Feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated...

oneIT

I do dishes, clean, laundry, and take care of kids. So when you coming to Florida? Lol

I hope you realize how much he doesn't do and never will do.

ruby_red_rose

I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with so much stress. Like everyone else suggests, have a talk with him to see if he is willing to change. In addition, can you also enlist help from friends and family? Is there someone who you trust who can take care of the kids for a few hours a couple of times a week so that you can get a little break?

Best of luck. Hang in there. I really hope things get better for you soon.

JNettie73

Oh my goodness my dear, I am stressed out by just reading your post. I could not imagine living it. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. You must see a special quality in him for you to stick with him.

But honestly, you are doing way too much. Much more than you should. Your finance really needs to step up to the plate and help you out. YOU are not his maid and should not being doing all you are for him. There is no reason for you to have to clean up after him while he sits on the couch. He is an adult and should begin to act like one. He can get off the couch to help you with the children, do the dishes, clean up his chew things (have no clue what those are), do some laundry and make YOU a meal. I don't mean to come across harsh but from your post, I feel like he is taking advantage of your good nature.

If you want things to change for the better, I suggest you tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know that you need him to help you and that you cannot do it alone. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. You should not be made to feel like you have to do everything.

I think you need to sit down and think about what everyone has told you on here. I think there is some really good advice. I know it is difficult but I think you really need to think about what everyone is saying to you.

Best of luck to you hun. I hope things work out and you get the help that you deserve. (((Hugs))) :flowerforyou:

erin_zuk

It makes me so sad to hear about women (or sometimes men!) who are going through situations like this

I wish I had better advice, but really it just makes me never want to get married or have kids! it sounds horrifying!!!

AlayshaJ

As a person that has one through this VERy recently, ITS CALLED TRAINING. Men need to be trained. Every single time he wasnt doing his part, I told him. Sure he got mad at me, but so what. I can be mad at him all day or he can be mad at me all day. I would rather him be mad at me then have a negative vibe in my body all the time. I told my husband what was up. If I thought he needed to do something, I told him. If he ignores you and the kids when he is mad, leave him with the kids. Go shopping alone. He can take care of them. He is mad at you- not your kids. Once you are gone, he will play with them. If he gets mad at you for that, tell him that is not your problem. Its his problem. He chose to have kids, so he has to take care of them. You are just being a door mat and he will continue to treat yyou as such until you stand up for yourself. If my husban

Tennessee2019

I might also sound like a horrible person, but I've been in your shoes. The only difference is, I married the guy & divorced him a year later. You don't have to make THAT same mistake.
You said it yourself "I don't feel like I'm getting a fair hand." You're not & I think/know that you would be unhappy for the rest of your life if you marry him.
Marriage is a 2-way street, but the road you are on is a 1-way street that is leading to a dead end. The only detour you can take is to GET OUT NOW.
If you are complaining now - it's only going to get worse after you marry him. You also said what you want - "I want some me time. I want to see my friends. I want to see my family. I want to be happy and smiling and enjoy watching my children grow up. I want a change."
You said "I've had alot dealt to me in my life and Ive handled it pretty well. Some of it has made me a stronger person." Well, you need to be that strong person - think of yourself & your kids.
Start fresh in 2012, without him.

philOHIO

Unless I missed it... are you staying with this guy because he is the father of your children? I don't see any other reason to stick with the guy. And if you had two kids by him and still weren't married, that should have given you the clue that he isn't interested in a 50/50 relationship... he wants a maid. Ex-fiance is right, you deserve someone who LOVES you, and RESPECTS you. This guy does neither, sounds controlling/abusive.

KimmieBrie

It makes me so sad to hear about women (or sometimes men!) who are going through situations like this

I wish I had better advice, but really it just makes me never want to get married or have kids! it sounds horrifying!!!

Don't let it put you off marriage - marriage can be wonderful!!!! My husband is nothing like what's being described by the OP.
There are good men out there!!!

And I disagree about training.... seriously, give me a break.... is he a dog a child or a MAN? Do you want a true partner in life or another baby? Misery or happiness? Togetherness or loneliness even when he's there?

The choice is yours.

killagb

angee1126

:frown:
I'm sorry you're going through this.....but I read all the posts and everybody has already said what i want to say......you do deserve much better than that! Think of your kids and yourself because all he's thinking of is himself!!!

Jeff92se

While I agree 100% that raising kids is a 2-person job, the kids are infant and about 2-3 years old? He should have or you should have involved him in the raising process right when the 1st one was born. If you didn't have support during the 1st child, why did you think it was going to be good idea to have another?

I'm not criticizing, just trying to have a diff view so all sides can be viewed here. I'm not excusing the father but if you took care of all the kid's care duties before, why would he suddenly change now? Unless you make a statement and ask/demand it?

ambut

I agree with what other people have said. This guy sounds like an a-hole, and if you choose to stay with him, it's hard to feel too sorry for you. You deserve better, so you should actively make that happen for yourself. If it's an issue of financial stability, it will be harder to make it work, but this douche is not someone you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life. First, try talking to him about it. If he seems unwilling to work through things with you, eff him. Seriously.

livnlite

It makes me so sad to hear about women (or sometimes men!) who are going through situations like this

I wish I had better advice, but really it just makes me never want to get married or have kids! it sounds horrifying!!!

OH, my goodness! Please do not let one instance taint your opinion on such a life altering event. Marriage or any commited relationship is what you make it. It can be 'horrifying' like you said .. but it can also be 'wonderous'. It's a matter of choices.

Choosing a partner .. not JUST a partner, but the RIGHT partner make all the difference in the world.

gg24

Your partner wants a girlfriend. He does not want to be a husband or father. Chances of him changing? Zero to none. Sorry to be blunt. Someone earlier mentioned about imagining if someone came to you about this situation what would you say. I would say imagine it was your daughter. For major decisions in life, I've always found it best to take the advice I would give my daughter.

Leaving is very hard, but no one says you need to do it now. Think about it, make plans, get stronger physically and emotionally, talk to family and friends. Sometimes it really helps if you know you have the option of leaving anytime. If he happens to change, then great, and if not, then leave.

Good Luck!

starracer23

I am a wife and a mother to 3.

My husband works a full time job and he still cooks, cleans, does the dishes, changes diapers, does laundry, folds laundry, vacuums, mops the floors. He doesn't do it all alone, all I have to do is ask for his help and he is there.

You are not your fiance's mother...you are not his maid...nor are you his slave.

You should be his equal, it should be a partnership, NOT an ownership.....

He has 2 feet and a heartbeat --- HE SHOULD BE HELPING!

nanliv32bm3

You have had some really good advice on this topic. I too have been in your shoes (minus the kids but a full time job) and even though he promises and promises (if he gets that far) that he will change, it will always cycle back to the way it was before. Trust me, I have been married seven years and I'm just standing up for myself now. When you are in that type of situation, you lose yourself very very quickly and compromise on a lot of things including your health. You have to make time for you and if he doesn't appreciate you and love you, then kick his a** to the curb. True love is out there for you and your kids. There is a special person out there that will help you and appreciate you.

Life has no remote. You have to get up and change it Yourself!

:flowerforyou: n.

Jeff92se

Leaving might not be an option. As it would appear that he provides finanical support. She only works 3 days a week at a bar. Finanicals for both would be more dificult if they split.

Problem is having TWO kids with the guy and not being married. One kid? Hell mistakes happen. But two kids while experiencing these problems indicate both sides need to examine what they are doing.

ms_erica

omg! how awful can your fiance be? you need to take a good hard look at your relationship and decide if indeed you want him as a husband for the rest of your life. a fiance soon to be husband should help you out and encourage vs put you down and make you feel like ****. Have you tried discussing this with him...maybe ask for some him to at least give you one day out the week to focus on you...hope you figure out what you will do because from the sounds of it..you need a man who is going to appreciate you

soccer8s

LIKE THIS!!!!

Please think about you and your kids!!!! And your happiness!!!!

mleoni092708

I think you need to sit down and think about what you want from him and write it down. Be specific-he is going to do baths every other night, he watches the kids while you do grocery shopping, etc. Then show him the list and tell him it's non negotiable. If he refuses to try to change, there's nothing you can do. If he's not willing to make the effort, please don't marry this man. I've been married for over 8 years with one 3 year old daughter, and I will tell you, marriage is all about compromise. If we have issues with each other, we talk about it and try to fix whatever is pissing the other one off. Otherwise, you are going to have many years of what you have just described, and you will get burnt out. You can't live like that and be a good/happy mother to your children. You are already doing it all on your own, so don't let a break up scare you. (((HUGS)))

MaximalLife

Things have been rough lately. Im feeling run down and exhausted. I get up between 8 and 9 after going to bed between 3 and 4 in the morning. I make my sons bottle then get my daughters breakfast. After they eat i give them a bath then get them dressed and they play for awhile. Then my fiance gets out of bed, eats breakfast then sits on the couch to go on the computer or play the wii. Doesnt matter if he works that day or not, thats "his time to relax". Then he expects me to sit on the couch with him all day while the kids still need to be fed lunch, im trying to potty train my daughter, my son needs his diaper changed, then they both need a nap. But if i dont sit down with my fiance, he gets mad at me for not spending time with him even though he wont help me do any of the stuff that needs to be done. So then a fight between us starts, after which im blamed for ruining his day so he goes to work mad if he works that day or sits on the couch and ignores me and the kids all day. Then my daily cleaning begins. I have to clean the kids' messes, clean up my fiances messes (clothes on the floor, dishes on the tables, spitters and empty chew tins everywhere), do dishes, go up and down two flights of stairs to do laundry ( and god forbid I dont wash my fiances favorite shorts. all hell breaks if i do the wrong ones), hand wash atleast 3 loads of dishes, take out the garbage, clean the cat box and feed the cats.
In bewtween all this Im also supposed to go to the grocery store with two kids, getting in and out of a van with only one working door, and if i work that day ( at a job which my fiance hates because its bar, but im not a bartender, since i dont get very many hours, but what does he expect from a place thats only open 3 days a week?) I have to drive 1 mile out of town to bring the kids to daycare then drive all the way back through town to 1 mile out the opposite side of town to get to work ( of course then he complains that I use too much gas because of this. It's my van, why does it matter?)
Then it's dinner time, if im not working, and of course im expected to cook that on top trying to hold my teething son and entertain my daughter. And i have to make something he wants to eat otherwise he gets mad at me for feeding him "the same damn thing all the time". Nevermind if the kids dont want to eat pierogies and im trying to lose weight (if i dont eat something he gets on my case and says I'm trying to be anorexic). At bed time, I have to change both kids, tuck them both in, rock my son to sleep if hes crabby, then proceed to clean the days messes of toys and food on the floor. But when i try to do this Im again not spending time with him and another fight starts. Im ready to go to sleep about 11 but i cant go to bed because then Im trying to "spend all my free time sleeping" because thats the only thing I ever want to do. So i stay up until 2 then go lay down finally and almost fall asleep immediatley but then he starts poking me to wake up because he wants to "play". I finally get to sleep about 4 but have to get up between 5 and 5:30 to give my son a bottle and change his diaper. Then it starts over again.

Now Im not the type to complain constantly. I've had alot dealt to me in my life and Ive handled it pretty well. Some of it has made me a stronger person. But I dont feel like Im getting a fair hand. Ive lived like this for too long. I want some me time. I want to see my friends. I want to see my family. I want to be happy and smiling and enjoy watching my children grow up. I want a change...

Oh, the beds we make...lol

My wife went through a similar situation with our life that went from zero to hell with the additions of 5 kids BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

And yet, with all the responsibility came the joys as well.
Anyway, we were the sort of couple that "played" when the mood struck hence 5 kids...lol But with these crying babies all around - FORGET IT!

We pawned off the kids on friends and family to set time aside for just us. We also hired a cleaning service to come in once every week. And no, we're not rich...lol Not poor either - just in-between. I made a deal with some friends that we'd take their brats, so they'd have time with each other if they'd take ours.

They key is taking charge of the situation any way you can.
It may seem overwhelming now, but take steps to free yourself and start living life again.

Good luck!

quietlywinning

BTDT. Trust me, life as a single mom without the man is MUCH easier and more fun than life as a single mom with a man/third child. Just leave or make him leave. There is nothing to salvage but destruction, anger, abuse.......and who wants to salvage those??

Kany

I only know what you wrote but he sounds like a poor excuse of a partner and I'd kick his sorry *kitten* to the curb. Why spend your life with someone who treats you that way? Sounds like life would be easier and less stressful without him and that's not the way it should be.

^^ I agree with this.

PegasusDeb

So yes, we are only hearing one side of the story, but I can totally relate. A different level, but still I can relate. I will give you the advice my mom gave me: Her: "are you happy with this situation?" Me: "no" Her: "Then do something about it, because we are sick of all your pizzing & moaning" LOL Harsh yes, but it worked! Several weeks later I kicked him out & never looked back. I can be hard enough on myself, I don't need someone to tell me daily what a piece of **** I am.
Good luck, you deserve better.

jenny95662

I'm going to sound horrible saying this, but are you sure you really want to marry him? He has it made, with you at his beck and call. Those feelings you are feeling now aren't going to go away once you are married.

I feel for you! I can't imagine how stressed out you must be.

i agree he wont change after marriage and most of the time it will just get worse. If your not happy you are better off on your own sounds like he is an extra child and more demanding then the actual children hope it all works out for you hun

Jeff92se

For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.

KimmieBrie

For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.

Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.

The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.

livnlite

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

Jeff92se

For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.

Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.

The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.

1st would be to try to examine BOTH side's mistakes that got them into this. 2nd would be to see if they can come to some agreement to fix the problem. 3rd would be to see if it works out. 4th would be to consider other options if it doesn't. 5th would be to have a frank (aka realistic) discussion about how breaking up would work.

I see a lack of participation. I see laziness. Where is the battering / abusing coming from?

Jeff92se

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?