Feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated...
Replies
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Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.
How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?
Better than the alternative.0 -
Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.
How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?
Better than the alternative.
Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?0 -
It's been said and re-said on this board already......but I'll say it again. You need to take a good long look at the lifetime commitment you're signing up for and whether this is the best thing for you or your children. I should know. I tried to make life with a verbally abusive man-child work for nearly 5 year, working 2 or sometimes 3 jobs, putting myself through college, and taking care of first one and then two children with little or no emotional, physical, or financial (yep that's right financial) support from him. Just because a man doesn't lay a hand on you doesn't mean that what he's doing isn't damaging you to your very core. I got smart and left, eventually. But it took seeing myself through someone else's eyes to truly realize how miserable I was.
As another poster mentioned, read what you wrote as if it had been your daughter writing it and think of the advice you would give to her. No one deserves to be treated like a doormat and housemaid.0 -
cut your workload by 1/3 by getting rid of the child you are calling a fiance. You seem to be living like a single parent for the most part so why not make it official, at least then you will only have your kids & yourself to deal with.
What exactly does this "man" provide in your life? If the answer is nothing more than a **** load of work & money then you need to cut him loose & apply for government assistance.
This is going to sound really *****y but is only intended as an internet kick up the bum & meant in the kindest way possible but...have you always been this much of a doormat or has being with this "man" made you one?0 -
Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.
How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?
Better than the alternative.
Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?
I believe I suggested to try to work it out in an earlier post .. In case you hadn't read it ..
"If you want change .. then make it happen. Your finance needs to learn that you are not his mother...you are his 'partner'. Emphasis on PARTNER. As long as you enable him, he will act like this. Like any so called 'mother' .. you have to wein him...and in this case ... abruptly! Feeling run down and over stimulated with frustration will take it's toll .. on you and your ability to handle life on a day to day basis, not to mention your family. You need to remedy this!
Start by, standing up for yourself. He sounds like he has honed his skills on manipulation by controlling his environment and have you 'mother' him. HE will not grow up, until you give him the kick in the butt he so obviously requires. He needs to see that although he deserves to be loved and appreciated, he needs to reciprocate. Although he may be the one who works outside the home to bring in money, you work at making your family home such that it is.
If he is not 'man' enough to see that he is not helping but hindering your family home life, then perhaps it's time for a rude awakening.
Rest assured, this is not an unusual scenario .. you are not alone in your frustration. If you plan on continuing your life with this man, you have to stand back and taking inventory on what he 'brings to the table'... and so does he.
Good Luck! "
I never suggested to JUST leave. Leaving is and always should be a 'last resort'. If you can't work it out .. and if things don't improve .. when 'staying' is worse than 'leaving' .. You have to choose logic over the emotional roller coaster .. for the sake of those kids.
Staying in a nasty and abusive relationship is always worse than the alternative. Sometimes, by removing the drama, the 'abusive' parent can become less 'abusive' because they are less unhappy. Sometimes it works out better for all involved. Then again, sometimes, an abusive parent is nothing more than 'an abusive parent'. There are legal ways to remedy visitation issues. It's never easy .. it's never trouble free .. It's just the ramifications of getting involved with and bringing children into an abusive relationship. Each scenario is unique .. so is the remedy.0 -
Perhaps you should see a doctor.0
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I'm going to play devil's advocate.... It's entirely possible he has a different take on your relationship and sees this in a completely different light. Nor, does anyone on a message board have insight into the intricacies of your relationship. In my opinion, any advice should be taken with a grain of salt.
You may be very well served by several things in order to keep your family together and alleviate some of the problems... Counseling. Each of you keep a list of precisely what you do for the day - people often misjudge. Learn to "talk" instead of argue... It can be done.
I am a fan of venting to strangers, so if it's mere venting, have at it. I am not a fan of throwing in the towel b/c you two are having a rough time. Unless you've tried all the potential avenues to fix the relationship, then by all means... cut and run. I'm divorced, so I'm not opposed... *LOL*0 -
Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.
How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?
Better than the alternative.
Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?
First, you don't know what the visitation situation would be so don't jump that gun. Second, so you're saying she should sacrifice her self worth, mental health, and potentially the emotional health and well being of her children because of the POTENTIAL that her children will be subjected to the father alone for visitation? If the concern for their well being was that great then she can request limited or supervised only visitation. Problem solved. I am firmly against "staying for the kids" and this argument takes the cake on that front. Subjecting a human being to a continuous stream of mental and emotional abuse and strain is not a matter to be so flippant about.0 -
Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.
How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?
Better than the alternative.
Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?
You are speculating about visitation when the OP hasn't indicated if she intends on talking it out or leaving.
There are steps a parent can take to limit or have visitation supervised. It's just a matter of jumping through the appropriate hoops. In saying that, each situation is different. The scenario you are painting sounds like more of a Joint Custody set up. Many people that I know have "every other weekend".
And who knows if he's THAT lazy, he may forego any type of visitation.0 -
Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.
How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?
Better than the alternative.
Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?
You are speculating about visitation when the OP hasn't indicated if she intends on talking it out or leaving.
There are steps a parent can take to limit or have visitation supervised. It's just a matter of jumping through the appropriate hoops. In saying that, each situation is different. The scenario you are painting sounds like more of a Joint Custody set up. Many people that I know have "every other weekend".
And who knows if he's THAT lazy, he may forego any type of visitation.
That's alot of assumptions to have given the "advice" that I'm seeing here. Unless it's proven that he's not fit to take care of the kids, he'll get around 50%(joint custody). Now, instead of two (or 1.5 incomes) supporting one household, you have that same income supporting two households.
Finanical reality and knee jerk reactions (IMHO) should be seperate.0 -
[For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.
Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.
The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.
1st would be to try to examine BOTH side's mistakes that got them into this. 2nd would be to see if they can come to some agreement to fix the problem. 3rd would be to see if it works out. 4th would be to consider other options if it doesn't. 5th would be to have a frank (aka realistic) discussion about how breaking up would work.
I see a lack of participation. I see laziness. Where is the battering / abusing coming from?
****That was an example (the abuse not necessarily the OPs problem)- you can ALWAYS leave a bad situation - it is always an option. ***Not always the 1st option - it's usually the last option*** And I am still not clear if these are his children or not????
Only going by the OP (one sided obviously) I see:
Complete disrespect
Emotional and other abuse - not letting your significant other sleep is abuse - sorry.
Big time Control issues
He's supposed to be her future husband - not a walking talking whining demanding cruel paycheck.0 -
Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.
How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?
Better than the alternative.
Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?
First, you don't know what the visitation situation would be so don't jump that gun. Second, so you're saying she should sacrifice her self worth, mental health, and potentially the emotional health and well being of her children because of the POTENTIAL that her children will be subjected to the father alone for visitation? If the concern for their well being was that great then she can request limited or supervised only visitation. Problem solved. I am firmly against "staying for the kids" and this argument takes the cake on that front. Subjecting a human being to a continuous stream of mental and emotional abuse and strain is not a matter to be so flippant about.
Aren't YOU assuming what the visitiation situation would be by suggesting she LEAVE?
Read all of my posts. I suggested WORKING it out. This is just ONE side of the story here.
As far as assumptions here. You assumed:
1) She would have near 100% custody
2) That supervised visitation would be better than what she has now.
3) That I'm advocating abuse (GINORMOUS ONE HERE)
4) That she has enough finanical status to do what you are suggesting.0 -
My only advice...you need to accept the man for who he is because once you get married, they only get worse. Being a single mother is easier than being a married woman who is treated badly every single day... and it will be every single day. I know I'm a bit jaded because I've been there, done that, and I will NEVER EVER be with a man like that again. They steal your life, your confidence, your very essence. Now I know not all men are that way, my second husband is wonderful, kind, and thoughtful. But the first... uh uh. Never again.0
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Too much on your plate! Taking care of three babies is incredibly stressful. I know you have a son and daughter,but reading this profile your soon to be ex-fiance? is acting worse than the children. He's a grown up (numbers-yes-maturity level-NO) and should know better and be pitching in and not acting like a 12 year old. His idea of partnership is you do everything and I'll complain about everything if it's not going my way. WTF?!?!?!? Are you sure that this is the route that you want to take? It sounds like he isn't willing to change and if that is the case,strap in and hold on because it's going to be a bumpy ride!!!!0
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I'm not saying that you should break it off with him, but I do think you need to evaluate this situation, determine how you would like for things to change, and then sit down and have a discussion with him about it.0
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First priority, tell him plain and simple that you are giving him notice that the situation cannot continue the way it is. Do NOT be drawn into an argument, just state your case.
Second priority, go get some assertiveness training. YOU are enabling him to do this to you. I promise you he will not starve to death if you decide not to cook on some days.
Set some dates by which things have to change, and let him know you're reviewing the situation on those dates and it's up to BOTH of you to make things better by then.
Otherwise, he'll be cooking ALL his meals and doing ALL his washing.0 -
He sounds like a total and complete *kitten*.0
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Did your fiance behave this way after baby #1 was born? And then you had baby #2?
Not saying it's OK or that you shouldn't really make some changes in your life, but like Dr. Phil says, "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."
Don't expect things to get better IN the relationship and don't have baby #3.0 -
You have 3 kids. Your life could be so much better. Sorry but its the truth.0
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I would rethink the fiancee. Single parenting is hard, but you're doing it anyway. Sounds like it might relieve some of the stress and the mess to get rid of the large child.0
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Oh, the beds we make...lolThings have been rough lately. Im feeling run down and exhausted. I get up between 8 and 9 after going to bed between 3 and 4 in the morning. I make my sons bottle then get my daughters breakfast. After they eat i give them a bath then get them dressed and they play for awhile. Then my fiance gets out of bed, eats breakfast then sits on the couch to go on the computer or play the wii. Doesnt matter if he works that day or not, thats "his time to relax". Then he expects me to sit on the couch with him all day while the kids still need to be fed lunch, im trying to potty train my daughter, my son needs his diaper changed, then they both need a nap. But if i dont sit down with my fiance, he gets mad at me for not spending time with him even though he wont help me do any of the stuff that needs to be done. So then a fight between us starts, after which im blamed for ruining his day so he goes to work mad if he works that day or sits on the couch and ignores me and the kids all day. Then my daily cleaning begins. I have to clean the kids' messes, clean up my fiances messes (clothes on the floor, dishes on the tables, spitters and empty chew tins everywhere), do dishes, go up and down two flights of stairs to do laundry ( and god forbid I dont wash my fiances favorite shorts. all hell breaks if i do the wrong ones), hand wash atleast 3 loads of dishes, take out the garbage, clean the cat box and feed the cats.
In bewtween all this Im also supposed to go to the grocery store with two kids, getting in and out of a van with only one working door, and if i work that day ( at a job which my fiance hates because its bar, but im not a bartender, since i dont get very many hours, but what does he expect from a place thats only open 3 days a week?) I have to drive 1 mile out of town to bring the kids to daycare then drive all the way back through town to 1 mile out the opposite side of town to get to work ( of course then he complains that I use too much gas because of this. It's my van, why does it matter?)
Then it's dinner time, if im not working, and of course im expected to cook that on top trying to hold my teething son and entertain my daughter. And i have to make something he wants to eat otherwise he gets mad at me for feeding him "the same damn thing all the time". Nevermind if the kids dont want to eat pierogies and im trying to lose weight (if i dont eat something he gets on my case and says I'm trying to be anorexic). At bed time, I have to change both kids, tuck them both in, rock my son to sleep if hes crabby, then proceed to clean the days messes of toys and food on the floor. But when i try to do this Im again not spending time with him and another fight starts. Im ready to go to sleep about 11 but i cant go to bed because then Im trying to "spend all my free time sleeping" because thats the only thing I ever want to do. So i stay up until 2 then go lay down finally and almost fall asleep immediatley but then he starts poking me to wake up because he wants to "play". I finally get to sleep about 4 but have to get up between 5 and 5:30 to give my son a bottle and change his diaper. Then it starts over again.
Now Im not the type to complain constantly. I've had alot dealt to me in my life and Ive handled it pretty well. Some of it has made me a stronger person. But I dont feel like Im getting a fair hand. Ive lived like this for too long. I want some me time. I want to see my friends. I want to see my family. I want to be happy and smiling and enjoy watching my children grow up. I want a change...
My wife went through a similar situation with our life that went from zero to hell with the additions of 5 kids BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!
And yet, with all the responsibility came the joys as well.
Anyway, we were the sort of couple that "played" when the mood struck hence 5 kids...lol But with these crying babies all around - FORGET IT!
We pawned off the kids on friends and family to set time aside for just us. We also hired a cleaning service to come in once every week. And no, we're not rich...lol Not poor either - just in-between. I made a deal with some friends that we'd take their brats, so they'd have time with each other if they'd take ours.
They key is taking charge of the situation any way you can.
It may seem overwhelming now, but take steps to free yourself and start living life again.
Good luck!
It seems like you are missing the point. The guy is the problem here, not the kids. Although adding more kids to this situation would be disasterous. Don't get me wrong, I know couples need their time together but he must learn to share the load of reponsibility first or she will never want to give herself to him fully. She will resent him. Sounds like she already does.
Tanking care of the situation means he changes and gets off his butt and grows up or she kicks him to the curb.0 -
Sounds to me like you have two kids and ONE BIG BABY.
Why would you want to keep doing this every day? You need rest.
If this guy was out of the picture you would have more quality time with your babies.
A loving partner is not demanding, wants to make your life better, helps out
You are not in a grown up relationship. Rethink how you want your kids to learn how grownups behave.
You are an example.....but are you one you want your kids to model?0 -
I'm going to sound horrible saying this, but are you sure you really want to marry him? He has it made, with you at his beck and call. Those feelings you are feeling now aren't going to go away once you are married.
I feel for you! I can't imagine how stressed out you must be.
^^^^^^ this
I think you prob know what it is you need to do......I pray you have the strength to do it for your sake as well as your kids.
New year...new start! Make sure it's the right one for you
Hoping all goes well for you!! 0 -
Wow, he would be a gonerrrr!!!!!!0
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Oh, the beds we make...lolThings have been rough lately. Im feeling run down and exhausted. I get up between 8 and 9 after going to bed between 3 and 4 in the morning. I make my sons bottle then get my daughters breakfast. After they eat i give them a bath then get them dressed and they play for awhile. Then my fiance gets out of bed, eats breakfast then sits on the couch to go on the computer or play the wii. Doesnt matter if he works that day or not, thats "his time to relax". Then he expects me to sit on the couch with him all day while the kids still need to be fed lunch, im trying to potty train my daughter, my son needs his diaper changed, then they both need a nap. But if i dont sit down with my fiance, he gets mad at me for not spending time with him even though he wont help me do any of the stuff that needs to be done. So then a fight between us starts, after which im blamed for ruining his day so he goes to work mad if he works that day or sits on the couch and ignores me and the kids all day. Then my daily cleaning begins. I have to clean the kids' messes, clean up my fiances messes (clothes on the floor, dishes on the tables, spitters and empty chew tins everywhere), do dishes, go up and down two flights of stairs to do laundry ( and god forbid I dont wash my fiances favorite shorts. all hell breaks if i do the wrong ones), hand wash atleast 3 loads of dishes, take out the garbage, clean the cat box and feed the cats.
In bewtween all this Im also supposed to go to the grocery store with two kids, getting in and out of a van with only one working door, and if i work that day ( at a job which my fiance hates because its bar, but im not a bartender, since i dont get very many hours, but what does he expect from a place thats only open 3 days a week?) I have to drive 1 mile out of town to bring the kids to daycare then drive all the way back through town to 1 mile out the opposite side of town to get to work ( of course then he complains that I use too much gas because of this. It's my van, why does it matter?)
Then it's dinner time, if im not working, and of course im expected to cook that on top trying to hold my teething son and entertain my daughter. And i have to make something he wants to eat otherwise he gets mad at me for feeding him "the same damn thing all the time". Nevermind if the kids dont want to eat pierogies and im trying to lose weight (if i dont eat something he gets on my case and says I'm trying to be anorexic). At bed time, I have to change both kids, tuck them both in, rock my son to sleep if hes crabby, then proceed to clean the days messes of toys and food on the floor. But when i try to do this Im again not spending time with him and another fight starts. Im ready to go to sleep about 11 but i cant go to bed because then Im trying to "spend all my free time sleeping" because thats the only thing I ever want to do. So i stay up until 2 then go lay down finally and almost fall asleep immediatley but then he starts poking me to wake up because he wants to "play". I finally get to sleep about 4 but have to get up between 5 and 5:30 to give my son a bottle and change his diaper. Then it starts over again.
Now Im not the type to complain constantly. I've had alot dealt to me in my life and Ive handled it pretty well. Some of it has made me a stronger person. But I dont feel like Im getting a fair hand. Ive lived like this for too long. I want some me time. I want to see my friends. I want to see my family. I want to be happy and smiling and enjoy watching my children grow up. I want a change...
My wife went through a similar situation with our life that went from zero to hell with the additions of 5 kids BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!
And yet, with all the responsibility came the joys as well.
Anyway, we were the sort of couple that "played" when the mood struck hence 5 kids...lol But with these crying babies all around - FORGET IT!
We pawned off the kids on friends and family to set time aside for just us. We also hired a cleaning service to come in once every week. And no, we're not rich...lol Not poor either - just in-between. I made a deal with some friends that we'd take their brats, so they'd have time with each other if they'd take ours.
They key is taking charge of the situation any way you can.
It may seem overwhelming now, but take steps to free yourself and start living life again.
Good luck!
It seems like you are missing the point. The guy is the problem here, not the kids. Although adding more kids to this situation would be disasterous. Don't get me wrong, I know couples need their time together but he must learn to share the load of reponsibility first or she will never want to give herself to him fully. She will resent him. Sounds like she already does.
Tanking care of the situation means he changes and gets off his butt and grows up or she kicks him to the curb.
What I think SHE resents .. is HIS resentment. He is the one who definately has some issues with family life.0 -
I read through what you wrote three times. The only person you have control over in this situation is yourself. There are lots of behavoral changes that you could make.
Don't spend the whole day on the couch - even if he complains. If he wants togetherness, he can help you do the dishes!
Insist on getting sufficient sleep. Not always do-able with children, but it should be a priority. It is not selfish of you to require sleep - it is selfish of him to deny you the sleep your body needs to function. In the long run you'll wind up with chronic health issues if this doesn't change. GO TO BED. If he doesn't like it, too bad. Besides, "playing" is no fun when you're exhausted.
Quit pandering to his demands and expectations - when you do something for him (like cook) either do it with love and joy in rendering the service, or decline to do it. Buy some things he can microwave for himself on those occasions where he needs to man up and fix his own food.
If you're relentlessly cleaning up because a clean house makes YOU happy, by all means do so, but if you're doing it because he doesn't like a mess, he needs to help. Tell him (nicely) what you need him to do around the house and then don't do it for him.
There has to be some reason that you are engaged to this man. Identify what those redeeming qualities are and voice them out loud to him so you both remember!
Schedule some time with your family and friends. Take the kids. If he doesn't want to go, well, he's a big boy. He'll survive without you for a few hours or days. When your needs are being met, you won't feel quite so overwhelmed.0 -
I think you need a new fiance. Sorry... but seriously, he sounds lazy and inconsiderate and selfish. You deserve someone who is going to help you with the family and household stuff and encourage you with your own goals.0
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How did he did he act when you two had no kids?
How did he act when you had one kid?
IMHO, you could handle it with no kids and one kid. But adding the 2nd broke the bank.0 -
He sounds like a piece of work.0
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He sounds like a piece of work.0
This discussion has been closed.
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