Can a Fit, Sexy Girl Like a Fat Guy?

LMHinson15

I asked the question for a couple reasons...

1) I wanted to prove what I already knew was true. And that is that, generally speaking, women are attracted to a man more for his intelligence, personality, wit, charm, etc. and less for his adonis-like physical appearance.

There are a lot of guys on MFP that are single and may be struggling with dating at their current fitness level. I am dating here and there but have mentally put a lot of that activity on hold until I feel better about my appearance. For a number of reasons (none of them good) I let my fitness level get way off track and I'm embarrased about that for myself because I know better.

And...

2) With the input of others, I wanted to develop an impression in my mind as to whether or not I really needed to pull back from pursuing dating during this transformational period in my life.

As you can imagine, I've considered at least some of the obvious pro's and con's to dating while being a chunky monkey. There are plenty of valid reasons to stop and to keep going. The programmer in me likes to understand that path ahead (even just a little) before jumping off the deep end.

All of your responses have been great and I appreciate you chiming in with your opinions. The real lesson learned here is that it's all about what's on the inside and that an investment on the outside is the icing on the cake that tastes so good.

This is a great group of people here at MFP and I'm glad to be amongst you.

kcwebguy

Just gonna come out and say it, you are a cutie! :blushing: BUT more than that you seem to have your thinking straight. I mean you're thinking through what you want out of life in general, and in the midst of this "transformational time". I think that says lots of good things about you. I know guys who never stopped to ask themselves whether (for fitness reasons or otherwise) they were ready to be dating, or in a relationship. That's a recipe for heart-break, let me tell ya!! (I guess the same is true for us ladies too). I think the journey into fitness, when done well, helps us to be self aware in a lot of ways that go beyond just physical well being. That kind of self awareness makes for a good partner!

We ladies need good fish like you in the sea!

aegira

As an older lady, I would have to say yes.
You could be the worlds best looking, guy ever BUT if your heart is cold and your soul is selfish then your looks won't keep you warm at night or love you for who you are. My ex was a fit healthy good looking guy, I thought I was the luckiest girl ever, unfortunately the demands he put on me and the children to be the perfect show ponies was ridiculous. Now he apparently is still good looking, but he is also single and his children have nothing to do with him.
Be true to who you are, looks and size aren't everything, I've found that love doesn't check your dress / shirt size it just 'loves' :flowerforyou:

ItsCasey

Just because you cannot understand something does not mean people are being dishonest.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying that. I get so freaking tired of hearing " ... and anyone who says differently is lying."

SmallerBecky

Sure can! My personal preference has always been a little bigger over too small anyway, but for me, it's really not about size at all. I usually like funny guys, and a lot of "fat" guys are really funny! My husband has been making me laugh since I was 12. That's what got me. That, and everything he does for me and the kids.

Now, I also appreciate someone taking good care of himself and being healthy. That is not something he is doing right now but I know life is a process.

laddyboy

How about guys going for "fat" girls? I feel like it is completely opposite in this situation. I have always been the "chubby girl with the cute face". I get attention from guys, but have a hard time finding a relationship. I'm the cute, funny fat friend haha I shouldn't laugh, because sometimes I wonder if I was skinny if I would have a boyfriend :-/

Haha we posted about this at the same time. :laugh: You're right on the money....I hit it off with many guys but never made it past a lot of first dates or hanging out. I think a lot of men, deep down, do not want to be seen with an overweight woman. It hurts....I went out with a guy a few times who said that I had such a pretty face, but more guys would want to date me if I lost weight. At least he was honest...

Those kind of guys in my opinion are shallow pieces of ****. It's what's inside that counts. I would much rather be with someone I enjoy being around than having a trohpy wife. To me my wife is HOT. She needs to lose a litte and is working on that for HER. I never push her to lose weight for looks. I encourage her because she wants to get healthier. Let's face it...the bedroom part is only a small part of the relationship in terms of time spent. All the other time you really have to enjoy that person and I just love being around my wife. She is funny, loving and a really good person. I am blessed!!!

LorinaLynn

Just because you cannot understand something does not mean people are being dishonest.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying that. I get so freaking tired of hearing " ... and anyone who says differently is lying."

Absolutely. Either we're lying, or we're manipulative witches feeding off our spouses insecurities. :huh:

I'm perfectly aware that there's people who don't think like I do. I'm also perfectly aware there's people who wouldn't find me attractive. I'm a pale, short, athletic-build brunette with short, curly hair in a world where tall, tan, curvy blondes with super-long, flat ironed hair is all the rage. And that's ok. I'm not going to take it as a personal insult if I'm not someone's type.

MaximalLife

I think ladies like having guys wrapped around their finger, and if they're insecure, they go far beneath their standard to troll for Mr Ugly or Captain Kangaroo.

And then they kind of let themselves go a bit, knowing he won't find anything better.

That's not a relationship.

RESPONSE:
Harsh, but oh so true! Ouch!

I thought of that but in reverse.
A friend had dated a fat girl once and the thought crossed my mind. Was that possible?

But no, I went with the fit lady - lol FANCY THAT!

And fast forward 20 years....
This fat girl grew into a grossly obese woman - just HUGE!
And by age 25 she was already taking insulin. By age 30 she could barely walk and at age 37 both legs had been amputated just below the knee, and she was confined to a wheelchair where she rolled around and got even fatter if you can believe that.

She died 10 years ago - age 40 - alone, no husband, no kids - all alone. None of us who knew her even bothered going to the funeral.

The world is just a cruel place.

auticus

For the record I don't think anyone here is "lying". I just find it odd that dating sites and diet sites both report the same issue with overweight people in general... that their dating life sucks while they are fat and its hard to find an attractive mate when one is fat.

But I also note people will always say its inside that counts, but then in reality all of the fat people I know are single and can't find a date, and all of the *kitten* can find one in five minutes so actions and reality are what drive me to not believe you as much. The nice fat guys are still nice and have great hearts. And are still single because few will give them a chance. The douche bags are still douche bags, absolute poison inside, and will still get chance after chance, because they are good looking, and looks drive dating. They may not be able to land a solid partner being a douche bag, but they will never be alone

I'm also not saying its impossible for fat people to date, just that I find it highly unlikely that a fat guy is attracting a fit woman. I think we may have disconnects on what is fat, and what is fit and that that is the crux of the problem here.

I think in my entire life I've seen exactly four instances of a moderately overweight man with a fit woman (not thin... fit... there is a difference)

The question raised was not "can fat guys attract women", it was "can fat guys attract fit women". To which of course no one can answer that question absolutely because we can't talk to every fit woman around, but my personal experience and the experiences my overweight fat male friends have is that 90 times out of 100 if you're fat and dating, the other person is not fit and athletic (and often times will also be overweight). Like body types tend to get together. Go out to a public place like a mall or an event and look at the couples and while there are some that buck the trend, look at what the majority represents.

Also a lot of the women answering yes in this thread I would not consider "fit" by their appearance. That's not a slam on anyone so don't get your rage machine out. Very few people are actually "fit". Thin is not fit, and neither is ideal weight but not toned (what some call "thin fat")

I also note that the older a woman gets, the less reliant on looks she is with a man, but a woman in her 20s and 30s is pretty much usually going to be going off of sexual chemistry first. Males tend to be the reverse. The older a man gets, the more picky he often becomes. These are generalizations based off of studies.

I'm not saying this to be cruel (I'm fat. That's why I'm on this site. I don't really date because I'm not attracted to overweight women and if I am also fat it seems hypocritical of me to think that I'm going to land someone attractive when I myself am not), but again if it were ok to be fat and fat guys and gals could land dates so easily and it be socially acceptable, dating sites would not be such a horror, nor would diet sites be so hugely popular and sites like this would have less traffic, because a good majority of people are trying to lose weight for vanity reasons to help them land dates easier or feel better about their own physical appearance (for social reasons).

Why do you think so many people on dating sites lie about their weight? It's a joke with many but most people who put "a few extra pounds" are really obese. If the general trend was that it didn't matter, there would be a lot less lying about body types on match.com, eharmony, plenty of fish, etc... but the reality is people who put large or a few extra pounds are skipped by and large.

So if you would date a fat guy and you truly are a "fit" woman, then good for you! That's awesome. You are a rare diamond in the culture that is western civilization. Most people (man and woman) who say that though are either not really fit themselves, overweight, or are saying that but when it comes down to actually choosing often go with the athletic, fit option in their mate anyway.

LorinaLynn

For the record I don't think anyone here is "lying". I just find it odd that dating sites and diet sites both report the same issue with overweight people in general... that their dating life sucks while they are fat and its hard to find an attractive mate when one is fat.

I've had a dating advice site and forum for about a dozen years, and NO ONE has an easy time with dating. Finding someone who is a good match is hard, for everyone. Some people have an easier time meeting people than others, but finding someone with whom you feel mutual admiration, attraction, compatibility and chemistry is something special. Some people don't care about all of those things, so if you have less preferences or requirements, you're going to have an easier time. Anyone can get laid. Once. It takes a little more substance to have a relationship.

The other thing is the last part of that quote. "...its hard to find an attractive mate when one is fat." And that's always been a peeve of mine. I remember one woman I knew who phrased it as, "Why can't I find a cute guy who'll like me for who I am?" Uh... so you want someone based on their physical appearance, but it's wrong of them to want the same?! If someone is going to be superficial, they should expect superficial in exchange.

I consider myself fit. I can run about a 7 minute mile, with a sub 25 minute 5k. I have nice muscle and fairly low body fat. But I'm not a health nut, since I have plenty of things to talk about with others that doesn't involve health or fitness. I consider my exercise and dietary habits to be part of my maintenance, what I do to live the kind of life I want to live, but it's not my life. Expecting a guy (or my friends) to be just as into lifting, running, etc as I am would be like expecting them to be just as into painting toenails, dying hair or plucking the perfect arch into my eyebrows.

Maybe I am an exceptionally wonderful person. :laugh: I know my husband thinks I am. But all my life, I've been surrounded by a lot of great relationships - my grandparents, my parents, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my friends - and all of those great relationships are based on a helluva lot more than the surface. So when I was dating, I met a lot of guys who liked how I looked, and a lot of guys who cared about what I said or thought or did. My looks will fade, and so will any guy's (except maybe Sean Connery). The essence of who I am, who they are, is only going to intensify. It's a much better choice to go for the essence.

auticus

I don't disagree wtih most of what you say. However... I am (before my back got hurt a couple weeks ago) pulling off 8-10 mile runs, and I've got a pregnant belly. Most people don't consider me fit at all based off of my physical appearance, even though I can pass an army PT test.

Fit I think is an overall look... I knew guys in the army who were "fat" but maxed out their PT tests. They were still fat. So when I'm talking about "fit" I'm not talking about one's fitness level (I can perform physically at a level beyond what most of my thin and "normal" friends can but people would consider them "fit" based off of their appearance and me a slovenly Hutt)

It's good that you were surrounded by a positive environment. Being fat, however, puts you into a toxic environment. Walk a year as an obese person and see just how nasty the world can be. The movie Shallow Hal was good on this, the actress who played the obese woman wore a fat suit and she said when in the fat suit walking around the city she was horrified at how people treated her (they didn't know who she was) and that it was a stark difference from how people treated her normally (as a thin, beautiful blonde woman)

I understand NO ONE has an easy time with dating, but we're comparing two different things now. A fit person can have a hard time finding someone worthwhile no doubt, but has options (even if none of those options are desireable). A fat person can have a hard time getting someone to even talk to them on any real level. There's the difference. I was a psychology / sociology student who missed his masters by a semester and studied interpersonal dating relationships heavily for a number of years and what drives peoples' social needs, so I'm not totally a novice at what I'm talking about. Granted with social interaction, everyone is different, but I am speaking in anecdote (like most people do, having to rely on self experience) so my views are colored by the data and experiences I have collected personally.

To the comparison above, the end result can be the same (no mate) but one road is more isolated than the other.

I am superficial to some degree. I've dated fat women. I liked them a lot as people, but was not sexually attracted. If I'm going to be in a relationship with someone I want to also be sexually attracted to them. I want to want them. I don't expect a super model. My desired body type in a woman is actually more like mine, where she'd be 10-20 lbs over. I find that more attractive and I want that. Does that make me a horrible person? Not really. I have female friends. And if I want a mate, I want them to also be friends, and I want to want to have sex with them.

I'm sure there are people out there that aren't really interested in sexual attraction. The older one gets, the less important sex drive is, and the less sexual chemistry matters. I'm a male in my mid 30s... so sexual attraction is still important to me somewhat. Not as important as when I was 25 but its still something I like.

I also like working out, running, and sports. I do not expect a woman to like the same things. So your analogy that because you enjoy being fit and running and comparing it to thinking a mate wanting the same things as being silly is unfounded. I don't car if a woman is a runner or likes football and soccer. I enjoy having my own activities. I can't stand someone jammed up my butt trying to do everything I do; that's not healthy.

It's easy to talk about your personality and essence etc when you had a lot of options. For someone without a lot of options or any real options, especially due to social stigmas such as being fat, it's an entirely different planet they exist on. It only takes one hurtful comment to knock most people to the ground. A barrage of several can disable someone for their entire life, especially if they have no positive support structure, like you and many have been blessed with. It really is a blessing.

This again is why I'm not dating and haven't dated for years, because I'm fat and not attracted to fat women. I don't expect fit women to be attracted to me because I'm overweight, and they have a pick of athletic males to choose from and 9 times out of 10 will do so from my own personal experiences. If I ever get to a point where I am not overweight any longer, I will start to look at dating as something viable again.

And to wrap up I'm not saying that fat guys can't do it, I'm saying that the odds of it happening are very small, and I'm commenting so much because the illusion that fat men can land dates with beautiful fit women annoys me as I feel its strongly BS as I know a lot of fat men with a mix of personalities and none of them can land a date very well, and I know a lot of fit athletic guys who have a mix of personalities and all of them have plenty of dates. Personality is taken into consideration yes but looks drive the machine. Anecdotes from unfit or overweight women saying that their fat mate is hot is great, but is not what the topic was about.

That's why many of us are here. To improve our physical appearance. Why would we do that? Because we care what others think and want to play the social mating game too and have a hard time doing so while we handicap ourselves in our fat suits. Just peruse the forums and see how many "rate the above poster" threads and read peoples' statuses.

My profile wall has a good variety of dating-related posts from the people I've friended on this site, to the point where it's the majority of what I read here from others. It may seem silly, drivel, stupid, and we should say "we dont' care what others think", but I've gotten off of the self delusion train years ago. If I want something, deluding myself to make me feel better won't get me to that destination. Honesty and a straight line will.

LorinaLynn

I do know that how one feels about oneself is most important. If you don't think you will attract the kind of person you want to attract right now, you won't. It'll be Groucho Marx Syndrome "I don't want to be a member of a club who'd have me as a member." I saw it with friends and family... using one example, a friend didn't think she could get a guy when she was around 200 pounds. Then life happened and she gained more weight, and dating went off the radar entirely. Then she lost weight and feels great about herself, and is having a great time dating... and she's around 200 pounds. The weight she thought was too fat before. Her attitude about herself is what changed the most.

In the 12 years I've had that dating forum, I've made a lot of long lasting friendships with the members, and seen a lot of relationships develop. I've seen lots and lots of people who said "I can't get a date because I'm ____ (ugly, fat, short, broke, too shy, too nice, etc.)" who are now dating, engaged, married, having kids, without any major life overhauls. Because, as hokey and cliche as it all seems, all it takes is ONE person to change your entire outlook.

CoryIda

It's good that you were surrounded by a positive environment. Being fat, however, puts you into a toxic environment. Walk a year as an obese person and see just how nasty the world can be. The movie Shallow Hal was good on this, the actress who played the obese woman wore a fat suit and she said when in the fat suit walking around the city she was horrified at how people treated her (they didn't know who she was) and that it was a stark difference from how people treated her normally (as a thin, beautiful blonde woman)

Although I do disagree with most of what auticus said, this is definitely true.
I don't consider myself stunning, but having a healthy weight and body fat %, a large bust, and being a tall redhead... I get quite a bit of attention (it still makes me uncomfortable, and I don't understand it, but it's true nonetheless).
I spent 6 years as an obese person, and I've only spent a little while as a fit person (and by fit, I mean healthy body weight and body fat, visible muscle, good cardio endurance and better than average strength), and the way society in general treats me is completely different now. Not quite a 180 degree difference, but close.

That being said, my hubby (who is now fat) was not heavy when I met him, and he fell in love with me the way I was then - obese. He finds me more attractive now (that I'm slender), which is funny because I find HIM more attractive now (that he's heavy).

auticus

Well guys, then I implore you to create a dating site and put out the results where fat men are regularly able to hook up with fit and attractive women.

Because when you do so you will be a billionaire.

auticus

I do know that how one feels about oneself is most important. If you don't think you will attract the kind of person you want to attract right now, you won't. It'll be Groucho Marx Syndrome "I don't want to be a member of a club who'd have me as a member." I saw it with friends and family... using one example, a friend didn't think she could get a guy when she was around 200 pounds. Then life happened and she gained more weight, and dating went off the radar entirely. Then she lost weight and feels great about herself, and is having a great time dating... and she's around 200 pounds. The weight she thought was too fat before. Her attitude about herself is what changed the most.

In the 12 years I've had that dating forum, I've made a lot of long lasting friendships with the members, and seen a lot of relationships develop. I've seen lots and lots of people who said "I can't get a date because I'm ____ (ugly, fat, short, broke, too shy, too nice, etc.)" who are now dating, engaged, married, having kids, without any major life overhauls. Because, as hokey and cliche as it all seems, all it takes is ONE person to change your entire outlook.

I've tried. Many times. I've been shot down for my weight more times than I care to count. I know that you can find that ONE person to change your outlook, but one can also gamble and win the powerball off of $1. And many of these women weren't women who were super gorgeous models, many of them were pound for pound heavier than I was.

For me, I stopped because I got tired of spinning my wheels. It also feels disingenuous of me to hit on large numbers of women in the hope I'll net the one. I know that's a common dating website ploy by guys, and people talk about it a lot, and I don't like doing that.

I'll stick with the numbers. Maybe that's because I'm logical *left brained*-minded like that. I implore you all to create a site or some service that reliably matches up fat men with gorgeous fit women You'll be super rich and will have cracked a secret that none of the current popular sites can figure out.

I will say that former obese women are more accepting of fat, obese men. Moreso than a woman who has been thin her entire life would likely be.

KimmieBrie

Okay ladies... I thought it would be interesting to hear what the MFP ladies have to say on the matter.

Can a fit and sexy girl like a fat guy?

Why or why not? (be totally honest)

Honestly? Not this girl. Physical attraction, sex and intimacy are highly important to me.

Also - I'm active. I can't be with someone who lives on a couch, in front of a TV or PC. I want to go outside and do things and I want someone who's willing or physically able to do it with me. Most "fat guys" your words are not that type.

I'm not saying I need a guy with a perfect physique - my husband is a bit over at the moment and it doesn't bother me in the least, but he isn't what i would ever call fat, he's active to the extreme. It's the whole package that counts but something initially sparks your interest and that's usually if they look attractive to you.

judejacklucy

It has to do with the relationship. If the relationship is good, healthy and loving I don't really mind the weight issue. My friend and I refer to our husbands as comfy men! They are both bigger guys, maybe 15-20 pounds overweight. But I'll tell you what, that man makes me laugh harder than anyone in the world. And he makes me feel beautiful everyday, and I don't care if he is a bigger guy!

MaraDiaz

Is it true that people are visually motivated and that appearance plays a huge role in our romantic notions of the perfect someone? Sure.

But I've been thin and at least thought of myself as fit before and was dating a tubby, sloppy lard ball. Why? Because he oozed self confidence (happens he also oozed slimy evil, too, but I didn't see that part until too late). The man took up a whole room. I was always surprised at how short he was, only about 6ft, because he loomed in the mind's eye. And it was all hype, too. The guy had nothing to be confident about. But he wore it and it worked.

A lot of nice fat guys with good hearts have zero self confidence. That's a huge turnoff for me. Probably because I don't have a whole lot of it myself. Two neurotic people filled with insecurities and self-loathing in a relationship seems awfully sad to me.

I won't date again until I'm happy with myself. Until I'm fit and thin and feeling sexy. I refuse to date a man who would have me like this because I don't like me like this. And I'm going to be self confident about my looks and my brains and everything else once I get where I'm going. Because I know that being insecure is self-destructive. If I learned anything from that cocky loser I dated, I learned it's vital to project self-confidence no matter what. And to project it, you have to believe it. So I'm going to take on the world and whip its tail for it and along the way, if I meet someone special, he'll know I know my own worth.

But does that mean I'm going to turn down every man who doesn't meet my physical ideal if and when I do decide to get out there and date again? No way. Looks are nice, but not vital. Intelligence, personality, and compatibility are vital. Put the finest looking right winger on earth in my path, oozing self confidence, and I'll walk away. Put some tubby lefty activist college professor in my path, and if he has an ounce of self-confidence, I'll probably jump at the chance to date him. Looks are nice, but if I can't have a conversation with someone without wanting to choke him, looks mean nothing.

So what about a hot, sexy, leftist with a high IQ? Okay, sure, send one my way. But if I'm already in a loving relationship with my hypothetical tubby professor, I'm not interested. So it's also about context and timing, isn't it?

auticus

That's good They should be able to make you laugh.

But 15-20 lbs over isn't a fat guy.

judejacklucy

Yeah you're right he isn't a "fat guy". But I just don't feel any sort of attraction to thin, muscly men. I like bigger guys! I dated a guy around 300 pounds for 2 years and I always had a blast with him!

foremant86

Absolutely!

is it the norm? No.

yes it's going to be harder for larger people to find a mate but it's not impossible and slimming down doesn't always guarantee you a mate either.

Plenty of fit and attractive people are single and miserable too and not by choice.

I'm not fit and sexy(not yet) but i'm quite a bit slimmer and I've got a date with a guy who weighs 380lbs on Sunday.

I personally am not one to turn down a perfectly good man just because he is overweight.

I was quite a bit overweight when i started this journey and lord knows I was not undeserving of love, so why should he be?

I don't understand people who won't date someone because of their weight but then complain about how they can't find a good man/woman. Open your eyes, stop being superficial and you might just find someone ;-)

There's a difference in people who are overweight but still care about themselves and people who are overweight and just don't care.
I can understand not wanting to date someone who clearly has no interest in bettering themselves or living a good life.

No i wouldn't date a man who is 400lbs, rarely leaves the house and lives in sweat pants and sloppy t-shirts.

But a person can be overweight and still live a fairly active life and still care about themselves, they just make bad food choices.

It's completely false that everyone who is overweight is lazy and lives on the couch or in front of the computer.

I know when i was 240lbs, i still was outside everyday going to the park with my dogs, rollerblading, going out to the lake, hiking, camping, etc. I wasn't a bump on the couch, i just ate bad foods and too much of them.