Ready to Say I DO?

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  • hutc9939
    hutc9939 Posts: 33
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    My bf and I had been together for 10 years and no talk of marriage. I kept waiting and waiting... Finally, one day out of the blue, I told him I want to get married (this was 3 years after I had decided he is the one. We have 2 children together and I did not want to get married just because I was pregnant. Life kept happening...his grandmother passed away, my grandmother grew very ill and passed...There was always something going on. I want to get married for us not because some event was taking place or pregnancy etc.) He agreed and rushed out to buy a ring. Our wedding date is set for April 2012. Sometimes, you need to stop waiting for someone else to take action. If you really know that is who you want to spend the rest of your life with, it is better to get that point out in the open rather than wait for him to bring it up!

    Good luck!
  • jennisgonnadoit
    jennisgonnadoit Posts: 16 Member
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    This has been a hot topic for me since my bf and I had our son in February. We constantly get the "when are you getting married" question from all sides. We have talked about it and honestly feel like we already are so why spend the money and stress over the ceremony just to make a public display. There are times when I think I would like to be officially married but really the only reasons for those are to shut people up and insurance, which neither is a good reason in my book to do it. We have made a commitment to each other, both wear rings, and in our hearts are married. We see no reason to have a government slip of paper to confirm it.

    Now I have been married before so maybe my perception of marriage is a little bit warped. My bf has not been married and I told him if he ever decides that being "official" is important to him, all he has to do is let me know and I would be happy to be his "official" wife. The same as he said if I ever change my mind and it becomes important to me, let him know. If we do have a ceremony, it won't be a traditional or huge deal. Neither of us like a lot of attention and the thought of being in front of a bunch of people with everyone staring at us causes us both to almost go into a panic attack. So if we do decide to do it, it will be a small intimate setting with only a select few there. We've both joked around that we will just go to Vegas sometime and come home married. :)

    No with all that said, I will admit the insecure side of me sometimes worries that the reason it isn't important to him is because I'm not the "one" and he is holding out for that "feeling" but his actions have never justified those feelings in any way. He actually has the same worries. But once again I think this is the hype that the general public gives marriage that creates these thoughts. If he ever asked me I would say yes in a heartbeat, but I want him to ask because that is what he wants. Not because of pressure from me or anyone else. I actually would be more than happy just knowing that if marriage was important to him, I would be the one he would want to do it with.

    As for the legal side, yes sometimes I do have worries about what if something happened to either of us. How would the other one be legally protected. Plus the protection for my son from a previous relationship, and our son together. But we have done all that we can to make sure our wishes have been known to those that would be involved and go from there.

    So after writing a book :) I say that marriage is something that is different for everyone. I 100% believe you can be married without the ceremony and legal document. We have made the commitment to each other and our family. Anything beyond that is just for the public. But that is my opinion and I know for others, they feel differently. Which I am happy that in this day and age, is acceptable.
  • mrs_madame
    mrs_madame Posts: 48 Member
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    Ugh, I could go on forever about this haha.

    1. Don't EVER marry someone you haven't lived with, dumbest advice ever. I know that's how they did it in ye olde times, but they also didn't have as high a divorce rate because it was frowned upon. You sucked it up and lived unhappily! Yay.

    2. For people who say "It's just a ring, why are you so materialistic?!?" It's not about the ring for most people, it is about what that ring means. It means that person is committed to you and wants to love you for the rest of their lives, AND you are able to show that off to people around you. It's nice to be able to show that love in a physical form! My boyfriend's mom just got engaged with a $200 aquamarine ring and she is the happiest person I know right now, and she wears it like a badge of honor.

    3. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, known him for 5, and we've lived together for over 3 years now. He is 8 years older and a full time engineer while I am still in school. He hasn't asked me yet, but I know when I'm more able to help support us he will. -Sometimes- I feel like maybe he really isn't ready or doesn't want us to get married, but I know that it is just my stupid girly side talking. I want to be able to show off that love just like the next girl! My advice is just wait it out, and if you feel like you can't, have a serious talk with him and explain your feelings and why something like a ring would make you much happier/secure. (P.S. His cousin who is younger than me got engaged 2yrs ago, our best friends who have been together two years got engaged 2 months ago, and his mom just got engaged last week. I feel like saying FML, but I know my time will come eventually).
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    Seriously? You set a wedding date SIX YEARS FROM NOW???

    What is the point?
  • Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused
    Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused Posts: 935 Member
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    Seriously? You set a wedding date SIX YEARS FROM NOW???

    What is the point?

    Well what if it doesn't work out? :angry:
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
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    1. Don't EVER marry someone you haven't lived with, dumbest advice ever. I know that's how they did it in ye olde times, but they also didn't have as high a divorce rate because it was frowned upon. You sucked it up and lived unhappily! Yay.

    You do realize that the divorce rate is higher now even though living together before marriage is also higher?
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    "A wedding is expensive"

    I'm sorry - go ahead and punch me. But if you need to save for YEARS for a wedding it's time to rethink your priorities. It's a day. It's a party. It's not worth years of hard-earned savings. Buy a house with that money and go get married in a park.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    Seriously? You set a wedding date SIX YEARS FROM NOW???

    What is the point?

    Well what if it doesn't work out? :angry:

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • jennisgonnadoit
    jennisgonnadoit Posts: 16 Member
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    "A wedding is expensive"

    I'm sorry - go ahead and punch me. But if you need to save for YEARS for a wedding it's time to rethink your priorities. It's a day. It's a party. It's not worth years of hard-earned savings. Buy a house with that money and go get married in a park.

    Is there a like button on here :) I totally agree! I know it is important to some people to have the big formal dress and wedding ceremony but honestly most people I know don't even remember who was there and who wasn't. All the stress, planning, and money that goes into it, why put yourself through all that.
  • MrsCon40
    MrsCon40 Posts: 2,351 Member
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    Six years and you haven't demanded that he **** or get off the pot?

    If he doesn't know that's what you want he's too dense to reproduce. If he does know and hasn't asked you, he won't.

    :flowerforyou:
  • CharmCityBella
    CharmCityBella Posts: 37 Member
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    I met my boyfriend on Match.com and we're approaching our 3 year anniversary in January. I moved into his house about a year ago and we're happier than ever. I was hoping for a ring for Christmas, but he said he heard me tell someone that and he didn't want me to get my hopes up and that he was not proposing for Christmas. It was kind of a let down, but I also know that he has a age that he wants to be married (which is 30) and that's not too far away. I'm 29 and he's 28. I'm not sure what the fixation with 30 is, but all the same, he hasn't swayed from that number since we started talking about marriage. The past couple of months have been extremely good between and us and I guess I just thought we were heading in that direction a bit faster than planned. I am completely ready to marry him, so I understand your frustration. If the relationship is worth it to you, wait it out and I hope you get what you're waiting for!
  • shanolap
    shanolap Posts: 1,204 Member
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    Six years and you haven't demanded that he **** or get off the pot?

    If he doesn't know that's what you want he's too dense to reproduce. If he does know and hasn't asked you, he won't.

    :flowerforyou:

    I would of moved on years ago. Ask yourself, are you settling because he's right there in front of you? 6 years...gah!!!!
  • eeeekie
    eeeekie Posts: 1,011 Member
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    I ended it with my ex 3 years ago because of this. We were together 6 years and I felt like if you wanted to marry me 6 years was enough time to know for sure. No ultimatum but came to find out he just didn't wanna get married. I couldn't stay in that relationship because my future requires marriage/kids. I'm that kind of woman and even though I wanted/want that with him I knew I'd never have it from him and I couldn't be happy with that. (we were in a very LDR).
  • directorj
    directorj Posts: 537 Member
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    I'm hitting 4 years with my girlfriend on Friday :grumble: . LOL. She's not pressuring me or anything and I'll give it another few years. I have a lot more things on my list and I need to start crossing it out soon :laugh: . We really been through a lot and I'm surprised we are still together. I already graduated college earlier this year and she's already done with hers in Cosmetology. For now everything is going smoothly and just waiting for "the right time".

    I'd also have to agree that living with each other is a whole different ball game. From experience, live with the person first then see if you want to marry them. I seen a lot couples who got married within 1-2 years and they "seem" fine, and then I have couples who's been together for almost 10 years and they just love fighting.

    I know I'm not ready, but I know this girl is the special one [/ cheesy ] :bigsmile:
  • Troll
    Troll Posts: 922 Member
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    been with my dumplin for 6 years (as of the 15th of this month) and xmas day we will be one year engaged :) we got the ring on my bday in may and i was on edge waiting for it (knowing its coming is SO TOUGH to handle,lmao) we havent even set a date, i have my dress and his wedding band so if all else fails we can go JP with it :)
  • busyPK
    busyPK Posts: 3,788 Member
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    I was with my then boyfriend of 5 years (and one baby later) and still nothing. We did get married a little over a year go (and welcomed a new baby about 10 months later). haha
  • _GlaDOS_
    _GlaDOS_ Posts: 1,520 Member
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    Here's a novel idea - why aren't you asking him? Why haven't you had this conversation before? Maybe he never wants to get married in general, so that would be something worth noting, especially if marriage is something you want.

    I just don't understand this idea that women have to wait around for an effing ring. If YOU want to get married, then ask HIM about it. And I find it even more crazy that so many people choose to get married because of "timing". "Oh, we've been together for X amount of years it must be time." "Oh I'm almost 30, it must be time."

    This is coming from someone who has been with someone for nearly 7 years. We are happy and I knew early on that neither one of us would want to get married for quite a long time, if ever (in general, not just with one another). After a couple years, I would assume adults would have had that conversation at some point. I don't believe in the idea that "Oh if he hasn't asked you yet, he's an *kitten*!!" You're an adult too, you should have had the conversation a few years ago, especially before moving in together.

    ETA: And why is there the assumption that everyone in the world wants to get married anyway if they get into a relationship? And yes, I find it insulting that people, especially women, assume that if you've been with someone for a few years you're an idiot if he hasn't asked you to marry him. Give me a break. I have other more important and interesting things going on in my life than sitting around hoping for a damn ring someday.
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
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    This going to be blunt because that's what I do ...

    Color me skeptical. I am firmly entrenched in the "If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked already" camp. Your first mistake was moving in with the guy.

    If you want to get married, don't move in until you are at very least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. I can't even count the number of women I know who have been living with their boyfriends for 5+ years and are still waiting desperately for a ring. Some even have the ring (I have one friend who has been "engaged" for 9 years) but can't get the guy to agree to a wedding date, which should tell them something.

    You need to send this guy a message that says "If you want to wake up with me every day and go to sleep with me every night, buy me a ring, get down on one knee, and ask me properly to be your wife." If he doesn't want to do that, he's not just opening the door for you to walk out, he's kicking you down the front steps.

    Wake up, ladies.

    I have to 100% disagree with this statement. I think in this day and age, you'd have to be crazy to get engaged to or marry someone before you live with them. At the end of the day, you don't really know someone until you actually live with them 24/7. Making a lifetime commitment to someone when you only see the best sides of them (it's much easier to hide your flaws when you don't see someone all the time) is just asking for trouble when you get engaged or married and actually have to deal with your SO all the time.
    I disagree. You can get to really know someone without living with them. It just takes time. And of course it varies on an individual basis. I would agree with not getting married until after living with each other though, because it certainly does happen sometimes. Me and my SO were together 4 years and engaged for one before we moved in together. We are young though, so for people who started dating in adulthood, four years might be unrealistic. But to my point, we've been living together for about 5 months now and he's still the same person I always thought he was!
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
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    "A wedding is expensive"

    I'm sorry - go ahead and punch me. But if you need to save for YEARS for a wedding it's time to rethink your priorities. It's a day. It's a party. It's not worth years of hard-earned savings. Buy a house with that money and go get married in a park.

    Is there a like button on here :) I totally agree! I know it is important to some people to have the big formal dress and wedding ceremony but honestly most people I know don't even remember who was there and who wasn't. All the stress, planning, and money that goes into it, why put yourself through all that.

    Exactly ^^^ It's not the ring or the party that's important. It's the marriage - the commitment to a life together. That's what makes it special. A wedding or a ring CAN be expensive, but it doesn't have to be... One of my girlfriends spent approx. 60 grand of her own and her husbands money on their wedding with about 300 guests... she said the day was a blur, a whirlwind she barely remembered. Ouch!!!
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
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    Here's a novel idea - why aren't you asking him? Why haven't you had this conversation before? Maybe he never wants to get married in general, so that would be something worth noting, especially if marriage is something you want.

    I just don't understand this idea that women have to wait around for an effing ring. If YOU want to get married, then ask HIM about it. And I find it even more crazy that so many people choose to get married because of "timing". "Oh, we've been together for X amount of years it must be time." "Oh I'm almost 30, it must be time."

    This is coming from someone who has been with someone for nearly 7 years. We are happy and I knew early on that neither one of us would want to get married for quite a long time, if ever (in general, not just with one another). After a couple years, I would assume adults would have had that conversation at some point. I don't believe in the idea that "Oh if he hasn't asked you get, he's an *kitten*!!" You're an adult too, you should have had the conversation a few years ago, especially before moving in together.

    ETA: And why is there the assumption that everyone in the world wants to get married anyway if they get into a relationship? And yes, I find it insulting that people, especially women, assume that if you've been with someone for a few years you're an idiot if he hasn't asked you to marry him. Give me a break. I have other more important and interesting things going on in my life than sitting around hoping for a damn ring someday.

    My love for you just grew, exponentially.

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