Feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated...
Replies
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Oh, the beds we make...lolThings have been rough lately. Im feeling run down and exhausted. I get up between 8 and 9 after going to bed between 3 and 4 in the morning. I make my sons bottle then get my daughters breakfast. After they eat i give them a bath then get them dressed and they play for awhile. Then my fiance gets out of bed, eats breakfast then sits on the couch to go on the computer or play the wii. Doesnt matter if he works that day or not, thats "his time to relax". Then he expects me to sit on the couch with him all day while the kids still need to be fed lunch, im trying to potty train my daughter, my son needs his diaper changed, then they both need a nap. But if i dont sit down with my fiance, he gets mad at me for not spending time with him even though he wont help me do any of the stuff that needs to be done. So then a fight between us starts, after which im blamed for ruining his day so he goes to work mad if he works that day or sits on the couch and ignores me and the kids all day. Then my daily cleaning begins. I have to clean the kids' messes, clean up my fiances messes (clothes on the floor, dishes on the tables, spitters and empty chew tins everywhere), do dishes, go up and down two flights of stairs to do laundry ( and god forbid I dont wash my fiances favorite shorts. all hell breaks if i do the wrong ones), hand wash atleast 3 loads of dishes, take out the garbage, clean the cat box and feed the cats.
In bewtween all this Im also supposed to go to the grocery store with two kids, getting in and out of a van with only one working door, and if i work that day ( at a job which my fiance hates because its bar, but im not a bartender, since i dont get very many hours, but what does he expect from a place thats only open 3 days a week?) I have to drive 1 mile out of town to bring the kids to daycare then drive all the way back through town to 1 mile out the opposite side of town to get to work ( of course then he complains that I use too much gas because of this. It's my van, why does it matter?)
Then it's dinner time, if im not working, and of course im expected to cook that on top trying to hold my teething son and entertain my daughter. And i have to make something he wants to eat otherwise he gets mad at me for feeding him "the same damn thing all the time". Nevermind if the kids dont want to eat pierogies and im trying to lose weight (if i dont eat something he gets on my case and says I'm trying to be anorexic). At bed time, I have to change both kids, tuck them both in, rock my son to sleep if hes crabby, then proceed to clean the days messes of toys and food on the floor. But when i try to do this Im again not spending time with him and another fight starts. Im ready to go to sleep about 11 but i cant go to bed because then Im trying to "spend all my free time sleeping" because thats the only thing I ever want to do. So i stay up until 2 then go lay down finally and almost fall asleep immediatley but then he starts poking me to wake up because he wants to "play". I finally get to sleep about 4 but have to get up between 5 and 5:30 to give my son a bottle and change his diaper. Then it starts over again.
Now Im not the type to complain constantly. I've had alot dealt to me in my life and Ive handled it pretty well. Some of it has made me a stronger person. But I dont feel like Im getting a fair hand. Ive lived like this for too long. I want some me time. I want to see my friends. I want to see my family. I want to be happy and smiling and enjoy watching my children grow up. I want a change...
My wife went through a similar situation with our life that went from zero to hell with the additions of 5 kids BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!
And yet, with all the responsibility came the joys as well.
Anyway, we were the sort of couple that "played" when the mood struck hence 5 kids...lol But with these crying babies all around - FORGET IT!
We pawned off the kids on friends and family to set time aside for just us. We also hired a cleaning service to come in once every week. And no, we're not rich...lol Not poor either - just in-between. I made a deal with some friends that we'd take their brats, so they'd have time with each other if they'd take ours.
They key is taking charge of the situation any way you can.
It may seem overwhelming now, but take steps to free yourself and start living life again.
Good luck!
It seems like you are missing the point. The guy is the problem here, not the kids. Although adding more kids to this situation would be disasterous. Don't get me wrong, I know couples need their time together but he must learn to share the load of reponsibility first or she will never want to give herself to him fully. She will resent him. Sounds like she already does.
Tanking care of the situation means he changes and gets off his butt and grows up or she kicks him to the curb.0 -
Sounds to me like you have two kids and ONE BIG BABY.
Why would you want to keep doing this every day? You need rest.
If this guy was out of the picture you would have more quality time with your babies.
A loving partner is not demanding, wants to make your life better, helps out
You are not in a grown up relationship. Rethink how you want your kids to learn how grownups behave.
You are an example.....but are you one you want your kids to model?0 -
I'm going to sound horrible saying this, but are you sure you really want to marry him? He has it made, with you at his beck and call. Those feelings you are feeling now aren't going to go away once you are married.
I feel for you! I can't imagine how stressed out you must be.
^^^^^^ this
I think you prob know what it is you need to do......I pray you have the strength to do it for your sake as well as your kids.
New year...new start! Make sure it's the right one for you
Hoping all goes well for you!! 0 -
Wow, he would be a gonerrrr!!!!!!0
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Oh, the beds we make...lolThings have been rough lately. Im feeling run down and exhausted. I get up between 8 and 9 after going to bed between 3 and 4 in the morning. I make my sons bottle then get my daughters breakfast. After they eat i give them a bath then get them dressed and they play for awhile. Then my fiance gets out of bed, eats breakfast then sits on the couch to go on the computer or play the wii. Doesnt matter if he works that day or not, thats "his time to relax". Then he expects me to sit on the couch with him all day while the kids still need to be fed lunch, im trying to potty train my daughter, my son needs his diaper changed, then they both need a nap. But if i dont sit down with my fiance, he gets mad at me for not spending time with him even though he wont help me do any of the stuff that needs to be done. So then a fight between us starts, after which im blamed for ruining his day so he goes to work mad if he works that day or sits on the couch and ignores me and the kids all day. Then my daily cleaning begins. I have to clean the kids' messes, clean up my fiances messes (clothes on the floor, dishes on the tables, spitters and empty chew tins everywhere), do dishes, go up and down two flights of stairs to do laundry ( and god forbid I dont wash my fiances favorite shorts. all hell breaks if i do the wrong ones), hand wash atleast 3 loads of dishes, take out the garbage, clean the cat box and feed the cats.
In bewtween all this Im also supposed to go to the grocery store with two kids, getting in and out of a van with only one working door, and if i work that day ( at a job which my fiance hates because its bar, but im not a bartender, since i dont get very many hours, but what does he expect from a place thats only open 3 days a week?) I have to drive 1 mile out of town to bring the kids to daycare then drive all the way back through town to 1 mile out the opposite side of town to get to work ( of course then he complains that I use too much gas because of this. It's my van, why does it matter?)
Then it's dinner time, if im not working, and of course im expected to cook that on top trying to hold my teething son and entertain my daughter. And i have to make something he wants to eat otherwise he gets mad at me for feeding him "the same damn thing all the time". Nevermind if the kids dont want to eat pierogies and im trying to lose weight (if i dont eat something he gets on my case and says I'm trying to be anorexic). At bed time, I have to change both kids, tuck them both in, rock my son to sleep if hes crabby, then proceed to clean the days messes of toys and food on the floor. But when i try to do this Im again not spending time with him and another fight starts. Im ready to go to sleep about 11 but i cant go to bed because then Im trying to "spend all my free time sleeping" because thats the only thing I ever want to do. So i stay up until 2 then go lay down finally and almost fall asleep immediatley but then he starts poking me to wake up because he wants to "play". I finally get to sleep about 4 but have to get up between 5 and 5:30 to give my son a bottle and change his diaper. Then it starts over again.
Now Im not the type to complain constantly. I've had alot dealt to me in my life and Ive handled it pretty well. Some of it has made me a stronger person. But I dont feel like Im getting a fair hand. Ive lived like this for too long. I want some me time. I want to see my friends. I want to see my family. I want to be happy and smiling and enjoy watching my children grow up. I want a change...
My wife went through a similar situation with our life that went from zero to hell with the additions of 5 kids BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!
And yet, with all the responsibility came the joys as well.
Anyway, we were the sort of couple that "played" when the mood struck hence 5 kids...lol But with these crying babies all around - FORGET IT!
We pawned off the kids on friends and family to set time aside for just us. We also hired a cleaning service to come in once every week. And no, we're not rich...lol Not poor either - just in-between. I made a deal with some friends that we'd take their brats, so they'd have time with each other if they'd take ours.
They key is taking charge of the situation any way you can.
It may seem overwhelming now, but take steps to free yourself and start living life again.
Good luck!
It seems like you are missing the point. The guy is the problem here, not the kids. Although adding more kids to this situation would be disasterous. Don't get me wrong, I know couples need their time together but he must learn to share the load of reponsibility first or she will never want to give herself to him fully. She will resent him. Sounds like she already does.
Tanking care of the situation means he changes and gets off his butt and grows up or she kicks him to the curb.
What I think SHE resents .. is HIS resentment. He is the one who definately has some issues with family life.0 -
I read through what you wrote three times. The only person you have control over in this situation is yourself. There are lots of behavoral changes that you could make.
Don't spend the whole day on the couch - even if he complains. If he wants togetherness, he can help you do the dishes!
Insist on getting sufficient sleep. Not always do-able with children, but it should be a priority. It is not selfish of you to require sleep - it is selfish of him to deny you the sleep your body needs to function. In the long run you'll wind up with chronic health issues if this doesn't change. GO TO BED. If he doesn't like it, too bad. Besides, "playing" is no fun when you're exhausted.
Quit pandering to his demands and expectations - when you do something for him (like cook) either do it with love and joy in rendering the service, or decline to do it. Buy some things he can microwave for himself on those occasions where he needs to man up and fix his own food.
If you're relentlessly cleaning up because a clean house makes YOU happy, by all means do so, but if you're doing it because he doesn't like a mess, he needs to help. Tell him (nicely) what you need him to do around the house and then don't do it for him.
There has to be some reason that you are engaged to this man. Identify what those redeeming qualities are and voice them out loud to him so you both remember!
Schedule some time with your family and friends. Take the kids. If he doesn't want to go, well, he's a big boy. He'll survive without you for a few hours or days. When your needs are being met, you won't feel quite so overwhelmed.0 -
I think you need a new fiance. Sorry... but seriously, he sounds lazy and inconsiderate and selfish. You deserve someone who is going to help you with the family and household stuff and encourage you with your own goals.0
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How did he did he act when you two had no kids?
How did he act when you had one kid?
IMHO, you could handle it with no kids and one kid. But adding the 2nd broke the bank.0 -
He sounds like a piece of work.0
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He sounds like a piece of work.0
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About 2 years into my relationship with my now husband, I had a meltdown. I was tired of taking care of him. I kept all my frustrations in so long, just kept doing his laundry, cleaning out his car, taking care of his animals, etc that I exploded on him one day. He had no idea I was feeling so unappreaciated and taken advantage of. We talked for hours and I told him that I needed help. He told me he was going to step it up. Since then, things have been so much better. We've been together now for 5 years and just got married 3 months ago.
Does your guy know how you feel? He may be completely oblivious or (strangely enough) think you LIKE being the "super woman".
Just a thought...0 -
I agree.The only person you have control over in this situation is yourself. There are lots of behavoral changes that you could make.
If I had someone doing all my cooking and cleaning and washing and ironing and giving me sex on demand whenever I wanted it, frankly I wouldn't be rushing to change anything any time soon. :bigsmile:
(actually I would, but that's because I pride myself on being a decent human being)0 -
Not for nothing, but there are ways around only working 3 days and being able to provide for your kids. I am a single mother of 3 beautiful girls, i have my hand in crappy relationships, I work full time 40 hours a week, I get as much help as i can with day care. where i live they have vouchers that help with the bill, also food stamps will help you out. If you are really that miserable about your situation, and you are because you posted it on line, but really leave it will not get better. It will get worse( i have actually been there) Do some checking around to see what your state/town can give you for help, I could not do it when i was going through it I left/ well kicked him out and i am soooooo much happier.0
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Not for nothing, but there are ways around only working 3 days and being able to provide for your kids. I am a single mother of 3 beautiful girls, i have my hand in crappy relationships, I work full time 40 hours a week, I get as much help as i can with day care. where i live they have vouchers that help with the bill, also food stamps will help you out. If you are really that miserable about your situation, and you are because you posted it on line, but really leave it will not get better. It will get worse( i have actually been there) Do some checking around to see what your state/town can give you for help, I could not do it when i was going through it I left/ well kicked him out and i am soooooo much happier.
I can't argue that. I guess I should say, "you'd better have all your ducks in a row before making such a dramatic move"0 -
Plus of course, the OP was clearly written at a low ebb, and we only ever have one side of the story with these threads.Not for nothing, but there are ways around only working 3 days and being able to provide for your kids. I am a single mother of 3 beautiful girls, i have my hand in crappy relationships, I work full time 40 hours a week, I get as much help as i can with day care. where i live they have vouchers that help with the bill, also food stamps will help you out. If you are really that miserable about your situation, and you are because you posted it on line, but really leave it will not get better. It will get worse( i have actually been there) Do some checking around to see what your state/town can give you for help, I could not do it when i was going through it I left/ well kicked him out and i am soooooo much happier.
I can't argue that. I guess I should say, "you'd better have all your ducks in a row before making such a dramatic move"
The situation may yet be retrievable if he's made to realise that however it goes, life isn't going to be one big party for him from now on. Maybe, just maybe, he loves his fiancee and kids enough to stop being a ****.
EDITED TO ADD.. Aww, how cute, the site doesn't want me to call him a d i c k. We can talk about immensely damaging stuff like emotionally abusive relationships, but heaven forbid we might actually use a very slightly naughty word... FFS... *rolls eyes*0 -
You need to talk to him when the kids aren't around so there are no distractions. You need to tell him exactly how you feel and how he can help you. Do not settle. Like everyone else said, Marriage is a partnership. You're doing everything while he gets to sit on his *kitten* and do nothing and hold the "I work" card, which isn't fair to you or the kids.
He needs to man up.0 -
Both kids are not his. Only the youngest. I had my daughters with another guy that i was with for five years. (he started being lazy and drinking too much the last year, thats why it ended with him.)0
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For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.
Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.
The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.
1st would be to try to examine BOTH side's mistakes that got them into this. 2nd would be to see if they can come to some agreement to fix the problem. 3rd would be to see if it works out. 4th would be to consider other options if it doesn't. 5th would be to have a frank (aka realistic) discussion about how breaking up would work.
I see a lack of participation. I see laziness. Where is the battering / abusing coming from?
Both sides have been examined and we have both admitted problems. I've done alot to work on mine. He will start working on his then stop after 3. And we have had plenty of discussions numerous times. It always comes back to the same circle: we argue, we compromise, we come to a conclusion, it works for a week, then he goes back to the same ****. As for a "realistic" discussion on how breaking up would work, I've been there too. The way I see it, Ive been a single mom for the last 5 1/2 years with the two relationships I've been in and I can handle it if thats what it comes to.
I have been working my *kitten* off trying to make this relationship last because there is good in him, I've seen it. So Don't tell me there is a lack of participation or Im being lazy. Im not being lazy, Im losing my patience.0 -
Then either you're venting, or you're using this to pluck up courage to tell him to get out of your life.I have been working my *kitten* off trying to make this relationship last because there is good in him, I've seen it. So Don't tell me there is a lack of participation or Im being lazy. Im not being lazy, Im losing my patience.
Either way, you're in a tough position, good luck getting your life sorted.0 -
I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening0
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