my new boyfriend about 6 months and already have a ring...so im wondering why he hasn't asked you yet?? it shouldn't take long to know who's the one

smsaban85

Anyone here been with your bf/gf/significant other for an extended period of time and ready for that question?! Will be together with my bf for 7 years in March and I'm dying for a ring... but don't know if it is anywhere in sight for the near future lol..

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, we have been married for 3 months. Have you and he talked about marriage, talked about being together forever, kids, family, serious stuff like that. If he doesn't know that you want that, he probably wont ask. I also believe that if a man wants to marry you, he will ask you. Just have to make sure he wants what you want. -
just re-read some of the other post...def. living with him before hand is a good thing. I think I would have killed my husband if I hadn't lived with him first.

DarkAngel525

Propose to him... *dead serious, not joking*

peacek

Start talking about how happy you are for your engaged/recently married friends.
There is no harm in giving him hints.
After that, if you still don't see him buzz - he is giving you hints!

Good luck dear!!! I wish you would be working harder on MFP to fit into your gown next

AdAstra47

This may not be romantic, but it's smart: before you decide whether to get married or not, check the financial and legal details in the state where you live. That can make a big difference in whether or not it's a good idea. Discuss all the potential pros and cons honestly with your Significant Other.

Will getting married make it easier for one or the other of you to get insurance benefits?

What about medical decisions, if one of you is badly injured? A spouse can legally make the decisions, but if you're not getting married you should both have a living will that authorizes the other to make treatment decisions.

Assume that at some point you will split up. What are the laws in your state about divorce, and what are the expenses involved? Will you have to stay tied to this person just because you can't afford to file the expensive paperwork? What about alimony?

If there are kids involved, that's even more complicated. Ladies, if you're married at the time a child was born, then the law assumes that your husband is the father, and he will legally have to pay child support or provide proof that he's not the father. But if you don't get married, depending on the state/local laws, the burden of proof may be on the mother to pay for DNA tests and prove that he's the father before you can get him to pay his share of child support (whether or not his name is on the birth certificate as "father"). As I said, that depends on the state laws.

What if one of you dies? A spouse automatically inherits everything, without having to pay estate taxes, but a Significant Other might not have that right. And if you're not legally married, your Significant Other may not get any portion of your pension, veterans' or social security benefits when you die.

I think most people, when they weigh the pros & cons, decide that for tax, benefit & security purposes, getting married is more beneficial. That's one reason why the LGBT community is fighting so hard for the right to marry.

For you women: DO NOT worry about the stupid ceremony. It's just a symbol. You do not have to serve a dinner. You do not have to rent a fancy hall. You can have the ceremony at the county courthouse in front of a judge and then invite your friends & family to join you in someone's backyard for a reception. One of my friends has been happily married for 15 years now, after getting married at a Las Vegas drive-thru. The important thing is the commitment, the marriage; not the ceremony.

And, for you men, I gave this lecture to my now-brother-in-law: DO NOT worry about the stupid ring. It's just a symbol. The woman wants you, not a sparkly toy. She'd be happy with rings you got from a vending machine, as long as they mean that you are committed to each other. If either of you think you have to delay getting married so you can afford a better ring, then one of you has your priorities screwed up. My parents' first wedding rings were just simple gold bands with a single tiny diamond, but they were proud to wear them. And they were eventually able to replace them with more elaborate ones, once they were on their feet a bit.

Good luck to all of you.

annabanana05

[/quote]

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.
[/quote]


what ever happened to making things work?? you shouldn't have to live together first!

maab_connor

one: unless you have some religious preferance otherwise, or need the tax break, i don't see a reason to get married. it's not "more permanent" it's not "harder to leave" it's not "deeper commitment" it's a legal contract. plain and simple.

I disagree - but I will agree that if you only view marriage as a legal contract, and NOT any deeper commitment than any other relationship, then yes, you should never get married. plain and simple.

you're totally welcome to disagree. but i know plenty of couples who are VERY deeply commited to each other, who aren't married (some by choice and some b/c their state doesn't make it legal for them to do so) and their relationships are not "less" than those who get married. a marriage is just as easy to leave as a co-hab. and a co-hab can be just as commited as a marriage.

Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused

I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.

what ever happened to making things work?? you shouldn't have to live together first!
[/quote]

It just helps the two of you get used to farting in front of each other before you commit to a lifetime of it.

wriglucy

I read a lot of comments about marriage being nothing more than a piece of paper. Which, to each their own opinions, but I am the belief that marriage is a commitment between 2 people to spend their lives together, to be there for each other, until the end.

Everyone is welcome to their opinion, but I thought that maybe it should be pointed out that some people do still believe in marriage.

DarkAngel525

what ever happened to making things work?? you shouldn't have to live together first!

True, there are some things you can work out, like dirty habits, or communication issues. In my case, it was more deep rooted things that we just couldn't compromise on. For instance, he wanted to go out and spend a bunch of money all the time and I was a saver. Another issue was how we felt about having children and the concept of marriage. There are some things I learned in that time period that just made it really clear that marriage would have ended in failure.

Amanda0325

he knows how i feel....

I really think a lot of it is he came from a family that had virtually nothing and everything he has he has built for himself... his house/cares/toys etc. His bank accounts and savings. He has more than his parents and brothers have ever had. And i think he is worried that with the divorce rate and CT being a no fault state and everything is 50/50 that one day it won't work out and he'll get taken for everything he's worked so hard for.
I also think that we have been together the longest out of any of our friends witht he exception of 1 married couple and he doesn't feel the need to get married yet because everyone else is just dating.

I just need to figure out how long that is going to be OK with me... I want to be married before i have kids and i dont want to be in my 30s either which means i need to get engaged and married and prego in the next few years lol

KimmieBrie

one: unless you have some religious preferance otherwise, or need the tax break, i don't see a reason to get married. it's not "more permanent" it's not "harder to leave" it's not "deeper commitment" it's a legal contract. plain and simple.

I disagree - but I will agree that if you only view marriage as a legal contract, and NOT any deeper commitment than any other relationship, then yes, you should never get married. plain and simple.

you're totally welcome to disagree. but i know plenty of couples who are VERY deeply commited to each other, who aren't married (some by choice and some b/c their state doesn't make it legal for them to do so) and their relationships are not "less" than those who get married. a marriage is just as easy to leave as a co-hab. and a co-hab can be just as commited as a marriage.

Not being able to get married because of laws that won't allow you to when you want to is a far cry from not marrying by choice.

If marriage is simply a legal document to you then why get married? Marriage to me is more than a piece of paper - it's the attitude that it's ONLY a piece of paper that makes some people take it so lightly - and to those I say then don't do it. Of course people who are living together can be committed, I never said they could not.

bbygrl5

he knows how i feel....

I really think a lot of it is he came from a family that had virtually nothing and everything he has he has built for himself... his house/cares/toys etc. His bank accounts and savings. He has more than his parents and brothers have ever had. And i think he is worried that with the divorce rate and CT being a no fault state and everything is 50/50 that one day it won't work out and he'll get taken for everything he's worked so hard for.
I also think that we have been together the longest out of any of our friends witht he exception of 1 married couple and he doesn't feel the need to get married yet because everyone else is just dating.

I just need to figure out how long that is going to be OK with me... I want to be married before i have kids and i dont want to be in my 30s either which means i need to get engaged and married and prego in the next few years lol

Hun, I respect that things could be different for you than they were for me, but I wanted to be the young bride so bad, like what you've expressed, and I was. I can't really say I have regrets because I love my husband and we're still together, but we both talk about how we were so young. Having the knowledge and experience I have now, I wish I would have waited until my 30s before getting married. It's kind of a weird thing to say because I met my husband when I did, but I would have wanted more single time, on my own. At least I did have about a year and half after high school before meeting him, but still, I wish I had more 'on my own' time.

I'm not going to pretend I know what's right for you, just again, give my own advice based on my own situations. I caution you to not put an age deadline on things for yourself. What if you did wait until your 30s? Why would that be so bad? I guess I'm only trying to caution you to not allow the pressure of an age deadline force you into decisions that you'll ultimately end up regretting.

Regardless of what happens, I wish you the best and all the happiness in the world.

Amanda0325

he knows how i feel....

I really think a lot of it is he came from a family that had virtually nothing and everything he has he has built for himself... his house/cares/toys etc. His bank accounts and savings. He has more than his parents and brothers have ever had. And i think he is worried that with the divorce rate and CT being a no fault state and everything is 50/50 that one day it won't work out and he'll get taken for everything he's worked so hard for.
I also think that we have been together the longest out of any of our friends witht he exception of 1 married couple and he doesn't feel the need to get married yet because everyone else is just dating.

I just need to figure out how long that is going to be OK with me... I want to be married before i have kids and i dont want to be in my 30s either which means i need to get engaged and married and prego in the next few years lol

Hun, I respect that things could be different for you than they were for me, but I wanted to be the young bride so bad, like what you've expressed, and I was. I can't really say I have regrets because I love my husband and we're still together, but we both talk about how we were so young. Having the knowledge and experience I have now, I wish I would have waited until my 30s before getting married. It's kind of a weird thing to say because I met my husband when I did, but I would have wanted more single time, on my own. At least I did have about a year and half after high school before meeting him, but still, I wish I had more 'on my own' time.

I'm not going to pretend I know what's right for you, just again, give my own advice based on my own situations. I caution you to not put an age deadline on things for yourself. What if you did wait until your 30s? Why would that be so bad? I guess I'm only trying to caution you to not allow the pressure of an age deadline force you into decisions that you'll ultimately end up regretting.

Regardless of what happens, I wish you the best and all the happiness in the world.

not trying to really push the age deadline but my mother had me at 24 and will just be turnign 50 in march and i've been out of the house for 6 years already and she has her life back to do whatever... or has. Not that i think my one day children will be a burden but I'd like to get back to having ym life with my husbanda nd travel to places i won't be able to while raising and putting kids through college... my bf and i have traveled 1-2 times a year in the past 7 years we are living our lives... but i'd like to get married.. its been plenty of time.. i know its what i want.. he needs to make up his mind or send me packing lol

bbygrl5

not trying to really push the age deadline but my mother had me at 24 and will just be turnign 50 in march and i've been out of the house for 6 years already and she has her life back to do whatever... or has. Not that i think my one day children will be a burden but I'd like to get back to having ym life with my husbanda nd travel to places i won't be able to while raising and putting kids through college... my bf and i have traveled 1-2 times a year in the past 7 years we are living our lives... but i'd like to get married.. its been plenty of time.. i know its what i want.. he needs to make up his mind or send me packing lol

Well, you sound very sure of what you want, so that being the situation, it's time to move things forward or move on. If a marriage commitment is what you're wanting out of life, 6 years is a long enough *kitten* time to wait for it, lol.